Why would your husband look at another woman, whether online or in real life? From billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat rooms, opportunities are rampant. And it’s as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The format matters little. The results are the same: devastation. Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online. She may have known he used to do this but believed he lived in victory. Or she may have been clueless about his habit and feels duped by him. Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation of their sacred covenant of marriage. It is among the worst betrayals!
The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped unless he chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse to keep looking at other women. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved.
It feels like a no-win.
Update From the Editor
Why Your Husband Is Looking at Other Women Online
What could bring your husband to look at another woman when he claims to love you? Is he just lying? Or is there something more complicated to his sin?
He may not believe it’s wrong.
The Bible clearly teaches that looking at a person with lust involves the same root sin as acting out sexually (Matthew 5:28). However, many Christians today are confused about sexual sin, lust, and pornography. According to a recent Barna survey, only one in three Christians reported feeling guilty when they watched pornography, and 39% said they were comfortable with how much pornography they watched.
If your husband is (or if you are!) on the fence about whether or not porn is bad, check out our article, Is Porn Bad?: 10 Things to Consider Before Watching.
He may not understand how hurtful it is.
Even if he believes it’s wrong to look at other women online, your husband may not understand how this hurts you and damages your relationship. For many, watching pornography is a private, personal habit, and they don’t understand how it affects other people in their lives. Men in particular often compartmentalize this part of their life, and often do not understand how looking at other women might affect the woman they truly care about.
For more, see Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
He might be struggling with a pornography addiction.
Many men know that porn is wrong; they hate that it hurts their loved ones, and they want desperately to quit—but they’re addicted. If your husband is addicted to porn, he’s still responsible for his actions, and it’s still sin. But an addict may be trapped by his sin even though he hates it.
What does it mean to be addicted to porn? As with drug and alcohol addiction, many people become conditioned over time to crave pornography and rely on it as a form of self-medication. If someone is addicted, this likely goes back many years to a formative experience with pornography.
10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
His sin isn’t about you.
If your husband is looking at other women online, then it hurts you like nobody else. It may feel like a personal attack. It’s important to remember that despite this, his sin is not about you. Many men blame their wives for their wandering eyes, but this is false! His choice to look at other women is not your fault, and he will need to accept responsibility for how his actions are hurting you.
7 Steps to Take When Your Husband Looks at Other Women
So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is looking at other females online?
1. Listen objectively.
Before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment, listen as objectively as you can. Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. Is his story consistent with what you know? Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Start the conversation between the two of you.
The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew 18:15). Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help.
But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. Appeal to him to get help.
If he refuses, Matthew 18:16-17 says to involve help. Be discerning about whom you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. That includes other family members. Gossip is destructive, even if it is true.
3. Evaluate his attitude toward his sin.
Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Anger indicates a lack of repentance. Worldly sorrow feels bad that he got caught. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
But what if he doesn’t want help? Neither did the Prodigal Son initially. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself!
It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). Your husband’s desire for pornography is not about you—though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. It is not! He chose to sin.
4. Encourage him to find another trusted man to talk with.
He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James 1:19-20). The goal is restoration.
5. Determine what kind of help you both need.
The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Perhaps for some men, yes. Godly sorrow produces change! Others will need more intense individual counseling with godly men who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help them develop a lifestyle of self-control in moral purity.
Wives often do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification. (Learn more about the pros and cons of spouses as accountability partners.)
In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial! Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage. As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
6. Model grace and mercy.
God the Father so graciously bestows grace and mercy on each of us when we sin and repent, and we should model this too. Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us. Rebuilding trust is the process that takes more time, observing his accountability, faithfulness, and consistency. But trust first begins vertically: trusting God even when you fear a future fraught with anxiety, with or without him. Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees.
Related: 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
7. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
After he is growing in his vertical relationship with the Lord, it is time to evaluate the horizontal in every sphere. When a crisis in a marriage becomes a stepping stone to greater growth and intimacy, it strengthens the relationship and builds a platform for ministry to other couples in crisis.
I would love some advise ….
I’m recently married. I’m struggling with my husband’s love of “Chive.” I woke up in the middle of the night lying next to me scrolling through the Chive feeds. Most feeds have at least 1 picture of half naked women in them. This is the second time I woke up next to him seeing him scrolling through pictures. The last time was within this last year, & he was pausing to enlarge & get a closer look of he big breasted ladies. Later I found that he saved pics of women to his phone. Since i spoke to him about it the first time, he says that he no longer saves pics to his phone. Each time this happened, I felt a sinking sick feeling in my gut, a racing heart ….& absolutely crushed. He has told me over & over that he doesn’t look at Chive for the girls, that it’s for the funny pics & videos.
He shared with me a different time that in his previous marriage he was addicted to porn. He sought counseling, and hasn’t watched porn since.
He is extremely private with his phone and laptop. I don’t have passcode a to either. As I really don’t want to ‘check up on him,’ I really feel uncomfortable with him being so private. I’ve readily shared my passwords when I’ve needed him to check something for me, without a second thought. He finds it strange that I’m so open.
I’ve shared with him the way it makes me feel when he looks at Chive or if he looked at any other ‘adults’ only site. He feels I’m trying to control him & states, “you said when we met that you weren’t that kind of woman. That you didn’t care what I looked at.” I told him that I didn’t know that it would bother me or make me feel physically ill and so sad.
I’m feeling so stuck, because he becomes so defensive. I feel a lack of trust in this department. I don’t know if it’s unfair, as I’ve never seen him using porn sites, ect. Although, this makes me feel just the same.
I want a healthy relationship. :(
You want a healthy relationship. Good for you!!!!!
Your husband just may not know what that looks like. That doesn’t mean he can’t learn, but it will be up to him to take responsibility for himself and make that effort.
It actually sounds to me that he may be kind of a ‘dry drunk.’ Maybe he’s not looking at what he defines as porn, but it sounds to me like he’s got some work to do on underlying issues, because he’s still got the defense mechanisms and some of the behaviors in place. (I just wrote an article about defense mechanisms on my own blog, which you might find helpful.)
I think it’s really courageous of you to have these conversations with him. Keep thinking about your boundaries, what you really want in your life, and keep expressing those things to him. Ask him what he really wants out of the relationship, too.
If you haven’t read Dr. John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I’d highly recommend that. It comes at the problem of marital intimacy from a bit of a different perspective that I think men find less intimidating than “tell me what’s on your heart.”
I think a lot of guys really don’t know what they can have. They don’t understand what emotional intimacy really is, or how soul-nourishing it can be. They’re taught to avoid emotions many times, and porn just reinforces that way of thinking and living. It takes a lot of work to get healthy. It’s so much more than not looking at porn, but I think a lot of times guys don’t feel very competent in emotional areas, because of the way we socialize men in our culture. Sex is pretty much what they’re allowed to do…
Hang in there, and let me know if those things help. Kay
I need your advises. We’ve been married for 14 years and we have two sons.The first time I found out that he was watching this porn movies I confronted him but as always he tells me that ” it’s a man thing”. I leave it that way for so many years though the pain I felt of knowing every time he is watching it is a great betrayal. Instead I gave him love and understanding. Until one day I found out a more painful than those porn movies. Things got worse, He took videos using his mobile phone with those girls unaware in public areas such as malls and public transport. I have the evidence but I chose to keep it to myself. I confronted him and he acknowledge of doing it but no reason of why he did it. I am really now in pain and struggling with depression. I can’t bring myself to trust him again. please help me.
Hi Natasha. I’m really sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. It is concerning that he’s moved on to filming people in public places. That to me would indicate an escalation in his habit, and a need for more risky behavior on his part. If you suspect that he is involved in criminal activities at any point, you can consult with local law enforcement about ways to proceed.
It sounds like confronting him has not be successful so far, and that’s very sad. I think under the current circumstances that you describe, it would be very unwise to trust him.
I want to suggest that you get some help for yourself, as you process through your emotions and decide what do to. A personal counselor could be really helpful. There are groups like Celebrate Recovery that can help, too. Sometimes I’ve even had wives who’ve gone to AlAnon, because that’s what they could find in their area–and it’s been quite helpful. Reach out for help. Blessings, Kay
Thank you so much for writing this. It has really given me peace and a sense of where we are as a couple. I am so glad that you have included scripture for each section, many articles do not. God’s word is the only thing that I can trust to be 100% true. God bless you.
We are both first time married and not planning to got pregnant on our honeymoon. We never have had chemistry but we feel God brought us together.
Kay, if I were to be honest and say “hey that really hurts,” then I am likely going to be labeled the nagging jealous wife, which is unattractive and will only push him to look more often & as a, well, stress reliever from having to deal with the nagging jealous wife. And besides, we had the honest conversation of how it makes me feel a couple times in the past after seeing his collection of playboy, yet he still has that old collection but I don’t know if he looks, doesn’t seem to but is a hoarder… & now has the new stuff, what good will putting my heart out there to be vulnerable do? And for background, I had the same basic experience when I was 19 (im 41 now) finding my bf’s porn magazines and I was so upset and cried. He promised to throw them away. A few months later I found them again and the exact same one because he said here is that magazine you found before. And then looking at it globally so many men look at porn without a second thought, yet they still love their woman. So I’ve learned that men can’t or just don’t give that stuff up. Somehow I have to learn how to forgive my husband. He does love me and he has expressed his perspective on it has changed since our original conversations about it. He says he realizes how disrespectful it is to women and doesn’t want to be that way. He says if someone shows him a dirty pic and he tells them he has better at home or he might tell them they don’t need to be looking at that at work. He tries to encourage a professional, respectful atmosphere. He has tried to reassure me but unfortunately I’m a bottomless pit of doubt. I just wonder what I’m supposed to do, if anything at all. I don’t understand how if he does look at the calendar how he can then still want me. I feel if he looks then there is no way he can possibly want me or love me. Maybe he can love me like a friend but that’s got to be it. And if he wants me it can’t possibly be as much as his favorite sexy pin up girl. I don’t think I should say anything to him. If i start talking about it i will want to get inside his head and ask too many personal questions. I better let go since we already had the discussion in the past. I know, go to counseling. We do need that and I want to. At the moment, I deal with it by trying to keep it light. For instance I have said in the past if you look at another girls boobs then I have to show someone mine because you gave your attention to someone else therefore to even it out I need to get someone else’s attention. He laughed. And then yesterday I told him oh by the way you go ahead and look at your calendar girls because today at work a man told me my hair was beautiful so it’s all good now. And he laughed which I was glad because I don’t want to treat him bad about it. We have more important things to worry about. But we do still need counseling because we aren’t connected and we don’t have chemistry and we might have sex once a month. We have only been married a year and a half. That’s not right and it’s sad but that’s the way it is. I know you can’t solve all our problems but thank you for listening.
Wow, it makes me sad that you’re afraid to express your pain in your marriage. I hope that relationship can become a safe place for you at some point! Yes, counseling :) Blessings, Kay
I feel kinda bad to even complain because my situation is not that bad but I still need guidance to deal with it. I found a hooters swimsuit calendar on my husbands desk at work and when he saw I discovered it he said I see you found that… I said yeah it’s ok. He said no I know you don’t like it. I said no it doesn’t bother me u prob need a stress reliever since u have to deal with angry customers and uncooperative co workers all the time. He said I don’t look at that stuff, so & so put it on my desk and I told him he was going to get me in trouble. That was the end of that conversation. So next day he said I told so & so you got so mad & almost slapped me. Then I told him what u really said… So I said something like that’s what he told his wife that you put it onHis desk. Then my hubby reiterated and said I don’t care anything about looking at those women. Ok so two weeks later he wanted sex, he said I need a stress reliever, I said u got one on ur desk at work. I guess i prob shouldn’t have said that. But I did, and he no I put that in the back of the file cabinet. Basically he says for the chance when he might stick a pic on a box for when someone opens it for a shock and a laugh like the old stale biscuit in his desk someone left. But he did mention he may look at it once in a while. So I said I thought u said u didn’t. So now I’m starting to sound jealous (because I am and it does hurt). But then he said he didnt really want to look at stuff like that because ive shown him how it affects women in a negative way. So now I don’t know that to do. Because he is having the right heart about it but still his it and may look once in a while. Why does that still hurt so much? I wish I really didn’t care. It’s not a actual porn or at least not hardcore. He is not trying to talk to women. Should I let it go? Yes I should… but then why should I have sex with him anymore? I’m not the fantasy. What good does me having sex with him do? For me it’s too painful. Thank you.
Well, Cindy, it sounds to me like the issue isn’t really the calendar. To me, it sounds like the relationship is where the problems are. There’s a lot of emotional dishonesty in this story: it’s okay, it’s not okay, lying about your response to it. And then, after you’ve said it’s okay, you won’t have sex with him. It sounds like you really were upset.
It’s perfectly fine for you to feel how you feel about this. My concern is that the two of you aren’t able to be honest with each other about it. Why is that?
And sex is just a stress-reliever in your relationship? That’s another concern. Best-case scenario, sex is an expression of the intimacy between two people who love each other.
I think you guys need to figure out what’s really going on here, and I would suggest finding a counselor near you to help you work through this.
Blessings, Kay
I am blessed to have come across this. I recently found that my husband was not just watching porn which I had known about previously but looking at women’s ads online. When I confronted him he was entirely apologetic and starts he will never look at porn again, that he never meant to hurt me. I want to forgive him and trust that he means what he is saying but also feel that maybe he is confessing and apologizing since he was caught red handed. I’m lost and with no clue where to go from here.
Hey Desiree. Well, I’m glad he was apologetic and says he doesn’t want to look at porn and doesn’t want to hurt you. But, I think he probably has a fair amount of work to do if he really wants to make that happen: practical steps like monitoring/filtering devices, and personal steps like accountability. He might do well to join a group like Celebrate Recovery; actually, that might be helpful to both of you. As you think through where to go from here, you might find this list of articles helpful. And you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where a number of women talk about their experiences in similar circumstances. I also like Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book, Boundaries in Marriage. Have a look at those things and let me know if they help at all. If you find you need more support, you might want to look for a counselor in your area. I think the American Association of Christian Counselors is a great place to begin that search. Blessings, Kay
Hi, I feel for all of these women here and I pray that we all find the peace and the comfort we need to get through all this and for God to work in us as well as our husbands. My husband and I got saved 6yrs ago and we married a yr after we got saved God really changed us so much the words cannot explain. 2yrs ago I found my husband going on escort websites and he was also looking at innapropriate youtube videos of women in panties, or big boobs, etc. I felt shattered, I was mortified, and hurt I didn’t know how to confront him, I held it in for months while I conitnued checking his internet searches through google etc and everyday it made me crazy! it got to the point where I would consume all my time and energy at work checking up on him, his internet searches, his phone records etc. I was a basket case, my job productivity fell & I was more and more distant from him, everyday I got up to go to work my stomach was in knots thinking of what he was going to look at that day. I finally said enough was enough I had to confront him, I counseld with my pastor and told him everything and he helped me get through with scriptures prayers and how to approach him etc, well when I approached my husband all I said was “is there something you need to tell me have you been doing anything you shouldn’t be doing?” please be honest with me! & he right away spilled the beans and confessed nothing ever happened with any escort he was just “browsing” and apologized, blamed it on his back injury and my lack of trust etc. he asked for forgivness and said he would come to me if he ever felt a certain way or needed prayer. Well, from that day on I knew that if I didn’t “Let go and Let God” I would be consumed and proabably end up in a nut house bc it was just too much for me to handle, i finally surrendered it all to God fell on my knees and prayed & asked God to take this burden from me, I pray every day and also did the 31 days of prayer for my husband, it’s been almost a yr that I haven’t looked at his search history or his youtube acct. although sometimes in teh back of my mind I have that fear, I quickly pray and ask God to rid me of that anxiety and fear and his Love is always there to help me through. I don’t know if my husbands still looking at videos, or searching for escorts & at times I want to check to see if he has, or sometimes I get negative thoughts in my mind but that’s when I say the Bible says God will never leave me or forsake me so he’s Got this! I need to let go and let God! ever since this happend I got so much closer to God and he’s helped me change to be the helpmeet for my husband. Continue praying for me and I will do the same for you all. A good book to read also is “created to be his helpmeet” God bless you all.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m familiar with Created to Be His Helpmeet, and to be honest I found it disturbing. I think this review of the book summarizes well what I found strange about the book. I’d love to get your thoughts on the review.
I caught my husband of 18 years watching porn videos,naked pics of women, vaginas sent on whattsapp,romantic messages sent to one woman.he claims these are sent by male friends Itemized phone bills show he phones @least 3 same women every other day( a coworker& widows). I found an empty condom packet in his car & he claimed he was masturbating. ive always known him to be a christian. He phones these women even after midnight. When away he phones them and they chat for minutes. What can i do. I feel so angry,empty,no intimacy. He is in deep debts. So he often says thats why he is always aloof here @ home. when i talk to him& tell him im stressed he says i need to change the way i think coz he loves me & has never cheated on me. How can i trust him? He locks his phone. He doesnt chat with me on whattapp but chats with so many women on email& whattsapp. Pls help. There are three kids here. He doesnt want us to go for counselling. Recently in church he preached about davids sin & admonished us that we need to repent like david. I asked myself if this was what he does wonderd why he had chosen that text when im there
Hi Sibo. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. There are a lot of red flags waving frantically here. I know that deciding what to do in a situation like this is scary and confusing. I wonder if you’ve seen the free download here, Hope After Porn? It’s stories from four different women about how they handled those decisions and what the process looked like for them. Here’s the link to another article that talks about what kinds of boundaries are reasonable to have. Trust is a big question, I know. And here is what I would say: TRUST IS A GIFT WE GIVE TO TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE. It sounds like your husband is not trustworthy right now. I think the “repent like David” sermon may have been just what God wanted you to hear, because it gives a picture of what real repentance looks like: CHANGE! Repentance doesn’t just mean saying “I’m sorry, please trust me.” Repentance means turning away from all the bad choices and making new good choices. It really is possible to change. It takes a lot of hard work, but it’s possible. If your husband is interested in that, here’s an article that might help get him started. It sounds to me like you could use some local support while you’re going through this. If you’d like to look into counseling, the American Association of Christian Counselors has counselors throughout the country. You can search for help in your area here. I hope those resources help you think through all this. Please let us know if you have more questions.
Thank you so much for your reply. I sit here in tears because after 18 years of marriage, I feel like it’s all been one big lie. I pray that sharing this with him will help and I am grateful to you for your help~
We know that the truth sets us free–but it scares the heck out of us first. It’s so disorienting to find out that there are these huge things you don’t know! But no matter what, God’s got you. That’s the thing that never, ever changes. I absolutely believe there’s hope. Not in particular outcomes, but in the Love that never lets us go.