Stuck. That’s how I felt. Stuck in an infinite abyss at the bottom of a deep, dark well. Stuck in the cycle of:
- Being tempted
- Acting on that temptation
- Knowing what I was actively watching/participating in was wrong
- Finish the climax
- Regret what I just did
- Repeat
Each time I looped through that cycle, I found myself digging deeper into the pit of that deep well. Regret encamped my mind. Shame—my heart. Living on the outside like I had everything figured out, when on the inside, I was hollow and lacking. Each glance at pornography, or any sexual acts I committed (masturbating, fooling around with friends of mine, etc.), served as an idol that temporarily filled the God-shaped hole in my heart, reminding me of how alone I was in the deep well of shame I found myself in.
I met David in the summer of 2021 and became close friends with him. Within 2-3 weeks of getting to know him, I told him “I struggle with porn and masturbation.” Immediately, he stopped, put his hand on my shoulder, and spun me around for a big embrace. He showed me a kind of love that made no sense to me. A love that accepted me for who I was despite my shortcomings—unconditional Love. Looking back, I see David’s empathy and vulnerability in sharing with me about his shortcomings as the moment where I began to oppose the cycle I was stuck in and slowly began to climb out of the deep well I found myself stuck in. His empathy helped cure my shame, and his wisdom, guidance, and suggestions on how to fight/flee pornography have helped tremendously.
The week after he told me about Covenant Eyes, I downloaded it with the help of my parents and haven’t gone back to other browsers since. I always found a way to bypass the other browsers, but I have not and will not attempt to bypass Covenant Eyes as I know that I downloaded it for my best interest. Going around it would be completely counterproductive. Covenant Eyes has been a major help in removing pornography from my life, and I’m relying more on accountability from my Godly brothers to “keep me in check” in regard to masturbation. Every time I feel tempted, I make it a priority to first and foremost give it to God, then send a message to my brothers in Christ to let them know that I’m under attack. They often pray over me, but I use it more to spur me to do what I tell them I’m going to do, which is not fall.
From being on my iPad late every night, watching pornography, and prolonging masturbation until I was next to asleep, to occasional slip-ups, God has built in me a great testimony that I am not ashamed of publicly stating. In front of 16 students and my eleventh-grade Bible teacher, I shared a lesson on shame and empathy entitled “Deep Wells.” In a silent classroom, I openly told them that I’ve struggled with porn and masturbation and how David’s one act of empathy changed the trajectory of my life. Time and time again, I’ve had the opportunity to open up to people and let them know that “the perfect Christian” (that’s what many of them have seen me as) doesn’t have it all together, and that God can shine through their brokenness too.
God calls us to be holy, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be perfect and can’t make mistakes. Holy means having a close relationship with Him, doing your best to live as Jesus did, and spreading His Love everywhere we go. Holy means doing the right things for the right
reason, but also when no one is watching. With pornography and masturbation being so prevalent in today’s day and age, ready at the click of a button, it’s hard for most individuals to live a life of integrity. A pure and holistic lifestyle can only be achieved with the help of God’s mighty power, and I am blessed that I had David to show me God’s Love, and I hope that I can continue to be that Love for others too.
