Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
Thank you so much for this — I have been a christian since early childhood, but when the pain like this comes, when I discover my husband’s betrayals, I so often push God away and try to deal with it on my own. And promptly fail. Thank you for reminding me that I can rest in the arms of the one who will never betray me, never let me down, and always affirm that He made me exactly the way I am, ON PURPOSE. He loves the way I look, and the way I am. I am prized and treasured by the king of kings.
This spoke to me so much that I started crying. From the not wanting to sleep and crying and wondering if he’s dreaming of other women to not wanting him to see me before my make up is on. Thats EXACTLY what I do. It only makes it worse that when I am awake and he’s asleep I’ve noticed that he’s visibly aroused and it breaks my heart. I’ve caught him with porn on his phone at least 8 times now and we’ve only been married 9 months. He says I shouldn’t care and then always ends up saying sorry but just yesterday I found more porn again!!! I never deny him intercourse and yet he feels the need to satisfy himself to a picture or video when I’m right there willing and ready. I just don’t feel good enough for him, like I’m doing something wrong. But it makes me feel better to know I’m good enough for God!
All the red flags were flying high but I still married him. I caught my boyfriend at the time using porn and it started in the beginning of our relationship 8 years ago. I married him anyway,,, he use to tell me to cover my face while we were having what he calls love making. Every time I brough up his addiction he called me horrible names even the C word. We have been married for more than two years now and the fights and pain are do deep. He said he would go to get help but it never happen he still lies and cheats with using porn and has ignored all my physical needs and wants. I pray all the time but I find it hard to cry. It is now just a deep burning obsession over why did he want to marry me. He asked me and I really believed with our vows to God he would stop. I feel like I am being totured yet I still love him and care for him. I ha e been in therapy for two years but it really has not helped my relationship with my husband. I am not emotionally anymore I believe because of medication but I feel ugly, lonely, undesired and painfully heart broken over his lies. Please pray for me I almost took my own life at one time because I want to be loved so badly by him but his physical connection to me is not there. He actually hurts me while we are having sex and 98 percent of the time I intiate it because I do not want him to master ate over women I will never be as pretty as they are:( he stills me I am crazy and he is not doing it anymore but I know he is!!!! Will someone please help me!!!!
Oh, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been going through.
It sounds like he is ABUSIVE to you. Not just having a little porn habit, but physically and verbally abusing you.
It sounds like you are not safe in this relationship, and that is very troubling to me.
What does your counselor say about all this?
I, as a therapist, would never encourage anyone to stay where they are being abused! No amount of medication is going to be able to overcome the trauma you are suffering on a regular basis. THE ABUSE NEEDS TO STOP. Then you can start to heal. If he won’t stop abusing you, then for your own health, separation is a good option.
My preferred pattern for dealing with abuse is a lengthy separation, during which the abuser takes responsibility for his behavior through extensive therapy. And the spouse (you) does separate therapy, and lots of work on boundaries. (Boundaries in Marriage, Henry Cloud and John Townsend, is a good place to start.)
You going to therapy will not change your husband, as you have discovered. But hopefully it changes you, and brings you to a place where you can work toward your own health and healing, even if his choices continue to be unhealthy.
My own personal conception of abuse in marriage is that abuse breaks the marriage covenant, just like adultery. Once those things have happened, the marriage is broken. Of course it can be restored but ONLY when the abuser takes full responsibility in recovery, and IF the spouse wishes to restore the relationship.
I think that as the abuse victim, YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE FINAL SAY about whether or not you wish to work on restoration. I know it’s scary to think about leaving this relationship, but it sounds to me like staying in it is pretty scary, too.
Let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
OKY EVERYONE. I’M JUST GOING TO BE REAL ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. I AM A WOMAN AND A SEX therapist BY THE WAY FIRST OF ALL AND I HAVE TO SAY THIS. ITS JUST PORN. ITS PICTURES ITS VIDEO. WITH THE ACT OF SEX. ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE AGAINST PORN, BECAUSE IT IS REAL SEX ACTS VIDEO TAPED, BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU, YOURSELF, MIGHT BE INTO WATCHING IT AS WELL? WE ARE ANIMALS. WE ALL HAVE DESIRES AND AS WOMEN IT IS A FACT THAT WE ARE EXTREMELY SEXUAL CREATURES. ( WE CAN HAVE MULTIPLE ORGAZUMS.) CAN YOU HONESTLY TELL ME YOU NEVER ONCE WANTED TO LOOK AT PORN? YOU WEREN’T ONCE WONDERING WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. AND THEN WHEN YOU WATCHED IT DID YOU GET EXCITED? FELT TURNED ON? OF COURSE YOU DID YOU ARE HUMAN! THERE IS NO WAY WE AS PEOPLE ARE NOT TURNED ON BY OTHERS LOOKS. IT IS NATURAL. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN ITS AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT. NO WAY. CAUSE THE REASON YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE TOGETHER IS BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE AND A MARRIAGE IS ABOUT LOOKS, PERSONALITY, AND Compatibility. WITH PORN HE IS JUST LOOKING ( LIKE YOU WOULD IF YOU WATCHED A MOVIE AND SAID “WOW THAT ACTOR IS HOT”) SAME THING. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW DON’T BE SO AGAINST PORN WHEN HONESTLY ITS JUST A VISUAL AID AND ENTERTAINMENT. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF WATCHING IT WITH HIM? YOU MIGHT FIND YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROW STRONGER IF YOU CAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE OPEN MINDED SEXUALLY. WE ALL ARE SEXUAL CREATURES YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION TO THAT. HOPE ALL WILL BE WELL.
@Kathy – I don’t think anyone here will deny that people watch porn because it is arousing and exciting. I don’t think anyone here would question whether men and women alike can enjoy pornography. These are not the issues at hand in this post or any others on this blog. The crucial question is whether consumer sex (things like prostitution, pornography, erotica, etc.) are ways to train the mind and heart for healthy sexuality and intimacy. They do not. They teach the mind to treat sex like a commodity, not as a doorway to intimacy. You might be interested in the recent e-magazine article I wrote about this: “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn.”
I know prayer is important but I don’t have read one comment about going to counseling and trying to help your husband and your marriage. I read ultimatums and separation and being angry and upset but we entered into marriage as a couple joined as one and at the onset of this challenge shouldn’t you face it as a couple? This site should be helping people deal with the issue with support but not necessarily feeding into justification for being angry and hurt and refusing to help your husband and yourself and your marriage. Prayer is wonderful but just praying to God to change your husband is probably not as useful as prayer to help you both change in a positive and loving direction. That means both people deciding to change and take action. The blame game and anger are not going to get you back to a happy healthy marriage. Trust me I know.
Good luck all and my prayers are with you.
@Janice – Yes, I agree. While the comments on this specific post have not touched on the importance of couples counseling, many of our other posts have. One of our regular authors, Rick Thomas, is a biblical counselor who writes about this subject often. We are also constantly posting information from CCEF (Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation) for couples, as well as licensed marriage and family therapists, and others. Hope you find more helpful information through these links.
Paul and “Mary Magdalen”,
While most of what you state is technically true, it is twisted in an evil, sick-minded way. I will address each point given, beginning with Paul.
Just because ejaculation was designed by God does NOT mean that masturbation was. Masturbation is manipulating one’s own body to produce the ejaculation, if not merely providing a sexual high. The only time we should be ejaculating is when we are beginning the process of procreation. Is that clear? Masturbation is not a reward — it is a selfish way to attain sexual gratification.
I agree with the next few statements. We don’t want to cheat on our wives, we still find them attractive, and we love them just the way they are.
And it does mean we are, in a roundabout way, masturbating. But it does mean something. By looking at pornography, we are trying to get the feelings that come from sex without the wife being involved. However, if it is the sensations you’re after, then that’s a problem. That is not why we have sex. It is not the sensation that is the goal. It is the unity it brings.
Paul’s statements about pornography not being the problem are false. Yes, the other consequences of a porn addiction are there, but ask any wife here, and they will tell you this: even if trust was strong in a marriage, if communication was at a high, if the woman felt extremely attractive to her man, she would tell you that catching her husband looking at porn for the first time in his life would hurt.
Pornographic addiction CAN be overcome. I have watched people make total U-turns and forsake pornography entirely. Maybe you haven’t seen it (for I doubt the validity of your counseling certification, or at the very least your skill) but it’s there.
Sexual fantasies are not evil by any means. As long as they involve your spouse, and only your spouse. Yes, there will be temptations, but part of this mortal existence involves overcoming them.
Now, “Mary”, let me address your claims. Again, mostly true, just twisted.
Of your list, only sexual fantasy is not entirely evil. The rest involve unconditionally betraying your spouse. As for your comment on homosexuality, it is not the sexual preference that is evil. It is the actions taken to whet the appetite that are evil.
In dealing with lust, you cannot simply suppress it. The best way is to only think of your spouse.
Lusting after another is the evil part. What does God say about lust? He calls it adultery in the heart. Adultery is one of the evils singled out in the well-known Ten Commandments. You can connect the dots, I hope.
Porn isn’t only aimed to trap men, I agree. 50% of young girls have been exposed to pornography by age 14. It’s out there. One of my greatest fears is that, when I am married, my spouse will be into porn. I’m not the most attractive man by any means. And for my wife to look at porn would hurt me more than I’d be able to bear without Christ’s supporting arm.
But the fact that porn has been designed for women as well does not change its wicked nature. It is all evil. It detracts from a loving relationship. If you went home and found your husband (you are married, I presume) looking at porn, I imagine you’d be a little shocked.
It is perfectly okay to have normal human desires. It is, well, normal. It is acting on those desires, however, that causes damage in a marriage. And sex should be fun. Well, at the very least, enjoyable. God created those sensations so we would be encouraged to start a family. And it wouldn’t change whether or not he looks at porn. Take the infamous example of Tiger Woods. He was married to a swimsuit model. I’m sure he enjoyed every moment with her. But he still went after other women.
Yes, it is okay to enjoy sex. No, it is not okay to submit to lust — especially if it’s after the grocery bagger you talked to last week.
God didn’t create vibrators and porn, last I checked. It was manna that fell from the sky, not Playboy.
Ooh, Leaping Judas, you bring up an interesting point. Ashley is not parading her husband’s head on a stick. She is only sharing with us her feelings about the addiction. Show some sympathy, man!
Ashley –
Thank God I found this webpage. Reading your story is exactly what I’m living. I’m so sad I don’t know how I can continue to walk around my family and friends like everything I’m living is great. I’ve been married for 30 years. My husband has a heart condition but also a major problem with porn.
Through the years I have treated him with respect and love. I’ve been a true blue wife. I work hard, try to keep the house clean, etc. When I turned 45 he went to the guest room and never returned. Using his illness as an excuse I believed him. What a fool I am. He has been satisfying his needs with porn and contacting women via e-mail. I accidentially found it on his computer. I confronted him and he finally admitted it was true. I feel sick!!! I don’t want to take any action now because of my anger. I’m letting things ride for now.
I will turn to God. He has always been there for me. Always.
He is the only one I can trust now and forever.
A Note to Our Blog Readers:
I’ve received a number of comments and e-mails asking me to remove Paul’s comment from this post. While I do not agree with most of the things Paul says about pornography and lust, I do not want to delete his comment and thereby negate the very relevant discussion his comment has sparked.
As a policy, I approve most comments on this blog unless they are spam or they are wholeheartedly disrespectful and profane. Truth be told, there are many comments posted on Breaking Free I disagree with. But the whole point of having a place for comments is so we can interact with the Internet community.
Wow. I just caught up with these comments. I agree with you, Luke. Keeping these comments up here is a good idea. And I think you handled the lash out at Covenant Eyes very well. :) Keep doing what you’re doing here. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. And if that’s the case, I bet the devil opposes the humble and gives lies to the proud … even in the form of blog comments.
Wow,
Paul unbeliable its hateful ignorant men like you that have no clue. Ihave one thing to say to ALL the wifes GET RID OF THE LOOSER HUBBANDS!!! life is to short and to beautiful to have dead weight around like that. One women posted on here aboutdoing things to make YOU happy. Hey he is while you are all crying and trying to reason with them as to why they do it or how much it hurts you. They are masterbating tothat chick on the computer or in the move… I hate men and all are the same. I dont need a man in my life to make me happyI have God and my self pleasure at least my hand wont betray me….Godd luck ladies.
I am reading these posts with interest and dismay. I would just tell Paul and the others, that so called “natural” desires should not involve hurtful actions and shattered trust inside the bonds of a loving relationship or involve deceptions, lies and infidelity. Whether you call pornography use and addiction by men or women “sin”, it is still harmful to their relationships and more than likely actually causing shame and guilt in the user which is unhealthy. You, Paul, like a lot of men want to justify the use of images by assuming all sexual tendencies are natural, therefore acceptable. However, we have brains and hopefully have evolved to the point that we can act and behave in ways that are more healthy for ourselves and our relationships. If you think a partner can just get over the devastation she/he feels when deceived in this way, I say why don’t you try getting over your “natural” need to use pornography or indulge your lustful tendencies? Good luck.
I think the posts by Paul, and responses would be appropriate to remove from the site.