It’s time to address a taboo topic: female masturbation addiction. For quite a while now, masturbation has been a gray area of Christian sexuality. It is fairly “accepted” for men and rarely discussed among women. It gets to sneak around under the name “natural sexual release.” Natural is not a synonym for godly, but for the most part, we are pretty content to leave it alone. We already have enough battles to fight, no need to add another to the list.
But, ladies, this battle is worth our attention. Here are three reasons women addicted to masturbation should kick the habit, as well as a few tips to actually stop masturbating.
3 Reasons Christian Women Should Kick a Masturbation Addiction
Masturbation addiction is selfish sex.
Masturbation is very appropriately termed “self-sex” because it is self-focused. Biologically speaking, sex is the union of two people, not one. Our sex drive is a desire to have that intimate union with another person. Masturbation does not fill that desire. It is our way of saying, “It is my sex drive and I want it appeased when I want it appeased.” Sex is about surrender and giving, not power and taking.
Masturbation addiction does not honor God.
No addiction honors God. As Christians, we are not to be slaves to anything, even our bodies, which we are supposed to regard as the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). We are commanded to honor God with our bodies. Even those of you who do not feel you are “addicted,” think about those moments you masturbate. Ask yourself if God is watching you and thinking, “That’s my child; I am so proud right now.”
Masturbation addiction does not honor your husband.
Remember, ladies, sex is about two becoming one. It is not about your husband using you and then you taking care of yourself. Whether you are single or married, masturbation can lay a groundwork for difficulty. You are training your body to respond to certain environments, stimuli, and triggers. These might be environments, stimuli, and triggers your husband either will not be able to recreate or will choose not to recreate (like watching pornography). You have separated yourself from him and, unintentionally, have limited the intimacy you can experience with him.
That being said, fighting this battle is not easy. It would be far easier to believe that this is an OK thing to do and that you will be able to recover from this later. However, sin is sin and habits are habits. The sooner you can get them out of your life, the better.
3 Practical Steps for Women to Stop Masturbating
So, how can you stop masturbating when it has become a compulsive habit? Here are some practical steps to set boundaries to keep yourself from falling.
Think on truth.
More often than not, especially for us ladies, masturbation finds its root in fantasy. Stop that chain at the very beginning by holding tight to the words of Philippians 4:8. One of the things we are told to think or meditate on is truth. Truth is, you are not on some beach island with Casanova. Truth is, you have a life in front of you that needs your attention, and a Savior who has promised to help you through it. You do not need to run from it. When we run, we fall.
Know your weaknesses.
Speaking of the chain of fantasy, know what situations tend to get you into the mindset to either fantasize or masturbate.
For some women, stress is a huge trigger. For others, loneliness is a culprit. Some women don’t necessarily have a trigger, but a certain environment is more conducive to falling. Obviously, pornography or erotica can be a trigger. Sometimes, it is something benign. Even watching G-rated movies may start your mind wandering. Sometimes it is something that can be godly! Know your weakness. You cannot always avoid it, but knowing what it is will help you “pray up” and be on your guard.
The article “The Ultimate Guide to Identifying (and Redirecting) Your Porn Triggers” is full of great tips for helping you pinpoint your specific stumbling blocks.
Do not make it easy.
Romans 13:14 warns us against making provision for sin in our lives, specifically provision for the lust of our flesh. The battle for purity is already difficult enough without making sin convenient. Make masturbation as inconvenient as possible.
I debated putting this in here because I thought it might be too suggestive. Just as I was thinking about it, I got an email from a single young Christian woman struggling with masturbation. She was guessing that a good step in the right direction would be to get rid of her vibrator. Yes, that would be a very good step in the right direction. Get rid of it. I will not speak definitively within marriage, but I believe that sex toys have no place in the life of a single Christian woman. Get rid of them, and while you are getting rid of those, get rid of anything that can be used in place of those. (If I’m talking to you, you know what I am talking about.)
Since the Garden, Satan has capitalized on gray areas, convenience, and human weakness. It is doubtful that Eve would have eaten from that tree if she had a firm belief in the truth of God’s Word. It is also doubtful she would have gone to the trouble if the tree were on the top of Mount Everest. Make masturbation your tree on the top of Mt. Everest, and stand firm on the truths of God’s Word and His desire for purity. Most importantly, though, seek His strength and His wisdom. This is not a battle that can be won overnight, and the journey out can be marked even by physical pain, much like withdrawal. You will need Him every step of the way. The good news is, He promises to be there.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Thank you for this…. I am trying…it is definitely hard…but I am continuously pressing forward.
Great insight i’ve gained through this post, everyone struggles with this, I believe we should focus on God, I can name you a few triggers to masturbation, some G-rated movies, dreams that led to choice, being too free(nothing to do), alone in a hostel, sex is a gift from God, we need prayers, patience, self-control, encouragement and motivation from God to stay pure until we get married, it is hard but possible, though I am still struggling, so my point is we can have sex within the boundary of marriage, outside of it you are sinning.
I was really relieved to know I’m not alone in this masturbation struggle. As a 44 year old divorced woman, I’ve really struggled with missing sexual intimacy with my former husband. I too, like someone else mentioned, have awaked from very intimate and explicit sexual dreams and have masturbated often in my sleep. I have resorted to watching a good bit of porn the past few years, mostly because I really desire sex still, and I honestly don’t know how to stop. I feel a huge void, and I was never even sexually active until I got married at age 24. I was a virgin, and remained monogamous during my 18.year marriage. I do have to say, I equated sex with the feeling of being loved, adored, and wanted… and I still desire those things, badly. I think hormones have a lot to do with it too. My sex drive got really high when I got into my mid 30’s, and hasn’t really slowed down. I have had sex with other men since after my divorce, but somehow, masturbation has seemed like a better solution, because there’s no heartbreak involved. I wish I could stop, though. But honestly, having an orgasm is the most pleasurable physical feeling, and I don’t know the solution. I’ve even masturbated many times while recalling having sex with my former husband. Is that wrong? I just wish it wasn’t so difficult, and have often felt like sex only causes more problems than good. Thank you for this article. Again, it made me realize I’m not alone, and that I’m not weird, and that I too can use a lot of prayers to deal with this overwhelming desire.
Lyn,
Thank you for being so honest and sharing. I have to say I never really know what to say when dealing with divorced or widowed people who struggle. I feel like that struggle has to somehow be so different, and it’s hard to say whether it is wrong to recall sexual encounters with a former spouse. I wish I had a cut and dry answer, but I don’t. I can definitely speak to the issue of watching pornography. If you feel like you have always equated love and sex, watching pornography will continue to compound that lie. In other words, you won’t really be able to convince yourself otherwise (that love and sex are not the same) while actively watching porn.
I want to encourage you to pick up a copy of Sexual Sanity for Women by Ellen Dykas. I feel like it may offer some insight into your struggle and perhaps some help. A good portion of it is dedicated to untangling the sex=love lie.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. My parents divorced after 8 years of marriage, and it still bothers my mom 20+ years later. It is very heartbreaking.
Prayers with you.
Jessica: I have really enjoyed reading alot of your post and info. I have found them to be very good and accurate. Yes I do struggle with lust, for 40 years. that is another story. I would like to address the ISSUE of masterbastion (that is my struggle) and biblically is it wrong. In lev. 15:2-18 “2: Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.” The hebrew deffinition is seminal or menstrual Flux. For me if the man and anything that he has touched is unclean the that to me says it is worng. All throughout leviticuss talksabout unclean things and we are not to have part of that and avoid them. So I would have to a say based on leviticus masterbation is wrong.
I wonder if it’s too late to ask a question! But here it goes. I just started struggling with masterbation about a month ago. I know what triggered it. The fact that I just moved away from home to a very liberal area and the fact that I’m now away from a man I’m really smitten with. I fantasize about him constantly. And miss him a lot. Masterbation has made me feel So GUILTY! Especially since I’m lusting after someone who I just can’t have and am having to pay the price of massive guilt in missing him. I’m 22 and attending a university in Berkeley. The vibe of where I’m living has bluntly encouraged me to masterbate to release tension. The stress of studying here has built up in me, and there are times where I don’t feel so bad because I’m being told so often that it’s normal. But by not being in church anymore, of course I’m not going to hear otherwise. I just wanted to share my new struggle, so that’s why I’m commenting. But I do have a question about sex in general. Being so attracted to this man, I’ve been introduced to the fear of not being good enough for my husband because of inexperience. For some reason this thought of my future husband being so experienced brings fear in me. Is it really wrong of me to question how things are today? That it would be really really likely that I’ll end up with someone who isn’t a virgin, but I’m here trying so hard to value mine? I somehow feel that this is weirdly tied into my masterbation.
Anie,
I apologize for not seeing this earlier! I can definitely understand so many of your struggles- from masturbation to relieve stress, to conflicting feelings about whether or not it is OK, and how your choices now will play out in marriage.
First, let’s tackle the overall issue of your current struggle. You liked this guy. You wanted this guy. Now, you are missing this guy. To cope with that, plus deal with the added stresses of college life, you have turned to masturbation. It’s both a sexual release and a chemical release for you, giving substance to your fantasies and at the same time helping you escape your reality. I think you touched on one huge part of your struggle when you said you are not attending church anymore. What are you doing to grow your faith? Do you feel like you need to grow your faith? Because here is what can happen (and I am not saying that this is what happened with you, because I don’t know). We can get our minds and hearts set on something (a job, a guy, a car, whatever), and we don’t realize it, but we begin to idolize it. It becomes that important to us. Then, when it falls out of our reach, we can experience any range of emotions from disappointment to anger. This is often directed at God- the one we feel is supposed to love us. Doesn’t He want us to be happy? At this point, a wedge is driven into our faith.
Instead of stepping back and reevaluating our priorities, we can be guilty of wallowing in our misery or finding other ways of getting what we want. That is precisely what fantasy is. We cook up this scenario where we, not God, are in control and where we get exactly what we want. Masturbation gives us a physical reward for that fantasy. It feels good and makes us feel good, but at the same time, is draining because it’s one-sided and sex just wasn’t meant to be one-sided. So, again, we can experience a range of emotions from guilt to frustration.
When you throw stress into that mix of emotions, masturbation also becomes a way to relieve stress. Even without the fantasy, it is a means of escape. I know many college women who contact me struggle most during exams week. It’s just an easy fix, but it is a temporary one, and when it’s all over, that stress returns.
Alone, we might be able to handle any of these emotions. We learn how to cope with anger, disappointment, frustration, and so on, but when they all pile on us at once, they can smother us. So, the only means of coping we really know is escape.
I want to encourage you to unpack these different issues and tackle them one at a time because they are not as connected as you might think. First is this issue of the man back home. Instead of lusting after him, turn your desire toward him into a learning experience. It is not wrong to be attracted to a man, even sexually, but the reality is, this one is not your man. We are told to think on truth. Truth is: you are not married to him. What about him, though, attracts you? Are there character traits you find attractive? Maybe he’s a great leader, or sings bass, or has killer blue eyes- whatever those are, make a note of them. Then, make a note of some of his flaws. It sounds like you might have romanticized him and need to bring it back down into reality. If you can’t think of any flaws, then you don’t know him as well as you think you do.
Second, you need to plug in to the body of Christ somehow. This is especially true because you are in such a liberal area. You are one little light trying to shine in a storm, and you need the body of Christ for encouragement, accountability, and to speak truth into your life. Even if it is a Christian group on campus, find some way to plug in with other Christians and receive strength from them.
Thirdly, when it comes to the stresses of college life, I think you will find them eased greatly if you can shed this emotional baggage and get plugged-in to a community of believers. No, that doesn’t magically make your final exams or clinicals go away, but it will help them not look so huge. Even just having a group of friends to talk with can help you cope with that stress in a non-sexual way and in a way that actually helps alleviate the stress, not just numb it. When I was in college, I would go for regular walks with different friends, just to share what was going on in our lives, to help us not be overcome by different circumstances. It’s a pattern I still maintain to this day. I have found it is the healthiest way for me to deal with stress. Find a way that works for you- a way that actually relieves the stress- some people go for a run, some people write (I do that too), some sing. Learning how to properly cope with and avoid stress is an important life skill.
As for your concerns about sex in marriage, they point more to the character of the man than they do the actual issue of sex. No matter how experienced the two of you are, your first time together will still be your first time together, which means it’s a completely new experience, even if neither of you are virgins. It’s true that many Christians are having sex outside of marriage, don’t let the fact that you haven’t make you feel guilty, and if you meet a man who has, extend him grace. It does not make him better than you, and if he acts like it does, find yourself a new man- one who will respect you and the boundaries you have established for yourself.
(Wow- sorry. That was a book!)
Please feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you have any other questions. I will be praying for you.
Remember if you have value for yourself you can get someone with value go to church more .
Hi, Ruth,
Thanks so much for commenting and being so real. Please know that your questions are probably shared by every woman who has ever been honest enough to sit down and think through this issue. The questions you have asked show a lot of thought and wisdom. I don’t think you are making it too complicated. I think you are trying to honestly honor God with your life and make sense of His will.
It is such a gray area in our lives and in our culture too. So, instead of coming right out and giving a “Gospel-truth” answer about masturbation, let me put forward some thoughts that you can hopefully pray through.
Ultimately, you have to be convinced in your heart. I can sit here and try and tell you a hundred and one reasons not to, and then someone else can come by and give a hundred and one reasons why you should. This has to be something that goes ‘beyond’ reason.
1. Sex is not a right or even a need. Humans have basic drives- hunger, air, thirst, survival, etc. Our sex drive is our ‘motivation’ per se for reproducing. I like what one author said (paraphrased), “God said ‘be fruitful and multiply’ and then He made that fun.” However, of all of our basic human drives, sex is the only one that isn’t a necessity. You won’t die if you don’t have sex (you might feel like you’re going to at times).
In modern culture, we have come to expect sex. We demand it. It’s part of life. We have turned it into a need, and when God doesn’t seem to be meeting that need, we get a little creative in how to meet it ourselves.
2. Orgasm is not the only form of sexual release/satisfaction. I recently spoke with a woman who has been married for six years and stated that in that span she has only climaxed twice, yet, always feels satisfied when the encounter is over. She still feels bonded to and connected with her husband and THAT- not her own sexual ‘release’- is the intention of sex within marriage. It is two becoming one.
Masturbation, is a ‘fast track’ so to speak to the end result. Imagine growing up on microwave meals, then suddenly being asked to cook something for Thanksgiving. That process of cooking will seem, long, tedious, frustrating and prone to error. When it isn’t perfect (and it often isn’t), depending on your expectations, you might get frustrated. It’s messy. It’s complicated, takes patience, and practice but many people enjoy cooking, not just the eating part. It depends on what you have been trained to do. Masturbation trains your body to grow up on microwave meals- the only satisfaction is this, and now. (Does that make sense?)
On that same note, I find it very interesting that you seem to ‘struggle’ with romantic dreams. It’s like you’re eating microwave meals and dreaming of cooking. Ultimately, it seems like you are actually longing for romance, not simply sexual release which is actually what most women who struggle with lust and sexual sin are looking for.
3. Don’t worry about the disappointed husband. That can feed back into the cycle. You think about your future husband, and get worried that he will love you less because of this, so you begin to fear a lack of intimacy from someone you haven’t even met yet (which might explain the dreams), and then you get anxious, and sexually frustrated, and then you masturbate to relieve that frustration, and then you feel guilty, and you’re back at square one. Since, as you said, the husband is not a guarantee, cut him out of the equation and let this be a decision you make for the sake of honoring God. Any man worth his salt will extend grace, forgiveness, and compassion toward you.
So, to wrap this book up and specifically answer your questions:
Is it wrong without fantasy? My answer is yes. If sex as God intended is to be between a husband and a wife, then masturbation is outside of that intention, regardless of the fantasy. You are seeking the release without any of the ‘work.’
Would it be healthy to go through life without masturbating? Sure thing. It may feel like you’re going to go insane, at times, but there are other ways to relieve tension and to cope with the different things you mentioned.
I hope that helps. Please know I’m right there with you. Just turned 28 on Tuesday and still single. I get it! and it’s hard, BUT, I will say, the longer you go without it, the easier it gets. I’ll be praying for you!
This is a topic I have been going back and forth on in my mind. I just can’t seem to find a solid answer anywhere because it is such a gray area. I can remember masturbating early in my childhood just because it felt good. (I had no idea what I was doing at the time, and there was NO fantasy involved.) Now, as a single woman in my twenties, my sex drive is extremely high – and I definitely have a strong desire for marriage. The Lord, however, hasn’t seen to bring the right man into my life yet. I want to honor God and my future husband. Masturbation, for me, is not too frequent. It is a way for me to physically release built up sexual tension and also really helps my severe menstrual cramps. I have prayed about this time and time again. If masturbation is completely separate from fantasy, is it wrong? I can’t get a clear answer from anyone and it’s so frustrating. I have considered that I may be making excuses as in, “well, if I can’t have sex…how far can I go by myself?” I’m beginning to think that indulging in this may not be wise – because it opens the door for more later on and invites the temptation of sinful fantasy. On the other end of the spectrum, I just don’t get it. I want to get married – but there is no guarantee that will happen, which means no sex for a Christian. Would it be healthy to go through life without the sort of release that masturbation does bring? I hate not knowing whether or not I should feel guilty. All of the sexual tension I am experiencing drives me mad. I have had sex dreams in the past. More frequently, though, are dreams of simply being held, kissed, and touched. I want to be a godly woman – and I do not want to disappoint the man I hope to marry. Maybe this has become too complicated for me; I really don’t know.
I have struggled with this as well but I am happy to say I have not masturbated in a LONG time now. I think I have kicked the habit since it has been more than 6 months since I’ve slipped up and masturbated.
Praise God!
greetings,if I may ask…..how did you do it?
Good for you keep on going
Please…i need help…it’s very difficult to fight lust…please…i was crying when i was reading this…i know i displeases God whenever i masturbate…and that’s what i hate .. i do what i know that is wrong…help me my fellow sisters in Christ…i’m struggling…
I confess that I am guilty of masturbation and by God’s grace I have resolved to fight and to keep fighting till I overcome it. I feel dirty and unworthy to be in God’s presence. I have asked God to forgive me everyday for 15 years now. I am a strong christian who lives in the secret sin of masturbation and I do not have the courage to confess to my father who is a pastor. I know that God wants the best for me and I hate myself each time I upset Him with this unholy and ungodle act. From today I have decided to pray everyday for those like me who are struggling with masturbation, that God will forgive and give us His strength to walk away and overcome this devlish act of masturbation and sex in my dreams. Thank you so much for sharing and for the advice on this page. It has helped me a great deal. I know its my lustful thinkings and desires that spur me into it and I denounce masturbation publicly here that it will never and can never have dominion over me again in he Name of JESUS CHRIST….AMEN. Lets pray for our selves for God’s deliverance. I feel relieved
I am a 17 year old who has struggled with the addiction since i was 7.I acknowledge it’s sin and i feel so much pain,anger and sorrow immediately after the act.God doesn’t have to decree it a sin but does your heart know it’s sin?Jeremiah the prophet says that the laws or rather the new covenant shall reside in our hearts.Therefore noone has to tell you anything is sin you just know it by yourself. Jessica i was impressed by your article but especially the comment about us not being dirty because Romans 8: 1 states that therefore there is no longer any condemnation for those who believe in Christ Jesus..thank you and may God bless you with peace and love that can only come from Him.
Look up stuff about how to avoid it .
I find it sad that the god myth is again being used to make people, or in this case specifically women, feel they are wrong/evil/sick to masturbate. Masturbation can be a problem where its practice takes too much time or turns the person away from friends, family or just living a fulfilling and productive life but like many things such as watching TV, reading, playing computer games it can be a fun and enjoyable thing to do when relaxing. Its widely held by medical experts that it is in fact not only a normal thing to do but that it has benefits to the individual and their relationship as it reduces stress, eases period discomfort, helps us get to sleep, makes us happy (if goddists don’t fill us with guilt!), helps us know our bodies and so makes partner sex more successful. In fact as its free, harmless, fun and good for us it should really be promoted and de-stigmatized, not made taboo. Yes I masturbate, sometimes alone, sometimes with my husband and I will continue to do so as its not immoral, its not a ‘sin’ and I’m not one of the psychologically damaged people that think a non existent god is there voyeuring them as they do it and judging them evil.
The premise of the whole post is masturbation “addiction,” which I think is would agree with your statement, “Masturbation can be a problem where its practice takes too much time or turns the person away from friends, family or just living a fulfilling and productive life.” That’s the nature of addiction.
However, I disagree with your statements about “the god myth.” Care to share why you think God is a myth?
I couldn’t agree more! Masturbation is not a sinful thing, nor does it lead to sin. Masturbation is only bad if it takes over ones life, or becomes an addiction. For a single person, however, masturbation up to several times a day is normal, not a sin, not harmful, not a cause of alarm. This is just another ploy to use a god to make people feel guilty about a very personal thing. I certainly don’t want some god watching over me when I am masturbating!
I’m following what you’re saying, but the chief source of disagreement you have with the author is not your opinions about porn, but your opinions about God. The key question for both you and the author is this: What makes you think you are right about God?
I have seen many comments from atheists on various sites. I do not understand what motivates them to deprecate someone else’s faith. Why do they care? They can “do their own thing” and as long as they don’t do it to others they are free.
This is not making any body feel sad this is showing what there doing is wrong avry body is going to have a hard time with a problem this is a Christan wib site so if you don’t like it why are you even here don’t complain about god and your on a site about him.