This is a guest post by Anne Jackson. Anne currently serves on staff at LifeChurch.tv in Edmond, Oklahoma, and is the author of Mad Church Disease, a book about the burnout epidemic in the church. Anne has written several articles for Relevant Magazine and is a Compassion Blogger, using her influence in the blogosphere to to transform the lives of children in poverty worldwide.
In a prior post, “Not Just a Man’s Problem,” we opened the can of worms of female porn addiction. Anne Jackson has graciously given us permission to reprint the article she originally wrote for Relevant Magazine. This is Anne’s candid testimony about her pornography addiction. Thanks, Anne, for your raw honesty.
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The last place you’d expect to see a porno would be the living room of a pastor.
But in between my family’s Christmas portrait and a broken, dot matrix printer sat a computer screen. Little did I know the place where I typed up book reports or instant messaged my friends would also become the doorway to an endless amount of forbidden fruit—and an endless amount of guilt.
Growing up the daughter of a Baptist preacher-man, I was the 16-year-old poster child for naiveté. My family had just moved from a small, secluded west Texas town to Dallas, and within a matter of days in my new residence, I was bombarded by the prevalent sexual culture of a big city.
Strip clubs and billboards lined the highways. There was a giant sex store just a few miles from our house. Ignited teenage hormones and the temptation to give in to my curiosity proved to be a dangerous combination.
My parents and brother were fast asleep as I connected to the internet one night. I searched for the word “sex” and within seconds had access to a sea of well endowed platinum blondes doing things with guys (and girls) that I’d never seen before.
Because I lived at home and the only computer was in the living room, there weren’t many opportunities to do my “sexual education research,” but whenever I was alone, I’d quickly satisfy my interest.
I graduated from high school my junior year and moved out when I was only 17 years old. I had my own space with my own computer, and all the free time in the world. I’d go to work (at a local Christian bookstore), come home, and look at porn almost every night.
I frequented erotic chat rooms, watched movies and browsed through hundreds and hundreds of pictures. Soon my porn binges started affecting my performance at work and my relationships.
Of course I never mentioned my struggle to anyone. Looking at porn was typical, even expected, for guys but a girl? A girl who likes porn? I often questioned my sexual orientation.
Why did I like looking at naked women? Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert? I hated what I was doing so much. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop.
The cycle continued for years. Binging, feeling guilty and swearing I’d never do it again, only to give in a few days later. I prayed for God to take the desires away. That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I had more than enough pictures saved in my memory to reflect back on, even if I was able to stay off the computer for a while.
So, why do women struggle with this? Although stereotypically we’re not as visually stimulated as our male counterparts, we’re not blind either. There is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and tempts us.
At least for me, viewing these outwardly flawless women fed a huge emotional need. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing, and by doing that, it made me feel beautiful and accepted.
I was transformed into a perfect, sexy body, and I was desired and wanted. I was able to escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed, in my mind, to this perfect woman.
My online activities also played out in my daily life. I was engaged for about a year and cheated on my fiancée. After that, I “dated” several new guys a month, getting physically involved with them in some regard.
According to everything I had seen, to be accepted and loved meant a sexual relationship, and what girl doesn’t need to be accepted and loved? I gave so many pieces of my body and my heart away during those years.
When I was 21, I was in a serious car accident that caused me to reevaluate how I was living my life. At the time, I was pretending like there was no God, except for when I needed His forgiveness, and only then would I come running back to Him. After the wreck, something finally clicked, and I realized that love does not equal sex.
It was at that moment when I decided to turn around—to change my thinking—and then my actions would eventually (and hopefully) follow. I had to say goodbye to my online habits, and to my offline ones as well.
It’s been close to 10 years since my first encounter with online porn, and I’d like to admit I’ve had a perfect run at purity. I wish I could say I’ve always lingered on the right thoughts or shut down the computer when the temptation got to be too much, but the truth is, I haven’t.
I’m still a girl who struggles. I’m still a girl who lives one day at a time, depending on a God whose design for sex and love is so far beyond what I could even imagine. So each and every day, I pray for God to first direct my thinking and then redirect it as necessary.
And I’m grateful that He is faithful to meet me somewhere between the mouse and the computer screen.
Thx for the article. I am addicted to porn after berateng my husband for sneeking a peek a few times. I was totally against it then one days I was having sexual frustration in the bedroom. I’ve tried to stop but it seems so hard. When I ask my husband to help satisfy me he seems….. frustrated. I feel guilty asking. Now with his back hurting him he isn’t able to satisfy himself…..he knows I masterbate. He hates knowing that I need a vibrator to get off but isn’t willing to do the job himself. We’ve talked about it over and over and all he can say is I’m the first woman he couldn’t satisfy by simply having sex. We are both God fearing and I don’t want to keep doing this but I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Even if I don’t look at porn my sexual fantasies while masterbate are just as bad. The word says lusting in your heart is the same as commiting the sin. Everytime I i file in fantasyI am cheating on my husband. I feel so guilty and I am still attracted to my husband. This isn’t something I would ever prefer over him but he can’t satisfy me. What do I do? Become a nun and abstain until my husband is able to touch me again? Even if I did that I am still in trouble because despite being awesome in bed I can’t get off with him…….. i’m lost.
I have struggled with porn addiction for 10 years. I started when I was 9. So young, so impure. I started desiring for change when I was 14, begging for God to remove my filthy thoughts and curiosity, but for the following five years I had relapsed countless times. There were even times when I just wanted to completely give in. But God is faithful. Now He has set me free from the shameful addiction. All thanks and glory to Him!
All things are possible with God! Thank you for sharing, Lily. You are not defined by your past, but by the empty cross of Christ. Forgiven! Free!
Peace, Chris
I started viewing porn when I got pregnant with my first child. When I was about 6 months pregnant, sex became uncomfortable and I became insecure with my growing body. When I would feel “in the mood”, I would start wandering the internet. I’ve had 4 kids since. As my body kept changing, I became more in secure and I felt ugly to my husband. I felt embarrassed and not good enough. I kept going back to porn to fill my sexual desires that I couldn’t bring myself to have with my husband. Now, it’s become an occasional habit. Its been very difficult to quit it all together. I’ve found that when I have down time, that’s when I struggle the most. When my husband is gone to work and the kids are napping and I have nothing to do.
First, Anna thank you so much for sharing this article with us! This has always been a subject that lots of people shy away from (including myself). But by opening up to us you have given me in-site on things I never thought about before. I was first introduced to porn when I found a magazine under my parents bed when I was 10yrs old. Something happening to me that I still can’t explain. It was like looking at a forbidden piece of art, when you know your not suppose to but you cannot help yourself. I wasn’t able to look at it for a while after that but I did think about it, like all the time! Finally a few months later, my parents left my sister home to babysit us and I when I was alone I went to look for the magazine. However it was gone. Disappointed, I decided to watch tv. I must of been looking for it (unknowingly) but I ran across the XXX channels. Before than I never had the nerve to actually watch one but at that moment I clicked on it. I knew my mom to have the same password for everything so gave it a go and it work. This was the start of my nine year long addiction to porn. I remember always feeling guilty even as I was watching it and confused. Confused about how I could like something so wrong. Not that I didn’t make every excuse in the book. I often wonder if a was a gay because, I always had a desire in watching the females in videos more. Anne mention it was like feeling like the perfect woman and being beautiful and I have to agree. I’ve often would fantasize about being that women, to be wanted by someone that much. There were the chat rooms, the video chats (where you didn’t have to show your face), even the sending pics to people I’ve never even met before. The thrill of it all. Not to mention with todays technology it made it even harder to stop. You do have go to stores anymore and check videos out, all you have to do is pull out your smartphone, tablet, laptop, or even order online. It’s that easy! I used to pray about it all the time but the truth is it will only happens if you ready want it. I know alot of people will say differently but, a mixture of prayer, limited access (like a hobby or job), a strong will, and honestly will do the trick. And when I say be honest, I mean it. Your watching porn for a reason, figure out why! Mines was because I wanted to feel loved and wanted but the truth is God loves me and wants me to be happy.
prayer and fasting will help this addiction
Oh Jo, my heart goes out to you. I am a 50 year old Mom of a 15 year old son, who is addicted to porn. My husband and I have been married for 26 years, and by all appearances, we look like we have it all together. In truth, I think we look more like other families than we might ever know! Our son does online school, and became curious one day, and began “googling” various things online. That “innocent” curiosity, has wreaked havoc on all our lives. He thought he would just get some answers to questions he didn’t feel comfortable asking his Dad or me about, has led him in a torturous path. I caught him one day, and our world has never been the same since. My heart’s desire now, is to reach anyone I can, that being addicted to porn, is not a life sentence, and that Jesus has a much better way for all of us!
Jo, you need to know a couple of things. Parents love their children more than they love their own lives. I know this is not true for everyone, but I feel it is more often that not that a parent feels this way about their kids. There is something magical if you will, about that first look at your newborn baby, and you just know you will never be the same again. I would walk this path for our son if I could, but I cannot. There have been times I have cried so hard for him, that I couldn’t breathe. Try talking to your folks. Yes, it will be a jolt to them at first, partly because of the generation differences. When I was a kid, sex wasn’t hardly a word in our vocabulary! Silly, isn’t it? I think you will find that in the long run, if you have a good relationship with your parents, you will be SO glad you did. If you don’t have a good relationship with your parents, seek out someone you trust, that is an adult. I think that you will feel SO much better, if you have someone in your life that you can go to, it will make all the difference in the world! And this is only the beginning. God’s love is so rich and deep, and you need to understand that kind of love. That kind of love gives hope, and that is what you need right now. The kind of love that says, “Jo, I love you just as you are right now”. I have walked many a dark valley with God in my life, and I can tell you, He is true and faithful.
When you were only 5 years of age, and should have been discovering the world around you in an innocent way , someone messed with you, and took something precious from you. Yes, in part it was a person, but it goes even deeper than that. Whatever the name of the person is that first showed porn to you, the deeper issue, is that satan was behind it all. satan deceived the person in your life that introduced you to it, and satan deceived you, when you first looked at it. What I am getting at, is that it is not your fault, Jo. However, now that you know there is a problem, you need to take ownership of the situation, and boot satan right out that ever loving door!
You don’t say if you have a relationship with Jesus or not. I pray that you do. All you have to do, is ask, and He takes care of the rest. From there, it is a life of building and growing. It is not a perfect life, but it is a life with purpose and meaning. For all of my wishing and hoping that we could help our son, only Jesus can set him free. As his parents, we can only give him direction, but we cannot give him freedom. Only Jesus can do that. He is slowly learning that freedom is so much better than giving in to the desires of his heart at the moment. Freedom lasts forever, and the moment is just that, a moment. Afterwards, it is guilt, lies and the sense that you are not as good as everyone else. I have learned to read it in his face. As his Mom, I cannot tell you how angry I have been at satan for stealing that precious part of him, that once was so innocent. I cannot tell you how angry I have been at satan for taking away his laughter, and a smile that could melt a roomful of people! I cannot tell you how angry I have been at satan for telling our son that he is worthless, when he is such a wonderful young man, with the rest of his life ahead of him! I have stopped focusing so much on satan, and now am focusing on our wonderful Savior, who desperately wants to set our son free! This has made a fantastic change in all of us!
Jo, our son was just like you. He felt that if his life was going to be this difficult, and he was only 15 years old, how was he ever going to make it to the end of his life? Jo, you are a wonderful young woman, with so much ahead of you! God wants to show you how wonderful a life you can have, porn free, but you have to let Him! There would be so many people in your life (I feel certain of this!) that would be devastated if you were not in their lives! I pray you find someone you can talk to. We have found a fantastic Christian counselor, and that has made such a difference for all of us. We are learning that his healing is a process, and not a switch that he can flip on or off, but is refusing to flip it to the “off” position permanently. You can begin that journey too! My prayers are with you!
Because He Lives,
Carol
Wow, your words to Jo brought tears to my eyes, I wish we could talk.
All I can say is get addicted to JESUS and he will be your fix.After being in the speed scene for 13yrs.porn just kind of goes with the territory or so I thought.I was believing a lie and from the master of lies,the devil.The word says -I would that you be prosperous and in health as your soul prospers. If our soul isn’t prospering how can we be satisfied? Seek first the kingdom of GOD and his righteousness and everything else shall be added. I had to renew my mind by the washing of the word. Phillipians 4:13 says I meaning (you) can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me(YOU). So you are right you can’t but through CHRIST you can. Cast your cares on him (JESUS) and lean not on your own understandings,cause he (JESUS) truly cares for you. I am praying for you… be blessed
I was introduced to pornography at 5 by a friend, I’m 16 now. Its something I’ve grown up with and I can’t remember life without it. I’ve tried almost everything to stop, I have two accountability partners and I’ve told my parents but I continue to struggle.
Pornography is still seen as an issue for guys and I’ve spent a good bit of time wondering if I’m some kind of pervert or a lesbian or something. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve asked God to let me die rather than let me live like this.
I understand about feeling like dying would be the easier way because it makes me feel hopeless and like nothing will ever change. Have things gotten better for you?
I just want to say — hallelujah! — I am so glad I ran across this article. It finally confirmed everything that I have been dealing with for years. I, too, have struggled with an internet porn addiction. I have dealt with a lot of secret shame and guilt over this. I still do not feel like I can bring myself to admit my problem to anyone; I still deeply fear my family’s reaction. But, because of this article, now I feel like a light has truly gone on in my head. God bless Anne Jackson for being able to share her struggle with all of us who deal with the same problem. I will keep her in my prayers, along with myself.
I completely understand. I started looking at porn at the age of 16, I was able to ignore it for years and the effects diminished. Then, on my honeymoon I thought it might be fun to get some interesting things for my husband and I to play around with. I went to the adult store and there was a video playing.. It was like a dam burst, since then I have been struggling with not looking at porn.
At first I was too scared to use the computer because I wasn’t exactly sure if my husband could see the history of sites I’d visited. I went to another adult store and rented DVDs and returned them before my husband came home from work.
When my husband and I had intimacy problems, I began binging on it, I told him about it and he forgave me and we worked out some of our issues. Then this last April I don’t know what triggered it, I think it was just boredom.. I began to look at porn everyday for about 5 weeks. I gave myself every excuse in the book.
I felt like I over-sexed myself, then it just stopped.. Just a few weeks ago it all started up again, and now my husband and I are living separately most of the time (only because we are working in different cities, we see each other on weekends, this arrangement is supposed to last 6 more months) and it has been everyday. I have been hiding it for awhile now. He doesn’t know I am looking at it again…. I used to feel guilty but now I just don’t feel very much about it, just like it’s part of my day… I think that is worse then feeling guilty.