When They Don’t Want to Change: Counseling Someone in Sexual Sin

Whether the problem is pornography, cybersex, or physical adultery, confronting sexual sin is not always met with signs of genuine repentance. If the comments throughout our blog are any indication, often husbands or wives can show little to no remorse for their sexual wrongdoings.

Winston Smith, counselor at CCEF, speaks in this video about how to counsel someone who expresses no desire to change.

Sexual sin is a kind of madness.

  • Everybody knows, by their God-given conscience, that sin is worthy of God’s judgment (Romans 1:32; 2:15).
  • We also see beginning signs of this punishment every time God allows us to experience the personal, social, and physical consequences of our sexual sin (Romans 1:24-27).
  • Further, every human being can look into the created world and know a powerful and divine Creator exists who is worthy of our worship and thanks. And yet we choose to divert our affection, attention, and devotion to created things, and we make these things the center of our lives (Romans 1:18-23). Instead of worshiping God we worship sexual pleasure itself, or a particular person who gives us gratification, or a fantasy experience that gives us what we really want (pleasure, significance, desire to be loved, control, power, comfort, etc.). We do this despite our knowledge that nothing is worthy of that kind of ultimate attention except God Himself.
  • Lastly, those who have learned about God from the Bible are doubly guilty: the clearest revelation has been given about the evil of sin, but we still run headlong into it.

Winston advices those who have no desire to change to ask themselves why. Why do I want what I know is wrong? Behind the answer to this question is evidence that we cannot change ourselves. Our desires are depraved. Someone outside of ourselves must change us. We don’t just need forgiveness: we need transformation. For someone who does not want to repent of sexual sin, this is the place to start.

Winston Smith is the author of the new book, Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change Through Ordinary Moments, which came out this month.

You can hear Winston and many other qualified counselors speak at the upcoming CCEF marriage conference, ONE: For Better and Worse.