My name is Patricia Weerakoon, and I am a Christian sexologist. After 23 years in the University of Sydney, I retired from my academic position as director of a graduate program in sexual health to bring my twin passions together: God and Sex.
What better place to start than with sexual desire. Let’s look at a real life problem.
A letter from Harry, a 20-year-old single male: “I find it so hard to control my desires. I wish God would just take it away—at least till he sends me the girl I am to marry.”
What is sexual desire?
Sexual desire (sex drive, libido) is a testosterone fuelled drive deep in the emotional system of our brain. It is powered by a cocktail of neurochemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin). Sexual desire is a drive—an urge for sex. It is a fairly non-specific appetite, and we can appease it with a variety of sexual activities, from fantasy to intercourse and masturbation.
It kicks in at puberty. There’s no getting away from it. And, since the testosterone levels in boys are about ten times higher than girls, boys do have a higher sex drive.
This is the main reason Harry is all turned on: it’s biological.
In our teens and early twenties, we have a unique brain situation: bubbling sexuality with low control. This is because the cognitive decision making frontal and parietal cerebral cortex matures at a much slower rate than the emotional sexual parts of the brain. The control systems don’t complete till the mid-twenties. The teen brain is very much still under construction for adult life.
So 20-year-old Harry, like most other guys his age, struggles with this disjunction.
What turns our desire on?
Once testosterone sets the scene, the stimulus that turns on sexual desire varies from one individual to another. In the rapidly developing teen brain, stuff that is fed into it will determine what turns a person on sexually. The nerve cells at this age are in an active state of establishing connections, wiring and rewiring.
Pornography will set up Pornified circuits. In a young man it will lead to his seeing women as sexual commodities. Turned on by the super-sexualized images, his spiking desire will crave for the rapid and instant orgasmic high of masturbation. He has pushed down his still developing control mechanisms. A voluptuous body and the hint of lace lingerie send his desire chemicals raging. Maybe this is Harry?
Is it any wonder that the apostle Paul advises the Philippians (4:8): “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Harry would do well to follow this.
Why doesn’t God just ‘take it away’?
Sex and the sex drive (or desire) is part of our created body. In Genesis 1 and 2 we read that we humans are created male and female and together given the command to procreate and fill the earth. Procreation needs sexual intercourse. And sexual desire kicks off the sexual response of arousal and consummation.
We need sexual desire. God made it powerful for a purpose. Sexual desire will make Harry look for a woman whom he could marry in that wonderful one-flesh-naked-and-no-shame relationship (Genesis 2:24-25).
But sex comes with a handle-with-care warning. We are warned repeatedly by the lover in the Song of Songs (2:7; 3:5; 8:4), “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Watch out, she says, there is an appropriate time, place, and person. Harry needs to learn to control his sexual impulses till the appropriate time and place—marriage.
Marriage is the place for sexual intimacy. But we need to realize that marriage is more than sex. Marriage will bring a male and female into a relationship of one-flesh sexual intimacy; but sex as every other part of marriage will have thrilling highs and deep frustrating lows. Every couple needs to watch out for the temptation to idolize sex and marriage.
Waiting for a ‘soul mate’
Finally, Harry seems to be waiting for God to send him that special person to marry. The Bible gives us a couple of conditions for finding a marriage partner. Make sure your spouse is a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14), of the opposite sex, and not a close relative.
Finding someone sexually attractive is one motivation to marry them. It shouldn’t be the only motivation—it should be coordinated with other desires, like wanting to care for them and bring up a family with them. But sexual desire is part of the “package” that motivates us to seek marriage in general, and marriage to one person in particular.
Today’s society is highly sexual, but postpones marriage. Puberty’s happening earlier and earlier, marriage later and later. So there’s this long time gap of feeling desire and not being able to consummate it in marriage.
God calls us to surrender our desires. It’s part of building Christian character and walking by the Spirit. We should view the challenge of managing our sexual desires as an opportunity to develop godly, healthy character and habits that please God and our good for us and the people around us: love God and neighbor.
Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/14511253@N04/4411497087
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Patricia Weerakoon is a medical doctor turned Sexologist and Writer. She is an evangelical Christian. She is married to Vasantha. Her son Kamal is a Presbyterian minister. As a Sexologist she has translated her passion to bring good holistic sexual health to all people into practical sex education, sex research and sex therapy.
Why would God create many of us good single men if we weren’t meant to meet a good woman to share our life with, since being single and alone all the time isn’t fun at all? God is real rotten and very evil for doing that to us, which it would’ve been certainly normal to have what other’s have. But then again, just look at the very horrible women that God created these days that aren’t like the good old days at all when most women were Real Ladies back then. And they were certainly a lot easier to meet as well since they were very old fashioned. Quite a change in the women of today compared to the past.
I was molested as a child I cant remember a time when I haven’t been sexually awoken. I was a promiscuous teen had my first child at 17. I then became a Christian and got married at 21. We were married for 10 years having 5 children together.
The marriage did not come about with wisdom so it fell apart long before we divorced. I have been a single parent now for 11yrs. In 11yrs I’ve had sex once, shortly after divorce.
I have struggled everyday to wait on God for marriage. Even now I’m single, so no prospect of a relationship in sight. I went through a period i was addicted to porn but the Lord healed me.
I miss intimacy, companionship and sex.
It doesn’t make sense why so long.
I’m struggling.
My dreams are lustful. My mind is consumed with thoughts. I feel all these years of trying to honour God have been futile because I am weak and dont believe anything about my current state, honours God. Of late i have become tired of waiting but i feel ‘trapped’ because i dont even have anyone special in my life. ‘conflicted’ because i wanted God to meet this need but dont want to wait any longer. Im tired of hearing the same regurgitated quotes. Maybe im losing faith or my heart is becoming hard.
I wanted to share in hope that someone can speak life into me.
Sexual desire is the most disgusting thing ever known to me. The fact that God put this as part of a design makes me wish I was dead. We don’t need sexual desire…It’s a weakness, and marriage is a fragile and flimsy bridge that often collapses the minute you step on it. I was made to be alone. That way no one can turn against me, no one can hurt me, nothing can divide my kingdom, and am without weakness.
hi i am Abraham. i have had issues with porn and masterbation for sometime now. i am educated and seem to have everything going on well for me except my sexual life.
i have a strong hatred for most women , more like i don’t respect women because i don’t think they can offer any good thing apart from sex which i have replaced with porn and masterbation. im 23 and the only child of my mom and graduating from the University brings the issue of marriage ever closer. i also struggle with anxiety and depression but i really love my life especially the anti social or hermit kinda. but i still need help regarding my sexual life
Hi, Abraham – thank you for coming to the blog. I don’t think porn is the primary issue here. I see multiple other concerns. (1) you don’t value women (2) you’ve elevated sex to be the ultimate goal in life – the only way to be totally happy (3) you’ve decided that porn/masturbation is the same thing as sex with a woman.
These are all false and corrosive to your life. Women have immense value. You’re not ready for a relationship until you start to see them as valuable and amazing. Sex isn’t some goal. You’ll live constantly disappointed if having sex is your definition of happiness. Especially if you’re training your mind to believe that real sex is anything like the fake, directed, violent sex that you’re watching in porn.
First, fix your heart. All the education in the world isn’t helping you. Your choices are destroying you from the inside out. Resolve today to be different. Be the man most women desire. Be a man of integrity and one that you want your future children to respect and look up to. Otherwise, you’ll continue to feel the loneliness and emptiness that I sense in your post.
I wish you the best,
Chris
In this time and age, most human beings are struggling with this problem. So here is my bullet proof solution to conquering sexual desires:1. Know that any sexual activity outside marrige, mental or physical, will be punished by Allah. So its a no-no.2. Avoid any sexual stimulation. Cut out all that stimulates u, from tv to magazine…to people on the street, by lowering ur gaze on the street.3. Stop the thought. Stop the sexual thought from coming to ur mind. How? A. By keeping always busy. (job, housework, personal care, etc)B. Slowing down your brain (praying is a form of meditation, that slows ur brain, also fasting can slow ur brain, if these 2 are not enough, there are foods and herbs to help u with this, green tea i guess can help, i leave more research on this by u)This is the solution, write on a small paper and stick it on the wall, so u always remember it.And this is the result of years of hard learning and thinking, though it seems an easy answer. And by the way I am 36 and a muslim.
I realize that I will be the unpopular one here, coming from a scientific point of view, but no deity can take away what is biologically programmed into us. Why would you want it removed? There is nothing wrong with porn, assuming all participants are consenting adults of legal age, if that would help. No doctor would “give you something” to reduce your sex urge; though stress and being occupied could consume too much time for sexual pleasure.
I suggest you take up masturbation until marriage to quell the urges. Though I can testify that marriage does not equate to sex. However, you cannot “wish away” sexual desire and I question any deity who would not allow you to experience this facet of humanity in order to follow them, at the cost of your own sanity and health. Especially if you are created perfectly… which means your sexual urge are perfection, too.
I truly mean no disrespect towards religion; follow whatever path you like but it seems to be a conflicting message.
God never gave me a wife and family which i will never know.
In Galatians chapter 5 the flesh is stated to include not only sexual immorality but also fits of rage, jealousy, contentions, sorcery (drug use) and other sins. I have a tendency to go between anger & rage to lust, one or the other. I like women, just want one and have none and never have had one.
It is deeply frustrating, humiliating and enraging to be judged by Christian couples at church because I am single. Many of these ‘Christian’ couples consummated their relationships before marriage and are probably more insecure in their marital fidelity than those few Christian couples at church that waited till marriage to sleep together.
I am angry at God for giving me a sex drive and nothing to do with it but work, sleep, exercise. But wait, I can travel, I can go to movies, play billiards, watch football, go bowling, go to the lake, swim (actually lust is a smaller problem at the YMCA swimming pool than if I worked out in the gym area.)
I wear my shorts when I shower in the men’s locker room at the Y, and I try to dress out of the sight of other men. Many old men, divorcees some of them, sit around wanting a look, just like the evil days in Rome. One jerk asked me if I wanted to model for him. I told him if he could get one of the good-looking gals up at the front desk to paint me, I might consider it.
How many virgin Christian gals are there at any church? Probably one or two at most if they are between 25 and 35 years old, maybe because they are not very physically attractive. I am leery of signing a contract with a woman that gives her equal power over me, because a woman should not have authority over a man (Isaiah 3:12, Titus 2:5, etc).
When people get married at church, often times one person is marrying more for love and the other more for money. If one person wants a divorce, they go to a judge to split the marital assets. That is separation of church and state apparently.
Romans 13:14 – “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”
I am a 39 yrs old male. Divorced, not adidted to porn or anything like that. But I am seeking desperately to reduce or desaparea my sexual desire. I already did my duty of having children, now is time to concentrate on The Lord and on things that I will like to do. And I feel, and know that this is a battle that it takes away my sleep. Now days sexuality is more present in our communities than holiness, or even food.
I live in South Florida, where like in L.A. I would imagine, women dress up with lack of conscience even for church. I been couple of years now that I am fighting this, and YES I have prayed about it, I have given it to God and even fast. But guess what, soon as I am in peace and looking at the skies, the devil comes and place a pebble on the ground so I can trip and look down. I am tired and fed up with it… I am seriously concisering castration…
And no, I do not want to remarry, marriage involve too much energy, specially when one is following the guidelines of marriage for both and the other is a Christian feminist that think that she deserves everything because she gives you something you crave or need… I do not want to play games, my little girls have no time for that, nether do I…
So, my question is, is there any way that I can reduce dramatically my sex drive, to the point of been gone?
I’m 18 years old and a girl, in a similar situation. I have always been devoted to God because there’s nowhere else I can turn to. I know that because I grew up in the church all my life and have struggled against the enemy with all his horrible snares. Like some, my desire started young, I was molested by an older girl when I was six who had previously only bullied me physically. I have only just told someone last year and although I know she loves me I can’t find the courage to tell my mom.
My mind kept the painful memory somewhat hidden until I was 13. I knew it happened and when the memory surfaced I had always felt so ashamed, I still do, but I know it’s not my fault, I didn’t want to, I was so scared of her I kept quiet and let her do it so she would hurt me less. As a result, I started to masturbate from an early age, always feeling sick, guilty and ashamed of myself afterwards. And praying for forgiveness. At one point when I was eight/nine I learned about homosexuality and Revelations, I became almost sick with fear that God would think I was lesbian because of what happened. I learned later that God didn’t count situations where you were forced.
When I hit thirteen, my mind seemed to release the memory, it was at that time, I realised the label that goes with the memory. I had been molested. This made everything about me make sense, why I hated being naked or half dressed in front of anyone even my mom. Every time I experienced being “seen” by others I felt ashamed, betrayed and hurt. My eyes would sting and I would hold back tears only to become hateful and angered with the person. Even now, I’m unsure if I have ever gotten over these instances. Why I hated games, the girl had said we’d be playing mummies and daddies, I had to be the mom. Why I NEVER want to get married…
Being raised in church I noticed that it’s a very big thing to get married, I am the only teen in my church between 15 and 20 so a lot the time people begin to speak to you more about marriage and purity. But I don’t want to get married ever, I am terrified of actual sex and I feel like in todays society boys in my generation Christian or not have the belief that they are entitled to a woman’s body. Christian males rush into marriage just to fulfill desires it’s not love it’s lust. I can’t cope with that. I feel like I would rather die most of the time than to let another person, a man this time use me. Just the thought makes me feel so sick. In my head ‘sex= biological stabbing’ so I struggle to understand God’s use of it. I also never want to have children because of what it takes to make and have them.
Here’s my problem, my mind and my body are at war, I keep having sexual impulses that ever since last year have been so strong I can’t ignore them, to make it worse I have started craving porn images. Even though I am always disgusted afterwards. I feel so guilty afterwards, I don’t understand why God won’t stop the need considering I view marriage as something like a punishment (I know it’s not for others but for me it is) I’ve been praying for years and fasting that either God takes away these drives causing me to sin or he helps me to not feel so distressed at the thought of having to submit to a man. It has gotten to the point where I even began to wonder if I am becoming lesbian because pictures of women excite me not men. I have never found anyone attractive in my life and I went to a girl school so I know that’s not right. I am not lesbian. But I am not attracted to men either so I always say I’m asexual. I don’t know what to do anymore, I pray about it, I talk to God about it, Ive been trying to ignore/forget about it for years, I’ve fasted and believed but it never goes away.
I know that now I’m struggling to trust God because I know He LET the devil use her to hurt me, and the word says he uses these trials to strengthen our faith. But this hasn’t strengthened me it is destroying my life and my mind. Because of it I know I can’t let go of God because I will go through worse. But I feel like I have built a wall around my heart to protect it from all people family or not and God. I struggle to trust even God with my heart, I trust him with everything else, but that because if He let someone hurt me so bad before I don’t know that He won’t do it again. I feel so ungrateful when I think like this but I can’t lie to myself I have to be honest. Because I struggle to trust him fully, my spiritual life is losing strength I’m not getting any better, but I don’t feel God helping me.
Any suggestions?
Sorry for the long post
Hi Leticia,
I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve been carrying on your own all these years. Because of this history with abuse, I urge you to find a therapist who can help you process the pain you’ve suffered, and to help you reframe your sexuality in healthy ways. We tend to put a lot of shame onto sexuality in our culture anyway, and if you’ve been abused, then there’s even more shame. Trying to figure out what’s healthy and normal in terms of your sexuality from under that steaming pile of shame is not going to work out well. Let’s get to work on healing from trauma, and then you can sort through the rest of it.
If you aren’t comfortable telling your mom the whole story yet, that’s okay. But do find a therapist. If you are 18 (in the US, anyway) you’re considered an adult and can sign for yourself, so youu wouldn’t have to tell anyone else. Also, because you’re a victim of a crime, there should be therapy services available to you for free through non-profit survivor services.
As for “where is God when abuse happens”–that is a huge, painful question to deal with. You might find help in Jessica Kelley’s book, Lord Willing? She doesn’t talk about abuse specifically, but wrestles with God’s role in her child’s death.
I think the most important thing when we’re dealing with abuse is to have good, loving support around us. After all, WE are the Body of Christ. And if we aren’t sure where God was when the abuse happened, we can still be sure of where we are for one another when the pain is being processed. I think this is the main benefit of therapy, honestly: that you can tell your story to someone and experience the care that you didn’t experience when it was all happening to you.
In terms of understanding trauma, you ought to read Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. You can listen to some of his ideas at the OnBeing podcast. Your sex drive is a normal thing, and at the same time, our bodies are impacted by trauma in significant and serious ways. I think Dr. Van Der Kolk’s work might help you understand yourself a bit better, and it would be a useful adjunct to therapy, for sure.
Peace to you,
Kay