Anger. Betrayal. Mistrust. Loneliness.
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I watch it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
Regardless of the actions he is taking, your husband has betrayed your trust. Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography. Recovery may seem impossible.
The problem is not just in your head. In a 2012 analysis of five different studies, researchers concluded more pornography consumption is associated with a more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
The good new is this: recovery is possible.
Episode 144
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In this episode of our weekly podcast, we interview Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers some of the most common questions we receive from woman on this subject. In this interview, she addresses two key questions wives have about men and porn addiction: (1) How can a woman build her self-esteem and a sense of confidence when she feels constantly compared to pornography? and (2) How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Show Notes:
0:44 – Why Kay wrote her book, As Soon As I Fell
8:19 – What is the book, Porn and Your Husband, all about?
9:12 – How can a woman build her self-esteem?
18:42 – How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Stay tuned for part 2 of Kay’s interview next week.
Check out more of our podcasts on iTunes.
Porn and Your Husband (Free Book)
Three years ago we released Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. Since that time, tens of thousands of women have downloaded the book, and many have told us how helpful it is to them.
We recently updated and rereleased the book. In the book we address…
- Common questions wives have about pornography use: How can he look at porn and say he loves me? Why does he prefer porn to sex with me? Why am I not enough?
- Three stages of recovering from betrayal
- Tips on having productive conversations with a your spouse
- Rebuilding trust through healthy boundaries
- Lists of additional resources: books, intensive counseling, and software
Give us your e-mail to get the book!
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Enter the Giveaway!
Because this information is critical for many marriages, we want to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. That’s why, for one week only, we are giving away four $25 gift cards to Amazon.
To enter our drawing, either download the book or leave a comment below answering this question: Why is pornography bad for marriages? Do both to get two entries in the giveaway. (You must use a valid e-mail address to be eligible. E-mail addresses will not be published.)
Thanks to all who entered! The giveaway is now closed, and the winners have been notified.
Official Contest Rules:
- Maximum two entries per person (one comment and one book download).
- All entries must be received before 12 a.m. April 2, 2015.
- Four winners will be selected randomly and notified via e-mail no later than April 3.
- Due to our blog commenting policy, comments must be pre-approved to appear. All comments submitted before 12 a.m. EST will be entered into the giveaway.
What do you do when your husband does not believe in God and the sacrifice Jesus made for us? I have tried, over 15 years of being together. He doesn’t want to know. I pray but it feels hopeless :(
I know it must be a huge grief for you to be unable to share your spiritual walk with your husband.
I want to tell you something that I believe with all my heart: It is not your job to save your husband. His walk with God, whatever that looks like, is HIS.
Do you remember what Jesus said to the disciples when they were asking “What about this one? What’s going to happen to him?” And Jesus says, “What is that to you? YOU FOLLOW ME.” (John 21:22)
Of course we want the best for our loved ones. Of course we share our faith when it’s appropriate. Of course we pray for them. Of course we are grieved when they make bad choices.
But ultimately, what happens with them is not our deal. It’s God’s deal.
And when we get too focused on things we cannot change (other people), we often get distracted from what we CAN work on (ourselves).
I think you’re going to have to let go and let God here. And the thing I’ve found with God is that he doesn’t work the way we want, in the time frame we want–and he doesn’t over-rule our free will. Your husband will have to choose to turn toward Home at some point, and when he does, he’ll find that welcome that all prodigals find.
Meanwhile, lay this burden down. Let God carry this. Let him carry your husband. Let him carry you.
Blessings, Kay
Break free from the chains of porn. Go to Jesus Christ for TRUE LOVE. Don’t let the world try to tell you what love is really about. Find something that you can use to put your energy into instead of watching porn. Find something you love to do, and wouldn’t mind doing for a long time. Get Adblock and Covenant Eyes, or a similar filtering software to keep you accountable for your browsing. Never give up, always fight the good fight for Christ. DON’T NAIL HIM TO THE CROSS!
I’m looking forward to reading this book. Feeling quite hopeless that our marriage will survive his recent relapse. Not sure why I have to to go through this again. Quite sick. Sick of the lies and secrets. Sick of putting up with this. I donot know how I will ever trust again. I wish I was fortunate to have had a loving trusting marriage instead of this!
Thank you so much for the time and energy you put into developing such a powerful, needed resource! So many people have nowhere to turn and don’t know what to do to work through this tough issue. Thank you for tackling it in a direct and sensitive manner.
I was so thankful for your publication 3 years ago and I’m still thankful. I look forward to reading the new book
Looking forward to this!
Finding porn was devastating…debilitating.
I have struggled with much in my life, but this hit me in a place that I thought was safe…because I thought I knew my husband…I believed he was who he pretended to be in order to get married…I believed God had given me a partner.
and 20 years later, I discover that he only got married in order to have sex…and it wouldn’t really matter to him who it was with.
So, we co-exist in order to co-parent our 4 boys…
He claims to be repentant, but I only see regret…repeated regret every time I stumble upon another lie from him…and I regret that I ever married him because it feels like I got a life sentence for his crime.
It sounds like you are in so much pain right now, and I’m sorry for that.
Real repentance will express itself as CHANGE, and you’ll see that change become a reality through trustworthy behavior over time. Behavioral things are a good sign of change: internet accountability, attending a group, going to therapy. But the bottom line is when you can see that he’s emotionally engaged in the relationship, able to care about how you feel, how things impact you, and a growing willingness to stay in the relationship when things are tough.
Whatever he chooses, I hope you’ll choose a path to health for YOU: counseling, local groups, online groups–whatever it takes to help you process through this and make good choices for yourself and your children. You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about what that journey looked like for them.
The bottom line is this: yes, it’s incredibly painful to discover this, and it’s not fair that these consequences fall on you. But no matter how painful, it’s not the end of YOUR life. You can find a way through this to a healthy place, and I hope that you will. Just don’t try to do it alone! There are lots of good resources out there for you.
Porn destroys the intimacy between a husband and a wife that God intended to be sacred in marriage.
And that’s really about the emotional intimacy, which is expressed in sexual intimacy.
Can’t wait to start reading this! Thank you thank you!
Porn is bad for my marriage because it has above all broken trust with my husband.
And I think the issue of broken trust goes far beyond just a behavior; it’s really about not being emotionally trustworthy. Recovery is about having a marriage that nurtures and sustains both of you, and that requires the ability to really BE TOGETHER in many significant ways, beyond just the issue of porn.