I began writing this series on soul-care about five years ago. After publishing the first two articles, my world was upended for the second time in my adult life. Once again, I found myself shattered. Although this crisis was not related to my husband’s recovery journey, it triggered layers of betrayal trauma that had first surfaced back in 2008. I thought I was long healed, but the truth was that much of the pain was still stored in my body, and it came screaming back to the surface.
Often during that season, everything in me wanted to stay in bed and withdraw from the world. It felt like being out in the ocean during a storm. The waves and hidden currents pressed against me from every direction, making each step feel heavy and unpredictable. The ground beneath me kept shifting, dropping me deeper when I least expected it. The sand gave way under my feet so I had no solid place to push off. Every stride took effort, and a big part of me wanted to stop fighting and let the water carry me away. Yet even in resistance, I realized I was moving forward, even when it felt like I was standing still.
It was no coincidence this happened right after I began writing about soul-care. God knew what was to come and was preparing me. Almost immediately, I was given the opportunity to practice what I was preaching. Against every fiber of my being, I resisted the urge to give up and give in. Instead, I created my own CRASHER soul-care plan.
The very first thing I did, something that belongs under the “connection” piece of soul-care I’ve already written about, was join a women’s support group. Over time, I made friends I could trust and open up to. This group became my lifeline. For someone like me, who tends to isolate during hard times, this was no small step. Support groups can be intimidating, especially that first time you walk into a room full of strangers. But I don’t think I could have survived that season without it. I’m so grateful I pushed myself to go.
This is the first time I have written since my unraveling, so putting these words on the page now is deeply significant for me. Writing again is a reminder that God continues to heal, restore, and call me to share what He’s teaching me, even from the darkest valleys.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28, NIV)
The Counterfeit Rest We Settle For
“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his.” (Hebrews 4:9-10, NIV)
When I imagine the ultimate relaxation, I often picture lying on the beach under an umbrella, the sound of the waves in my ears, the feel of my toes in the sand, and a cold drink in my hand. But since my bank account simply won’t cooperate with my dream of moving to the Cayman Islands, I must look elsewhere.
On a broader scale, when we think of relaxation, our culture often points us to things that offer quick escape but little renewal—binge-watching shows, scrolling endlessly on social media, a glass (or bottle) of wine at night. These things may numb us for a moment, but they do not restore us. They can’t, because they don’t reach our souls.
Jesus offers something completely different. His rest isn’t simply putting your feet up at the end of a long day. It’s an invitation to lay down our burdens and let Him carry them. Real soul rest doesn’t come from tuning out. It comes from tuning in to the Prince of Peace.
Ruth Haley Barton, in her book, Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives For Spiritual Transformation, writes,
“The point of the sabbath is to honor our need for a sane rhythm of work and rest. It is to honor the body’s need for rest, the spirit’s need for replenishment and the soul’s need to delight itself in God for God’s own sake. It begins with a willingness to acknowledge the limits of our humanness.”
Why Real Rest Feels Unrealistic
In his article, Cultivating Sabbath Rest in a Busy World, Michael H. Burer explains,
“As believers we no longer have to rest on the Sabbath; we can rest on any day, at any time that fits our calendars. But as we can all attest, we often go to the other extreme and hardly rest at all.”
How much down time do you have? My guess is not much. If you aren’t resting, you will burn out. You may already be running on fumes. For many of us, rest and relaxation just don’t feel realistic. It can even feel unproductive because there often isn’t immediate or tangible evidence of this discipline.
True relaxation isn’t numbing out in front of the TV or trying to unwind with a glass of wine. There’s nothing inherently wrong with those in moderation, but they won’t leave you feeling rejuvenated or restored.
Relaxation that restores is both spiritual and physical. It is surrendering your burdens to God and engaging the body He created with tools that calm, heal, and reset.
Here are some questions worth asking yourself:
- What can you say no to? What responsibilities or commitments can you release in order to make space for rest?
- Who can you ask for help? You were never meant to carry everything alone. It may mean reaching out to a friend, a trusted family member, or fellow church member, vulnerably sharing what you need.
- What can you shift off your plate at home? Are you doing everything for your husband and kids? It’s essential for your husband to be a fully contributing member of the household. This is especially important for couples hoping to find healing from his betrayal. If you have children, when they are old enough, they should pitch in daily as well. When you keep doing everything, others learn to expect it, and you end up empty.
Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire, in their recently released book, The Marriage You Want, point out through their research that housework is often the biggest contributor to marital dissatisfaction because inequality in domestic labor breeds resentment and erodes connection. A healthy marriage involves shared responsibilities, not one person carrying it all.
Setting Boundaries with Your Husband
Sometimes rest isn’t only about carving out time. It’s about creating space in your relationship. If your husband has become used to you carrying most of the mental or household load, stepping back may require setting boundaries. Boundaries are not about punishment. They are about protection: protecting your energy, your mental health, and your ability to heal.
Healthy boundaries with a husband might include:
- Clarity about expectations: Instead of silently picking up the slack, be honest about what you need him to do. Then stop doing it for him.
- Protecting your healing time: If you need time and space for journaling, prayer, or simply to breathe, it’s not selfish to say no to requests that pull your attention elsewhere during that time. It is OK to ask your husband, if you are currently living together, to keep the kids occupied for the afternoon so you can have time alone, uninterrupted.
- Naming what is equitable: As Marg Mowczko teaches in her writings on Ephesians 5, marriage is ideally a partnership where both spouses use their abilities and resources for the good of the family. Mutual submission means sharing responsibilities, not placing them all on one spouse.
I recognize this is tricky because we cannot force another person to do anything. Sex addicts who are not in solid recovery are well-known for not carrying their weight at home. A husband who loves you and desires true healing for your marriage, will learn to respect your boundaries and rise to the call of mutual care.
In fact, during this time it is reasonable to request, and even expect your husband who has betrayed you, to carry a greater share of the burden of household responsibilities than you. If he refuses, that may communicate his level of commitment to change. In cases like this, take the initiative to ask others for help, to let go of what you can, and say no where you can.
What Does Godly Relaxation Look Like?
Godly rest is intentional. It’s not avoidance, it’s surrender. Ruth Haley Barton captures this beautifully:
“I am finite, which means that I live within physical limits of time and space and bodily limits of strength and energy. There are limits to my capacities relationally, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am not God. God is the One who can be all things to all people. God is the One who can be two places at once. God is the One who never sleeps. I am not.”
Trauma-informed Yoga
Research around yoga for the treatment of trauma is abundant and growing. In his groundbreaking book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk devotes an entire chapter to yoga. Because of his reputation as a leading authority on trauma treatment, I began incorporating yin yoga into my life during what I’ll call my wilderness season.
Initially, I was hesitant, partly because of yoga’s spiritual roots. I came to understand that in the Western world, yin yoga is rarely seen as a spiritual practice but rather as a tool to ease stress, release tension, and support mental, emotional, and physical well-being. I choose to invite Jesus into my yoga practice before each session.
My reluctance was also because a slow, methodical practice went against my type A personality. I thought I’d be driven mad! But little did I know, that is exactly why I needed it. I quickly became hooked. It helped me slow my mind and become more aware of what was going on in my body. I was soon able to begin using this awareness outside of yoga sessions, to help calm myself when trauma triggers occurred. Yoga played a deeply significant role in my healing journey.
Yin yoga is a slower, more meditative style of yoga that focuses on holding poses for longer periods of time. I encourage you to search for classes at your local gym or on YouTube that offer yin or trauma-informed yoga.
Bessel van der Kolk notes that in one study of women with severe trauma histories, yoga significantly improved their ability to regulate stress and reconnect with their bodies when years of talk therapy alone had not. He writes,
“While yoga significantly improved arousal problems in PTSD and dramatically improved our subjects’ relationships to their bodies (‘I now take care of my body’; ‘I listen to what my body needs’), eight weeks of DBT did not affect their arousal levels or PTSD symptoms.”
Yoga’s combination of breathing, gentle stretching, and mindful presence helps re-train the body to feel safe in stillness, something that trauma often steals. This aligns with God’s design. He made our bodies with built-in pathways toward peace when we slow down enough to activate them.
Other Practices That Help the Body and Soul Rest
There are tangible practices that not only bring peace to the soul but also stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your body God designed to help you rest, digest, and heal.
Mindful meditation.
We tend to live in the past or the future, but mindfulness brings us into the present. Mindful.org describes it as,
“the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. When you train your brain to be mindful, you’re actually remodeling the physical structure of your brain.”
I personally appreciate the Christian meditation app Soultime, which helps me bring Scripture into mindful awareness.
Deep, slow breathing.
This is another one I was resistant to try for years. I couldn’t imagine something as basic as breathing could be so effective at calming my body. But certain breathing exercises calm the nervous system and remind the body it is safe. I’ve found two methods most beneficial. First, I simply pause to take a deep breath in through my nose and then a long slow exhale through my mouth. I make sure I am breathing into my diaphragm so that I see my belly rise and fall on each inhale and exhale. I repeat this a few times when I feel my body start to tense up. The other is what has commonly become known as box breathing. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts.
Progressive muscle relaxation.
Tensing and then releasing muscle groups signals safety and helps the body let go of stored stress. There are several guided PMR videos on YouTube that can walk you through this soothing practice.
A warm bath or shower.
Dr. Bobby Buka notes that,
“your skin releases endorphins in response to the soothing warm water the same way that endorphins are released when you feel the sun on your skin.”
Warm water lowers cortisol, improves sleep quality, relaxes muscles, and activates the parasympathetic nervous system. When you sink into it, your body is reminded of safety, almost like being wrapped in a weighted blanket. No wonder God designed water to be not just cleansing but calming.
Massage.
This lowers stress hormones, eases muscle tension, and tells the nervous system it is safe to let go.
Grounding exercise.
Focusing on five things you see, four you feel, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste draws your attention back into the present moment and helps you regulate when anxiety spikes.
Singing or humming.
These activate the vagus nerve and shift the body toward rest and calm.
Time in nature.
I always feel closest to God when I am in nature. It’s no surprise that an abundance of research supports that time spent in nature is linked to lower levels of rumination and reduced physiological stress. Walking under trees, listening to water, or feeling the ground under your feet reconnects you with God’s creation and slows the racing pace of the mind.
Sleep.
I’ll focus on this more when we get to the part in this series on physical health, but I’d be remiss to not touch on it the importance of sleep here. For now, I’ll simply share what Q Porschatis, LCSW says in the article, The Healing Power of Sleep: How Rest Reshapes Trauma Recovery:
“Sleep fosters neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to form new neural connections. This adaptability is essential for overcoming trauma’s imprint on the brain. When well-rested, individuals experience improved concentration, mood stability, and resilience, empowering them to engage more effectively in therapeutic work.”
Why Rest Feels So Hard
Maybe you’ve tried sitting still with God and ended up feeling more anxious. That’s normal. Trauma has trained your body to stay on high alert. Like a muscle that hasn’t been stretched, rest must be practiced gently. Start small. One deep breath. One short prayer. One verse spoken over yourself. And trust that He is re-training your heart to rest in Him.
“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)
Notice, it doesn’t say “when everything is fixed” or “when I feel secure.” It says, “for you alone, Lord.” True relaxation is trusting His safety even when our circumstances feel unsafe.
Choosing Restoration Over Exhaustion
One risk of beginning a soul-care plan is that it can feel like it’s adding another responsibility to your plate and defeat the purpose. Be gentle with yourself. As Michael H. Burer says in the aforementioned article,
“Just as it is easy to work too hard, we can also work too hard at our rest. Don’t be anxious if life gets in the way and disrupts scheduled times of rest. Trust that consistency in the long haul will provide ample time to rest and rejoice in your relationship with God.”
Choose one small practice of godly rest this week. Maybe it’s a yin yoga class on YouTube. Maybe it’s going for a walk at a nearby park. Maybe it’s giving yourself permission to nap without guilt. However it looks, choose rest that restores, not escapes.
Relaxation isn’t selfish. It’s soul-care. It’s trusting the Shepherd who “makes me lie down in green pastures” and “leads me beside quiet waters” (Psalm 23:2). He desires more than your survival; He longs for your restoration.
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