Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
Ashley – if I may be so bold to ask:
Why do you feel betrayed by your husband expressing his natural human desires through looking at pornography?
To play the Devil’s advocate – how does he feel about you exposing to the world, his natural desire to view pornography?
Is that not a betrayal of the bonds of marriage as well?
How does George feel, really feel, about you telling the world that you think that he is a sinful, dishonest, evil human being?
If I were an awful human being, I would suggest that via your public outpouring of faux grief, you have displayed yourself to be a somewhat unpleasant person who is hell bent on wrapping a very public cilice around the thigh of her husband for a perceived slight.
What you are doing is exercising a self indulgent indulgence in self righteousness as the expense of George.
If you truly loved him, instead of trying to suppress his desires, you would perhaps try to understand them.
It is clear to me that you see him as someone to be controlled, someone that you need to keep in check, someone who must be exactly what you want him to be.
If I may quote Corinthians 13:4 to you:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. “
You have violated all of the above, particularly the keeping record of wrongs.
How can you call yourself a servant of your god when you so easily dismiss what you believe to be his word?
Paul,
Your post is the only one on this sad trail of guilt, shame, denial and self loathing that contains any modicum of reason.
Those who equate fantasy, lust, masturbation, porn and the like with evil, or “sin”, are no better than those who pillory homosexuals for the sexual preference that they were born with.
Lust is a natural human feeling and to suppress it is as dangerous as suppressing anger – it will merely fester.
The expression of lust within a loving relationship – be it via fantasy or porn, or even inviting others into a polyamorous embrace with yourself and your partner – is a very healthy thing.
The perception that the posters on this page seem to have is that only men look at porn or engage in sexual fantasies is most amusing to me.
Having worked in the adult entertainment industry for a number of years, I can confirm that the majority of the customers that walked through my doors were in fact, women.
That is correct – women are humans too.
Women have the same desires and needs as men.
Women too, gain pleasure from sex.
Women too, enjoy fantasising and are capable of lust.
Women too, enjoy watching porn.
Perhaps if you stopped thinking that “men are evil, sinful beings” and had a look at some of the porn that has been specifically designed with women in mind – by female directors, writers and producers – you might come to understand that porn is not all evil.
Perhaps too, if you acknowledged the fact that it is ok to have normal human desires, that lust is natural, that sex should be fun, that it is ok to fellate your husband or tie him up or have him perform cunnilingus on you, or for you to use a vibrator… perhaps if you expanded your marital sex life beyond the missionary position… perhaps he would have less of a need to sneak off and watch porn behind your back.
Ladies, it is ok to enjoy sex. It is ok to submit to lust.
Why on earth would God have created orgasms, vibrators, lust and porn if He didn’t want us to enjoy it?
@Mary – Why do you believe God made porn?
Its sad to read your article because God did not create vibrators nor did he create porn. Those things were created by man.
i replied to your post, but didn’t click “reply” first. I assume you posted your thoughts with intention of replies.
Paul-
Although, we are animals, God made us to become “enlightened” and go beyond our animal instincts and urges.
The majority of the women who participate in the porn industry have been raped and/or molested as children. They are the prey of the industry. They are easily exploited because they have low self-seteem and have never felt truly loved. When you condone the exploitation of young women, who deeply need love and help instead, by watching pornography, then you are a part of the evil as well.
Whether you mean to or not, most of what you said in your post is HERESY. If you really want to know what God wants and EXPECTS of us, then you need to go back and read the Bible again.
Just because we are born sinners, does not make it okay to sin.
@Paul – You obviously aren’t coming from the same position we are about the nature of lust. While I agree that masturbation does not always involve lust, when it is fruit of lust it is sinful. Why would you think lust isn’t sinful? Exactly how do you define “sin”?
I have been married 31 years. I found my husband looking at porn when I was 8 months pregnant 28 years ago. It devasted me as I felt so unattractive at that point of my life. He was very remorseful.
We both accepted the Lord as our Saviour 24 years ago. To make a long story shorter………
I couldn’t have been more proud of my husband for the first 7-8 years. We got involved in a church and he thrived, until the church pretty much split apart. ( I never ever thought about his porn issue, thinking it was a one time deal.)
We left the church and have been away for many years. Four years ago, I lost my mother and the Lord used her death to bring me back to him. I feel closer to the Lord than I ever have been. The only thing is, I have not found a church..yet.
My husband has always been a good man and I love him very much. He has not looked to the Lord for guidance in a long time. I don’t say anything, I don’t want to be judgemental.
Well, 2 nights ago I had the flu and was laying on the sofa watching tv. Unfortunely, for my husband, I came into the same room he was in while he was on the computer (he fell asleep for a minute) and woke up while I walked in. He slammed his computer closed. He was looking at porn. Apparently, besides the years in church – he has on a weekly basis lookied at that trash for our whole marriage.
He has never litterally cheated on me but it feels the same way. Again, he is remorseful and will do whatever it takes….he loves me very much, he says.
I don’t know where to go from here. We made love last night….what is wrong with me??? My mind is wondering who has been in our marriage bed all these years in his mind.
If I told one soul that we both know, they wouldn’t believe it. We have had the “perfect picture” marriage. I didn’t think I was so stupid. I know he loves me but I can’t help but shake the feeling of being totally inadequate. I’m embarrassed at this stage of life we are going through this. I’m 50 , I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this still! I could loose some weight but I have people constantly telling me I look like I’m 37 and they think I’m pretty.
Part of me feels like just ignoring this and going on with our life….but I can’t. I told him he has a choice. The Lord first, then me or we will have to end this marriage. I can’t live with one foot in the light of Jesus and be married to a man the follows darkness. I will keep a close eye on him- give him time, forgiveness and prayer…..and hope he comes “home” to the Lord.
My brother’s and sister in Christ, am I being fair?
Ashley,
Thank you for this post. I have been married for 5 years and have 3 beautiful children. This month marks a full year since I discovered my husband had been looking at porn. The computer history showed that it had only been for three months, but who really knows.
It is true what you say about turning to God. He really is the only one who can make things better. The past 4 days have been really bad for me. I’ve been crying constantly and uncontrollably. I never know when it’s going to be bad again. It’ll be good for a week and then bad for a week. Nothing my husband or anybody else says can make it better, because nothing they say can change the fact that it happened. God doesn’t stop my tears, but he allows me to gain enough strengh to get up and be the mother, person and wife that he blessed me to be.
When I was younger, I believed that people weren’t perfect, but that LOVE was. After this, I realize that human love is just as imperfect as the human. The only love that is perfect is that of God. I wish i had known this when I entered marriage.
I keep waiting for this horrible feeling of worthlessness and ugliness to go away. I try to read Proverbs 31 when I feel this way, and it seems to help a little bit.
Anyway, I find myself hating the world, all men, the media, girls in tight revealing clothing….and pretty much 99% of images that are forcefed into our minds everyday that are sexually tempting.
The thing is that I am in great shape after having 3 kids and have men hit on me quite a bit. This just goes to show that there is nothing you can do. There is nothing a wife can do.
i don’t believe in the LOVE that I always believed as a young adult. It doesn’t exist. My husband and I were perfectly in love. It was us against the world. We thought our love was more special than any other. But, it isn’t. The only special love is God’s.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, but I pray every day for God to help me be the person I should be regardless of my husband’s betrayal. I fear I will have to feel this way and pray this way for the reat of my life. I really hope other women out there find a way to feel okay and finally not hurt. I pray for other women. It is such a unbearable pain.
Thank you so much for responding to my comment. I was just wondering what your email address is . I would love to talk to someone.
ashleyweis23 [at] gmail [dot] com
yes my name is catherine, i have been married to my husband for 5 years and have 3 babies by him. Recently my husband has been into watching porn and when i confront him about it he denies it and gets upset with me and yells at me. I tried to confront him today and felt bad for doing it. Usually i would know what to do in a situation like this but he is so active in church and talks about God so much that it makes me feel like i am wrong. I know for a fact hes looking it up and i cant stop hurting over it im so sad and i dont want to keep going on like this.
hello beautiful catherine … i know it’s painful. especially when you have babies together and he won’t admit to what you know is the truth. there’s so much more i’d love to talk to you about … if you want to email me feel free.
Hey Ashley, feel free to email me if you want to. I would love to send you a big long email with a virtual hug. :)
ashley [at] morethandesire [dot] com
Hi i just wanted to touch base with what has happened in the last few months with my family. Yesterday my husband told me for the first time in 5 years, of what i thought to be a happy marriage, that he has been watching porn when i wasnt around. I dont want this comment to be too long but at times i feel worthless and i cant stop crying. I dont want my kids to have to see me like this.