Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
Reading this is killing me. About 6 months ago I was on my partner of 2 years’ computer and found a folder of images of different female friends of his. Some of them had been edited so that they were the only ones in the photo. It absolutely killed me! I don’t think I have ever been so heart broken by someone who I love. I confronted him about it and he promised me it wasn’t sexual just something he had that was his “naughty little secret”. Now here I am 6 months later and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what I found. Every time I see the women or know he’s spoken to them I want to vomit. Now I have just found that he has been spending hours on his phone surfing porn images while he is at work. I know I am not as pretty or as sexual as these women and no matter what I do I never will be. I spend my time going between wanting to change myself so he will find me attractive and wanting to confront him. But I am so scared that if I do then ill push him away. We have sex about once a week. I don’t think he finds me attractive or my body a turn on. I am so devastated.
Hi Kendy,
Changing yourself to meet his needs is not the answer. Talking to him about this deeply felt insecurity could really help this situation. If he continues to do things that communicate that he wants to lust after other women, he needs to know (even though it should be obvious to him) that this harms you. He took a vow to you to be faithful to you, “forsaking all others.” He needs to treat this seriously.
That said, even if he cleaned up his act today and gained your trust, you still have to find a way to deal with the memory of these things. Some of that can be healed over time as he demonstrates his love and affection for you, but some of that has got to be learned as you ground your identity in something much bigger than your sex appeal. Many women have found it helpful to talk to a counselor about these things, and I think that would be a great step for you as well.
my husband has had an addiction to porn for quite some time now…It makes me feel degraded and unattractive…I feel as if he wants me to be like those women he’s watching but its just not me. I went to work one day and when I got home I looked at the history on my pc and found that what he had done all day while I was gone was look at porn..it crushed me becuz he and I separated for while due to addicition to drugs and we recently decided to try again and now I have to worry about yet another distructive addiction. I wont compete or try to be someone Im not…Im afraid that if this addiction he has does not stop, I will have no choice but to divorce him..we have so many trust issues and I have really given my all and done so much to help him…I just feel like I cant do anything else..if he doesnt want to change or feel the need to, should I continue to allow myself to be degraded like this or disrespected?? I know I deserve better than that
Porn is an arousal addiction, similar to, but not completely like, substance addictions. The high your husband receives from drugs is similar to the high he gets from porn.
Keep in mind there are plenty of steps between discovering this problem and divorce. Follow Ella’s advice in these three articles, for starters.
Second, think about ways you can communicate the offensiveness of this to him. He would not like it if you were chatting with men online and having sexual conversations. You see his porn use the same way: he is letting other women into his heart and mind. Tell him this is not what marriage is all about: it is about being the only one for each other and growing in intimacy.
Thanks, Luke!
I’m so glad I found this forum. I don’t know what to do. I know alot of men look at porn, but it seems to be addictive for my husband. We’ve been together a year and a half, married for less than six months now. I have a 10-year-old son and previously left a verbally abusive 18 year relationship. My husband and I both work. I also mow, cook, do the laundry, take out the trash, etc.
He blames his recently-low libido and delayed ejaculation on medication, weight and work stress. However, I’ve also contronted him about the porn I found on the computer. I told him I don’t care if he looks at it, as long as he doesn’t care if I talk to guys on the internet. That stopped it for about a week, but he’s back at it. I really wouldn’t care if I were getting some too (ha), but it’s once a week or less, and half that time he can’t ejaculate.
I’m younger and haven’t gained any weight since we met, so….wth? Guess I’ll just wait the etiquette-based year so I don’t have to return the wedding gifts (most of the money was spent already) and ask for a divorce…
Sounds like he needs to be confronted again. Let him know you can’t stand for this in your marriage. That’s what “forsaking all others” means. You analogy of chatting with guys online is a good one. If he can’t tolerate you emotionally connecting other men, he should understand why you can’t stand him ejaculating to images of women on a screen.
Remember, being anti-porn is not about being anti-sex. The goal of all of this is intimacy, not just “quitting porn.”
You might enjoy these articles:
Why Porn Hurts Marriages (and why marital sex is so much hotter than porn)
The Path to True Intimacy and Better Sex
My husband and i have been married a little over a year. i knew about him viewing porn before. we have talked about it numerous times. he wants to quit he says and stops for up to a few weeks but then stress gets high and im suffering from post partum depression so it makes it harder for him to talk to me even more. i dont know what to do. he says he wants to stop but doesnt i give him a while then when i notice odd behavior look at our browser history before he has a chance to erase it and hes done it again. i dont want to block him out more but i am thinking about talking to someone to go talk with him as well. i know we both need it.
our situation is tough too because we are living with my inlaws because he still hasnt found a job. and he had video game addiction before porn.
Hi kayla,
You might want to ask him some time about what his action plan is going to be for quitting. He needs to have a plan in place for how he is (1) going to distance himself from temptation, and (2) how he is going to deal with the triggers when they arise.
There are books galor about this topic. Perhaps he would like The Game Plan by Joe Dallas or Closing the Window by Tim Chester.
As for yourself, I recommend you find someone you know personally to talk about this. It’s hard enough when your husband is retreating to pornography, but to compound that with post-partum depression would be awful. Don’t be alone in your struggle with this. You need just as much support as he does.
I’ve been with my husband for over 10 yrs, we married when we were 19 and We have 3 daughters together. I’ve always struggled with my weight/ body issues and having a husband that is addicted to porn/ masturbation doesn’t help. When he gets caught he lies about it and denies any wrong doing,or simply doesn’t say anything. I feel ugly, fat, and not good enough for a man. The romance left 9yrs ago and never returned. We hardly talk to each other we’re intimate 1 or 2ce a month, I’ve tried to end it but I grew up without a dad and don’t want the same for my kids. When I ask him if he loves me he says yes. When I try to end it he fights for us to stay together, but why?? I don’t understand. Just last night I found porn on his phone and I blew up!! He wouldn’t say anything he’s a coward. What do I do???
From the sounds of it, he is a coward. I pity him because I used to be in his shoes. I know how porn can get a grip on you and you just don’t know what your life will look without it.
If he refuses to say anything to you, here’s how I might approach him. “You don’t have to say anything to me right now, but I have something to say to you, and I need your full attention. I know you’ve been looking at pornography. I know this has been an issue in your life for a while now. First, I want you to understand how it hurts me to know that you not only fantasize about other women, but you seek out images in order to fantasize about them. When we got married and you vowed to forsake all others, I thought it meant you would seek to have eyes for only me, even if the world threw temptations your way. I don’t blame you for being tempted. But if we are going to make our marriage work, the porn needs to stop.
“Please understand me: I’m not asking for you to give this up in exchange for nothing. I want porn to stop robbing us of real intimacy. I want the romance back in our marriage. I don’t want you to feel like you need to retreat to images on a screen. I want us to please one another physically and emotionally. I don’t want to live out the rest of our days in a marriage that isn’t striving for this.
“I understand if you have nothing to say right now, but here’s what I’m asking you to do. I want you to stop watching porn, and if you feel it is some kind of compulsion, I want you to get help. I don’t know how you feel about this, but despite how you feel about me or us, I want you to be free from the need you feel to look at porn.
“If you don’t want to make this change, just understand that I can’t live with this anymore. If it means we need to take a break from each other, if it means you need to move out for a while until you can find the help you need and I can find the support I need, then so be it.”
There are a ton of good resources available on this website to help you with this conversation, but it sounds like it is a conversation that needs to be had. I feel so sad for the issues his porn problem has caused in you. Understand that his porn problem has nothing to do with you. His obsession with porn is because he’s obsessed with the novelty of it, the variety, the “forbidden.” No one woman can satisfy the lusts of a man who is used to an online harem at his fingertips. He needs to retrain his mind to understand what true beauty is.
I’ve been with my husband over 6 years and while we weren’t married he was watching porn and I think now he may be addicted he still has sex with me he says he just watches so he can learn things but I think it’s a lie what should I do I tried talking to him I’m afraid it’s going to ruin our marriage
Perhaps you both could use some good education about how porn impacts the brain and how we think. I recommend reading this free online book called The Porn Circuit. It references psychologists and neuroscientists about the impact of porn on someone’s mind. It is very readable.
Whether or not your husband is addicted is not the point (although, if he is, that is a serious concern). The point is how he is training his mind sexually as he watches more and more porn. There are ways to “learn things” about sexuality that don’t involve watching pornography. Pornography is some of the worst sexual education you can get. The only thing your husband is learning is how to fantasize about other women.
I highly recommend you speak to a trusted friend or counselor about this face-to-face. I don’t want to see you hurt in this marriage by his porn use. You need some good, wise counsel from someone who knows you and can speak to your situation. Your husband does need to stop what he is doing, but that will take effort on his part.
my ex didnt just look at porn he spent thousands of dollars on it then when i would leave it would get worse he started sleeping with guys and girls it didnt matter, I was appauled one night we brought a friend home who was to drunk to drive, I woke-up to this noise like a suction noise i look and theres the friend we gave a place to stay giving head to my so called husband, It didnt end there i couldnt bring a friend home or he was all over her. He would get stoned and tell me things like i jerked off in that ash tray you cleaned and would say it turned him on to watch me clean it… I got sick my so called best friend started sleeping with him for two years this went on for till one night i got the truth dont ask me how lets just say she went home and her husband called me the next day asking how she got two black eyes and was beaten up… This is just part of my story it got way worse than this
Sonya, I am so, so sorry you were so mistreated in this relationship–I’m happy to hear this person is your ex now. I think many women find themselves in similar situations; thank you for sharing your story and your words of hope that you CAN put a terrible situation like this behind you. It sounds like a very traumatic experience and I’m wondering if you have been able to find help in the recovery process? Peace to you, Kay
I’ll be honest…I no longer know what I am meant to think of this all.
Yes, I realise most men look at porn, but it is something I have never been comfortable with. Am I to accept that all men do? Part of me feels I have to.
My fiancee/ex…at the moment I don’t know what we are we were together for 14 years, after the first 3 I discovered he had an addiction, but randomly started downloading things without even viewing half of them. As a result it became non-specific and he ended up downloading massive folders of mixed porn (regrettably and I do believe this, a minority of them that he wasn’t into) led to a short jail term sentence, considering the amount of content. I’m not going to go in to the reasons I believe that he is not a risk, but I know anything he’s seen since doesn’t relate to this at all.
The issue is that he only told me in the first place because he had to and although he’s sought help, he still hasn’t stopped and still only tells me when I force him to, although he is slightly better.
It made me feel awful, I hated being the therapist, having to stay calm when I was upset about it and feeling like I was being compared to other women. We didn’t have many sexual issues as such…sometimes it would be hard for him to get an erection if he had been…ahem…erect a few seconds before….so I dunno that might count.
I dunno if this is every going to change…I wish that it would…it is the main issue in our relationship…I’ve personally lost interest in having sex with him, I don’t know if that’s because things fizzled a bit or because when I found out about it I felt slightly disgusted…although in all honesty after putting up with it for 10 years I started looking at other men and cheated on him towards the end of the relationship (the last 2 months). The guy made me feel attractive and special, but I think it’s just something that I needed…I don’t know…I really don’t know if I should go back to him or not. He really is wonderful with the exception of this…I love him (and yes I realise people may not believe this after the comment about having cheated, but I do). However, I’m scared of being with him because what if this all stays the same permanently???
Every time I find he’s done this and then lied to me, I feel betrayed…over and over…maybe that’s why the cheating didn’t feel terrible because it felt like it was a drop in the ocean comparing to what I’d done and that person did make me feel pretty awesome (although that person was me looking for something in someone that didn’t exist).
Hi Lisa,
Yes, many men look at porn, but no, you do not have to put up with it. We all have our faults, and when it comes to relationships, forgiveness is a must as a part of daily life. But of equal importance is trust. You need to be able to trust him if you are going to continue being with him.
He may be wonderful in many other ways, but you need to ask yourself, “If this continues on, or if it gets worse, would I be willing to stick this out?” For your sake, I hope the answer is no. For his sake as well. Granted, this is only my opinion, but I think more men should know what it’s like to feel the sting of losing out on a good relationship because they chose to pleasure themselves in front of pixels on a screen. They need to know that’s the tradeoff: they are losing something real to something selfish and fake.
You might want to get this free e-book. It might relate some to your situation.
My partner and I have almost been together 7 years. I love him soo much but the porn is just wearing me down. I noticed soon into the relationship but just thought it was normal we used to watch it together even. Then he started doing it more often and in private and lying about it even though I would notice certain behaviours. I would wait in bed for him wondering what was taking him so long and would go out to find him only to see him click something off the computer very quickly and then lie until I got it out of him. Its happened many times waiting and catching him out. He created a guest account which I didn’t know about and when I found it, it was FULL of only porn any gadget he has with internet access is used for that. Every time I try and explain I feel horrible and it feels like he doesn’t want me anymore he used to say what I needed to hear and I’d get over it until next time. Now he doesn’t even try anymore. It used to happen every couple of months now we’ve had the same issue about 5 times in a month he tells me he wont it means nothing “all guys do it” or “I always have”. He lies every time even if I catch him in the act he’ll lie and that hurts also because I’m not stupid. I just feel like we are getting nowhere I cant stop crying, I can barley concentrate at work . I want to be with him I just cant handle this anymore.
This kind of thing can really wear a person down, for sure. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.
It sounds like he’s dragging his feet on this, and he can always claim, “You knew this about me. I’m not the one who’s changed. You have.” In this respect, he is partially right. The real question, however, isn’t whether he’s “always done it,” but whether he should. It is obviously distracting him from intimacy with you. It is obviously steeling his attention and devotion. And because this is a habitual thing, he’s literally rewiring his brain when it comes to sexuality.
First, I recommend you follow the advice in these posts Ella wrote. She has some great things to say and some steps for you to take.
Second, please, please find some support for yourself: talk to someone about this. Find a supportive friend, a counselor, a local pastor: someone who will help you to think clearly and reaffirm your need to take a stand against this behavior.
I’ve been married for 8 months now, but lived with him for almost for 4 yrs and I can say it’s been hell. I was molested when I was a kid and a rape victim when I was 16yrs of age and I have been battling with his porn addiction for a long time, false promises, the lies and not forget to mention the sexless marriage we live. I have rage against him and many times I’ve gone violent with him, because I want to hurt him so bad and God forgive me, but at this point I believe is worthless. I don’t love him anymore for all the mental anguish he has put me through, I don’t see him as an individual anymore, but as a pedophile or perverted being I hate porn I think is damaging not only for these people but it damages other’s self esteem and self worth.