My name is Patricia Weerakoon, and I am a Christian sexologist. After 23 years in the University of Sydney, I retired from my academic position as director of a graduate program in sexual health to bring my twin passions together: God and Sex.
What better place to start than with sexual desire. Let’s look at a real life problem.
A letter from Harry, a 20-year-old single male: “I find it so hard to control my desires. I wish God would just take it away—at least till he sends me the girl I am to marry.”
What is sexual desire?
Sexual desire (sex drive, libido) is a testosterone fuelled drive deep in the emotional system of our brain. It is powered by a cocktail of neurochemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin). Sexual desire is a drive—an urge for sex. It is a fairly non-specific appetite, and we can appease it with a variety of sexual activities, from fantasy to intercourse and masturbation.
It kicks in at puberty. There’s no getting away from it. And, since the testosterone levels in boys are about ten times higher than girls, boys do have a higher sex drive.
This is the main reason Harry is all turned on: it’s biological.
In our teens and early twenties, we have a unique brain situation: bubbling sexuality with low control. This is because the cognitive decision making frontal and parietal cerebral cortex matures at a much slower rate than the emotional sexual parts of the brain. The control systems don’t complete till the mid-twenties. The teen brain is very much still under construction for adult life.
So 20-year-old Harry, like most other guys his age, struggles with this disjunction.
What turns our desire on?
Once testosterone sets the scene, the stimulus that turns on sexual desire varies from one individual to another. In the rapidly developing teen brain, stuff that is fed into it will determine what turns a person on sexually. The nerve cells at this age are in an active state of establishing connections, wiring and rewiring.
Pornography will set up Pornified circuits. In a young man it will lead to his seeing women as sexual commodities. Turned on by the super-sexualized images, his spiking desire will crave for the rapid and instant orgasmic high of masturbation. He has pushed down his still developing control mechanisms. A voluptuous body and the hint of lace lingerie send his desire chemicals raging. Maybe this is Harry?
Is it any wonder that the apostle Paul advises the Philippians (4:8): “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Harry would do well to follow this.
Why doesn’t God just ‘take it away’?
Sex and the sex drive (or desire) is part of our created body. In Genesis 1 and 2 we read that we humans are created male and female and together given the command to procreate and fill the earth. Procreation needs sexual intercourse. And sexual desire kicks off the sexual response of arousal and consummation.
We need sexual desire. God made it powerful for a purpose. Sexual desire will make Harry look for a woman whom he could marry in that wonderful one-flesh-naked-and-no-shame relationship (Genesis 2:24-25).
But sex comes with a handle-with-care warning. We are warned repeatedly by the lover in the Song of Songs (2:7; 3:5; 8:4), “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Watch out, she says, there is an appropriate time, place, and person. Harry needs to learn to control his sexual impulses till the appropriate time and place—marriage.
Marriage is the place for sexual intimacy. But we need to realize that marriage is more than sex. Marriage will bring a male and female into a relationship of one-flesh sexual intimacy; but sex as every other part of marriage will have thrilling highs and deep frustrating lows. Every couple needs to watch out for the temptation to idolize sex and marriage.
Waiting for a ‘soul mate’
Finally, Harry seems to be waiting for God to send him that special person to marry. The Bible gives us a couple of conditions for finding a marriage partner. Make sure your spouse is a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14), of the opposite sex, and not a close relative.
Finding someone sexually attractive is one motivation to marry them. It shouldn’t be the only motivation—it should be coordinated with other desires, like wanting to care for them and bring up a family with them. But sexual desire is part of the “package” that motivates us to seek marriage in general, and marriage to one person in particular.
Today’s society is highly sexual, but postpones marriage. Puberty’s happening earlier and earlier, marriage later and later. So there’s this long time gap of feeling desire and not being able to consummate it in marriage.
God calls us to surrender our desires. It’s part of building Christian character and walking by the Spirit. We should view the challenge of managing our sexual desires as an opportunity to develop godly, healthy character and habits that please God and our good for us and the people around us: love God and neighbor.
Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/14511253@N04/4411497087
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Patricia Weerakoon is a medical doctor turned Sexologist and Writer. She is an evangelical Christian. She is married to Vasantha. Her son Kamal is a Presbyterian minister. As a Sexologist she has translated her passion to bring good holistic sexual health to all people into practical sex education, sex research and sex therapy.
What if the sexual desires is a male for other males? Why doesn’t God take that desire away? I know of a person and he hates it. And asks God to take it away. But God Doesn’t. Why? This person does not want to be this way. But it is so hard for him. He falls into temptation at times with masturbating with thoughts of other males. And after he is done he feels so disgusted with himself and like he is an evil sinner. He has told me he has never ever done sodomy. But he has done grinding with other men until climaxing with them. But he has not done that in a long time. He does not know what to do? He has cried out to God to be delivered from this. But so far he has not been. He is not into porn or anything like that either. I do not know what to tell him? Please help.
I won’t attempt to advise you about something for which I know very little, so I’ll focus on what I do know.
I am attracted to women. When I got married, God didn’t take away my attraction to other women. If left unguarded, that attraction turns to lust, and therefore sin.
If a man is attracted to men and is thus prone to lust after them, he would have to fight that temptation to lust just like any man fights a temptation to lust. To lust after a man or a woman is sin.
Keeping both the heterosexual and homosexual lust in view, the larger theological question might be rephrased this way: Why doesn’t God take away our lust? We aren’t told the reason for that in Scripture, but God in his wisdom has ordained that we walk in this life as new creation in old, fallen flesh. We all long for the day when our redemption will be complete (Romans 8). Then we will totally be free from the presence of sin.
More to the point of male-to-male attraction, there are a lot of questions that come with this. Who has your friend spoken to about this? Has he sought out counseling? Is he also attracted to women? Does he want to get married to a woman some day? I know several men have been sexually attracted to men and got married to a woman, even experiencing the temptation to lust after men from time to time as a married man, but are very happily married. What resources have you found on this issue?
Usually it’s a punishment. Use a concordance. It’s in the bible. Don’t walk after God run. Cling to what is right. God seeks perfection. Ever see a parent slap their kid to get them to behave. Well God punishes those he cares about. Up root every other sin and the gay will go away. It’s not easy your mind can easily be warped to where you think you were born that way. Or start that way then bounce you around back in forth without you even being able to perceive it. I’m not going to throw you ever bible verse on it because believing doesn’t come hand in hand that well with disobediance.
This is what i would say to your friend:
Dont listen to the people that say it is a punishment. Suffering in this world is not directly a consequence of God being angry or not caring. The only times I know God punish people, is by death sentence, some places in the bible. Are you alive? Well, then you still have many breaths to cry out to God for redemption, which He promise. “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13. But this must be of a pure heart. So if the pain full thing in your life (gay sexual desire) do not learn you to be drawn closer to Gods heart and love, then the pain is certainly not from the Fathers discipline.
As for your question, why does not God take it away? The best answer is indeed and truly this: I dont know! Dont let any other person tell you other wise, unnless it is The Lord himself. This issue is actually one in a huge category of questions as related to suffering. Why does not God heal me, while other times he does? Why is there evil? Why does God allow death? The bible actually calls the “death” an enemy of God, but still God allows it, and even uses it to some extent. Thats something to think about! However, my point is this: desire that is not from God, is a result of the fallen world we live in. God has promised to restore everything when He comes back, but while we wait for that, we will still struggle. The bible actually says “Put to death the desire of the body, and live by the spirit”. I am not saying it is hopeless, but what I am saying is that if we live by the spirit, we can be champions. Not neccesearly healed. So each day will be a struggle, and each day must become another daily victory. I strongly advice to not feel self-comdemned if you fail. Run to God, confess, and He will welcome you as you never sinned in the first place! “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 john 1:9
God is good. And he dealt with our struggling on the cross. That is; if you are born again christian, God looks at you as righthouss, even if you fall short. This is a spiritual truth. Perhaps your body is not alined itself with God, yet. But some day it will! Thank our God for the love he gives in Jesus, his son, instead of you going hiding in shame. Shame produce no fruit. Living inside Gods love produce fruit. Perhaps He will heal you! I will pray for it, but if not, stay faithfull to the cross!
I can actually relate to the question myself. I am not gay, but struggle with thoughts and sexual desire that is similar in nature, sometimes gay thoughts also come in. I know it is wrong, yet I fall weekly. What I do is: I thank God that this is not “The true me”, that I am a new person in Christ, and that God is faithfull, and that in the future He will help me to not go there again! Perhaps you fall next day again, or perhaps you fall next minute, but Gods love is still efficient. Repent! And thank Him for forgiveness. Jesus said to his diciples: “forgive 7 times each day for the same sin comitted towards you”. He did not say: “something is wrong with you if it happens seven times, i am so dissappointed. ”
Also remember, having sinful desires is not the same as not being born again. The bible actually says that if we are true Christians, we will still struggle. But the Key is that, the sinful desire is no longer who you are, Its not your true self. Your identity is now in Jesus, you are a Son of God! This is the truth! So start living by this truth, and the journey will be alot easier on you!
LUKE 1:37 NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. 1THESALONIANS 5:17 .PLEASE READ JOB 31:1 .KEEP ON TELLING GOD ABOUT IT ABD WAIT PATIENTLY ON TO HIM.HE HAS DONE IT BEFORE AND HE WILL DO IT FOR U TOO.
Is it Gods plan for me to keep struggling with sexual sin. I really need a answer. I been praying for God to remove this .I read the bible like every other day to get more rooted I bought books talked to some people. But why won’t God remove this if it’s a bad thing and Im literally crying out to Him.please help
John – maybe consider this. What if sexual sin isn’t the core problem? Maybe it’s lust. I might recommend a book like this: https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Not-Problem-Lust-Lust-Saturated/dp/1590525191
Hey, I know this can be really hard fo your friend, but this is probably a way on God testing him, to see if he will do it, because that’s what the devil wants you to do, and God definitely doesn’t want that life for him. Just pray to God and ask him to help you and he will. If you feel guilty about something, if you haven’t yet, ask him to give you a new life, and to forgive you for all that you have done. Hope this was helpful.
If you dont know the Son, you dont know the Father. In other words, if you dont know Jesus you dont know God. Like Jesus said “I am the Way, the Truth, the Life, no one gets to the Father except through Me.” If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you have not accepted God. People must understand that JESUS is the “bread of life” to us from God. You will know God better if you know Jesus for He is one with the Father and is God.
In His wisdom, the Eternal Almighty forgives our sin in justification which has an immediate effect but removes our sinful desires in sanctification over a period of time.
This is to deal with our arrogance, which is deep-rooted, and our pride that knows no bounds.
If you have been regenerated, granted repentance and are in possession of trust then He will complete the work He has begun in you. If you are just playing the religious card then your hypocrisy will be made manifest.
Evil spirit has a hold on him , It’s plain and simple man is made to be with a woman,no excuse for he knows what’s right and wrong ,
The bible says mortify the deeds of your body through the Holy SPIRIT. We must spend hours and hours of praying in the Holy Ghost paying the price to get so close to God JESUS CHRIST that we are drunk in GODS SPIRIT, SATURATED in GODS presence.How bad do we want to be delivered? Mattew 11:12 The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and the violent take it by force. The spiritual force is increased by prayer and fasting.You can take a break from fasting but we must non stop praying until deliverance come.The devil wants us to give up. Most churches don’t practice non stop prayer until deliverance comes to you or me.This is the deadliest weapon in the world.PRAY WITHOUT CEASING. LUKE 18:1 MEN MUST ALWAYS PRAY,AND NOT TO FAINT; BUT MOST CHURCHES DO ONE HOUR PRAYER MEETINGS AND TAKE OUR TITHES AND OFFERINGS AND SEND US HOME WOUNDED,HURTING AND NO POWER DELIVERANCE IN OUR LIVES. SO WE MUST GO TO GOD OUR SELF AND GET OUR OWN BLESSINGS AND DELIVERANCE IN OUR LIVES. DON’T DEPEND ON YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.FIGHT A GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH AND LAY HOLD ON ETERNAL LIFE. I WONT LET GO UNTIL I AM IN HEAVEN.FIGHT TO THE DEATH.GIVE GOD GLORY PRAISES AND HONOR.NEVER GIVE UP. WE CAN MAKE IT I BELIEVE GOD NO MATTER WHAT.
I’m a female who struggles with same sex attraction and sometimes what I can only describe as gender dysphoria.
I feel attraction to both sexes, but had times where it was totally lesbian.Ive grinded with males and females since childhood. As a Christian I hate this.
I’ve prayed to God more than.
What helps me, is to keep praying…not an anxious and panicking prayer.
The key is to understand God loves u no matter what, and will help u treat it like any other struggle.
Don’t put homosexuality, transgenderism or any other thing as an idol….thinking it is all that matters or worst than anything else one might call sin.
Focus on other things and began to re-read your brain.Accept the issues without fear and just ask God to help u see the roots and reasons for it being there.
Neuroplasticity is a thing, what u focus on you become.
Just learn to do it right, by getting to truly know God and yourself.
Because of free will. If God took away the temptation of sin, then how would we prove to be faithful leaders? For example, years ago I read a story where an infant fell of a changing table and died. In the comment section of the article, a person wrote something along the lines of, “This is all part of Gods plan.” That is so far from thr truth. It is not Gods plan for that infant to die, nor is it Gods plan for us to struggle with lust. However, because of free will, we have to live with the consequences of earthly life until our time on this planet ends. May God bless you all.
That is a Test of this life from God. If you are able to control it, your life will be blissful. If you can’t control it, your life will be ruined. All kind of desires we have now are for test. Too bad, too many had failed miserably. Thanks to Jesus Christ, He is the assurance for us to go to heaven even we are sinners. Amen
l want to stop my strong sexual desire which is leading ne in commiting adultery
I’m a happily married man, with strong sexual desire, but my wife (past menopause) doesn’t want it. And her emotional condition won’t ever change about it. I have never been physically unfaithful. She is the only woman I have ever had sex with, but I am addicted to porn. It seems to be my only outlet. What should I do?
Hunter….. i too am in that boat.my wife is post menapausal as well. What i found that works for me is i tend to make my pleas for sex a joking laughing sensless come on to kinda test the waters . I too am/was addicted to.porn but have found it is like a weak drug. The more you view the more you want and the release you get seems weak so it tends to lead to other things —- an afair (s)—. I will.pray that God guide and helpe. For i have googled this matter in so many ways and is how i found this site and your post. I believe God wanted me (us ) to know we are not alone. Here is my email account nascar88rox@yahoo.com please feel free to email me if you need a prayer partner. As i said i too feel what you are saying and hope you recieve this…
Heavenly Father i come before you in the name.of Jesus and ask forgivness of my sins so that this prayer may be lifted up to your ears. I lift up Hunyer to you Father for you know what his heart desires and what he struggles with. I pray that you intervene on Hunters behalf and aet him free of this bondage with pornaugraphy Father. I ptay you ease his mind, soothe his soul and comfort his heart for You Father ate a God of love alow to anger full.of mercy and grace and it is these things i call upon that you help Hunter to over. In Jesus name i pray.Amen.
Hunter please email me if ever you need someone to talk with. I find having someone to speak with always helps.
May God bless you.
PLEASE READ JOB 31:1 .ARE U AWARE U CAN TALK TO THE EYE AND HEAR U?.SO MAKE A COVENANT WITH YOUR EYE NOT TO LOOK AT PONOGRAFIC MATERIALS AND U WILL SEE A CHANGE BY THE GRACE OF GOD. ALWAYS LET THE WORD OF GOD BE A LAMP TO YOIR FEET AND ALIGHT TO YOUR PATH THAT WOULD GUIDE YOUR DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES. STAY BLESSED
I have also asked myself this question “why doesn’t God simply take away my sexual desires until I find the person that is right for me?”
I am a 21-year-old Christian girl who truly wants to remain pure until marriage. I have not had any relationships til now either. I also do not watch porn nor because i know it will defile my character and drive me far from God. But goodness it is hard to not fall into temptation or at least to refrain my thoughts and fanatasies! The more i try to turn the ‘fire’ off, the more i want it!
I am convinced however that the only way to not give in is keeping myself close to God and reinforcing my relationship with Him
Well, our sexuality is a vital part of who we are. Turning it off would be like turning off our sight!
I think you’re right, that a life of “yes” to God, “yes” to healthy relationships, “yes” to all sorts of life-affirming and fulfilling work and hobbies–that’s the way to channel that energy and drive, rather than a life of “no.” When you spend all your time saying “no” to a part of yourself, that’s when you get in a mess. Which is, I think, why porn is such a problem in the church. We have no idea how to deal with our sexuality in healthy ways! Good luck, trailblazer!!
both physical as well as mental maturity is needed to step forward for marriage. i do the same thing to eliminate and overpower temptation which usually comes. indeed this urge is a great blessing from our lord if used in a right way.
Hi. I am a 45 year old mom of four girls ages 23 16 15 and 13. As a little girl I had one true passion. Get married have babies. I fantasized that it would be perfect and even little problems would be handled in a God like manner. And that the enemy could be easily brushed off w a quick I rebuke you satan My oldest daughter is from my first marriage. And my other three from my second marriage. So many things take place in our lives. And we need to take those things into consideration. For example. My father sexual molested my older sister and upon learning this I feel my attraction started to shift to women. I still thought boys were handsome and wanted to marry one But sexually I felt more attracted to females. I adored my older sister. Wen our family became born again Christians my sister said that our father had changed and was no longer a sexual threat. But he was still very inappropriate around me. As I got older I experimented with all these feelings. After my first divorce I became sexually promiscuous. My second husband and I had our three children My oldest lived w us. I’m trying to keep this short. Or we’d be here for 45 years We found out that after church on Sunday’s my father was sexually molesting our daughters. And he eventually commuted suicide. I never dreamt I’d ever be able to even think about sex again. This tragedy was the most and still remains the most difficult challenge I face. Still after a few years my husband and I were not doing well financially and I fell away from God and started to do anything I could for money. I did not trust God. Because I did not trust fathers. Eventually my husband and I stopped going to church because everything reminded us of what happened to the girls. And my family was just torn apart. Mom sister all of us. My husband n I opened our marriage. Went to sex parties. It got ugly. We split up and I fell in love w and dated a man for three years. My kids were miserable. My husband was miserable We never got divorced. And he moved away Still able to see the girls. But not in our home. After that relationship failed I started taking the girls to the church I attend now. But I met a guy. We didn’t love eachother. And the sex wasn’t good. We just needed eachother. And so he moved in and we started doing things we aught not to make money. All the while. My sexual desires became twisted more n more. I started to feel hopeless. I was masturbating out of frustration. I cheated on my boyfriend and had unfulfilling sex w other men. I became addicted to sex. Even though I only physically enjoyed it maybe one or two times. I knew full well I was sinning but justified it through my pain. Oh I said. God understands. Or. I’ll find the right guy and he will change my life and things will get better. We will go to church my sexual addiction and all of these thoughts and desires will just go away. But that’s not what happened. Mind you. The many details I’m leaving out are important and my situation worsened with every bad decision. But I did cry out for help through it all. And there were times I felt the relief only the Holy Spirit could produce. Other times it just felt like I was living from failure to failure. Now for the good stuff. At the end of my 44 th year. And so many Way too numerous horrifying and treturous events that took place almost constantly through my life. God put His divine arm down between me and sin. And said stop. I made my choice. Was filled to the top n overflowing w the Holy Spirit and it has been a roller coaster of learning about God. His love my faithfulness and obedience. Deliverance. Fasting Hearing His voice. Which by the way is only good. So nothing bad is from Him. And learning to get alone with God everyday. Relating with Eachother. Ok. I still struggle. With many things. Forgiveness. Anger. Attitude. Feeling like I’m always right. And yes sexual desires. But I will say this. God is amazing. He hears our cries. And wen we get washed by the blood of the lamb after failing here and there always meaning to change with our whole heart. Putting Him first in your day. Staying busy. Active. Submitting ur mind and body to His will. You will start to notice that your cravings for all things unrighteous will start to fade away. Your desires for Christ line behavior will start to outshine the darkness. You are young and have many years ahead. Give all your worries to God. And be still. Listen He will direct you out of harms way. If you miss the mark. Go get washed in Jesus precious cleansing blood. Then go boldly before your perfect father and say. Here I am. Ready to keep running the good race. Keep praying for deliverance And just spend as much time as you can in prayer and worship. In the bible it says. Pray without ceasing. Trust this 45 newly delivered born again still struggling women with 4 daughters. You will overcome through Christ. If you want more details. Email me. Chermosko@gmail.com. I’d be more than happy to give you some of the details that truely make up my story Hope this helps. I know all of our stories vary. But mine felt. And even now sometimes feels hopeless. But. It feels that way less and less and less To God alone be the glory
I tell you what we do in Islam; it might work for you if you can try;
1- Lower your gaze. Don’t look at things that arouse you. Like men etc. keep your eyes to the ground when you walk in the city.
2- Fast. Do Islamic to fasting that will kill all you sexual desires. This is the kill button.
Those are Islamic remedy for sexual desires. But if you really want permenant solusion; I suggest you merry.
Hey Caro I also had the same struggle about asking God to take the sexual drive away that comes with the fire. There is nothing wrong with having sexual desires because after all God created us as sexual beings, 100% flesh and 100% spirit. But the problem comes when we act on the desires in a wrong way, the fire is meant to purify but the same fire that can warm up your house in winter can burn the whole forest in summer and now the problem becomes where the placement of the fire, as long as you are single let Jesus contain those desires, dont Ignore them like they dont exist, tell Jesus about them, lay them down and ask his wisdom on how to act upon such and what to do, the best way is to read his word but before that Identify factors that might be stimulating the sexual drive and work on eliminating those, for me I know its Movies-not too wordly but with few kissing and sexual scenes, Conversations with Non-believers and now I made convenant with my eyes and mouth on what I allow in. Just think about this even when you are married the drive will be there and maybe your hudband is not around, will you ask God to take the desire away until He arrives, we aint robots and that is why the fruit of Self control is essencial now so that even in marriage you know how to control your Sexual desires. Love you sis xxx
Sum of the article is essentially is – Harry needs to control himself. What kind of advise is it?
Well, it’s a start, for sure. Self-control is a virtue Christians need to grow in. I think the article gives a nice introduction to the subject. If you want a good “next step” to this, I recommend reading something on our blog that talks about how to do this (not just a “why” article as this one is).
This one might be of help: “The Apostle Paul’s Secret to Fighting Sexual Sin.”
AL WE ND2 DO IN DS SINFUL WORLD IS TO HOLD GOD STRONG.IF POSSIBLE,GO IN2 A CONVENANT OF PURITY WT HM.I TEL U,U WON’T REGRET
I have been getting very much close to God recently, therefore satan has been using my biggest weakness to attempt to draw me to the left and to the right with strong sexual desires, I get aroused so much more easily, what iveIt learned is that you resist until God comes and snatches it from your heart….then you become stronger than before ” For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” eph 2:8 we live under grace not law! fighting temptation is a struggle, but God will honor you, we all have fallen. Blessed is the man who endures all temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
I really wanna stop having sex badly, want to serve God but am finding it difficult. I have tired to resist the guys around me to prevent it Duno wat to do. Need advice bcos I know on my own I can’t do ir
Hey Alexis. I’m glad you’re reaching out for help. I hope I can give you some ideas.
Here’s how we work on problems like this.
Step One: block the behavior. So that would mean, don’t go to the places where you meet these guys. Instead, go to other places that are healthy for you. SAA might be a good, healthy place for you to put yourself. If you’re using apps that get you into places you don’t want to be, I’d suggest giving your smart phone to a friend to keep for you, and going back to an old “dumb phone” for a while.
Step Two: work on the underlying pain. SAA will probably help you face up to some of that, but you might also do well to find a personal counselor in your area who can help you process why this behavior, that you dislike, is so important to you. If you have ever been a victim of domestic violence or other crimes, you may find good resourcing for yourself through a local women’s shelter or family advocacy center.
It sounds to me like you might be using sex to self-medicate in some way, to block pain out for a while. When you work on healing that pain, and getting healthy, supportive people around you in groups and counseling, you might not need the troubling behavior quite so much.
Blessings Kay
Have you found a community of women to talk to this to? That would really beneficial to bring it to the light and have others encourage you to walk forward in holiness.
Matthew 24:12 talks about he that endures to the end so prepare to endure sexual drive fueled by demons.;->
ask for God’s grace &mercy.i pray for God’s grace to publish this book am writing titled”POWER TO OVERCOME PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION”
An addicted person with an compulsive desire to experience sex as if the most sweetest earthly pleasure, like a dry man in desert panting for cool waters. This is also my condition even though at present I am trying to live a Christian life. Carnal passions rippled through my being ever since as a child, maybe some of it we inherit from our own parents and grandparents genetically. Right from ages 5 to even right after my teens, I found myself always being molested by various people, cousins, uncles, relatives and even unknown strangers. From ages 12 onwards I was a compulsive sex stimulant seeker by way of juicy amorous literature, I would do anything to get it, even beg from the vendor if I had less money. Then, came cinemas, and later afterwards in life, came pictures and perverted videos, for which I would travel even miles by train or bus and walk and search along streets. Thus, I spoiled all my educative life, and now, living a below-average financial life. I can understand the high intensity of the power of sex passion. Even though I dedicated myself to Christ, I still struggle. To a large extent, I could control myself after marriage, but after while (about 5 years or so), occasionally (once in 6 months), I drift to this past behaviour where I find myself with a deep inner hunger for a deep sexual stimulation. I am now past 50 years, but still struggle. Since a teenager I sought advice and help, counselling, etc, but no much avail. I got many advices, homeopathic medications, etc. I am asked to not to focus much on this behaviour, but to get involved in some selfless activities. This is God’s way of controlling one’s pride, I am forced to conclude now. So, I am typing this while I am in the midst of a similar attack of wanting this so badly, no matter the source. I hope as I express myself here, my desires may become a bit less, as I have had no real friends or any social life to interact with since 12 years, ever since I got married and left everyone in my homeland to a far-off unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.
Hi Leslie. If you suffered sexual abuse as a child, that was not the result of your carnal passions. That was the result of other people’s terrible choices. The story that you’ve shared here of abuse, creating early sexualization is really common. It’s heart-breaking, but very normal for the awful experiences you endured. After so much trauma, I would expect you to continue to have difficulties like you’ve described. Your body was traumatized for many years, and that trauma continues to manifest itself in various ways. The isolation that you mention at the end of your comment is another difficulty in your particular situation. As a therapist, I am convinced that we get hurt in relationships, and we get healed in relationships. When we are hurting and unable to connect with healing relationships, that adds more pain to the situation and slows the healing process. I wonder if you could find a community online? Here is a link to resources for women to struggle with porn. You might also like to check into the online groups at xxxChurch. Blessings on your healing journey. Kay
I am married for last 19 yrs and have children. I am sexually very active but my wife has no interest. She was operated for overies removal and uterus some 5 yra back. I am very.much depreseed and unable to concentrate on my job or new projects. I do not want to do adultery or sin. What is God’s plan in my life. I am deprieved of any sexual activity. Please guide me.
Hello Varghese K.A., it is very difficult to be in a situation where there is a significant difference in the sexual drives between spouses. Can I offer a couple of thoughts?
First, how much have you talked about this with your spouse? Being very honest with her about how you’re feeling. Not just about the sex, but that the lack of intimacy is tough, and are there any options she might consider. Of course, saying all of this with much understanding towards her feelings and praying for the right opportunity to have the conversation.
Second, it sounds like you see sex as a “right” within your marriage. Ideally, it works in a mutual way, where spouses work together to make sure each other’s needs are met, but there are seasons where this does not happen. For many years, I bought into the lie that I am a sexual being, and therefore I am entitled to a certain amount of sex in marriage. Recently, a very wise counselor corrected this for me – instead, she told me that we are created to be spiritual beings, not sexual beings. Spiritual intimacy with the Holy Spirit provides far greater satisfaction. What if you focused more on the spiritual instead of the sexual? I have prayed for you this morning.
Peace, Chris
Hello.
I apologise in advance, because I cannot guide you. Only God can do that. However, I can offer some perspective.
I am only aware of what you have mentioned above, and see nothing that indicates that you have spoken in depth to your wife about this, or that you have talked out loud to God, laying out every reason and detail and disappointment. Often God will make you realise the key problem and solution once you say the words out loud and hear them spoken with composure and coherence.
One thing I’d like to advise is to realise that God calls you to be honest, loving, understanding, patient, and all those wonderful qualities that are outlined as being the fruit of true, godly love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)).
Never underestimate the power of your wife to understand, or your capacity to be understanding of her situation. Is sex all about being red hot for one another? NO! It most certainly isn’t. Sex is an agreement between you and your spouse, it is an action to show love and compassion, to say ‘I am here for you, and I will listen to what you wish to say’.
Does she owe you sex? No, no she does not.
Do you owe her full complacency? No, you do not.
God does not call her to be your sex slave, or for you to be her doormat, but he calls you to LOVE her, and for her to RESPECT you.
Ephesians 5:
“Instructions for Christian Households
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
So love her, treat her with massages, hold her close when she seems upset, be gentle, and lastly show her how much you love her. Does she seem tired after doing the dishes, the washing, vacuuming, constantly solving the children’s problems? Yes? Then help her by doing some of the work, and she will RESPECT YOU FOR IT.
Make an effort also to know why her body isn’t up for it. If she is saying no, then please respect that!
Make an effort to understand precisely why she is saying no, and fix the problem.
I hope this helps you, and please, read through the 1 Corintians verses I mentioned, they will help massively.
May God provide you with clarity.
-Anon
This is only partially related to the topic, so forgive me if this deviates too much, but testosterone is not the only thing that makes people sexual. Estrogen does that in females, which is why having much less testosterone doesn’t make them any less sexual; it’s very common for females to talk about how attractive they think some males are, and there’s the problem a lot of couples have when the man in a marriage is not in the mood for sex as often as the woman. When women experience menopause, their libido gets weaker because of lower amounts of estrogen. They lose testosterone at a lower rate, which is why it’s unlikely that the more prominently male hormone is the sole source of sexual desire. http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/estrogen-plays-key-role-revving-women-sex-drives-study-article-1.1330163
@Eric Breaux thank you for the clarifying information.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate so bear with me. I bet others have thought this question too. I always hear about “wait until you are married to have sex” but my response is what if nobody wants to marry you? I guess you grow old and lonely and die a virgin? Sorry but God is not obligatated to give you a spouse just because you’re a lonely geek,nerd or unattractive guy/girl. I bet there where many Christians virgins who grew old and went to their graves a virgin and don’t forget there is no sex in heaven or marriage!
Dearest Lonely Virgin
Do you think that God doesn’t know you inside and out? He is aware of your hopes, dreams and desires (Psalm 123). Yes, a spouse or boyfriend/ girlfriend can bring you happiness, but only God can bring you true joy ( 2 Corinthians 6:10). I hope and pray you’ll find rest in the Lord, knowing that he has amazing plans for your life. I too am waiting for God to bring me a husband but while I wait I trust Him and do the work He set out for me. I’m praying for you.
if god wont take mine away i would hapilly go for castration to remove this evil from my ody..ive been suffering long enough for women abd girls..no matter how hard i try..i end up falling..i wish for a girlfriend but it would make things worse so im single..i want god to make me untouchable and pure against from adultery and sickly peverted thoughts..how???? im confused..il do castration mechanically by doctors to rid me of such filth i live with
Steve, when you say “no matter how hard I try,” what steps have you taken? Have you ever found accountability? Here’s a video to encourage you. God IS for you! Do not be afraid and claim victory, my friend! One day at a time.
Chris
Deliverance from sex demons is very helpful, but they will try to return
What are your supposed to do when you have social anxiety as a christian and extremely addicted to porn….and do it because your afraid from social anxiety to even meet a girl and dont even work due to it too… I’m suffering very badly with this….
Hi Jake, are you seeking any professional help for the anxiety?
Well, I’d recommend accountability don’t want to note the obvious, and if you have social anxiety it’ll have to be someone real close. Now I myself am an introvert, I really hate meeting new people, talking with people I really don’t know, or talking on the phone.
I especially don’t like talking to ladies, I feel uncomfortable so I’m probably in the same boat you are as far as that goes.
I’m not saying you have to develop an outgoing personality, that’s not what I’m saying at all, just find someone you trust to help you, perhaps your pastor, or just a close friend that is godly and tell them about your situation, a true Christian will help you.
It’ll take courage yes, but only the fearful can be courageous, those who don’t fear can’t be courageous, so pray, perhaps for extended periods 30m-1h and ask God to fill you with His Spirit. God bless.
Jake, you need deliverance. Find a deliverance minister and get some prayer. You are bound by the devil. You have a stronghold that needs prayer. Be blessed.
When I was 4-6 years old, I had discovered that physical touch stimulated my body. I continued to do this until I found a magazine. My little eyes bugged out of my head, soon I was hooked. Even though I was a virgin all the way up to age 17, I did have an opportunity to lose my virginity to another virgin. I’m not saying that was noble as we both weren’t married to each other. The whole relationship was teen hormone based. My severe addiction to porn then came out. I craved it more and more, but to no avail, I never slept with another girl until I was 18. Anytime I didn’t have a girl, I would turn back to pornography. After a debilitating heartbreak, I found something that would intensify my sexual cravings. Drugs and alcohol mixed with women and porn. I carried this into my marriage. I had found God at an early age. I knew he existed, I just didn’t have a relationship with him. However, I did suppress pornography, drugs, alcohol, and things that destroyed my body for a short while. I then got introduced back into pornography by a buddy. I did what was normal. I turned away. Then I looked back. Like a harsh wind that topples a tree, I was viciously excited. I thought I had it bad when I was addicted to drugs. Throughout my marriage, just after our 6th wedding anniversary, I acted out. Some people go through an instant high doing so. Mine was the complete opposite. Afterward, I went through a different kind of pain. So much so, I had contimplated suicide. Obviously, I’m alive. After seeking God and going through a life changing rebirth, I renewed my marriage to my wife and am a reborn christian, not to mention, now the most happiest I’ve ever been I try to outreach to struggling men. Just because we are(reborn)christian does NOT mean we will never be tempted. I fight daily. Some are struggles, others are victorious. “We are MORE THAN CONQUERERS…”(Romans 8:37) “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye have peace. In the world, ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” -Jesus of Nazareth, The Mighty Son of God. (John 16:33 KJV) Many blessings to all men who seek God. I pray for the sons and daughters will be called back to love and to the One who first loved. I love you brothers!! Fight this battle until you die, God will honor those who fight in his name. “3 For though we walk in the flesh , we do not war after the flesh: 4 (For the WEAPONS of our WARFARE are NOT carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; ) ( 2 Corinthians 10: 3-4)
Daniel, praise the God of restoration and redemption that you have turned back to Him. Your story matters! I hope it’s a light to many who are struggling. Peace, Chris (Covenant Eyes)
I am 74 married and have a habbit of masturbating sometimes several times a day I feel terrible after but can’t stop playing with myself.I was molested as a young boy by an uncle and an aunt at separate times.I am born again. This desire is terrible.this started some 20 years ago.
Hi Johnnie, I’m sorry you are struggling. I truly am. I don’t know much about your life, but I wonder how you might redirect some of this “energy” you have towards masturbating.
I also wonder about accountability and whether it’s something you’ve tried. I wonder if you’ve engaged prayer and Scripture into the battle, crying out to a God who has never left your side.
I wish I knew the reasons why God allows certain struggles to linger. His timing is stinking confusing sometimes, if I can be so bold to say it that way. I wonder what the struggle is teaching you? My struggles typically point to something “else.”
Have you received any professional counseling for what you dealt with as a child?
Just some questions and thoughts that come to mind as I’m reading and thinking about your post. God is for you, Johnnie. I sincerely hope (and will pray when I finish typing) that you will experience Him fresh.
Peace, Chris (Covenant Eyes)
It sometimes may appear that got does not answer us in our need t take away our temptations. We are warned by the apostles . We are also told to persevere and yes God himself will take away our tempting by providing a way of escape. So, escaping the clutches of satan, who himself knows the workings of this fleshly body , also knows us and what we are capable of for good and bad. But I am convinced , if I fall I must get up and persevere. We know sexual immorality is wrong. But God is faithful,yes even when we fall. You walk away from your old life so what are doing when fall. We know now Jesus and that he too went through the same temptations, so the bible tells us anyway. We are not struggling with flesh and blood but with principalities we don’t full comprehend. So I suppose what I am saying is this, resist, but lays get up confess and he is faithful and will forgive. Don’t get too caught up there are many other things we ought to be doing like adding goodness to your faith, then knowledge of God, self control, perseverance, mutual affection and then of course love. Apologies if I missed one . Do not let the evil one distract you from finishing the race. He is great at this. Do not let him, convince you to walk away. You are loved by God as much know as he as always love you,and he is not about to abandon you. If you believe satans lies then you do not believe good. Who is the author of lies, satan is. Who is the author of truth God is. Sorry if I’ve ranted on, oh yes my apologies for any grammar mistakes.
,
Much, much praise for this your site. Also, much praise for the love of God that so many have mentioned. God loves us so much. Each of us who have asked Him to come into our lives and to be with us, are, amidst the many struggles of many forms and sometimes puzzling circumstances, are ever so often reminded that He loves us. Of course many could give many verses to substantiate this, but I am, as so often driven back to that blessed verse that so many of us have, again, even amongst the struggles, turned to, John 3:16, “For God LOVED the world so much that He gave His only son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.” (John 3:16). WOW, isn’t that so wonderful. For the so many who have reminded us of the love of God, through our struggles, thank you. As simple as it may sound, I believe that if we, in the spiritual self, endeavour to 1 John 4:19 “We love Him, because He first loved us,” He will grant to us HIS LOVE PEACE & GRACE, to accept that through all of our struggles, HE (NOT US) will be successful in us (lets us remember, He owns us, not we own Him – again John 3:16.). OH, MY, I know this sounds so simple. And may seem simple in God’s view, but not ours. For us it is hard, like it was for the apostle Paul who said, 2 Cor. 10:3 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh.” When God thinks well of a person, WHICH HE DOES (John 3:16), that is what matters!!! 2 Cor. 10: 17, 18: “Whoever wants to boast must boast about what the Lord has done. For it is when the Lord thinks well of a person (which He does – “For God so LOVED the world ….” John 3:16) that he is really approved, and not when the thinks well of himself.” Hey, dear brothers and sisters, we cannot do it on our own. One of the most precious things in all of God’s glory was that He GAVE to make us what He wants. Please allow me to encourage you to yield to HIM (ie, not after your own fashion) to make you, what He wants. And, by the way, He will not fail. You can fail but He won’t, and it’s Him who eternally matters. Why? Easy answer, “Because we cannot do it in the natural flesh.” We are saved by His giving of Himself (natural flesh for spiritual purposes.) As hard as we sometimes try, we cannot boast of ourselves. We must BOAST in him, our replacement. And, again, by the was, the devil has NO authority over you. The Apostle Paul said “… nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels mnor other heavenly rulers of powers, neither thye present nor the future, neither the world above of the world below-there is nothling in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom. 8:38,39). BOAST in God. Don’t run into the danger of trying to say, “I can make it on my own.” No YOU/WE can’t, but yes, HE can. God bless you, brothers and sisters in the Lord, children of the King “Some received and believed in Him, so He gave them the right to become God’s children.” (John 1:12.) We are His.
I have a problem. It’s not a problem I thought I’d have, and it’s not a problem that other people openly know about, so there’s little hope in being shamed out of it. Basically, it’s entirely in my head. and yet not. To be clear, I don’t lust over any particular man, anyone I know, physical characteristics, etc. I have regular, pretty much daily sex with my husband. I love him, I respect him, I admire him, and I enjoy our sex. I am very careful not to speak with other men or flirt, wear seductive clothing, whatnot – I am super, super conservative, though perhaps not to a fundamentalist extent.
At any rate, the problem is in my head, which I know from the Bible is just as bad. Namely, I have submission fantasies that, while I would never act out in person, are continually in my head. It’s hard to divorce “submission to my husband” from “submission to men” in general, and while I think I would have the strength of character to resist things of this nature in person, and while I don’t think I would ever act on it, I have this overhwhelming guilt that I crave to randomly submit in a whorish way to others when I have a perfectly good husband whom I love and want to honor as God intended me to. I’ve told him about my thoughts, and he’s said it doesn’t bother him as long as they stay in my head. But he doesn’t interpret things in the Bible as literally as I do, and, I really feel I am in the wrong. I also masturbate to these thoughts in the periods between the times we have sex. My husband’s libido used to be higher than mine but now with age is somewhat lower, and this gets especially bad when I am pregnant. For some reason when I am pregnant, the thoughts intensify to a crazy extent.
I don’t remember any childhood sexual abuse. I did discover porn magazines when I was fairly young – by a trash can at the park, but I only remember sadness looking at them, because they spoiled the image of a man loving one woman, and I didn’t understand why the men in the porn were being “bad” to the woman, and I remembered a repulsion to the pubic hair. I would say I had a healthy childish reaction of being disgusted, rather than attracted to things, so, I don’t know where this comes from. It doesn’t help that other people trivialize it and say “well everyone has fantasies.”
What am I supposed to do? As an aside, I am afraid to interact or having eye to eye conversations with men who are not my husband because I am terrified I might have a random attraction that would easily and readily be discernable in my eyes, and I feel for some reason that men can see what I am thinking, so I live now kind of like an antisocial hermit. I’m really not sure what I’m afraid of…that maybe one of them be insane and somehow recognize my desires and order me around or something and that I could actually commit in-the-flesh adultery on top of it; it sounds ridiculous writing that out, and I really am not a skank. I have not been with anyone but my husband since were were married and even before that, for maybe over a decade now so I can’t be this thing lacking self control.
Why do I have this fantasy? How can I divorce it from submission to my husband?
Hey there. You’re so brave! Thanks for sharing your story here. I’m a counselor, so what I’m going to say here is from that perspective.
The thing that really jumps out to me here is the shame that you feel around your sexuality. When we feel a lot of shame, our body chemicals get involved, and the shame-causing thoughts/behaviors end up getting “sticky” in our brains.
In my experience, shame over sexuality is a huge problem for many of us raised in the super super conservative world. And it’s a problem on a physical, chemical level.
When we attach shame to our sexuality, shame takes over, creates anxiety, and then you’ve got the perfect chemical storm going on in your body: sexual desire (normal, God-given) then SHAME AND ANXIETY, followed by a need to alleviate the pain, often with a secret, shame-inducing behavior, followed by more shame and anxiety, followed by a need to alleviate, followed by the behavior, followed by shame.
Another part of the chemical picture, you’ve already alluded to: I would say that hormones are a huge part of the picture while you’re pregnant. Also, many many women have a higher sex drive than their husbands, or those sex drives change over time. That is all just normal, but again so much shame gets attached especially for religious women.
If you could interrupt that shame cycle, you’d be golden. (I think this is true for men and women.)
This is where I think you need to listen to your husband! He sees your sexuality as normal (men are often given this message in conservative circles, and we women seriously need to get on board), and I think you ought to try moving in that direction as well. Probably going to be some hard work, as your ideas about sexuality are mixed up with highly conservative religious messages.
I hope you don’t see that as trivializing. I really do think that shame is the problem here.
I think could be helpful to step back a bit from the thoughts. When they happen, breathe deeply, in and out, as slowly as you can. Instead of diving into shame and anxiety when they appear, employ some gentle curiosity about those thoughts. What’s happening in your world when they occur? How is your body feeling at the time? Is there any trigger, any outside anxiety, anything painful or difficult that might be making those thoughts a welcome distraction at the time? Is shame from previous episodes triggering your current need to alleviate pain?
GENTLE CURIOSITY. See what’s going on inside of you. Listen. You might want to start journaling, 20 minutes per day (that’s the research number!), so you can think about these things BEFORE the shame/anxiety kick in. You could process through recent experiences with those same questions above when you aren’t in the heat of the moment.
Then decide what you want to do with the information you uncover.
If you want to interrupt the cycle, you might choose another activity that’s soothing to your body instead. Yoga is a great, research-proven tool for anxiety. Of course, if you’re really conservative, I realize suggesting yoga might cause you anxiety! :) But you maybe it would be less disturbing to you than what’s happening currently? I love Yoga With Adriene on YouTube, and her 20-minute anxiety episode is my absolute favorite.
One of the best ways to interrupt the shame cycle is to talk it out with someone who accepts you as you are, and helps you work toward the goals you’ve identified. A therapist is a really good option. You might check for someone who’s experienced in helping women with sexual issues.
I hope that helps!
Peace to you, Kay
My name is Stephenson & I’m 27 I’m a young Christian man who loves God alot but i have difficulties overcoming sexual desires, it stresses me out that sometimes I resort to masturbating where I feel so guilty after sometimes pornography. My gf & I decide to wait until marriage to have intercourse but being alone I’m attacked & even as a fairly successful individual young ladies are friends with me that later leads to an arousing of sexual feelings by sending me photos & stuff. I just be friendly but that sometimes leads to sexual thoughts. I dont wanna rush married just to have sex cuz I think of marriage beyond that seeing my parents has been married for 27 years. How can I avoid giving into or overcoming the feelings & arousals cuz I really don’t want to miss heaven because of lack of self controlling sexual desire.
Hello, Stephenson, it’s hard to admit what you’ve typed here, so first, I wanted to encourage you! It’s not easy to raise your hand and say, “I need some help!” So, you’ve done the first step, and now time for a second step. Can you find someone to hold you accountable? I sense that you truly do want to honor God with your thoughts, words, and actions. That’s hard to do all by yourself. I’ve not been successful in “solo” Christianity. In fact, I’m meeting with my accountability friend this Friday! I need another brother in Christ to look me in the eye, and call me “up” (not out) to who Christ desires me to be. Ephesians calls us to live as “children of light” because in the light, out in the open, with nothing to hide is such a refreshing place to be! But, the evil forces pressing against us lobby hard for secrets, darkness, pride, and solo Christianity. Evil almost always wins when those things are present. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, you’re absolutely right! I tried the alone approach for years. Think about it this way – when an army general encounters the enemy, and he calls in all of the troops, planes, bombs and guns and DEFEATS the enemy, they give him a medal for bringing everything to bear on that threat. Why do we think we can do it alone? Because when we believe that, the enemy wins. Let’s bring every asset we have to bear on the enemy working against us – prayer, Christ, community, the Word, BRING IT! I commend you for wanting to stay pure – it’s admirable. Maybe go read Psalm 119, especially verse 37, which might encourage you more. And, find that trusted partner! Another guy to walk with you.
Peace,
Chris
Hi,i’m linzy and 23 years old. For the past 8months i’ve been struggling with sexual sin.i’ve prayed and criedto God about it. Last 4months i messed up with my bf(we made out) and i told God it wouldnt happen again and i’v even told a brother about it and we’ve been praying about it. But for two weeks now i’ve been having strong sexual urges,so strong.i tried each yime to conquer it by reading the Bible and listening to gospels(i like Hillsong and Kim walker) but still! I’m a student and sadly i’ve lost focus. And something i didnt want to happen,happened again last night..i’ve fallen and i need help.i soo much dont want it to repeat . My boyfriend has lost his prayer life and now i feel God does not want me,i dont feel like reading the Bible and praying anymore. Today is sunday and i couldnt go because of what happened yesterday,i dont feel like going to church again. I feel like a hypocrite. We are Christians and i cant believe this is happening to us. It soo not me! The first time it happened i thought God was trying to teach me a lesson that its His grace not my strength that Has kept me from falling but now i think its my own foolishness! Right now i dont think i can talk to anyone about Christ because i think i dont even know Him myself(whoever the Son sets free is free)then why have fallen? I want a holy life!
Hello, Linzy – I apologize that it’s taken so long for a response. I sense the real pain and struggle in your words here. I want to start with a few things to put your heart and mind back into right thinking. The awesome power of Christ on the cross offered and accepted by you cannot be simply pushed to the side by your sinful choices. What Christ did was OVERCOME the power of sin and death for us because we are foolish. We desperately depend on the sufficiency of the cross in the midst of our foolishness. So, my first encouragement to you is to RUN to the foot of the cross. Right now. Regardless of the pit you feel like you are standing in, there is no pit so deep that it is beyond the AWESOME and forever powerful cross of Jesus Christ.
Keep reading your Bible. Keep praying. Keep running to Jesus. Keep sharing your struggle openly with a trusting friend or brother (as long as this person can hold you accountable). Make a firm decision that each day, you’re going to rededicate your thoughts and desires to Jesus. And, in moments of struggle, have a plan to FLEE (like Joseph did in Genesis – go read it! Good stuff). Your boyfriend should not be an enabler here. If he’s not leading you to the cross, then he’s leading you away, and is not worthy of your precious heart.
You ask a question at the end of your post. “Whoever the Son set free is free, then why have I fallen?” but I think you know the answer. Let’s be honest – God gave us sexual urges, but He also gave us loving boundaries where acting out on those urges works for our good (marriage). When we believe the lie that those loving boundaries aren’t good enough, we do things on our own! That’s sin at work. Yes, you are free to choose the freedom Christ has purchased for you (1 Corinthians 6:20), but you’re also free to choose the flesh. In those moments of temptation, you are choosing the flesh.
BUT, praise be to God that his mercy never runs out and the forgiveness and freedom purchased on the cross of Christ are inexhaustible! Embrace those truths. Meditate on them. Be free! And, more importantly, BELIEVE that you are free. This is the working out of your salvation – it takes determined practice and daily commitment, but I know you can do it.
Peace, Chris
Ive been reading these comments and they are a load of crap. Why would you punish yourself for how you feel? You cannot control your feelings but how you can control your actions. Stop looking towards religion to solve all your problems, you either will find peace or youll go crazy and blame god. I have not found peace in religion and i find most christians as stuck up people that get mad and say you have demons in you.
I am a woman way past menopause and have not dated men for years as am single and a Christian woman. I most recently got introduced to a single Christian man and just the mention of his name or thoughts of him, bring such high sexual passions to every part of my body, I just like I cannot get enough and I physically do not even see him face to face which is probably a good thing, but want to control these strong sensations but they are so strong. No matter what I do or am doing when I think of him, I just get so highly passionate all over. What to do as I do belong to God first???
I am 35 single and have always waited for Gods will to happen and till date it has not happened. Till 2 years back was so controlled in my lust but am struggling now and starting to hate myself as am giving into my lust. I just dont know what to do. As much as I am asking God to take this away from me its not happening and as much as I am crying to God to send me the person to marry that is also not happening.I dont want to be like this but I just dont know how to control my urges when I feel I have never lived my life. Why is God not answering my prayers
Hi Lydia,
Well, your sexuality is part of what God created within you. Dealing with that in a healthy way is a challenge to every human being on earth. It also sounds like you’ve got some serious disappointments in other areas, and some real grief that you’re coping with. You might benefit from counseling at this point, to help you process those emotions and think about what a healthy, fulfilling life will look life for you even if you don’t get married. You might also appreciate some of the resources here.
Peace to you,
Kay
Plz tell me how to i control my sexual desire my desire is i do sex with lots of woman but it’s not so plz help me and tell me how to i control my sexual desire.
Hello, Deepak – do you want to stop? Then you’ll need to take some real steps to stop. Here’s an article that might help: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/02/07/am-i-a-sex-addict/
All I can honestly say is Lord helpbus all…..I’m n the same boat as some off the comments I’ve read. I continually deal with sexually thoughts and most off the time act on them, but not really wanting to and afterwards I’m feeling so weird. I try with with all my might to reframe from this type of actions but to a certain point I can not help it. I always pray before and after calling out to God to forgive my sins, knowing that I suffer the worse in this area. I know I need help so I have been calling on God, to this extent I do wish I was married at times just so this part of my life could be right…..however I’m not ashamed at all. Im glad I’m able to speak out we human and it’s somethings we go though in life that will always be out of control no matter how hard we try to deal with the issues of life… Let’s pray for each other…and hopefully well all b able to get some much needed help and closure from God sonwe all can be delivered in Jesus name. Amen
My child, be attentive to my wisdom;
incline your ear to my understanding,
2 so that you may hold on to prudence,
and your lips may guard knowledge.
3 For the lips of a loose* woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol.
6 She does not keep straight to the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
7 And now, my child,* listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8 Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house;
9 or you will give your honour to others, (Proverbs 5:1-9)
I’m 18 years old and a girl, in a similar situation. I have always been devoted to God because there’s nowhere else I can turn to. I know that because I grew up in the church all my life and have struggled against the enemy with all his horrible snares. Like some, my desire started young, I was molested by an older girl when I was six who had previously only bullied me physically. I have only just told someone last year and although I know she loves me I can’t find the courage to tell my mom.
My mind kept the painful memory somewhat hidden until I was 13. I knew it happened and when the memory surfaced I had always felt so ashamed, I still do, but I know it’s not my fault, I didn’t want to, I was so scared of her I kept quiet and let her do it so she would hurt me less. As a result, I started to masturbate from an early age, always feeling sick, guilty and ashamed of myself afterwards. And praying for forgiveness. At one point when I was eight/nine I learned about homosexuality and Revelations, I became almost sick with fear that God would think I was lesbian because of what happened. I learned later that God didn’t count situations where you were forced.
When I hit thirteen, my mind seemed to release the memory, it was at that time, I realised the label that goes with the memory. I had been molested. This made everything about me make sense, why I hated being naked or half dressed in front of anyone even my mom. Every time I experienced being “seen” by others I felt ashamed, betrayed and hurt. My eyes would sting and I would hold back tears only to become hateful and angered with the person. Even now, I’m unsure if I have ever gotten over these instances. Why I hated games, the girl had said we’d be playing mummies and daddies, I had to be the mom. Why I NEVER want to get married…
Being raised in church I noticed that it’s a very big thing to get married, I am the only teen in my church between 15 and 20 so a lot the time people begin to speak to you more about marriage and purity. But I don’t want to get married ever, I am terrified of actual sex and I feel like in todays society boys in my generation Christian or not have the belief that they are entitled to a woman’s body. Christian males rush into marriage just to fulfill desires it’s not love it’s lust. I can’t cope with that. I feel like I would rather die most of the time than to let another person, a man this time use me. Just the thought makes me feel so sick. In my head ‘sex= biological stabbing’ so I struggle to understand God’s use of it. I also never want to have children because of what it takes to make and have them.
Here’s my problem, my mind and my body are at war, I keep having sexual impulses that ever since last year have been so strong I can’t ignore them, to make it worse I have started craving porn images. Even though I am always disgusted afterwards. I feel so guilty afterwards, I don’t understand why God won’t stop the need considering I view marriage as something like a punishment (I know it’s not for others but for me it is) I’ve been praying for years and fasting that either God takes away these drives causing me to sin or he helps me to not feel so distressed at the thought of having to submit to a man. It has gotten to the point where I even began to wonder if I am becoming lesbian because pictures of women excite me not men. I have never found anyone attractive in my life and I went to a girl school so I know that’s not right. I am not lesbian. But I am not attracted to men either so I always say I’m asexual. I don’t know what to do anymore, I pray about it, I talk to God about it, Ive been trying to ignore/forget about it for years, I’ve fasted and believed but it never goes away.
I know that now I’m struggling to trust God because I know He LET the devil use her to hurt me, and the word says he uses these trials to strengthen our faith. But this hasn’t strengthened me it is destroying my life and my mind. Because of it I know I can’t let go of God because I will go through worse. But I feel like I have built a wall around my heart to protect it from all people family or not and God. I struggle to trust even God with my heart, I trust him with everything else, but that because if He let someone hurt me so bad before I don’t know that He won’t do it again. I feel so ungrateful when I think like this but I can’t lie to myself I have to be honest. Because I struggle to trust him fully, my spiritual life is losing strength I’m not getting any better, but I don’t feel God helping me.
Any suggestions?
Sorry for the long post
Hi Leticia,
I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve been carrying on your own all these years. Because of this history with abuse, I urge you to find a therapist who can help you process the pain you’ve suffered, and to help you reframe your sexuality in healthy ways. We tend to put a lot of shame onto sexuality in our culture anyway, and if you’ve been abused, then there’s even more shame. Trying to figure out what’s healthy and normal in terms of your sexuality from under that steaming pile of shame is not going to work out well. Let’s get to work on healing from trauma, and then you can sort through the rest of it.
If you aren’t comfortable telling your mom the whole story yet, that’s okay. But do find a therapist. If you are 18 (in the US, anyway) you’re considered an adult and can sign for yourself, so youu wouldn’t have to tell anyone else. Also, because you’re a victim of a crime, there should be therapy services available to you for free through non-profit survivor services.
As for “where is God when abuse happens”–that is a huge, painful question to deal with. You might find help in Jessica Kelley’s book, Lord Willing? She doesn’t talk about abuse specifically, but wrestles with God’s role in her child’s death.
I think the most important thing when we’re dealing with abuse is to have good, loving support around us. After all, WE are the Body of Christ. And if we aren’t sure where God was when the abuse happened, we can still be sure of where we are for one another when the pain is being processed. I think this is the main benefit of therapy, honestly: that you can tell your story to someone and experience the care that you didn’t experience when it was all happening to you.
In terms of understanding trauma, you ought to read Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. You can listen to some of his ideas at the OnBeing podcast. Your sex drive is a normal thing, and at the same time, our bodies are impacted by trauma in significant and serious ways. I think Dr. Van Der Kolk’s work might help you understand yourself a bit better, and it would be a useful adjunct to therapy, for sure.
Peace to you,
Kay
I am a 39 yrs old male. Divorced, not adidted to porn or anything like that. But I am seeking desperately to reduce or desaparea my sexual desire. I already did my duty of having children, now is time to concentrate on The Lord and on things that I will like to do. And I feel, and know that this is a battle that it takes away my sleep. Now days sexuality is more present in our communities than holiness, or even food.
I live in South Florida, where like in L.A. I would imagine, women dress up with lack of conscience even for church. I been couple of years now that I am fighting this, and YES I have prayed about it, I have given it to God and even fast. But guess what, soon as I am in peace and looking at the skies, the devil comes and place a pebble on the ground so I can trip and look down. I am tired and fed up with it… I am seriously concisering castration…
And no, I do not want to remarry, marriage involve too much energy, specially when one is following the guidelines of marriage for both and the other is a Christian feminist that think that she deserves everything because she gives you something you crave or need… I do not want to play games, my little girls have no time for that, nether do I…
So, my question is, is there any way that I can reduce dramatically my sex drive, to the point of been gone?
In Galatians chapter 5 the flesh is stated to include not only sexual immorality but also fits of rage, jealousy, contentions, sorcery (drug use) and other sins. I have a tendency to go between anger & rage to lust, one or the other. I like women, just want one and have none and never have had one.
It is deeply frustrating, humiliating and enraging to be judged by Christian couples at church because I am single. Many of these ‘Christian’ couples consummated their relationships before marriage and are probably more insecure in their marital fidelity than those few Christian couples at church that waited till marriage to sleep together.
I am angry at God for giving me a sex drive and nothing to do with it but work, sleep, exercise. But wait, I can travel, I can go to movies, play billiards, watch football, go bowling, go to the lake, swim (actually lust is a smaller problem at the YMCA swimming pool than if I worked out in the gym area.)
I wear my shorts when I shower in the men’s locker room at the Y, and I try to dress out of the sight of other men. Many old men, divorcees some of them, sit around wanting a look, just like the evil days in Rome. One jerk asked me if I wanted to model for him. I told him if he could get one of the good-looking gals up at the front desk to paint me, I might consider it.
How many virgin Christian gals are there at any church? Probably one or two at most if they are between 25 and 35 years old, maybe because they are not very physically attractive. I am leery of signing a contract with a woman that gives her equal power over me, because a woman should not have authority over a man (Isaiah 3:12, Titus 2:5, etc).
When people get married at church, often times one person is marrying more for love and the other more for money. If one person wants a divorce, they go to a judge to split the marital assets. That is separation of church and state apparently.
Romans 13:14 – “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”
God never gave me a wife and family which i will never know.
I realize that I will be the unpopular one here, coming from a scientific point of view, but no deity can take away what is biologically programmed into us. Why would you want it removed? There is nothing wrong with porn, assuming all participants are consenting adults of legal age, if that would help. No doctor would “give you something” to reduce your sex urge; though stress and being occupied could consume too much time for sexual pleasure.
I suggest you take up masturbation until marriage to quell the urges. Though I can testify that marriage does not equate to sex. However, you cannot “wish away” sexual desire and I question any deity who would not allow you to experience this facet of humanity in order to follow them, at the cost of your own sanity and health. Especially if you are created perfectly… which means your sexual urge are perfection, too.
I truly mean no disrespect towards religion; follow whatever path you like but it seems to be a conflicting message.
In this time and age, most human beings are struggling with this problem. So here is my bullet proof solution to conquering sexual desires:1. Know that any sexual activity outside marrige, mental or physical, will be punished by Allah. So its a no-no.2. Avoid any sexual stimulation. Cut out all that stimulates u, from tv to magazine…to people on the street, by lowering ur gaze on the street.3. Stop the thought. Stop the sexual thought from coming to ur mind. How? A. By keeping always busy. (job, housework, personal care, etc)B. Slowing down your brain (praying is a form of meditation, that slows ur brain, also fasting can slow ur brain, if these 2 are not enough, there are foods and herbs to help u with this, green tea i guess can help, i leave more research on this by u)This is the solution, write on a small paper and stick it on the wall, so u always remember it.And this is the result of years of hard learning and thinking, though it seems an easy answer. And by the way I am 36 and a muslim.
hi i am Abraham. i have had issues with porn and masterbation for sometime now. i am educated and seem to have everything going on well for me except my sexual life.
i have a strong hatred for most women , more like i don’t respect women because i don’t think they can offer any good thing apart from sex which i have replaced with porn and masterbation. im 23 and the only child of my mom and graduating from the University brings the issue of marriage ever closer. i also struggle with anxiety and depression but i really love my life especially the anti social or hermit kinda. but i still need help regarding my sexual life
Hi, Abraham – thank you for coming to the blog. I don’t think porn is the primary issue here. I see multiple other concerns. (1) you don’t value women (2) you’ve elevated sex to be the ultimate goal in life – the only way to be totally happy (3) you’ve decided that porn/masturbation is the same thing as sex with a woman.
These are all false and corrosive to your life. Women have immense value. You’re not ready for a relationship until you start to see them as valuable and amazing. Sex isn’t some goal. You’ll live constantly disappointed if having sex is your definition of happiness. Especially if you’re training your mind to believe that real sex is anything like the fake, directed, violent sex that you’re watching in porn.
First, fix your heart. All the education in the world isn’t helping you. Your choices are destroying you from the inside out. Resolve today to be different. Be the man most women desire. Be a man of integrity and one that you want your future children to respect and look up to. Otherwise, you’ll continue to feel the loneliness and emptiness that I sense in your post.
I wish you the best,
Chris
Sexual desire is the most disgusting thing ever known to me. The fact that God put this as part of a design makes me wish I was dead. We don’t need sexual desire…It’s a weakness, and marriage is a fragile and flimsy bridge that often collapses the minute you step on it. I was made to be alone. That way no one can turn against me, no one can hurt me, nothing can divide my kingdom, and am without weakness.
I was molested as a child I cant remember a time when I haven’t been sexually awoken. I was a promiscuous teen had my first child at 17. I then became a Christian and got married at 21. We were married for 10 years having 5 children together.
The marriage did not come about with wisdom so it fell apart long before we divorced. I have been a single parent now for 11yrs. In 11yrs I’ve had sex once, shortly after divorce.
I have struggled everyday to wait on God for marriage. Even now I’m single, so no prospect of a relationship in sight. I went through a period i was addicted to porn but the Lord healed me.
I miss intimacy, companionship and sex.
It doesn’t make sense why so long.
I’m struggling.
My dreams are lustful. My mind is consumed with thoughts. I feel all these years of trying to honour God have been futile because I am weak and dont believe anything about my current state, honours God. Of late i have become tired of waiting but i feel ‘trapped’ because i dont even have anyone special in my life. ‘conflicted’ because i wanted God to meet this need but dont want to wait any longer. Im tired of hearing the same regurgitated quotes. Maybe im losing faith or my heart is becoming hard.
I wanted to share in hope that someone can speak life into me.
Why would God create many of us good single men if we weren’t meant to meet a good woman to share our life with, since being single and alone all the time isn’t fun at all? God is real rotten and very evil for doing that to us, which it would’ve been certainly normal to have what other’s have. But then again, just look at the very horrible women that God created these days that aren’t like the good old days at all when most women were Real Ladies back then. And they were certainly a lot easier to meet as well since they were very old fashioned. Quite a change in the women of today compared to the past.
God created us by his design and purpose.Does he not want a relationship with us all on a personal and individual basis? Does he want us to trust him with all the problems we are powerless over?Is your God not big enough to handle all your needs?How is your relationship to him? are you wanting to fill your spirit or your ego? Is your ego demanding it be filled and are you thereby creating a Obsession that you can’t get rid of on your own? Have you come to God with it? Have you turned sincerely and begin to fill your spirit up first? Turn to God and fill that void with his love,get to know him better,redouble your efforts if need be,pray and meditate and wait for the answer to the lesson for your heart.If you believe you are Gods child then start Acting like it !
Hi Hunter, I am almost 80. I was widowed in my 40s.
I’m not at all like your wife, I am just the opposite!
I am understanding how you may feel. I have not heard of many women like me, so don’t really know how to curb the drives. Some kinds of exercise help, But not a lot. Am praying for your wife to “wake up and have some fun”
MAY THE LORD GOD BLESS YOU IN EVERY💕 Way! ! ! 😉😁🎶
I am a 21 year old male. How do I handle my sexual lust problem if I do not want to get married? I notice a lot of people talking about saving themselves for marriage or “that one special person that God will bring to them”, but I have yet to see anyone talk about those of us who do not want to get married. I feel like our culture has made being in a sexual relationship (or, in the culture of the American Church, being married) too important. Paul, and the Gospel according to Matthew, make it clear that you do not have to be married to live a fulfilled life, and that it might even be better for me to remain single so that I can allocate more of my resources to serving God. I have chosen to lead a single life in order to focus on building my relationship with God and my community’s relationship with God. But I still have strong sexual urges and they cause great inconvenience to me, such as spending a lot of time masturbating and sometimes chatting erotically with people through online games. I want to love God and reveal my love for him through my lifestyle, but I feel like a failure to him in that department on a daily basis. Every day. How then should I handle this predicament in a Biblical manner?
Hi Dylan,
Thanks for sharing! That is a wonderful question, and you’re absolutely right: a lot of undue emphases is placed on sex in our culture, and on marriage in our churches. You don’t have to be married to be a whole person; God doesn’t love you any more or less as a single than He does as part of a couple, and you don’t have to have sex to be a whole person either. I would recommend starting with our ebook for singles. You may also find “Hobbies and Habbits” useful. An important thing to remember is that despite the fact that marriage and sex are extremely visible in our culture, you are not alone in your decision to remain single and serve God that way.
I hope these resources help and that you find the answers you’re looking for!
Blessings,
Samantha