5 Important Things To Know About Singleness and Porn

Let’s face it: being single is challenging on so many levels.

You may feel like you “deserve” or need sexual release and turn to porn, or you may be driven into a deep sense of shame by unwanted or uncontrollable porn use and feel like nobody will ever love you because of it.

Often, it’s a mixture of both feelings.

Friend, none of this is true. Here are five important things to know about singleness (and porn).

Singleness Doesn’t Make You Defective

When you’re single, life can seem like a lone effort. While married couples may be able to share simple things like eating dinner and doing taxes, singles often dwell in solitude for these mundane tasks. And we probably don’t need to mention the physical intimacy you feel like you’re missing.

On top of that, culture never knows what to do with people in prolonged singleness. Churches often treat unmarried people as if there’s something wrong with them for not marrying. Outside the church, pop culture assumes that if you’re not in a serious monogamous relationship, you’re at least going on dates and sleeping around.

You may even start believing that of yourself—that you are being denied a relationship by God or others, or that you’re somehow defective and don’t deserve it.

You are not somehow defective if you aren’t sleeping around or in a relationship. You don’t need a romantic partner to be a whole person.

That said, marriage is a good and holy desire—one that reflects that God created us for relationships. Our very bodies and sex drives demonstrate this. Unfortunately, like all of creation, sin reached in and corrupted that good and holy union.

You Don’t Need Sex

A lot of people treat sex like a requirement on the tier of food, water, and shelter. Many single people justify their porn use because they don’t have a spouse who can meet their “sexual needs.” Some marriage books and Christian leaders have even described sex as a physical need, especially for men.

Here’s the thing, though: Sex isn’t a need. It’s good and enjoyable—God made our bodies that way. But it isn’t a need.

Your body needs food.

Your body needs air.

But your body does not need sex in order to survive.

Porn Trains You For Relationship Failure

Walking into marriage with unaddressed porn in your life is setting your marriage up for failure.

Start by reminding yourself of how old you were when you first started using porn regularly. For many young adults, it started when they were 12 or 13, possibly around the time they got their first smartphone or tablet. Some people may have started when they were even younger.

Now subtract that age from how old you are now. That’s how long you’ve been training your brain on porn. That might be years. That might even be decades. Either way, it’s probably been a while.

What’s the impact of that time?

Over that time you’ve trained yourself on novelty. Now, obviously you have preferences in what you look at. But the performers themselves are different. Porn sites give you endless variety; you can search and scroll through countless videos to find exactly what you’re looking for. You’ve been training your brain to say, “It feels good when we look for these particular traits in a person. Let’s unleash all the chemicals that make us want to have sex whenever we see them.”

Even if you don’t feel a compulsion to watch porn at this point, you’ve still been training your brain on variety. One person can never match up to thousands of porn performers.

Marriage Won’t Fix Your Porn Problem

Marriage won’t magically fix your porn problem. The cravings and triggers won’t go away. In fact, walking into marriage with that expectation is just setting your marriage up for failure.

The truth is, you probably started turning to porn to regulate your emotions, your moods, or even physical states, and you’ve been doing it for so long that your brain automatically associates porn as the cure-all.

Think about when you usually view porn. That might be before bed, on a Friday afternoon, or when something happened during the day that upset you. Focus on how you often feel in the minutes or hours before you turn to porn. Are you tired? Bored? Lonely? Angry? Stressed? Some combination?

These are called triggers, and they differ for everyone, but the net result is the same: you see, feel, or experience that thing and you start craving porn.

The important thing to understand about triggers is that they don’t go away when you’re married. You’ll still have those bad days at work. You’ll still see those billboards. You’ll still crave porn—and importantly, you’ll crave porn, not just sex with your spouse. It’s like the difference between popcorn and corn on the cob. They may contain the same ingredients (corn, butter, salt), but if you’re craving popcorn, then corn on the cob won’t meet that need. It may reduce the hunger, but not the craving.

Similarly, sex might sate you temporarily, but the craving for porn will still be there.

You Should Detox Before Dating

By committing to a detox before you start dating—which also means you’re committing to an intentional period of not dating—you’re giving your brain a break from seeing other people as sexual objects. Instead, you can (and should) focus on good old-fashioned friendships.

The ultimate idea behind these is that you are working to detox your body and mind from the effects of porn. This detoxing is so important! When looking for a partner, pornography has trained you to focus on sex and physical traits, with an emphasis on personal gratification and fulfillment. More simply put, porn trains you to be selfish. But marriage should be the opposite of selfish. Marriage is about “the two becoming one flesh” (paraphrasing Genesis 2:24).

This detox prior to dating will also leave you better prepared to face the difficult times that all relationships encounter. Without the detox, when you have strong disagreements or go through stressful times together, you’re likely to go straight back to pornography to self-soothe—a solution that will only put strain on your relationship.

By starting your detox before you date, you’re giving yourself the chance to learn healthier responses to stressful situations. When you have a plan for those difficult times, you’ll be less likely to slip up and watch porn when they arise in your relationship.