Why would your husband look at another woman, whether online or in real life? From billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat rooms, opportunities are rampant. And it’s as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The format matters little. The results are the same: devastation. Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online. She may have known he used to do this but believed he lived in victory. Or she may have been clueless about his habit and feels duped by him. Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation of their sacred covenant of marriage. It is among the worst betrayals!
The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped unless he chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse to keep looking at other women. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved.
It feels like a no-win.
Update From the Editor
Why Your Husband Is Looking at Other Women Online
What could bring your husband to look at another woman when he claims to love you? Is he just lying? Or is there something more complicated to his sin?
He may not believe it’s wrong.
The Bible clearly teaches that looking at a person with lust involves the same root sin as acting out sexually (Matthew 5:28). However, many Christians today are confused about sexual sin, lust, and pornography. According to a recent Barna survey, only one in three Christians reported feeling guilty when they watched pornography, and 39% said they were comfortable with how much pornography they watched.
If your husband is (or if you are!) on the fence about whether or not porn is bad, check out our article, Is Porn Bad?: 10 Things to Consider Before Watching.
He may not understand how hurtful it is.
Even if he believes it’s wrong to look at other women online, your husband may not understand how this hurts you and damages your relationship. For many, watching pornography is a private, personal habit, and they don’t understand how it affects other people in their lives. Men in particular often compartmentalize this part of their life, and often do not understand how looking at other women might affect the woman they truly care about.
For more, see Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
He might be struggling with a pornography addiction.
Many men know that porn is wrong; they hate that it hurts their loved ones, and they want desperately to quit—but they’re addicted. If your husband is addicted to porn, he’s still responsible for his actions, and it’s still sin. But an addict may be trapped by his sin even though he hates it.
What does it mean to be addicted to porn? As with drug and alcohol addiction, many people become conditioned over time to crave pornography and rely on it as a form of self-medication. If someone is addicted, this likely goes back many years to a formative experience with pornography.
10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
His sin isn’t about you.
If your husband is looking at other women online, then it hurts you like nobody else. It may feel like a personal attack. It’s important to remember that despite this, his sin is not about you. Many men blame their wives for their wandering eyes, but this is false! His choice to look at other women is not your fault, and he will need to accept responsibility for how his actions are hurting you.
7 Steps to Take When Your Husband Looks at Other Women
So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is looking at other females online?
1. Listen objectively.
Before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment, listen as objectively as you can. Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. Is his story consistent with what you know? Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Start the conversation between the two of you.
The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew 18:15). Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help.
But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. Appeal to him to get help.
If he refuses, Matthew 18:16-17 says to involve help. Be discerning about whom you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. That includes other family members. Gossip is destructive, even if it is true.
3. Evaluate his attitude toward his sin.
Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Anger indicates a lack of repentance. Worldly sorrow feels bad that he got caught. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
But what if he doesn’t want help? Neither did the Prodigal Son initially. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself!
It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). Your husband’s desire for pornography is not about you—though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. It is not! He chose to sin.
4. Encourage him to find another trusted man to talk with.
He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James 1:19-20). The goal is restoration.
5. Determine what kind of help you both need.
The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Perhaps for some men, yes. Godly sorrow produces change! Others will need more intense individual counseling with godly men who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help them develop a lifestyle of self-control in moral purity.
Wives often do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification. (Learn more about the pros and cons of spouses as accountability partners.)
In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial! Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage. As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
6. Model grace and mercy.
God the Father so graciously bestows grace and mercy on each of us when we sin and repent, and we should model this too. Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us. Rebuilding trust is the process that takes more time, observing his accountability, faithfulness, and consistency. But trust first begins vertically: trusting God even when you fear a future fraught with anxiety, with or without him. Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees.
Related: 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
7. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
After he is growing in his vertical relationship with the Lord, it is time to evaluate the horizontal in every sphere. When a crisis in a marriage becomes a stepping stone to greater growth and intimacy, it strengthens the relationship and builds a platform for ministry to other couples in crisis.
I have been married for a year and a half… we have not had sex even once. My husband keeps watching hot girls videos on utube everyday morning when am asleep. I feel very awkward wen I get to know about tat when I see his search history. Looks like he is not at all interested in me… but acts like he like me a lot… aftr warning him many times he promised he wouldnt masturbate again… but he still keeps doing it… but never tries to have sex with me… he is not at all interested in me… but I love him a lot except for this matter… this problem is gonna destroy my entire marriage life one day and I am sure about it… I don’t know whom to share this with… I started hating myself… kept crying all nite but he doesn’t evn know am upset… he is happily sleeping… I feel like ending my life at times when I think that the one i love is not interested in me but loves to watch other girls body on his phone… am sure he has no idea how much pain am going through each time he does that…
I am so, so sorry. What a terribly painful situation. It’s obvious that your husband has deep, deep issues which he is not prepared at this point to confront. Here’s an article that Luke wrote a while back that you might find helpful.
You might want to find a counselor, just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and choose healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please call a counselor TODAY.
And please realize that this situation is NOT your fault. He needs to take responsibility for himself. But whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy. You can choose good boundaries. You can choose to take care of yourself. I hope you will do that today, and find a counselor.
I would also urge you to be open with safe friends and family about what’s going on in your life, if you haven’t done so already.
Peace and healing to you, Kay
my husband texts another woman, then I see all the half dressed women on his computer. He won’t make love with me, even told me he’s not in the mood! I wonder what the hell I did to deserve this….so not only do I have to compete with this xxxx he texted, I have to compete with the pics on his computer of women young enough to be his daughter….I’m so disgusted!
Well I don’t know what to do I keep on look at my husbands Facebook and he keeps on looking at other girls. Searching… sometimes there models and other times there just regular girls I am just tired of it I don’t know what to do. Every single time he does it I ask him why and he always tell me ether that it was not him or that he missed clicked!!!! So I don’t know it’s not the first or second time or fifth time. When we were almost 2 years merried I cought him talking texting to another girl and well that seriously Brock everything thing between us my heart was Broken we talked and I told him that if he wanted to be with her to leave. But he broke down crying and he said he would never do it yayayayya. Then like a month later I cought him again same girl but on Facebook… I got so mad he told me that they were just friends but once again I forgave him and now we are almost 4 years married 2 daughters and he just not being respectful to me I give him everything like a good wife. And he still look for other girls on this Facebook why ? Thats why I question myself why???? It’s hard for me to trust him again
Yeah, when your husband has a pattern of untrustworthy behavior, of course you don’t trust him. Trust is earned. And it’s earned by trustworthy behavior over time. If he’s not trustworthy, it’s foolish to trust him. And if he’s continuing to be untrustworthy, then you are faced with the very difficult question of what your boundaries will be. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. I’d encourage you to find support through a counselor for yourself, a group just for you, maybe an online resource like Bloom. You’ve got hard things to face, so find some companionship on that road. Peace to you, Kay
Hi…
I love my husband a lot I believe that he was my world..I care for him every second…but when he saw other girls I never digest that situations….wherever we go he used to start looking for other girls infront of me…I observe everything…is he will be changed in future…
Well, the only person who can take responsibility for his behavior is himself. The best way to predict his behavior in the future is his behavior now. Is he willing to take responsibility for himself? Is he willing to enter into a recovery process? Is he willing to do the work? If the answer is yes–then likely, over time, he will be able to change. But if he won’t take responsibility now, then the future doesn’t look good either. You might want to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this relationship. Here and here are a couple of articles to help get you started thinking about that.
Even I am kinda going through d same thing…
But he watches girls online and that has become a habit for him he is not able to stop even after me telling him so many times….
What should I do? Some one please help.
Well, decide if this is the kind of relationship you’d like to be a part of. What healthy boundaries would you like to have? Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think that through. You’re under no obligation to remain in relationships that don’t respect and value you. Decide what’s healthy for you, and live accordingly. Peace to you, Kay
Ok, so my husband most of the time tells me when he looks at porn, and even has asked to because he has to take meds that make it hard for him have an erection. And because I feel bad I say go ahead. But, during foreplay, and I see videos playing in the background, I can’t stand it. What to do? It’s killing me inside but I don’t say anything because I don’t want him to feel bad for hurting me, cause I know he does. But like I said it is killing me and don’t know how to help me deal with it!!
Amanda, you get to choose the boundaries that are healthy for YOU during sex. If you’re not comfortable with porn during sex, there’s no porn during sex. End of story. You don’t have to figure out how to deal with things that hurt you. You simply say no. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries to help you think about what’s healthy for you, and what you want to have in the relationship.
Hi i’ve been married for 3 yrs.I dont how to react with what i’ve seen in my husband facebook account.He loved to add from his friendlist women & ladies with nude,showing sexy body.Lately he log in to my pc.I open his activity logs and i found out he was posting to ladies pictures saying “Ma’am your so beautiful”..Many ladies on his freindlist have that comment.He also change his cellphone password.Right now where not together since i will be giving birth for our second baby.How would i react about this beacuse right i feel very much angry on him,knowing shes flirting other ladies on social medias.
Kristin, I think your anger is appropriate! When your husband breaks his marriage vows and behaves this way, you SHOULD be angry.
The question is, what will you do with that anger? My hope is that you’ll use that anger as fuel toward good boundaries and self-care. Your husband may be making bad choices, but you can make good choices for yourself! Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries.
I hope you’ve got family and friends who can help you through this, especially as you’re having another baby!
The most important thing is your safety and the safety of your children. If your husband can’t keep those things in mind, at least you can make sure you’re doing what’s healthy and right. Take good care of you.
Peace to you, Kay
I did everything and I mean everything that was asked of me from my Pastor’s and my ex continued to be lustful. I did things that “Christian authorities advised me to do” Love him through it and be there for him and he used that against me. This went on for years! I was a mess! I’d pray and he’d tell me to stop praying. What truly helped me was learning that my identity wasn’t found in this situation but what God said about me in his word. I separated myself from him and moved out. Staying only encouraged him to continue in his behavior because there was no consequences for his actions. I put up with it. He came into my new place and raped me. So I moved in with my brother. And it got better I felt safe. To make a long story short, we got divorced and he later became a registered sex offender. I’m remarried to a man who loves me completely. Every situation is different. And when we seek God through prayer and his word he will show us what to do.
Martha, thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m so sorry for the pain you suffered in your marriage. It sounds to me like the church was complicit in the abuse you suffered–I think that is a pretty common and absolutely horrific set of circumstances that many women endure. I’m so very glad you were able to separate yourself from him, and to press on into healing even under such traumatic circumstances. You’ve suffered terribly, but as I read your story, it’s a story of amazing hope and redemption! God is never out of options. Peace to you, Kay
I am in a committed relationship with a man and found a playboy calendar with nude women in his room and it shocked me to the point where I was numb and could not even get upset at first. The first thing we ever talked about when we met was that Trust is the most important element in a relationship. Without Trust, nothing else matters… not physical attraction, having things in common, common faith, not even Love….Men who enjoy looking at naked women ( on the internet, in magazines, wherever… ) are in every sense of the word… CHEATING… on their wife, girlfriend, etc… Cheating is NOT just a physical act, and starts in the mind… emotionally. The thought and seed of cheating is planted in the mind before it is carried out through physical act. There are two parts to cheating.. emotional and physical. If your man gets turned on or is attracted to other women, that is ultimate disrespect to the woman he is with. Whether it is just visual enjoyment or masturbation, when a man looks at other women ( naked or clothed ) , that is a slap in the face to the woman in his life. I don’t know what to do, because he does not know I found the calendar in his room, so I am pretending not to know anything, but it is still there…..I think about it all the time and it is starting to affect how I act when we are together. I refused sex a couple times recently because of hurt feelings so I could not give myself to him. Trying to think of a good way to find out if he even cares about my feelings and why he has that calendar in his room. I don’t know if he also has nude pics of women on his computer .
Hi Wendy, Well, I’d say it’s time to have a difficult conversation with your partner. If you can talk to him when you are calm, and ask him to tell you what’s going on, that is ideal. And if you can share calmly with him how you view this, and how it impacts you, that would also be great. What you’re hoping for is that he will be impacted by your concerns, and that he will take responsibility for himself. You might appreciate this recent article from The Gottman Institute that talks about how porn harms relationships–it would be a good article to share with your partner. I hope that helps! Blessings, Kay
MY husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 4.5 out of the 11. we have 2 kids together I believe in the Lord but he does not. I was looking on his phone one night and saw picture of half naked girls which he denied looking at I felt horrible, I cried for hours, I couldn’t sleep and I almost told him to leave our house. He promised me that he never looked at them and he was sorry that I was hurting so bad. A couple months went by and he left for 4 days to work when he returned I found more pictures of women on his phone after he promised, swore on our kids life, and he knew how it affected me the first time. This time he admitted to looking at them but didn’t think he did anything wrong because their boobs were covered by their arms. I have been cheated on in past relationships so trust for me has been hard I have been afraid of getting hurt again. I was trying so hard to trust him and then this happened I couldn’t eat or sleep and I cried all the time this was about a month ago it happened. I am trying to work things out with him but he never seems to want to talk communication is not a strong point because he never explains how he feels or what is on his mind and it hurts me. I have nightmares now that he is cheating on me or back to the same pictures or live chat which he claims he doesn’t know how to do that. I confront him about how he hides his phone from me but he doesn’t think he does. I am at a lost of what to do to fix our marriage, I have mentioned counselling but he doesn’t want to do it, I have tried to write notes since he doesn’t want to talk it out but he doesn’t want to think of things. Please help I really don’t know what to do and If I will be able to trust him ever again.
Thank you.
Hi Amie. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now. I’m glad you found us here, and I hope we can be of help to you as you find your way forward.
First of all, let me say that your reaction to this discovery is totally normal. Many, many women who make a discovery like this will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. So it’s really, really important that you get help just for YOU. Find a personal counselor who can help you process your emotions, and who can give you support as you decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Find a group like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or online at xxxChurch so you can talk with others who are working through similar issues.
Read up on how other women have dealt with issues like this. Every situation is unique, but it helps to see how others have handled it. Here’s a link to Hope After Porn, which is a free download. And here’s an article that links to our most popular content for wives. I’ll link you here to a short animation on YouTube about porn recovery that I did especially for wives. Educate yourself and make healthy choices, based on your own situation and your own good boundaries.
The other thing to know is that your husband will need to deal with his behavior for himself. Couples’ counseling is really not an effective treatment option until he is clean and sober. He can go to counseling for himself, join a group, and get some personal accountability in place. Once he’s taking responsibility for himself, then couples’ counseling may be helpful. Until that happens, it won’t do much good. Here’s an article you could pass along to him about what recovery will look like for him.
You are right not to trust him, as long as his behavior is not trustworthy. Here’s an article from my own personal blog about forgiveness and trust. When he commits to change and starts taking responsibility for himself, you can re-evaluate when it’s wise to trust. While he is not being trustworthy, you’ll have to think long and hard about what is healthy for you in this relationship. Ella recently wrote an article about that, here.
Whatever happens, whatever he chooses, know that you can find hope and healing. Get support, get educated, get healthy boundaries in place. Let us know how we can help.
Blessings, Kay
I have no idea what my husband does. We haven’t been in the same room together in over 40 years.We have nothing to do with each other. He does his thing and I do mine, we share only our house. He eats and sleeps in the basement and I have the upstairs. I don’t know if checks out other women or not. Its way to late in our lives to care any more.
Wow, Amy, that makes me feel so sad. I hope you’re able to find healthy, caring support in other relationships, even if your marriage isn’t what you hoped it would be. I would imagine that you’d need to process a lot of painful emotions in a safe place. If you need to find a counselor, you can check here. And I find that groups can be a great place for understanding companionship as well: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon, Al Anon. Even if your marriage is broken, there’s healing and hope for YOU, in the company of safe, caring people. Blessings, Kay