A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
My husband is not in love with me and does not have love for me anymore. He said he is pretty much only with me now because we have a baby together and he doesn’t want him to end up like his other three children. He claims that he no longer has interest in me anymore because of the things my 17 year old son does or doesn’t do and what I do or don’t do in his eyes when it comes to parenting him. I had no idea that my relationship with my husband was going to be determined based on my so called parenting, yet he didn’t raise any of his children. I uprooted myself and my son and changed my life to be with this man that I love so very much. I have emotionally supported him and physically supported him through his incarceration and every difficult thing he has had to endure since. I haven’t heard the words I love you in over 2 years, he does not show any physical affection in any way shape or form. He was not there for me emotionally or physically during my pregnancy, saying to me that pregnancy is a turn off to him. Over the years I’m constantly being accused of “being with other people” as he says “if I’m not getting it at home I must be going somewhere else to get it”. Since he told me he didn’t love me a few days ago we have pretty much avoided each for the most part and when we are in the same room together he occasionally makes small talk about meaningless stuff. I don’t know what to do. My heart hurts so bad, I’m tired of crying when all I want is for him to love me back. He’s said some pretty mean and nasty things that normally would be unforgivable, but I am at a loss and I too don’t want our child to suffer because of how hurt I feel and my desire to flee and hide. I don’t want to end my marriage, but I don’t want to be treated like this anymore.
Hi, I’m a person who is not afraid to show how I feel. Lately, my husband and I got into bad arguments where I said things I regret. I asked for his forgiveness but he’s really hurt. He stopped showing affecttion towards me aBout a month ago or maybe even before I just didn’t see it prior to our arguments. He claims he tried to work things out with me but I was either tired or stressed that I wouldn’t notice., but he never actually talked to me. He never told how he was truly feeling, until last night that I confronted him. . He confessed to me, that because of my actions he stopped loving me? I bursted into tears… He says he will always love me but not the same way. I am devastated. He doesn’t want to end the relationship but it seems more he doesn’t know what to do. I even asked if he wants to work things out and he just said I don’t know. I truly love him. It was never my intention to hurt or lose him.
My husband was texting a girl je works with 6 yrs ago, I found out & was devastated, she is 16 yrs younger than him. It was very hard for me cause the txt contained something that him & I share together jokingly & it just really hurt me, he assured me she was very young & it was just a friend & it’d never happen again, I got over it. Well we have been through alot together alot of stress, we are raising our grandson who was born addicted, he broke his leg badly 3 yrs ago & couldn’t work for a yr, alot happened but we got through it all. Alot of stress though, last summer was very hard our grandson hard surgery on his skull due to a defect from the drugs and I was very hard to live with. I found out 3 months after he had been txting the same girl once again, all hrs of the day & night & it wss very hard on me, it said it was my fault for not being there for him, he thought our marriage was over & he was even discussing and marriage being over with her, he admitted he was wrong, I hadn’t slept in the same bed with him in months, I immediately went back to bed with him & tried everything to get our relationship back again, he changed his number & blocked her, I wax doing ok but 8 months later she tried calling his phone , I would look through his phone & after all this I even contacted someone he works with to see of she works there much cause he told me she barely ever did, now things are horrible and he blames be for doing all that and says I made his work an awful place to be. I do trust him, he’s always home when not at work but I took something away from him & he won’t forgive me. He was a very sweet and affectionate man and now he says at times he can’t stand to be around me, he did want to leave me, but he’s still here. I am so lost and lonely without his love, I dint know what to do anymore all I want is for my husband back and my marriage to work. I love him so much. I done alot of things wrong and I have said I’m sorry over and over but he says he has to work through this in his own. Should we go to counseling. He did want to then he didnt. One day he’s ok the. The next he’s not, I’m so lost without him anymore.
It sounds like counseling would definitely be helpful. If he doesn’t want to go, YOU find someone just for YOU. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay
Hello,
Today i fell like I’m in a place where I really don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. I have two young adult children prior to marriage, from previous relations. When we meet back in 2012, my husband was great! He reached out to my children, family, and friends. He always told me “I found what I was looking for”. I was very reluctant at first to commit to anything serious, but he worked so hard to win my love. We married in 2014. We did not live together prior to marriage. After we married, we moved in together and it all seem great a first. Then he started complaining about my kids being to old to be at home. Alot of things began to take place after that. It became an emotional roller coaster! We counsel once with my pastor and his pastor. About our family problems. Our sessions seem to have help tremendously. We started back praying together like we use to do. But, something happen. My husband and I was constantly arguing, making up, not speaking, all in love….the roller coaster had begun again; except this time we didnt go to counseling. The ups and downs has taken a toll on our relationship. I feel lonely even with him laying next to me. I feel like he doesnt have that spark in his eyes when he sees me. I often have to pull compliments from him. He just isnt that nice gentle concern guy i fell in love with anymore. He says I complain too much, but I only do what I know to do when something is bothering me… talk it out. I finally asked him the other night…was it someone else? He said no. I asked him to please tell me the truth because I know something is wrong because he doesnt treat me the way he use to and we are not like we use to be. He finally admitted…”I just dont want to be married anymore”, ” I need my space”. He moved somethings is the guest room and has been sleeping there ever since. My heart hurts so bad. I love my husband, even through our tuff uncomfortable time. I just dont know what to do at this point.
I feel your pain all too well. Almost identical. My husband has done the moving into the spare room 3 time prior to the baby. Now he just ends up on the couch if we are in the same bed too long. Before the baby he threatened me with a divorce, now that the baby is here the tone is that if I can’t handle the way it is then I can leave. He used to be protective over me and very affectionate, now it doesn’t exist at all. He used to be thankful that God brought me into his life because I was the only person that was there for him and that I have never given up on him. He too has made comments that he needs his space and every few months when my feelings surface and I want to talk about it or make attempts for some affection he says that I’m trying to force it and it only pushes him further away. This has been going on like this for over 2 years. I too have two older children from previous marriage and my daughter hates him, my son tolerates him and tries to do what’s expected of him since he is still in high school and living at home. Are we foolish women who love so much that we are vulnerable to men who degrade women? I wish I could give you two cents worth of advice, but I too don’t know what to do. I just hope by sharing my story you see your not alone in how you feel even though we both feel more and more alone with each passing day. All we can do is put it in God’s hands and pray for each other. You are in my prayers.
Hey Christina, Here are some ideas for more things you can do in a situation like this. First of all, find a therapist FOR YOU who can help you process your emotions in healthy ways, and create appropriate boundaries. Second, you might want to check into Bloom, an online resource for women which provides support, classes, and self-care suggestions. Third, read up on boundaries, here and here. Your life is a gift to you from God, and its stewardship is your own. You are not required to be a victim of the bad choices of others, even your husband! Whatever your husband chooses, you can always choose to be healthy for you. Peace to you, Kay
My husband and I have been living long distance for the past 4 years. We basically could not agree on where to live together but we are still married. I assumed he was just saving up until he can join me and our son.
Last June, he messaged me on facebook telling me that he has ended our marriage. I suspect that it was due to an affair but he never confirmed it.
Last week, I made a surprise visit to him and I found out that his mistress is already living with him. It confirmed all my suspicions. The betrayal hurts so much and I feel so bad for our son because he never experienced having a father. For the past 4 months, I have been asking him to work things out but when I confirmed the affair, I told him that it is his decision if he wants to divorce me. I just cannot beg or force him to choose me. I know that won’t work.
Right now, he is still living with his mistress and has not informed me that he wanted to work things out. I feel that he has alredy chosen to be with his mistress than to be with me and his son. His mistress is separated from her husband and her 2 kids are not living with her. I still cannot comprehend why he will choose to be with this woman.
Aside from his infidelity, I feel that we could never settle our issues because he does not want to compromise. Unless we agree on where to live together, we can never fix our marriage. I don’t know if I should still hang on to this marriage. I have been constantly praying and have said over and over that I am surrendering my marriage and my spouse to God. I keep praying for my husband to be saved and transformed by God so that he will realize his sins and come back to us.
But I am just really tired. Every time I hear from my husband, I keep hoping that he will change his mind and choose me. But he hasn’t. I have been rejected too many times, I have lost count. I don’t know what to do. I just want to give up.
Hi Joy,
I’m so sorry to hear the pain you’ve been suffering in your marriage.
To me it sounds like your husband has already made his decision. That’s a very painful, difficult reality. I would suggest that you find support for yourself as you work out what needs to happen from here. Find a counselor who can help you process emotions, along with a support group. You might also appreciate the online resource, Bloom.
No matter what your husband has chosen, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you, Kay
Thank you so much for this article. My husband has been a porn addict for over 40 years; we’ve been married for 38 years. I found his addiction within months of our marriage; over the last 4 decades his addiction has destroyed me more times than I can count. The last two years have been the most difficult by far; his denial and aggression have grown exponentially in that time.
I finally got the courage to talk to our pastor recently; we both sat in front of him and my husband lied about almost everything. He claims that he was delivered from pornography “3 or 4 years ago” and that he deleted all of the porn he has accumulated in external hard drives, flash drives, sim cards and any other storage mechanism he can get. In truth he moves it around like some sort of “3 card monty” game. Now you see it, now you don’t. He literally denies it even when shown his download records, etc. One flash drive alone contained over a quarter of a million images, live sex chat archives, and God only knows what else. The pastor could hardly be helpful in a situation where he knows one of us is lying but he can’t know for sure which one of us it is (because for now the porn is hidden away safely).
In short, I have prayed constantly about how I am to continue living in this situation. I have been asking God how I can continue to love this man. I have absolutely no trust or faith in him but I want to love him and this article reminded me how. I have serious issues with the fact that he has no favorable or romantic thoughts about me. He tells me that he just doesn’t have the ability to communicate those kinds of thoughts. That, too is a lie; years ago I found some erotic poetry he wrote about a co-worker; he is also fond of live sex chatting so it would seem that he is quite verbose when he wants to be. I asked God how I was supposed to love him; when I brought up this article the words hit me like lightning – LOVE IS NOT SELF-SEEKING. I realize that that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been moping around waiting for him to love me the way I want him to love me and not only is that not going to happen, I shouldn’t be looking for it either.
Today, through this article, God reminded me about myself. I told Him I was sick and tired of dealing with this sin of my husbands, and in His mercy He took the time to show me that I’ve been idolizing my spouse/marriage and not Him. He showed me the plank in my eye, so to speak.
As of today I am plugging my power cord in to my Lord and Savior so that His love may flow through me to my husband.
Hi Lynn. What an absolutely heart-breaking story. I’m so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered.
I want to encourage you to find a counselor just for YOU, who can help you process through all this pain and to create healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries that you may find helpful.
Many, many women in relationships like this will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD, and most receive almost no help at all. I’m hoping you’ll break the trend, get a counselor, and accept all the healing and wholeness God has for you. Your husband may refuse to be healed. Your husband may refuse to be whole. But you don’t have to!
Peace to you, Kay
Hello,
My story is all to common. My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married about half of the time. As with all relationships, it was exciting and felt so good to be loved by someone who saw you perfect in their eyes.
We’ve been through the normal hard times many couples face, finical problems, raising 3 children who are as children are, simply amazing but at times very difficult. We both have past filled with heart ache, but through each other found comfort that took that away.
We did well managing our external problems very well until she became pregnant with our last child. The pressures slowly crept in. I define myself first and foremost as a family man, completely and whole heartiedly dedicated to my wife and children. Above everything, my family is my life.
With money issues progressively getting worse, my wife’s hormones due to birth control drastically decreasing her desire for me, issues with and with our home, work stress, everything broke me down and I felt as a failure to my family.
Months ago, my wife started to pull away from me. Pressures increased by my desire for happiness in the ones I love only pushed her farther away. One night she couldn’t take it anymore and took off for a girls night without a word. Now I know I should be open to the idea of such things, but with everything that had been happening, it was more then I could bare. I took some antidepressants that night before she completely cut contact with me, but as soon as she did, the antidepressants took me to a very low place I don’t want to be in again. When she finally arrived home in the morning, we fought and she said it was over. I talked her our of it and I called into work and we sought counseling later that morning.
By the end of the day, we had felt better and over the next period of time, things did perceive to be better. Money issues crept back in and my wife took a job as a waitress in restraint where girls were the attraction against my will and pleads for months to not. But she had expressed the feeling of me oppressing her decisions, so I finally agreed in hopes that it would show her that I do support her.
The next three months progressively got worse. The agreements we made to do with the job were all cast aside and I felt I just had to deal. I would work my 10 hour days, come home and take care of the kids and house until work released her for the night. Half the time I was so miserable, I couldn’t help but to share my misery with my wife, but I didn’t really want her to suffer, just express my feelings on the situation. She grew to resent me because of my insecurities and desire to be loved and cherished as I once was.
I went through a stage of great depression through this. I didn’t feel important enough for my wife to choose first, and I didn’t make enough to pay for all the bills to really allow her to quit. I searched for jobs. I’m highly educated but with no degree and only having professional experience in retail in a small town, my options were severely limited. After about a month of discouragement, I found hopes for a new job, and after about a month was hired.
During my hiring process, which last several weeks between test and interviews, my wife was away for two weeks in California visiting her great grandmother before she passed and after she passed for the funeral and moving her grandmother back to where we live. The two weeks were very hard as I was working full-time, taking care of the kids and home while trying to land this job. Before she returned, I received my offer and it was finally enough to take care of things. She returned and the idea of things getting better returned. She quit her job and that stress was no longer issue.
My training process required out of state trips to be made, two weeks at a time, with a week in between to perform on-site training. My family came with me the first week and second to final week, but two kids in a hotel room was too much to do the full six weeks. While I understood the need to be back home for room for the kids, the separation from my family took a huge toll on me. Everytime I returned, it seemed my wife was more interested with her phone and social media then me. Again, I made myself less desirable by communicating my feelings and things have been spiraling downwards again.
The past week I’ve tried to focus on fatherhood and being the best I can be around the house, hoping that maybe letting her do her things on her phone and not complaining about anything would relieve some pressure. That maybe not fighting about things could make a difference. Instead what really happened is she stopped trying. Her words, not my own. Ive battled through stresses of a new job, requiring 12-14 hours a day and feeling ignored by wife through the week, but I wanted the weekend to be different. I’ve been having terrible dreams that wake me in the middle of the night, so I’m staying up later to avoid them.
I sought out for affection from my wife. Or her opening up about her feelings. Well tonight before our date out, I finally got her to open up, and kinda wished I hadn’t. She proclaimed that she still loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Have I not done enough? I compliment her. I tell her just how much she means to me. I do everything I can for her, but it just isn’t enough. I don’t do drugs, cheat, abuse her physically and not intentionally emotionally, but I’m sure I’m messing up there in some way with all my needs of comfort. I don’t mean to come off as a this for that, nor discredit all the things she does do, but I just don’t feel it and now I guess I know why.
I guess I’m just at a complete loss right now. She wants to split up, but not move away and finicially we can’t afford that anyways. I’m up and down with my emotions right now. One minute I’m confident because she hasn’t fully given up or wants to, but the next I’m devastated the person I’m so madly in love with just doesn’t feel the same. I’ve read as many articles time and time again. I know many steps I need to take, but at the same time I feel so hopeless and depressed that I will just never be enough. Whatever I have done is done, and she can’t forgive and get past it all.
We’ve tried church. At times, it really did help. When my wife got her last job, she decided it wasn’t the path she wanted to take st the time and wanted to distance ourselves. She is baptized in the LDS Church and I fell in love with their family values and beliefs of sealing family members together for eternity. That was a goal for us, but as neither of us could quit smoking, it was a very tough obstacle to overcome. She recently quit smoking and while I felt I was getting closer to quitting, the current events have made me pick it up more heavily again.
I’ve turned to the Bible and teachings so many times, but I feel inadequate in His eyes for not being able to stop smoking and my many other sins. I’ve prayed for strength. I’ve prayed for my wife. I know this is a test, and I cannot understand His plan right now, but I feel so unworthy of His love, and my wife’s, I’m just lost right now. I know I am beyond blessed and don’t want to take anything for granted He has given me, but I feel hopeless. I want to save this marriage. I want to be a better man. I want to live a full life and share it with my family. I want my wife to love me again. I want to lead my family physically, mentally and spiritually down the right path. I’m just having a really hard time right now, because it feels like my partner has abandoned me, and I feel powerless.
Advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and God bless you all.
Hello TJ, it sounds like there is just so much going on right now. A lot of heavy, heavy burdens, and I’m so sorry for that. The ups and downs of life can feel overwhelming. Do you have any other Godly, wise outlets for you? Someone you can talk to for advice and just to listen? Also, have you tried any medication to help with some of the emotional swings that you are dealing with? It’s just not possible to handle everything alone sometimes, especially if your spouse is not supporting you at the moment. Put full faith and trust in the mighty hands of God, “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)
God IS for you, TJ! Nothing is impossible through Him.
Peace, Chris
Thanks for your words Chris.
I have my hobbies, but I haven’t been able to focus them, or manage my time. I work usually 13 hours a day on average, by the time I get home, I play with the kids, make dinner, some house work, and try to spend a couple of nights trying to reach my wife. I know I should probably just spend that time working on myself, but I’m always distracted wanting to do the things my wife and I used to. I also don’t want it to seem as if I’ve given up doing everything I can to save this my marriage. I know many would agree it’s very counter-productive, and yielding the opposite effect I desire, but when I don’t try, she doesn’t seem to even care and we become roommates which upsets me just as much as rejection for my efforts.
I tried medications the one time, but they gave me suicidal thoughts and thought everyone had abonddended me, including god. No matter how hard I prayed, the emotions would not stop coming over me. So I’m slightly against medications but I know at this point I need to try. However, our insurance went unpaid so it is canceled so it is also an expense I really can’t afford, although I know I probably should. Time with work is also an aspect. With my job, there is no personal days for the first year, so that also makes it a challenge. I’ve looked into a place nearby, but they’ve canceled my appointments twice, so its been a pain there. I’ll keep looking into it, as I know it’s necessary at this point.
I’ve spoken about this to a few people, it’s usually the same things. Shes having an affair. Stop trying so much. Focus on yourself. I honestly don’t believe she is having an affair, but at the same time, it feels like it has in the past, and I was right then, multiple times. Stop trying and focus on myself sounds easy enough, but in my reality I surrendered myself to her a long time ago. I gave up my strengths and weaknesses and let her become my strengths, and motivation to work on my weaknesses. I truly bonded to her which is why I’m so lost right now.
I’m at that point now where I guess I am in denial. Because I still love her, I just can’t believe she isnt in love with me. It makes it slightly easier and more complicated at the same time when she says she still loves me, just wants to separate for the time. When she complains I don’t let her go out, even though I’m not against the non party scene without me, I just feel like really, that’s what she wants to do right now. Maybe that’s not fair, but it’s just how I feel.
Today I started to get more anger mixed in with my emotions. Resentment for her giving up, if only temporarily. Angry at myself for letting it come to this. Angry I ever letting myself be able to come to this. I don’t like feelings these things, and I know how incredibly wrong they are, but I just can’t help it. I’ve always done everything I could to make her happy, and angry I’ve failed so bad. It’s a circle of emotions I can’t help break free of.
I talked to her today and asked for her to never give up and keep on fighting. Told her I was scared of hating her and myself more because of the direction things are moving. She has a different perspective on how things will end up, for me, I’ve been here before and both times I ended up the fool while they moved on to new guys, playing me the whole time. She left to think and get away from the kids for a bit, but I’m doubtful she will change her mind.
I’m praying for some help to find some strength and my wife to remember everything we’ve been through. That she can find some peace and understand that I’m not here to rule her or hold her back, but to be by her side as she makes this journey through life. And for my youngest two, so they dont have to go through what my oldest had to between his mother and I. Here’s to hoping for better news.
Do not take medication or put your trust in counseling. Walk into the catholic church. They have daily mass, which means church services everyday. I found so much strength from daily mass. I would attend church feeling like giving up, and I would leave with so much peace. It took me a year to overcome my depression. Medications and counseling made me feel worse and even more stressed. Overtime, prayer brought so much peace. I appreciate the catholic church because they have daily mass, and being near jesus in the form of body and blood helped my husband and I. We also took advantage of confession. The catholic church has weekly confession. Its anonymous, but totally beneficial in getting rid of guilt and starting a new. Jesus says “blessed are the pure of heart for they will see God. ” If we want to see God, we must try to get rid of the things getting in the way through confession (having a pure consience) and going to church. People in the bible got healing by seeking our lord. We have to go to him, and he is present in the body blood as well as transfigured in those who are open to the holy spirit. We must go to church as often as possible for that healing.
Out of the blue my husband of 12 years told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. He’s says he loves me like his best friend and is still attracted to me but doesn’t love me. He said nothing is wrong with me and he isn’t going through anything and is not cheating on me. It’s been months and he doesn’t do anything to comfort me. He is still in the house, but continues to be adamant that he doesn’t love me. It’s torturing me because he won’t give me a reason that his love strayed or make any effort to find his love again. I am trying to rely on God’s love for me. It is so hard to live without love from the person I trusted with my heart most. I feel helpless, betrayed, alone, and worthless.
I am so, so sorry. What a painful thing to endure in your marriage.
I’m not quite sure what your husband means by these words, to be honest! As a counselor, I know that deep friendship is actually the best basis for a successful relationship, so if you have “best friends” and “still attracted”–I’m not sure how that adds up to “I don’t love you.” It sounds to me like there may be more to the story.
Meanwhile, I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through your emotions about this. You might also appreciate the website Bloom, where there are forums and resources for women dealing with marriage betrayal. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy for you. Find support, find help. You are a person of great value and worth. Let your choices reflect that today.
Peace to you, Kay
Omg same here! I just found out last month that my husband have never truly been in love with me, we have been married two years. He say he love me but not in love with me, he said it’s not me and I’ve done nothing. He states he feel we rushed things, he married me because he wanted to step up to the plate and be a man because he got me pregnant. This whole time he have made me feel like he was in love with me but here recently he started being more distant sometimes, he say he was in and out of “love” with me. I have been confused and just started asking questions why he seem there one minute and then distant the next, and he finally told me and said he has been having this feeling and haven’t been real with his self. He tells me he his sorry and never wanted to hurt m and he wants to try to keep our marriage and requested marriage counseling and we have been praying together almost every night. He states he is not in love with no one else and maybe he just need to find himself, and says it’s just him. We’re doing counseling with our pastor but things are still the same with him, I know things are not going to change over night, but I still feel not loved and not wanted. He say he haven’t cheated. I’m just so lost, hurt, and confused. I love my husband to death, crazy about him, in love with him, but things are getting hard, I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
Hey there. Let me point you to the very best marriage research out there: John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If he wants to stay in the marriage, if he wants it to be successful, Gottman’s research is the way to make it work! There are also Gottman certifed marriage counselors out there: you can search here for someone in your area. No offense to your pastor, but most pastors really aren’t trained to be marriage counselors. So, you might want to look for someone who’s really trained and experienced in the best. Peace to you, Kay
Hi Amanda,
I’m going through the same issue with my husband. Our story is very similar. After 23 years together, 19 years of marriage & 2 young girls, he told me he’s no longer want to work on the marriage. I’m in limbo, he’s only here for the kids.
Hi Amanda,
I’ve been married for 6 years and I am in the same exact situation. My husband says he no longer loves me. He says its nothing I’ve down, but he just doesn’t love me anymore. We were both christians when we got married but two years into our marriage he walked away from his faith. I’m incredibly hurt, but also feeling like God is giving me a glimpse of what He experiences with us daily… loving us while we continually turn our hearts away from Him. I’m learning that my husband will never be able to love me again, unless he’s finds his love in Christ first. And I am one of the few people left in his life that can walk Christ out before him. It is the worst feeling to love someone who refuses to love you back, but as long as my husband decides to remain in this marriage I am determined to love him and be a light in his life. I haven’t been the perfect wife in our marriage, but now is my chance to step up to the challenge and this great and difficult calling and love him like Christ.
I hope that encourages you. You are not alone.
That’s all good, but if God wanted to be our only source of love, He wouldn’t have said of Adam “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for Him.” The five love languages are designed to help us (not necessarily our spouse) learn to love them like they’re designed to receive it. It’s even commanded for the man to love the woman like Christ loves the church, and laid down His life for her.
Right?! And God created us to be in communion with Him and one another and to love one another. But in the midst of hardships in marriage, Christ wants us to solely depend on His love for us, it’s the only hope that I have personally. Though hard, I have to praise Him constantly, knowing his promise of His plans to prosper us and to never let go. The pain that I feel is unbearable some moments, but then He brings me back to His arms…you see…Christ is dependable for that and my soon to be “human” ex husband is not. Tomorrow is our 12 year anniversary of when we promised God and our friends that we’d stay married until death parts us. My heart breaks more for Christ then for my husband and I…I know that God’s heart is broken too. No infidelity, no abuse, not my choice, it’s such a shame. Jesus keeps me busy and reminds me He is enough. Thank you for this blog, it affirms what God keeps telling me. I’m not sure how anyone could handle this with out knowing Christ.
hi Eric….
i totally get your theological point…but that is a real but different one…….. i think the point being made is a spiritual one..that if we put God’s love before all other…his love will transcend all of our emotional needs; that if both spouses use God’s love as the pillar of the union….then all good things envelop our spirits and thus we are unlikely to fall from marriage grace. Not doing so would be like expecting our spouses love to be suffice or even greater than God’s. the two cannot be equal….. and God’s love being the one that sustains us through everything in life. trust me….as someone who is also suffering a painful situation….it was a very difficult lesson to capture but also my saving grace.
Hope this is helpful. God bless.
Hello. My husband left me for another woman and came back for a few days. I caught him again after him promising to cut all ties. I forgave him and he left. He calls me and tries to give me hope then days that he doesn’t want to leave this woman but then tries to tell me that there is hope again. I’m torn as I’ve always been loyal and a good wife. He tears me like u did something wrong. He’s rude to me and Cocky; I’m so full of dispair. We got married in church (Catholic). I’m lost and don’t know what to do. I want him back to work in our covenant with God. He knows the meaning of the sacrament of marriage yet he does not care and told me that he’s ok if he has to go to hell for this.
I am so, so sorry. It sounds to me like your husband has made his choice, unfortunately. He has broken the covenant of marriage, and it sounds like he doesn’t want to work to restore it. In every church that I know of, that is grounds for divorce with no fault on your side.
That is so sad, and yet it appears to be the reality at this time.
I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process thorugh this terrible grief. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose recovery and health for yourself.
Peace to you, Kay