by Veronica Benton
I am often asked, “When will I trust my husband again?” This is such a hard question to answer, especially for a woman who just found out her husband has been hiding a pornography addiction.
Trying to find herself in the shock of the moment and not seeing a light at then end of the tunnel is such a scary place.
I knew my husband was having an “affair with our computer” for a long time: the first year and a half of our marriage, to be exact. The problem was that I thought it was my fault. I thought I was not fulfilling my husband, so he would have to turn to the Internet. It was so hard to muster up the courage to call him out, but I knew I had to do something. I had fallen into an eating disorder, partly to have control of something in my life and because I felt that if I could look like the girls online, he would pick me over them. On top of that, we were leading worship at our church, wearing perfect masks, telling no one of our struggles. I had exhausted my efforts and had enough. He snuck into bed around 4am one night and I said, “I know what you’re doing.”
Let the recovery begin.
Thankfully, T wanted to change and was truly sorry. I am heartbroken on the road when I talk to women who tell me their husband says, “The only problem with me looking at porn is your jealousy problem.” Ouch.
One of the biggest factors in rebuilding trust in our marriage is accountability. We signed up with accountability software and the first two weeks in, I got his report in my email and realized it works. I had to call him out again, and told him this was his Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. If it happened again, the Internet would be gone for good. Every time I get a “clean” report, it helps to build trust.
We always tell people that addiction is addiction, everyone just has their drug of choice. Porn happened to be T’s hardest habit to break. Now, had he secretly been addicted to cocaine, yes, I’m sure I’d have been devastated, but secret sexual sin personally affects the spouse in such a deep way. I know his addiction wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to learn that.
If you’re reading this and think your spouse’s addiction is your fault, please understand it is not. There is nothing you could have done or said differently to prevent the addiction. Trust me, I tried. I tried for a year and a half. Through marriage we become one, especially in our most intimate times. So in my mind, he was turning away from me, unfulfilled, which left me so offended and so disgusted. Once I truly grasped that his addiction wasn’t my fault, I was really able to take “me” out of the equation and we were able to focus on him and his recovery.
Through this entire process I learned a lot about my own faith and our marriage. January 19 will be our 9 year wedding anniversary. When we got married I gave my heart to my husband. He wasn’t very gentle with it, and so I took it back. Since that time, T and I have both truly given our hearts to Jesus. Truly. As long as Jesus is holding my heart, no one can break it. So really, part of rebuilding trust was trusting Jesus with our hearts.
I think I would be lying if I said I trusted my husband 100%. We as humans are imperfect beings; unfortunately, we let each other down. T and I have chosen to grow together and change together. We said, “Till death do we part,” and meant it. I do, however, trust Jesus with my heart, and as long as T and I are fully focused on Him we will always be pointing in the same direction, together. We have taken this addiction and turned it into our ministry. We are daily fighting the battle and daily choosing integrity. If we were in a solitary place, he and I would both be in a recovery group. There is so much healing in knowing you are not alone in your struggle. We are reminded of this daily through emails, texts and talking to people after our shows. It is so amazing to have a couple come up and say, “Thank you, that is our story and it needs to be heard.”
If you are struggling with a hidden addiction, please be honest about it. Get it off your chest by telling someone. Choose integrity daily. Who we are the good, the bad, and the ugly make up our ministry here on earth. Focus on what you are passionate about and use it for Gods purpose. Be the change you want to see, and most of all . . . just love.
. . . .
This is a guest post by Veronica Benton. In 2002, Veronica’s husband Tyler (TD) confessed his ongoing struggle with pornography. Since 2006, T and Veronica have been touring the country with their band, White Collar Sideshow, a group dedicated to helping people break free pornography addiction.
Veronica,
Thank you so much for the article and for the ministry! It was wonderful to get to know your whole group when you all came to the old gym in Indianapolis. Don’t let the haters get you down!
God bless
Yes, thank you Veronica. Your testimony is an inspiration to so many women.
Eddies Thigh… LOL
@Pulled from the Fire,
As someone that has been in ACM/CCM for over 25 years what I see as truly tragic, sick and worth weeping about is the same religious spirit of fear and ignorance today that was evident when I first came on the scene.
I am more then proud to call WCSS friends, brethren and partners in bringing restoration, repentance and salvation to Christians and non-Christians alike and in making the name of Jesus famous throughout the land. Their testimony, gentle spirits and humility will do more to bring Truth to the darkness then the Pharisaical ugliness in your post.
You would do well to remember that when ADONAI comes to judge the earth, He comes to judge the earth rightly and the peoples fairly. (Psalm 98:9). That is His job and His alone.
Yes, scripture says that those of you that are spiritual, judge… but your post doesn’t fall under that scripture. Spiritual judges correct, build up, and restore. Always in and with love, not anger, bitterness or hate.
In Matthew 7:2 Jesus said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
A comment section can’t address the obvious issue’s that distress you.
I’m sorry that man has misrepresented the person of Jesus to you.
I’m sorry that the enemy has used music, music of any form, to cause you such pain.
Father, I pray for this person. I pray for wholeness, sound mind and spirit. Peace. Your Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation to permeate this person’s entire being. That they would know Your ways and Your love. That they would find peace in knowing that you are in control no matter what happens in this life. That they would come to trust you for justice and for truth. That You would make Yourself known to them, Father.
I would encourage you to pray for WCSS… no matter what your feelings towards them That is what Jesus told us to do…
So proud of u guys for using such a hard and sure somewhat embarassing topic openly. To help other face their hidden sin and step out in repent (turn from) and find accountability. I believe the Lord is using WCSS in more ways than you could know. It has been such a blessing knowing you guys and seeing first hand the radical love you have for Jesus. Helping to reach the hurt, lost, and forgotten for his name sake. To see you are both so down to Earth n love ppl so much. You have lifted me up so many times through your love n u didn’t even know it. And u have challenged by you when haven’t triedbc you just live n love and reach out n watching you give up you home n everything to live out of a small RV n minister to ppl! you are inspirational and love you guys and I pray God continues to Bless your ministry.
With love, your friend,
Sara
pulled from the fire, you cannot be more wrong about Tyler. I have known him since he turned his life over to Christ and he and Roni are the real deal. They took a huge leap of faith and sold everything they owned to start this ministry.
I hope at some point, you will have the opportunity to spend some time with these wonderful people. They are doing great work for God, and throughout all of their success, they give all the glory to God and nothing to themselves.
I can only hope that someday I can be as faithful as these two people.
Veronica,
Love and miss you guys. Thanks for this!!
I’m soo proud of my family!!! Thanks Roni for speaking from ur heart and just being real and honest!!!! Keep on doing what u have been doing!!! :)
This poor woman. She thinks her husband has repented.
Poor Covenant Eyes, they say that White Collar Side Show is their friend.
How undiscerning and wicked. How tragic.
Have a look at this womans husband posing with his head inches from a female fan’s private parts who has pulled up her skirt so high we can see her privates, all so she can show off an image see has tattooed on her extreme upper thigh. The image is of the leader of WCSS, who obviously loves his image more than the soul of this poor fan. One of the comments from another fan on Myspace to this image is “yum yum, nice thigh”.
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=85225431&albumID=3062619&imageID=38228938
The time has come to wake up and repent of using the Lord’s name in vain.
There is no such thing as Christian Rock music. Rock music is all about rebellion. It comes from the drug culture. It mimics drug effects. The people who make it are often high on drugs.
WCSS: Who gave you permission to put the Ark of the Lord on a Philistine cart?
It is time to repent; no one is being helped by this trash. Even if WCSS removes this image, have a look at the poor young people caught up in this web of error on their Myspace page and weep! WEEP!
These kids are permanently defaced with images of horror (and images of this band). They are lost and think they are saved. They love to party, and Jesus is just another excuse to do so. And “church” leadership, drunk with the whore of this world is fighting for their right to party; even paying for it. Sick. This is very sick.
Who am I to speak like this to you? I was saved from the Rock and Roll drug culture only to be stumbled back into it by the “church”. Thanks for nothing modern “christanity”, CCM, and “Christian radio”.
Repent and turn to Christ, I beg you, or be cast into the lowest hell where you belong.
Matthew 7:13-23 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: 14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. 15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing (and now days even come openly looking like demons), but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. 21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
@Pulled from the Fire,
Thanks for the comment. A few responses for you:
First, the picture you posted is of Tyler Benton (of WCSS) posing next to a man’s leg, not a woman’s (the guy is a tattoo artist named Eddie). I’m not sure what “private parts” you are talking about.
To say a band that speaks out against pornography actually promotes pornography because of this photo is a fairly rash thing to say. At most we might say it reflects an insensitivity to the idea that the picture of a man’s tattooed thigh might cause someone to stumble. I’m sure you could ask WCSS to take it down if it offends you.
I’m not sure you can rightfully discern, by one photo, that Tyler loves his tattooed image more than the soul of the fan who bears the image (nor assume the man with tattoo is somehow a lost soul).
Last, thanks about your comments concerning rock music. What you are talking about is a polarizing issue that goes far beyond this blog or our ministry, but I will reply with a few comments. It is true much of rock music has some of its roots in drug culture, and it saddens me to hear that music styles played in modern churches somehow made you stumble. My questions for you are:
1. In what way did listening to rock music in church make you stumble? Were you sucked back into drug culture as a result of listening to Christian rock?
2. By “rock music” what do you mean? Do you mean any sort of hard music period? I more thought of WCSS as an experimental drum and bass sort of group, kind of industrial.
3. Isn’t every style of music rooted in some human culture? Aren’t those cultures rife with their own commonplace and demonstrative sins? In your opinion is it at all possible that Christ could redeem a style or flavor of music that has traditionally or culturally been associated with the promotion of evil behavior?
Just thought I would pick your brain a bit. Thanks for the comment.
Great article! Wonderful testimony! We saw you at Ichthus this past June. We loved your music. We saw you and T walking around and thought oh my gosh, we have to see their show. And we did! Thank God for people like you that will give their heart felt testimony. We are planning to bring our youth group to see you at Liberty KY next month. Can’t wait to see you again.
In God’s love,
Debbie