Anger. Betrayal. Mistrust. Loneliness.
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I watch it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
Regardless of the actions he is taking, your husband has betrayed your trust. Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography. Recovery may seem impossible.
The problem is not just in your head. In a 2012 analysis of five different studies, researchers concluded more pornography consumption is associated with a more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
The good new is this: recovery is possible.
Episode 144
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In this episode of our weekly podcast, we interview Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers some of the most common questions we receive from woman on this subject. In this interview, she addresses two key questions wives have about men and porn addiction: (1) How can a woman build her self-esteem and a sense of confidence when she feels constantly compared to pornography? and (2) How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Show Notes:
0:44 – Why Kay wrote her book, As Soon As I Fell
8:19 – What is the book, Porn and Your Husband, all about?
9:12 – How can a woman build her self-esteem?
18:42 – How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Stay tuned for part 2 of Kay’s interview next week.
Check out more of our podcasts on iTunes.
Porn and Your Husband (Free Book)
Three years ago we released Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. Since that time, tens of thousands of women have downloaded the book, and many have told us how helpful it is to them.
We recently updated and rereleased the book. In the book we address…
- Common questions wives have about pornography use: How can he look at porn and say he loves me? Why does he prefer porn to sex with me? Why am I not enough?
- Three stages of recovering from betrayal
- Tips on having productive conversations with a your spouse
- Rebuilding trust through healthy boundaries
- Lists of additional resources: books, intensive counseling, and software
Give us your e-mail to get the book!
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Enter the Giveaway!
Because this information is critical for many marriages, we want to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. That’s why, for one week only, we are giving away four $25 gift cards to Amazon.
To enter our drawing, either download the book or leave a comment below answering this question: Why is pornography bad for marriages? Do both to get two entries in the giveaway. (You must use a valid e-mail address to be eligible. E-mail addresses will not be published.)
Thanks to all who entered! The giveaway is now closed, and the winners have been notified.
Official Contest Rules:
- Maximum two entries per person (one comment and one book download).
- All entries must be received before 12 a.m. April 2, 2015.
- Four winners will be selected randomly and notified via e-mail no later than April 3.
- Due to our blog commenting policy, comments must be pre-approved to appear. All comments submitted before 12 a.m. EST will be entered into the giveaway.
Porn is destructive. Not just to marriage, but to individuals as well. The users develop unrealistic expectations, and find themselves unable truly connect with their partner. The partner loses trust, never feels worthy, struggles to get past self doubt, doesn’t feel loved…just to name a few issues. Can’t wait to read this book!! Thank you!
Is there a book for a husband whose wife consistently repeats unhealthy and destructive behavior with sexuality, fails to respect her husband or set boundaries with their extramarital relationships and have committed adultery?
Good question, Scott. Here are some of my recommendations:
1. Living Beyond the Heart of Betrayal: Biblically Addressing the Pain of Sexual Sin
2. When Sinners Say “I Do”: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage
3. Boundaries in Marriage
I would also look into Brad Hambrick’s video series about recovering from a spouse’s sexual sin: good for both men and women.
I think the length of a couple’s marriage can be a factor in determining how painful the porn addiction discovery can be for a wife. I believe if you have been married for a long time when you discover your husband’s addiction, that the wounds are deeper & more all encompassing. And, I believe that the longer the marriage, the longer it takes for a wife to heal from the discovery. I have been married over 30 yrs & I am finding the road to healing almost elusive. I want to heal & be delivered from this pain but, to be lied to & deceived by a man that I trusted for over 30 yrs, is very difficult to process & digest. And to realize that I remained a fool for that long, and my husband not only allowed me to, he practically encouraged it, sickens me to the core. My husband of over 30 yrs not only broke my heart, he also crushed my soul……all without a second thought.
Yes, feeling like your 30-year relationship was based on lies and deception is a very difficult pain to bear. Many women in situations like this are highly traumatized by the discovery of their husband’s “other life.” It is incredibly difficult to process, and that’s why I always recommend to wives that they get into recovery for themselves. I think every wife needs a counselor, a local group, and/or an online group to help process through all the emotions and issues that this brings up. As terribly difficult and painful as this is, it doesn’t have to own YOU for the rest of your life. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can make healthy choices for yourself.
Thank you all
The comments I’ve read bring some peace to me , knowing I’m not alone with my bouts of depression about a my husband’s porn a graph
The comments I’ve read have given me some peace in a never ending nightmare of my husband’s porn use. He doesn’t want to get help , but he wants our marriage to look perfect for all the world to see. As I type this, I’m depressed and disgusted. God has given me answers to my prayers , I’m to sacred to step out on faith .
Change is scary! I think many of us will choose to stay in a situation that’s terrible, rather than take a chance on change. You’re not alone in that, either!
It really is normal to be upset, depressed, and even highly traumatized as the spouse of someone who looks at porn. There is help and hope for YOU, no matter what he chooses.
You can reach out for counseling, and/or find a group in your area to attend. There are even online groups for spouses. You can educate yourself, and find blogs and forums that address this issue (just like you did here!). You can decide what’s healthy for you, and put boundaries in place to ensure that your healthy choices are respected. You might like to read through our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about what the recovery process looked like for them.
Hopefully you’ll find some safe, simple first steps there, down the road to freedom and healing. Blessings, Kay
Porn is bad for marriages because the secret sin detaches the spouse from wanting a physical relationship, it causes lying, anger, abuse. I have been the recipient of the man of the house using porn and I felt all the things of betrayal, panic attacks, trust issues that never were resolved because of the husbands refusal to see he did anything wrong, that he was just a “normal guy”, that he didn’t cheat because he never “touched” the women and the comment of “what’s the big deal, most men do it”. It’s a big deal all right when I had to battle the presence of evil in the home because of sexual horror movies and the constant lies. Porn is bad for marriages because the spouse ends up idolizing the women, his body, the media and it detracts from a real relationship with Christ and causes many problems. I became afraid because of the anger my husband directed towards me because he couldn’t access porn with the covenant eyes program on his computer and he would say I put a virus on there. I’d say the escalating anger became violent with threats. I’d also like to say, in my home the husband became fascinated with girls too young and this is borderline pedophelia. The teenage son in the home knew his dad looked at porn and masterbated and he became hesitant to knock on dad’s bedroom door afraid he might see his dad doing his thing. The more men view porn and masterbate, the more addictive it becomes. I was threatened many times to get the program off his computer with a 12 hour deadline. I was so afraid of him I had to leave the house twice and stay with family or friends. He was loud and obnoxious and would drink and then tell me his cock was throbbing as his brain was telling him he wanted porn to look at but he was not inclined to want his wife. I saw and heard the withdrawls of porn when he couldn’t have it, he’d get to be so angry that he’d break things in the house. Once when I left out of town he was stressed out about me leaving and said in a text “I need sex now” and he left to go to his computer for 20 minutes. He would tell me he never committed adultery as what he was doing “was not real”. It sure is real when they hear the moans and screams, see the images on the screen, touch their penis to masterbate and ejaculate and then have the images in their head where their spouse is no longer appealing to them. I had my hair pulled, my head shoved into his crotch, was talked to like the porn stars talk to guys on the screen and he would experiment with the dirty talk towards me. It was like he was acting out what he saw and he couldn’t connect on a personal level with a real person to really know what love is, hard core sex to just get off was much more fascinating and pleasing. He acted in ways that said “self service me” but I don’t have to reciprocate anything to you. I know you gals know what I’m talking about.
I don’t see this problem going away, it will get worse, good we have covenant eyes but I think our pastors really need to step up and tell it plainly like it is: porn summons demons and porn is real because those men and women on the screen are real, they will faced with judgment to God for what they are doing and being with a spouse who loves them and there’s freedom to have sex with love is the best way and the only way.
God is watching, God knows everything and sees everything and we are to be held accountable before God one day for everything we say, we do, hear and what we search for on the internet. God Help Us All! Porn destroyed my marriage!
Cindy, I am so sorry for the difficult situation you’re in right now.
From your description, it sounds to me like his behavior has crossed the line into physical abuse. My primary concern at this point is for your safety. I am concerned, like you are, that the problem will continue to escalate. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at any time, 1-800-799-7233. There is more information on their website, including information about what defines abuse.
I do think that men can recover, even from situations like this. However, it will be his job to take responsibility for himself, and to do the work of recovery.
Your primary responsibility is for your safety, and the safety of your children. I think that this is where God holds us as spouses accountable in situations like this: to be healthy, to make the tough choices that will prompt healing and wholeness, even if our spouses make other choices.
I would add that if you think he has been looking at child pornography, you can (and I personally think you should) report this to your local law enforcement for investigation.
Thank you for the updated book! I can’t wait to read it.
Porn took trust and sex out of my marriage. All that’s left is my believe in not getting divorced.
Thanks for an invaluable resource. Looking forward to reading it.
PORN KILLS.
PORN PERVERTS.
PORN DESTROYS.
PORN TRAUMATIZES.
It has killed my security, my hopes, my dreams, my confidence, my healthy bodily self-image, my happiness, my joy, my reason to continue as the marriage & love deteriorates in the process to slow but sure death.
It has killed me already.
It has perverted my femininity, my sexuality, my desires, my reality, my boundaries, my view of the past, present & future.
It has perverted all my being.
PORN destroyed all that was good, pure, sweet, innocent, trustworthy, respected, admired, secured, joyful & genuine in the marriage.
It has destroyed me to shreds.
PORN has traumatized me beyond anything I’ve ever had to endure on this earth. All of what I’ve gone through in my life can’t compare to the trauma it has caused. Even the sexual abuse as a little & prepubescent girl didn’t even do ALL OF THIS to me, of which I recovered quickly by the grace of God.
Porn has traumatized me beyond any timely, much-needed, recuperation.
His relapses & his threats to do it have continued to traumatize me even more.
I’m totally traumatized. I need God’s healing power to completely heal me.
I’m a dead, destroyed, traumatized woman inside.
Even though we are still in the process of recovery, (without counseling) PORN continues to kill.
It has killed it all within me, the marriage & all that is left of the love that once was.
I appreciated all the ladies’ heartfelt comments. Thank you. I cried through each one of them.
Ana, I am so sorry for the pain you’re in right now. Many women have that same sort of traumatic experience around pornography in relationships. That is a really normal response to the pain.
I want to encourage you to seek support for YOURSELF in the recovery process. You do need healing, and that most often comes through other people who can care for you and support you while you are so wounded. It sounds to me like you really need a personal counselor. Not for your husband. For YOU, so you can get the care you need. Another good avenue for support is a group setting like Celebrate Recovery.
If you haven’t looked into our free downloads, you might appreciate Porn and Your Husband as well as Hope After Porn.
The good news is this: YOU CAN RECOVER. Whatever your husband does or doesn’t do about his problems with porn, YOU can be healthy. It’s hard work, getting healthy after something like this happens, but you can get there! Find support, though. You need help! And there’s lots of help available. Blessings, Kay
Dear Ana……I am so very sorry for you. And I do know how this feels. I am just about 2 years since my discovery day. It’s coming up the end of April and I’m preparing myself. Springtime will be beautiful but my memory of that afternoon doesn’t ever go away. Like many, I am in therapy for PTSD. I never thought I would ever get through this…my eyelids were slammed shut for days because of non stop crying, sobbing, and wailing like a dying animal. I loved my husband and we had a great sex life and I never thought he would even look at another woman. Let alone watch porn. And then lie over and over and make me second guess myself like I was insane. Here’s the good news if you could call it that. After lots of support in therapy and lots of soul searching, I have begun to love myself and believe in myself again. It didn’t happen overnight, but with some work and lots of prayer and faith in God I have reached a safe and good point. Is my marriage saved…? Well, we are together and I’m sorry to say that for now I choose to NOT trust him very much. It’s not in my best interest. And I am number one right now after years of my husband being number one selfishly. My happiness matters and God wants me to be happy. My husband is in therapy and working on himself, and that’s a good thing. Life isn’t perfect now, but I made a committment to myself and to God I would work on my healing. This is a trauma that hurts beyond belief. All our safety and all our dreams of what we thought we had disappear. Quite frightening. I joined an online group for wives of porn addicts and these women saved my life. I had a safe place to go without feeling judged or uncomfortable. There is healing after a husbands betrayal, but we have to seek it out. My prayers are with you, and I will ask God to give Divine Intervention. YOU are worth it, YOU deserve the good in life, YOU are Gods child.
Pornography is not a new age phenomenon. It dates back thousands of years. Every culture on Earth had its own versions of Erotica and Comedy, which was profane and perverse plays and writings. Drawings and Oil Paintings next took up the genre. Printed pornography began with copper plate etchings and then moved onto to photography once the camera process was readily developed for Erotic images. The color printing process gave rise to mass produced R and XXX rated imagery. The Camera also gave birth to the Adult Movie Industry and Porno Houses. Now we have Electronic Mass Media-Social Media pornography delivered right into your homes on High Definition TV Screens for all to enjoy. Any child over 7 can override or defeat “adult channels lockouts”, so those are not preventing minors from watching two adults doing every conceivable thing to one another. Any many wonder why youth is so disrespectful and world wise by the time they are 9 and 10 years. They have literally seen and heard it all by then. If the kids know daddy is looking at filthy images on the computer and later that night can hear him knocking the bottom out of mommy in the bedroom – do you think they are going to have great feelings or thoughts about their parents? On the other hand- Men who must look naked money shots images of other women taking it one way or the other, and then get aroused and more than likely will masturbate to the imagery – are for all intents and purposes having an affair with another women they do not even know. He is fantasizing over her and visualizing himself as the unnatural massively equipped STUD servicing the wet and screaming HOTTIE in the image. And this is what ruins marriages, because 99% of married women want a monogamous marriage and do not want their husbands fantasizing about or spanking the monkey over some other females open genitalia being rammed by some other dudes thick tool. Pornography is just as additive as heroine. But nearly twice as difficult to kick the daily need for an ejaculate release fix! The more the man views thousands of pornography images, if he’s married, the more he’ll demand things from his wife who will not be thrilled by the requests – or will do them, but not like it. The more he fantasizes over other women, the less he’ll be in love with his wife and the more he’ll be looking at other women as a potential to satisfy his lust. This is why many married men who are into porn, often hook up with prostitutes, one night stands, or have an ongoing affair until they are caught – and then that usually leads to a nasty divorce. Nothing GOOD and Relationship building can result from a man who is into the world of pornography. It breeches Love, Honor, Respect, Trust, Faith, Truthfulness, Commitment, Wholesomeness, Purity of mind and heart, and above everything else – an absolute slap to the face of God and Holy Matrimony. When you tell a woman you love her beyond and above all others and your heart belongs to her alone and then proposing to her for a marital commitment – You had better mean very word of it! If you can’t promise her that, then don’t marry her. There is no room in the marriage for pornography if you expect the marriage to last. I think I have said all there is to be said… good luck.