Over the years of counseling those who struggle with pornography or who have had an affair, I
have heard a few recurring comments. Some will say things like, “I said I was sorry, why can’t my spouse just forgive me and move on?” or “I told her I was sorry, but she keeps bringing it up.”
Comments like this make me wonder what the person means when they say “sorry.” Even though saying you’re sorry is important, it isn’t the same as repentance. So what is repentance and how do we distinguish repentance from just saying you’re sorry?
What is Repentance?
Repentance can be difficult to define, but it is worth defining. A good definition is found in The
Westminster Shorter Catechism (Q. 87):
“Repentance unto life is a saving grace, whereby a sinner, out of a true sense of his sin, and apprehension of the mercy of God in Christ, doth, with grief and hatred of his sin, turn from it unto God, with full purpose of, and endeavour after, new obedience.” [1]
In other words, repentance is a gift from God in which we understand both our sin and God’s mercy. It grieves and hates sin while also naming it specifically. Repentance turns from sin to God, resulting in new obedience. Let’s look at four marks of repentance that separate it from just saying you are sorry.
Repentance is a Gift that Clings to God’s Mercy
This characteristic of repentance deals with the goal of repentance. The purpose of repentance is
to experience the love and mercy of Christ, and that is the soil it grows in. If you try to repent
outside the love and mercy of Christ, then two things can happen.
First, if you miss His love and mercy, then you will think Jesus loves you solely based on how repentant you are. Second, you will look at your sin all the time and get lost in the despair of it. Jack Miller put it this way:
“The Devil can be pretty tricky. He doesn’t mind you thinking much about repentance and faith if you do not think about Jesus.” [2]
Repentance that loses sight of Jesus turns into either self-improvement
or despair.
But there is no condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1). Paul modeled not letting your sin keep you from the grace and love of Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:9-10). Even though Jesus is grieved by your sin of pornography or an affair, you have not surprised Him, He is not disgusted with you, and He doesn’t hate you.
Repentance is a gift from God. Since it’s a gift, there is no room for boasting. For those
struggling with porn addiction, this is humbling because we can’t do it on our own and need the
Spirit of Christ, God’s Word, and God’s people to help us change. It is also freeing as it gives us
confidence that God wants to work in us, and we can work harder knowing our work is not in
vain (Philippians 2:12-13; 1 Corinthians 15:58).
Repentance Grieves and Hates the Sin More than the Consequences
When we read about Saul and David, we see a stark contrast in how they react toward their sin.
Saul’s reaction when confronted with his sin is to justify it, blame circumstances, seek a quick
fix, and grieve the consequences of it (1 Samuel 15). Conversely, David’s reaction to his sin is that he takes ownership, grieves his sin against God, hates his sin, and accepts the consequences (Psalm 51; 2 Samuel 12:13-23). Even though David’s sin led to negative consequences, he didn’t grieve the consequences more than the pain he caused God and others in his sin.
During the denial stage of porn and sex addiction, every man I’ve worked with is like Saul instead of David. Even though we might not struggle with addiction, we all are professionals at avoiding ownership of our sin or pushing for a quick fix like Saul. Saying you are sorry without repenting is pushing for a quick fix and not really owning your mistakes.
Repentance is Specific
David was specific about his sinful behavior of sleeping with a married woman named Bathsheba and conspiring for her husband Uriah to be killed in battle (2 Samuel 11-12). These are the specific sins David had on his mind when he wrote Psalm 51.
In order to repent, we must look at our specific sins and confess them specifically (Westminster Confession of Faith 15.5). Broad confession, like “I’m selfish,” without naming specific ways you have been selfish, isn’t repentance. It’s avoidance. Repentance can look like someone
saying, “When you called me last night at the office to check on me, I told you I was working. I
was really just looking at porn and didn’t want to be honest. I lied to you. In that moment, I
chose the comfort of pornography instead of honesty with you.” All of us can say we are sorry in
vague ways, like “I’m sorry for my selfishness.” Repentance names the sin specifically.
Repentance Results in Fruit
True repentance results in fruit since it is a turning away from sin and turning toward Christ, who
is the true vine (John 15:1-5). This is why the Apostle Paul calls people to “…repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance” (Acts 26:20). Stories like John the Baptist telling the crowd what they should do and Zacchaeus, who rights the wrongs he did, provide additional examples of repentance resulting in fruit (Luke 3:8-14; Luke 19:1-10).
As with any fruit in gardening, a seed can be planted, but it can take time to see its growth. Real repentance can happen in a moment, but its fruit takes time to grow and be seen. Zacchaeus didn’t right everyone he wronged in an instant. It took time to pay back everyone fourfold. This
is important as it pertains to porn and sex addiction recovery because even when you repent, fruit can take time.
It is also important for the spouse hurt by the addiction. Even though forgiveness and reconciliation are the goal, trust is different. Trust must be rebuilt, and a spouse has every right to wait and see if true repentance is bearing fruit. Saying you are sorry happens in a moment. Repentance produces fruit over time because it abides in Christ.
More than Sorry
So let’s go back to what I sometimes hear guys tell me: “I said I was sorry. Why can’t we move
on?” It might be because saying you’re sorry is not the same as repentance. Repentance is a gift
that clings to God’s mercy, grieves and hates the sin, accepts the consequences, acknowledges
sin specifically, and results in fruit over time.
Saying you’re sorry can be the start of repentance, but it can also be false repentance in disguise. A repentant person does not demand trust, but becomes trustworthy one day at a time.
0 comments.