It’s time to address a taboo topic: female masturbation addiction. For quite a while now, masturbation has been a gray area of Christian sexuality. It is fairly “accepted” for men and rarely discussed among women. It gets to sneak around under the name “natural sexual release.” Natural is not a synonym for godly, but for the most part, we are pretty content to leave it alone. We already have enough battles to fight, no need to add another to the list.
But, ladies, this battle is worth our attention. Here are three reasons women addicted to masturbation should kick the habit, as well as a few tips to actually stop masturbating.
3 Reasons Christian Women Should Kick a Masturbation Addiction
Masturbation addiction is selfish sex.
Masturbation is very appropriately termed “self-sex” because it is self-focused. Biologically speaking, sex is the union of two people, not one. Our sex drive is a desire to have that intimate union with another person. Masturbation does not fill that desire. It is our way of saying, “It is my sex drive and I want it appeased when I want it appeased.” Sex is about surrender and giving, not power and taking.
Masturbation addiction does not honor God.
No addiction honors God. As Christians, we are not to be slaves to anything, even our bodies, which we are supposed to regard as the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). We are commanded to honor God with our bodies. Even those of you who do not feel you are “addicted,” think about those moments you masturbate. Ask yourself if God is watching you and thinking, “That’s my child; I am so proud right now.”
Masturbation addiction does not honor your husband.
Remember, ladies, sex is about two becoming one. It is not about your husband using you and then you taking care of yourself. Whether you are single or married, masturbation can lay a groundwork for difficulty. You are training your body to respond to certain environments, stimuli, and triggers. These might be environments, stimuli, and triggers your husband either will not be able to recreate or will choose not to recreate (like watching pornography). You have separated yourself from him and, unintentionally, have limited the intimacy you can experience with him.
That being said, fighting this battle is not easy. It would be far easier to believe that this is an OK thing to do and that you will be able to recover from this later. However, sin is sin and habits are habits. The sooner you can get them out of your life, the better.
3 Practical Steps for Women to Stop Masturbating
So, how can you stop masturbating when it has become a compulsive habit? Here are some practical steps to set boundaries to keep yourself from falling.
Think on truth.
More often than not, especially for us ladies, masturbation finds its root in fantasy. Stop that chain at the very beginning by holding tight to the words of Philippians 4:8. One of the things we are told to think or meditate on is truth. Truth is, you are not on some beach island with Casanova. Truth is, you have a life in front of you that needs your attention, and a Savior who has promised to help you through it. You do not need to run from it. When we run, we fall.
Know your weaknesses.
Speaking of the chain of fantasy, know what situations tend to get you into the mindset to either fantasize or masturbate.
For some women, stress is a huge trigger. For others, loneliness is a culprit. Some women don’t necessarily have a trigger, but a certain environment is more conducive to falling. Obviously, pornography or erotica can be a trigger. Sometimes, it is something benign. Even watching G-rated movies may start your mind wandering. Sometimes it is something that can be godly! Know your weakness. You cannot always avoid it, but knowing what it is will help you “pray up” and be on your guard.
The article “The Ultimate Guide to Identifying (and Redirecting) Your Porn Triggers” is full of great tips for helping you pinpoint your specific stumbling blocks.
Do not make it easy.
Romans 13:14 warns us against making provision for sin in our lives, specifically provision for the lust of our flesh. The battle for purity is already difficult enough without making sin convenient. Make masturbation as inconvenient as possible.
I debated putting this in here because I thought it might be too suggestive. Just as I was thinking about it, I got an email from a single young Christian woman struggling with masturbation. She was guessing that a good step in the right direction would be to get rid of her vibrator. Yes, that would be a very good step in the right direction. Get rid of it. I will not speak definitively within marriage, but I believe that sex toys have no place in the life of a single Christian woman. Get rid of them, and while you are getting rid of those, get rid of anything that can be used in place of those. (If I’m talking to you, you know what I am talking about.)
Since the Garden, Satan has capitalized on gray areas, convenience, and human weakness. It is doubtful that Eve would have eaten from that tree if she had a firm belief in the truth of God’s Word. It is also doubtful she would have gone to the trouble if the tree were on the top of Mount Everest. Make masturbation your tree on the top of Mt. Everest, and stand firm on the truths of God’s Word and His desire for purity. Most importantly, though, seek His strength and His wisdom. This is not a battle that can be won overnight, and the journey out can be marked even by physical pain, much like withdrawal. You will need Him every step of the way. The good news is, He promises to be there.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Thank you for this article, seldom do I see things written about female masturbation, wonderful article. I will download this and have it for our women who work with female sex addiction.
What???? Hold on… There is nowhere in the Bible that states masturbating is a sin. People are human and it is completely natural. In fact, masturbating helps people who want to have sex to have self control. It’s a good way to not get pregnant, get a disease, or become promiscuous. Good way to hois dout until marriage. It’s also very good for your health as well as mind.
Now with that said, it should be done in private and should be practiced infrequently so you dont damage the sensitivity of your sex organ. Porn is definitely a good habit to kick. Porn gives a stimulation to the brain that can harm the way you think about sex, how you should look, act, and feel.
Chris,
Thank you for your comment. First off, I want to point out that not once in this article did I state masturbation is a sin. I agree, there is no verse in Scripture that speaks of masturbation as a sin. I have actually addressed this on one of the Q & A pages on my site. This article specifically deals with an addiction, and any addiction is sin.
That being said, it is very important to note that because something is natural does not mean it is God-honoring or good. It is ‘natural’ for us to lie and seek our own good. Beyond that, I would be interested to see studies that support that masturbation is good for your health and mind in a way that say, exercise, would not be.
As far as it being a good way to hold out until marriage, as a 28 year old virgin, I stand here in testimony of the fact that it is not necessary. As a woman who once struggled with compulsive masturbation I also disagree with the assertion that it helps people have self-control. What it does is helps people get satisfaction without risk or relationship. They get to have get to have sexual desires met, as you pointed out, without risk of getting pregnant, getting a disease or becoming promiscuous, but also without intimacy at all.
Really appreciate those words….it touches my soul…thanks so much and I will work towards it
i cannot believe that even tho i have a problem with masterbation its a sin, technically we are all sinners and i dont get why its ok for guys to masterbate but not women, and how you throw the bible around, nice touch, really, as if i needed a reason to hate christianity more so,
This article would more helpful if it was a little less sarcastic and more compassionate. This is why some Christians seek help from people in the world rather than from fellow believers.
I didn’t read this as sarcastic. Are there some specific statements that give you that impression?
Thanks for the article. We need to be victorious as women on this subject, as God created as pure and holy in His sight. Pray for us to win this battle with Him.
Do you have any tips that are not faith related? I’m an atheist, and I am looking to kick my addiction. I don’t see it as something that shouldn’t be done in order to honor god due to this, but it has started to prevent me from normal social interactions with people. For example, if I am planning to meet up with friends later, sometimes I choose not to, knowing that that time could be spent masturbating.
Hi Anna,
I highly recommend you check out the book The Porn Circuit. It isn’t faith-based and will give you a pretty good handle on the problem. (It’s also free.)
“get rid of everything that can be used in place of those”…What about pillows or teddies for example?should we get rid of those too?there are so many toys and materials even tools used in masturbating and we can’t possibly get rid of THOSE things eg desk,bedsheets
I feel like I have nowhere to turn and I feel like I’m not praying hard enough! It’s like my desire to sin is greater than my desire to please God. I really need help! Please pray for me! I know that God says he will make a way of escape so that we can endure it, but what is that way of escape? I try to recall verses and pray during temptation, but it doesn’t work! I will be 20 in 2 years and I’ve been masturbation since I was 11. I need to and want to stop but I can’t please help me!
In some sense, the very heart of sin is a stronger desire to please yourself compared to a desire to please God. This is, ultimately, how God transforms us from the inside out: He gives us holy desires, and then over time, those cravings become stronger and begin to trump the power of sin (Galatians 5:16).
I used to feel like I wasn’t “praying hard enough” too. While there might be some truth to this, this kind of belief is also laced with a lot of lies. When we think “praying hard” means mustering up enough willpower or trying harder to repent or thinking the act of praying itself will change us, then we have our focus in the wrong place. Certainly prayer is vital to our sanctification, but the focus of prayer is not the activity of prayer itself, but the one we pray to.
I’m glad you asked about the way of escape. I wrote a post several years ago on the cycle of addiction. One of the best ways to overcome this problem is by sitting down with a close friend, accountability partner, or mentor, and really mapping out your “ways of escape”—all the off ramps you plan to take no matter where you are in the cycle of addiction. There are many ways of escape all along the cycle.
For instance, knowing what your triggers are (external and internal) is important. The first way of escape is to do what you can to avoid those triggers, or if you know a trigger is coming, to approach it mindfully and prayerfully.
I highly recommend you also read this article about the apostle Paul. I know the shame you feel struggling with this, and of course, it is normal to react to sin with a sense of shame (sin is, after all, a shameful thing). But chronic shame can cripple your efforts to change. Shame is meant to drive us to reconciliation and exposing our sin, but often it only drives us feel like we are too unclean to be fixed. The only way to fight sin effectively is from the position of a new identity in Christ.
I am not a women I am 13 and have had this problem since I was 8 only because something happened to me not to be mentioned I am trying to repent but my problems just keep on getting worse and I do not want my family to know but I have to tell someone like our bishop but I am scared and I want to stop please help me maby you can help
Hi Christine. You are so brave to write in. I think you are really smart to be able to link masturbation to what happened to you when you were 8. I think the masturbation is a symptom of that underlying pain you’ve been in for so long.
The first thing I’d say to you is this: you need to tell a safe adult about what happened that you can’t mention. When I say a safe adult, I mean an adult who is committed first and foremost to your well-being, someone who will stand up for you and help you in any way they can.
Unfortunately, I am not always confident that church leaders are safe to talk to, simply because not all churches respond well when they learn information like this. I don’t know enough about your church to know if they will respond well or not. A safe response would be that they believe you, they don’t blame you, and they follow the law in making sure that the person who abused you doesn’t abuse other children.
If your parents are safe people who haven’t abused you, then please talk to them immediately about what happened to you when you were 8.
If your parents aren’t safe, then a school counselor is often a good person to talk to, because they are well prepared to help you through this.
I am a counselor, and I work all the time with children in your situation. I want you to know that bad things have happened to you, which must have been very painful and difficult, and you have been all alone trying to cope with that. Part of the way you’ve coped with those bad feelings is to give yourself good feelings through masturbation. I think you can tell that isn’t a good long-term solution, which is why you wrote in. You need help to solve the underlying pain, and then I think you won’t need the masturbation so much to control the pain, and that will make it easier to take some behavioral steps toward healthier sexual habits. Does that make sense?
I think that after you talk to that safe adult, you would also do well to go to counseling for a supportive relationship that will help you process through the pain. Your school should be able to supply your parents with a list of resources for counseling services in your area.
You are so brave, and so wise already. I know you are going to heal and be well again, and you’ll be able to be in control of your own sexuality once again.
I’m praying for you with lots of love. If you or your parents want to contact me personally, my website has a contact form you can use there. Blessings, Kay
I’ve been struggling a lot with this issue and I’m actually pretty young so it’s really hard to stop. My friends are all talking about how great it is so I’m struggling with stopping this article really helped me and gave me a boost thanks you
Thank you so much Jessica, you are absolutely right in saying that some women use masturbation or pornography as an escape to stress. About 7 months ago I confessed my addiction to my husband and it was extremely humbling as often times we struggle with being compassionate towards men because of their addictions. I hadn’t struggled since (once or twice with thoughts) but we are dealing with a lot of stress right now and I want to go back to my escape. I want to take care of me and no one else. I don’t want to fall back which is why I looked up “Christian women with porn addictions”. Thank you for your vulnerability and for having the heart to be open with your life. Love, Norma
That the Bible does not always use our current modern terms for things doesn’t mean that those things are not addressed.
The terms “uncleanness,” “lasciviousness,” “indecency,” “licentiousness,” “immodesty,” “perversion,” “depravity,” “debauchery” and “impurity” found in Galatians 5:19 and Ephesians 4:19 in various versions are translated from the Greek “akatharsia,” “aselgeia,” which seem vague and imprecise. What exactly is meant?
In Greek as in English, euphemisms are used in place of the literal terms for irregular sexual-genital acts. Unlike English, which borrows Greek and Latin terms for “proper” reference to illicit conduct with the genital organs, Greek does not use the Greek words we borrow into English in the way English speakers do. That is for example, if the Greek words used in English are translated into Greek, the same Greek words will not appear. Same for Latin.
The English word “fornication” translated into Latin does not come out “fornication,” for in Latin it is an euphemism for prostitution (“that which is done under the arches of the viaducts and aqueducts”), not sexual immorality generally.
The acts specicifically alluded to by “akatharsia” and “aselgeia” are oral sex, the masturbation of the genitals with the mouth, and anal sex, the use of the anus for masturbation. Despite the utter commonness of these acts in the Greek culture, they were referred to as filthy acts.
Thank you for this article. I am also a virgin waiting for the man God has for me. I do believe masturbation is a sin, it is taking something that is meant to be between two people and making it selfish. Selfishness is a sin. I also don’t think its “lovely and pure”. Unfortunately I have gotten caught up in this sin and it has made me ashamed and has cut my communication with God. I want to quit and I’m going to do what this article has discussed. Thank you for your words! The Lord wants me to get through this and I will!
In the flesh, we deal with seperation. The soul is outside of what we percieve.
I believe that the woman desires bliss, love, peace and joy on earth. When we are with another soul, sometimes its taken for granted. If the man lusts for the woman, and doesnt love God more, then the women is taken as a piece of property. The orgasm is a soulful thing. Your soul is actually in there, releasing energy into the spirit realm. When you have sex with one another, thank God the whole time in, and be thankful for the gift you recieved. Sex is not supposed to be as casual as the world sounds. Even if it is, give thanks to God. Give thanks to God even when it dont work out in one anothers favor. It shouldnt be about pleasure, but it is, but it should be given wisely. Good post and thank you
There is a scripture about masterbation even though the word isn’t used. Titus 2: 11-12. Masterbation is basically worldly lust.
I think it needs to be clearly stated that the Scriptures most certainly speak of lust, they just don’t speak about the activity of masturbation.
Hi my name is Faith, I have been a Christian since I was 8 years of age and I am now 14… I have always been around sometype of sexual activity my parents were strongly into it as well as my siblings… I have always prayed that The Lord help me overcome this, I know my weaknesses and also know that when I do it The Lord says that’s my child and I’m disappointed in her… I’ve never had sex but I’ve looked up porn, and I beat myself up for it… It’s like I pray that night and I ask the Lord to give me strength to fight it but the next day I find myself doing it again… I don’t understand how I can be so young but fight with something so big… If you can Email me and give me tips please.
Thanks
Hey Faith, I really admire your insight into what’s going on with you, at such a young age. I actually think that a lot of people your age are struggling with these same issues, so I’m going to go ahead and respond here, in case some of them need this information, too.
First of all, when you’ve been exposed to a lot of sexual behavior at an early age, it’s perfectly normal to have “acting out” behaviors as a result. One of the things that children all do is literally act out the reality that’s around them. This is why children play pretend games: they’re trying to figure out what’s going on around them, but they don’t have a lot of words yet, so they use behavior instead.
When it comes to sex, though, our body and brain chemistry gets involved and it’s really easy for normal acting out behaviors to become entrenched habits and maybe even addictions, as time goes on. (Your Brain on Porn is a free download that was written with men in mind, but our brain chemistry works the same, male or female, so if you’re interested in reading more about that, here’s the link.)
The good news is, you can take responsibility for your own behavior. Usually the first step is stopping the undesirable behavior. That’s how Covenant Eyes came into being in the first place–to make porn less accessible, so stopping is easier. It’s like going on a diet: you clean out the junk food before you start, so you don’t just find yourself eating chips in front of the TV all day. So, I’d say as a first step, look at your habits around porn and see what steps you can take to make it more difficult for yourself. Filter/block sites; delete apps from your phone and turn off the app store; keep devices out of the bedroom at night, if that’s when you’re tempted. You get the idea.
Secondly, I’d say keep trying even if things don’t go perfectly. It takes time to learn new habits. Look at how your system is working or not working, and make needed adjustments as you go along. Switch to a flip phone, for example, if a smart phone doesn’t work for you.
Third, keep educating yourself. Keep reading.
Fourth, find safe people who are able to support you in this. Perhaps a youth group leader or a school counselor could be helpful to you? If you wanted to go to personal counseling at your age, your parents would definitely need to be involved, but I think that could be a good support for you as well.
Finally, I want to tell you that God delights in you, just as you are. This is the good news for all of us: God does not wait for us to be perfect before he loves us. He knows everything about us and he loves us. Yes, he wants to see us living healthy, free, and full of joy. But he doesn’t love us any less when we are tired and scared and broken and ashamed. In fact, I think his heart turns toward us even more when we’re in need. And I’ve just found for myself that the more I receive that Love, the more I live in it, the less attractive anything else is to me. And I think that’s where sin gets broken–not by our self-control and excellent habits, but in the Love of God for us that fills until that’s all we want or need.
Receive that Love and live in the freedom and joy of it. Kay
This is literally the worst article I have ever read, and it’s full of self hate. I am in a long distance relationship, and masturbation, including mutual masturbation over long distance has helped solidify loyalty. I have not run around, and been promiscuous, and it helps slate desire. Being away from the person I love has made this an addiction. It’s not being able to be with the person I want to be with, and feeling incredibly lonely. Masturbation releases chemicals that literally make you feel happy, which I have become addicted to in the height of my depression from being isolated from my significant other. The proposal that I should be ashamed of masturbation because it is “selfish” or against God is so insane, and unhelpful, not to mention incredibly insulting and unrealistic. I did not come here to be ashamed, and judged by someone who very obviously has no idea what they’re talking about. It’s not being sinful or selfish, it’s not being able to be close to someone. It’s not just about pleasure, it’s about release from stress, worry, and crippling depression. It’s being addicted to that alleviation from cyclic depression, and becoming reliant on those chemicals to lift you out of that when nothing else can get you out of it. Alternates to becoming addicted to this cycle would have been helpful, not being told that we are sinful, selfish heathens thank you. How awful. You could have suggested other activities such as exercise which also release similar chemicals in the brain, but no, you chose the least educated, most judgemental route possible. Thanks for nothing.
I’m just 13 and I’ve been doing this since I was about four. Back then it just “felt good” to “touch myself”, and I didn’t know it was wrong until a few years ago. I know for sure that this my ultimate cross that God has given me to bear, and is probably the sin that I’ll struggle with throughout my life. It’s my root sin, but that doesn’t mean I have to live my it out: I really want to stop. I still masturbate though, because, firstly, it is a habit (it’s kind of innate: there have been almost 10 years of this) and I have been doing it for so long; and secondly, I can’t stop. Every time I find myself doing this I tell myself that I’ll never do it again, but I find myself doing it again later on.
I cant really talk to anyone about this because my mom won’t talk to me about sex at all, and this is also a very embarrassing problem.
This article helped me: It let me know that I need to stop, but quitting really doesn’t come easy.
Hey Lucille, you’re so brave to talk about something that many people find embarrassing to mention–even adults! Masturbation is a hard habit to break, for sure. Orgasm involves a release of chemicals that our brain and body enjoy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that–it’s simply how God designed our bodies to work sexually. But, like lots of good things, our bodies can become dependent and we can lose our sense of balance and start sacrificing to our obsessions. When we start using sexuality to stuff down emotional pain, we’re probably going to get into an unhealthy place pretty quickly. I hope you can find support here as you make healthy choices for you. Blessings! Kay
I am looking for help with my wife who masturbates three to four times a night and denies it. It has been happening for over a year… Is there any help other than prayer?
Hey Lucas.
Well, I’d say try to have a conversation from the perspective of trying to understand what’s going on with your wife. Here’s a one-minute clip from an interview with marriage expert Dr. John Gottman that might be helpful to you.
The reality for women is this: we are not taught to deal well with our own sexuality. I think this is true of men as well, btw, and I think this is why porn has such a hold in Christian culture: not because we aren’t “pure enough” but because we’re woefully unhealthy about sexuality in general. I think the porn problem is just a symptom of our way bigger problem with sex in general. For men, the story is “he just can’t help it” while the story for women is “she shouldn’t want it.” If she does like and want sex, she’s not a good person in Christian culture. This makes female sexuality and desire a tough topic to address. I’m generalizing, but that’s what we’re up against a lot of times.
Now, I don’t know what the rest of your relationship is like. But I think you can do a whole bunch of things to create a strong, successful relationship that then includes a strong, successful sexual experience for both of you. If you can’t have this open, understanding conversation with your wife right now, then I’d say get Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and invest in the REST of your relationship. Then you might be able to address more successfully what else is going on in this one particular area.
I hope that helps, Kay
Thank you for this, I often struggle with this and have been looking for a good resource
To Chris
Thank you for this article when I read it my desire to please God just sky rocketed and that need of wanting to please the flesh just “uped” and left it’s good that ur a Christian I understood you more on a spiritual level if I had gone into the world I don’t think I would have kicked it…thank again
It is habit forming. It feeds the selfishness in a person. Makes you think you don’t need nobody else. Starts to gradually occupy too much of your time. Start being your go to when you are stresse, lonely, can’t sleep, weary, need peace, want happiness, and the pleasure King. Your God. To add if you are having sex with yourself are you really a pure virgin??? No! You have just been tricked. It is Just the devil way of seducing you and getting what he wants from you. Right under you nose. And you not putting up a finger to stop him. Because you are busy taking care of his business. Spreading his gospel! Don’t you see
how you fight so hard to defend this, Master?
I cried reading every single line?
dear God bless you ?he is our best daddy. I’m so glad that your talking about this topic.this article really helped me.
these days no church wants to talk about these kind of topics.I’m so glad your spreading these messages…as it isn’t written in the bible that masturbation is a sin,Satan wants to use as an advantage and corrupts every youth minds that it isn’t a sin so you can do it…but i realized that our daddy God won’t be proud of it. I’m an 18 year old girl who is so inspired reading this article.
I really do need a lot of help & of your prayers, I am 15 now but I started when I was 13 & since then, there’s no day in which I don’t masturbate ?…
Hello Fatima – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. It’s a tough, tough battle to stop, but freedom is possible (with a lot of hard work). Did you read the blog post? What about it was helpful? If this is something that has been a struggle for 2 years, it is something you won’t be able to defeat on your own. Relying on the power of Christ and also the community of trusted people around you is a power punch against sexual sin. Do you have a trusted person you can talk to?
Peace, Chris
Chris, 04-02-14 – Just because the word “masturbation” is not found in the Bible doesn’t mean that the act that the word represents isn’t treated in the Bible.
No sexual acts are mentioned by name in the Bible other than what Onan did. They are represented by broad general terms:
• uncover his/her nakedness (euphemism) – to do something sexual with another person
• uncleanness – in a sexual context (akatharsia), a sexual act done in private
• lasciviousness, filth(y) – a sexual act done openly, brazenly for the primary purpose of sexual excitement and release. Always in an evil context, condemned
• sodomy – includes all inherently wicked sexual acts. Chiefly in relation to homosexuality, but also the same acts committed by and between heterosexuals.
Hi,
Thank you so very much for being a God send and most of all thank God for His work through you. God has been helping me get over my addiction since this summer after I went through an extremely, extremely frightening expierence, that God could never forgive me. God has gotten me through that, thankfully!!! But I’d be lying if there weren’t weren’t still scars that haunt me, because of the lies that I listened to. But anyway today I guess just hasn’t been a good day. Two days ago God showed me just how much He is in my life and how greatly He cares for me, but today I just haven’t felt Loved. I’ve been stuggiling with being a light for God. A lot of times I ask God to let me have conversations about Him with those around me, He answers, but yesterday I just kind of got really down, because I have never made an impact on anyone’s faith, I’ve never helped lead anyone into Jesus and it kills me when I’m around my depressed friends and they don’t feel comforted by my story out of that through Jesus, like when they want to know my story or when I’m with my atheist friends and they ignore me and bring up the same issues that I have tried to help them understand, and they agree with me on those jssues, and I love my friends so much and I can see their need for God, and I’ve been through what they ate going through, not believing in God and depression, and I’ve always wanted to help them, but like I said, I’m just not the brightest light you know. My dad says I can’t see my self as insufficient because you never know what you could have done in helping, but sometimes I just don’t know. I know what it’s like to be doubtful and depressed and addicted and without God my life was completely unfullfilled. Nothing ever filled me. I know masturbation doesn’t fill me, and only God does, but I’m human and sadly forget sometimes how much God has turned around my life, and all those factors kind of lead up to today with my struggle towards this and I just feel so worn out. So I guess if anyone has any insight into that I dont know, it would be nice to know but I know God is with me. But I am inspired by your article and I absolutely love to see God’s work in people. Thanks again and God bless you!!!
Hey Allison.
First of all, I think Love is so much bigger than we know. If you’re not feeling loved today, I’d encourage you to go outside and look at the clouds for a while. Feel the breeze. Crunch some leaves. Watch a squirrel. Drive to the most beautiful place you can, and take a walk in nature. Drink a pumpkin spice latte. (Unless you’re in Texas: it’s still 90 degrees. Have a green tea lemonade.) Receive all those gifts as God’s Love for you, because they are. You are Loved, perfectly and completely, and all those good, beautiful things are demonstrations of that love.
Secondly, I want to remind you that God is present to your friends in all the ways he is present to you as well. And for your depressed friends, he is present in the gift of modern medicine, so you might encourage them to see a doctor and get the medical help that’s available for depression! While it’s wonderful to be concerned and want to help your friends, it’s not ultimately your job to convince them of anything. Share your story, live your life, and let them choose. God is present for them just as he is present for you.
There is more Love available to us than we can possibly comprehend.
Peace to you, Kay
Jessica, what advise can you give to a young Christian woman who has no husband to fulfill her sexual needs? Ive really been struggling with this for a long time, and even started trying to convince myself that it was natural. But i always feel so guilty about it after,
Many women do not share the view that masturbation is “normal” and that female sexuality is mostly “clitoral”. Addiction to genital rubbing to relieve uncleanliness, irritation, or stress, is a very bad situation which even runs counter to the fact that a woman should be in control of her sexual “needs” and not be a slave to them. Love and parenthood are still the main purpose of sex the world over and this should be stressed in advice to young females, not the unfortunate opposite we hear so much in western mags these days. In many cultures female selfishness in masturbation is viewed as unacceptable and shameful.
Hi.. I don’t kw how I got addicted to masturbation .. it’s not like addiction .. but from small I do this .. I ave no idea from what age .. I don’t do it everyday but atlst twice or thrice a month I do …. but as God’s child, I kw I’m doing things which God doesn’t like … and I want to come out of it … Plz help me out and plz pray for me … ? I want to be a girl whom God loves … and thanks for the article … so many days I was thinking tat self pleasure is not a sin .. but this article opened my eyes saying sex should be done by husband and wife and not by self … thank you so much .. God bless … and remember me in ur prayers … thank you …!!
Hi,
I’m a 20 year old college student and I’ve been masturbating since I was 10. It started with “acting out” when I was young and gradually became worse. I started watching and reading erotic media, I started experimenting with different materials and ways to please myself, and every time afterwards, I felt lower than dirt.
I’ve told one person I trusted a year or two ago, but I haven’t been kept accountable. I feel like people would see me differently and judge me if I told anyone else. I’ve thrown away so many things that I would use and unsubscribed to a lot of things that I would watch or read, but I still do it.
I’m now dating a loving Christian man and I feel like he’ll be disgusted with me if he ever finds out. I feel that my friends would be disgusted. I feel that God is disgusted.
Am I missing something? Is there something wrong with me?
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m a single mom, both single and also walking with Jesus for 5 years now with 2 ungodly sexual relationships early in my walk.
I also struggle with addiction to masturbation. Early in life i was taught by my older brothers who were supposed to love and protect me, that I can only be loved by a male if I were pleasing him sexually. I must have started both hating myself because I was stripped of my dignity and indulging myself with masturbation as some treasure that was “mine” way too early to remember.
I love Jesus now and after a failed marriage I’m slowly accepting that he loves me without all the ugliness of ungodly sex as his reason for loving me.
I’ve been taking a course on women with emotional pain, and we are currently in the marriage section. It’s incredibly painful for me, and I drift if into imaginary land sometimes, pretending the guy for me is around every corner.
This morning I started to study in the section, but ran across “wear your husband’s fave sleepwear, or non sleepwear!” So I looked up lingerie for slightly plump mother’s.
NOW I KNOW based on your scripture-quoting, ROM 13:14, and PHIL 4:8, that this is exactly where I slipped into sin.
I put my Bible study down and got deeper into my internet search. Thankfully I don’t struggle with traditional porn any longer, but even looking up sex position that only showed cartoon silhouettes was enough.
After it was over i felt the Lord asking me if that made me “feel” (emotionally) better and I crumpled crying, drowning in guilt. I didn’t. Frankly I don’t see how giving myself an orgasm, I got over any physical “need” either.
I looked up”Christians who struggle with masturbation” and found your article. When I read it, the scriptures instantly moved me. I didn’t feel guilty any longer, but just sorry to my Savior. And I accepted his love for me once again.
Since i said yes to Jesus 5 yes ago my whole perspective has changed.
I used to be that skeptic who hated stupid Christians who need a crutch like Jesus. Now I totally get it.
If you’re reading this and you are that skeptic, yes we are weak. And we know it. And unless you get to the point where you admit you’re hopeless too, well there you are. You stay hopeless.
Thank you, jessica for your transparency, for your willingness to put yourself out there to help other ladies like me. Thanks for your faithfulness to the calling in your life, despite obvious attack, and thank you for your graceful responses.
Thank you Jesus, that you love all women and men with all types of sexually appetites and indulgences that may be at best socially-accepted “innocent” and at worst utterly-debased deviant. It’s amazing Lord that you look down into our cesspool and see the treasure each and every one of us are to you.
I pray that any skeptic or Christian-hater (more like Christ-hater) on this chain would come to an understanding that you are a loving Father and friend, albeit completely HOLY and unwilling to accept any sin as “understandable.”
Be patient please Lord, they truly do not know what they do.
Anonymous.
Thanks. I think this is really useful for me in my life.
I am addicted to masturbation for 8 years i want to get rid of this condition.
I am in love with a man who wants to marry me, I feel bad about myself. I think this article could help me to get rid of it. Thank you
I’m 16 years old and I started watching porn and masturbating when I was about 12 or 13. It’s something I keep to myself. I know God is watching me. I’m a girl so it’s hard for me. How do I stop it? I don’t feel comfortable or like myself anymore.
Hey Dee. Well, God is watching you, but not in disgust or anger. Because God IS love, he can only look at you in that love. You may not like you, but God does! And there’s nothing you can do to make that love and that liking go away. I really think the only way we can change is when we receive that great, great Love for ourselves, and let it transform us. Shame and guilt and self-disgust will only lead us to needing behaviors to mask our pain. The less we like ourselves, the worse we feel about ourselves, the more we do things to hurt ourselves.
So maybe it seems upside down and backwards, but I’d say, when you’re wanting to grow and change, let Love into the places you’re most ashamed of. When you’re feeling bad about yourself, receive Love. I do that by being really mindful of all the good gifts that Love gives us: the breath in my body, delicious food, hot tea, the sunshine, my dog who loves to snuggle me, music and art and laughter. All those things are gifts of God’s Love, and when I receive them intentionally and mindfully, I find that I’m much less self-destructive.
I think yoga is a huge help to counteract any kind of self-destructive behaviors, especially body-related self-harm. My favorite is Yoga with Adriene on YouTube! Here’s a little 5-minute de-stress practice you can try.
Hope that helps. Peace to you, Kay
Peace to you, Kay
Hi…. I need help about this topic… and counseling as well…. If you could reach me out…..
Hello, Maria – maybe here you can find a Christian counselor: http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/
I can’t controlling myself I’m just 19 want to marry at the age of 25 but I’m didn’t controlling myself ,I’m started do selfsex at the age of 8 I’m still doing it could u help me??
Thank you for this article, I am single women who struggles with masturbation. By the grace of God, adult entertainment is no longer in my life. However the temptation too self pleasure literally comes back. However this is a good thing too not hide, but seek help.
Hi im 29 yrs. Old and im struggling with masterbation it seems the more i pray and want to stop it makes want to do it even more im not addicted to porn or anything i guess i just enjoy the feeling i am so ashamed because when im in church i kno that tje pastor senses what im going thru im the spirit but its like im embarrassed for him to kno and just feel low and disgusting the problem came when a family member use to touche me when i was little and everg since then i have been doing this im so ashamed plz pray for me.
Hi, Meka – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. That spirit of shame and disgust is so heavy. But, it wants you to keep secrets and hide the issue because when you do that, the enemy wins. BUT, in the light, and saving Grace-filled love of Jesus, that disgust and shame is crushed. Can you trust anyone to talk with about your struggles? Maybe even a support forum like nofap.com, where you can find other people online who understand and will support you?
Be strong! Christ did not die, descend to the depths of hell, conquer death, and rise to glory only to be defeated by your struggle. He overcame the struggle for YOU! Yes, for you. God is for you and will be your strength. But, you must act. Look at Joseph in Egypt – when tempted by Potiphar’s wife, he didn’t stay and ponder the situation. No, he ACTED and RAN! Now is your time. I hope the best for you,
Chris
Thank you for these words of wisdom….
Thanks so much! I am a teenage Christian girl who struggles with masturbation and this was very helpful when you put scriptures and God into this article. I really appreciate this. Thank you!
Hi Jessica,
I’m 18 years old and just start College. I have grown up in church my entire life and in fact my father is a pastor. I have been struggling with masturbation since I was 12. I stopped masturbating when I was around 16, but unfortunately have recently picked it up again and worse than ever. I have never thought of it as an addiction until this year. I want to follow these steps you have given, but I don’t know if I have anyone to really talk to. You see, because I’m a pastor’s daughter, I feel like I couldn’t talk to anyone about this even my youth pastor or my parents. I had looked at some porn when I was 12 and about a year ago I told my mom and she seemed really worried. I feel like I have no one to talk about my problems with. I really appreciate your article!
THANK YOU . i now will try to keep away form some Television channels and beg the LORD to help me forget the picture (nude), if it comes suprisingly in a movie i am watching. now i know that stopping masturbation IS AN ACT OF NOW and AN ACT OF TRUST IN GOD’s TRIALS. it’s not a TO DO ACT.
Thanks .I think God punishes us for masturbating. I have experienced it every time I masturbate God punishes me.i pray and cry. But I don’t know if God hates me as he is not helping me. My studies are affecting.god is not listening to me .I feel like dying I need help please help me …….
God does NOT punish you for masturbating. God does NOT hate you for masturbating. God loves you, every minute, no matter what.
The Bible does not graphically describe any sexual or genital act other than what Onan did. Euphemisms and broad general terms are used:
“Knew,” “saw his/her nakedness,” “lay with” and such like.
“Uncleanness” (akatharsia), “wantonness,” “filth(iness),” “lewdness” (aselgeia).
It is assumed by the writers that the reader knows at least generally what is included in the terms.
Hi, Mercy – at some point, you have to make a decision. I don’t know what else to tell you other than you’re stronger than you think you are. I don’t sense a deep-rooted desire to quit in your post. Maybe it’s there and I just can’t see it. But, no one can make you stop masturbating. It’s you, God’s help, your will, a daily decision, speaking openly with someone, identifying triggers, texting a friend when you’re struggling. I truly hope the best for you. May God give you grace. May grace guide your efforts. And, may your efforts succeed.
Best,
Chris
I sincerely appreciate you for this….
I’ve been masturbating for the past 7 years and I think it has affected my height cus my junior brother is much healthy and taller than me….
Please I need to stop this habit… I still with to grow tall
Hello women, I do not need to ask very many questions. But this is a question that I need to ask a professional and godly woman or women :-) I am asking my question here in hopes that I will get a good answer. My husband passed away two months ago. I am 54 years old and I had an orgasm several times a week. I am wondering if having an orgasm releases any built up tension, grief or stress? or does it release negative things like pain and sorrow? I am strong in the Lord and I am handling my grief well, however, when I masturbate I think about my husband but then I cry really hard. Sometimes it messes up my equilibrium. I am a very deep person, very loving and very passionate. I am also committed to Jesus Christ as my source of love, intimacy and the one I turned to in my times of need, through prayer, worship and the word. I am hoping that my sexual passion and desire for an orgasm will diminish if I stop masturbating. Is this true? If I stop masturbating will I eventually be OK without sex?
I totally agree with crucifying my flesh. And this is the only thing I can think of.
“What I feed will grow, but if I stop feeding it, then it will die”
Is that answering my own question?
Stop masturbating and eventually I will be fine? Thank you for any feedback.😌🙏🏻
Hi Debbie,
I am so, so sorry for this incredible loss you are going through.
My own experience with deep grief is that it is a very physical process. Trauma is encoded in the chemical systems of the body, so it makes sense to me that orgasm might tap into the physical grief that your body is holding. I suspect that your equilibrium will be fragile for a long time to come as you pass through the grief process.
Your sexuality is a part of your Self. Wanting your sexual desire to go away is like wanting hunger or thirst to go away. All of those things are just part of your healthy physical self. You can starve yourself in any number of ways, but I don’t think that’s healthy.
I wonder if you are getting any therapy for your grief? Grief is terrible and painful, but starving yourself sexually isn’t going to make the grief stop. You can find a therapist in your area using the Psychology Today therapist finder. You might also appreciate the work of Megan Devine. She’s written a book called It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay, and she runs a Write Your Grief course at Refuge in Grief.
A big loss like this blows all your inner boxes (your “schema”) apart. You have to figure out life all over again, in every way. That’s going to include your sexuality, and figuring out how you can be a healthy sexual person in this new normal. I don’t know what that’s going to look like.
But please don’t starve yourself in any way. Especially not while you’re grieving. Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as possible, in every way. You’ve already been crucified enough at this point. Let yourself be held in the loving arms of God right now.
Much love to you,
Kay
That what I said too.
Eugene,
You are welcome. Feel free to share it with whoever needs it. I have other resources over on the sight if you ever need anything more!
For His Glory, because of His Grace,
Jessica
I think a huge step u get off masturbation is through player to God and read Philippian 4:8 and Romans 13:14 they help a lot. Now my question is there more you can do to stop masturbation?
Hi Jessica. Thanks for the wonderful message..I am writing to ask if I can access you by email. Just need more guidance to healing as I am struggling . Blessing
LT, you can contact Jessica through her website.
as far as im concerned, if i am going to hell i am going to enjoy the ride
Masturbation isn’t directly condemned: correct. Lust, though, is condemned, and if gazing upon someone for more than an innocent glance to saite some carnal desire is wrong, how can conjuring up hedonistic thoughts in the mind about that someone, or anyone, totally be okay and swept under the umbrella of “natural?” The answer: you logically and morally can’t. Now, some will argue that masturbating will be good and help avoid even worse behaviors, but as previously established, masturbation is wrong, and doing some kind of arbitrarily established lesser wrong to avoid some possible greater wrong (fear pandering, if you ask me) is irrational and immoral. Finally, if you allow the devil a foothold, good luck keeping him out of the house. And such talk seems ludicrous to those not of Christianity because the world is far gone in hedonistic ideas. (For a history lesson, look to Rome.)
Fight the good fight.
h i am sakthii {male}
have 8 years masturbation but now i will stop it but i have one problem i cannot speak casually with watching eye to eye opposite hearing person what is problem and how can solve it please help me frds ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hello Sakthii – although this blog was written from a female perspective, here is a blog post that might be more applicable for men: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/07/14/three-steps-to-kick-the-habit-of-masturbation/ Can you please clarify what you mean by, “I cannot speak casually with watching eye to eye” – does this mean you don’t know how to talk to another person about this struggle?
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
To Chris:
Im completely against ur ideas.u say masturbating is good for health.thats entirely wrong.does a tree get better when u scratch it or break a branch of it?of course not.ur body is like that.u r letting a great source of vitamins,plasma,etc…get out of ur body.so thats clear that u r wasting ur body sources.second,I dont have enough information about bible but in Islam masturbating is a sin and thats clear why!!!youll get convinced to masturbate and then thinking about marriage decreases in u so its even a danger for population.third,u r a human.human have an ability of resistance.u can resist doing that.sex is not as the same as food or oxygen.u wont get in danger of death if u dont do that.so keep urself from doing that…
Le Phantom since 2014
I just want to thank Jessica and Kay if i may, for not replying to all the negative people who just want to believe what they want to. stop being selfish and focus on God leave the nonsense of always want to be right.
I’m a guy and I masturbate but every time I do i get bad luck so I consider it god punishing me … so that why I get mad at myself when I do I call my self stupid for doing that
I try so hard not to
Hi, I am woman of age 30… I was having this self thing past 10 years… I try to control but not able to… I actually thank God that I got a very good parents and have a very good loving husband… I don no how I got into this dirty habbit… The main thing is I got married at the age of 27 still I didn’t have a baby yet… I am feeling guilty that because of this dirty habbit god is punishing me… So only Idint have a baby yet… I am ashamed of myself… I tried so many times to control and I tell to God that I wouldn’t do this again but somehow I ll do it again and I feel guilty to face him.how many times I ask him to forgive me…. feeling awful…Kindly help to come out… And please keep a prayer to God that soon I should blessed with a baby soon… I need a baby not only for me.. but also for my husband who loves me so much….?
I need help. It started when I didn’t even see it coming. When I was 14 I’d get a high from watching couples make out. I didn’t know what masturabation was. But I’d see the word different places so I looked it up. Then tried to see how it worked. First couple of days, I’d did it time after time. Then rlly started to feel guilty. I’m now 16 and have been trying to stop for 2 years. I feel so helpless! I’m very honest about this with God, not hiding it from Him; however nobody else knows. It’s such an embarrassing, dirty, selfish sin, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so scared. I’m scared of the difficulty I’m laying for the road ahead. I’m scared for my future relationship. I’m scared I’m trapped for years to come. I’ve been able to say no a couple of times, telling myself, “God never lets a temptation come to us, that is too strong for us.” After every time, I feel dirty and disgusting. I did and still do have a very rough childhood and life. My family is wonderful, but my Father had/has some views that are not of the Lord. I just feel like crying. I have so many amazing friends, family, not to mention and AMAZING Heavenly Father who died for this sin. My friends have no idea, nor my family. Nobody in my circle has rlly heard of a woman mastubating. My mom deals with so much stress from my Father, that even if I could get the courage to tell her, I can’t put more stress on her. Better I not burden her some more. I don’t regularly watch porn, but I do masturbate. Once a day on average. Sometimes, I’ll go a week and not even miss it but I’ll slip up once and it’s back. I think sometimes that watching homosexuals is evening worse than masturbating. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve laid this out in front of the Lord so many times, but I must be missing something. Please help.
Thats well and good, but what happens when husband was spoiled by so many women in the past that didnt require how to please them. I have a problem getting hubby to get orgasmic with me and it always was like this. oh BTW hubby is/was a musician the other women were ‘groupies’. Is there counseling for this problem of female orgasm?..males are guarenteed it
zipporah – Interesting question and common problem (unfortunately). There is counseling available for women for just about anything nowadays, so I imagine you could find someone to talk to about female orgasm. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that 43% of American women suffer from some form of “Female Sexual Dysfunction.” But as far as your husband is concerned, remember that men who have been very sexually active or who have watched pornography heavily have trained their minds to be very self-centered about their sexuality. This is unfortunate for you and for him. You are missing out on each other. “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). When a man treats the woman’s body with the same respect with which he would treat his own (including in the bedroom) then he will also reap the benefits of her pleasure. The one book in the Bible that describes love-making in detail, the Song of Solomon, paints a picture of mutual pleasure, and I believe this is by design.
Zipporah,
Obviously, I can’t offer counsel from a little 150 word comment left on a post, but I think I can say for certain that this isn’t necessarily your problem. In general, women take time. We have to be romanced, and if your husband isn’t used to romancing, then yes, the whole experience is going to be lacking. From where I stand, it sounds like you might actually benefit from marital counseling of some sort. It’s like Luke said, pornography really trains people (not just men) to be self-centered about their sexuality. You can get all the counseling in the world for you, but I am not necessarily certain it is all your problem. If he sees this as an issue, then it may be a good idea to work on ‘falling in love again’ and helping him learn how to truly love (not use) women. If he doesn’t see it as an issue, then pray for ways to help him see how important it is to you.
In the flesh, we deal with seperation. The soul is outside of what we percieve.
I believe that the woman desires bliss, love, peace and joy on earth. When we are with another soul, sometimes its taken for granted. If the man lusts for the woman, and doesnt love God more, then the women is taken as a piece of property. The orgasm is a soulful thing. Your soul is actually in there, releasing energy into the spirit realm. When you have sex with one another, thank God the whole time in, and be thankful for the gift you recieved. Sex is not supposed to be as casual as the world sounds. Even if it is, give thanks to God. Give thanks to God even when it dont work out in one anothers favor. It shouldnt be about pleasure, but it is. So be wise, and dont be more about self pleasure then treating it asGod honoring. Good post and thank you
If he’s crazy for sex and has doesn’t feel bad about that maybe you should find a new lerins because it seems like he only for sex but if he’s not and he wants to change get therapy
Really good article. Thanks. It is good to hear about someone helping women and being firm on the topic of fantasy.
However, a difficulty is that in reading this as a guy it does stir up temptation when you as a female are sharing (particularly testimony). Unfortunate – yet true. I’m not sure of the solution. It did remind me of my continued brokenness and need for transformation!
Maybe if the target audience is unisex, then application of truth needs to stay that way?
@Rob – It cannot be denied we are speaking in “mixed company” here. Each post is targeted to its own particular audience (many posts, for instance, are probably not suitable for children). The hope is each post will be clear enough at the beginning of it whether the post is intended for the specific reader. Let us know if we can improve on this.
Rob,
Sorry. Over the past three years, I have found that one of the ‘hazards’ of this ministry. I get that response, in general, a lot. Being modest about a sexual sin while still being open enough so that people know you’re real is difficult. That’s the primary reason why I don’t make a habit of sharing my testimony in a room full of men. That’s also why it’s best to focus on the grace that we all need instead of the sin we all commit.
I know it isn’t comfortable and I definitely did not mean to offend anyone and it is certainly NEVER my intent to cause trouble for my brothers in Christ. I take that very seriously and actually questionned this post for that reason. I will say this though, women need to know that a person gets what they’re going through before they’ll listen to you, so if I had presented the truth ‘generically’ it would have completely missed the women who struggle.
Thank you for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.
Jessica,
I appreciate your article. I am breaking free from a 24 year battle of pornography addiction. Today is my 68th day of sobriety. But the area of self-gratification has been on going issue.
What you stated is true, about masturbation being selfish and its all about the self. I do know my weaknesses, and working on memorizing scripture. I’ve taken a Beth Moore challenge in memorizing the book of James. But I also appreciated your comment about “not making it easy”…I will say, toys have been a puzzle to me…Over the last year, I’ve made purchases I shouldn’t have but instant God conviction sets in, and within a day or so, I throw them away….but the temptation remains to continue to purchase them. So I appreciate you addressing the issue on toys/vibrators.
I’m a 32 year old single Christian and amazingly through my addiction to porn, I’ve actually been able to remain a physical virgin and intend to stay that way until God provides a godly man for me.
But know that you are speaking out and reaching out to women who NEED to hear it….
Appreciate your heart to serve those in bondage! Blessings to you!
Amy,
I’m not sure what brought me down this far in the replys but as I was about to click on another page, I saw your post. I just want to say that I really like how you have stayed a virgin through your addiction. I am in a similar boat. I have been struggling for nearly ten years now but have still remained a virgin. However, it has definitely been difficult with several relationships. It has only been recently that I have been ok talking about the addiction with significant others but it definitely helps letting the other know. This goes for all of those on here that are afraid to let people in their life know about their addiction: If they are family, they may be hurt and upset in the beginning but if they love you they will definitely stand behind you and support you through the battle ahead!
I asked God how I can handle my high libido and temptation to masturbate because my husband works away from home a lot and for some reason has stopped working at bringing me to climax during sex. The desire and need gets so strong it hurts and consumes me until I just give in to relieve the pressure and get on with my life. God showed me to use that time to pray HARD in praises to Him, and pray for my husband and our marriage bed. I can keep busy. I can exercise or do a project.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for writing this.
In my struggle, masturbation was there long before I got into pornography or erotic fiction, and I’ve kicked the last two but masturbation still hangs on because it is such a grey area. No one I ask can give me a straight answer, the bible doesn’t mention it specifically, and in times of temptation I use it as an excuse.
Thank you for writing so honestly.
I kind of picture masturbation like a Goa’uld from Stargate SG1 (sorry, I’m a sci fi lover). They’re parasites that get into people’s brains and take over their brains and bodies. In one episode, doctors managed to cut off the long tail this creature had, but the parasite couldn’t fully be removed, the head was clinging tightly with all its might.
Likewise, I think that masturbation, and really, selfishness, are the root of all our struggles, and we can chop off the fruit but it’ll keep coming back unless we destroy the root. In Stargate, they had to appeal to a race with higher technology to destroy the parasites.
We can appeal to the highest power! He can change us from the inside out.
Pam – If you don’t mind a man’s perspective, I’ll offer it. I do think the main problem with masturbation is that it is tied to fantasy. This article talks at length about it.
It is also unfulfilling. A healthy, God-created and God allowed marital sex life is fulfilling, no matter how often you “do it.”. It might be changed up a bit, but there isn’t this addictive need for harder core stuff to get the same if even any result. Masturbation is unfulfilling and you need harder core stuff….which helped prove to me that it is against God’s design.
I am still not sure how I feel about spouses separated by career circumstances or illness “relieving the pressure” so to speak, so long as their thoughts are on their spouse. For me, even fatasizing about my husband became utterly wrong because he could not live up to my fantastical view of him. Also, I was at it several times a day because it was so unfulfilling. I also found it harder to enjoy sex with my husband and I would wish for him to just get it over with so I could finish myself off (especially since for some reason, he won’t).
I will be posting a video on you tube soon regarding this vey important subject. I have overwhelming evidence from Scripture that masturbation is absolutely NOT a sin. You see there is no sin: homosexuality is not a sin. Did Christ die in Vain. According to the church he died in vain. Please look for this video soon. Jesus said when you know the truth it will make you free. The churches have had you in the bondage of sin.
Interesting thesis, Henry. Let us know when your video is up.
I agree with you: masturbation in and of itself is not a sin. I talk about that in this post. But lustful fantasy is a sin, and if masturbation is a fruit of that sin, we should guard against it.
I feel sorry for all of you who read this article and actually feel guilt for a practice that does not hurt anyone else. I understand why you would want to refrain from masturbation in a marriage because it fires up your sex life, but especially to advise a single girl against the practice is beyond me. This is why so many women get married and cannot have orgasms with their husband. It is because they don’t know their own bodies. If you ignore the natural feelings in your clitoris and constantly shove down any desire with guilt and repression your body will no longer be your own. You would recognize good feelings, and you may never orgasm with ease during sex with your husband. You are truly missing out. I don’t think it is an addiction at all. God gifted you with a glorious clitoris which ONLY serves the function of providing sexual pleasure. Why would it even be activated on a woman’s body if it wasn’t meant to be enjoyed? Why wouldn’t the clitoris instead be deep within the vagina so it could only be stimulated through Christian-sanctioned intercourse? How can it possibly be healthy to shame yourself of a natural healthy urge that does harm to no one? Masturbation can be very fulfilling contrary to what this article states and has many health benefits including increased blood flow and circulation, stress relief, and pain relief. I’m sorry to hear such restricted close minded views here. I hope this comment doesn’t get deleted just because it’s contrary to the article’s intent. I respect your faith, I just think it’s awful to take a woman’s sexuality away from her because you think it’s dirty. God bless.
We are all free to believe what we believe but I have to disagree with you on the fact that masturbation does’nt hurt anyone else. I have dealt with an overactive clitoris since I was 4 years old I would try all kinds of things to get relief. Medically I have a high testosterone count which I think might have something to do with it since at four I was not introduced to anything but the leaves in the backyard. I have lived my life feeling ashamed, inferior and as I got older would have sex with anything that moved just about. It all started with masturbation. I am 52 now I tell myself no more and then boom I am right there doing it again. It just happened that is why I came here I heard Dr. Weiss testimony on daystar and I need help. I dont want to do this anymore. I know the Lord forgives me but if while I am in the process of pleasing myself and I am thinking of perverse things how long will He put up with this behavior? I want to be free once and for all, I know also spirits are attached to this action I dont know exactly who they are by name but i want them to leave me alone IN JESUS NAME! thank you
@michelle. I think imcubus and succubus. Try fasting and prayer. Maybe a Daniel fast.
Thanks for saying this, and thanks to CE for not deleting it. You are 100% correct. While a woman could conceivably wait until she’s married to learn how to orgasm, it isn’t likely to happen during intercourse.. Statistics state that 70% of women cannot orgasm that way, so some sort of digital, oral or toy stimulation is necessary, whether by her or her spouse. Logic dictates that she would be more relaxed learning by herself first, then applying what she has learned when with her husband. There is no logic though in denying single women this natural tonic.
I’m not sure “logic” dictates anything here. The real issue at hand is what mental associations are attached to the act of masturbation. How we train ourselves mentally during masturbation has great ramifications for our future sex lives.
Elle – you are totally missing the point of the article. It’s about addiction. I personally have been sexually addicted for decades. I’ve been married 15 years and still struggle with this. I have no trouble having orgasm if my wife and I have sex but generally I don’t want to wait until my wife and I have sex. I want sex when I want it. When i’m in my addictive loop, I have no desire to be in union with my wife or God, but would rather fantasize about having sex with someone else. If I feed this addiction by masturbating, I’m separating myself from my wife. What you are suggesting is that we should feed our addictions. That’s a Satanic interjection into this argument. Ask any Satanist what the goal of their belief system is (whether they actually believe in Satan or not) and it is to fulfill their own needs. Think about what you are saying before you speak. You are using the reasoning of the world. Masturbation is not good, and sexual union is to be enjoyed between two people who love each other, not one person gratifying their self, especially if they are married or ever plan on getting married.
For sure thanks for that advice coz I think I was also getting addicted but thanx to those words I will be able to change .
This has helped me and i hope I stop.I have had this problem for a while and i always cry afterwards. It breaks my heart and I pray I can become the good person i once was. Thank you sooooo much for this article.
@elle. Well put. There definitely are benefits and a woman certainly shouldn’t be shamed for her sexuality
A lot of books say that masturbation is beneficial for women in marriage as you state. But I struggled with compulsive masturbation for many years as a teenager. When I got married, I found that I couldn’t climax with sex at all. The masturbation was always linked to some kind of fantasy and having sexual fulfillment completely tied to fantasy absolutely kills arousal and sexual fulfillment with a real person. I have been married for 15 years now and am still working towards actually connecting with my husband during sex. I don’t think that masturbating very rarely or as a way to understand arousal is necessarily a sin. But overdoing it and getting into really lustful and wrong fantasies is a very real and very damaging temptation.
Even though I am male, I appreciate the fact that women are receiving help in their time of need to obtain solutions. One of the important things I find in talking about masturbation is that when you start honestly talking to someone about your problem/addiction, and making yourself accountable verbally to someone you trust of the same sex, it is the start of dealing with your problem/addiction and dealing with fear of communication. Masturbation is the frustration of being lonely. I really believe that dealing with this fear of communication about masturbation, porn, fantasy and erotic fiction toughens us up as humans and christians, spiritually to face the heat of our battle and win. I am from Australia and I have done a course caled ‘Valiant Man’, produced by Dr. Allan Meyer; web address http://www.careforcelifekeys.org . I’ve personally met Allan and he is very passionate about men have inner healing and women as well. There is ia course designed for women as well. If you go to the website you find all the information you need. I know there are plenty of courses out there but few which covers it with a spiritual perspective without smokescreening like ‘Valiant Man’. In other words it is said like it is so that we are able to honestly and fearlessly face our problems. God Bless all those who are standing and facing the battle in the arena and not sitting as a spectator wishing they could fix their problem. Your victory is at hand, step by step and little by little.
I know I have a problem. I was strongly addicted when I was younger and after I got baptized I thought that I would be set free. I had someone pray for me and it still affects me, not as much as it use to and now I’m able to stop myself before I go too far but I still feel trapped. I know what I’m doing isn’t right, I’m not married and afraid of not being able to give my future husband the best because of it. I don’t know who I can talk to, I don’t know whether I am on the way to delivery or if I’m still stuck.
I am also going through the same thing. My body is so used to it it doesn’t even need much prompting. My mind wanders during lectures, tutorials and even exams (I almost failed last semester). The images we create in our head when we masturbate are sinful and there is no denying that AT ALL. We all know that it is not “godly” images that get us turned on. “Know the truth and the truth shall set you free” – John 8:32
This is an excellent article. But I’d like to add my comment to the point: Do Not Make It Easy. On that point, I’d like to add a way of making masturbation much more difficult.
Many, if not most people are not aware of Modern Chastity Belts. Sure, we’ve heard about how they were used in previous centuries, but their current use is limited mostly to a fringe group of BDSM.
I think that is very sad. A Christian who is trying to make giving in to masturbation as difficult as possible could be helped in their pursuit of holiness by a Chastity Belt.
This is extremely radical thinking and I know that. Many people will turn back because of the stereotypical image that comes into their head, but Chastity Belts are completely safe. They are hygienic, effective and comfortable. In other words, Christians who deal with a temptation to masturbate have only one excuse in at least not considering this option: Ignorance.
What do you do when you’ve been asleep and wake up realize that you’ve been masturbating in your sleep? I told my husband about this incident and he didn’t make a big deal about it. I felt guilty.
I know what you’re talking about! I’ll wake up in the morning and notice evidence on my hands, but I don’t remember doing anything. Two things trouble me about this: 1) I’ve wakened up to myself already in the act, and at that point, it’s a lot tougher to stop. It’s possible, but I more often than not have given in (and lustful fantasies are almost always a part of it after I choose to keep going). It’s frustrating knowing that just because I go to sleep not giving in does not mean I won’t be faced with the more difficult temptation later on in the night by waking up already started. It’s an issue of self-control with me as much as it is about lust.
And 2) It must be such a habit that I am doing the physical act, or at least starting it, in my sleep. The habit–actually, I’m going to use a stronger word–the addiction of masturbation has such a hold on me by this point that I will unknowing start it in my sleep. I don’t want that. That is bondage and I need Christ’s help to be free.
Get Christan tharpay for that
Leah,
Thanks for writing in and being so honest (even with us ladies ridiculously outnumbered).
Two things:
1. Your comment intrigues me because I’m not certain that we define ‘masturbation’ the same way. Women may fantasize in their sleep and therefore be aroused, but as for the physical purposeful act of masturbating- I’ve never heard from a woman who does that in her sleep. Not saying that it doesn’t happen, just that I’ve never heard of it.
2. Which brings me to my second point. If you are not purposing in your heart to do it, or making a conscious choice, then I don’t know that it is right to feel guilty. Does that make sense? Many women write in asking, “If I have sexual dreams in my sleep, have I sinned?” and my answer to them is “no.” Dreams are interesting things- sometimes inspired by what we have seen that day, or by our deepest fears, and sometimes inspired by nothing at all. If you are masturbating in your sleep or having sexual dreams you are no more guilty of immorality than you would be guilty of murder if you dreamed of killing someone.
If, however, you had a sexual dream, woke up aroused and then chose to masturbate, that’s an entirely different story. In that scenario, you choose. We don’t make conscious choices while we are sleeping. I wrote a blog on this a while back:
http://beggarsdaughter.com/when-rest-betrays-us/
That being said, if this is something that is occurring often, you might want to see if there are triggers for it and if there are ways to avoid those triggers. You are welcome to e-mail me if you’d like to discuss this in a less public setting.
Thank you for this post! I’ve struggled with masturbation for a few years now. Not regularly, but even then, that’s enough. I know I’ve not been honoring God’s temple.
I never thought I’d actually deal with this. I hate it. I love Jesus so much and feel so sick to think about this sinful act. I keep asking for His cleansing and forgiveness. I’m 31 and single, so loneliness is a regular visitor. This isn’t an excuse, just a fact. I’ve never told anyone about this. Just recently I shared this with a trusted Christian counselor, who I hope to be my accountability person in helping me, by God’s grace, overcome.
Please pray for me.
Thank you for this post. I was molested when I was a very young girl. Because of that situation I became addicted to masturbation without even knowing what sex was. No one can tell me that it is “right” or “healthy” because even in secret, and at the age of 6, I knew that I was wrong. I was never able to talk about it, find help, or allow God to step in to my situation. I felt trapped in a never ending spiral of lust, shame, guilt, disgust, and isolation. I grew up loving the Lord, and I knew that I was trapped in was sin. It really is a battle in the mind. I had to learn to seize control of every thought that crossed my mind. What you meditate on is what you eventually do. But after struggling with it for almost 15 years of my life, I took on this wrong identity. I felt dirty, disgusting, perverted, like a freak show, permanently damaged.
BUT Ephesians 2 says, “And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of the flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath just as others. But God who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been save), and raised us up together, and made us sit in heavenly places in Christ Jesus”
He sees me as pure, as righteous, as a holy daughter that He calls His own. Realizing that God views me in a completely different light than sometimes I view myself has been the most powerful tool in setting me free.
Now that I’m walking towards marriage, this article helps me see that the battle for change was worth it. I want to walk into this covenant with pure and selfless love.
Sorry to write a book… I usually never comment on anything at all.
Thank you!
Dear Kailey,
I was very impressed to read your post. As a youth minister for 23 years in my church, I have been given the chance to pray with many young people,boys and girls for Inner Healing. Through a Prayer teammate called Reliving the scene with Jesus, with profound results.
I think kids,teens,and young people are looking for love and acceptance. I have many Holy kids,teens,and young people because of thief struggle and healing. I think you are right in that women are treated very unlovingly by society and even by some Christians because they think it is more ok if boys struggle with Masturbation, but if girls or women struggle with Masturbation, they are seen as not normal or thought of as freaks. They aren’t ,they are just wounded by what they’ve been through in life. There is always HOPE!
Masturbation isn’t necessarily “self”, i.e. solo, nor is it sex. It is a sexual act that may be done to oneself or to another person. Since it isn’t sex, nor is it intended to replace sex, it doesn’t have to conform to anyone’s definition of sex. It is simply part of the sex drive, the desire to have sexual relations.
Since masturbation isn’t sex, then reason #1 fails. Since masturbation isn’t selfish, reason #1 fails again. Selfishness means to please yourself at another’s expense, or with disregard to others. Masturbation serves a valid human need, esp. in males, and is harmless and not prohibited by God. Some think that lustful fantasies are what makes it sinful, but they fail to properly define lustful fantasies, first of all, and secondly, if God thought it was wrong He would have said so, right about the time he warned us not to have sex with our pets and our in-laws. He’s not a prude.
Since having sex, having orgasms, is a healthy habit, not an ‘addiction’, then neither is having orgasms by masturbation an addiction. However, if a person is compulsive, using masturbation to alleviate emotional pain for example, that is a misuse of their sexual appetite. Most of the guilt and shame people have about masturbation is man made often by religious hypocrites, esp. if they’re males. There are some “down” feelings that occur after masturbation, among them a lack of prolactin that is in four times greater quantity post coitus versus masturbation. This chemical is what balances out the dopamine high of sexual pleasure. This naturally created dissatisfied feeling– though the body and mind has found some release through orgasm– is what causes part of the down feeling after masturbation. It’s purpose I think is obviously to prompt us to seek out a sex partner rather than be alone. It’s kind of harsh to pile more shame on people for a sexual habit that is so commonplace, harmless and one that God Himself chose to not discuss. Let’s not add to His word.
I agree with point number three, that there needs to be moderation as to devices, scenarios, romance ideas and toys. It’s the same with guys getting hooked on porn; they get conditioned to unreal situations.
It seems to me that the writer called masturbation “sin” without biblical warrant. God has given us His list of sexual taboos in Leviticus 18 and many of the things that some think are wrong, He has no problem with. I recommend going with His list which is consistent throughout the rest of the Bible.
I find it sad that the god myth is again being used to make people, or in this case specifically women, feel they are wrong/evil/sick to masturbate. Masturbation can be a problem where its practice takes too much time or turns the person away from friends, family or just living a fulfilling and productive life but like many things such as watching TV, reading, playing computer games it can be a fun and enjoyable thing to do when relaxing. Its widely held by medical experts that it is in fact not only a normal thing to do but that it has benefits to the individual and their relationship as it reduces stress, eases period discomfort, helps us get to sleep, makes us happy (if goddists don’t fill us with guilt!), helps us know our bodies and so makes partner sex more successful. In fact as its free, harmless, fun and good for us it should really be promoted and de-stigmatized, not made taboo. Yes I masturbate, sometimes alone, sometimes with my husband and I will continue to do so as its not immoral, its not a ‘sin’ and I’m not one of the psychologically damaged people that think a non existent god is there voyeuring them as they do it and judging them evil.
The premise of the whole post is masturbation “addiction,” which I think is would agree with your statement, “Masturbation can be a problem where its practice takes too much time or turns the person away from friends, family or just living a fulfilling and productive life.” That’s the nature of addiction.
However, I disagree with your statements about “the god myth.” Care to share why you think God is a myth?
I couldn’t agree more! Masturbation is not a sinful thing, nor does it lead to sin. Masturbation is only bad if it takes over ones life, or becomes an addiction. For a single person, however, masturbation up to several times a day is normal, not a sin, not harmful, not a cause of alarm. This is just another ploy to use a god to make people feel guilty about a very personal thing. I certainly don’t want some god watching over me when I am masturbating!
I’m following what you’re saying, but the chief source of disagreement you have with the author is not your opinions about porn, but your opinions about God. The key question for both you and the author is this: What makes you think you are right about God?
I have seen many comments from atheists on various sites. I do not understand what motivates them to deprecate someone else’s faith. Why do they care? They can “do their own thing” and as long as they don’t do it to others they are free.
This is not making any body feel sad this is showing what there doing is wrong avry body is going to have a hard time with a problem this is a Christan wib site so if you don’t like it why are you even here don’t complain about god and your on a site about him.
Please…i need help…it’s very difficult to fight lust…please…i was crying when i was reading this…i know i displeases God whenever i masturbate…and that’s what i hate .. i do what i know that is wrong…help me my fellow sisters in Christ…i’m struggling…
I confess that I am guilty of masturbation and by God’s grace I have resolved to fight and to keep fighting till I overcome it. I feel dirty and unworthy to be in God’s presence. I have asked God to forgive me everyday for 15 years now. I am a strong christian who lives in the secret sin of masturbation and I do not have the courage to confess to my father who is a pastor. I know that God wants the best for me and I hate myself each time I upset Him with this unholy and ungodle act. From today I have decided to pray everyday for those like me who are struggling with masturbation, that God will forgive and give us His strength to walk away and overcome this devlish act of masturbation and sex in my dreams. Thank you so much for sharing and for the advice on this page. It has helped me a great deal. I know its my lustful thinkings and desires that spur me into it and I denounce masturbation publicly here that it will never and can never have dominion over me again in he Name of JESUS CHRIST….AMEN. Lets pray for our selves for God’s deliverance. I feel relieved
I am a 17 year old who has struggled with the addiction since i was 7.I acknowledge it’s sin and i feel so much pain,anger and sorrow immediately after the act.God doesn’t have to decree it a sin but does your heart know it’s sin?Jeremiah the prophet says that the laws or rather the new covenant shall reside in our hearts.Therefore noone has to tell you anything is sin you just know it by yourself. Jessica i was impressed by your article but especially the comment about us not being dirty because Romans 8: 1 states that therefore there is no longer any condemnation for those who believe in Christ Jesus..thank you and may God bless you with peace and love that can only come from Him.
Look up stuff about how to avoid it .
I have struggled with this as well but I am happy to say I have not masturbated in a LONG time now. I think I have kicked the habit since it has been more than 6 months since I’ve slipped up and masturbated.
Praise God!
greetings,if I may ask…..how did you do it?
Good for you keep on going
This is a topic I have been going back and forth on in my mind. I just can’t seem to find a solid answer anywhere because it is such a gray area. I can remember masturbating early in my childhood just because it felt good. (I had no idea what I was doing at the time, and there was NO fantasy involved.) Now, as a single woman in my twenties, my sex drive is extremely high – and I definitely have a strong desire for marriage. The Lord, however, hasn’t seen to bring the right man into my life yet. I want to honor God and my future husband. Masturbation, for me, is not too frequent. It is a way for me to physically release built up sexual tension and also really helps my severe menstrual cramps. I have prayed about this time and time again. If masturbation is completely separate from fantasy, is it wrong? I can’t get a clear answer from anyone and it’s so frustrating. I have considered that I may be making excuses as in, “well, if I can’t have sex…how far can I go by myself?” I’m beginning to think that indulging in this may not be wise – because it opens the door for more later on and invites the temptation of sinful fantasy. On the other end of the spectrum, I just don’t get it. I want to get married – but there is no guarantee that will happen, which means no sex for a Christian. Would it be healthy to go through life without the sort of release that masturbation does bring? I hate not knowing whether or not I should feel guilty. All of the sexual tension I am experiencing drives me mad. I have had sex dreams in the past. More frequently, though, are dreams of simply being held, kissed, and touched. I want to be a godly woman – and I do not want to disappoint the man I hope to marry. Maybe this has become too complicated for me; I really don’t know.
Hi, Ruth,
Thanks so much for commenting and being so real. Please know that your questions are probably shared by every woman who has ever been honest enough to sit down and think through this issue. The questions you have asked show a lot of thought and wisdom. I don’t think you are making it too complicated. I think you are trying to honestly honor God with your life and make sense of His will.
It is such a gray area in our lives and in our culture too. So, instead of coming right out and giving a “Gospel-truth” answer about masturbation, let me put forward some thoughts that you can hopefully pray through.
Ultimately, you have to be convinced in your heart. I can sit here and try and tell you a hundred and one reasons not to, and then someone else can come by and give a hundred and one reasons why you should. This has to be something that goes ‘beyond’ reason.
1. Sex is not a right or even a need. Humans have basic drives- hunger, air, thirst, survival, etc. Our sex drive is our ‘motivation’ per se for reproducing. I like what one author said (paraphrased), “God said ‘be fruitful and multiply’ and then He made that fun.” However, of all of our basic human drives, sex is the only one that isn’t a necessity. You won’t die if you don’t have sex (you might feel like you’re going to at times).
In modern culture, we have come to expect sex. We demand it. It’s part of life. We have turned it into a need, and when God doesn’t seem to be meeting that need, we get a little creative in how to meet it ourselves.
2. Orgasm is not the only form of sexual release/satisfaction. I recently spoke with a woman who has been married for six years and stated that in that span she has only climaxed twice, yet, always feels satisfied when the encounter is over. She still feels bonded to and connected with her husband and THAT- not her own sexual ‘release’- is the intention of sex within marriage. It is two becoming one.
Masturbation, is a ‘fast track’ so to speak to the end result. Imagine growing up on microwave meals, then suddenly being asked to cook something for Thanksgiving. That process of cooking will seem, long, tedious, frustrating and prone to error. When it isn’t perfect (and it often isn’t), depending on your expectations, you might get frustrated. It’s messy. It’s complicated, takes patience, and practice but many people enjoy cooking, not just the eating part. It depends on what you have been trained to do. Masturbation trains your body to grow up on microwave meals- the only satisfaction is this, and now. (Does that make sense?)
On that same note, I find it very interesting that you seem to ‘struggle’ with romantic dreams. It’s like you’re eating microwave meals and dreaming of cooking. Ultimately, it seems like you are actually longing for romance, not simply sexual release which is actually what most women who struggle with lust and sexual sin are looking for.
3. Don’t worry about the disappointed husband. That can feed back into the cycle. You think about your future husband, and get worried that he will love you less because of this, so you begin to fear a lack of intimacy from someone you haven’t even met yet (which might explain the dreams), and then you get anxious, and sexually frustrated, and then you masturbate to relieve that frustration, and then you feel guilty, and you’re back at square one. Since, as you said, the husband is not a guarantee, cut him out of the equation and let this be a decision you make for the sake of honoring God. Any man worth his salt will extend grace, forgiveness, and compassion toward you.
So, to wrap this book up and specifically answer your questions:
Is it wrong without fantasy? My answer is yes. If sex as God intended is to be between a husband and a wife, then masturbation is outside of that intention, regardless of the fantasy. You are seeking the release without any of the ‘work.’
Would it be healthy to go through life without masturbating? Sure thing. It may feel like you’re going to go insane, at times, but there are other ways to relieve tension and to cope with the different things you mentioned.
I hope that helps. Please know I’m right there with you. Just turned 28 on Tuesday and still single. I get it! and it’s hard, BUT, I will say, the longer you go without it, the easier it gets. I’ll be praying for you!
I wonder if it’s too late to ask a question! But here it goes. I just started struggling with masterbation about a month ago. I know what triggered it. The fact that I just moved away from home to a very liberal area and the fact that I’m now away from a man I’m really smitten with. I fantasize about him constantly. And miss him a lot. Masterbation has made me feel So GUILTY! Especially since I’m lusting after someone who I just can’t have and am having to pay the price of massive guilt in missing him. I’m 22 and attending a university in Berkeley. The vibe of where I’m living has bluntly encouraged me to masterbate to release tension. The stress of studying here has built up in me, and there are times where I don’t feel so bad because I’m being told so often that it’s normal. But by not being in church anymore, of course I’m not going to hear otherwise. I just wanted to share my new struggle, so that’s why I’m commenting. But I do have a question about sex in general. Being so attracted to this man, I’ve been introduced to the fear of not being good enough for my husband because of inexperience. For some reason this thought of my future husband being so experienced brings fear in me. Is it really wrong of me to question how things are today? That it would be really really likely that I’ll end up with someone who isn’t a virgin, but I’m here trying so hard to value mine? I somehow feel that this is weirdly tied into my masterbation.
Anie,
I apologize for not seeing this earlier! I can definitely understand so many of your struggles- from masturbation to relieve stress, to conflicting feelings about whether or not it is OK, and how your choices now will play out in marriage.
First, let’s tackle the overall issue of your current struggle. You liked this guy. You wanted this guy. Now, you are missing this guy. To cope with that, plus deal with the added stresses of college life, you have turned to masturbation. It’s both a sexual release and a chemical release for you, giving substance to your fantasies and at the same time helping you escape your reality. I think you touched on one huge part of your struggle when you said you are not attending church anymore. What are you doing to grow your faith? Do you feel like you need to grow your faith? Because here is what can happen (and I am not saying that this is what happened with you, because I don’t know). We can get our minds and hearts set on something (a job, a guy, a car, whatever), and we don’t realize it, but we begin to idolize it. It becomes that important to us. Then, when it falls out of our reach, we can experience any range of emotions from disappointment to anger. This is often directed at God- the one we feel is supposed to love us. Doesn’t He want us to be happy? At this point, a wedge is driven into our faith.
Instead of stepping back and reevaluating our priorities, we can be guilty of wallowing in our misery or finding other ways of getting what we want. That is precisely what fantasy is. We cook up this scenario where we, not God, are in control and where we get exactly what we want. Masturbation gives us a physical reward for that fantasy. It feels good and makes us feel good, but at the same time, is draining because it’s one-sided and sex just wasn’t meant to be one-sided. So, again, we can experience a range of emotions from guilt to frustration.
When you throw stress into that mix of emotions, masturbation also becomes a way to relieve stress. Even without the fantasy, it is a means of escape. I know many college women who contact me struggle most during exams week. It’s just an easy fix, but it is a temporary one, and when it’s all over, that stress returns.
Alone, we might be able to handle any of these emotions. We learn how to cope with anger, disappointment, frustration, and so on, but when they all pile on us at once, they can smother us. So, the only means of coping we really know is escape.
I want to encourage you to unpack these different issues and tackle them one at a time because they are not as connected as you might think. First is this issue of the man back home. Instead of lusting after him, turn your desire toward him into a learning experience. It is not wrong to be attracted to a man, even sexually, but the reality is, this one is not your man. We are told to think on truth. Truth is: you are not married to him. What about him, though, attracts you? Are there character traits you find attractive? Maybe he’s a great leader, or sings bass, or has killer blue eyes- whatever those are, make a note of them. Then, make a note of some of his flaws. It sounds like you might have romanticized him and need to bring it back down into reality. If you can’t think of any flaws, then you don’t know him as well as you think you do.
Second, you need to plug in to the body of Christ somehow. This is especially true because you are in such a liberal area. You are one little light trying to shine in a storm, and you need the body of Christ for encouragement, accountability, and to speak truth into your life. Even if it is a Christian group on campus, find some way to plug in with other Christians and receive strength from them.
Thirdly, when it comes to the stresses of college life, I think you will find them eased greatly if you can shed this emotional baggage and get plugged-in to a community of believers. No, that doesn’t magically make your final exams or clinicals go away, but it will help them not look so huge. Even just having a group of friends to talk with can help you cope with that stress in a non-sexual way and in a way that actually helps alleviate the stress, not just numb it. When I was in college, I would go for regular walks with different friends, just to share what was going on in our lives, to help us not be overcome by different circumstances. It’s a pattern I still maintain to this day. I have found it is the healthiest way for me to deal with stress. Find a way that works for you- a way that actually relieves the stress- some people go for a run, some people write (I do that too), some sing. Learning how to properly cope with and avoid stress is an important life skill.
As for your concerns about sex in marriage, they point more to the character of the man than they do the actual issue of sex. No matter how experienced the two of you are, your first time together will still be your first time together, which means it’s a completely new experience, even if neither of you are virgins. It’s true that many Christians are having sex outside of marriage, don’t let the fact that you haven’t make you feel guilty, and if you meet a man who has, extend him grace. It does not make him better than you, and if he acts like it does, find yourself a new man- one who will respect you and the boundaries you have established for yourself.
(Wow- sorry. That was a book!)
Please feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you have any other questions. I will be praying for you.
Remember if you have value for yourself you can get someone with value go to church more .
Jessica: I have really enjoyed reading alot of your post and info. I have found them to be very good and accurate. Yes I do struggle with lust, for 40 years. that is another story. I would like to address the ISSUE of masterbastion (that is my struggle) and biblically is it wrong. In lev. 15:2-18 “2: Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.” The hebrew deffinition is seminal or menstrual Flux. For me if the man and anything that he has touched is unclean the that to me says it is worng. All throughout leviticuss talksabout unclean things and we are not to have part of that and avoid them. So I would have to a say based on leviticus masterbation is wrong.
I was really relieved to know I’m not alone in this masturbation struggle. As a 44 year old divorced woman, I’ve really struggled with missing sexual intimacy with my former husband. I too, like someone else mentioned, have awaked from very intimate and explicit sexual dreams and have masturbated often in my sleep. I have resorted to watching a good bit of porn the past few years, mostly because I really desire sex still, and I honestly don’t know how to stop. I feel a huge void, and I was never even sexually active until I got married at age 24. I was a virgin, and remained monogamous during my 18.year marriage. I do have to say, I equated sex with the feeling of being loved, adored, and wanted… and I still desire those things, badly. I think hormones have a lot to do with it too. My sex drive got really high when I got into my mid 30’s, and hasn’t really slowed down. I have had sex with other men since after my divorce, but somehow, masturbation has seemed like a better solution, because there’s no heartbreak involved. I wish I could stop, though. But honestly, having an orgasm is the most pleasurable physical feeling, and I don’t know the solution. I’ve even masturbated many times while recalling having sex with my former husband. Is that wrong? I just wish it wasn’t so difficult, and have often felt like sex only causes more problems than good. Thank you for this article. Again, it made me realize I’m not alone, and that I’m not weird, and that I too can use a lot of prayers to deal with this overwhelming desire.
Lyn,
Thank you for being so honest and sharing. I have to say I never really know what to say when dealing with divorced or widowed people who struggle. I feel like that struggle has to somehow be so different, and it’s hard to say whether it is wrong to recall sexual encounters with a former spouse. I wish I had a cut and dry answer, but I don’t. I can definitely speak to the issue of watching pornography. If you feel like you have always equated love and sex, watching pornography will continue to compound that lie. In other words, you won’t really be able to convince yourself otherwise (that love and sex are not the same) while actively watching porn.
I want to encourage you to pick up a copy of Sexual Sanity for Women by Ellen Dykas. I feel like it may offer some insight into your struggle and perhaps some help. A good portion of it is dedicated to untangling the sex=love lie.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. My parents divorced after 8 years of marriage, and it still bothers my mom 20+ years later. It is very heartbreaking.
Prayers with you.
Great insight i’ve gained through this post, everyone struggles with this, I believe we should focus on God, I can name you a few triggers to masturbation, some G-rated movies, dreams that led to choice, being too free(nothing to do), alone in a hostel, sex is a gift from God, we need prayers, patience, self-control, encouragement and motivation from God to stay pure until we get married, it is hard but possible, though I am still struggling, so my point is we can have sex within the boundary of marriage, outside of it you are sinning.
Thank you for this…. I am trying…it is definitely hard…but I am continuously pressing forward.
Thank you so much for this piece. How I wish there were a support group for young ladies struggling with this. I’ve struggled with this problem( I don’t like to say the word, makes me feel dirty ) ever since I was ten. I’m sixteen now, and I wonder, can I ever quit totally? Can I get free? It kills me. There’s so much guilt and self-loathing afterwards, and I just can’t understand why I decide to go back again and again when I know I get depressed right after. I want to be CLEAN. I’d very much appreciate it if you had some practical steps to quit. Thank you.
Hyy nicole I cn relate to what you are saying..I’m addicted too bt I’m few days clean incase u need to tlk I’m here.also I need sum1 to talk to
Though it hasn’t been clear about masturbation I feel as if it has effected my life style. Almost as if masturbating has become a routine for me and I don’t like feeling as if I need to depend on it. I just hope your steps will help me…
Well
As a 39 year old single chances to have a partner who is unmarried is slim to none, also it is said that is wrong to date a diorced person so I believe that dating is reserved only for singles. But I am in a critical age. Also most men marry for children and at 40 nobody would want a woman who is sterile. however most of my life was spent on making l.v. e with images in my mind, so i rarely aimed for a marriage relationship. I hd some intimate relationships in the past but i began to deslike the idea of being in a relationship because images of tv actors that are hot and imagination was more powerful than having to spent your sexuality with a husband for the rest of your life. I was always happy with it, went to church and confessed and had communion but this thing was so important to me that i would turn to it, even more because i have no parter. for some of you it is wrong but tell me what about a person who doesn’t attract a man? AND HAVE NO PARTNER and is at an age in which this can happen are slim to none? do you think it’s easy to quit thinking about two actors having sex when you are sleep or have free time, i rarely go out because all my friends that used to go out withme now found their soulmate and most of them are married not easy to find unmarried pals at my age…. going out alone is the only thing i weould do when i’m really fed up to be watching some movies or playing some ps3 games. which i haven’t done lately because i miss going out… the point is, why is life difficult for those who are satisfied with having sex alone? please help, if you want to email me i would be happy to hae a friend that i can email.
Its all right go on chiritsan mingal and find some
Good article. I too struggle with masturbation . I have been single for almost 5 years but the desire to self please is almost uncontrollable. I know we must rebuke the flesh and plead the blood of Jesus, but I allow the flesh to win. This is a disease to my souI. I want to enjoy pleasure in a marriage with the man of God that is coming to me. I just want stop giving in to lust. Please pray my strength in the Lord.
Thank you for this article and thank you also for explaining to several male readers who struggled through the post, that despite any temptation spurred, this topic needs to be addressed to women in particular. Just as this is so frequently done for “just men” and most women can’t even complain that we suffer too. It was helpful to get insight from someone else who struggled. Have you reached a point where the temptation never even arises any more, or is it still an ongoing battle? I’ve never been into porn in any way due to the fact the industry is built on the degradation and abusive treatment of people, the majority being women. Yet in terms of masturbation built on the idea of fantasy, has certainly been an on going struggle. I came from a physically abusive childhood, and my own father left the family when I was around 10 years old. I suppose in truth, wouldn’t know what a healthy romantic relationship would look like if it slapped me in the head…not only because of my home experiences growing up, but that even to this day as an early 20-something year old, have yet to experience any mutual romantic attachment at all, to anyone. That plus the fact my life and jobs have required a lot of moving, a lot of losing friends, a lot of feeling isolated and alone. Of course I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving an excuse for my behaviour, but I’m only trying to provide you a backdrop of where I’m coming from.
I suppose it’s still exceedingly difficult to get around the idea that masturbation is entirely selfish, I certainly know it can be but when I leave after a 9 hour shift and come back to an empty house, it hurts. No one to ask who their day was and discuss how mine went of dinner. Make dinner by myself, sit and eat by myself, watch the last bit of sun disappear in the sky by myself. How’s that presentation coming along that’s due the following day? I don’t know…no one to get insight from at home. You could take the bus and meet with someone to discuss it before work, oh but if I do that I need more bus fare for my job and that’s not an option… I start to think about what life would be like if I met someone who actually loved me here on this earth, what God has in store for me in the future. Deep down, all I’ve ever wanted out of life was to be able to express my love to someone unconditional and completely and that they might feel the same way about me. I’ve prayed about the matter more than I can even remember, been prayed for by others in regards to the issue, have fasted before in the past, and have read of the Scripture over and over again. And those things do typically help for maybe that hour, maybe a day, maybe a whole week or if I’m lucky, a month or over but than that loneliness will creep back up and depression seeps in. Sometimes fighting feelings of depression, feeling alone and unloved, is like fighting against the tide.
What makes matters even more excruciating is that the Bible doesn’t really address it in particular. It’s not about sex for me, it’s about marriage. Being able to care for someone inexplicable and have those feelings returned. In the Bible, it’s like oh have lust? Lonely? Get married. The Bible reconized most people will forever have this need to have a partner by them to confide in and share their most intimate feelings. With that being said, the Bibical phrasing nearly pins marriage as the go-to solution. Summarizing, not quoting of course, but it’s like it’s telling you For some people it’s that easy, but when your slightly on the Plain-Jane side and no godly man (nor anyone in general, haha) seems to be in the least bit interested in you in the romantic sense, it makes you wonder… Hmm is something wrong with me; I’m not pretty enough probably, godly men still want a looker; maybe it’s not God’s Will even though I’d like to care for a partner and have children, etc, my mother said she didn’t want me and my father left, why would you think any man would think of you more highly than they did, or maybe God just wants you to be His and no one else’s?… The list of self-worry and doubt goes on and on and on.
I just feel I’ve tried everything and after nearly 10 years of failing God…I don’t want to fail Him any more. Disappointing Him so many times has left me hating myself. At the same time, some small part of me can’t help but think somehow that He’s disappointed me a little bit too. All I wanted was a husband I could help care for and love who would do the same for me; a partner. The same thing GOD seemed to suggest, command even imply most people are conditioned for…but for me? Nope. Nothing but a bunch of empty promises, heartache, pain, self-deprecation and depression. What makes matters sting a bit more now is after all these years of prayers, close friends who used to joke they weren’t even interested in love are now either just happily married, closing on their 5 anniversary or expecting their first child. All the things I’ve ever longed for thrown in my face. I know I’m not the only one going through something like this, but I’ve just moved, new churches, new people. The Christians I know going through something similar are nowhere in meeting radius to me. I just feel trapped. If I didn’t care and felt I was entirely in the right, I wouldn’t be even typing all this now or have gone these years fighting like I have. I want to break the habit. Personally for myself, I know my masturbating is a sin not because my yearning for a husband is wrong or selfish but because its problems stem from both fear and doubt of God’s plans for my life. But after years of no results, sometimes it just feels like empty promises.
Oh, sweet Ami, you have no idea how much your comment resonated with my own life. I’m still single and turn 29… tomorrow, actuallly. Just last night I was having a very similar conversation with a friend. She and I had sat in church together several weeks ago talking about singleness and relationships, and as it always seems to happen, two days later a guy asked her out and she is on cloud 9. I joked with her that this it how it happens. I go out to dinner with a friend and we talk about singleness and next thing I know, she’s married. It is so easy to sit there and wonder, “God, what is wrong with me? Am I invisible?” I think the worst for me is when a guy I like comes to me for help with a girl he likes who doesn’t like him back. I seem to draw those types, and I have no idea why.
So, I definitely get it. I have friends who are done having kids because they already have 5. All of my college roommates have their husbands and families. My closest friends for the most part are all married. My younger brother is getting married in July. And you sit here and think, “If marriage is a good thing, and it honors God, then why isn’t He letting it happen?! What have I done wrong?” And then you stand in front of the mirror nit picking at how you look, how you dress, how you act, how you speak. You find the million and one things wrong with you and beat yourself up. I get it, painfully so.
I really wish I had answers, but I really don’t. Like you, I come home to an empty house, make myself dinner for two- because the leftovers will be lunch the next day. It’s rough, but I think what you are dealing with are a few different things that are stacking on top of you and crushing you a bit. Masturbation is a coping mechanism for you, not a “problem” per se. It is how you are choosing to deal with other problems in your life.
Honestly, if you want to shoot me an e-mail, I would be happy to talk with you more about this. I don’t want it to turn into the world’s longest reply to a comment. But to answer your basic question, this is something I still deal with, and like you said, it’s not always selfish. Shoot me an e-mail. Let’s talk.
Praying for you.
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for your courage and faithfulness in being a part of this ministry. I really praise God for how He is using your season of singleness to teach and encourage other women to fight for purity, a matter that is, as we believe so close to His own heart.
Firstly I want to say I know something of your struggle with singleness and loneliness. Wondering when your season for being a bride and a wife and a mother will come, whether or not it will come at all, and how to stay content and fully satisfied in Christ through your loneliness and desire for a partner. I battled those thoughts and feelings and by the grace of God spent much of those single years on my knees in prayer, communing with the Lord and just experiencing that perfect joy in the place of worship, but also praying fervently that He would bring me to my season of marriage, that He would ready both me and my future husband for that season and that He would hasten the day of our meeting. God bless your pure struggle my sister and I am praying for you and feel your heart..
Since then I met and married my husband and we are currently expecting our first child.
I realized that as many stories I’ve read and been truly encouraged and empowered by on this website, I’ve yet to come across one which helps me understand how I came to be enslaved in addiction to masturbation and pornography. I don’t know how common my experience and ones like it are, but I would say it definitely is a unique struggle that goes further and deeper than some of the causes to this type of addiction that I’ve read about on this website. So I wanted to share my story although it’s very long, in the hopes that it will help and encourage someone.
I was sexually abused when I was a very young child, so young that I had no idea what had happened to me only that I knew that I had been mistreated, and also that I did not feel safe. I never told my parents about what happened, and I remember always feeling as though I could not trust them to protect me because they hadn’t been there when it happened.
Shortly after, in pre-kindergarten (so when I was probably four years old), I was ‘introduced’ to masturbation by a friend in my pre-Kindy class. She would masturbate during nap time and would instruct me on how to do it. It felt good and having no well developed moral compass at the time, it became a habit. I’m pretty sure I masturbated regularly all throughout my childhood and adolescence without being aware of what I was doing or whether or not it was wrong.
Then there were a number of occasions throughout my high school and early young adulthood where I was molested and raped. I think by the time I was 21 I viewed myself as someone who was just destined to live her life being used, abused, mistreated and unprotected.
In the midst of all that mess, miraculously by grace I met the Lord and surrendered myself and my life to Him and was saved from my sins when I was 22. The Lord gave me eyes to see in the light of His utter holiness my own sin and how despicable it was. It grieved me to the bottom of my soul, how my flesh continually desired pleasure and satisfaction apart from my Creator and Giver of all good things. It was then that I realised for the first time how enslaved I was to my addiction to masturbation. It had become an idol in my life and powerfully contended with my worship and love for God. I knew the Holy Spirit was mercifully speaking through my conscience every time I felt that guilt and shame.
So I spent the remainder of my twenties as a single woman super vigilant about protecting my purity. I was young and zealous and I took strong measures to push temptations out of my life. I became a prayer warrior as I prayed against my fleshly desires and the deceit of the enemy. I spent more and more time in corporate and personal worship and my taste for corrupted, temporary satisfaction slowly diminished as my desire for the real and pure joys of God grew.
I went for years without masturbating or even wanting to do it. Every time I began to feel tempted, I remembered that pit of addiction from which I had been delivered by grace and the freedom that I now walked in. It was enough to make me turn away every time and choose purity. I wish I spent more time reflecting and giving thanks for that season of victory, as the Psalms teach us to do so that I would not have found myself walking back into that pit as I did in recent months.
When my husband and I married, we were faced with a struggle that totally threw us. I knew I was yet to fully heal from the wounds of the sexual abuse, I knew I needed to forgive my abusers and entrust them to the Lord’s vengeance. By grace, the Lord slowly brought me to a place where I was ready to take steps towards forgiveness. But the wounds from the abuse ran deeper than I ever knew they could. Our marriage bed suffered. I realised that while I knew in my head and through my intellect the theology of sex and marriage and believed it, yet in my body and somewhere deep down I still felt that it was an abusive and perverted act that left me feeling dirty, shameful and abused. It was so hard for my husband. I knew I was attributing the sins of my abusers to him every time he desires me sexually, but I did not know how to break out of that mentality. Sex was extremely painful for me as it is for many women at the start but it stayed that way for a long time after we first got married because I simply did not know how to relax and enjoy it. I felt that I was being used for pleasure and that it had nothing to do with love. I felt that I was being abused and coerced into something that I realised I had no desire for. I felt that it left me tainted and dirty instead of joined to my husband in a beautiful and sacred covenantal union.
It was scary because I had always thought that when I got married, sex would be wonderful and perfect, because it would finally be right and holy and good, it would be with a man who truly loved me and treated me with honour and dignity and had no desire to cause me harm. I still cry when I think about how much it hurt my husband to feel that I thought of him as just another abuser. I began to reject his sexual advances no matter how gentle, kind and romantic they were. I accused him of forcing me to have sex when he knew how painful and difficult it was for me. I accused him of being a slave to his sexual drive and for putting his physical needs above my need to heal and feel safe. It was a torturous time for both of us.
At the same time another issue from my past had crept in to wreak havoc in our marriage. My last relationship before I met my husband had ended with my boyfriend at the time cheating on me. This coupled with the abandonment that I had felt from my father my whole life left me with a shattered sense of self-worth which led me to believe that my husband was certain to cheat on me also, even though there honestly was no reason for me to suspect that he would. I began to research reasons why men cheated on their wives and discovered the lack of a fulfilling sexual relationship was the leading reason why men engaged in extra-marital sexual relations. I began to make up stories in my head about my husband cheating on me or having thoughts to cheat on me. I checked his phone and Internet history secretly every day, which yielded no evidence but I still let my imagination go crazy telling myself that if he wanted to hide a secret affair he was more than capable of doing so. Every time we went to our respective workplaces the morning after a fight I convinced myself that he was out sleeping with a prostitute. I had become irrational and delusional in my insecurities. I knew I needed to change.
My mistake in seeking change was that I did not turn to the Lord or to His wisdom and instead turned to the world. I researched ways that I could increase my sexual drive and desire for pleasure and came across hundreds of sources on the Internet that almost unanimously advised me to engage in masturbation and pornography to ‘get in touch with’ my body and my sex organ and to learn what I liked and didn’t like sexually. They instructed me to feed my appetite for sex by fantasizing and drawing up scenarios in my imagination that would activate my desire. There were links to pornography and erotic images which were to be used as resources and tools. Before I knew it I was on a downward spiral but I had convinced myself that I was doing what was necessary to save my marriage.
And that is where I find myself today. I am deeply fearful of how much greater my addiction feels this time round and am reminded of how Jesus taught that evil spirits sometimes return to the home from which they were cast out bringing seven other spirits with them. I fear that somehow the presence of this addiction in my life will affect my unborn child and that he and our subsequent children will also one day find themselves enslaved to sexual sin. I fear that I have no idea how to protect my children from this insidious and destructive sin and can’t help but remember how young I was when it crept into my own life. I fear that even if I can be freed from my addiction once again, that it will one day return with a vengeance when I am least suspecting it, just as it did this time around several years after I believed I was delivered from it.
I have to cling to the Cross and to the hope that my Saviour affords me by the spilling of His blood, by His finished work, that I have committed myself and my body to be a slave only to Christ and to nothing else, that freedom has already been bought for me, that His mercy is new every single morning, that His wrath against my sin was satisfied when Christ was slaughtered at Calvary, that the perfect obedience and holiness of Christ has been imputed to me, that I am now clothed in garments of purity and that I am always accepted and have access to God and that nothing, not even this addiction and all the shame and all the pain that it brings, can snatch me out of His hand. That I will not be free one day in the future, but that I am already free and can walk in that freedom right now.
Thanks for this website and thanks to all of its contributors for being at the frontline of the battlefield. I hope one day I have the courage to fight alongside you for the purity of my brothers and sisters who feel that they can’t fight any more.
Soli Deo Gloria!
I really appreciate this site. I hav bn encouraged. It’s no longer an addiction cos after struggling for many years God delivered me. I’m married now, my husband travels alot , I became lonely n d temptation I was delivered from crept in. TODAY, I hav received d Power to overcome. God bless all d positive contributors to this site.
Hi… Well I’m a teen girl 17 ___ and i have been masturbate for 6 years from now… And i am completely regretting every single time i do this… I hate my self.. That’s what masturbations gives to me… I hate how i can’t hold my self back when i’m alone.. And believe me i tried… I tRied.. Tried hard to get over it .but its no use… When i shower or I’m completely alone… I read your article and i’m really thankful for it but you know… I knew all this before… But there is no use…i knew God doesn’t like me to do that i knew it’s a sin… But.. How can i just throw it away? I think of killing my self would help but its more horrible than masturbation’s sin… So please i beg you tell me what to do… And.. Ah for some reasons I’m not hopeful you would see this.. The article is for 2012 n now is 2015… But thats always a little hope…thank you :-)
Hi I’m also a 17 year old girl struggling with many of your problems and I just wanted to say stay strong! You are right that this is a sin but this doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us! Please never be tempted towards suicide! I find that grounding myself to reality helps really well if I’m ever tempted… For example in the shower or just by myself I’ll sing or talk outloud and this helps me to stop fantasising! Really hope this helps and keep being positive
Thank you for this post. To the men who are frustrated that this is a trigger for them, I say that I have lived with guilt and fear of being discovered for nearly 40 years, because there was no appropriate place for me to confess and seek help, for fear of causing a male pastor or counselor to stumble. In a church where leadership is predominantly male, or lay-women have no experience of or professional training in these areas, women have to constantly censor themselves in what or with whom they share. Also, the lies that Christian culture has perpetuated about women and their presumed sex drives, or lack thereof, lead many to be incredulous that a woman could ever be tempted to sexual sin.
In the greatest love and respect, I say if this post or the fact that women struggle with this as well as men is an issue for you, then please seek counsel and direction elsewhere. The church community openly acknowledges and provides resources for men dealing with sexual sin, but continues to maintain the lie, by omission, that this is a men’s issue. Outside of ministries like these, women have no resources to seek healing and community, in the way that is provided and approved of for men. I am nearly 41 years old, have tried to seek help on several occasions within the church community, and this is the first time I knew that there was experienced, empathetic help available.
That said, this is my story: I don’t think anyone ever touched me, but I masturbated in my crib, before I knew what sex and desire were, and on through childhood. I found magazines in the bathroom where we were staying when I was 7, and that changed everything – I was fascinated, and couldn’t stop looking or seeking it out. Combined with a relationship with my dad where I felt alienated and rejected, my parents’ belief that there was no such thing as platonic friends between men and women, and my learning of my mom’s coping mechanisms from her own sexual abuse, and I don’t feel like I even had a chance at a healthy view of sex or myself. In spite of that, I believe what Scripture teaches about sex and the marriage relationship, and personal purity, and I want to honor God with my mind and my body.
I have never been married, never had sex, and my last date was in the last century, so pornography and masturbation help me to feel emotionally and physically fulfilled & connected; but only momentarily, and only in a way that I know is a shadow of what God has intended. But He has not yet intended it for me, and I continue to battle my frustration with the church’s ignorance or outright lies about what constitutes a healthy sex drive in a woman, and my own desire to be a chaste, holy, God-honoring, and yet fully physical woman. I believe God created us as sexual beings – physical union seems to be part of our design – so how do I honor & embrace that as a single woman, while remaining chaste, for such a long period of time? I can’t find any resources for that conversation. But thank you for starting this one! I believe tackling this is the first step toward healing, and finding some answers for the rest.
Thanks for the post. I have done this crazy thing for over 12years now and I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful man and God has blessed us with two lovely kids. Sadly I’m never satisfied with my husband, although he’s so passionate about our sexual life and tries all he can to satisfy me even though we spend up to 2 hours most times. I just want him done so I can finish up myself and continue when he’s not home most times. I feel so guilty and dirty afterwards, I can hardly face my husband and even kids cos I feel like a failure. Once my husband caught me in the act and hated me for it, he was disappointed that I didn’t all that after all he does in bed with. It took God to mend my marriage after that. He said the act of masturbation is an abomination. I was so ashamed of myself and hated myself . He forgave me, that was 5 years ago and till now he believes that I have overcome. Only me and God know that it’s a secret sin I’m still battling with, it’s even worse than before. It’s very sad cos I have a strong a strong affection for the things of God and I’m very active in my local assembly as a praise leader. It’s affects so much that I don’t want to worship God sometimes, I start questioning God….. where are you? can’t you remove me from this mess?…..the eagerness to stop is what brought me to this sight. I have good news for us all, recently I heard God telling me that He’s with me all the way, it’s a battle and I will win. I heard clearly that anytime I fall into this sin, I should bounce back immediately, ask for forgiveness immediately, worship God more, love my husband more, lay hands on my children and pray for the seal of exemption upon them which will exempt them from this shameful act now and in the future. I shouldn’t allow any atom of guilt around me. And that I should pray in tongues more often. I should deliberately enjoy fellowship with the Holy spirit. As I Continue to do this this, the devil will get tired and leave me. Dear sisters out there, you are not in this battle alone, we are in it together with the Holy spirit, always remember with God all things are possible. We will win. It is well with us. Nothing shall make us miss heaven, not even the foul spirit behind masturbation. The apostle said I find myself doing the things I don’t want to do and the things I should do I them not.. Hmmmm, u see there’s nothing new under the sun…. even d apostles had shortcomings but the Lord saw them through, they never gave up, we won’t, we will keep pressing. Masturbation is a big SIN. It’s sexual pervasion.
Hi Jessica, I’m 17 and I want to stop masturbating. I only do it at night and a couple times a week. Its hard for me not too because it sometimes itches there for I itch and start messing around. I also want to know if because I do this if I’m not a virgin? I’ve never had sex, I’ve only masturbated.
Hey there. If you want to stop, then I’d say think about what kinds of triggers you might be experiencing? Is there a particular set-up to the behavior? Things you’re watching or reading? If so, change that part of your routine, so that you create an environment that supports the behaviors you want to have, instead. It’s like if you want to lose weight: the first thing you do is get the junk food out of the house, and get healthy snacks in, right? Think about how you can do that with your regular night time routine. And yes, you are still a virgin. Thanks for asking! You’re really brave! Let me know how it goes, or if you have other questions–Kay
Hi, Aly,
I think Kay really did a great job of summing everything up. Definitely try to think of ways to alter your routine to make things a little more inconvenient. Check out what types of things trigger that for you or what areas can make you more prone to give in. Without being too graphic, if you are having a problem with itching, especially if it is intense or accompanied by strong smells, you should get it checked out by a doctor. If it’s just itching like how your nose itches every now and then, then it’s probably fine, but if it’s a pesky itch like a mosquito bite, then I would get it checked out. But yes, as Kay says, your virginity is not in question here at all.
Praying for you, sister!
Hi Jessica,
I’m 17 and I’ve been masturbating for 6 years. It’s like I’m torn between doing what I want and doing the right thing, but it seems like my evil desires always prevail. I just don’t know where to start! So many people look up to me and have high expectations of me, maybe because I’m a pastor’s kid. All my friends consider me a good girl, but I know I’m not. If people found out they would see me differently. I’ve been involved with sexual things from a very young age, but I’ve never had sex (and I don’t plan to until I’m married). I really need help! This addiction is controlling my life. I wish I never tried masturbation! But because I can’t take that back I am now seeking help. I feel so dirty and worthless; I know God has forgiven me, but I still haven’t forgiven myself.
I will tell you one of the first things I tell women who have stories like yours- stop believing the lies that you are dirty and worthless- because you aren’t. Perhaps the best place for you to start is actually with asking for the strength to not worry about what other people think. Don’t think of yourself as a “pastor’s kid” or “someone people look up to.” Focusing on what others think can drown you in guilt and shame and keep you stuck in that cycle. Start focusing on who you are in Christ. Change that perspective and see if that helps. It should! I would also encourage you to find someone you can tell. I know it’s scary, but sometimes the best thing for us is to tear down those walls of pride and self-protection. Praying for you!
hey there Darling am also a pastor’s kid so i know what you going through but you are never worthless.The Bible says that because He was tempted He shall help us when we are tempted.I’ve also suffered from this act since i was 7 and do i know that we are to conquer in Jesus name…search for someone who you can trust and is not judgemental for me it’s my mum it really helps.May God be with you.
I’m a 23 year old Christian who recently discovered this activity (far later than most, at 21, not long after a relationship ended.)
Does anyone have OTHER tips on how to break this? Just thinking about it, or not thinking about it, anything to do with the topic really, is a trigger for me. After having an 8 day clean streak, I was sick of being tempted, so I took to google to find tips on how to stop. And was triggered.
To be totally honest, all I want is to be touched and held and loved on. I could really care less about sex, orgasms and what’s in between my legs. And yet, I’m trapped by this activity.
There seems to be a lot of women who struggle with this too. All I want is to be free from it so I can get on with my life! This habit is making me feel dirty and sneaky, it’s making my want for a boyfriend stronger and really making me hate myself because I’m so weak against it.
I will say
-I’ve never used porn. Porn is gross.
-I don’t want to have sex.(any time soon)
-I believe this is detrimental to my spiritual life. The time I waste doing this I could spend reading my Bible or something.
The only “pro”‘s I’ve found to doing this are I’ve finally found where my clit is and it helps with my cramps. They don’t outweigh the cons. How icky I feel. How much I know I’ve let God down, especially after crying at the altar, rebuking this activity, praying for freedom and stuff.
My brain is addicted to it and I really don’t know how to shake that.
Can anyone help me? please?
Hey there. Well, as with any kind of obsessive activity, it’s complicated, and it takes time to resolve.
It’s partly a cognitive game: giving your mind other interesting, positive things to dwell on in general (hobbies, sports, conversations with friends); being encouraging to yourself mentally, even when you fail (okay, that happened. not the end of the world. I’ll just keep trying.); stopping your thoughts when they go to negative places, rather than waiting while you go deeper and deeper into where you don’t want to be. Some people will wear a rubber band on their wrist and snap it when the negative thoughts start. For some, that helps interrupt the patterns.
It’s partly a behavioral game: staying away from places, times, habits, etc that encourage the behavior, and finding new places, new habits that encourage healthy behavior instead.
It’s partly an emotional game: getting into healthy, nurturing relationship so you’re not medicating loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. with masturbation.
If you do think that you’re suffering from higher than normal levels of anxiety, or if you have other mood symptoms like crying a lot, outbursts of anger, etc., then you may want to see a counselor because you might have underlying emotional pain that’s driving the behavior.
And, on occasion, some people do suffer from brain chemistry issues that make them especially susceptible to obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. If you try the normal sorts of strategies like I’ve described, and you just can’t stop thinking/acting in ways that disturb you, then please see your doctor, especially if your thoughts/behaviors begin to interfere with your ability to function normally in life. In those cases, medication can be a big help.
Blessings, Kay
Tanx for the post. I truly understand cos my story is similar to urs. As children of God we should never allow d deceit of d enemy. We ar d Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, we ar His workmanship.. therefore sin has no power over us. God has already accepted us n we ar His very own. It is Well!
Great article. I’ve also struggled with masturbation and have been single for almost 5 years but the feel the desire to self please is almost uncontrollable. How does everyone else make it through these rough times and is there a fb group to talk to?
Hi Alex, I just saw your comment on this article. For me it’s very hard to abstain from masturbation too. And it’s difficult to find other single women who have the same struggle. I guess there is no FB group though because you cannot stay anonymous there! Anyway, I would be glad to team up with you if you are interested! Write me under sprueche31.30@gmail.com.
hi, i’m really struggling as to how i stop masturbating and watching pornography, i started doing it due to a certain event which happened during my childhood. Although i’m not doing it everyday but when i felt the urge to do so i found myself doing it despite the fact that i know that i am committing a grave sin, i know, i studied in a christian school and was thought religiously but once i wanted to do it i tend to throw away all those wisdom and started creating reasons just to cover up my guilt……i felt like i’m too dirty… i dont like to pray coz it seems like i got no right to talk to God…and no one knows what i am doing so i got no one to talk to…..please help me…i wanted to have a brainwash in order to delete all those sinful thoughts and in order to forget the root of it and in order to be confident to face anyone…i really want to forget and have a new life…..a life in which masturbation and all those pornography and all those dirty thoughts are out of it.
Help have been fighting this problem over and over anytime i think i have succeded(e.g 1-2 months abstistence) i fall even hardee it doesnt help that i have unlimited access to 18+ vids. Pray for me please
Thanks for commenting. What have you done to limit your access?
Help am 14 i have been fighting this thing since when i was a kid. and i cant speak put cos am regarded as a spirit filled person. pls pray for me
Thank you so much for this article. I’m a teenager who struggles sometimes with this and your words brought me to tears. God bless you. It’s wonderful to hear that someone else struggled and beat this habit and is willing to help others with it.
Thank you so much for this. I have struggled for many years now with lust and masturbation and have come to understand that it is the addictive nature that is the really dangerous part.
Tanx for the post. I truly understand cos my story is similar to urs. As children of God we should never allow d deceit of d enemy. We ar d Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, we ar His workmanship.. therefore sin has no power over us. God has already accepted us n we ar His very own. It is Well!
I’m glad I read your article it really spoke to me, I now know that I really need to stop reading Romance Novels & that God looks down on it. I have been struggling with this for a while. I’m 20 years old & there were a couple attempts this past New Year that I almost lost my Virginity, one was at a party & the other was at the boy’s house, however on the party I guess I was drunk & the guy wanted to do it, I guess those who were at the party said we dry humped, but nothing else happened, there was one part where we were in the bathroom & I kicked the boy off me, It just didn’t seem right, but the end the boy didn’t want to do it there but at my place & I said no. The next morning I was at the other guy’s house & he really wanted to be intimate, he kissed me & stuff but that was it. I told him no, I was raised a Christain, The Lord is in my heart & I swear he gave me a guilty conscience at the time, so now I’m waiting upon The Lord for the Right man to come into my life, at the right time & when I do meet the right one someday, I hope to marry & have a family. The lesson I learned is that it’s better to wait upon The Lord & so here I am still a Virgin, saving myself for Marriage.
Hi Shayna. I hope you’ll be able to continue to make healthy sexual choices for yourself. I want to say this, as hard as it may be to believe given all that we hear in our culture and even in church–a good marriage relationship is about way more than sex. In fact, after you’re married, only a teeny tiny fraction of your life will be taken up with sex. The real quality of your marriage relationship is based on (the research says) the quality of your friendship with your partner. I think in order to have a good, quality friendship with your partner, you’ve got to have a good, quality friendship with yourself. Know yourself, be happy with yourself, and then be honest with other people about that. Real friendships will happen, and maybe even life-long friendships. I would say, find the place that honors who you are, and who God is in your life, and then make healthy choices for yourself from that place. A group like Celebrate Recovery could be a huge help as you think about who you are, who God is to you, what you want to do with yourself, and how your own personal boundaries can fall in line with your values. Blessings, Kay
My problem is that I get in a good place and I’m happy and won’t for awhile and then I think about it even if it’s just for a second and can’t stop until I do it. Even if I tell myself I’m ok and can overcome a louder voice says “you know you will anyway so just do it”. Is this an addiction? I don’t think so idk I’m not sure…I’ve stopped before for two years, and idk how I started back up again. I know that it is the source of lonliness. I’m afraid that God isn’t sending me a husband because of this…any advice or help please would be appreciated. I just turned 20 and am trying to turn myself around.
Hey, it’s good to hear that you were able to stop for a while, so you know it can be done. One of the things I’ve found is that it’s really hard to build a healthy life around “NO.” I think we all need a lot of “YES” in our lives to draw us toward health and healing. You made such a good point here about loneliness, and I wonder if you’ve had a supportive community around you in this at all? Here are a couple of places you can look for support. Beggar’s Daughter, and <a href="http://www.beautyinbreakdown.com/" are both blogs where women talk about their sexual struggles. Dirty Girls Ministry has an online community, resources, and even personal coaching available. Try saying “YES” to community, and let me know if that helps you move forward. Blessings, Kay
Thank you for this post. I strongly believe that masturbation is a sin, but I also admit that it’s one of the hardest to overcome. Like one poster here said that it’s the “most pleasurable physical feeling”. I did it again last night, after 40 days of sobriety – and I feel so ashamed. I wish there was a quick fix for this – something that would make it easier for me to abstain, but I realize there isn’t. There is a spiritual book called “Steps to Christ”, which has really helped me. There it says that everything depends on the “right action of the will”. Yes, we need to exercise our willpower to overcome this destructive habit. May the Lord help us all!
matter out of hand…i started it in 2007 after being instructed by a friend and it not signalling an end button…the main issue is that i cant keep a relationship no matter how i try.I dont value girls anymore which i perceive as a threat,i dont value God and i hate the believers ever since.ok for that time that i’ve jerked off including today im not at peace with myself.i dont concentrate on my life!!!!
hey it is becoming fatal and everything i do to stop it,it develops mutation!..im worried
whoever can try to help me change,i will be very grateful
I was once an eddict also but the lord delivered me and i pray that your guys also get deliverance in jesus name
Hi jesca,
am END TIMES INTERNATIONALfrom uganda -kampala thanks this network with all co-partners,am a christian too but i just want to request if u can make also outreaches in uganda also in form of seminars because i have noticed the addiction is over strengthening most believer then for those who want to let go the addiction be consistent in prayer and see 2corinthians:12:8-9
We all know inside our hear that this sin but we ignore it to be self rigorousness, i have been struggling with it, What i have i learn is Every Pleasure must be bought at the price of pain,there is difference between Fake & pure Pleasure, Fake Pleasure you pay the price after you enjoy it & true pleasure you pay the price before you enjoy it
Stopping with masturbating is really about avoiding triggers. 30-80% of the internet is porn. So behind every corner is a trigger that can lead to masturbation. I recommend downloading or installing porn blockers. The easiest thing to start is downloading safe search.
My negatives after masturbating.
When I matsurbate I’am not alert, I have anxiety then, less confidence, and my work results are worse.
If you are thnking about stopping then I recommend you to try out 7 days and see what the results are.
Good luck!
Thomas
I had a question from the more practical concerns about masturbation, if that’s okay.
I’ve masturbated for nearly as long as I can remember (since I discovered the feeling when I was young), and had never gone more than a month without it since puberty. For the past several years, I’ve never gone more than a week or two without having to relieve the pressure.
But, I had lately come to wonder if this activity was dishonoring to God with my body. Accordingly, I have stopped all activity and determined that anytime I struggle, I would use it as extra time to spend with the Lord and my Bible. So far, by God’s grace, I had avoided all physical stimulation (though it is never far from my mind) for a good while now.
However, I’m now finding an unhappy side effect: my menstrual cycle, which for years has been quite regular, down to me usually knowing the precise day that it would start weeks in advance, has suddenly begun to vary drastically. Now my period is often delayed by a week or more, and I’m never quite sure when it will start. I had noticed this effect before, that months with more or less masturbation led to a variance of a day or two earlier or later in the cycle, but hadn’t really considered it as important.
Although I very much want to continue to honor God with this part of my life, this, to me, is a very serious consideration that I don’t know how to address. In my opinion, masturbation just to keep my cycle regular would be worth it, apart from the physical and mental release. If I am able to keep my mind free from lustful thoughts and am not doing it for addictive reasons, is this activity still sinful and dishonoring?
Please, any advice you could give would be most helpful. I’ve prayed for so long, but really don’t know how to address this issue.
AJ,
Thank you for reaching out. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I am not a medical professional by any means, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk with your doctor about it at your next physical. However, here is a theory, and it is only a theory. I don’t know you or your medical history.
It is a proven scientific fact that stress can alter a woman’s menstrual cycle, even causing her to miss it completely at times. Similarly, many women use masturbation as a way to cope with stress. The chemicals released during orgasm are, essentially, stress fighters. So, with the limited information I have, it sounds as if your body has gotten used to orgasm as a means of coping with and managing stress, and when your stress is managed, your cycle is normal. When you are not managing/relieving the stress, it pushes your cycle around. So it’s not necessarily the masturbation that’s regulating your cycle, it is the benefits of the masturbation. That’s a theory, and if that’s the case, there are other methods of getting that same chemical release without masturbating.
I honestly would encourage you to evaluate the stress levels in your life and figure out how you typically cope with them. It could be very beneficial to you, in the long run, to either reduce stress (but I totally get it if you’re a high-strung person; I am!) or find another way to cope with stress/tension.
As for whether or not it’s sinful and dishonoring, I could spend an entire blog post discussing that and probably still not be any closer to an answer. There are some women who have a health condition that almost necessitates that they masturbate multiple times a day or else they experience debilitating pain. Addiction, to me, is a cut and clear issue, but masturbation specifically falls in more of a dark gray area :) There is no Biblical context to cite to say, “Yes, it is definitely wrong” so I usually defer to Biblical principles.
However, in your case, I really think it has more to do with stress and coping. If that is not the case, I cannot think of any medical reason why habitual masturbation would be necessary to regulate your cycle. I would recommend that you ask your OB/GYN. They know about that much better than I do.
Lucy
I have been strugling with masturbation for over ten years. Am a teenager am a ashmade of what i doi cant even face my parents sometime.i really need your help please for i dont want to continue like this
Hi there, Lucia. Finding help as a teenager can be a challenge, I know. Here’s a link to our resources for women who struggle with porn and masturbation. There are blogs and communities there that may be helpful to you.
My other suggestion would be that you find a safe adult who can help you evaluate the situation and see if you need help from a counselor. I’m a counselor, and I work quite a bit with adolescents. When I hear a teenager say that’s they’ve been struggling with masturbation for over 10 years, that makes me wonder if there are other issues underlying the current concern. Is there a history of abuse? Is there an underlying anxiety disorder? I don’t know, but those are questions that I think need to be explored here. Many times, when I see teenagers with long-standing sexual concerns, there are other issues like abuse or anxiety disorders that need to be addressed.
I don’t know who’s safe in your world–maybe a school guidance counselor? I wonder what it would be like to just talk with your parents about this? Again, I don’t know how your world works! But the long-standing nature of this does cause me to feel concerned for you, and I think you need help to untangle all this, from someone who will be understanding and helpful and NOT shaming to you. Here’s an article I wrote for To Save A Life that talks about how to know if you’re with a safe adult.
There’s so much shame around sexuality in general in our church culture, and the more shame and anxiety we feel, the more we need to make that shame and anxiety stop, and then porn and masturbation are right there to distract us–only they just end up feeding the cycle all over again.
I think in treatment you need behavioral interventions–changing your habits, getting your devices clean and accountable, etc. You also need emotional processing for the shame, which is where counseling can help–and also being in community with others who are recovering (that’s where blogs and online communities can help). And then if there are underlying issues like abuse or an anxiety disorder, those should be addressed as well.
Of course if you need counseling beyond talking to a school guidance counselor, you’ll need your parents’ consent. I realize it’s hard to take that step of talking about what’s going on, and you’ll have to weigh what it means to keep on alone, against telling some safe adults in your world and hopefully getting support.
Does that help at all? Please let me know if you have more questions. Blessings, Kay
You have to be honest with your parents there here to help you in life that why god gave them to you
Thankyou so much, :)
Thank u kay, the truth is that i have tried to end my life but i it has not succeded.This blog is where i feel like i am healing my wounds. Am afraid kay to talk to anyone
I fear that they will despise me thats my greatest fear.Do you think God hates me? I request that you pray for me and can u send me bible verses that can motivate me.
Lucia, God IS Love–that’s his entire identity (I John 4:8). He is not capable of hating you. He loves with an everlasting love. Your name is written in the palms of his hands. (Isaiah 49:16) God’s love for you does not depend upon what you do or do not do. God’s love for you depends upon God, always faithful, always true, always loving, your Creator and sustainer and the Lover of your soul. He delights in you (Zepheniah 3:17).
I going to continue to encourage you to find a safe person to talk with. I think you desperately need a counselor, right now, as soon as possible. You are NOT alone. You are NOT the only person struggling through.
There are safe people who WANT to help you and support you in your recovery, and who will help you to experience the love God has for you.
Please find a counselor in your area today.
I will continue to pray for you. Blessings, Kay
Hi,
I’ve struggled with masturbation ever since I was about 15 years old and I’ll be turning 20 in just a few months. This is an issue that has really convicted me for years. I have a good for a few weeks sometimes a month and then I fall all over again. I pray about it, but then I fall back into the same cycle. I was able to tell a friend of mine just about three weeks ago about what I’ve been struggling with and he keeps telling me to tell an adult that I trust. There’s an adult that I’ve known since I was 8 years old, but I’m so afraid of being looked down upon that I can’t even work up the nerve to talk to her nor any adult for that matter.
It started reading a Nora Roberts book and then it went on to smut in Fanfiction (fans writing where they can make their own stories involving characters from different books, comics, TV shows, etc.). I used to write Fanfiction as well (not smut, I refuse to write smut). Fanfiction was all I ever did from the age of 14 and I when I watch anime I go into writer mode an I imagine fantasy scenarios of adventure and fun and then I read the Fanfiction and it goes on from there. I don’t know what to do. I get bored so easily Fanfiction is the only thing that can hold my attention for hours and I won’t get bored. I know I need to cut it out and the only way that I’ve thought of was cutting out the use of internet, but I need internet for homework.
I know God loves me and I know He forgives. Sometimes when I’ve prayed I’ve been crying because I’ve felt God’s love and His forgiveness. I would do devotionals and pray to God for weeks and then I just fall out of it eventually. It’s difficult for me to explain, but I really need help.
The summary of it all is that : with God all things are possible, you have to put God first in whatever you are doing, always pray..God Is always there to help., call on him he shall set you free, I don’t know who am talking to right now but the lord said I should tell you that you are not alone.
I’ve been struggling real hard since I experienced sexual desires since I was 17. I’m sexually active and until now I’m 27. I have broken relationships with my boyfriends and I felt like I’m not blest while having a relationship with them. I tried to be good and ask God and promised not to do it all over again but everytime I prayed, I easily get tempted and even do masturbation all the time by myself. I felt so addicted with sex since then. I want to change my lifestyle now but its very hard for me to stop from doing this so. I felt like I have this habitual sin eversince and I’m afraid that God will not bless me anymore because I always fails Him. Please help me pray as well that I will stop my sexual drive and desires of masturbating. I want to live with Christ and become pure and holy again. Thank you.
I’ve been struggling with porn and masturbating since three years ago, I used to it every night, and I used to feel like a hypocrite, going to church and yet struggling, and I used to try quitting and failed, and I tried quitting because I felt like my desires were getting worse, and then I noticed that if I went a weekend without porn, I got very irritable and had mood swings, and my addiction to caffeine made it worse. And I’ve fornicated two times and I’ve sexted but I’m ashamed of it too
But now, I’m glad that I’m three weeks free, and I don’t want to relapse and need help with my lustful thoughts
The reason I decided to quit was because a pastor came in my house and was blessing it, and told me and my sister that she felt like there was fornication there, a couple years ago, yes I fornicated (second time) with my boyfriend and no one knew, and that was my wake up call, and since then I’ve wanted to confess my porn addiction to someone but it’s like something shuts my mouth or I don’t get a chance, and I don’t want to tell my family because I’m afraid of what they might think of me, since when they found out that I fornicated (first time), one of my sisters confronted me at church and I cried, and then made me tell my mom, and then the gossip spread about that, and my aunt told me that can’t let my sister put me down verbally like she did that time and I cried (I rarely cry) because my sister’s daughter acted worse than me, yet she criticized me and I just feel like we don’t have a good relationship because I feel like trash when I’m around her because of that time
And well I need advice because I still get cravings and I don’t want to relapse
I’m sorry it’s long comment but I don’t have anyone I trust that I confess this to
Hey there. I wonder if you’d find counseling helpful? I think you might be experiencing a lot of shame and silence around your sexuality, and I think being able to talk with someone could help you with that. I think that the more we’re able to be our true selves, and allow God to love us as we really are, the more we’ll be able to make healthier choices about our sexuality, choices that are based in God’s love for us and our value to him, rather than our shame. You might also appreciate connecting with other women who are thinking about the same things. Here’s a link to lots of blogs and other resources. It’s interesting you’ve noticed that irritability when you stay away from porn; there’s definitely a brain chemistry connection that comes porn use. You might like to read about that in our free download, Your Brain on Porn. Peace to you, Kay
If he’s for you doj g bad sexual stuff than don’t be wiut him but if he feels guilty and wasn’t to deck forgiveness thsn both of ya can try to find your way togater.
I don’t know if this is going to work out for you guys, but I’m going to tell you what I did when I had this problem, whenever I masturbate , I’d look around me and say yeah I did it again, I was always happy with it just at the age of 17, but it got to affect me spiritually, I don’t know if you know what I’m talking of ? I started having backslides in my daily activities, and my conscience grew so heavy, all these happened because of my personal relationship with God. He’s every where, I don’t have any other way to explain this but to just link it to God . I do a lot of worldly things, but because I have a personal relationship with God, I don’t hear his voice in fact I can’t say I’m a prophetess, but it’s about noticing it when you are a beloved and you do something that is just too wrong like mastutbating which is defiling the your body ( his temple ) somethings would change around you and it’d give you that instinct that you need to change. I wouldn’t blame anyone because ADDICTON is the tool that the devil is using on most people these days most especially the youths. So please create a relationship, a personal way in which you search for him and you’d see him , tell him to teach you , follow his ways they are probably some things we do that hinder our prayers, quit those things, and I’m very sure if you have a personal relationship with God, he’d give you the gift of the holy spirit, the holy spirit will show you what to do, because I tried a lot of things then, I told my pastor, I prayed hard when I discovered it was affecting me but it all seems to be in vain , not until I moved closer to God with my filthy sins and here I am, I’m cured, Don’t forget the devil is like a hungry lion looking for whom to devour
I have been suffering from masturbation since I can remember. Although when I was a kid, I didn’t know that was what it was. When I got into secondary school, I was ten and that’s when I knew what I was doing. Later I also started looking at pornographic materials. Please I have tried and tried to stop with no solution. I know it’s a sin and I need help. None of the online groups I know are free and I need help. Please reply
Thank you for being courageous, Louisa. Pornography and masturbation thrive in dark, quiet places. In the light, everything is so much better! Do buy into the lies that you can’t talk about it. Is there a trusted friend who can help hold you accountable?
Chris
I’m in the same case…today we’ll promise each other not to do this worst thing again…and even we’ll ask each other daily that either we maintained our promise or not..
Cris,
No, I don’t have anyone that I believe I can talk to. I would have told my sister but I’m scared that I’d be rejected or she’d be dissapointed in me. Then tell my parents. I think I’d prefer telling someone that is not my relation. My parents are known by most of the pastors in my church, so I’m even scared to tell the pastors. For fear that they might have been expecting more from me, knowing my parents. It’s all so confusing and painful. I often cry about it. Especially when I fall again after weeks or even a month of not masturbating
Hi Louisa, I would suggest finding a counselor who can help you process through what’s healthy for you, sexually speaking, and who can help you create healthy boundaries for yourself as well as support you in the new behaviors you’re wanting to create. Just being able to say the words out loud to another person is enormously helpful and freeing. Peace to you, Kay
I think you should go to another church tharapy place to get help for that.
Thanks Kay
I have struggled with this issue, because I don’t feel any guilt or shame over it. I have never viewed pornography and am pretty careful about the forms of media I partake of. I have never lusted after anyone, real or imagined, while masturbating. I know lust would be wrong, especially because I see it as so unkind to others. In fact, the one thing I am certain of as a single with no prospects is that if I found my self interested in or dating, I would have to stop cold turkey because of the risk of them entering my thoughts while I engaged in that action I have asked God to convict me if it is wrong, and to help me stop too. What happened is He revealed to me that the root of it isn’t merely sexual for me, but wanting to know that some part of my body is normal and natural because I have become so depressed by and begun to hate my overweight body. I spent many years so afraid of marriage (I grew up seeing abuse against my mom) that I allowed the easy weight gain of PCOS to happen unchecked so that men wouldn’t notice me. A year ago, God finally got through to me to trust in Him, and I admitted that I would like to be married some day. After never really having considered my sexuality before, feeling just ambivilent to, occasionally even annoyed by, the idea of sex for my entire adult life, 5mo before my 30th birthday I suddenly realized I had a libido, and a strong one. After 3 months I finally got curious enough to touch myself, and explored what felt good. It was only ever me, alone, feeling nice. I never used anything but my physical self in an actual place to feel that way: no fantasies, no images, no one real or imagined. I was confused by the fact that I felt completely no guilt, although I had heard it discussed as wrong at church many times, and felt like surely a good Christian girl shouldn’t want this, but I was and I did. But, I did see that it very quickly became something I craved to feel. Masturbation soon became a “quick fix” for depression over a body I suddenly couldn’t stand to see was so unhealthy during a short period of great stress while finishing my MA thesis and having a close friend “ghost” me in the midst of it. I don’t think masturbation in itself is necessarily good or bad, but definitely not the solution to the problem I’m facing. I talked to my mom about it and she said she thinks that I am innocent in intention because I didn’t really know if it was wrong, but still sought counsel and prayer over it, still ultimately want to please God even though I felt more confused than certain of wrong. She also said that I needed to work on stopping because it could be an addiction and self control is a fruit of the spirit. Soon after that was when I realized that the masturbation had come out of hating my body. When I realized this I felt deep remorse and guilt over allowing myself to be so unhealthy and repented for abusing my body that way. I talked to my mom again and she said she understood how it feels to know you have sinned against your own body. She said that spending more time in the Word and in prayer, relying on God for strength, will result in self control regarding my body and my physical health overall. I know shes right. Its hard, its slow going, but I know God is helping me. I think that masturbation in itself is not necessarily bad, but it usually isn’t neutral or just permissible because it is so often tied to sin or a big problem whether as a result or as a potential gateway to it. I think its important to get to the bottom of why it is a habit, because most habits come out of some other issue being overlooked whether stress, body image, relational-disconnectedness, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. And I do think that self control comes out of the Spirit so relying on God is even more important than being self-disciplined. If you can pray for me to keep turning to God and stop hurting my body I would be blessed by that.
Amanda, what an enormous gift of wisdom you’ve shared with all of us here. I think MANY of us will be able to relate to hating our bodies, just as I think many of us can relate to using all kinds of good gifts as self-medication for pain. I wonder if some of the self-hatred might also be healed in safe, healthy relationships with others. It sounds like your relationship with your mom is helping in that area. If you haven’t been in therapy, I think you might really benefit from a good, safe counselor, maybe someone who’s experienced in trauma work. You already have these wonderful insights, so you’ve done a ton of work on your own already, but I’m thinking the relationship side of therapy could be so helpful as you work on reconnecting to yourself and to others. If you don’t like the thought of counseling, spiritual direction might be another safe place to connect. I do think there is something real and true about that whole “body of Christ” idea–God meets us in each other, and heals us there. Peace to you, Kay
Help! I’m a christian single women who has struggled with pornography and masturbation for many years. I’ve copied off two of your articles that speak specifically to my situation. But until recently had not told anyone. Their only response was that they would pray for me, don’t get me wrong ;I believe in prayer but with my continued slip ups, I believe I’m missing something. What that something is maybe support of some kind and accountability. I really don’t have either at this time. I’ve tried in the past making up my mind to not look at the images or do the act again but I always seem to fall back into that same old pattern again.
When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by different male figures in my life all the way into my 20’s, people who I trusted and felt that somehow I had no right saying “no” to them.
Can you help me in anyway at all? Thank you
Hi Rachael. I think you really need to find a counselor who can help you heal from all those years of abuse. I suspect that the porn and masturbation are symptoms of that abuse, and I think that healing the deep-down pain of abuse will mean you are less needful of those surface coping mechanisms. There are directories at Psychology Today and The American Association of Christian Counselors. Look for someone who is experienced in treating the trauma of sexual abuse. Peace to you, Kay
I think you should get therapy for the sexual abuse because that can be one of the resouns you have this problem
I started masturbating at age twelve and now I’m twenty three. I want to stop it because, God wouldn’t support me in this endeavor. And I want to be a true virgin, not a half baked one.
I just thought I should expose myself, I think it’s a step towards breaking the habit.
Thank you for your post, I learned something.
Getting it out in the open is a great step. Now, keep it out in the open by finding a real, trusting human you can talk to. Those 11 years of bonding with that habit will not stop easily. Freedom is completely possible, but it will take work. You can do it! God can do it through you! He is for you.
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
I have my girl cousin.. she bravely admit to me how she was addicted with masturbation. She was raped by my uncle when she was 5 . According to her she was not raped by one person only. I think that was the cause of her addiction. She is now 30 without getting married because she was afraid that no man will accept her. I’m younger than her. And I don’t know how to give her advise. I just listen to her and told her that it’s not her fault. But actually I think it doesn’t help.
Hi Gracil.
First of all, I’m so glad that your cousin has a friend in you. Thank you for being a safe person for her. You said EXACTLY the right thing! It’s not her fault!
Secondly, you are SO wise to see the trauma of sexual assault as a trigger for her current struggles. If she had been hit by a train, she would have been hospitalized and given all kinds of treatment. Sadly, sexual assault so often goes untreated because the trauma can’t be obviously seen. However, the impact of the trauma is long-lasting and often severe.
Your cousin still needs help to heal, and the good news is: she can get it!
She needs to find a therapist who is experienced in working with victims of child sexual assault. There are therapist directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors, and Psychology Today, where she can read therapist profiles and find an experienced therapist in her area. There are also community-based non-profit organizations that specialize in assisting victims of sexual abuse. Your community may have a “Family Advocacy Center” or a “Child Advocacy Center.” Do some Google research around “counseling for victims of child sexual assault” and see what is available to you.
Again, thank you so much for being that safe person for your cousin.
Peace to you, Kay
Thank you so much Kay. .God bless you.
You’re so welcome! Hope that helps!
Hi, I have come here for guidance. I have been masturbating for years since I was little going to be 21 soon. Lately it is been hard for me to stop I pray but I always fail.
Hi Sierra,
Thank you for coming to us for guidance. It is my hope and prayer that you are able to read other comments on this post and realize that you are not alone – and, that freedom from masturbation is possible! Quitting this habit can be difficult, as many have discovered, but I want to encourage you with 3 action steps.
1. Reach out to a trusted friend or mentor and share your struggle with them. Ask them to keep you accountable, pray for you, and encourage you daily as you seek freedom.
2. Take a look at what habits and triggers in your current life might be causing you to succumb to masturbation. Get rid of these habits and replace them with healthy hobbies and habits.
3. Keep praying! Dive into God’s Word and ask him to give you the strength to overcome this. Do not give up hope.
You are strong, and freedom is worth it! I am praying for you.
Blessings,
Moriah
Thanks KAY plz I need help am 23 now and am a medic..not married but in a relationship…I do sex with my bf but am never satisfied until I masterbate on my own. Am so heartbroken and I feel bad after doing it. Plz help mi stop av been doing it since 3yrs back and I delight in it.
Florence
Hi Florence,
I think shame is a huge driver in the masturbation cycle, and I think the key to dealing with shame is to start talking with safe people who will help you without judging you. I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you talk through what’s going on, and help you process what’s normal and healthy for you sexually. There’s not a quick and easy answer, but there is help, especially when we block shame from ruling our lives. Peace to you, Kay
Please help me pray I have struggled with this for 2 years now I’m so fed up with it I’m tired of having to feel like I need to do
I’m just lost I know I’m going to heaven I asked Jesus in my heart I know I’m saved I just made a wrong turn and now I can’t stop your story gave me hope thank you so much
Please pray for me
I needed the encouragement
Hello, Krista – you are courageous for speaking openly! Staying in the light is better. A wrong turn doesn’t determine your destiny. Our God majors in forgiving wrong turns. Fresh grace in the morning. You CAN do this but only with Him and with others you are walking with (accountability). I will post this reply and then pray specifically for you.
Peace, Chris
I have struggled on and off with masturbation for nearly 11 years now, and every time after I do it I pray to God confessing my sin, but then I go do it again in the future. Twice I even wrote out a covenant to God and signed it, thinking that would end it for good, but it didn’t work. I am determined to quit, and by God’s grace I will. I take great comfort in Romans 6, where it talks about how we as Christians are not slaves to sin. It’s hard when I feel like I’m enslaved to this, but God is so incredibly patient and loving, and I know He won’t give up on me, even when I feel I’ll never get over this addiction. And I don’t even do it because I’m lonely–I have a boyfriend and can’t wait to enter marital intimacy with him! I masturbate simply because I enjoy how it feels while I am doing it. It’s a slow work in progress but I’m trying to avert my focus from how good it feels to how it makes God feel–and how it would make my boyfriend feel if he knew. Please pray for me as I seek to overcome this addiction. I have been reading the Bible more, and that has been helping. Thank you for your article, very encouraging!
Hello Herris mam,
I am an indian, i am also a sex addict i always used to think about sex and ends with masturbation.I dont knw how to get rid off it. Pls help me iam not a girl i am a boy but when i went through your article i thought you can help me.
I generally masturbate daily i knw it is bad for my health but i cann’t control it. So pls give me some precious advice
Hello, Ashish, I’m so sorry that you are struggling. The masturbation habit does not end easily. Have you tried the tips that were listed in the blog post? Please try these things. If done daily they can help you break free. One other aspect you might need to deal with are your thoughts. Do you meditate? Are you a Christian? Have you asked the Holy Spirit to guide you, and “take captive” your thoughts? This will also be very important.
Peace, Chris
Hi Jessica,
Your words really touched me. I am masturbating definitely not as much as before, but when I think why I am still not completely free from it is because “I have trained my body” in that way as you said. I study neuroscience and even though I know that intensive training like masturbation can change our brain, I have done that for such a long time.
But now I am so aware that sex is the two become one and should not be done in such selfish way.
I’ll remember the truth whenever the sex desire comes up.. I’ll remember God’s words. The truth us powerful and can change me..!!
A trigger of mine is when I am washing myself in the shower and the temptation is right there. But if I remove that trigger then I’ll be stinky? Please help or if you have any suggestions. I really don’t want to go down this track
I am 15. I have been masturbating and watching porn since I was 12. I feel bad and guilty. I DO NOT want to mention this bad habit of mine to anybody I know. It makes me feel bad as a human and I want To STOP but I can not. I always think of God,my parents and all those who trust me when such filthy thoughts come in my mind . But that does not help. As a human it is not good on my part. I want a practical advice on how to stop all this .i want to but I do not know how . PLEASE HELP ME AND PRAY FOR ME. I want to live a happy and guilt free life once again , please help. It affects my studies,thoughts,and behaviour. Please help . If I do this once more I wall not be able to think that I am a human
Hello, Rachel – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. Coming “open” like this is a great first step. Is there anyone, anywhere you can talk to? Maybe even some kind of anonymous social media outlet you can use for right now? Eventually, looking someone in the eye and talking openly about the issue is the exact thing that crushes the enemy’s power in this issue. He does NOT want you to live a happy and guilt-free life. His motto is “steal, kill, destroy.” Take no prisoners. Alone, in the dark, tempting hours of the night he will continue to dominate unless there’s some drastic action, like removing all access to the Internet, speaking openly, etc. Changing routines….it’s hard work. Jesus came for you to have life and have it to the full! He’s right there with you. He’s for you! Read Romans 8 to find your identity as a conqueror – and more importantly, and daughter of Almighty God.
I have prayed for you right now, Rachel. There is light! No hole is too deep and distant from the loving, saving, open arms of Jesus.
Peace, Chris
P.S. My. Will power is not strong
I’m really glad I read this. I’m 20 and I’ve been struggling with masturbation my since I was in kindergarten. I really started fighting this year and when I slip up I’m so distraught. I feel like this struggle will never end. I also feel like I can’t tell anyone because “girls don’t masturbate.” I feel like a freak and I’m afraid that I will never be able to get married because of this. I am also in a new relationship right now and I’m afraid of the day I have to tell him about this struggle. I am so embarrassed.
Hello, Taylor – admitting where you’re at is a big step. That takes courage. Keeping the issue in the open is also necessary. If this guy is any kind of man who truly cares for you then when you tell him (yes, when), he will stick around. If he runs, then let him go. You can’t beat this on your own. It starts with you – making a firm decision that you are going to be victorious, walk away from this, believe God’s promises, pray from your knees, soak your mind in His Words, pour yourself out in service to others. You are not a freak. And, freedom is possible! Jesus did not fall to the depths of hell and rise victorious to then remain powerless to this temptation you are feeling. I’m rooting for you! And, God is, too. Read Romans 8 to be reminded of who God is, who you are, and your true power in Christ.
Peace, Chris
Does masturbating stop you from becoming pregnant later in in life. Cn someone tell me if they know anyone who use to or still does masturbate and has become a mother.
Masturbation has nothing to do with your fertility. There’s a great book called Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex that will answer all the questions you have about your sexuality. Education is power!
Thank you so much for sharing this article. Im 20 and I’ve been struggling with masturbation probably since I was like 10 or 11 and I just keep praying and repenting and then the trigger comes and it just drags me in. But it feels so wrong and I want to change it but I keep repeating it and Im sick and tired of this! I really need help! Please please pray for me.
Hi Carla,
Thanks for sharing. I found it really helpful to read this article. I’m now 22, and masturbation for me has been an ongoing semi-regular habit for the past 11 years, since I was about 11 I think. The shame crippled me for much of my teenage life. I managed to talk to 2 people about it across those years, but those conversations didn’t really come to a clear conclusion and so I just carried on with it. Only in this past year have I felt the need to talk with others more openly about it, triggered by being in a relationship I think! The shame over me is breaking down -I am finding that being gentle, loving and forgiving towards myself is helping me to break this habit. It seems to be the case that when we berate ourselves, put ourselves down and feel angry at ourselves, we only feel more lonely and in need of intimacy -which can lead us to more masturbation! This can feel like a lonely and dark cycle.
Today another female friend opened up to me about her own struggle with masturbation. It was the first time a female friend has shared this with me and I immediately shared my own struggle with her -it felt so wonderful to be able to speak honestly together! I would really recommend choosing someone you trust to share your story with. I did this about 4 months ago with a single woman in her mid-30s, and it was scary and I thought she might tell me I was mad or dirty or the only woman she has ever heard of doing this! But she didn’t. She shared her own story of her journey with masturbation, and she shared some resources with me to carry on the journey to freedom. She was kind and gentle and listened well, she showed me love and prayed with me.
I look forward to a new part of the journey with this friend who is my age. We know we can talk together, keep up with how we are both doing, and pray for each other. I really think it is important to speak to someone and to share in the pain and joy with friends. I will pray for you and your journey, and that you feel there is a trusted person you can talk to about this.
I imagine that one day freedom from masturbation will be amazing. I imagine the intimacy with God could be so much more as a result, and that sexual intimacy could be so much more rich and giving and fun and loving in the future. What a gift sexuality is! It’s so true that speaking openly, in trust, about sex and desire with each other breaks the unhealthy power that it can have over us.
Peace to you!
Amy
i feel ashamed of my self coz it started lyk a joke, but nw its beyond my control, i hv tried all mechanisms to stop it but its very. am the one who used to advise my friends not to enter into sexual sin and am the very one who has been addicted to mustarbation to control my self from fornicating.
my question is, if i get a girlfriend and we just romance without having sex in order to get this animal out, is it bad?????
Hi, Isaac – getting a girlfriend won’t fix your desires. Your desires aren’t for a girl. They’re for porn and masturbation. She won’t replace that. You have to make a clear and effective decision to leave the porn and masturbation aside so that you can be fully committed to a girlfriend. Please take time to read this post, I think it will help explain my message more clearly: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/11/22/why-marrying-a-supermodel-wont-satisfy/
Peace to you, Chris
Ha… I used to think the same thing. I thought masturbation would stop me from pursuing sexual desires with my boyfriend but if anything, it only strengthened it.
I can tell you from experience, that having a significant other to ”let the animal out” and avoid having sex will not work out the way you plan.
Satan is shifty, and likes to appeal to us in these ways, saying ”oh, if you release your desire this way, it will fix this” it doesn’t. It can be worse. Because before my boyfriend, I was a timid, holy little church girl that thought cuddling was intimate. Just a few months later – maybe 3? We were doing MUCH worse things than cuddling… We never had sex. But we were close. And had I not ended it, we would have. ”blowing off some sexual steam” on a significant other will only heighten your desires. I promise you that. You can never go backward in a relationship. Once you do something once, it seems too late to go back so you keep doing it. And since your doing that little sin it ” won’t matter” if. You take it further. It’s a lie. Don’t buy it. Satan appeals to you this way. Don’t let him
Really helpful to read this article, thank you. Now at 22, masturbation for me has been an ongoing semi-regular habit for the past 11 years. I am looking forward to breaking this habit, meditating on Phil 4:8 and sharing this journey with another female friend who just opened up to me about her own struggle today. I imagine that freedom from masturbation is amazing, that intimacy with God could be so much more as a result, and that sexual intimacy if the future holds it for me will be so much more rich and giving and fun and loving. What a gift sexuality is! It’s so true that speaking openly, in trust, about sex and desire with each other breaks the unhealthy power that it can have over us.
First of all, thank you Jessica Harris for sharing. Articles about Christian girls and masturbation addiction are definitely hard to come by.
It’s difficult for me to pinpoint exactly when and how this addiction began for me. Growing up in a safe, Christian home, it’s surprising (and a bit confusing) to me that I began masturbating at around age 6. Ten years later, I’m almost just now realizing what a destructive practice this is. Although I never really viewed it as an addiction until recently, this issue has definitely worsened for me especially over the last few years as I’ve become addicted to watching porn, developed an eating disorder, and discovered other ways to masturbate. I want to grow in my relationship with God but I feel like this is all getting in the way. I feel so selfish and prideful. In addition, the way that I view other guys, and girls alike, has become ungodly, and often (later) disgusting to me.
Thank you to everyone who has commented previously for the encouragement you’ve given me! I understand that like any other addiction, this is a process. However, I will try to rely on Christ and remember that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)
Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of our sexuality. We discover that there are ways to make ourselves feel good sexually, just like we discover good food, art, music, and a myriad of other wonderful sensory experiences. The problem comes with the shame around sexuality in our culture and in particular Christian culture and especially for young women who receive all sorts of messaging about how we aren’t supposed to be sexual creatures, only boys feel this way, etc. God loves you every minute of every day and night of your life. The more you accept and live into that love, the less power shame will have and the more free you’ll be of any troubling behaviors–because of course any good thing can also be used in dysfunctional ways. Food, for example, is a wonderful thing and we couldn’t live without it (sex too–our species would die without it!), but of course eating disorders are a part of life. Here’s a short animation on interrupting shame cycles. And I hope you’ve found a therapist who can help you with the eating disorder–I suspect that as you unpack that, you’ll find connections to the masturbation issue as well. Treat yourself with amazing, radical loving kindness! That’s exactly how God feels about you and wants you to be treated. Peace, Kay
Thanks Kay! I’m just a little confused. You said at the beginning of your post that, “Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of our sexuality. We discover that there are ways to make ourselves feel good sexually, just like we discover good food, art, music, and a myriad of other wonderful sensory experiences.”
However, Jessica/this article doesn’t seem to completely agree with that statement.
“Masturbation, is a ‘fast track’ so to speak to the end result. Imagine growing up on microwave meals, then suddenly being asked to cook something for Thanksgiving. That process of cooking will seem, long, tedious, frustrating and prone to error. When it isn’t perfect (and it often isn’t), depending on your expectations, you might get frustrated…Masturbation trains your body to grow up on microwave meals- the only satisfaction is this, and now.” (Jessica Harris December 11, 2013 at 11:09 am)
I may have just misunderstood what you were trying to say….would you mind clarifying for me?
Thanks again for the encouragement! I really appreciate it. :)
P.S. I am currently seeing a counselor and I plan to bring up this issue with her as soon as possible. :)
You understood me just fine. Masturbation is normal.
We can have divergent opinions on things within the Christian world, and I’ve found that shaming and controlling is not the way to have a healthy relationship with our sexuality. When we love and accept ourselves as we are, it’s much easier to choose how we wish to behave. I know that sounds completely counter intuitive, but it actually works. God loves us as we are, why wouldn’t we do the same? Including our sexuality.
Definitely talk it over with your counselor!
Peace to you,
Kay
Hey I’m 15 and I have been struggling with masturbation my whole life. I’m not sure how I even started but I know I did it as a toddler and up. When I was even 4 and 5 years old I did it secretly cause I always thought there was something wrong with me. And I know why cause my little sister masturbates and my mom doesn’t care and my dad gets upset and always tells her that “no you can’t do that” and I’m sure that’s what I was told. From a young age I thought there was something wrong with me and I felt guilty cause I thought I was bad. Just so you know I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it. I did it on and off until I was about 12 years old and then I told myself “I can’t do this I have to stop nobody else does it there must be something wrong with me!” So I stopped for awhile but, then I don’t know how but somehow I started doing it again. I still didn’t know what I was doing. Then when I was almost 14 I learned what sex was (yeah I know sorta late) and I was Soo relieved cause the book I read said that alot of people masturbate and it’s only bad if you think of bad thoughts while you do it. I never had fantasized or anything when I did it but of course the next time I did it I fantasized! I felt so giulty and dirty. Still I sorta still felt guilty when I did it even if i didnt fantasize probably from being guilty my whole life. Still I probably did it about 2 times a month. But I know I was addicted cause I never wanted to do it but couldn’t stop myself. About 4 months ago I found out that it is a sin even when not fantasizing (I think my whole life in that back of my heart I knew it was a sin.) And I have decided to put all of my heart and mind and soul into stopping the addiction. It’s SO hard but I have gone over a month in not doing it. I know God loves me still and that I am forgiven in Jesus blood but it’s so hard for me to forgive myself and to get over the guilt and shame.I even feel super guilty when I am tempted and I am tempted often. But I have to remind myself that temptation is not a sin yieldin to it is the sin. I want to follow God’s ways and do what’s right. I want to grow up have a job in the computer programming world (I’m learning that right now) I want to get married to a Christian man someday. I want to have many children and raise them in a Christian home and loving home. Yet sometimes I feel so low and guilty and I feel that I certainly do not deserve anything but to live alone by myself with nothing. I don’t know why I feel way more guilty about this sin than other sins when in God’s eyes all sins are sins and just as bad. Please pray for my healing. 💓
Honestly you’re not alone, and my situation is almost identical to yours. I’ve been struggling with this addiction since back in kindergarten when I thought it was just ‘stretching.’ I’m praying for you, and I hope you can pray for me too, since we’ve both been through a lot❤️
This year I stopped masturbation for a month, I used to meditate (I had free time), but when life got busy again, I stopped meditating, then I felt as I am going to burst anytime, and so one day I masturbated, It didn’t took much, just a touch as I was super sensitive, Good thing of that one month was that some of my grey hairs turned black (at my head :)). And I was having a psoriasis which healed (one small spot left), now as I am masturbating again, I am unable to stop, as I dont have time for medtitation, I feel stupid for giving into it last month, I dont know how to stop again.
I will try your method and I hope it works for me, Thanks a lot for sharing,
I am going to re-read your article, a lot. Pork connected activities are ruining my life. There are groups and helps for men, in my area, but not for women. Humans could care less. There is no human connected help for me with this. In my area there are no interested counselors, support groups, 12 step groups, or even computer based support groups. There is only the anonymity of the confessional, praying to God for forgiveness, more prayer, and hoping God forgives me so I don’t go to hell. There is nobody but God Who cares about a 66 year old woman addicted to solo porn. I don’t watch it anymore, Today after three weeks I gave in and now I feel like I took a razor and shredded by soul. I have to stop this. I just have to.
I just re-read your article Jessica. Thank you for all these tips. I’m 46 years old and I’ve been dealing with this masturbation issue for a long time. I just indulged in self-pleasure again. It’s really hard to let go of this nice feeling, and I wish I had more willpower to let go of it. But I’m praying that the Lord makes me willing to be willing. It’s really hard for me to live this celibate life, and I strongly believe that it would quell my battle if God would finally give me a husband – yet I’m aware that I will also have to apply self-control when I’m married. So I’m convicted that I have to overcome this now. Oh Lord please help me!
My name is Ann, it all started when I was little,.my step sister always used me to achieve her satsifaction,she turned me into a lesbian and a masturbator.I always hate myself after doing it. I ll tell myself that I want to stop but I find myself thinking n doing it again. I have prayed n confessed severally still I can’t stop .
I want to stop,I need to stop
I need help please 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Dear Ann,
It sounds to me like you’re talking about being a victim of child sexual abuse. I would suggest that you find a therapist who is experienced in the treatment of sexual abuse. As you heal from that trauma, you will find yourself more able to make choices based on today’s reality rather than the trauma you suffered as a child.
Peace to you,
Kay
I’m a 17 year old girl that discovered masturbation around 11… I really want to be able to stop but I’ve tried so hard and I just can’t seem to stop the habit. It’s really messing with my mental health, my spiritual life, and just life in general. I’ve also looked up porn and erotica which I regret every time I do, but it’s just something I can’t stop doing. I can’t really talk about this to anyone cause it’s looked down so much that I just feel like I’d be looked down upon as well, and I don’t want to deal with the emotional pain of that. Even right now as I’m writing this I’m feeling aroused and I just can’t stop it, it’s such a temptation and I can’t get anywhere. I feel like I have no control over my emotions when I’m aroused and I do things I feel guilty about doing afterwards. I just get aroused when I’m scrolling through Instagram, talking to one of my friends, etc, and I just fall to the temptation. If anyone has any advice I’d really really appreciate it… I want to get rid of this habit cause I just don’t want to ruin my life with my future husband and right now I’m on the course to doing that. Please, please help…
Ashley,
Thank you for being open and sharing your struggles. One of the first steps to recovery is stepping forward and admitting the problem with a desire to change, and you are doing just that. Do you have a church or friend that you can fellowship with and ask for accountability? It is incredibly difficult to fight our battles alone, so I would encourage you to find someone who you can share your struggles with and be held accountable.
If you aren’t already using our Screen Accountability software, I would encourage you to use that as well. This will monitor your tech devices and curb the temptation to look at pornography or explicit imagery.
Keep fighting, friend!
Moriah
Hey, I’m 14 almost 15 and I’ve been struggling with this addiction for years. I’ve been praying and praying, even going months without masturbating, but I always end up falling back into it! I feel horrible afterwards, yet I can’t stop! I feel dirty, impure, disgusting, and it’s been like this for years ever since I unfortunately discovered masturbation when I was young. I didn’t know what it was at the time, only that it felt good. So I kept doing it. But even after putting two and two together, I can’t help but keep doing it! It’s horrible! I’m a very faith-filled Catholic virgin and I even hope to join a religious vocation someday, and I feel so impure and disgusting! I’m ashamed of myself and I everyone in my life thinks I’m this perfect, responsible girl yet no one knows about my addiction. I’m afraid to tell my parents, and I have gone to confession for it, but I still feel like I’m stained with this sin. How can I make sure my lust is gone for good?
Hey Jen,
Masturbation is normal! It feels good, and it’s a part of your whole self, which includes your sexuality. It’s private, but it’s not shameful. Masturbation is not a sin. It shouldn’t take over your life, but it’s fine as a part of your healthy physical self.
Problems arise with masturbation, as with many other good things, when we use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism when we are overly stressed, upset, etc. We can all be vulnerable to using good things–food, wine, exercise, Netflix–to cope in unhealthy ways. Instead of feeling our feelings and processing through them, we substitute a behavior that feels good in the moment but didn’t actually solve the problem and may in fact produce more problems.
Unfortunately, there is huge shame around sexuality in Christian circles. Often, shame itself becomes the problem, as you feel distressed over shame from masturbation, you then masturbate to feel better in the moment.
You might like this short animation I made recently, Interruping Shame Cycles.
I hope that helps,
Kay
Hey Jen,
You don’t know me and honestly, idk if I’m in much of a position to give advice… But I thought I would share my story.
I’ve been masturbating ever since was 7. And like you, I didn’t know what it was. Just that it felt good. It wasn’t until my mom caught me and tried to explain simply that ”God didn’t want me to do this”. Mortified with myself, I stopped immediately.
But a few years later, I started again. And I didn’t feel like stopping until I was around 13, because I figured it wasn’t that big if a deal up until that point. I’m a good person… And to be honest I haven’t really struggled with anything sinful except that. So I wanted to get rid of it so I could make God proud.
So I tried quitting on my own, for three years. Failing again and again. When I was 16 is when I really started feeling horrible. I prayed all the time, begging God to take this temptation from me without having to tell my bishop… Which to make matters worse, was my dad.
But nothing. And eventually, I realized, I couldn’t do it alone.
So gathering my courage, I texted my dad to come into my room before telling him everything.
It was hard… But he said he was proud of me for telling him. Immediately, a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I hugged him. We came up with plans together and found ways around it triggers. We left my door open at night (when I was most prone) and when I had urges he would come to my room and rub my back to try and relax me to sleep.
I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary. I know it’s personal and embarrassing. But having someone under the same roof as u to help u and hold u accountable makes the process much easier to get through. And it’s a long process… I’m 17 and still struggle. But when u have someone you can trust and help you it’s much more bearable and helps a ton.
Remember that God loves you and wants to see you succeed. Try and pray every night and every morning and try to lead a Christ-centered life and obey all of God’s other commandments while u struggle with this one. It’s so much easier to avoid temptation when you are doing other things that tune you into the holy spirit. Stay strong <3
I belief masturbating is a sin because when I’m done I feel so guilty and I’m scared. Sometimes when I do it I don’t eat and I don’t sleep well cause I feel someone’s watching me. Actually God’s watching me.
I feel so scared cause I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want them judging me or think different of me . When I do it I feel so far away from God I feel he left me. I’m so scared i want to stop it but I have needs please help me I need help. I don’t do it all the time maybe twice in a month or two but when I’m done I feel worthless
Blessing,
I first want to thank you for stepping forward and sharing your struggles. It is easy to feel alone in this battle, but please know that you aren’t. It can be difficult to feel like you can tell anyone about your struggles, but I would encourage you still to do this. It can be a spouse, relative, friend, church leader – anyone whom you trust.
God has NOT left you! Keep clinging to him and do not give up hope!
Blessings,
Moriah
Dear Jessica,
Many thanks for this insightful message. Really appreciate it and came at the right time when I needed help.
Can you please reach me via email so I can explain?
Thanks
Hi. I’m Duxx. I’m a twenty four year old male. I started masturbating at the age of twenty. I still remember that night. I’ve been struggling with this habit since that moment and I’m so stressed about it. I can’t stop watching adult videos no matter how I try. Please I really needd help on how to stop this painful habit. It’s controlling me. It also makes me to hate company.
Duxx,
Have you tried using Covenant Eyes? Our software pairs accountability with screen monitoring, to help you give up porn for good. If you are struggling to turn from the temptation of these videos, reach out to a friend! This can be a church leader, relative, counselor, etc. Ask them to hold you accountable on a daily basis.
And of course, PRAY. Ask God to turn your heart away from this addiction and cling to him as our only source of comfort and joy.
Blessings, friend!
Moriah
Hello guys,
Masturbation is a bad addiction which I have been struggling with for the past 10years. Here is some key problems I noticed as a guy;
Its makes me only think of one thing about ladies, to have sex with them.
I think I’ve lost my sense of love for ladies because I tends to see my girl friend as a sex machine. So sad.
Straining of muscles on my legs after masturbation.
So masturbation can destroy one’s life if not stop on time by Trusting on God words, always be vigilant about those moment those thought come around and quickly reject them with the blood of Jesus. Involve yourself in activities such excercise and hanging out with people. Lastly try not to stay alone. Thanks.
Hi I searched up how to overcome masturbation and this was the first link
I was sexually abused at the age of 7 by my own father tho it could have been earlier I remember it happened twice but wether it happened before I don’t recall. I’ve suffered a lot of trauma therefore I’m starting to have memory lost but what I do remember is all the hurt and shame that I carry and it haunts me more frequently as I get older I am now 35 years old and have been masturbating since 7. I’ve been walking this journey by myself but my husband knows I masturbate and he knows what had happened to me as a kid. I don’t talk about it but I know that this whole thing has started from that moment, I grew up confused and low self esteem but I put on my fake self like nothing has happened. But deep down I’m at a point where the shame is just too much that taking my own life seems better. During the years I managed to control myself but within the last 6 years it’s become worst. I don’t feel worthy to be loved by God even though I know he loves me but it’s just sooo hard and I wish that I don’t go through this, I have two children and I freak out so bad that I think someone has hurt my kids. I feel alone and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it, my husband doesn’t know it was my father. My father is a well respected man and no one would believe me, my sister also said that he abused her too but she will never admit it to anyone if I was to say anything. I find that life is unfair. I became a Christian in 2009 and it helped me a lot I have focus on my faith but it soon creeped up on me. Last year I forgave my father(2019) I told him I remembered everything and I said I forgive him Hoping that it would leave me along but this year it’s even worst- I’ve attempted to commit suicide multiple times but found reasons to not and find other ways to deal with it . I don’t know sorry I don’t know why I’m writing this out
Dear Mia,
I am so, so sorry for the terrible pain that you’ve suffered all this time.
I believe you. I absolutely believe you.
My very best advice to you is to find a therapist, someone who is licensed, experienced, and trauma-informed, who can help you process the abuse and its aftermath in your life. Follow that link to Psychology Today, put in your zip code, and then refine your search to those who are “truama informed.” In addition, EMDR certification is a good sign that someone is very serious about their trauma-informed approach.
The shame that you feel does not belong to you: it is your father’s shame. Forgiveness means “release,” and it is time to release this shame from yourself. It is not yours, and you are not reqiured to carry it one step further. I think maybe the reason you’ve felt worse after forgiving your father is that you released him, but not yourself, and it is time to release yourself. Time to let this shame go, this shame that was never, ever yours to carry. A good therapist can help you do this.
You are a strong and courageous person, carrying this pain all your life. Now is the time to have the courage to lay this down. Have the strength to seek professional help.
Peace to you and every best wish for your healing,
Kay
hello, i am a very young 12 years old, i have what some of you could call a masturbation addiction. i end up home alone alot with my parents at work and my brother with his dad, so i have a *lot* of free time…… and what i do is not very pure. now i am atheist and simply wish to know how to cut back on watching hentai and masturbating
-lazier xoxo
Hi friend,
Are you using Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability? If not, I would highly recommend that you get started that way! Find a friend or someone you can trust to hold you accountable through Screen Accountability. We have found that when there is accountability, there is recovery.
Blessings,
Moriah
Hello,
I’m 19 and i love Christ. Though I don’t always act like it. My dream is to be a missionary one day. My story is that I have been trying to break my addiction with masturbation for about 3 months now. I dealt with masturbation on a small scale when I was 14, but I quickly stopped because of overwhelming shame and behavioral modification. I know God was there helping me, but I feel like I never completely healed. I began a relationship with a boy in February and we kissed a lot, and it triggered my masturbation problem again. And then one day things went further between me and him. And then suddenly one day I was no longer a virgin. I have always know sex before marriage is wrong. I’ve never chosen to watch porn, and I’ve to this day never wanted to. But masturbation has been my crutch. The “lesser” sin. But also something that causes me so much pain. Me and this boy ended our relationship over a month ago. But masturbation continued, fueled by memories and fantasies. I was so tired of it! I want intimacy with God! It made me doubt my salvation, and gave me way too much guilt. I am a sinner and I am the problem. But Jesus is enough and he’s always been enough. The enemy has used this to wage war against me and I’ve given him a foothold. About three weeks ago I decided to stop. At that point it was a problem everyday, sometimes more than once. But I was good for a week. And then I had a relapse. I was good for 5 days. Relapse. I was good for 3. Relapse today. I don’t want to be afraid but I am. Each time I have said no more. I have pleaded with the lord. But it’s not his fault I keep putting myself in these same situations, thoughts, and give myself triggers sometimes! One good thing out of all of this is how God has shown me how his love for me doesn’t depend on my works, but his righteousness. But he saved me for a LIFE. And ABUNDANT one. I want to suffer for doing the right thing, not the wrong! I want to be close with Christ. And I actually had a wonderful day where I got to share Jesus with a friend and now I feel unworthy and just stupid. Like I feel like my mind is clear after and I think “Why did I even do that?” I actually tried to resist for a while before giving in. I’m tired of the cycle of forgiveness and repeat. I need forgiveness always for any sin in deed, thought, or word. I know I won’t be perfect until l am with Christ. But I want to be free of these weighty chains that hang over my head and steal my joy.
-sincerely, E
Hello, thank you very much for this post. I am 23 years and i have been in masturbation and pornography for 9 years. I discovered masturbation when i was 14 through innocent curiosity. I needed something to read and i found a book on women (The title is everywoman) and i took particular interest in it because i wanted to know more about my gender. I discovered masturbation, my sexual organs, sex etc. For years i continued, i can’t necessarily say i was addicted but i used it quite alot. I learnt that i did it to deal with alot of things and also i noticed it helped relieving headaches, stress etc. Four years into it i realized porn was bad but i couldn’t tell anyone, i have been the “good child” good grades, good character etc, some people even look up to me in terms of their Christian faith (This makes me feel bad and when i try to disagree with them on how i am no role model, they don’t believe me). I don’t want to go into more details because it might be too long.
This secret is killing me, i want to start singing songs (making covers and posting on social media, especially of gospel songs) but guilt prevents me and fear of condemnation. My mind keeps reminding me of all the “naughty” things i have seen and done. You see, my discovery of masturbation and pornography led to a discovery of written pornography etc and i tried to “experiment” it innocently on a platform (i am a learn and put into action what you’ve learnt kind of person) and someone identified me. I ran away and i was so ashamed/ this was about 4 years ago but i am scared of putting myself out anywhere. I have hidden and shut myself from most of the people i know because of fear of being revealed and condemned rather than being understood and helped. My biggest problem now is that i “sincerely like” how i feel when i masturbate, to the point that my mind doesn’t see it is as a harmful act or a sin or wrong. I have noted that porn is a sin after understanding how it falls under fornication and how i feel guilt after viewing it and so i have been doing alot to overcome thins and i thing it is going well. And to be honest, things are going well for me now, i have gone through a journey of finding God all over, i have conquered most of my demons (insecurities etc) so i do not masturbate to relieve those. I just like touching myself now and also I get very aroused every month just before my period and i pleasure myself when i get that way. I still don’t understand why i should have such strong urges and not relieve them by my self? I mean i didn’t create these urges and why do i have to go through fighting them everything month until God gives me my spouse, which is a time i do not even know. Please don’t get me wrong, I would never have sex outside marriage, i have never allowed a boy kiss me let alone touch me, it is against my principles, i know it may sound weird but it is true.
In these 9 years, i have tried all kinds of things, and looked up all kinds of things from true stories from former sex workers in the pornography industry who became christians to real life female christian struggles but still nothing. I recently discovered the need for an accountability partner. I really want to tell someone, you know and have an accountability partner but i fear condemnation and judgment. (I have been a judgemental person). I have friends, family members, a mentor etc and all but it don’t think i can trust anyone with this huge burden ( i call it a burden because it is a secret) i carry, i am scared. Sometimes i think i will just have to wait till when i meet my husband to share this secret with him ( I am 100% sure i will do this because i want a transparent relationship with him whoever he will be). But before then i want to be done with it completely, if not for anything but for the fact that i want to be a virgin in my mind and heart for my husband. I want to be able to explore sex with purity with my Husband (i don’t know how to explain this further ma’am). I have put off even being in a relationship because i really need to figure this out. Please what can you say about all of this?🙁
PS: Please this is the very first time i am revealing this to anyone that isn’t God.
Hi friend!
Thank you for being so open and honest. Sharing this with anyone is not easy, and I am encouraged by your desire to turn from sin and please God. I do think that it is important to tell someone you know about your struggles. While I don’t know who that person might be, I would encourage you to pray about who in your life you can confess to. Ask God to grant them grace and wisdom when you open up to them.
I am praying for you! Keep fighting the good fight.
Blessings,
Moriah
Reading all of these comments has encouraged me to say something for the first time ever. Thank you. Honestly, I’ve been so scared all my life to talk about this subject, but it’s something I’ve been struggling with since I was around 10. I’m 21 now and I still struggle with masturbation. I grew up in a Christian household and i serve a lot at church, I find comfort there. But I feel so shameful from this one impure sin, I feel disgusting. I’ve had ups and downs, some years it was out of control and some years i had abstained for months. I realised, at the times I had abstained, God was really carrying me and I truly surrendered to him. I spoke with a priest once and fell in to tears whilst explaining and he comforted me and told me I was loved. that was one of the first times I didn’t feel disgusting anymore.
However recently I’ve been getting back into the habit and I feel so shameful all the time and it’s even making me distant from my church services and family. I don’t want to do this anymore I want to be free. I want a relationship with Christ, but I keep failing him. I need help. Please keep me in your prayers.
Sincerely M
M,
I am praying for you! You are not alone. Keep praying and seeking after God.
Blessings,
Moriah
Mine will be 10 years by Novemeber. I’m in my late 20s. A guy I never saw but met online adviced me to touch my private part. It never occurred that I was masturbating. I got to know months after, by then it was difficult to stop. After some years I tried my best with prayers and I could stop for few months. Then I found myself doing it again, I’m not sure but I think not being in a relationship made mine worst because I have only been in two relationships. First lasted for 5 months, Second was 2 months but bed were undefined for both back then. I gave my virginity out about 3 years ago and I haven’t been having sex but I still find myself masturbating. I really need help. I’m ready to let go.
Rachel,
Thank you for reaching out! That is not an easy thing to do, and I am encouraged by your honesty and desire to change. Do you have a close friend or mentor whom you can reach out to and ask for prayer and accountability? It is incredibly difficult for us to tackle any struggles on our own, so I would encourage you to find an ally to walk alongside you!
Above all, spend time in prayer and reading God’s word. He is our ultimate source of hope and healing!
Blessings,
Moriah
Thanks for the article–and all the comments, it’s truly wonderful to see so much support between women who struggle with this. I’m 20 and haven’t had this habit nearly as long as some others here. Somehow I avoided porn and masturbation during my childhood, never even had an interest, and have managed to stay a virgin. A little over a year ago, my ex and I had an interesting conversation along these lines: “Wait, L, have you ever masturbated?” “No, actually I haven’t, also I kind of think it’s wrong.” “What??? You’re missing out, you should go try it!” Long story short, walked away, curiosity eventually got the better of my resolve, and I gradually sank into the habit. It’s never become an addiction. I’ve fluctuated the past year between multiple times a day, once a day, or not at all for a few months, but mostly once every couple weeks. I’m Catholic, so I go to confession and try again. I’m not even that worked up about it like I was a few months ago, it’s just a cross to bear. I just feel pathetic. My current boyfriend is much more supportive, shares my beliefs, knows I struggle with this and is sympathetic (having overcome porn addiction in the past). But I wonder if I’ll ever get this to totally go away. I get the physical urge that’s almost irresistible around ovulation, and also a few days after my period starts (so basically whenever my estrogen levels are rising). Is that in my control to resist? I sure hope so… Any sympathy or prayers or anything appreciated, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.
LG,
Praise God that you have a heart desire to overcome masturbation and stop it from becoming an addiction! I’d encourage you to first read this article about women and masturbation (there’s a part 2 to it as well).
Secondly, I’d recommend you take a look at what is triggering these moments of temptation. You can even make a list of the habits/situations that tempt you to masturbate, along with a second list of things you can do instead of masturbating when you are feeling tempted. Having a friend (preferably female as well) to text or call when you are tempted can also help you to say no to masturbation and walk in freedom.
Above all, dig into God’s Word and be fervent in prayer. Only Christ can change our hearts, and through him, we find ultimate freedom!
Blessings,
Moriah
This is the first time I believe that I’ve come across your article I don’t remember coming across it before but something happened to me as a child and as a young adult, I told my parents about it well at least my mother and she didn’t believe me or she can’t deal with it of course and I used to have a problem with watching p*** all the time but I haven’t done that in a long time I still masturbate from time to time I don’t I don’t like it because it doesn’t make me feel anything but I’m also afraid that if I keep committing this and over and over I will not enter the kingdom of heaven and I don’t want to be separated from God.
Hi Christine,
Thank you for being honest and sharing a part of your journey! Please do not give up hope. You are loved by God and if you have placed your trust in Him, nothing can separate you from his kingdom.
We are all humans—flawed sinners. If you are struggling with masturbation, know that you are not alone.
Do you have a close friend or mentor whom you can reach out to and ask for accountability and prayer? You could even see a counselor, if you’re willing. Talking to others about something like this can seem daunting, but it will be hugely helpful!
Praying for you,
Moriah
Really! What a crock to suggest masturbation for woman is in anyway wrong or to fantasize about something, anything while doing it is even worse. Sex is selfish and a woman masturbating is any but; it’s your time, it’s your body. It’s my body! Stop with the Bible verses and the extended guilt. Being Christian and being sexual goes hand in hand. Being married and masturbating is healthy and after 25 years with my husband we both do it alone and even more together. You imply anything but sex for procreation is wrong. A strong healthy sexual drive for us both is a loving and exploring sexual relationship is a blessing. You can be a very good Christian and masturbate. Stop lying to woman and start telling the truth about normal healthy sexual life. Buy your dildo, fantasize, masturbate whether single or married and as long as it builds a close relationship who care? Certainly not god or Jesus.
So I started masturbating at the age of 13 years not knowing what it was but all this started when a girl kissed me.i realised I started having this urge and the searching up erotic literature which would make me so horny and end up masturbating.so I engaged in this act for several years until last year I’m currently 18 I told my mum about it and she really handled the issue well with me we both prayed and fasted about it and I realised the rate at which I was doing it reduced I was so happy sbf proud of myself for overcoming this because this act always made me feel dirty and sad after doing it but the urge was so much.just three days ago I had a dream I was kissing a boy and I woke to realise I was so horny for hours I almost masturbated again and since then I’ve been feeling unusually horny and I’ve been thinking about erotic stuff I just don’t want to give in else all the work I put in to get here would all be in waste🥺🥺
Hi Ella,
You’re doing great! Have you talked to your mom (or another trusted friend) about the dream you had? It sounds like she’s very supportive of you; she might be able to come alongside you and help you stay strong.
I’ll also suggest prayerfully considering talking to a counselor at some point. One thing we’ve found is that porn and masturbation habits often stem from unwanted (or at least unexpected) sexual experiences like you had when you were younger. Even just a few counseling sessions may help you work through some of the root issues that keep trying to lure you back to erotica and masturbation.
There are many comments here saying that masturbation isn’t a sin and that women should be able to masturbate to their heart’s content guilt-free. I don’t necessarily disagree with these comments. Masturbation is a gray area in my denomination as well… but addiction to anything is bad.
Drinking alcohol is fine in most Christian denominations, but being an alcoholic? Whether it’s a “sin” or not, you’re causing problems for yourself and your family. I found this article because I’m addicted to masturbating, and I’m afraid of it affecting my relationship. I stopped watching porn years ago, but the fantasies I have would still be difficult or impossible for my husband for fulfill. I’ve also gotten so used to giving myself orgasms that it’s difficult for me to orgasm during sex. These are issues! In my particular situation, continuing to masturbate all the time is not okay. I’m sure there are many other women like me that know they need to stop too.
This article was more helpful than other articles I found. I hate reading stuff aimed at men, I can’t relate to it. Other articles just say to pray. I don’t think people who aren’t addicted understand just how mentally compromised one is when they’re horny. I appreciated the tip where the author said to make it as inconvenient as possible, and I think that’s just what I’ll do.
I wish I could find an online support group for this or something :( If anybody knows of one, let me know.
It’s definitely a challenge! Prayer is an important component to recovery, but our bodies have been rewired and we have to work with our bodies for our bodies to recover.
Have you checked out SheRecovery? Crystal Renaud Day is a partner of Covenant Eyes, and she offers virtual support groups for women. https://sherecovery.com/