The Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation has a series of “minibooks” (usually no more than 30 pages) dedicated to specific counseling related topics. This week we are reviewing “It’s All About Me: The Problem of Masturbation.”
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Winston Smith has been counseling for more than 15 years and is the author of a variety of CCEF resources related to marriage and sexuality. His minibook “It’s All About Me” attempts to tackle the questions “What’s the harm of masturbation?” and “What can I do to stop?”
Smith’s goal is to help the chronic masturbator examine his or her internal world – the world of imagination. This, Smith says, is where the problem and solution starts.
Old Arguments Against Masturbation
Some of the church’s arguments against the practice of masturbation focused on the physical act itself. This line of argument stretches Scripture to the breaking point.
About 250 years ago, masturbation was known as the sin of “onanism,” stemming from the story in Genesis 38. When Onan’s brother died he was culturally obligated to have sex his sister-in-law so she would not die a childless widow and leave his brother with no heir. During their intercourse he chose to pull out of her and spill his semen on the ground instead. The story says nothing about the solo act of masturbation but about the Onan’s stubborn disregard for his brother’s family.
There are no cases of solo masturbation mentioned in the Bible. The only place where a form of masturbation is mentioned is in the love poem, the Song of Solomon, where the two lovers poetically describe acts of mutual masturbation during love-making (2:3,6; 4:12). So as far as the Bible is concerned, there is silence on whether the physical act of masturbation is sinful.
Why the Fantasies Behind Masturbation are Wrong
In “It’s All About Me,” Winston Smith addresses the subject of masturbation from a different angle: from the perspective of fantasy.
He has readers examine their own sexual fantasies and ask, “How do the people populating my fantasies relate to me? What are their attitudes in my fantasies? How do they behave towards me in my fantasy world?” Much of the time, the fantasies are less about those people as much as they are about the person who is fantasizing. In your sexual fantasies, you take center stage. The plot and characters revolve around you. It is the world where all the characters are you-centered and play to your desires for pleasure, power, or control.
Smith calls this habit of fantasy “playing god.” “No matter how widely your fantasies may vary,” Smith writes, “in every instance you play god with people. You reduce those made in the image of the true God to mindless robots who serve your whims.”
In the typical biblical counseling fashion, Smith’s goal is to help readers to understand the “idols of the heart” (Ezekiel 14:1-8). In this case, masturbation becomes the way we eroticize self-idolatry: We are turned on by a fantasy world where we are gods.
Like it or not, our fantasies and the activities of our heart reflect the truth about who we really are. “As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man” (Proverbs 27:19). This, Smith says, is the real harm masturbation fantasies cause: they train the mind to be self-focused, pleasure-seeking, and escapist. This runs contrary to the attitudes of love and service that are modeled for us in the life of Christ (Philippians 2:6-8).
In other words, what makes the fantasies behind masturbation wrong is that they are attitudes that run in the opposite direction of Christlike love: a love that was willing to lose its life for others.
Creating New Habits of Love
Smith talks about how we can build a new internal world based not on selfishness but love. He talks about the necessary steps of confession to God, repentance, and accountability to others. But for Smith, repentance from masturbation is not merely about turning from a mere physical habit as much as it is about building new habits of love.
Repenting of lustful fantasies means we turn from our internal worlds of selfishness and turn towards Jesus who can teach us to love as He loves. Smith writes:
The Bible says, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us” (1 John 4:10–12). God has shown us perfect love in Christ, so we learn how to love from him. If you want to learn how to love, then become a lifelong student of Jesus.
This isn’t just about kicking a bad habit. God promises that, as you live a life of love by trusting in Christ, God’s love will become visible through you. What could be more meaningful than making God’s love visible to others? This same passage helps us to see how special that love is: God’s love is sacrificial. He puts our needs first even though it costs him a high price. Your basic compass heading for love is to do what is best for others even if it costs you. Your initial sacrifice will be your own comfort and lusts. When you are tempted to escape, look around and notice what others need in that moment and serve them.
I highly recommend this quick and cheap resource for your church. It is an ideal discussion-starter for youth groups or men’s groups who are dealing with this subject and don’t want a massive book to read.
My husband says that when he is looking at a pic of a woman, other than myself and masturbates, that he is just looking not lusting after the woman. I told him that if he masturbates he is lusting and that if he is just looking he won’t masturbate. I believe his thinking is warped and that he is trying to convince himself that he is not in the wrong. What is your take on this?
If a man needs a visual stimulus to be aroused (or needs to fantasize to be aroused) then he is using the image stir sexual desires. It is one thing if masturbation is a non-fantasizing activity (and for some men it is), but for someone who needs to fill his mind with images in order to reach a climax, then those images are objects of sexual lust for him. I would have a hard time understanding it any other way.
Depends on what one means by “lust”. The basic meaning of the Hebrew and Greek words in the Bible is “desire”, whether desire for good, or desire for something forbidden. When the desire is likely wrong, the translators render the word “lust”; when it is a good or neutral desire, they render the same word “desire”. It’s not a sexual word or a moral term.
Your husband is simply saying that he is not wanting to have sex with the woman whose image he has enjoyed. His aim is orgasm not sex. Men don’t associate orgasm with relationships. So, no it’s not lust, it is sexual arousal. If there was intent on his part to try to meet her, or if he was doing this because he was dissatisfied with you, then his motivations would be suspect.
Your Greek and Hebrew is a little off. There are actually multiple words that are translated “desire.” “Lust” is not typically a desire for the wrong things but more of an inordinate desire, whether is be for the right or wrong things.
Instead of committing fornication,is it sinful to quench your sexual urge with masturbation?
@Anny – Yes. Not the masturbation specifically, but the lustful thoughts that attend it. As Jesus says in Matthew 5, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
I believe I have continued on the guidelines you have suggested, and I continue to struggle with masturbation.
Do you believe a reason is because I have not allowed the Lord to minister to my heart in regards to the women I had relations with before I became a Christian?
Thank you.
In His Grace,
@RDJ – There can be a number of factors. First, if you are single, perhaps Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 7:2 is fitting. Second, if you are married, it might be a good idea to explore ways to increase emotional intimacy with your wife. The more we equate sexual pleasure with a specific person, the more we guard against the mental habits associated with “solo sex.” Third, I recommend really investigating the specific triggers (both circumstantial and emotional) that often precede masturbation.
Let me give you a for instance: For me there is something about being alone at night that is a trigger for me. I believe part of the reason is it was a pattern I established for myself in my adolescence. Another reason is I have recognized that one of my mental habits has been to segregate my day into “me time” and everything else. Most of my day, I spend at work serving my boss or at home serving my family. When the lights are low and I’m all by myself I notice this tendency in me to say, “Okay, its ‘me time.’ I can do whatever I please now,” which quickly turns into tempting thoughts. I’ve had to develop a new habit of thinking. When I am alone, I have had to very consciously recognize that lie as it enters my mind and redirect my thoughts to God’s truth: the truth that all of my time is God’s time and I am never truly alone. This habit has taken some time to develop, but it has been worth it. (And no, I’m nowhere near perfect at it.)
Your triggers might be totally different.
Past relationships could be a factor in this, but I would hope you could clarify exactly what you mean by the Lord “ministering to your heart” about these past relationships. What exactly would you be asking the Lord to do? Forgive you for past disobedience? Alleviate your guilt or shame about something? Being more specific you can be really clear in your prayers to God about what you are asking Him to do.
Any thoughts?
what would you suggest as a key first step to turning the problem of masturbation around? any thoughts?
@Mark – First, I’d take a look at this book and see what you think. It’s very short and has some great pointers. Second, I would constantly remember that masturbation is a habit of body and mind. The physical habit has been created over time: specific times, places, and occasions have become comfortable occasions for masturbation to happen. So change your physical routine in some way. For instance, if masturbation typically happen at night, in bed, in the the shower, etc. then do something that changes your mental habits during those triggering moments. Pray, meditate on Scripture, etc. But always remember that it is lust that fuels masturbation: the physical act is the fruit of lustful thoughts. Make your primary aim examining how you view women, how you fantasize about them. This is the habit of mind that must change if we are ever to get a handle on masturbation.
Thank you for your reply Mr. Gilkerson. I have been in churches where christian women let “everything” hang out on top and wear mini skirts and I have been in churches where the dresses touched their ankles and it was almost a sin to kiss your husband in public. So obviously everybody’s idea of what’s “Christian” is different. And anything about sex is taboo. So it’s hard to find godly answers when the Bible is silent on certain things. Thanks again, you were very helpful!
@Sue – Thanks. As for the subject of modesty, I have written some on that topic. Read my, “One Man’s Take on Modesty.”
I have struggled with wondering if it was right or wrong for sometime…and if there were acceptable occasions for it. In example: Husband is on a buisness trip and they have phone sex? Or Wife is on bed rest while pregnant and Husband needs release? If they are not thinking about other people, is it wrong? Just wondering what your thoughts were on this aspect of it. (There are some things you just don’t ask your parents…)
@Sue – Good questions. Personally, because I think the issue has to do with one’s fantasy life and habits, not the physical action of masturbating, I don’t a couple engaging with each other through masturbation is problematic. For instance, in his book, Porn Again Christian, Mark Driscoll addresses this question:
I think Driscoll’s treatment of the topic is right on.
I heard one pastor say that as long as your fantasizing about your wife, it’s ok to masturbate on occasion.
@BWC – Interesting idea. I think the problem in this case isn’t lusting after a forbidden person but building a habit of self-focused sexuality. Healthy and godly sexuality is about giving to your spouse, about oneness, about intimacy and connectedness. When someone gets it in their head they can masturbate while they think about their wife, it could easily become a habit of thinking that eventually causes problems. I won’t say it is immoral, outright. I will say one should first examine the reason why it is needed. Am I retreating to fantasy simply because it is “easier” than pursuing intimacy with my wife? How could i more constructively use my sexual energy to engage in intimate conversation and activity with my wife?
I’m surprised by this review. It contains quite a bit of unnecessary Bible eroticism (complete with references) that some could find triggering. Additionally, to say that the Bible is silent on masturbation is a little off the mark, isn’t it? I thought Jesus taught that to look at a woman with lust in our hearts was sinful. Since masturbation is fueled by lust, it’s a stretch to say the Bible is silent on the subject.
@Wes – Thanks for your comment.
First, as for the Bible being silent about masturbation, I hope this review makes perfectly clear that the Bible is not silent about the issue of lust and fantasy. It speaks clearly about these things. Masturbation is, if you will, the typical fruit of such sinful fantasy. The point is this: the Bible does not depict or describe the action of solo masturbation, but it does speak often about the fantasies that commonly drive masturbation. In this excellent little book, Winston Smith chooses to focus on those heart-level motivations rather than making the more surfacey (and incorrect) statement that the Bible condemns the outward action.
Often, we run into people who were taught as children and teens that the action of masturbation is sinful, taught to “white-knuckle” their way through temptation, only to be disenchanted with those teachers later on when they searched in vain for any Biblical statements about it. In short, for those who want to stop masturbation, the goal is not about trying to quit the action itself as much as it is about renewing one’s mind and heart. Actions will follow. Trying to do things the other way around is like plucking bad fruit off a bad tree: the tree needs to change before the fruit can be good.
As for the “Bible eroticism,” I had hoped the references were faithful to the text of the Bible. Please let me know if you think I’m in error on something. Also, I didn’t not want to be any more “erotic” than the Bible itself, so if you feel I have stepped over the line, please let me know so I can adjust my words. When I write about sexual topics, my goal is to speak as frankly just the Scriptures do. The Bible is frank without being crass, crude, or perverted, and I pray I’ve done the same. I hope my words have been no more “triggering” than specific Bible passages about the same subjects.
Can you elaborate a little more for me on this?
I think this is a very challenging as much as controversial topic, but needs to be heard. The scripture that says..’as a man thinks in his heart, so is he’…, says a lot especially where our imagination goes down the wrong road. Another scripture about if you lust after a woman in your heart you commit adultery, bears a thought of masturbation while the thought is happening in video role play in the persons mind. Simply put people who masturbate make themselves as a god, therefore worshipping satan and at the same time break three commandments. You shall worship the Lord your God and serve Him only; You shall have no other god’s before Me; Do not commit adultery. It also says in scipture that if you break one of the commandments you break them all. Where is the conviction to Obey. Obedience is beter than (self serving) sacrifice.
@Shane – Great thoughts. It is amazing how much the 10 commandments come into play in this issue.