My first exposure to pornography happened when I was six years old. It happened on the playground. I can still remember the image to this day. That image hijacked my naïve six-year-old mind and was the impetus that gradually shaped a life of addiction, isolation, and duplicity.
Seasons of sobriety were outweighed by seasons of a more progressive form of porn addiction, and with it increased isolation and duplicity. Being a pastor’s kid didn’t help my situation either. Too ashamed to talk about my struggles with anyone, especially my dad, I was left alone to fight my battles. I felt completely isolated.
The Downward Spiral of Porn
This struggle continued all through my childhood and into my adulthood. In fact, this secret addiction eventually spilled over into my marriage. My wife had caught me looking at porn on several occasions. Fearful of what she would do, I promised that I would never look at porn again, only to be overcome with my craving for harder and grosser forms of pornography.
Five years into our marriage, images on a screen no longer satisfied me. Succumbing to my lust, I eventually sought out another woman. I contacted a lady selling her “services” on Craigslist and with $100 fulfilled the porn fantasies that brewed in my mind for decades.
Years of shame and years of struggling alone, with no one to talk to, finally became too overwhelming. I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life and had, at last, recognized my depravity. I needed help.
It was in this very pain and spiritual decadence that God met me. His truth, mercy and grace, along with the love of my family (especially from my wife) became the very thing God used to restore my marriage and purity, ultimately setting me, and my family, on a path to see others set free from porn and its devastating effects. As a result, Porn Scar was created.
Porn Scar: Setting Men and Women Free
Porn Scar’s main mission is:
- To awaken the Church about the ‘pornification’ of the society it’s called to restore.
- To educate the public about the harms of porn and its culture.
- To encourage and equip people to “Get Free, Stay Free and Free Others.”
One of the main ways we act out our mission is through conversation. When someone talks about how porn affected them God uses it to bring genuine freedom to others. One person’s victory has the potential to become another’s victory. Porn Scar believes that through honest and vulnerable conversation with others we create a safe environment for our listeners to come into God’s light for themselves. We believe that letting people in our own lives, through candid and vulnerable conversation, is a critical key that unlocks others to open up and receive God’s truth that sets them on the path of freedom.
Married to his wife Heather for 9 years and father of 5 children, Richie Cruz has a passion to see individuals and even entire cities be freed from pornography and its effects. He founded his organization Porn Scar with its mission to educate the public about the harms of pornography and equip individuals with solutions that help them “Get Free, Stay Free, and Free Others.” Richie believes that “every scar has a story” and that freedom can come to others by sharing them.
I blocked Vimeo.com because it has too much erotic content
It’s funny because I blocked YouTube and can only watch certain offerings on Vimeo.
Thank you for sharing I also am addicted to porn this will help me get free from porn God bless
Thank you Mr. Cruz. I too have had a lifelong battle with porn, starting much like yours (mine was a discarded Penthouse at a construction site). My time in the military made my problem much worse, as porn was almost encouraged. Looking back, I feel like that first experience was pure poison for a 10 year old mind, as before that I had never given sex much thought (too busy skateboarding!) Anyway, thank you and the rest of the contributors for encouraging me to heal.
1 day at a time. It’s about making decision. Remember you make a choice. U can do it.
Thanks Mike
Hi, for Mr it started when I was 10 or 11 my neighbour who was a couple of years older than me out of the blue gave me a couple of porn mags and here I am 52 trying to fight this lust. Thanks for putting this stuff together, don’t know if I’ll win this time but I’m determined to keep trying
Sir, please keep on trying.
Pay no attention what tomorrow will bring. Focus on today. Everyday!
It’s kinda like tightroping, don’t be distracted by surroundings, focus on every step, at once!
Let’s fight!
Hey Mick God bless you, brother I hope your fight against list is prevailing. At the moment I’m facing my own battle against lust as well. We all are in this together, and by Gods grace we will prevail if we hang onto God and submit ourselves into the fathers caring and loving hands. Because in him we are conquerors and can defeat lust, with the grace and power Gods already given us. Be blessed brother, your a conqueror and child of God! Gods got you!
Romans 8:31-39
“What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:31-39 KJV
http://bible.com/1/rom.8.31-39.kjv
1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind and God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
Brother Mick. If you have the Bible App by You Version, please check out the devotional plan ‘Overcoming Porn’. It’s a 40 day plan, but it is well worth it. I just started about a week ago and it’s absolutely great so far. It offers great, practical ways to help us fight this addiction.
Love you, brother! God Bless!
Hi Mick! We the sons of God are in this together. God is our hope, he never wants us to give up, no matter how many times, even if you gave up just now. Please have an accountability partner and download covenanteyes software, where that person can monitor you. For me it is my wife who does it, probably for many this might be not a wise choice, but choose your partner no matter what, it can also be another person who is struggling a lot. God is with us, be with you. In Christ alone, Isaac
I understand , I’m 45 years old found porn mags when I was in first grade and always found ways to get more ( swimsuit mags , Victoria secrets , etc ) and been into it very heavily last 20 years , internet hasn’t helped at all , tried to quit many times before , maybe I’d quit for a few days or even a week , today’s it’s my new record 8 days , I feel I’m ready and this program is really helping , need accountability partners to help , alone it wasn’t working , we all want to do the right thing it’s just hard , find a friend ( which is hard to discuss this subject with friends ) but it helps , acountabilty accountability we can all do this , Mick I hope you are doing well , old dogs can learn new things , love all of ya
An important step after recognizing the addiction is to keep trying to overcome it. You show bravery. You may or may not overcome this addiction (my hope is you will) but much can be said for your courage to try.
I am sorry about addiction Mick, I hope you get through this, always remember we are in this together.
Stopping Porn is not just like saying “I am never going to watch porn”, because watching porn is an everyday choice so everyday it is better to say “I am not going to watch porn today”.
Don’t worry about tomorrow we are not there yet. When you feel you are getting triggered to watch porn shout The Name “JESUS” out loud because in the BIBLE that call upon The Name Of THE LORD and be saved (Romans 10:13)
Thank you very much for your testimony!
Awesome thank you for sharing that. And yes I blocked Youtube too. And please pray on my quest for sobriety! And God can and wants to free us. Let’s turn to Him in it.
Hi, i don’t remember how it all started, i just know that it got too much for me now, i don’t want to stay attached to porn, but o could at most last 3 days without it with much effort, every time i start over i get tempted numerous times until i finally end up giving in on the night of the third day.
Thank you for sharing your story. Pornography has been apart of my life for 7 years now and I’m tired of being in this prison. I’m still trying to find a way out
Hi, Mr. Cruz, this very powerful. I have been battling porn for all my life. I believe it’s my biggest concern today. I never wanted to be in this type of situation. Even when I was fully sold out for God, porn was and still my enemy. I am now back with God, and doing more to get rid of this issue with the help of Almighty God. I need the testimony, and help in a mighty way. Been telling you this I am asking for God and you to pray for my strength to stand.
Thank you for your honesty, which has now become a way of life for you. For me, my porn addiction went high speed as soon as the internet did. Suddenly I had access to anything I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I completely gave in to the addiction, and tried as well as I could to not feel bad about myself. My mood swings were terrible, and I was an emotional wreck. I went into sudden rages, which eventually cost me my job! The day I got fired was the worst day of my life but also the best because it was the turning point where I finally got honest and sought help.
I don’t know where to start. My addiction to porn has been there since I was a little kid. Going on for decades. I just want this to stop now. Figuring out a way to just be away from it. Even if I try to stop it comes back. Now I feel that this needs to go away.
Hello, Frank – I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling for so long. And, it sounds like you’ve done it in secret, alone. We never win those secret battles. Here are some practical things that might help, since I’m not sure what you’ve tried in the past (probably a lit of things): https://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/04/23/how-to-quit-porn-6-essential-steps/
Peace to you, Chris
I have been addicted to porn for about 7-8 years of my life, I only realized this now and it is kind of ruining my every thought. I want to marry my girlfriend within the next 2 – 3 years and I can’t afford to have this as an issue when I am married.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope.
Anton and Frank; I cannot stress enough how important it is to find an accountability partner, a sex therapist, and buy an online porn blocker such as Covenant Eyes or XWatch. You absolutely MUST get this problem out in the open. Secrecy is your biggest hurdle in overcoming this battle. I have fought and lost this war for more than 40 years. Only recently have I taken the above advice and so far it has worked wonders. Still, you have to fill your mind with scripture and be ready to resist the devil with God’s ammunition. You can do it!
Thank you Jerry, needed to hear that. Much love brother! We are transformed by the renewing of our mind.
I Agree! For me the ADDITION of daily scripture is really keeping me FOCUSED on God. I even downloaded an Audio Bible App “AUDIO” You can listen to a dramatized version of the Bible you can plug it into your car audio system also
Remember you need positive personal contact 3 X daily. If you’re lucky enough to have Huggers in your life, that is best. (Side hugs for kids teens or anyone you feel tempted) I’ve found even squeezing or patting someone’s shoulder can be Therapeutic for you & the person you reach out to a
I’ve been looking this for years and it just gets worse and worse and I’m so tired of it. I want to be who everyone thinks I am. I’m 2 days clean right now, and tomorrow is going to be 3. I’m really struggling with telling my wife of 6 years. With whom I have 2 children who I do not want to let down.
Shane, it’s been almost a month since your post, but if you haven’t yet, I recommend that you tell your wife. I was lost in addiction to porn for decades. I kept it secret throughout that time even into 10 years of marriage. Telling my wife was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the best. Confessing my problem to her released the years of shame and guilt that I was carrying. I wept bitterly as I explained my addiction and I knew that it was crushing for her to hear, but I could feel the Holy Spirit flood into the darkest part of my life. Your wife will need to be able to process the truth, and the anger and other emotions that come with it and while she does you need to be as humble as dirt. Get support as you start your journey. Talk to your Pastor. You need to meet with others that not only want to be clean but that are staying clean. Christ died to give us freedom from our sin. We don’t have to go back.
4 years later and I am still walking in freedom thanks to the grace of our amazing savior! My marriage is stronger than it ever could have been while I was looking at porn, and my wife and I have become a team helping others sort through this terribly destructive problem.
Stay Strong
Please tell your wife. As in Richie’s story, my marriage is better than ever since my husband’s addiction has been brought into the light. The enemy comes to destroy and you make it easier by keeping things in the dark. Our God is an amazing healer. Without Him, I would have walked away but get ready for what He will do for you and your wife. The enemy would leave you alone if you didn’t have an amazing destiny ahead. Once you conquer this (and you will in time), you are going to do something amazing for God, I know it!
Hi, am Ike from Ghana. I’ve also been into pprn & masturbation for a little above a decade. The last i watched was just yesterday but I’ve spoken to a couple of people who are helping me overcome this thing.
I’ve also subscribed to covenant eyes but my loaction and kind of phone am using does not help me to get full acces.
I still remember my first time I chanced on porn. Still feels like yesterday.
There are couple of times you could go clean and you feel its over but you wouldn’t know what happens then this high pressure brings you back. But I want to be relentless in my persuit for purity.
I believe strongly its going to work this time.
Thanks to you guys for sharing your story.
I’ll get there!!
Richie, we just had a study on the end of the Chapter 3 of Ephesians. We shared about how the Lord is made perfect in our weakness, how when we confess of sins God is able to be glorified by allowing us to be made perfect but only through our weaknesses whether it’s confession and even seeking prayer to other believers. And its so true we will always be weak and when we feel weak it’s because we are, when we will feel hard pressed it’s because we are, when we feel struck down it’s because we are. Yet, never destroyed never abandoned and never crushed. The joy of the Lord is my strength yet in my weakness He is made strong. Joy is strength and through my weakness I can glorify Him because of His strength.
Thank you Lord for the ministry you have given Richie and thank you Richie for allowing the Lord to teach and guide others on how the Lord is teaching and guiding you
Wow, how easy it was for you! You are married, able to HAVE SEX with someone that loves you and thankfully supports you.
You had access to prostitutes and was able to express those physical and chemical urges.
So of course with the help of people around you, and with your wife still able to express those physical and chemical urges you were able to receive your freedom via God’s love.
I am happy for you, but I am alone in dealing with this addiction and shame. I know that God wants to free me of this sin and has forgiven me of all the others. However, I am still making poor choices, going back to it time and time again. I don’t have anyone, no prostitute to even temporary releive me of the physical and chemical urges.
I am a lowly sinner. I know and believe that God will help free me of this addiction eventually. But until then how do I distract myself and ignore the physical/chemical dependencies forming this addiction? I try to be obedient, even block myself from accessing the porn sites, but I am still alone. I seek help from others voicing my shame and have an accountability partner. Yet, I am still alone no wife. Even if God blesses me with a wife. I want to be free of this addiction before that.
Check out Dr Doug Weiss Heart to Heart ministries. They will put you in touch with a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. It is an incredible program!
I too have and do struggle with this issue. With God’s grace and love I have found accountability, and blocked certain things on my phone and computer. Reading this segment puts me more at ease because I have had issues communicating to people I have an embarrassing addiction to porn. After reading and praying, I have more hope.
I too have been struggling with porn since age 9. My first experience sexually was about the same time and that went on for about a year. From that point on i was in a sexual relationship until i met my wife at age 15. I never really learned what love truly was. My porn addiction continued to spiral downhill, I dont know if it was from shame or trying to escape but I ended up on meth for many years. The drugs combined with my porn addiction led to worse and worse depravity. I wont go into everything here but these addictions eventually led to prison. Ive been out almost 9 years and have completely given up drugs. Porn on the other hand still continues to be a problem, while no where near to the degree it used to be, im scared that if i dont break this, it will get there again. Ive come back to the Lord and have been studying my Bible and was clean for a month however fell again tonight. I refuse to let satan win, I know that only through honesty, accountability, and foremost the Lord will I be able to win this 34 year battle once and blessedly for all. Please keep me in your prayers
Hi Bob,
The history you’ve recounted here sounds to me like you were a victim of child sexual abuse. It sounds to me like you need to find a good therapist who can help you process through that pain and all the pain you’ve suffered since.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have been doing porn since i was 8 i do not remeber how it started I hate though I feel isolated with no way out I am a pastors kid too Im scared
Hey Micah,
It’s unfortunately all too common these days for young kids to get into porn use accidentally, and then to find themselves trapped. As a parent myself, I always say that I wouldn’t let my kids walk down Bourbon Street by themselves, so I wouldn’t let them on the internet alone either. Unforunately, too many kids were left alone in a very dangerous setting. It sounds like that happened to you, and like most kids, you blame yourself.
Listen: early, accidental exposure is not your fault. I’m sorry that the adults in your life weren’t able to protect you from this. But you can get out and find your way to safety, I promise. And there is lots of help available. You don’t have to be alone.
I would say, find a safe adult to talk with about this. Hopefully your dad or your mom could be a safe person? If not, possibly a school counselor, a coach, or some other trustworthy adult? You can always try telling your parents that you’re struggling with some issues and would like to talk to a counselor, and then that counselor can help you approach your parents if you want. I would suggest a counselor who is not connected to your parent’s church, someone who is a licensed, qualified professional.
And if this is all too difficult to face as a minor, well, when you’re over 18 you can seek help for yourself without having to reveal it to your family. Of course I do think it’s best if you can approach your family, but I recognize that this is not always possible.
Please just know that you are not alone, and that there ARE safe people who will help you through.
Kay
I travel a similar path. Strip clubs had to have been followed by a prostitute or massage parlor. This is why I support efforts to curb human trafficking. I did go further and landed on sex with transgendered individuals. I am 10 years sober now.
Hello to all who reads these comments
My name is Tom and I have been struggling with porn for about 20-25 Years now. I have been to counseling off and on through the years till I meet this one that is a great professional counselor. Even though I have taken off google on my phone and had a friend that I can count on as an accountability person I had him change me passcode to me App Store so that I can’t get to google anymore. But I still have that struggle on my laptop on Microsoft internet. I don’t know how to put a lock on that to keep my wondering eyes from searching
Hi, Tom – it sounds like you’re taking good steps forward. If you can take a few more steps, then let’s get the laptop protected, too. Covenant Eyes can do that and since you already have an Accountability partner, you’re on your way. Is that a step you can take? You can sign-up for an individual account here.
I was a gay (I want to declare it over and over again). Yes I believe I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. However, I always ended up enjoying watching gay videos. I am handling a small group and I raise up these young people to grow in their Christian faith yet they don’t know the other side of me—living a life in sins. Many times I failed God. Many times I ask for forgiveness yet there will always be a day where I see myself returning to this destructive habit—watching porn. I am afraid to tell my leader about this. Huhuhu 😭
I am using the “private browser” whenever I search for porn videos leaving no trace of my activities and search histories and I think gave way for me to go on and watch porn comfortably.
There are times I feel strong in the Lord but eventually after being on-fire follows sins. 😭
Hi, JM – it’s a really rough cycle to be stuck in. I’ve felt that, too. You’re still using secrets to get away with this, and in the secret, sin always wins. ALWAYS! I think you know this. So, you can’t expect to ever break free while there are secrets. It’s honestly impossible. This blog post lays out some essentials for breaking free for good. I hope they are a help to you.
Regards,
Chris
Reading all these comments let me know that I’m not alone. My Heavenly Father knows all our pain from the time we started looking @ porn/the pain, secrets, shame we endure. It so humbling to see that I’m not the only one going threw this. Thank you all for your posting/comments because we are not in the battle alone. God Richley bless you Richie/ keep on sharing your story. I too, needed to read this and I’m now 2 weeks not looking at porn. I am A beliver in Christ, but I’ve been to long holding on to the lies of Satan. God bless you all/when tempted, remember to tell Satan and his demons in the name of the Almighty Jesus, get away from me!!!
You all are conquerors threw Christ which strengthen me…
I am going through this course again with a friend. I am attending a Celebrate Recovery meeting and a 180 Recovery video session and I’ve been free from porn for over a year.
Thank God!
WE GOT THIS BROTHERS! Stay strong. Hold the line. Wear your armor. Don’t do this alone.
Hi brother. My cousin was molested by a family friend when she was about 6 or 7 years old. She then would show me all the things she learned from her attacker which is where my interest and obsession with sex began. I would sneak peeks at dirty magazines and movies where ever I could find them, usually at a family member’s house. I would sneak peeks at magazines at the stores when I could get away with it. As I got older and was able to rent videos, I did that. This behavior went into my marriage. Having sex for the first time with my wife actually increased my desire for more sex now that I was able to have it. And the introduction of the internet added a whole new dimension. More videos and lots of erotic chats with the ladies took me down a darker path. Massage parlors and strip clubs and voyeurism became the norm. It just hit me one day I needed help. My wife has been amazingly supportive but my addiction is worse than ever. Thank You for your video. It gives me hope that one day I might be free from this nearly 40 year battle.
I am a sophomore in highschool and am coming up on my one year anniversary of this sexual prison… I want to get out. My girlfriend is my prayer warrior and I have bible studies with some good friends, but I find that the more people I surround myself with, the more ashamed and guilty I feel when I fall short and feel obligated to tell them. I’m having trouble finding my motivation:(
Bro, I totally feel you. Im a senior in High school, and I’ve been battling this for two years. Even after such a short time it has weeded its way to destroy relationships and it’s just so hard. Im SO GLAD that you have told your girlfriend about your struggles, and she can be fighting the battle with you. I know it’s hard when you want to keep up your reputation and/or not let anyone down. I’m a missionary kid living overseas, so I definitely understand that. But the thing is, people understand. They forgive. Grace is such an amazing word. “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” There are times when I feel even lower than a wretch, and for good reason. But God calls us out of that crap and pulls up up to his light. Hey, I’ll be praying for you.
Love you, my brother in Christ,
Evan
I don’t know how it started for me, other than maybe seeing some brief sex scene in a movie accidentally, and then curiosity and internet access got the best of me around 12 years old. From there, I learned all the wrong ways to view sex, and thus began a 11+ year struggle and hypocrisy, shame, including getting caught at 14, but no real reparations or accountability implemented, it went on. Personal devices with inter et access made it worse than ever with kinds of wickedness available, it screamed on. Finally I’m at the place where I’m getting help, have more drive and knowledge of Christ’s power to change my life day by day, and I plan to get more support and break down the walls of secrecy with some brothers in Christ. Please pray for that, Satan is throwing everything he’s got at me, but nothing can stop an unstoppable God. My hp comes from the Lord! So does yours, through His Word that is given often by how others live and speak into us! Carry on the fight and endure, soldiers of Christ!
Joshua,
Praise God that you are committed to fighting in this battle! How true it is that only Christ’s power can change us; and it sounds like he is working mightily in you. Keep up the good fight, friend!
Blessings,
Moriah
I think and think why I am attracted to porn; I am in happy marriage, have enough sex, but still looking at porn. What is it in me, I do not understand. My wife caught me and now wants a divorce. I confess to my pastor he pray for me and I am free but you switch on the TV and can see porn for free. I want to stay free and serve my Jesus that I love so much, and if my wife wants me back, I want to be happily married. Thanks Jesus for his love.
Hi George,
Praise God that you want to turn away from porn and be reunited with your wife! Unfortunately, porn is everywhere, so it may take intense accountability to overcome this habit. Might I suggest that if TV is a temptation for you, that you avoid it completely? I would also encourage you to use Covenant Eyes. Our software monitors your computers, tablets, and phones, with excellent accountability!
Keep up the good fight, friend. With God, anything is possible. You CAN overcome porn. I will be praying for you.
Blessings,
Moriah
Hi Richie,
I have a similar story. A friend showed me porn around 7 on a staticky TV screen and it was over from there. Downward spirals, never enough and getting dirtier and dirtier. It was effecting even my work life. God brought me a wife and now I’m learning to go to Him and her and not pursue empty lusts although I still have lingering thoughts from sowing to the flesh for 30 years. I pray that all of us here can break Free by the Holy Spirit’s power and we use the tools He’s given us.
Would love to talk with you about getting on board with spreading this message to others. Have been into porn since I was a young kid. Now am free and want to help others get free as well. Thank you for this article a game changer.
Hi Erick!
I will send you an email with information to get you started!
Moriah
Everyone has a struggle they’re going through. God is currently helping my end porns influence on my life.
I too have an addiction to porn. Through my life its been gradually getting worse. Then at age 40 i had a brain injury operation to remove the right hand side of my frontal lobe. It was as if the life filter that i lived by was removed. Before long i fell deep into porn and masterbating. Affecting my wife and taking precious time from my 3 children. I dont want this. And need to find hope. In todays society this is a difficult society to talk to anyone about.
Thanks for your comment! If you aren’t able to find anyone to talk to, I suggest checking out the Samson Society. God bless!
Keith