A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
Hi,
I’m so blessed to have read this. I feel that my relationship with my husband is shrinking and I can’t do anything about it. His coldness plus given that he works from another city really tears me. It turned me into a bitter person. He used to be sweet and communication was really awesome. But after our baby came and then was assigned to work in another city, I felt the connection and affection become lesser and lesser everyday. I also found out he has creaed accounts with different dating sites and chatted with different girls. It tore me apar, I was devastated, that I even pushed him away and he doesn’t want to but I don’t see him changing even after that. After reading this, I realized that I was ideolizing my husband that I forgot to put God as the center of our marriage, my happiness depended on him. In order for me to bring back my relationship with my husband, I should first bring back God in my life, giving Him the full control of my marriage. I look forward to reading much more of this. Thank you so much and God bless you…
Hi Elie. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. As you think about how to go forward, I’d encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process emotions and also help you put healthy boundaries in place. Here and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful. Peace to you, Kay
I am in a similar suitation and your comment has just hit the nail on the head for me !!! Thank you
Am too have similar situation, I dont really feel that my wife love me so much, what i feel is that she just married me for companion and security reasons. I really feel the hunger for spouse love. I am angry with myself, Im stressed and incomplete.. I am praying that God will give me strenght always because if not , I want to surrender.. I really need somebody to talk to about this, sometime i fee like im getting crazy. I feel cheated ..i dont know.. I open this problem to our pastor but I am not satisfied yet with their advised.. its so painful
Hi Robert, I’m so sorry you are in this spot. The hunger for that kind of intimacy with a spouse is very, very real. Have you tried asking God a question like this, “what truth about me, my spouse, or others are you trying to show me from this struggle?”
Finding a Gospel-centered, brother who you can continue to talk, openly and honestly is critical. I do hope you can find that if your pastor is not providing that kind of support.
Peace, Chris (Covenant Eyes)
Yea, I think most of us feel cheated with our spouses. My husband…cheated on me, mentally abuse, and says its not a bad to watch youtube with big boobs. He refuses to divorce me because he says we need to stay for our girls. I do not love him anymore…love is gone! He is only staying with me because of security too…we both have equal pay!! I’m so lost…ready to live my life without him!
Hi Robert,
I feel you pain. My husband & Ive been together for 23 years married 19 years. We had a fight in Jan of this year just like any other previous argument, but this time after a month of being so distance, I recommend counseling so he agreed to go but he suggested to do it individually for the 1st session, so I went 1st then he went. After the 2nd week both of us went together, the 1st 10 minutes into our session, he had the counselor told me the marriage is over. He said he does not love me anymore and here we are 3 months later and his story stay the same. My whole life has been upside down and I would have leave him but I can’t. We have 2 girls together 7 & 8 years old. Both of us love our girls deeply and has agreed to Co-exist. I’m trying to do this daily and by the hour. Its so painful. One good thing come out of this is that it brought me closer to GOD! I attend mass daily and the Lord is my strength. I find myself crying daily and waking up or not sleeping well since then.
Please pray for me – I’ve been in a loveless marriage 11 years (on his side), I still love him and just realized there’s been zero love on his side since we married. I am sad that it seems he never truly married me in his heart and only did so out of fear & duty (getting me pregnant before marriage). We have 2 kids & debt & lots to deal with but it seems there’s no hope as we were never really married. Please pray for healing including my jealousy when he’s around women (I never felt loved in that special way & knew he did not want me – he had another woman in his heart many years and God would not take that nor give him love for me. Nonetheless it’s been toxic to us both. Thanks for prayer!
I’m so sorry. What a painful experience to have in your marriage. I hope you’re finding help to process through this and consider healthy boundaries for yourself. A counselor could be a great help, and a group if you can find one in your area. Whatever happens in your marriage, choose health for you! Peace, Kay
Hi, we are in the same situation. But let us not turn ourselves to becoming bitter. As what this article says, we should plug into the power source and that is God Himself. Allow Him to take control of our marriage everyday. God bless and will be praying for you too.
Elie
I think it would be pretty great! Self-love is such an important habit to cultivate. It’s the old airplane oxygen mask thing – you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and bring your best self to the world. And food gives us such a wonderful opportunity to practice self-love multiple times every day. When we choose healthy, nourishing foods that really feed us, we show up for ourselves and act from a place of love.
Sorry for the errors in my original post, it only reflect the state of my mind. I got married last December; shortly before the wedding day i noticed my wife started acting cold, we nonetheless got married; now its been three months of coldness and lack of love. My wife can barely look at me,. I continue to treat her just the same way, but i feel constantly rejected by her, in three month my wife has never said she loves me. She is closer to her family than myself, i have called her to this but she responds saying that who she is. I love her so much, wouldn’t want to divorce her; i think she is just with me out of convenience, i dont ve a soul mate and i m extremely lonely in the marriage. This has dented my self image; i dont feel like a man should.
Paul, it sounds like you need to find a counselor and work through these issues. Don’t compound the pain in your relationship by using porn–it’s a momentary fix that ultimately makes the situation worse. You haven’t solved the original problem and you’ve taught yourself to deal with pain in a temporary way. There are counselor directories at The American Association of Christian Counselors and at Psychology Today. Whatever is going on with your wife, get some help and make healthy choices for yourself. Blessings, Kay
Hello, I just found out my husband has been looking for women online. He posted his profile as a single divorce man on the match.com website. He did have affair with two of the women he found on this site. He is not ashamed for what he did. I’m willing to work on our marriage and forgive him with God’s help, but it’s very discouraging when my partner doesn’t want to change. I don’t know how to get pass this because I want to give up. I don’t know how feel towards him now. Any advice. Thank you
Hi Norma. What a painful, difficult place to be in. I am so, so sorry.
I would say this. Find yourself a good, safe counselor who can help you process all the emotions you must be feeling, someone who can help you decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you going forward. This is not a marriage counselor, but rather a personal counselor who is there specifically to help YOU. You would probably also benefit from a group like S Anon, which helps family members cope with the consequences of sexual addiction.
Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. And here’s a link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundaries they chose during recovery.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy. Find support and create healthy boundaries. Blessings, Kay
Leave him
We were on urge of divorce coz i caught my husband flirting around on social networking. I was hurt becoz to every gal he flirted said that he wil leave me to be with her. I lost my baby becoz of this situation but i couldn’t leave him coz i still love him but now its been 1 month since all this happened and now he keeps blaming me for his infidelity.I jjust keep showing him more love but see only hate in his eyes… don’t know what to do… just depending on promise that LOVE NEVER FAILS
I’m so, so sorry for all the pain you must be feeling right now. How devastating to suffer a miscarriage in the midst of the emotional upheaval in your marriage. And then to have your husband blame you for the choices he has made–I’m so sorry. You are NOT to blame for his choices. He made those choices, not you. He is responsible for his choices, not you.
It’s true that Love never fails, but that is God’s love for us. Many times human love does fail. And when that happens, the person who has failed in love need to recognize their failure, take responsibility for their own choices, and work on changing their failure back into an expression of real love instead of self indulgence.
Your love might need to make tough choices for good boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles that talk about what boundaries might look like in a situation like yours. In our free download, Hope After Porn, several women talk about their healthy boundaries in recovery.
Most of all, it sounds to me like you need support right now for all the grief you must be experiencing. A personal counselor could be a big help. Or a group like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or even Al Anon. xxxChurch has online support groups. And you can google support groups to find more resources in your area.
Prayers for you today. Kay
My husband and I have a unique story. We have had a very difficult marriage almost the entire 10 years we have been married. In a nutshell, there has been infidelity on both parts. I had an affair one time and he had multiple affairs, one resulted in a child being born. My affair was one night. One of our biggest problems is my husband doesnt believe that is one night and for the past 6 years has thrown countless baseless accusations at me about other affairs that i havent had, that he swears i have had (there’s NO convincing that i havent) and has made me out to be every slut there is. He discounts all the affairs i have caught him in and makes excuses for them. He hasnt worked in 5.5 yrs, we have 4 children, i support everyone. He tells me he has no conscious, he says the meanest and nastiest things to me, tells me he doesnt care if i cry, and that nothing i say means anything to him. I am COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY lost. I have NEVER reached out online to anyone. Our entire story would take too long to explain. He has just told me he doesnt care about this marriage anymore, which i guess i knew deep down inside, but hearing has just crushed me. Even though things have been really bad for as long as i can remember. Marriage books havent worked. We tried counseling 1 time, 6 years ago when i discovered he was having a child with his mistress. He never wanted to go back b/c after we both shared our story, he thought the counselor was “picking my side”. He refuses to go back unless “there is a man and woman counselor who are complete strangers in the same room counseling us”. I need help. I need guidance. I feel like i was led here to this article. I just bought the book that Jaydee Smith mentioned above. Pastor Filipiak, do you have ANY words for me? Am i crazy for still being in this marriage? I feel like i am living a nightmare. I dont want to make myself seem blameless, i am not. But what do you do when you are accused of having multiple affairs, when you havent, and your spouse has made up in their head that you have all while they have had PROVEN multiple affairs, had an outside child, are verbally and mentally abusive, lazy and wont work to help support your family for the last 6 years. God help me.
Hey there. It sounds to me like it’s time to step back and think about what healthy boundaries would look like for you in this relationship. Ella has written about this recently as well, here.
You can only be responsible for yourself, and so I encourage you to think about what that would look like. Here are some ideas you could consider.
Find a counselor just for you, to help you process your own emotions, consider how you can take responsibility for yourself, and build healthy boundaries, especially in the face of verbal and emotional abuse.
Find a group like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or even Al Anon that will help you process those ideas in the safe company of others.
While you can’t force or manipulate your husband into healthy choices, YOU can make healthy choices for yourself. Get into a process of counseling and group support that will help you move in that direction. There is no magic wand, but there is always healing and hope available when we choose to be healthy, even when others don’t.
Blessings, Kay
Another thing I would like to mention here. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been here 9 years. I have struggled, been depressed, suicidal, angry, but mostly just at a complete loss.
I have tried reading books. I really appreciated this article too. I have been to Reformed Women’s Retreat and listened to great speakers and a lot of wisdom. But the question I could never find an answer to is how do I do this? When do I open up. To who. How.
Turns out, my husband had been addicted to porn our entire marriage, I had no idea. He had an affair. He was on Ashley Maddison. Turns out I was working hard as the foundation was crumbling. I did not know what was going on. All I knew all along was that we needed help. That things weren’t right. But as for how…never got an answer.
I NEED to recommend the following book: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. This book saved my life.
Women and men need to know the information as to when there needs to be help called in. Following book after book and article after article of advice on loving better and more I almost killed myself.
We need these amazing articles and books, but we need an extra chapter or addendum mentioning a few points of when there is more help needed.
Thank you.
Hi Jaydee, I am so glad you were able to find such a life-giving resource. Thank you for sharing it here.
I think you are so right–the advice to “go back” and “keep loving” can be absolutely deadly when there is abuse in the relationship. Too often, we have limited our definitions of abuse to hitting, but in fact verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse within marriage can be just as devastating.
I hope you’ve seen this article of Ella’s recently.
Jesus says in Matthew 18 that when someone refuses to repent, “treat him as a pagan.” There are times to recognize when that person has made their choice to be abusive, and we need to separate ourselves from that choice.
Thank you so much for speaking up to help other women be safe. Kay
Jadee, my heart goes out to you. There’s nothing in this world that’s worth killing yourself. You have been wonderfully made by our Heavenly Father. Remember that always,
knowing that He is always here for His children!! I will keep you in my prayers. May God continue to bless you!
Been married 22years and my husband tells me he not in love with me. For two years he wasn’t happy and that we going to separate and that he was moving out. He told our three kids the youngest started crying it broke my heart.He doesn’t want to work on things. He said it was just over.It was very hard to hear. I am going to counseling and great friends but is still very difficult to live with. I am very lonely and miss him a lot. Even his bad traits.
I’m so sorry, Kim. Sending love to you. Kay
I know that it’s primarily my fault, but I have a spouse that has not loved me for years upon years. I was addicted to porn, and she completely rejected me, and I used it as justification and fuel to continually turn back to porn and act like a jerk. This article is my reality, now. We are on the precipice of divorce and my wife doesn’t really want to invest in our relationship because of years of abuse. I don’t blame her, but it just puts me in a place where I am constantly battling depression and loneliness, trying to piece together God’s love from His word and an ephemeral presence that I don’t really understand. I try to just have faith and believe, and I try to just allow God to change my heart as I seek Him more. I just hope that He will love me in the present, in reality, in a manner that I can quantify and see and know is true. I believe, Lord; please help my unbelief.
I’ll be praying for you Jeremiah. Sink deep into God’s mercy. Know how holy He is; Exodus 19:12-19 & Isaiah 6:1-8 help me with this. Then allow his mercy (giving you what you don’t deserve) to wash over you. Lamentations 3:21-26 is also helpful. Helpful primarily because the rest of Lamentations is such a horrific train wreck and yet in the midst of it Jeremiah still finds peace in God’s undeserved mercy. I will pray for you and for your wife.
I think you may already be doing this since you ended your comment with a prayer, but I just want to encourage you to pray for faith which is a supernatural gift. And God certainly loves you as He wills your every heartbeat. He created everything that is good and beautiful and holds it in being continually. Your cross is a school. His grace is sufficient.
Hi Jeremiah
I am sorry for your hurt. I don’t know if this is any help at all, but have you heard of the Love Dare? It is featured in the movie Fireproof. I just watched it 2 nights ago and it is very similar to what you describe.
I am hurting as you describe your wife. Battling not to reject my husband. When I see what the love dare is all about I wish my husband would do those things. Have that kind of a change of heart.
The book is called The Love Dare bu Stephen and Alex Kendrick. It’s a 40 day journey.
I really believe that it could help you. I wish you strength and pray for you and your wife.
With love.
Know that you are created in God’s image, as His child. He is in form, a man, immortal, and perfect. Picture Him when you pray.
Today I just found out being newly married and 2 months into my marriage after waiting and waiting for God to send me that person, tells me he doesn’t love me and stop loving me a long time ago. I noticed him pushing me away and saw the signs but when I kept asking him if he loved me he would say yes. My mind is racing and I have no idea what to do. I new marriage already broken to pieces. It’s the worse thing to happen to me ever! I’m not upset I am just completely broken. I have no idea what to do, or how to act, I can’t even seem how I am going to live without him if that be the case. Here is the worse thing. I am a good woman of God, a servant. Always have seek God with all my heart. I’m 42 years old never had children, never been married before, waited and waited for someone to be the man that I was asking God for. When I comfort now my spouse about things as a normal married couple it seems to bother him and pushed him further away. I have never told him what to do or how to do it, supported him in everything he needs to do. Try to be a good wife and I provide everything in the home right now financially. Just because I tell him I don’t like something he is upset and falling out of love with me? So every time we have issues in our marriage, because I confront him, he is gonna reject me. This is beyond the grief I felt when my mother died. This is complete brokenness. I have no idea what to do except pray to God for mercy in my life. He is the center and will always be.
Monica, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I hope you’ve got a good support system. It sounds like a counselor, just for you, would be a good idea right now. There’s also an online community at Bloom where you’ll find resources and help–including courses you can take together as a couple. Peace to you, Kay
Monica I am in your shoes, married two weeks, about to be 37 married for the first time.
Hello bro Noah I am going threw hell with my wife, and a part of me want to leave and the other part want hang in there and believe that just one day God will change my wife heart, help please. Ken
I been married 6months my wife hates me I don’t know what Im doing wrong I pay all the bills I cook everyday I clean I don’t mistreat her I provide everything I don’t cheat Im in the house at night She is very verbally and emotionally abusive please somebody tell me what to do or what Im doing wrong
I’m in your wife”s place. My husband watches port instead on being with me. I am at a loss with how to deal with it. He feels it is not an issue. Was there anything you would have responded to when your addiction started?
May God send his Grace Mercy and love to you asap
Hang in there brother
Jesus is Lord!!!
I have been married 16 years. Dated my husband for 4 years. It’s been about a year now…my husband was a christian, had an affair and stopped the affair, said he loves me but not sure if he wants to be married or not…needs to work on himself…that mostly looks like escaping, having a beer with the guys, working, we do a little bit with one another sometimes he pulls close sometimes he pulls away…it has been a heart breaker. I keep trying to spill Gods grace on him and love him unconditionally, pray for him quietly, be there for him/give him space…I keep leaning into the Lord and trusting the Lord to be my husband while mine is not really in the marriage 100% – I have grown so much spiritually but there are days when it still really hurts and I miss being loved by him. I am trusting God knows what is best and will continue to guide me. Very slow progress. Praying he returns to the Lord!
God does love you where your at, he loved you where your were before just not the sin! Let Gods Love and healing turn you into who you were meant to be and put him first and everything else will fall into place. I was you! And now I have been set free and God has restored the broken things! I am praying for you brother.
I’m in the same position as Noah. I’ve been married for 15 years. Struggled with porn on and off throughout my marriage. My wife has given up on me and has told me several times that she only wants to live together platonically for the kids. Either that or she wants to divorce. It’s been a year since she’s said “I love you”. We live together but sleep in separate beds. We get along alright but we have no physical relationship. I’m terrified to bring up our relationship because she says all I want is sex or she launches into a speech about how she isn’t trying anymore and wants a divorce. I’m so anxious and lonely, it’s driving me crazy. I can hardly work and when I’m around her I don’t say much for fear of causing conflict. She likes to hang out with her friends, but I can only rarely get her to go out with me. I don’t want to get divorced, but my heart is broken. My counselor tells me I need to rely on God’s love and not my wife’s. It’s so much easier said than done. Please pray for us.
Thanks for your article, Noah. The hypocrisy in our marriage bothers me. If I say, “I love you” to my wife, I get “I love you” back, but my wife cares nothing for me. She’ll admit that she’s bored with me, bored with being a wife and mom, would rather sit and stare at her phone. I’m called to love/serve her and be satisfied in Christ. But I’m thinking of foregoing things that would get a hypocritical response, like saying “I love you”. Any thoughts?
My husband married me but loved me only as a friend. Now he’s come to voice and accept that fact and I have to deal with a sorry that can’t help the immense pain I feel. He now wants a divorce. While he’s sleeping soundly I can’t sleep. While he’s moving on and looking toward a life without me, I’m stuck betrayed by a vow to love till death do us part. I know God has a great plan in all this and I’m clinging to that for dear life but my heart melts with inconsolable expressions. So hurt, so blessed
I’m getting ready to marry a man who told me when he proposed that he doesn’t love me but has deep respect for me. I really like him. People tell me that real love comes after marriage but I’m so scared he will never love me. I don’t know if I’m making a mistake of a lifetime or if I should take a leap of faith. With a week to go, our relationship is really tense and I’m terrified to be left at the alter. He’s having doubts too but keeps on saying he won’t do that to me and still wants to marry me. I don’t know what to do. I’m sacrificing so much for this marriage, leaving my country and moving across the world for him but now I’m having serious doubts.
Elena, I hope you will trust yourself, and listen to the doubts you are having. If this relationship can grow into something that works for you both, it can do that before you marry. While of course your relationship will change–and hopefully grown–over time, marrying someone and moving across the world when you are not sure of the connection sounds like a dangerous proposition to me. Find a therapist who can help both of you process through what’s going on here, before you make decisions that are hard to unmake. Take some time to sort things through until you are comfortable with your decision. Peace to you, Kay
My wife of 13 years just came to me recently and told me she loves me but she is tired of us. She wants to separate and isnt really communicating with me or trying to work with me to figure out what is wrong. I’m not sure what to do because i love her so much and want to work on us , and she just wants to leave. Some days she says she wants us and most days she says she doesn’t. She has even stopped coming to church with me.
Very good stuff man…I’m in the midst of this storm..good words and confirmation!! Been married 27 years and 6 kids…and trying too hard to win love back…focusing now more than ever on His love, His goodness, His faithfulness…HIM!!
This sounds familiar. The husband has to realize that he has truly broken a woman that loved him with all her heart, & he has alot to undo if it’s not too late. She may have fallen for another man who made her feel wanted or cared about. Cathy W
right now my spouse has his mind set on divorce, I have been praying , seeking for advice, doing my part on cooking and cleaning and continue loving him, but it kills me inside when he acknowledges me as she, her, or by my name. I made a mistake telling him he deserve someone better only because I was hurt from a disagreement and it was to my shock that he said he wants a divorce! It’s been a week now and everyday from that time I begged him for another chance and he tells me NO he doesn’t want arguments anymore, so we are better off apart than together. I cry and pray Day and night, but I don’t show none of it anymore. I really want my marriage to work again but everyday as I kiss him and tell him I love him and cook for him and continue doing my duty as a wife. Everyday as I am playing this role on trying to get him back it kills me inside and I don’t know how much more I can take.
Vika,
I’m so sorry that you’re suffering this pain right now, but it sounds to me like your husband is not doing his part in the relationship. If you have done your best, and he continues to reject your efforts, and makes no attempt to be engaged in the relationship, that’s not your fault. Do what’s healthy and right for you, but do it because it’s healthy and right for you. Find a counselor who can help you process this painful experience. Think about your boundaries: here, here, and here are some articles that can help. Whatever he chooses, you choose to be healthy.
Peace to you,
Kay
My husband doesn’t show me any love and he used to at first im not a nagging wife but since he’s been acting different i can’t tell him anything without him having a bi polar moment. He throws my clothes out side and tells me to leave so now i don’t say anything at all he never says i love you unless i say it first. He puts me down because he says i never listen to him i make him repeat himself. He doesn’t support me emotionally and doesn’t take care of me when I’m sick. I support us financially and when he gets paid now and then he spends his money then asks me to pay his phone. I pay most off the rent where his son lives then asks me to pay more because his son doesn’t have all the rent and he never pays me back. Now he sleeps on the couch. And because he such a jerk i don’t care. But i don’t want to go down this route I’m love my life but I’m not liking my husband and just want to leave and forget about him and move on because i know he won’t care. It’s probably what he’s trying to do make me leave him.
What did i do is this my fault i irritate him no matter how hard i try not to and i try to pay attention to him the moment he speaks but he starts talking when I’m busy concentrating on what I’m doing and i told him get my attention first before you talk to me but he choose to not talk to me instead. So he gets paid some money went out and bought a phone he never shared that with me and didn’t tell me when he went to buy it and we always tell each other where we are going. How did this happen without my knowledge. He told me i didn’t know i had to. That i didn’t tell him when i bought my phone. Yes i did when i got home i told him but he didn’t tell me at all. I don’t know but hes changed. I don’t want to do wash his clothes or cook for him because he doesn’t deserve it but i do it any way. Hes ripping me of my happy life. I want to leave. What would God want me to do.
Hi Mary Lou,
From what you’re describing here, it sounds like your husband is not participating in good faith in the relationship. Given the reality of your situation, what would healthy boundaries look like at this point? Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that may help you think through that question. As far as what God would want you to do? You are not a slave to sin, not anybody’s sin, not even your husband’s. You’re not required to be mistreated. You can make healthy choices for a life that reflects your worth and value as God’s beloved child.
Peace to you,
Kay
Just came across this article after googling how to love a husband who doesn’t love you. I’ve been married now over 35 years and have been emotionally divorced from my husband for probably about 20. He has hurt me deeply over the years with his very critical and judgemental attitude and cruel words and the only way I could cope was by building a huge wall between us and building a separate life. After reading the comments here, I feel almost fortunate because we are not in a divorce situation (he doesn’t want to mess up his retirement). I have learned to do what Noah wrote about in this article: namely that God is my source of joy and my strength. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t hurt me at times and I’ve often thought of leaving him, but always felt the Lord say no. He’s a real Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde; decent one moment and then stabbing one in the heart the next. I’ve prayed about this for years but nothing changed…except me. Just as Noah says, the peace of the Lord is something I walk in and He is my source of joy and meaning. Jesus doesn’t just love me, he LIKES me, and that means so very very much to me! It gives me such strength to overlook the indifference and criticism and putdowns and to walk in joy instead. This article is really really the way to go for those of us in unhappy marriages. Praise you, jesus!!
This is really good
Needed to read this thanks
Hi Noah,
It is one of the powerful guidance which I have ever got. I have an unloving husband but certainly he understand that I love him first hand. Still, he could not accept the love and live happily with me. He don’t even have stuff to speak or laugh with me. I was brutally wounded. That was the time God gave me the promise that he is my husband. Evenafter receiving the promise and revelation, I didn’t find way to change my powerhouse and repeated to getting hurt. Today, God has used you as the tool to guide me through his verses. Thank you so much. I am blissfully happy upon knowing my life and happiness is not from my husband instead it is from the rock eternal. Thank you so much.
I am a wife. I can relate to your story, because what happened in your marriage is busy playing out in mine. This is just how I feel:
After years of porn in my husbands life, blaming me, belittling me, rejecting me, I woke up one day knowing God loves me, He is my first husband, He is my provider, He is my security, He is my first love.
The first thing that came to mind was that- for the first time in 33 years- I realise that I don’t have to go through this crazy cycle anymore. I build walls and boundaries to protect myself . These walls will only come down if God so will.
Stop playing the victim and get Courageous. Take the blame, if you want her back, take all the blame, obey the Lord, strengthen yourself en walk around those walls courageously blowing your trumpet- claim your victory. Take back the promise land- Not The 40 Years in the desert!
For years my husband played the victim, still does, telling councelours “ a man has needs”, neglecting to care for me after surgery, and make me accountable for most things and then judging me, whilst lusting after other women.
You are not the victim, if anyone is the victim of the devastating effects porn has on a family – It is Jesus who has died for Nothing – a senseless suicide/ homocide.
If my husband understood that for us , to succeed in marriage he had to know that God wants Courage and Faith, I would give this marriage my all and more.
The thing is Courage would be the opposite of the fruit of porn. If men get this , it could be The Game Changer.
Stop and ask your wife one question: What was your dream for us?
That is what breaks us women the most- seeing the traces of betrayal over our picket fence dream, out of our control. We try to fix the dream endlessly, until one day we can do no more, we can’t even see our dream anymore- and then we stop seeing you, because 33 years ago my husband was the lead actor in my dream.
That dream is gone, that dream can’t be fix, To be honest I don’t want that dream anymore!
Stop being the victim and start building a new dream.The true beauty of the Gospel is through
“Christ’s Sacrificial Love , He died for our sins so we can have eternal life “
Are you willing to sacrificially die for this sinful marriage, and start building a new dream? Or do you, like my husband want to hang on to the things he wants from the old dream. That dream was an idol – leave it behind and ask her: “ How can I build a New Dream”- and do it , for as long as it takes !!!! Porn addicts take years to break down the first dream, but flee because of the amount of work it is going to take to build a new one.
Then you will not be the victim anymore, but the King, Prophet and Priest of this marriage.
That is exactly what I have been going thru for 13years with my wife and I feel I have lost her forever. Where do I start so I can have my wife and my family back!! Please!
John,
Regaining trust and respect from a spouse will not happen overnight. You will need to show her (and this WILL take time) that you want to change and be held accountable. Covenant Eyes is a great tool to get started. Our accountability software monitors your online and offline device activity and reports it to someone you have chosen to trust. This can be a pastor, friend, relative, spouse…etc.
I would also encourage you to consider couples counseling of some kind. Remember, you want to do everything you can to show her that you love her and want to turn your life around and end your addiction.
Praying for you, friend!
Moriah
AMEN AMEN We all need the encouragement—-right on brothers and sisters in Christ. This is exactlty our role. Try to relax and allow the HOLY SPIRIT to communicate. When in doubt Praise God for what you do have, your hands, your sound mind, your limbs, your ability to survive on your own. These are all praise worthy focuses to allow your mind to rest. God thru the HOLY SPIRIT does the rest. Dont hesitate to spread the faith.
Jeremiah – Are you trying to seek sympathy from us for loving your porn websites more than your wife? I am sure your behavior was incredibly damaging (and I am sure that you are not sharing the whole story either). I am also quite sure that you are STILL watching porn today, which is why I am glad that your wife is leaving you. Your wife deserves love and respect, which you cannot provide. The depression and loneliness you feel are the results of your actions – you made your bed now lie in it AND quit asking the general public for sympathy.
I’m in a similar situation…we are not in the steps of a divorce, we just don’t do anything together, never really talk except for basic life logistics, and haven’t been intimate in 5 years, although that part has been dwindling in the last 10. I’ve become an alcoholic in the process and very depressed. I know Christ should be my inspiration for life and I should feel his presence and love, but I rarely do. I constantly hear the negative nasty words my husband has thrown at me at times when I’ve tried to open up a discussion to try to resolve some pain…and I always regret it because of the verbal bashing I get. I use to be confident and pursuing life with exuberance but now every day is a struggle to get out of bed and a mental fight to not “go purchase” my chemical brain anesthetic again. Before this pandemic I had 2 months straight sobriety…the longest I’ve had in over a decade…thanks mostly to Christian 12 step groups. But for the last 2 months I’ve been drinking almost daily again. I need to get a new battery for my laptop so I can participate in remote meetings privately as besides my husband my 18 and 20 year old are home. I need to take my antidepressant medication and vitamins and force myself to at least walk every day. But I know I mostly need to read God’s Word…but that depresses me too as my heart has been telling me “this doesn’t apply to you.” I know that’s not true, but it feels true. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse & spousal neglect add up to a lethal concoction…if I can get on the other side of this I want to write how they actually happened out and hopefully help someone else. And I don’t want to waste the life God gave me anymore. There are other kinds of love and other people that really care about me and actually think good things about me…unfortunately my husband is just not one of those people.
Noah im sorry you are in this place. The fact that you can take responsibility and own the hurt you had part in is huge and God honors humility. The word says God resists the proud, so be encouraged that a humble heart He will not ignore.
I am unfortunately in the same place but in your wifes position and my husband is not taking the humble approach and its breaking my heart. I pray for a God encounter for you, a collision with and manifestation of Gods never ending love for you this week. God can restore all thats been stolen, cling to him my brother.
This was nothing short of a revelation for me. Of course! When Jesus said we should love each other as He has loved us, he didn’t mean “a lot.” He meant “If someone kills you, do everything you can to help them be happy.” Wow, that is powerful! I prayed for something like this and your article is God’s answer to my prayer. Thank you! God keeps saving my life!
I’m just going to ask for prayers. I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was loyal. We both made mistakes. He decided to move out four days ago. He said he needs a break and some time away from me. He says he loves me as a friend but not in love with me anymore. He says he’s felt this way a couple years now. The last few days I’ve been praying and having a lot of revelations come to me. I never wanted to go camping with him and the kids, I made excuses saying it wasn’t my thing, but all I wanted to do was be alone and get high. Marijuana. I got to the point where that’s all I wanted to do. There’s more history involved here. 12 years ago he had a two month affair. We went to therapy and we got over it. Or so I thought. I told no one and I tried to deal with it by myself and I didn’t pray at that time. Life just went on, children, sports, homework, life. I also have MS. At first I used marijuana because I wanted to stay all natural, not take medications. But what ended up happening is I made at the center of my life. I literally just realized this two days ago. He’s not perfect, but I did help push him away. I had a very short temper as well and I got very lazy and I never followed through anything. Example; working out. I lost myself after dedicating my life to being a stay at home mom and my family. I did everything for my family. And as my daughters grew, I withdrew from life. All I want to do is watch TV and sit on the couch, at least that’s my revelation right now. I’m owning it and that’s new for me. I’ve been praying like you wouldn’t believe, and I believe God‘s giving me these revelations. At first I just wanted to say dismiss this is a midlife crisis on his part, but I’m seeing the big picture. I’m not saying it’s all my fault, but I am saying that I can see why he would be unhappy. Of course I can go on and on, but I’ll stop it’s already long enough. I was just like pray that I could find myself. I truly lost myself. Pray that I could get a closer relationship with God and that he will bring us back together. I know that there’s no guarantees. But I also know that Satan is telling my husband a lie right now. He’s telling him that he would be happier without me. Satan is lying to him by telling him that he’s not in love with me. And he’s believing it. This is spiritual warfare. This is a battle and I need prayers for him to not believe those lies. And to be open and to turn to God during this time. I need to find myself, and he needs to find his happiness as well. And we made a covenant, and I want it to last. Sorry I’m rambling
. Thank you for all your prayers anybody who’s reading this.
Hi Janie,
Wow, that is a LOT of heartbreak, trauma, and pain. I hope you’ve got a support system in place that might help you process all that’s going on. I hope you’ve got a good medical team that can help you get on top of the MS symptoms in the healthiest way possible. As far as processing the emotional side of all this, you can always find a therapist, just for yourself, at Psychology Today. Whatever happens in your relationship with your husband, one way or another, you’ve just go so much going on here. It sounds like you’ve been doing the best you can, but I hope you’ll be able to reach out for more support as you walk through all this. I’m glad you reached out here, and I wish you all the healing and hope in the world.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have been married to an “Ordained” minister for 10 years. In the beginning, he sought to be respected by my 15 year old. My adult husband of less than 1 year ended up chasing my 15 year old into the kitchen. He backs him into the refrigerator and my son punches my husband in the nose. My husband asks me why I’m tending my son and not him. I end up sending my child to family because I believed that that was the right thing to do for things to be normal while I work through things. My son comes home after graduating high school. But, I gradually find out things about my husband that he had not shared and I realize that he wasn’t in control of his own life! Rather, his mother would call him each day, advising him on what to do. He begins asking ME what to do! It becomes apparent of his codependence after our two children begin going to school and I gain more time to myself. I realized that we had both had a real relationship. The babies distracted me from focusing on my relationship and he didn’t require much within a relationship so, he never complained, except about lack of sex. Now, we are angry towards each other because I provide ALL of his needs, yet he doesn’t invest in our relationship with each other. Our arguments have happened in front of our children so, I had him go to a therapist. We go outside to discuss now but, it was determined that his mother was passive-aggressive and so is he with narcissism. Ministry is his passion because it fills his need of attention. But, he gives us select attention because he gets it from social media ministry.
Me and my husband married 19yrs .5 yrs ago my husband slightly distracted from family. Telling small lies .he want to hang around with female work colleagues. My last kid was very small.i was busy with 3 kids and we had fight.after I doubted him.we seen minister and reconciliation done.but last 2 yrs.he more gone away from me .he is very good man in work very hard working.all people likes him.he love loves eith his work friends especially half age girls.always chatting. All phone blocked.he want divorce. But telling me no affair. He always likes evening and night parties
He told me he Don.t love any more.but he still with me .I cried and broken.depressed but he Don.t care.i know he Don.t loves but still I love him alot .I can.t think what I do he leaves me.how come I can get his love back
Hello, thanks for reaching out to us. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It is so painful when a spouse has turned away and doesn’t want to reconcile. Please seek out godly counsel for yourself, and make sure to surround yourself with godly, understanding friends. You are not alone! There are many women who have gone through the same experience and can offer help and encouragement. Here are some resources from one of our partner ministries.
God bless,
Keith