When a husband brings porn into the marriage, he brings other women to their marriage bed. It’s stained with the images of other people. Who wants to make love on a stained bed? It has to be cleaned first. Husband and wife, together, need to wash the sheets, not obsess over whether they are clean or not, and trust that the stains have been washed away.
There isn’t a clear method or time to come together again. It’s individual for each couple. The husband has to be willing to truly clean the sheets, not just try to rub it off with some water and move on. Making love is the closest form of intimacy we can have with each other, and we shouldn’t jump right into it without falling in love again, holding hands, kissing passionately, holding each other. I know for some people it’s easier to make love and those things will fall into place, but I think sometimes we force the sex part because we feel pressured for some reason.
Sex isn’t a selfish act. This culture can make us believe that sex is about having an orgasm and being pleasured, but it’s about becoming one with your spouse, enjoying him/her, and pleasuring him/her, just like marriage. A husband shouldn’t focus on how much his wife loves him; instead, he should be loving her as Christ loves the Church. And a wife shouldn’t be focused on how much her husband loves her; she should be loving her husband with a true and selfless love.
But what if you don’t trust him? What if you fear women popping up in your head, or even worse, his? What if you feel dirty? What if he tries to make you do things you don’t want to do?
In my book, Exposed, Ally says at some point that she finally understands “the weakness of ‘if’ and the power of ‘faith.’” Sometimes our “what if’s” are true, but there are times they aren’t. We don’t really know the heart of a person, but if our husbands are trying—really trying—to win us back, if we can see his growth, his desire for purity, then who are we to use doubt as an excuse not to make love to him? Yes, he betrayed us and it’s hard to trust. And trust will take time to rebuild on so many different levels of the relationship. But we can’t use his sin as an excuse for our lack of desire to grow and change.
It’s hard to give up our insecurities of our beauty and the insecurities of his faithfulness and purity and devotion to us. But insecurities are nothing more than another word for self-centeredness. They are planted in our hearts and minds to destroy us. And if we give in to insecurities and continue looking inward and feeling sorry for ourselves, it will torture us.
I can’t tell a wife when to have sex with her husband again. That’s for her to decide. But I like to ask women this question: Are you holding back from him (when he is changing and proving his devotion to you) for selfish reasons? I don’t ever recommend people to begin making love again when the bed is still stained and the husband is still having an affair with other images. And if he is changing, I don’t recommend making love either. Why?
Because you have to desire it first. I never tell women to jump into a stained bed (or even a clean bed) when they don’t desire it. It’s not about “releasing” him so he doesn’t look at porn. It’s not about trying to fix your marriage. It’s about love. Loving each other. Becoming one. Enjoying intimacy as it was intended—for only you and your spouse.
So…how do you know when it’s finally time to make love again?
You love. When you love him and desire him enough to give him all of you…you are ready, and vice versa. But the trick is to not hold on to our insecurities, fears, and doubts in order to keep intimacy from our marriage. When George and I went through this I refused to make love to him (even after he truly changed) because I wanted to punish him. Other times I feared my thoughts or his. And still there were times I just plain listened to lies or felt too ugly to be that intimate with my husband. But eventually, I asked God to change my heart. To help me love fully, unconditionally, and through the eyes of Jesus, instead of the eyes of deception.
When my heart changed, my insecurities lessened, my doubts withered (although they were still there a tiny bit), and I stopped listening to lies. Finally, I desired to make love to my husband. I wanted to be one with him again. And we both knew when it was the right time. It wasn’t forced. Neither of us pressured the other. I didn’t make love to him in hopes that it would keep him from looking at porn again.
We made love because we purely loved each other. Simple, beautiful, and real.
I can’t say when the right time for you will be. But you’ll know. Pray for a new heart for both man and wife, and your marriage. Get the lies, doubts, stains, and insecurities out of your marriage bed, look at each other with the love you had when you put those rings on your fingers, and express that love to each other with the most beautiful form of intimacy we can share. Sex is beautiful. When pure, it actually glorifies God.
I know you can get to this point again. It’s just going to take some cleaning. Spend some time with each other cleaning your hearts, your bed, and your marriage. When you are ready…you’ll know.
My husband and I have only been together for just over a year. Each time I discovered he had slid backwards and was watching porn again, it was after a lengthy period of him telling me he was fine. Not to mention minimal sex for 20-something’s.
here we are again. Only recently having talked through a lot of this with our pastors, getting prayer and counsel…. But here we are, third night in a row where he’s strongly implied that going to bed for the night would involve a bit of fun. … And having it put off till the next day.
In the case of tonight he rejected me completely, with what I felt was an excuse. I’ve heard that porn can physically require a brain to feel aroused to images on a screen …. So I feel like he may just be scared that he won’t be aroused…
But what if he’s back into porn? How can I work through this with him again without making him feel like a child? I don’t want to be horrible that the next time he slips up, he won’t talk to me. It’s been difficult enough for him in the past to come clean about it.
And what about me? I walked into this marriage a virgin with all these fairy tale ideals of sex. Obviously I’ve had to adjust to reality but even that doesn’t mean only having sex when he’s ready does it?? Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed because I’m “in the mood” more often than he… And I think I’ve only rejected sex once… Because I was exhausted and so was he…. Any time he’s ready I jump at the chance. But it just feels like everything has to be his choice. He’s not abusive in bed … He’s really loving BUT when it comes to WHEN to have sex… It’s like it’s completely his choice and like control.
We normally end up arguing if he doesn’t want to have sex and I explain that it upsets me. … Pretty unhealthy.
Take sex out, we have an amazing marriage. But when you include it in the picture … It’s like all the monsoon arguments begin with it.
I want to be supportive but I want him to “man-up” and honour me,
I guess I just wanted to share. I know how fresh it feels to hear someone else knows what you’re going through.
One thing that would be really helpful for your husband is to open up to you about why he believes he’s not “in the mood.” I’m curious: What does he say about that? Does he say he’s just tired? Then tell him you want to start earlier in the evening. Nearly any excuse he gives can be counteracted with a practical solution.
If the problem is physical brought on by too much porn (which can happen), then he needs to learn that reversal of this problem is possible. Just as sure as he wired his brain the wrong way with porn, he can wire it the right way through sex with you. (One of our e-books talks a lot about this.)
If I were your husband’s friend and he were open with me about this, here’s what I might tell him, man-to-man: “Hey man, your wife wants to have sex with you. Do you know how many men wish they had your problem? Praise God that you have a wife like this. Plus, God says not to deny your wife pleasure in bed (1 Corinthians 7:3). So go up to your wife and say, ‘Honey, I want to get into the habit of having a healthy sex life. I’m not sure what the mental block is, but I know the only way to get over it is to practice. Let’s work at making love each night (or most night, anyway). Let’s focus on romance, intimacy, and time together. If I can’t “perform,” so be it. We will find creative ways to please each other. I don’t need the pressure to perform, but I want to work at being a good lover.’ There might be some nights that don’t lead to passionate sex as much as they are about talking together, praying together, reading together, kissing, whatever. Don’t feel the pressure. Just give ample time to be together and get rid of the distractions.”
Hi, I was wondering if there are some exercises you might recomend to reignighting the desire for eachother. My husband and I have been married 2 years and have always had issues with our sex life. He doesnt want me and has no desire to engage in sexual acts with me at all and it seems to always have been this way except the very beginning which then was lust. I have always loonged so much to just be wanted by him and feel like he does so I’ve never really shut myself off from him but he just doesn’t ask or try and when he does it is for me because he can see I’m upset. My husband has been addicted to porn since he was young .we have had MANY problems in our marriage and every one we overcame there has always still been something more in the way. about 3 days ago after talking to a close family friend (father figure of mine who also went through a porn addiction) he finally admitted it to me, deep down I knew but just was never for sure and was still pretty shocked. Because of this addiction he was sexting another woman and and we have also been through him being deployed we have gotten over these humps and now this. I was ok with dealing with it surprisingly, crushed because of how much work we will need to finally be a happy loving and intimate family but still hopeful and willing to do whatever it takes we have worked through so much together I just can’t see it go to waste.I love him dearly and believe in him, he wants to change I am trying to find a therapist for us but traveling is difficult and we live in a small town so there aren’t really any who specialize in this kind of thing close. I will find someone and we are going no matter what… but I am struggling with the idea of a happy sex life because we have never had one and I worry if it is possible if he ever could want me… I am not a thin woman and have had 2 children and breast fed both I am stretch marked Nd my breast are no longer what they should be at just 22 so its even more difficult to think he would find me attractive naked. I am currently not having sex with him because I not sure about what is helpful and isn’t he hasn’t attempted and I don’t expect him to but I guess I just wonder if it could be a possiblity that we one day could have the sex life I have always dreamed of having with him and if so what steps should I take or things could I do to help it happen? I really don’t think sitting around waiting will help.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it is a hard thing to talk about.
First, I would have your husband read through some of our free e-books and materials. They might help him get to the bottom of his lack of sexual desire. Researchers note that men who are into porn tend to have sexual problems in marriage, and your experience is not at all uncommon. He needs help getting to the bottom of his addiction, and a little education about the nature of porn addiction could go a lot way for him. I recommend a book like The Porn Circuit.
Second, I do recommend you find a good therapist who has some experience in this area, especially when it comes to helping hurting wives. My friend, Ella Hutchinson, who counsels women in this area recommends women read the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. This will educate you about how your husband’s sex-addiction has induced trauma in your life. Feel free to ask therapists if they are familiar with the book and ask them if they would be willing to read it.
I am so sorry this has been a constant theme in your marriage. As you look for professional help, surround yourself with family members and good friends who can support both of you. He needs male friends around him who can help him to take stock of his life and challenge him to be intimate with you. You need friends around you who can affirm you at this time. I don’t know any woman who feels happy with her body, but rest assured, it is not your body that needs to change. It is his perceptions of beauty that needs to be retrained.
I would like to share that there is HOPE Ladies! My husband and I have had great victories in this area. Not something that I could have said when we were in the thick of it! I knew about my husbands lust, porn, and master bastion addiction before we we’re even dating. I signed up for it! The up side was that we did our best to be as honest and open as possible. I knew that my husband already had enough shame on his own, that he did not need more from me. I began to understand that the enemy wanted my marriage. The damage doesn’t need to be any greater than I give it power. I encourage you to be honest, stand firm, be bold, and don’t give up! Love him anyway! If not you, than who? He has hurt you in some of the greatest ways but if he could stop with “self will” he would have already done it. He deserves to be loved and prayed over. We can also pray for our husbands to have willingness to be delivered in this area and to respect our boundaries. One of the greatest thing’s I could have ever done. I pray that the shame will not rob us of our joy! My husband truly gave it to The Lord and the truth is, that he probably wasn’t willing to give up something that had had so much power through out his life before. The out come has been amazing!
Thank you, Sarah, for breathing some fresh life into a conversation that can tend to be so discouraging! There is hope.
Thank you …. This means a lot.
My heart has been wrecked, once again… for the second time, after learning of my husband’s ongoing addiction. The first time I realized it was a problem almost broke me, but trust was restored and intimacy was present…. I just learned of his relapse two nights ago. I almost kicked him out. My hope has been shattered for our future. I feel devastated, betrayed and exhausted by this other woman called Porn. As much as this article has been a blessing to read, I am still wondering if we will heal and if trust will be restored… All things do work together for those who love the Lord…. He is all I have.
Thanks so much. How I appreciate the verse she gives and how appropriate for me now. I felt like I made great strides last night as I told him that I was going to “fake it till I make it”, explaining that as much as I wanted to just be alone and be pitiful and pull myself together, I would end up just wallowing in it and becoming even more alone. I needed to be in situations with him that were normal (like going to the store together, etc.) so that I could remember all the things about him that I love and give him the chance to prove himself. When we prayed together last night, we held hands. That is not creepy to me, but the thought of any greater intimacy still is. I need to pray 2 Corinithians 10:5 and own it. How I thank God this morning for your website and your contributors. May God’s blessings just be all over and around each of you.
It seems that a large part of every entry here screams my name. Over about 10 years, I have found evidence of his viewing naked women 4 times. I threw out the “statistic” that for every 1 time someone gets caught doing something wrong (speeding, shoplifting, etc.) there are 10 more that you got away with. Not very comforting. Each time I discovered evidence, he produced and promises and apologies. I forgave him. After a period of grief and “don’t touch me” each time, we resumed sex. We always had a very active and fulfilling sex life and I was not only devastated each time, but very confused. This time is so much worse for me. All I can keep thinking is “I’m just done”. The thought of intimacy with him sickens me. When I get panicked about the future, I find comfort in the possibility of separate bedrooms (we haven’t slept together for the 4 nights since I found the latest evidence.) I appreciate that there are women who are willing to take the time to share their greatest wounds for my benefit. I am praying that the hardness in my heart will soften, but I find myself justifying it because I feel that no one but me will protect my heart. We both share the love language of physical touch and I just know that I cannot live out the rest of my life without intimate physical touch, but right now, it feels really feasible and like a good, safe option. Any words of advice is appreciated or any scriptures that you found helpful. I feel so alone because there isn’t anyone that I want to discuss this with. I told him that I was not going to protect his feelings in this “journey” and that we should tell each other our thoughts, etc. for insight. I am feeling convicted about being kind to one another, as most of the thoughts I have are surely very hurtful for him – like “Sexually, you have proven to me that you don’t need me and I do not want you.” That has to hurt but it is so true now. I’m rambling. Thanks for caring about this with me. You are in my prayers as your ministry to those like me can save me from a life of bitterness and self bashing.
Hi Sama,
First, thanks for sharing some of your story with us. I can’t imagine how difficult this experience has been for you.
While I can’t offer any advice from personal experience, I can offer the advice of someone who has been there. One woman who has written for us several times, Cindy Beall, has also written a book entitled Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken. Her story is a bit different in that her husband didn’t just view pornography, but got wrapped up in cyber chat, and eventually physical affairs. It was heartbreaking when he confessed to everything.
She writes:
If you’re interested, you can read her chapter in one of our e-books, Hope After Porn, or you can watch this interview with her and Chris.
As a final thought, please remember that expressions of love and tenderness are very difficult when there is no trust. Continue to allow him to rebuild that trust, and if he is not rebuilding it, communicate to him what rebuilt trust looks like to you.
Wishing you all the best!
I was encouraged to read in black and white that, yes, intimacy can be restored. That yes, the day could come when I would desire to just be with him again, and that he could actually get to the point of caring about me again-care about us being together. For so many years, sex never has a feeling of safety. I’m aware he’s waiting til he can DO what (kinks) he wants TO me & hoping I won’t complain about it. I’ve always felt the blame was all mine, I wasn’t sexy enough, sex didn’t happen often enough regardless of how often or not. I’ve fought the lousy magazines hidden in always new places, for the sake of the kids. Our son was devastated the 1st time he found his dad’s porn, when we were teaching him to love and respect. Our son gave his dad a copy of “Every Man’s Battle”. I’ve listened to the denials and minimizations as I’ve found the tittie-bar receipts, it was the other guy’s idea. The porn on his phone was the fault of the guy who sent it to him. But my latest discovery on the computer, oh dear God. Beginning 7 years ago, I began to get memories of child sexual abuse, a not uncommon thing in co-addicts. The abuse I confided to him: Bingo. In spades. Not as I, an unwilling child being forced to have contact with X, but my adult confidante brother mate partner supporter, willingly and from the depths of his wanting and craving, site after site of porn depicting what I went through. His excuse: “What? I didn’t even look at those pictures; I only read a couple of the stories!” Lies and minimization. I saw what he saw how many times, and read. What a progression from the sweet Playboy shots from long ago. The thought of ever being with him again sickens me. Pray for me. I speak with a Focus on the Family counsellor today to see how I can proceed. I believe that for us to proceed together, he will have to admit there is a problem. I know it isn’t up to me to fix him or convince him or see that he works a program of some sort; I can only do that for me. But if he is unwilling–now, after 30 years of marriage, I’ve had it.
Hello lovely, here is the best way to explain your husband’s addiction. He is addicted to self. We all are in more ways than we realize. Your husband’s addiction to self just manifests in the form of addiction to lust, porn, masturbation, and I’m sure a myriad of other ways. My addiction to self manifests in the form of preoccupation with appearance, wondering what people think of me, getting irritated when things don’t go my way, when my kids don’t nap and interrupt my time of rest, when the chocolate milk spills all over the floor. I get upset with these things because of my addiction to self. Your husband has an addiction to self and that makes it easy to be addicted to things like porn and lust, this culture makes it way too easy for men to form these habits and addictions, just like the culture makes it too easy for women to be concerned about their appearance to the world more than their soul’s appearance to God.
Addictions come from our longing for God. We direct our longing for Him into things on this earth that “feel” fulfilling or pleasurable to us. What we all need is more of Him. I’m not surprised that your husband has these addictions, because I know I still have addictions to self in my heart. There are too many instances in my life where I long for something in the world more than I long for God. That’s what your husband is doing.
I am glad that you are willing to forgive your husband. That is beautiful. Keep trusting in God, He will help you get through this. I know it’s difficult. There wasn’t a time of my life where I experienced as much darkness as I did through that time. But the light is so bright on the other end of the tunnel. I’m hoping you find that soon!
Hey love, your husband is still your husband even though he looked at porn. Just like I was always me even though I sinned, got angry with my husband, and kept things from him instead of telling him how I really felt. Sin does not make us any less us. We think that of our husbands because we are believing a lie that our husbands are defined by their actions. But it’s not true. Our actions just blur the reality of the true person, who is hidden Christ. As we get rid of these lies we’ll discover who we truly are. I don’t even know who I fully am yet. It’s a process every day of laying down idols and surrendering my life to Him. Your husband is still the man you married. We tend to gloss over flaws and highlight positives when we marry someone. When we discover betrayal we gloss over positives and highlight flaws … it’s time to fall in love again, but that can’t happen until you know each other again. :)
I am working daily toward learning who I am and who we are as a couple. God has given me peace to deal with the pornography. I now know not only is he addicted to porn, but is addicted to masturbation also. I cannot wrap my mind around this addiction that he is fighting, but can wrap my mind around the fact that if God could forgive me then who am I to withhold forgiveness from the man I pledged my life to. I still hurt to the core of my being, and continue to work my way out of the pit of despair, but I am trusting in God to show us the way. Thank you for this wonderful site and all the information. It helps to know I am not alone, even though I have not seen any other mention of masterbation with the pornography issues. Do these go together so no one talks about it or what?
I understand the theory behind this, but can’t get past where the sentence says: “look at each other with the love you had when you put those rings on your fingers…”. The reason for this is that after 18 years of thinking I knew him, I found out I never really did because he has been secretly addicted to porn since before we were together. He hid it from me all these years. I am just very confused and hurt and angry. I’m so worn out that I can’t even think of what else I was going to write! I have a non-Christian counselor because there are none where we live and I don’t have anyone at church I can talk to because they would all judge us, I have already seen it happen with someone else. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.
I’ve been struggling my whole marriage with my husbands desire to watch porn. It has made me hateful, I’m so tired of feeling like he’s thinking of what he watched when hes looking at me. In turn making love to my husband turns my stomach. I dont trust him, I keep searching his computer, phone, its exhausting. He tells me its only a substitute for the lack of sex that I give him, but the lack of sex comes from the sickness I feel when I think about him watching other woman. He doesn’t understand that to me its a hundred times hes enjoyed another woman and cheated on our marriage. We are starting again and I’m trying to let me guard down but its hard. I just read in another one of your posts that we shouldn’t be having sex with the fear that if we don’t he will go look at porn. THIS IS MY FEAR. I dont feel the love yet, I dont have the trust, and I dont feel like its been long enough since hes looked. (1 week) I’m looking for support and any books that are suggested that help me heal from the sickness and damage that has been brought into our marriage.
Hi Lynn. I am so sorry for the pain you’re feeling in your marriage. Here’s what I think. Whenever I hear a man blaming other people for his pornography use, that is a man who is not yet taking responsibility for himself in a healthy way. When it’s because you don’t give him enough sex, or the right kind of sex, or when it’s because you’re too old or too fat, or when it’s because women keep taking their clothes off in front of a camera–when it’s any or all of those things, and nothing about personal choices and responsibility on the part of the user–that’s not recovery.
One of the biggest signs of recovery and resulting trustworthiness is an ability to take responsibility for ourselves. To name our choices, to be sorry for those choices when they harm others, and to CHANGE so that we don’t keep making those same bad choices that harm ourselves and others.
It takes MUCH longer than a week to change a long-standing pornography habit. It takes a huge change in habit, in thinking, in the ability to take responsibility for oneself. Usually it takes serious accountability, a lot of re-education, and group work on the part of the addict. Your husband might appreciate this article on the reality of recovery. And our free download, Your Brain on Porn, is a popular resource for men. Often, sexual addiction specialists recommend a period of abstinence to a couple in pornography recovery–just so you know, that’s a real clinical option that many professionals recommend.
And for the spouse, it takes time in supportive environments to heal the pain of all that betrayal, and to learn healthy boundaries. To me, it’s absolutely critical that the spouse gets adequate support and treatment alongside the addict. Here’s an article on boundaries that you might find helpful. And here’s a post that catalogs some of our top posts for spouses. You might also like our free download for women, Hope After Porn. I would encourage you also to find a safe place to process all this pain. Personal counseling could be helpful, and groups like Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch, S Anon, and even Al Anon are often helpful for spouses in recovery. And just the other day, a reader here mentioned Candeo as a program that’s been helpful to both her and her husband.
I too am dealing with a husband who is addicted to porn and I am just devastated about it. I knew he watched it when we first started dating and we came to an agreement that he could watch it when we couldn’t be together. For example. We were both military, so if I was on deployment or he was gone for a few weeks here and there than porn was acceptable. But if I was home he couldn’t…and it was a happy medium. For the past three years I believed in that commitment he made and recently stated finding porn again. LOTS of it! I have confronted him and he lied, of course and told me friends out I there; which was impossible because this was thanksgiving weekend and he had no work and no friends were at our house. Well, recently (3 days ago) I found MORE porn and some he watched as early as that morning. I confronted him and he lied again and then finally admitted he watches porn. I mentally beat myself up everyday. He specifically searched for and watched this one girl. I look in the mirror and I just cry…how do I compete or even compare to that?? Especially when I have nothing hat she has! ( big boobs and butt). After I had a baby the cute body I had just disappeared. He refuses to give up porn and says he loves it and will never stop watching it. He asked for sex tonight and I said no and he said we should get a divorce. I didn’t even do anything wrong! Please help! I’m exhausted from crying and now my husband has chosen porn over me.
Jessica, I am so, so sorry. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. Your body is yours, and you always have the right to say NO to sex, especially when the relationship is in such turmoil.
Also, it’s not your job to compete with other women and their appearances. Our bodies do wonderful and important things for us that have NOTHING to do with appearance. Porn turns women into simply a body. And we are all so much more than that.
You are valuable and precious just as you are. If he can’t see that, it’s because he’s sucked into the lies that porn tells men–that appearance and sexual performance are everything. And that is a sad, stunted kind of life in the end. It might make him happy for the time that he’s in it, but out in the real world, it just doesn’t hold up.
Hang onto the truth, and don’t get sucked into those lies.
I think it’s going to be really important for you to have some support as you process your emotions, and think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you at this point. Here and here are a couple of articles to help you start thinking about boundaries. Our free download, Hope After Porn, tells the stories of several women and their boundaries in recovery.
He has to choose to be healthy–you can’t do that for him. If he wants to work on this, he probably needs a CSAT therapist to help him through.
But whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. Find a counselor who can help you in the days ahead. Find a support group (Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon).
Blessings, Kay