Help Others Restore Integrity sad woman looking at floor
Help Others Restore Integrity 3 minute read

Guilt vs. Shame: Why Definitions Matter

Last Updated: October 28, 2020

Among counseling ministries and recovery groups it is popular to distinguish between guilt vs shame. Feelings of guilt and shame, they say, are distinct experiences, though often related. Here’s the popular distinction:

Guilt is feeling bad about what you do. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

There are several reasons why I believe this popular distinction is incomplete and unhelpful.

Good Intentions

Making a distinction between guilt and shame is important because they are distinct terms.

Often the motivation behind this popular distinction is to invalidate a sense of hopelessness about our sin. “Yes, you have done wrong, and yes others have hurt you,” they say, “but you are not beyond hope. You can change.”

In other words, the popular definition of shame is aimed at helping us stop defining ourselves by our relationship to sin. You are not merely the sum of your worst habits. You are not the dirty person someone abused. You belong to Christ.

I agree 100%.

Better Definitions of Shame and Guilt

However, shame is broader than just our self-identity. It has to do with our relationships.

The very word, “shame,” carries a relational tone: it is a feeling of humiliation, disgrace, or embarrassment. Christian counselor David Powlison gives a much better understanding of guilt and shame:

Guilt is an awareness of failure against a standard. Shame is a sense of failure before the eyes of someone.

In other words, guilt is about disobedience to a law or code, but shame is how I perceive others see me (or how I see myself).

Guilt and Shame: True vs. False

Powlison goes on to define the difference between true and false guilt. If I know I should treat people with kindness and patience, and instead I am continually irritable and I lose my temper, I should feel guilt. This is true guilt.

But if I have four preschoolers at home and I believe photo teams from House Beautiful should be able to show up at any moment to a spotless house, I might feel guilty because my house looks like an EPA disaster site. Here is a case of false guilt because I’m failing to live up to an artificial standard.

There can also be both true and toxic shame. If I have sinned against God and offended Him, or if I have sinned against another and hurt my relationship with them, I should feel a sense of shame. Shame is a healthy heart-response to the fact of a torn relationship.

If, however, my sense of shame does not reflect reality, then there is a problem. If I have not actually done anything to incur someone’s disfavor, but I believe I have, this could lead to false shame. Or if I wrongly believe that my actions have led to an irreparable breach, then I might react to my sense of shame by hiding myself—much the same way Adam and Eve did in the garden after eating the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:7-8).

Don’t Give Shame a Bad Name

The problem with the popular distinction between guilt and shame is that it gives the impression (intentionally or unintentionally) that shame is always or nearly always bad. This is not how the Bible speaks of shame.

Biblical authors often use the threat of potential disgrace or shame as a motivation for right behavior (Luke 14:9; Romans 1:24-26; 6:21; 1 Corinthians 11:6,14; 14:35; Ephesians 5:12).

Shame, in and of itself, is not a bad motivator. In fact, “shamelessness”—being so hard-hearted that one carouses in broad daylight—is a sign that something is seriously wrong  (Romans 1:27; 1 Corinthians 6:5; 11:6; Ephesians 5:12; Philippians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:16). An awareness of how our sins make others see us is a healthy quality. It is what Paul calls “walking properly” (Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 14:40; 1 Thessalonians 4:12), living in a manner of decency and seemliness, with an awareness that my actions impact those around me.

We do not sin in a vacuum, but rather our sin impacts our communities and thus impacts our place in those communities.

You are worse than you think you are.

When we say, “Shame is feeling bad about who you are,” often the implication is that there’s nothing actually wrong with who you are. This also flies in the face of Scripture, which not only labels our actions and attitudes as sinful, but labels us as sinners.

It is true that united to Christ, my identity and relationship to sin has changed. Paul said of his sinful habits, “I do the very thing I hate… It is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” (Romans 7:15b,17, emphasis added). But this did not mean he drew a distinction between being and doing, for in the same breath he said, “Wretched man that I am!” (Romans 7:24).

The difference for Paul was this: the very sins that used to cause a sense of toxic guilt and shame no longer did, because Paul ruthlessly trusted in the sufficiency of Christ’s work on the cross. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Why? Because “we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (5:1).

In other words, when we tell people they shouldn’t feel bad about who they are, we limit the glory of the gospel. The truth is, Jesus didn’t come to save good people who do bad things. He came to save bad people who wanted nothing to do with God. As the late Jack Miller used to say, Cheer up! You’re a worse sinner than you ever dared imagine, and you’re more loved than you ever dared hope.”

Photo credit: 13975275@N00
  1. Judy Granberg

    Thank you. Am teaching a Bible class on this, and needed this differentiation from a Biblical perspective vs. the secular, so very helpful. Blessings.

  2. David Hugh

    Thank you for this post, given the human tendency for avoiding guilt, (or shame), o think that it’s important for me to recognize appropriate guilt. Just like pain from a burn lets me know when something I’ve done might want to be avoided in the future.
    I was however concerned when I read the post on the link below… It seems to contain some truths, and I am having a tough time reconciling the two disparate views.
    Maybe I am just not understanding, or perhaps something else is amiss?
    I’d appreciate any insights you may have.

    https://healingfromgod.com/difference-between-conviction-guilt/

    Thanks again
    David

    • David

      David, the article you referenced has a wrong definition of guilt. Guilt is from God, not from Satan.
      Rom 3:19  Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. 
      Guilt is a legal term. It has to do with the relationship to the one wronged or offended.Paul tells us that God gave the law so we would know we had sinned. God gave us a conscience that causes us to realize our guilt before Him so that we would realize our sin and repent and turn to Him for forgiveness and reconciliation. All sin is ultimately against God. Our tendency, like Adam, is to blame others to try to get rid of the guilt, but that only brings more guilt. God says repent, confess and be cleansed of our sin. That is the only way to the true peace of God reigning in our hearts.
      Satan may bring “guilt feelings”, causing us to “feel guilty” when there is no true guilt, trying to keep us defeated and discouraged and hiding from God. But God, because of His great love, desires a relationship with us and sends the guilt to draw us back to Himself.

  3. Timothy Dunson

    We must also remember however how the enemy uses shame against us. He likes to focus on The Who much more so. I think the holy spirit’s job is to convict us when we have true guilt. Satan however uses shame to destroy our image of ourselves and ultimately our image of God that is his glory. Therefore destroying relationships between each other and with our God. As a practical and therefore a spiritual matter we are wise to focus on the forgiveness of our sins and the forgiver. It’s when Satan and our sin nature causes us to focus on our shame and therefore on ourselves and our value and our worth Scatta focusing on the goodness of God. One who has a thankful heart and an honest heart with God and others is one who lives with power and joy. It is important to understand the origins and functions of Shame and guilt it is just as important if not more important to understand the character of the god who sent his son pay for all of it and to free us from the bondage of Shame and guilt.

  4. Kristin

    Just what I needed to read. That quote at the end is priceless! Thank you for sharing…very helpful.

  5. Luisa Viglini

    This is my experience: After gearing the Gospel and being invited to say the sinner’s prayer I was told I was a child of God hence ” saved”. However after attending a Bible believing and teaching church for about a year I would hear of how one’s life would change . I could not relate to the applications of what was considered ” victories ” To me sin was nothing but spilled milk and there was no crying over it. it was only after understanding that my anger had not been considered si when acted upon it that I realised that acknowledging anger and being ashamed of sinful outbursts
    was not the same. I also realised that there is a difference between conviction from the Holy Spirit is good because it exposes the dirt in the house and then the next step is that of gladly asking His help to clean it up and not dirty things up again as opposite to being under condemnation which worsens my condition by making me want to lie to myself some more as well as to others.
    When I realised that I had lied to myself and God about my anger problem I felt the kind of shame that drew me out of my self deceit to the light and hope of the Gospel. For this reason I do not understand how some people do not use shame to improve themselves when confrontations take place. Aren’t confrontations necessary to help us see what we are really like so we can own up to
    Our condition and through repentance for our self deceit, with God’s help, we can begin to put off
    I have a problem with someone who might want me to believe that they are saved and that I am responsible for forgiving their admitted immorality but who have never shown any display of shame
    both at the time of salvation nor anytime thereafter. Please help me sort this out!! I feel caught between a rock and a hard place on this issue and I am asking God to send me some help.
    Could it be you?!! – ( I gave sought help many times already from many sources but I am not satisfied ) Thank you!!!
    Their immorality ( which I should by God’s standards )
    and let us God show us what to put on?!!

    • Chris McKenna

      HI Luisa – it is difficult when we don’t see any remorse to know for sure. But, it’s not up to us to force people to feel a certain way. I often remember Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” I do my part, which is to forgive (70×7 times if I have to), and then turn them over to God. It might have been shame that helped point you back to repentance and God, but how He might work in them, whether by shame or some other mechanism, is up to Him.

      Chris
      Covenant Eyes

  6. Love this! Thank you!

  7. Barbara Rice

    Wow you nailed it! It is the very truth of these things that move us to repentance and into a full relationship with God.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related in Help Others Restore Integrity

Editor's Picks

Group of young people having a Bible study

Help Others Restore Integrity

Accountability in Church

Statistics show that as many as 64% of church-going men of all ages and 34% of church-going women ages 18-30 look at porn…

10 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Image of Ashley Jameson.

Help Others Restore Integrity

5 Insights About Women and Pornography From Ashley Jameson

Ashley Jameson is the Associate Director of Women’s Groups for Pure Desire…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A woman on a podcast.

Help Others Restore Integrity

Dr. Lina Abujamra’s Thoughts on Sex and Shame

Lina Abujamra is a pediatric E.R. doctor. She’s now the founder of…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A youth pastor speaking to a group.

Help Others Restore Integrity

“The Youth Pastor Did What?!” Talking About Porn in Church

Growing up, I was fortunate to have pastors who were not afraid…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A woman looking for resources in the library.

Help Others Restore Integrity

The Best Porn Addiction Resources in 2024

When you tackle a problem as serious as porn addiction, you want…

7 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Image of Pastor Matt Chandler.

Help Others Restore Integrity

Matt Chandler on Accountability and Stepping Away From Ministry

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently sat down with Matt Chandler, pastor…

4 minute read

Read Post

Related in Help Others Restore Integrity

Group of young people having a Bible study

Help Others Restore Integrity

Accountability in Church

Statistics show that as many as 64% of church-going men of all ages and 34% of church-going women ages 18-30 look at porn…

Statistics show that as many as 64% of church-going men of all ages and 34% of church-going women ages 18-30 look at porn regularly.1 Unfortunately, accountability is largely absent from the church today. Most Christians are not accountable to their churches or anyone in them. According to Barna, only 5% of…

10 minute read

0 comments

Image of Ashley Jameson.

Help Others Restore Integrity

5 Insights About Women and Pornography From Ashley Jameson

Ashley Jameson is the Associate Director of Women’s Groups for Pure Desire…

Ashley Jameson is the Associate Director of Women’s Groups for Pure Desire Ministries. Not only is she an expert in the field of sex addiction, but she has her own powerful story of overcoming addiction.…

3 minute read

0 comments

A woman on a podcast.

Help Others Restore Integrity

Dr. Lina Abujamra’s Thoughts on Sex and Shame

Lina Abujamra is a pediatric E.R. doctor. She’s now the founder of…

Lina Abujamra is a pediatric E.R. doctor. She’s now the founder of Living with Power Ministries. She’s a popular Bible teacher, podcaster, and conference speaker. She’s also the author of several books. She provides medical…

4 minute read

0 comments

A youth pastor speaking to a group.

Help Others Restore Integrity

“The Youth Pastor Did What?!” Talking About Porn in Church

Growing up, I was fortunate to have pastors who were not afraid…

Growing up, I was fortunate to have pastors who were not afraid to mention the word “porn” or address the issue of sexual integrity head-on. This led to a safe environment in which I was…

3 minute read

0 comments

A woman looking for resources in the library.

Help Others Restore Integrity

The Best Porn Addiction Resources in 2024

When you tackle a problem as serious as porn addiction, you want…

When you tackle a problem as serious as porn addiction, you want to make sure you have the best resources available. Thankfully, it’s no longer difficult to find plenty of offline and online help. Still,…

7 minute read

0 comments

Image of Pastor Matt Chandler.

Help Others Restore Integrity

Matt Chandler on Accountability and Stepping Away From Ministry

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently sat down with Matt Chandler, pastor…

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently sat down with Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church and president of Acts 29. They talked with Pastor Matt about his recent leave of absence from ministry, what…

4 minute read

0 comments