Over the past month I have given a few presentations at conferences for other therapists on the topic of Sex Addiction in marriage. It is such a neglected topic and has gotten me thinking. When pornography addiction or sex addiction is discovered, overwhelmingly couples are encouraged to focus on their own treatment and the marriage is often ignored. Meanwhile the couple continues to live together (usually) and must interact on a daily basis. They are usually sharing household responsibilities and childrearing. A tornado has torn through their home and they are being encouraged to each pick up the pieces alone.
The Bible tells us that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It also says “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6).
God clearly puts the marriage above the individual. Yet couples whose marriage has been invaded by sexual sin are too often being advised to focus only on the individual. Why are professionals giving this recommendation and why is it so harmful to ignore the marriage in recovery from sexual addiction?
The Wrong Approach to Sexual Addiction Counseling
It is a popular notion amongst many counselors that when a couple is having problems they stem from the baggage each individual brought into the marriage, and once that is treated, then the marriage can be worked on much more easily. There is certainly a lot of truth to the fact that marriage is significantly impacted by the issues we bring into it. When a counselor sits in front of a couple struggling with the damage sex addiction has done to their relationship, she or he sees two very wounded individuals. These people can appear out of control in every sense of the word.
It may seem easier to separate them and treat them separately until they are in a better place. Sometimes this is the best course of action, such as when the addict is not willing to get into treatment or the wife does not want to stay in the marriage. But what so many counselors are failing to recognize is that the marriage doesn’t stop while each partner is getting individual help!
I have seen too many couples grow apart as they get individual help. I have had more couples than I can count come to me after months or years of counseling individually and they have virtually no marriage left. Studies have shown that the best indicator of success in recovery from sexual addiction is family support. Further, the best indicator of healing within the marriage for the partner of a sex addict is support from her spouse.
The Right Approach to Sexual Addiction Counseling
My philosophy is: teach the addict who is the injuring party how to empathize with and patiently support his wife, and then in time she will almost always be able to follow his lead and offer him the same support (assuming he is no longer acting out). This is not an easy feat, but when done correctly, it works!
Couples, don’t be afraid to insist on getting help for your marriage, in addition to the recovery work you are doing for yourselves. Don’t give up until you find someone who agrees that your marriage should be a priority. A three day couple’s intensive can be a great way to get a jump start to recovery for your marriage. Learn more by clicking here.
My husband and I are both in recovery for drug addiction. He has been clean for 3 years. He also suffers from a sex addiction. I relapsed after 15 months clean when I miscarried our 3rd child in a row. While i was in inpatient he had sex with 3 different people that I know. He was honest about what he did and told me that he loves me. He is seeking help and we have treated it as both ofbus relapsed. I worry if our marriage is able to be saved. I know that it wasnt about me just like my relapse wasnt about him. He wants to go to church and seek counseling as well. He believes we can make it through this and become stronger because of it. He was like this when I met him and through our relationship remained faithful until now. I love him greatly and want to believe him.
Where have you sought out help? Have you looked for a counselor in your area?
It’s been a year since I discovered I was married to a porn addict for 12 years. I have been through marriage and individual counseling this entire year. I stopped the marriage counseling after 10 sessions because I felt invalidated by the therapist and everything was about my husbands addiction. I wanted to escape and focus on myself. My husband relapsed after 6 months and it brought me right back to the very beginning. After a year I am still having nightmares from the videos and images my husband traded for a life with me. I now go through longer periods of feeling like I’m married again but it always comes back and haunts me, the feelings of inadequacy, severe sadness, abandonment, and resentment. I am still not sure I will stay in this marriage despite that my husband no longer engages in porn and is trying very hard to stay married. I feel numb and depressed even though things are better. Thank you Ella from the bottom of my heart for your articles. They have saved me when I feel no one will ever understand what I’ve been through in this secret life that I have to hide from the world.
Stay strong and focus on your own recovery! You might want to read the free e-book Hope After Porn, in which four wives share their stories of reconciliation with their husbands after severe problems.
I am not sure we are in disagreement here on the basic principles. I fully and completely believe in women having and owning and making choices — not just sitting around doing nothing. I only share my experience that there has been a middle ground time where having parallel and individual healing processes has been *essential* to move us toward being able to work on our marriage. And I felt that decision guided by heaven. Had we tried to work on our marriage before he’d found some grounding and healing, and before I’d done the same, I think it could have ended our marriage. There was just too much baggage and too much trauma (the addiction was only a symptom of deeper spiritual self-worth issues, as is so often the case), and a deep need for us each to find some grounding and healing in God first, and for him to have some physiological healing via months of sobriety.
I completely understand the value of having a husband give a full clinical disclosure up front. I think that is important. I have experienced having professionals not encourage that and it has not been helpful at all. Still, waiting until the lines of communication could be less cluttered by baggage may not always be a bad thing, in my opinion.
“How do you know when he’s ready?” I think this is as much of a gut thing as anything. I think women can learn to discern and sense when there is some real recovery, because they live with their husbands every day and see the patterns. There is a real difference when some of that healing takes place.
I imagine that once you get men to a three-day intensive, they may already have done some initial legwork and by definition be ready (or have a wife who is one step away from done). But perhaps for many there is some process before that. I think it’s important to leave room for that possibility and help wives trust their instincts as to whether they want to take some time to heal themselves from the trauma and observe and draw healthy boundaries that communicate that she chooses not to continue to live with the unhealthy dynamics that addiction and trauma bring to relationships.
Lily, you are right that it is different in different situations. However, I see several couples who both want marriage counseling and are being told they aren’t ready. I see addicts who are ready, but counselors who are brain washed by their archaic training tell them they aren’t because they haven’t reached a certain milestone or “task” in their treatment. Furthermore, how do we define ready? Will an addict ever be eager to do a disclosure? Can either party really ever be “ready” for such a painful but necessary step in order for there to be healing and recovery for both? There are indeed some who aren’t there and may never be. In these cases I believe it is unfair to instruct a wife to sit idly by and patiently wait for him to be ready, especially after all she has already been through. Instead, I tell wives they have choices and I will support them no matter what they choose. But there are many couples who are both willing and able to successfully work on their marriage who are being told they can’t. In my experience, if he is “ready” to take recovery seriously and his actions show that, he is no longer acting out, and he truly wants to stay married….he is as ready as he’ll ever be too work on his marriage, and with professional guidance and preparation (that does not need to take very long in most cases), to give his wife a full clinical disclosure.
I feel conflicted about this because empathy is so often lacking until some recovery is gained. I have witnessed this in my husband and in the stories of many other couples. It just seems to me to do no good to expect a husband to reach out when he doesn’t seem ready or able. It only *adds* to the pain to expect something he is not yet able to give.
The fruits of focusing more on our marriage have not been good, have not felt right to do.
I just have to think that it may be different in different situations.
That said, I am glad to see articles validating a wife’s point of view, so thank you for what you are writing. The trauma is real and is so often minimized. I have felt invalidated by my husband’s therapist and by his sponsor. It is refreshing to feel validated.
The truth in this post affirms exactly what I have been feeling. This whole idea of “you deal with your stuff and let him deal with his” seems ludicrous at times. For me, the most intense counseling for the couple is indeed for the coupleship to survive the initial crisis of disclosure. After the new reality has been stabilized for the couple, then individual counseling is imperative. I have felt so invalidated in the relational trauma that I have experienced in my marriage by much of the pioneers in the sex addiction recovery community.
Ashley i know just how you feel. My husband has a sex addiction and likes to call phone sex chat lines. I’ve found in his GPS addresses to cheap hotels. He admits after being caught to the chat lines but vehemetly refuses to admit to meeting at hotels with him. I truly believe he has but i have no hardcore proof. And his word nothing to me. I am a recovering opiate addict. I understand addiction and the cycle. I want to give him a chance in his counselling to get well before i make any decisions to leave. but it is so difficult laying next to him at night knowing what he has done and living with the constant suspicions. we have a child together and i really want to give our son a home with both parents. And that he has parents that get along at the very least.
I too have caught my husband continue to look at pornography. The rejection is beyond horrible. Every time I have asked him if he is doing it he has gone so far as to swear on God to save himself. How do you trust someone who will do whatever it takes to save himself from confronting his sin??
B, let me tell you that you are a beautiful woman of God. He hand picked you to be on this earth for a purpose. You and I both need to turn to God and lean on him for acceptance and truth. Hope things get better for you.
Thank you Ashley. You are right, I need to give this to God. My resentment is taking over and I am in a bad place. I don’t trust him at all and he has the audacity to be angry about it. He hurt me deeply and doesn’t seem to care. I am literally sitting here contemplating taking my daughter and my unborn child and leaving him today. I love God ,but I can’t understand why I have a husband with a porn addiction and a problem with looking at other women. I can’t go on like this for too much longer, I pray God speaks to me soon because this is too big for me to handle.
I am damaged. My husband looks at other women and constantly denies it. He has a porn addiction and once blamed me for it.although he apologized and explained to me it is not my fault I will always feel that I am less than a woman and not what he wants. I was able to deal with all of this pain until I found out I was pregnant by him again. The emotional pain is unbearable. I tried talking to our pastor but I got the feeling that he just doesn’t understand my point of view. I feel alone and lost and just plain ugly.
Maybe it is perhaps because your sex life with him is Boring. Men are Horny goats.. If he is a sex addict then most likely he was a sex addict WAY before you both wer married. With that being said, he loves you. In my opinion that’s a cry for help to YOU. As his spouse it is Your responsibility to keep his eyes in his OWN bed. If he is interested in other women.. Who’s fault is That if he Married you? Spice the marriage. Sex does not always have to be an annual or ceremonious event with roses and wine. Lol
With all due respect, Graham, this isn’t good advice. No doubt, keeping things fresh and intimate in the bedroom is good for any marriage, but that is not a cure for sex addiction anymore than gourmet cooking is a cure for alcoholism.
Please find a therapist who is qualified to work with partners of sex addicts. It is not your responsibility to keep your husband faithful. It is his responsibility. God loves you. Please get the professional help you need.
how many male orphans never adopted has learn to be passionate lovers in their relationships
I understand I’m going threw my husband having a sexual addiction but lies says he’s not cheating on me but I have found all kinds of eveadence I know he is he’s has his own business so that helps him he has done stuff in our home he is very slick I want to walk in and catch him so bad so he can’t look me in my face and lie nomore he likes men and women he’s always smells like someone’s body part and it kills me he doesn’t want to be with me sexually don’t do any of the things with me that he does with them I love but I wish I didn’t been married almost 30 years I think he has cheated most of it what to do when it feel like my heart being ripped piece at a time
Hi Melissa. I am so, so sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through in your marriage. It sounds to me like you’d benefit from some support at this point, as you think about what healthy boundaries might look like for you. (Here’s an article on boundaries.) Personal counseling might be a good step for you to consider at this point. And support groups can be a really great source of help as you consider what to do with the situation you’re in right now. It sounds to me like you are well aware of the realities of the situation. The question is, what’s healthy for you in this? While you sort through that, find some safe people who can help you–a therapist, a group. Blessings, Kay
I understand how you feel. My husband is addicted to porn for over 30 years. I learned about it 15 years ago, didn’t freak out, talked calmly and told him I would support his recovery. He lied and lied and manipulated me and used gaslighting and deception. He continued with porn and blamed me. I was hospitalized 20 years ago and he tells me I abandoned him, I have chronic pain so he now blames me for having to plan sex when the pain isn’t as bad, he even blames covenant eyes software for bad reports to our friend who is his accountability partner!
I have always had a stronger sex drive than him, very adventurous sexually, highly stimulated visually – none of it kept him from choosing to cheat. He admits he brought hundreds of women into our bedroom through porn. He has turned my children against me by getting them to feel sorry for him.
I am contemplating suicide as I cannot take anymore pain. I have no money for therapy, no support and no future. I feel hopeless and I know God understands. My God is Jesus who DOES NOT judge – he knows I am suffering – I can barely breathe with the pain.
Barbara,
I am so sorry for the pain that you’ve suffered in this relationship, and I understand that the pain is severe. Please do not harm yourself. There is help and hope for you!
You are describing a situation of emotional abuse. Abuse is not just hitting; here’s an article that describes a variety of abuses. Your local women’s shelter will understand that abuse is not just hitting, and should be able to offer services to you. You can search for a local shelter here. Call them and see what services are available to you.
You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Please do not harm yourself over this. There is help and hope. No matter what your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole. Escaping the abuse is your first step to healing.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have been reading about sexual addiction and it really scares me. My husband has been viewing porn and just recently I found chargers to massage parlors. What a blow to me. At first I hopped back into bed and had sex with him. After a couple of weeks he seemed disconnected again. Finally he confessed that he had been back at it along with Facebook flirting. Now I have no desire to be close to him at all. We are in therapy. I don’t know what lesson this is for me. I want an intimate relationship but I don’t know if it’s with him.
Hi Karen,
Well, it sounds natural to me that you don’t want to be close to someone who has broken your trust so completely. It’s not wise to trust someone unless they are trustworthy, and you can only tell if someone is trustworthy by their trustworthy behavior over time. Your husband has been completely untrustworthy. It’s good that you guys are in therapy, but really he is the person who has to do the work of being trustworthy, while you have to pay attention to his choices, and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you, given the reality of the situation. TRUST YOURSELF! You were able to tell when he was disconnected from you. GOOD!!! PAY ATTENTION to your intuition. Follow those signs, and make good, healthy decisions for yourself. I would say that at least one lesson is that YOU are trustworthy, and YOU can make good choices for yourself. Keep doing it! Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should help as you pay attention to the truth of what’s happening. And here’s an article that looks at the research of Dr. John Gottman to see how emotional trust is built and destroyed in a relationship. (The research confirms your intuition! Turning away from the relationship is a dead giveaway!) Peace to you, Kay
The devil is a liar and your worth is not found in a mans desire but rather that. God has chosen you for Himself. You can find pure and u defiled intimacy with God. He knows yiur heart and your wounds. In His presence is fullness of joy. Gid opens and xloses the womb and children are an inheritance from God. He has blessed you and you will find joy and contentment with your precious new baby.
God works in strange and mysterious ways.
I am so deeply sorry that you feel so alone and confused in your relationship. I completely understand how you feel!!! I site the really helped me heal and feel understood by other women in the same situation: https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/