My 40 Years in the Desert: Decades of Struggle with Sex and Porn Addiction

For as long as I could remember, I struggled with relationships. I remember in my 20’s reading about people who were addicted to serial relationships, but I disregarded this notion thinking my struggle was one I could easily overcome if I just put my mind to it—though I never actually did put my mind to it.

Eventually, my struggles led to isolation and the abuse of pornography as a means of bringing comfort and satisfaction to myself. Though to be honest, the comfort and satisfaction was only momentary. I felt as though I needed to always find more; find something better; chase a deeper level of satisfaction. But this satisfaction never came.

The cost

I found myself losing hours, days, months, and years chasing comfort and although I told myself I could stop any time, I never could. At one point I even quit a fabulous job as an administrator in an Ivy League university so that I could move across the country in pursuit of a relationship which of course amounted to nothing but heartache and financial ruin due to my spending hours mired in pornography and compulsive masturbation. This came to be a pattern for me. I lost friends, relationships, the respect of my peers and family, as well as a profound toll upon my financial and spiritual well-being.

Eventually, while chasing serial relationships around the country and comforting myself with porn and masturbation, I met a man who talked of his own struggles with pornography and love addiction. He was in recovery and was finding victory through 12-step programs. This was a completely new concept for me and before long, I too found myself in a 12-step recovery program for sex addiction. At the time, there were very few programs for women in recovery and so I found myself in co-ed 12-step rooms.

The solution

With both of us in early recovery, we struggled with chronic relapse and eventually found that adding Covenant Eyes as one of our tools provided just enough support and accountability that, together with our work in the 12-steps, using sponsors and accountability partners, we could begin to string together days, weeks, and now finally years and over a decade of sobriety and clean living.

Staying sober through helping others

Today that man in recovery is my husband. During our ongoing recovery and desire to stay sober and help others find victory, we opened a therapy practice focusing on recovery from sex and porn addiction and betrayal trauma. Our staff includes my husband a CSAT, a colleague who is a couple’s counselor, another colleague who is a Christian counselor and PSAP along with myself: a betrayal trauma and pastoral sex addiction recovery coach.

Together, by the grace of God, one day at a time, we have been able to help many find their way to victory over problematic sexual behaviors and addiction. We also specialize in working on healing from the traumas that set so many up for vulnerability and susceptibility to the injuries and harm that come with porn abuse and other sexual behaviors.

We have found that with the support of one-on-one therapy, therapeutic and psychoeducational groups, and couples therapy, we are able to help many individuals and couples find authentic hope and healing.

Deepening my commitment

This spring I decided to deepen my commitment to this work as I have just enrolled in a masters in mental health counseling program at Liberty University in order to gain my LPC and ultimately a CSAT certification. I begin my work in August and hope to finish the degree within18 months. There is such a shortage of CSATs in our region that I decided to make the investment of time and money to deepen the level of work I can do with clients struggling with addictions to sex, love, and pornography.

At first, my ego tugged at me because I have already earned a doctoral degree in another field. But every day, as I work with addicts and betrayed partners, I feel a deepening of my call to this work. The need is great. And general therapists and counselors are at a loss of how to approach these issues.

In the 12-steps, we talk about how important it is for those of us in recovery to continue in 12th step work with newcomers. It’s a daily reminder that, “there but for the grace of God, go I.” Continuing to work with couples impacted by porn abuse and problematic sexual behaviors keeps me sober. As I share the tools, experience, strength, and hope with clients, I am speaking into my own recovery and daily progressive victory over lust.

The impact of pornography

In my previous career in education, I got to see first-hand how pervasive porn abuse is among young men and women. I have seen the ways regular porn abuse wrecks thinking, feeling, and the ability to authentically connect with others. And now in the helping professions, I’ve worked with young men and women who have lost hope and believe that there is no future for them because they are so stuck in their addictions and problematic behaviors.

The good news is that we have tools like Covenant Eyes, we have best therapeutic and coaching practices that we know can work, and we have experience with helping people break free from the hold that these behaviors have upon lives.

We can get better. We can help others get there too. And this is why, at the late age of 64 I am returning to graduate school to be able to work more deeply with those seeking recovery and victory over lust. I intend to continue this work until I die.

The need is great. And the grace to heal is available for those willing to cooperate and use the tools at our disposal. We can get better.

There is hope.