Rebuild Your Marriage
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Building Trust Again – For marriages harmed by pornography

Last Updated: February 21, 2014

by Veronica Benton

Veronica BentonI am often asked, “When will I trust my husband again?” This is such a hard question to answer, especially for a woman who just found out her husband has been hiding a pornography addiction.

Trying to find herself in the shock of the moment and not seeing a light at then end of the tunnel is such a scary place.

I knew my husband was having an “affair with our computer” for a long time: the first year and a half of our marriage, to be exact. The problem was that I thought it was my fault. I thought I was not fulfilling my husband, so he would have to turn to the Internet. It was so hard to muster up the courage to call him out, but I knew I had to do something. I had fallen into an eating disorder, partly to have control of something in my life and because I felt that if I could look like the girls online, he would pick me over them. On top of that, we were leading worship at our church, wearing perfect masks, telling no one of our struggles. I had exhausted my efforts and had enough. He snuck into bed around 4am one night and I said, “I know what you’re doing.”

Let the recovery begin.

Thankfully, T wanted to change and was truly sorry. I am heartbroken on the road when I talk to women who tell me their husband says, “The only problem with me looking at porn is your jealousy problem.” Ouch.

One of the biggest factors in rebuilding trust in our marriage is accountability. We signed up with accountability software and the first two weeks in, I got his report in my email and realized it works. I had to call him out again, and told him this was his Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. If it happened again, the Internet would be gone for good. Every time I get a “clean” report, it helps to build trust.

We always tell people that addiction is addiction, everyone just has their drug of choice. Porn happened to be T’s hardest habit to break. Now, had he secretly been addicted to cocaine, yes, I’m sure I’d have been devastated, but secret sexual sin personally affects the spouse in such a deep way. I know his addiction wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to learn that.

If you’re reading this and think your spouse’s addiction is your fault, please understand it is not. There is nothing you could have done or said differently to prevent the addiction. Trust me, I tried. I tried for a year and a half. Through marriage we become one, especially in our most intimate times. So in my mind, he was turning away from me, unfulfilled, which left me so offended and so disgusted. Once I truly grasped that his addiction wasn’t my fault, I was really able to take “me” out of the equation and we were able to focus on him and his recovery.

Through this entire process I learned a lot about my own faith and our marriage. January 19 will be our 9 year wedding anniversary. When we got married I gave my heart to my husband. He wasn’t very gentle with it, and so I took it back. Since that time, T and I have both truly given our hearts to Jesus. Truly. As long as Jesus is holding my heart, no one can break it. So really, part of rebuilding trust was trusting Jesus with our hearts.

I think I would be lying if I said I trusted my husband 100%. We as humans are imperfect beings; unfortunately, we let each other down. T and I have chosen to grow together and change together. We said, “Till death do we part,” and meant it. I do, however, trust Jesus with my heart, and as long as T and I are fully focused on Him we will always be pointing in the same direction, together. We have taken this addiction and turned it into our ministry. We are daily fighting the battle and daily choosing integrity. If we were in a solitary place, he and I would both be in a recovery group. There is so much healing in knowing you are not alone in your struggle. We are reminded of this daily through emails, texts and talking to people after our shows. It is so amazing to have a couple come up and say, “Thank you, that is our story and it needs to be heard.”

If you are struggling with a hidden addiction, please be honest about it. Get it off your chest by telling someone. Choose integrity daily. Who we are the good, the bad, and the ugly make up our ministry here on earth. Focus on what you are passionate about and use it for Gods purpose. Be the change you want to see, and most of all . . . just love.

. . . .

Veronica BentonThis is a guest post by Veronica Benton. In 2002, Veronica’s husband Tyler (TD) confessed his ongoing struggle with pornography. Since 2006, T and Veronica have been touring the country with their band, White Collar Sideshow, a group dedicated to helping people break free pornography addiction.

  1. Pulled from the Fire

    Dark_light wrote: Pulled – I’ll keep praying for you.
    Matthew 18:3 – “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

    What is your prayer for me dark_light, that I would loose my convictions? Is this your idea of childlikeness?

    My whole point has been that you are getting ripped off. If you are a Christian, and you grow, this is what will happen to you naturally; you will let go of mixed up junk like WCS and CCM all together. Why? Because these inferior things will be replaced with greater joys; like knowing and believing the gospel.

    1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

    Jake wrote: “come on guys, it seems to me like all you guys are here for is to argue your point so that you can come out on top. For me reading this it just looks like one selfish post after another”

    Jake, you are like some others on this thread who what to shut me down with an argumentum ad hominim (an argument against the person, not the issue).
    This just goes to show that my previous post were right on target: You manifestly have no convictions about the gospel!

    Why is this? Simple, to begin with you manifestly don’t know what the gospel is!

    One reason the gospel is not precious to you and why you have no convictions about is that it is not the center of your life. This is a very serious state to be in my friend, beware! You have been led astray.

    People of the world think they are superior because they have no convictions. They therefore tend to put energy into relationships and activism, not truth. When you love truth, your friends will be few. Many in our day who say they are Christians are just deluded social activists.

    You will LOVE the gospel if God ever grants you eyes to see it. May it be soon, according to His Grace, Amen.

    The Church promoting CCM (and thus WCS) is akin to supporting people in their native blindness and ignorance. I can clearly see this manifested on this thread by the remarks of the young fans of WCS. Can you? Do you care?

    Did you notice that this is the first post in two weeks? I threw down the challenge in previous posts with no takers! These children don’t know what the gospel is! Nor do they seem to care. Do you say that they are just like most Christians today? I agree they are, and this it is no comfort to me.

    • @Pulled – I have resisted responding because I don’t feel like this discussion is going anywhere productive, so I will try to make this my last comment on this thread.

      I read through your comments and I find a great amount of agreement in many areas, especially your beliefs about the true gospel and the need for churched men and women to really understand and embrace it. I also agree with much of your sentiments about the way church undiscerningly embraces elements of pop culture and thus elevates form over substance. We see this especially in the area of popular music.

      The key difference for me is I do not believe that merely because this has been a trend that we should swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme and believe that therefore every expression in pop culture or modern music should be rejected or denounced by the church as if every instance is an example of form over substance. I take Acts 17 as an example of this: Paul could in one hand be poised like a classic Greek orator, could quote from the Greek poets of his day and use them to contextualize the gospel (even quoting from idolatrous literature that praised Zeus), while on the other hand issuing a strong message that denounced idolatry, Stoicism, and Epicurianism, a message that flew in the face of their deeply rooted dualistic thinking, a hard message about repentance and the final judgment. This was a form they could recognize and understand, but with a Christ-centered, gospel-filled substance. This, I believe, is a classic example of Paul becoming all things to all men that he might win some (1 Cor 9:22).

      Yes, WCS should always been examining their methods and forms. They should be continually striving for a more precise understanding of the gospel and continually exploring how best to explain it to others. But as far as I can tell, their use of modern music and style is not an example of form over substance. Audiences are continually captivated by the substance of their message, the way they expose pornography for the bottomless pit it is, and their strong call to repentance.

      I do find your comments about savagery and “traditional culture” very interesting. If by savagery you mean “loosing all sense of propriety” (as you said), I would agree this is a bad direction for the church to go to reach the lost. But if by savagery you also include tattoos or experimental drum and bass music, I see nothing evil or wrong about that sort of so-called “savagery.” Yes, these forms may fly in the face of classical European notions of refinement and civility, but I see no biblical reason to cling to those notions as they have been traditionally expressed in the West.

      I wish you the best, Pulled from the Fire. Thank you for stirring such a thought provoking discussion here.

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