I remember looking in the mirror, sickened by what I saw. How could anyone love that person in the reflection? After all, she looked weary, scared, and hopeless. I cried out loud to the Lord to rescue me before I was completely lost. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t go down this road again. No more despair, no more life-ending thoughts. But the unbearable darkness that weighs heavy on your most inner being was back.
I had found pornography on my husband’s computer again. The betrayal was sucking my very life from me. I even began to question my faith in God. Was He even there? Didn’t He hear my cries? I was in the darkness of night and didn’t know if I believed that morning would ever come.
As you read this, perhaps you have been through this despair. You understand the drowning feeling when you can’t seem to take the next breath. I wish I could reach out and wrap my arms around you, dear woman. My prayer is you will find hope. Yes, that’s right…hope! Praise God for the hope He gives us in Christ Jesus!
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:11)
I’m sure that my story is not unique. It is one of great hurt, loss, forgiveness, and learning to trust again. But God! God truly is an awesome God and can perform miracles in our broken lives!
For 16 years I shared my marriage with a dark addiction. There were times when my husband assured me he was winning the battle, and I believed him. Then the darkest day came when my husband, a deacon in our church, was fired from his job because of the vast amounts of pornography found on his computer at work. He had been living a lie, and our family paid the price.
Related: How to Tell If Your Husband Is Really in Recovery
The Lord opened my eyes and told me this was going to hurt! “Hurt” doesn’t seem to say enough, does it? I am ashamed to say that I wrestled with pain, depression, insecurity and un-forgiveness before I laid my broken, shattered life before the feet of Christ.
I remember the exact moment, sitting in my car, crying my eyes out, I heard the Lord speak and ask me, “Will you still love me if (my husband’s name) is never faithful to you?” I got it in that very moment. I was relying on my husband to fix everything. I was relying on him to heal me and bring me happiness again.
We serve a jealous God (Exodus 20:5). My Lord wanted me! He wanted to be the full source of my joy. He wanted to heal me, give me forgiveness, and love for my husband that was not of myself.
I am not going to tell you that healing came instantly. It is a long journey that must begin every day at the foot of the cross. There are days when I lose sight of that and end up being weary. God did not intend for me to be that weary, scared, and hopeless image that I saw in the mirror. He wants me to be strong in Him.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
I am overjoyed as I wrap up my letter to you, dear women. I am overjoyed because through God, and God alone, my husband and I stand on this side of victory! Praise God, there is victory in Jesus! We have fought the grip of sin that intends to keep you as a slave forever.
Pornography can be a secret sin that slowly swallows your marriage, your honor, your self-worth, and even your faith. Behind every husband immersed in this sin is a shattered wife. Dear women, I pray for you right now. I pray that the Lord will keep you and hold you as you walk down this lonely road.
Related: An Open Letter to Wives of Porn Addicts
Stand and fight! Fight back against the devil and his evil schemes! He is a liar, a tempter, and a stealer of souls. You are precious! Stand firm and look at your reflection in that mirror once again. You are Christ’s child! You are a princess of the King! Call out to Him and he will adorn you with beauty and make you whole again. God is waiting. Please allow Him to lead you to a place of victory. We have lived in the darkness of night too long. Praise God, we are no longer shattered!
Jenny Sullivan is 36 years old and has been married to Jaret for 17 years. They have 4 beautiful children: a homegrown daughter, a homegrown son, a blessing from Ethiopia, and a treasure from China.
I need help. i have beeb married to my husband for a few months now. its always been hard. he called children services on me and i forgave him even though the allegations were false. even though he was talking to another married woman that hated her husband and was supposed to be my friend. they had a “thing” however far im unsure but always excused, denied, and forgotten. i don’t forget. I pray to God every day for hours upon relentless hours. When will this end. I used to feel so much closer to God my husband is beautiful on the outside, but hideous on the inside. I can’t stand being married to him, but I love him so much. He makes me feel so sick. Im tired of trying and he wants to put it all behind him. im in love with my kids so much, but he only pays care and attention to the thing in his pants. He’s nice to me when he wants to get something from me, but doesn’t work, masturbates, cant keep his eyeballs in his head, LET ALONE ON ME! Im sick and tired. Tired of loving a man that just lies. He lies to me, my friends, people in the community, he slanders me like its his job and has no remorse to prove for it. Show for it? Show for it. I’m tired. I hate crying. God please help us all. PLEASE!!!! :. ( </3
Hi Lost – It is so sad to hear about men like your husband who don’t realize how much damage they are causing. What man, when he is young, says to himself, “I want to grow up to be a terrible lover, selfishly taking from my wife what I can get, and enslaved to lust”? No one. Men like this need to wake up.
Have you been able to talk to someone about this problem? Someone you can talk with face to face?
I told my husband after I caught him in 2006 at 2nd relapse and I caught him the first time, it’s either porn or me. That made my husband stand up and take notice. I was NOT going to stay married to someone who was committing adultery b/c porn WILL lead to physical adultery and even worse.
1. My husband will never be able to use the computer alone again.
2. We are going to go to a support group for wives of sex addicts and sex addicts. It’s called Northstar Ministries.
Blazing Graze has a lot of good articles. We also bought Mike Genung’s book. He was a sexual addict for 20 years.
I caring tonight….. Take care everyone and be trainer stronger than I could be.
I’m struggling today because all trust has been lost in my marriage. We have only been married five months. My husband swore to me that he would never ever look at that stuff again and I caught him doing it again after just a month. I’m in therapy now and don’t know if the trust can be rebuilt. I struggle every day, hourly and minutely what he is looking at. Going anywhere in public causes me to go in panic mode. I just don’t know what to do. I am just so broken…..
Hi Damaris,
Your reactions are actually very normal. Many women suffer from acute trauma when they learn about their husbands using porn (trauma some psychologists say is similar to PTSD).
First, I want to offer you hope. There is hope for your husband and there is hope for your marriage. There is hope for your own heart being able to trust him again. Yes, it will take work on his part and your part, but that is true of any hurdle in marriage.
Second, your husband may need help overcoming this temptation in his life. Many men need help. After years of training their brain to respond sexually to digital women, it is a habit (even an addiction) that doesn’t die easily. Your husband needs to take ownership of this problem, recognize it as a sin against God and against you, and turn from it. He needs to take this seriously as he would other kinds in infidelity.
You would really benefit from reading Porn and Your Husband, a free e-book on our website.
Tonight at 1am I sit and read you letter to us with tears in my eyes. I lost the fight in me with my husband. Don’t get me wrong he is trying! I could relate to the living in hopelessness and despair and feeling ugly and sickening throughout our whole marriage. I actually feel numb and he hasn’t done anything . HE just recently got a new electronic that has covenant eyes on it and I just started to feel distanced and numb within minutes. So I cant see now and your right you do feel trapped! I cry out to God… and he is faithful and loves me this I know. I just need someone to love me with out fear of betrayal. Im not sure if I can handle this again……Im not sure if I want to hear another word of advice on what a wife is to do. Thank you for sharing your heart.
No advice, just love! There is only one who will love us unconditionally and will never, ever, fail us. We will hurt and fail each other. But Christ never will! I am so sorry you feel hopeless. I am sorry you have been hurt. This is a hard battle to fight, but I pray you don’t give up. We’re on this journey together, sweet woman!
Love,
Jenny
This article was so helpful to me, still after eight years of the same lies deceit and denial I feel as though I have zero esteem and zero faith in myself, I do not like who I have become and I never even married this man and now wont. He lies tells me to leave to go do errands just so he can fix his need with piles of porn on his computer and even has several lingerie sites that I have seen him maturbating to, he constantly tells me to stay off his computer and that I can not snoop, he may be right but every time I do I just hurt myself by finding more and more. My heart says after one marriage to abuse for most of my life this is worse as I feel betrayed and lied to and it only gets worse not to mention that he claims to love my ten year old but I wonder if she ever stumbled upon this what would it do to her. I have rented an apartment and because of my own insecurities feel like it is taking me way to long to just hold my head up save my self from years of more porn and deceit and just go. It is like he tells me he loves me but when he is around me I do not feel attractive I feel insecure and before I had so much pride in myself. I know this is my choosing for not loving myself enough to realize there is nothing I can do to change this it is an addiction just like his drinking and pot and before that in his younger years it was cocaine, Please help me before I loose everything to someone who has no chance of changing he does not think it is an issue.
Hi cynthia,
It is good for you to get some distance from him so you can think clearly about this. What does he think about your desire for him not to look at porn? Does he realize that he is losing you and his daughter? Does that matter to him?
I’m losing my hope because I thought we were on the side of victory and found stuff again. How will I ever know if he is truly free? How will i ever know if he is being truthful and faithful? I read the stories of hope and can’t help but be cynical. I’ve been here before. My husband is ashamed and pursuing help and he has never been abusive to me or our babies.He has admitted things to me he never did before. But he did all of this last time. I feel stupid for staying with him. I feel like I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of heartache. I love him and I have compassion for his struggles but I don’t know how I will ever heal if the wound keeps getting reopened.
Hi Gwen,
Your pain is understandable, and your distrust is also very normal. I’m so sorry to hear about this situation you’re facing right now.
These sort of setbacks can be very disheartening, but keep in mind that a setback does not mean progress wasn’t made. Progress for your husband does not mean never sinning again. This is the case with every issue in our lives. Progress for your husband should be marked by:
– Your husband hating his sin more
– Your husband seeking forgiveness and reconciliation more quickly
– Your husband saying no to temptations more readily
– Your husband pursuing openness, transparency, and accountability
Sometimes this progress is hard to see in the light of a recent failure, I know. It is also doesn’t take away the devastation of the failure for you: you don’t see all the times he has a choice in front of him and he chooses not to indulge. You don’t see every time he turns away from the temptation. What others see are his failures, and this is disheartening for you and him alike.
That said, the main issue for you is knowing what you need to do for your own sanity and for your marriage. I highly, highly recommend you find a counselor or group you can speak to about these matters. If you haven’t already, please seek out support for yourself: people you can speak with to get wisdom and emotional support. I also think you’d benefit greatly from this free video series by counselor Brad Hambrick about sexual betrayal. He walks spouses through steps of personal recovery like no one else I’ve ever seen. It is fantastic.
I pray you find the support you need, Gwen. My prayers are with you. Please write back and let me know how things are going.
Gwen,
I had to re-check your name on your letter, because I thought it was mine! We have exact stories. We have been on this side of victory several times before, only to hit bottom and barely pull ourselves up again. I was trying to be very careful when I wrote words like “standing in victory”. We are only in victory because of the precious blood that our savior shed for us on the cross!
We take a big risk. By standing with our husbands, choosing to love and ultimately choosing to forgive, we open ourselves up to being hurt again. There is only one way on this earth that I could do such a thing; it’s with the full armor of God. Is it easy?? No!! Satan continues to shoot his fiery darts my way. On days that I’m feeling weak, those darts begin to penetrate. But then I remember,
Ephesians 6:12
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
I am not fighting against my husband. I am not fighting against pornography. I am not fighting against my self-worth, or my dignity as a woman. I am fighting against satan!! Please remember that.
I have a very special place in my heart for you. I am going to remember you in my prayers often.
Heavenly Father, I pray for my sister-in-Christ, Gwen. Saturate her with your peace. Give her love and forgiveness for her husband that is only found in You. Heal your precious daughter! She needs you now. You promise to be with the broken-hearted. We thank you for your promise. In Jesus name, Amen!
Love in Christ,
Jenny
Thank you Luke….I guess sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m dealing with. My hope is that it is merely a set back but then fear and doubt creeps up inside of me and I feel like maybe none of what we went through last time was real. I see where he did not follow up. I see where there were “holes” in his recovery plan. I know that I took control of some things that he needed to resolve to do on his own. So now knowing what I know about this sin it is no wonder we are here again. But I am really struggling with what hope looks like. The video series you recommended is spot on! And so practical! I’ve only watched the first one but will faithfully go through all of them and I’ve asked my husband to do the companion series as well. Jenny, thank you for your prayers. They mean so much to me coming from an understanding heart. I struggle to be encouraged by your words though because this is a path I do not want to walk. I can forgive. I know God can heal me and I know I need to model my Savior and offer grace no matter how many times its needed. But I”m not God, I’m human and I don’t want this for my family….for the rest of my life. That just doesn’t spell victory for me. We went to a celebrate recovery meeting the other night and while I think it was great for him it was one of the lowest points for me because I was told there is hope but the hope looked like your story. One lady had been repeatedly hurt for going on 7 years. I’m confused how that is hope.
Hi Gwen,
First of all, I would say that your question about what real hope consists of is a great question. To answer you, I would say that our ultimate hope for freedom from all the pains of sin is the Christ returns. Paul writes that, with eager hope, all of creation longs for the day when we will be free from death and decay. We believers also groan, looking forward to that day. We wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children (Romans 8). When it feels like you can’t take the pain of sin anymore, this is a cue to turn your pain into fervent prayer and set your eyes on things above.
That said, we do receive foretastes of our ultimate freedom. God can and does heal marriages that are harmed by sin. Not every marriage recovers for the same reason that many Christians continue to sin: we haven’t arrived at our final home yet. That said, the hope you have is found in the character of God who has promised He will make all things right.
Continue to work through that video series. As you do, I highly recommend you find one other person to watch the videos with you (or at least watch them on her own and then talk to you about them). I will be very helpful to talk to others as you learn these truths. I recommend the same for your husband.
I know exactly how you feel. I have only been dealing with it since January this time. We are going to counseling but it seems like one step forward and two steps back. Then I will catch him at it again. The counselor has suggested he go to a SA meeting or SA counselor, he refuses, he will tell me god has taken it from him, I want to believe that but I don’t know that I ever could. I don’t know how to learn to trust him or if he is still just in denial. I have been married to this man for 37 years, crazy that he is such a different person since porn became a problem.
Yeah, men will often feel a sense of relief similar to what your husband expresses: “god has taken it from me.” I’ve never seen that last, however. Most men just do not grasp the underlying issues that they’re dealing with, because our culture has taught men to deny, repress, and ignore their emotions. Porn is the perfect solution (until it’s not any more). The real work for men is facing up to their own pain and their dysfunctional ways of coping. SA would be a great start on recognizing what those patterns look like for him.
Here, here, and here are some articles for you on boundaries to help as you go forward.
Hi. I want to tell you that your article on the betrayal of porn was outstanding. I have been so angry and upset over so much in my life…since the summer of 2008. My husband has had so many job issues, etc. Then “guarding” his computer…actually once lying down on it when he thought I was on to something.
The lies, the deceit..the never ending “That’s not mine”. When I show him a printed out porno youtube page with all the filth on it. IT IS CHEATING. I recently found once again in his history not only porn..but a free adult website where he can visit–get this–any woman in the world online in their homes…these ladies are all nude ladies who have web cams from home and want to have sex chats. What the heck huh? I mean really now. PORN IS AN addiction and is a mental illness. My husband used to be darling and so nice…he has been abusive over the past two years…due to major debt/joblessness/and then I find him (snuck home at times during the day) masturbating to porn or to a pretty woman on our tv set! The addiction is the demonic something or another…..it is so creepy. I compare it to an alcoholic ……….but WORSE. It is so insidious/ie. hidden. The perfect looking dad, four beautiful kids…wearing a polo shirt and taking his sons to scouts then all sickly during the day when everyone is gone. Actually it is quite sad.
I have been trying to reach out to God….then get this……….suddenly he goes to church more and twists and turns everything on me. I think he has no only online cheated on me but in real life. He is SO not the man I married. I need to leave him …..but I am finding it very hard as he tries hard to turn it on me. Not the porn…ha…he denies…denies…ahhhh the DENIAL IN and of ITSELF is part of the major part of this disease PORNO!! Denial. Denial. It is so sad.
He will call me and “unfit” mom……and once even was in a psychotic moment (he will deny forever) saying “your endangering our children”…I was working full time cuz he was on a frigging computer all day long………..and he in a delusional moment accuses me of endangering my children as I was getting my coffee in the kitchen and he was on his “lock down” computer. (oh sickening…locking everything..how does he even live with himself?) I had to call in sick to my job cuz he was nutso. He then jumped up and called the police on me! I quickly grabbed my cute boys and beelined outta the house! Far away…………….he actually–yes–my porn addict called the cops on ME! I am a professional MD and work in the healthfield. I think to myself I must be losing it. Geesh how long can this go on? Why did I not leave after him doing this? I went back….and over the past 4 yrs. no job…then a job…………then computer B.S. UGH THE LIES. It is all maddening.
So tonite I was stressed and somehow stumbled upon this wonderful ariticle of “hope”. I go to alanon and another support group for the mentally ill. My husband has even jumped outta bed grabbing himself saying “your trying to rape me!” I was so scared…later I figure was he seeing a prostitute from a website in me? What was going on? It is all INSANITY. I know that it can and WILL get worse ladies so be careful.
Yes…trust in God as I think that (and my beautiful kids) is all I have left. I don’t care anymore about ‘things” in my home……my husband can barely hold a job due to his illness that he denies……..it is life altering and extremely sad. pray. pray and then more. Slowly but surely turning to God and “letting go” and “letting God” help me is happening…but it is ultra hard! They do say if your relationship with God is intact that is all you need. Of course health too but God can help you with your life if you let him.
Thank you to Jenny Sullivan for helping me and for giving me a little extra hope. Some mornings I could barely get outta bed……for my job…the put downs from my husband and me doing everything wrong………the lies………..the phone sex stuff/porno……….all so secretive and debilitating and all blamed on me! But he never admits it which could make one smash their head against a wall…..the guy I once “married” UGH.
Keep the faith ladies, pray and then pray some more. I no longer desire my husband as he keeps lying that he is not looking at other women. 22 and 24 yrs. old..having web cam sex …and chatting …..it is so betraying and screw the guy who says “all men do it”!!!
Hope nobody gets to the abuse point/delusional point. Becuz you must go…………..on your terms though. Bless all of you.
Mary, I’m sooo sad to hear that and it is definitely abuse. In order to “leave on your own terms” you may find help at cryingoutforjustice.com
I appreciate you sharing! I’m going thru the same…. my husband the last 2 years has been involved in Porn and trash dating web sights! With Women and Men!! Going thru a divorce.. he has blamed me for everything! When he works out of town! And has lied cheated on me!! It’s hard and stressful but God hears my prayers!!
Thank you so much!! You don’t know what it meant to me to hear a story of someone else who is actually living on the side of victory. We are only 13 months out, but praise God we are on the side of victory.
Again, thank you for the encouragement!
You are the reason I write! I know God has placed a desire in my heart to encourage other women. I feel like I am walking this journey to complete healing and victory with you and the other wives out there. Yes, Praise God for victory in HIM!!
Blessings,
Jenny
Hello I understand what you are going through it happened to me and God healed my husband and is the most loving caring husband to me and our two children to.