Defeat Lust & Pornography Silhouette of a man sitting on bench overlooking a lake at sunset.
Defeat Lust & Pornography 3 minute read

Porn Made Me Hate Everything—Until I Found Freedom

Last Updated: January 2, 2024

I have struggled with pornography since I was 15 years old. It started as curiosity and a natural hormonal shift that we all have as humans, but it quickly turned into an issue that lasted throughout high school and in my early college years. In high school, I didn’t think it was an issue and I didn’t care to change. But after high school, I left to dedicate two years to God on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, where I was able to be free of pornography since I had no access to it.

However, shortly after returning home from my mission, I found myself slipping back into the destructive use of pornography. I found myself going back to viewing it more frequently, and it became more difficult to resist. It got to a point where I was viewing pornography multiple times a day, and it was destroying me. I thought that I could stop whenever I wanted—that I could do this on my own. But this was a lie I continued to tell myself as I fell deeper and deeper into this addiction.

Eventually, I realized I needed help and had no power to do this on my own. Putting my trust in God and asking for his help and guidance, I worked with church leaders who helped me get on the path of recovery. I was introduced to addiction recovery meetings that were held by the church that I began to attend. These meetings have taught me the importance of putting my trust in God, choosing to be humble, and relying on others for help and support through this journey of recovery.

Along with these meetings, I was also introduced to Covenant Eyes. Many members of these recovery meetings and other close friends talked to me about Covenant Eyes and how it has helped them abstain from viewing pornography. At first, I was a little reluctant to download the app for fear that others could see my searches on the internet. However, after using Covenant Eyes for the past year or two, I’ve seen how much of a blessing it has been in my recovery.

One of the main functions that I love about the app is how it filters out pornographic images from the internet. At the times when I would go searching for inappropriate content, I wasn’t able to find anything I was looking for due to the filtering technology. This has been great for me because it keeps me from having access to pornography on my phone. Another feature that I love is the ability for others to see my screen. I have a couple of allies on my account who have access to view my search history, and this has helped me be responsible to these people, knowing that they will see if I search for anything inappropriate.

With the help of Covenant Eyes, addiction recovery meetings, and others, I have never seen so much progress in my life. Back in high school or even two years ago, I never would have thought that recovery from pornography was possible for me. Today, I have been sober from viewing pornography for a year and two months. Abstaining from the use of pornography has brought me so much happiness in my life. I feel closer to God, my family, and my friends. It has allowed me to see the contrast between how unhappy and depressed I was when I was actively seeking out pornography. It caused me to hate myself, everyone around me, and everything in life. I had no respect for others or myself.

But making a constant effort to recover has brought me so much happiness and peace. I am very grateful that God has helped me in this journey and has led me to recourses like Covenant Eyes and recovery meetings. I am grateful to have seen this much progress in my recovery and I am continually striving to keep my thoughts and actions clean so I can continue to recover.

  1. Buang Monaledi

    Thank you for this story and your vulnerability.

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