I grew up in a middle-class home that, on the surface, appeared ordinary. I went to school, played sports, and earned good grades. But, behind closed doors, I was struggling. I was managing my father’s aggression and protecting my mom. Unknowingly, I began searching for ways to cope—to feel pleasure.
Then, I overheard classmates talking about something promiscuous and provocative during recess. They were speaking about pornography.
I was ten years old when I started watching Internet porn, which led to my addiction by age twelve. Though it numbed my emotional pain, this technology-mediated fantasy was so far from integrity.
The pornography industry’s use of today’s technology shows us a gross illusion that’s divorced from the integrity of the human person. It sells a lie: that our sexuality is a toy to exploit in ourselves and in others. We are meant to be “integrated”: a union of body and soul. Not only was porn isolating me from my family—trapping me within the vast confines of a digital hell—it dis-integrated my body from my soul. I felt my mind warp into a hollow shell of who I truly was.
With porn’s uncensored hyper-availability, living with integrity today is incredibly difficult. That’s why we need good tools and a strategy like Covenant Eyes, to foster conditions for purity and freedom. Overcoming tempting videos with genuine content allows us to heal broken patterns.
One of my earliest Covenant Eyes memories was the 2020 video detailing the “Activation Sequence.” It was a watershed moment as I began to understand what I had been facing all these years.
Struggles and Victories
My journey of trying to live with integrity faced many struggles, but also many profound victories. It was my grade 10 religion teacher who first explained how pornography distorts our minds. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. This pivotal moment kick-started my desire to quit watching porn, but the early stages were a constant battle. I would think about porn on my way home from school, then get sucked into my previously unfiltered computer.
Two early victories that spurred my sobriety were a talk titled ‘Be a Man’ and my first relationship. Speaker Fr. Larry Richards captivated my heart and challenged me to really love God. My romantic soul hoped to serve Him in the vocation of marriage. Rejuvenated with a new spirit and two months of abstinence from porn, I asked my high school crush out on a date. In that relationship, I was so captivated by caring for her that I didn’t desire porn. Unfortunately, the relationship eventually came to an end. About six months later, caught in the throes of loneliness, I fell back into porn. This fall was more sinister because I knew what I truly desired: real relationship.
My struggle persisted into University when a change of scenery and community pulled me out of those thorns again. I was blessed to participate in a Catholic Christian chaplaincy on campus. The fellowship and spiritual nourishment fostered a deep desire to discover my potential. Following a year of growth and watching less porn, I entered another relationship. Despite shared faith, the vice of lust started to emerge again as we challenged the boundaries of physical intimacy. Here I learned another cold reality of porn: it disorients us into using people as objects for sexual gratification.
After this relationship too ended, I took a really hard look at myself. Am I the man I want to be? Do I want to have this vice—these shackles—hanging over me in my marriage? These questions motivated a greater resolve and an improved prayer life over the next few years. When I began doubting if I would ever escape from this pit, I cried out to God for help. I was then introduced to the concept of “humble self-esteem,” simultaneously recognizing our greatness as children of God along with our brokenness. One idea that really stood out was how, “it is difficult to despise ourselves without offending God in us.” I knew I wanted to discover my mission and enter a free, total, fruitful, and faithful relationship.
Personal Accountability and My Mission
Pursuing personal accountability with Covenant Eyes helped me discover my mission and finally break my addiction. I was nominated to lead our campus ministry in my final year, which was a tremendous honor. Though I continued to struggle with porn, my chaplain greatly supported me in my battle. I poured my heart and attention into ministry. Then the chaplain encouraged me to consider sharing my testimony during a community prayer night. I had never spoken publicly about porn to anyone before, but I felt a strong desire to bring this struggle to the light and let others know they were not alone. God did not disappoint. The event was a huge success. Several students came up to me afterward, sharing their stories and wanting to fight the good fight together with me.
My brothers in Christ and I formed personal accountability. Some of us downloaded Covenant Eyes and committed to daily check-ins. A simple text each night: “stay pure,” strengthened and sharpened our iron wills. Not only did the Covenant Eyes app help us know what each other was viewing, the articles and videos inspired lots of discussion. As we grew in our resolve to defeat porn, we added the Exodus 90 challenge during the COVID-19 pandemic. As my spiritual life and freedom from porn grew, so did my confidence and maturity.
My journey reached an incredible milestone in 2022 when I reached 90 days, 180 days, then one whole year without watching porn! I soon began leading young adult ministry in my archdiocese and managed events that drew 50-250 young people my age. That grip porn had on my life finally broke into peripheral thoughts. Experiencing freedom inspired me to pursue my Masters in Social Work, to provide support and encouragement to people struggling with porn. Using support groups, 1:1 counseling, and, of course, Covenant Eyes, I plan to share the gift of personal accountability and spread the joy of freedom!
And just like my work mission, I found my vocation too. Early in 2023, an accountability partner introduced me to the most graceful, wholehearted woman I’ve ever met. Freedom from porn meant I could gaze into her eyes. I wasn’t afraid of holding her; I knew I didn’t want to use her.
The integrity and maturity I developed from years of falling and getting back up became the foundation of a relationship “far more wonderful than I could ever imagine.” With the help of Covenant Eyes, my journey and mission will now support our future ministry to share the deep love that comes from freedom from porn.
0 comments.