I remember looking in the mirror, sickened by what I saw. How could anyone love that person in the reflection? After all, she looked weary, scared, and hopeless. I cried out loud to the Lord to rescue me before I was completely lost. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t go down this road again. No more despair, no more life-ending thoughts. But the unbearable darkness that weighs heavy on your most inner being was back.
I had found pornography on my husband’s computer again. The betrayal was sucking my very life from me. I even began to question my faith in God. Was He even there? Didn’t He hear my cries? I was in the darkness of night and didn’t know if I believed that morning would ever come.
As you read this, perhaps you have been through this despair. You understand the drowning feeling when you can’t seem to take the next breath. I wish I could reach out and wrap my arms around you, dear woman. My prayer is you will find hope. Yes, that’s right…hope! Praise God for the hope He gives us in Christ Jesus!
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:11)
I’m sure that my story is not unique. It is one of great hurt, loss, forgiveness, and learning to trust again. But God! God truly is an awesome God and can perform miracles in our broken lives!
For 16 years I shared my marriage with a dark addiction. There were times when my husband assured me he was winning the battle, and I believed him. Then the darkest day came when my husband, a deacon in our church, was fired from his job because of the vast amounts of pornography found on his computer at work. He had been living a lie, and our family paid the price.
Related: How to Tell If Your Husband Is Really in Recovery
The Lord opened my eyes and told me this was going to hurt! “Hurt” doesn’t seem to say enough, does it? I am ashamed to say that I wrestled with pain, depression, insecurity and un-forgiveness before I laid my broken, shattered life before the feet of Christ.
I remember the exact moment, sitting in my car, crying my eyes out, I heard the Lord speak and ask me, “Will you still love me if (my husband’s name) is never faithful to you?” I got it in that very moment. I was relying on my husband to fix everything. I was relying on him to heal me and bring me happiness again.
We serve a jealous God (Exodus 20:5). My Lord wanted me! He wanted to be the full source of my joy. He wanted to heal me, give me forgiveness, and love for my husband that was not of myself.
I am not going to tell you that healing came instantly. It is a long journey that must begin every day at the foot of the cross. There are days when I lose sight of that and end up being weary. God did not intend for me to be that weary, scared, and hopeless image that I saw in the mirror. He wants me to be strong in Him.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
I am overjoyed as I wrap up my letter to you, dear women. I am overjoyed because through God, and God alone, my husband and I stand on this side of victory! Praise God, there is victory in Jesus! We have fought the grip of sin that intends to keep you as a slave forever.
Pornography can be a secret sin that slowly swallows your marriage, your honor, your self-worth, and even your faith. Behind every husband immersed in this sin is a shattered wife. Dear women, I pray for you right now. I pray that the Lord will keep you and hold you as you walk down this lonely road.
Related: An Open Letter to Wives of Porn Addicts
Stand and fight! Fight back against the devil and his evil schemes! He is a liar, a tempter, and a stealer of souls. You are precious! Stand firm and look at your reflection in that mirror once again. You are Christ’s child! You are a princess of the King! Call out to Him and he will adorn you with beauty and make you whole again. God is waiting. Please allow Him to lead you to a place of victory. We have lived in the darkness of night too long. Praise God, we are no longer shattered!
Jenny Sullivan is 36 years old and has been married to Jaret for 17 years. They have 4 beautiful children: a homegrown daughter, a homegrown son, a blessing from Ethiopia, and a treasure from China.
I have been in denial about my husband’s addiction since he told me soon after we were married 26 years ago. We tried seeking counselling. The first time the counsellor laughed at my husband after he plucked up the courage to go forward for prayer after a meeting and said I should be willing to have sex more often. In fact I was the one wanting more sex. We were then put in touch with a counsellor who kept putting us off for months so we gave up in the end. Now with lockdown I fear my husband is struggling again but is not speaking to me as we had a minor disagreement which I apologised for. I don’t feel I can turn to anyone hence writing this post. I can’t sleep anyway but this has made matters worse and I feel so alone. I’m just trying to leave him in God’s hands as I love him so much and still respect him in spite of everything.
Steph,
I am so sorry for the poor responses you received when seeking help. It’s truly terrible to make yourself vulnerable and then to receive that sort of response. No woman should ever be told that she should just be willing to have sex more often; that’s abusive advice.
I want to offer you a really excellent online resource: Bloom for Women. You can try it out for free for a couple of weeks, and view many of their helpful resources. They take a trauma informed approach for women, and an attachment approach for couples. There are resources for you individually and for you together as a couple.
This is such a stressful time as we all cope with lockdown, and getting some support for one of the major stressors in a low-key, online environment may help lift just a bit of burden.
Peace,
Kay
I am looking at this article on April 6th, 2018, and although it was written in 2013 it resonates very loudly with me. Loving my husband has never been an issue for me in my almost 30 years of marriage. Even though he married me under false pretenses and brought a serious addiction to pornography into the marriage after asking him prior to marriage if this was an issue he struggled with. Knowing this he still asked me to marry him and I did not know about his addiction until the summer of 2001 when we had already been married for 13 years. There were plenty of warning signs along the way that should have tipped me off long before this but he was able to explain them away, and keep me in the dark.
I am responding to this article because some times even though we love God with all our hearts and seek after Him, do all we can in the way of supporting and loving our spouse through all of his struggles there is not victory over the sin of pornography.
My husband has had counseling, been through pornography addiction groups, in patient treatment, had countless people praying for and encouraging and supporting him and still he chooses a sinful life style over completely yielding to God and this has spilled over into other areas of his life, not just pornography.
God is very clear on where He stands against sexual immorality and although He gives chance after chance there can come a time where the sinner in his selfishness is given over to his sin.
I sit at my desk sharing this because I have given my husband 30 years of chances to become victorious over this sin and time after time he has chosen to keep going back to this sinful lifestyle.
We can be as loving and forgiving as we want but when does this turn into enabling our men to become comfortable with their sin. How much devistation to their wives and families should be allowed or tolerated. If a line is never drawn in the sand and he knows that there will never be consequences for his actions, what is his motivation for changing. It is not a sin to leave in such situations because this is a sin that defiles the marriage bed and should be carefully considered especially when there are children in the home.
My husband decided that he had “ruined” my life for long enough and between Christmas of 2017 and New Years of 2018 decided it was time to leave after many years of chances, forgiveness and an unrelenting determination on my part to try and fight for our marriage. He ultimately moved out in February of 2018. I know he feels guilt and shame for being a slave to this sin amongst many other things he is dealing with, but I believe his true motivation was to get out of an environment where he was being convicted of the sin and is now free to live the lifestyle that he wants to lead without being held accountable to anyone. He claims he is trying to change however there has been very little movement in that direction.
Since his departure I have been going to a Divorce Care group and have come to realize that by being yoked to someone who claims to know and trust God with all their heart yet lives as if they don’t has over the years clouded some of my own understanding of God’s Word. When you have someone constantly lying, telling you you’re over reacting, that your beliefs are too rigid, making you feel like your going crazy and purposefully playing mind games with you in order to keep their sin from being found out, it does tend to pull you down rather than you lifting them up. I have constantly had to go back to God’s Word to evaluate and make sure that what my husband is telling me lines up with the scriptures and when it doesn’t realigning myself. This becomes exhausting. Couple that with the constant betrayals and rejections, even the strongest of believers has a hard time staying positive.
My husband is the one pursuing the divorce, but I have come to understand that it is not my responsibility to be my husbands personal Holy Spirit, it is a job I am unqualified for and although he has no Biblical grounds to do divorce me, in the end I am better off without him. That may seem harsh and I have not given up on the possiblity that God may yet get my husband to surrender but after being with this man for nearly 30 years I fully understand the reality of the grip that this has on his life and his inability as of yet to surrender it fully.
I do not know what the future holds in regards to my relationship with my husband, but I do know who holds my future in His hands and I can face that future knowing that I did absolutely everything that I could do to fight for my marriage and I feel no shame before the Lord in that regard. I cannot make my husband do anything and I believe that there has to come a time in every relationship, especially when the spouse is choosing to stay in the sin and not make steps toward changing that you should leave. I don’t know when that point is for each person and in my case my husband decided for me, however, I do believe I was near my own breaking point.
I guess what I am really trying to say is, Press into Jesus. He is the only reason I am still able to get up each morning and keep fighting in a world that is so far from Him. My identity and your identity and worth comes only from HIm. If you are looking for your spouse, children or any person to fill a void in your life they are definitely going to fail. Jesus is the only one who can fill that void and He will never fail you. Your hope only comes from Him!!!
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that your husband wasn’t able to do the work of recovery. And I’m grateful for the peace and healing you are discovering, even in the midst of such a difficult time.
Jenny,
Thank you so much for writing this blessing and encouragement. It has been 8 months since we installed covenant eyes on all of our devices. Just now are we starting to deal with the emotional toil that porn has had on our marriage. We talk and cry together as we work through the crap that has tainted what once were beautiful memories of our first year of marriage. We have a long road ahead. I needed a reminder that Christ is sufficient, and I need to lay my burdens down. This blog gives me hope.
How? How do you overcome the issue of trust? I have to prepare myself for him to come home, to touch me, I have panic attacks, and I no longer want to feel him touching me. I had to set specific days of the week to be intimate so that I would know when it was coming and could mentally prepare myself, and he “needs” it a lot or else he goes right back to porn. I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to be with him anymore, but when I said “for better or worse” I meant it. I honestly don’t know how to love him anymore. It’s one betrayal after another. I can relate to what you said about not being able to breathe, I feel like I just can’t breathe. I believe God’s word, I know He’s here with me and I feel His comfort. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Is it okay to tell my husband that I would rather abstain for awhile until….I don’t even know when. Sorry I’m not looking for sympathy or attention, and it’s taken me months to even consider posting my feelings, but your letter shook me because it’s how I feel now. Thank you for sharing.
I am not a certified counselor, so I am choosing my words carefully. The first thing that stuck out to me was when you said “he needs it or he will go right back to porn”. That tells me that he is not making the choice to live righteously and give up his addiction. I want to share with you what my pastor and several counselors have told me. You have the right to make a list of non-negotiables for your husband. For instance, some of mine where;
-you must have an accountability partner that meets with you regularly,
– You must have covenant eyes on all of your devices that access the internet.
– You must have personal Bible study time and continue to grow in Christ.
These are just a few of my “non-negotiables”. My pastor told me that if my husband refused to meet these or if he broke these again, I had to be prepared to leave. Not divorce, but separate from my husband.
I would say that you definitely need to talk to a pastor or counselor that can stand beside you and walk you through this extremely difficult time. You can’t do it alone! I also really recommend that you begin watching a free video series entitled, “True Betrayal”. http://www.bradhambrick.com/truebetrayal/
This is a great series that is bringing me comfort and continued healing. I pray this for you. I am sorry that you are going through this. Remember, one day at a time. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow morning and be expected to not loose your breath.
My heart is with you, dear woman. Keep looking to God for your strength and comfort.
Blessings,
Jenny Sullivan
After 26 yrs of marriage. 2 grown beautiful adult married children. I now face this! I have a chronic disease called Crohns. He was caught red handed after my first major surgery. He Swore promised ….lies all lies. He never stopped I don’t believe. I feel betrayed, a waste. And in jo way can compete with the whores on porn. He says or admits it’s bc of my disease, & his “selfish desires” when I physically am unable Due to a flare. It does nothing but infuriates me more. As I suffer you cheat with a porn star in the next room. Dishonesty & disgust fill my heart at what else is unknown. I really need a break to clear my head. But he refuses to let me go. I will have to leave or flee. He will not leave me to think. I feel so brutely broken. I am also a victim of sexual incest from 4-15 yrs old. I am so scared. I feel like I did as a kid. I have been violated. My life is not what I thought it was. I was anovercomer a survivor. I feel no victory of past abuse. I feel abused all over again. Very similiar. Do I throw my marriage away bc he can’t be free from reaccurances of his Porn?
Oh Tamie, this breaks my heart to read. Are you seeing anyone for counseling right now. There are many places you could look. Have you confronted your husband about this? If so, what has he said?
I don’t know what to do. I met my husband a year ago, I was only seventeen. One night he came to me and said “I just want to be open with you and let you know about a problem I used to have. I used to be addicted to porn and have overcome it and I will never ever betray you and watch it again.” and after 3 months of dating found out I Was pregnant. So we were married. Then a month after I had the baby I find porn on our computer. First he lied and said it must have been my brother. But then he admitted he DID watch it once when we were first married, but didn’t go through with it all the way. Said he stopped himself out of love for me…. So I said I could forgive him. A couple days later he confesses that he did not stop himself but it was just once. Again, I said I am very hurt but will do all I can to make this work…. Then about 3 days after that he comes home from work unexpectedly and says “I’m leaving. I’ve lied to you. I have a problem and I’ve watched porn every day our whole marriage.” I am just so heartbroken… I feel like I wasn’t enough for him. How could he be so selfish? I worked 40 hour weeks when I was 8 and a half months pregnant while he sat at home and watched porn? I still made myself available to him, yet he still watched it. and I feel so stupid for trusting him. I don’t know how to ever trust him again especially because he had first told me he would never watch it again and then hid it for so long… and then lied multiple times before he actually told me the truth.
Hi Bay,
This is awful. I am so sorry to hear about this trial in your life. The picture you paint of the situation sounds very typical. Men who are racked with guilt about porn often will confess “little truths” to friends or their spouse just to relieve their conscience, often in the process telling more lies to cover the seriousness of the problem. Then the guilt from the lying, compounded on the guilt of watching porn, only devastates more. With each “little confession,” more lies are told to minimize the blow. This is the pattern of the addict.
You are still young in your marriage, but your husband has been into porn for much longer. Perhaps years. He shares the struggle of many, many men. The good news is that he still feels some measure of guilt about the porn and about lying to you. This is at least a place for him to start.
Does he want to change? Does he want to stop looking at porn, despite his draw towards it? Does he want to kill the control this sin has on his life?
As for being “enough” for him: the truth is, no woman is “enough” for a man who has trained his brain to respond to digital porn stars. He conditioned his mind to love solo-sex, so sex with you or anyone wouldn’t have been “enough” for him. Porn is a fantasy experience that caters entirely to a man’s selfishness. In the fantasy, the man’s desires are all that matter. The women in the porn are only props. Compare this to real-life sex which is an act of both receiving and giving pleasure. Another way in which wives aren’t “enough” for porn addicted husbands is that they are only one woman. A man who loves porn will often spend hours, searching through hundreds of images, and will condition his mind for variety and novelty. One woman cannot compete with this. If Hollywood actresses and models (who meet our culture’s standards of sexiness) can’t maintain the the affections of their porn addicted husbands, then the problem cannot be with how you look or how you act in bed. The problem is with him and how he has trained his mind sexually. Your availability to him is not the source of the problem.
There is hope for him, however. He has to want to change. For him, I recommend he get together with a good friend who wants to help and they watch the False Love series put out by counselor Brad Hambrick. It is excellent and will really help your husband to find hope. I also recommend you watch the companion series, True Betrayal. They are free and online to watch right now.