It seems like the phrase “My smokin’ hot” wife is coming into mainstream Christianity now. I have heard a number of preachers use the phrase from the pulpit, especially when they are sharing messages on sex.
And have you seen this video of a pastor at a NASCAR race praying, thanking God for the racetrack, the racing teams, the cars, the drivers, the cans of Sonoco fuel, and his smokin’ hot wife?
When pastors talk about their wives as “smokin’ hot” or call attention to their physical beauty in a sermon, I think they are:
- Trying to show their congregations that they love their wives and are attracted to them.
- Teaching that it’s OK to admire beauty and to be sexually attracted to one another.
- Showing genuine thankfulness to God.
- Saying to congregants indirectly, “hands off” my wife, she’s mine.
- Saying to congregants indirectly, “I’m taken,” I don’t need an adulterous relationship, I have a wonderful wife.
Using “smoking hot’ to describe your wife is fantastic, but I believe it needs to retreat to something you privately say to your wife. I don’t think we should be using this phrase publicly.
Why pastors shouldn’t say it publicly:
- It makes me want to check out your wife – When I hear anyone say he has a “smoking hot” wife, I want to check her out for myself. I want to rate her on the “smokin’ hotness” scale. You push my button and trigger me to check out your wife.
- Strong sexual connotations with the phrase in our culture – The phrase is already being used in our culture to describe Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends, Miss America, America’s Top Model, and the Hooter’s waitresses you saw during lunch. It’s not a phrase we need to “claim for Jesus” from our pulpits.
- Focuses on the wrong thing – The message a pastor is sending is “look at the package.” God teaches us to value women, honor them, love them.
- Has objectification written all over it – There’s a fine line between admiring beauty and objectifying. In a lust-driven society we may say we’re admiring beauty, but we’re really saying “I want that for my own visual or sexual pleasure.” When we objectify we don’t value the human being, we take in the picture, video, or live person in front of us for our own pleasure.
- What message is this sending to wives? – Wives have a hard enough time with low self-esteem when it comes to their image. Magazines and movies already teach women that image is the most important thing; they don’t need their pastor sending the same message.
- What if I don’t have a “smoking hot” wife? – Guys get jealous quick and covetous of another’s “smoking hot” wife whenever their relational intimacy at home is failing.
- Is the pastor more blessed for having a “smokin’ hot wife”? – Any wife is a blessing from the Lord. The illusion for some is that the holy guy gets the better looking women. Would you be thanking God for your “average looking” wife? Would you even acknowledge this from the pulpit?
Say it, but say it privately
I want to tell my wife that she’s beautiful. I’m attracted to her. I have this deep churning inside me that makes me want to shower my wife with complements, gifts, acts of service, and affection. It’s normal. It’s a God-given desire. And it’s what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. I shouldn’t be ashamed of the phrase, but I should use discretion as to where and when I use it.
To me my wife is “smokin’ hot.” It starts with me visually and admiring my wife’s physical beauty. But as I am growing in my sexuality, emotionally and relationally, I am finding deeper, more fulfilling connections with my wife. I am attracted to her physically, but I am more attracted to her strength of character, her ability to organize, her loyalty, her love for our children and her grace toward me.
Preachers, let’s move you and your “smokin’ hot” wife back to the bedroom.
Feedback
Q: What do you think?
Q: Are pastors doing a good thing when they call their wives “smokin’ hot”?
Q: Am I being hypersensitive about this?
it’s the little things that slip by that usually make the biggest impact over time. Saying “smokin’ hot” may seem harmless, and objecting usage of that phrase in the pulpit may seem hypersensitive. However, it’s things like this that slowly desensitize and persuade us to adjust according to contrast. It’s the frog in the pot. And I appreciate this blog post.
Hey Everyone –
I’m so glad for your comments on the article.
CE User
I agree that women love public complements, my wife included. But so many of us focus on the package and little else. Also, many men do not pour ANY energy, passion,or complements into their marriage.
We are encouraged in Prov 5 to “drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.” God has given us so much to cultivate at home.
I’m very much “pro complements”. I think our complements need to be seasoned with discretion. We also need to be aware that not all people sitting in our pews have healthy sexualities, healthy marriages or healthy views of women.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
JohnnyChristlike
I tried to share some positive reasons why ministers say this from the pulpit. I think we are well-intentioned when we say this.
I also believe if a man doesn’t find his wife attractive, something’s wrong. God draws a couple together in marriage – we should be attracted to one another and enamored by one another.
I think we can come up with other ways to show we are captivated with our wives that honor them. It’s kind of shallow to just focus on the sexual aspect of our wives with our complements.
If we are cultivating a marriage where we are helping each other grow emotionaly, relationally, intellectually and spiritually, we have deeper reserve to draw from when complementing our wives.
If we know the depth of a godly marital relationship, we can do a lot better than “smokin hot”.
I appreciate your thoughts.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who was uncomfortable with that video. Jeff makes some great points in his post and I definitely think it’s inappropriate for a pastor to say that in a public prayer.
I used to think I wanted to be called “hot” because I’d get jealous seeing men drool over women and calling them that. My husband has always said he thinks I’m attractive or pretty. However, he never used to say words like “hot” or “sexy” and it would make me jealous, thinking that I wasn’t as good looking or as “exciting” as the women in magazines or movies. But he actually called me hot recently and I didn’t like it. It made me feel like just another object. He told me that’s exactly the reason he’s never said those kinds of words to me before! He values me for so much more than my outward appearance and for that I’m grateful. I’d much rather be thought of as beautiful – mainly for my character, integrity and love.
I understand that women like their outer beauty recognized and to receive public compliments. I’ve had that same desire. I just think to reduce it down to a term like “smokin’ hot” is very shallow. Why not say something like “Thank you for my beautiful, smart, loving wife”. You are recognizing both her outside and inside beauty. I also agree with Jeff that it causes us to focus on all the wrong things, when we should be focused on Christ.
If a wife does like to be called hot or whatever other word, then fine. But I agree with Jeff that when it’s a word or phrase with sexual connotations, then it should be kept in private.
Jeff, thank you for writing this blog post. I agree with what you wrote. I am so glad that a man (and husband) sees an issue with this. As a wife, I personally don’t want my husband to say to me in private that I am ‘smoking hot’. That isn’t how I want to come off to him, even in the bedroom. It would make me feel like an object. I want him to see beauty in me for other reasons. I think ‘smoking hot’ is a term stemmed from looking at a women lustfully. I am not saying that the pastor does not love his wife.
After I read this article, I turned on the radio to hear these words: ” Beauty comes from the ashes in which we will rise.” A life lived for Jesus, is the way to really be beautiful.
Jeff,
Your points are so well thought out and so God-centered. I do not think you are hypersensitive. I agree with all of them with the possible exception of saying it to her privately. I can see Ashley’s point here to a degree. Obviously, if using that phrase congers up any association that even minutely distracts from a completely faithful, one-flesh union, it must be not be used. I do believe that we are to concentrate on our inner, Christ-like beauty above all. I do also think there is a place for physical attraction between a husband and wife (Song of Solomon) and that it is a gift from God. That physical attraction may have nothing to do with what each person actually looks like. That physical attraction may be 100% influenced by inner beauty or at the very least, greatly enhanced by it. These are gifts to be shared in private between a husband and wife and that’s the place we should thank God for them.
My wife is beautiful. But she wouldn’t want me to call her smokin’ hot in front of anyone. She would find it dishonoring that I would treat her as a sex object in front of others. She does not like the attention and especially does not like attention to her outward appearance in front of others. She would rather women be praised for their inward beauty and godliness. Any woman can be “smokin’ hot.” Many women can attract men at church by their appearance. But we know that God doesn’t look at that. Charm is deceitful and a “smokin’ hot wife” is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Really, I think this is just trying to be cool with the culture. Cultural relevance is a sad norm in the church.
I could say so many things about this subject in general, and on that gentleman’s prayer in general.
My wife said most of what I already think, but let me add this…
When we have thrown the idea of “sacred” out the window, and replaced it with the all popular “relevant” this is the kind of craziness that happened. I am afraid I have a particularly hard time imagining that kind of talk coming out of the mouth of our Lord, the Apostles, or the great Saints throughout the ages.
Too much emphasis is put on being hip and now, although, I’m not so sure that label applies to that fellows rev-em-up prayer. Not enough emphasis (almost none) is given to reverence and bringing about sanctity instead of all things explicit.
Not judging this man’s heart (because only God knows that), we can at the very least see that the mainstream modern and western “Christianity” is shallow and wanting to say the least. To say more, might be an overstatement, but here goes. It is at most empty, self serving, hype-driven and culture obsessed.
Lord have mercy on us all, and lead each and every one of us to repentance. Me being the first in line!
Blessings,
-g-
Agree completely!!
I definitely agree with Jeff here and I’m glad someone had the courage to speak out against something so bound to the current culture trends. There will probably be a majority who disagree with this post. I have a feeling a lot of women wouldn’t want to speak out against this because they may desire their husband’s to say these words about them, in order to feel validated in public by the esteem of their husband’s and the esteem of the public he preaches this “hotness” too.
We live in a culture where physical beauty is reduced to such silly terms like “hot” and “sexy” and words that are used to describe the very porn stars we get upset with our husband’s for looking at. These words, to me, are like calling an apple a red ball. What do I mean by that?
It reduces an apple to its looks. And not only that, but a shallow term for its looks. We could say “a fresh and crisp crimson apple with hints of yellow,” but no, we say “a read ball.”
We all know an apple isn’t just a “red ball.” It’s a delicious fruit. It includes seeds in the middle. There’s a lot to a little apple. Just like there is so much to a woman. And we constantly reduce them to terms like “hot” and “sexy,” when a woman’s beauty far outweighs those terms. In fact, I think a woman’s beauty (no matter what the world deems her) is so magnificent that the terms “hot” and “sexy” devalue the absolute wonder that she is.
Personally, I would prefer my husband to never use these terms when referring to me, public or private. I have no desire for any man including my husband to look at me and reduce me to such shallow terms.
My hope in this lifetime is to be an example of Jesus. For others to look at me and not even see my looks. To see Him in me so much that my looks aren’t even noticed.
Isaiah 53 says this of Jesus:
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
Personally, if I die … the last thing I want my husband to get up and say about is “she was so hot and good in bed.”
I want him to be able to say the above of me, because Jesus was the most beautiful person to ever walk this earth, and if all people can say about me is what they saw on the outside, then I know I haven’t attained any level of true beauty.
Anyway, thank you Jeff, for being bold enough to say something most people will laugh at or shrug off as just plain silly. Glory be to God!
Wonderfully put. Ashley!!! I think this post is right on point and very much needed in this sex-saturated culture. It saddens me to see the comments disagreeing with it. I am not ugly, overweight, or plain. I would be considered attractive and my husband graciously continues to let me know that he thinks of me as beautiful. But, I can promise you I do NOT want the main thing that people think about me to be “sexy.” It would be more of an insult to me than a compliment for my husband to tell another man that I am “smoking hot.” As you say reduced to the common denominator! No thank you.
I agree with Jeff and with Ashley’s comment. Please see me as a person, a precious daughter of the Most High God, and then treat me that way. Contrary to what appears to be the general opinion of this sex-crazed society, THIS woman just wants to be known and appreciated for who she is, not what she looks like or even what she does. My husband loves me and likes what he sees, even though I’m no longer a young woman. I like that. Still, my greatest desire is to know that he is interested in me, in who I am, in what I think, feel, know, get excited about. In fact, I want to know my husband better in these ways, too. How do we remain holy (separated to God) in this world’s culture? Big question.
heck yes great post well said!
I agree…..women (particularly wives) love public compliments….especially about their looks. Nothing wrong with it….even if it’s not true lol. HYPERSENSITIVE :)
I don’t have a problem with pastors doing it. Heck, I do it ALL the time. My wife is smokin hot, and everyone knows it. I think that it’s fine for a pastor to say. In fact, I’d encourage it because saying she’s smoking hot means she’s got your attention. Granted, we all know that there’s more to a wife than her appearance. That’s a given. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have married her. I dated plenty of more than attractive women before I met my wife, but I married her because she had more than just good looks. However, men usually get caught up in infidelity when something other than their wive catches their eye. So announcing that she’s smoking hot is a public declaration of your attraction to her. Now, me saying that my wife is smoking hot, doesn’t mean that everyone thinks so. Everyone has their own tastes. There are probably guys who don’t find my wife attractive (obviously, they need their eyes checked out). I don’t necessarily think a man is less blessed if I don’t think his wife is attractive, but my opinion shouldn’t matter. As long as he’s happy, who cares what other people think.
Now, if a man doesn’t find his wife attractive, then I can see why he wouldn’t want others to publicly delight in the fact that their wives are smoking hot. Maybe she was never really a looker, or maybe she just let herself go after getting married and having kids. Who knows? But if you’re jealous, that’s your issue, right? Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife, right? I do think you’re being a bit hypersensitive about this. May I inquire about your wife without stepping on toes? I just want to know where your head is at. If you think your wife is smoking hot and you feel this way, that’s one thing. But, if you don’t, then I’d say that may be contributing to your perspective.
I think the caution against public use of the term “smoking hot” is full of God’s wisdom. The article brings forth a very balanced perspective around the handling of topics on sex. I like it!