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Rebuild Your Marriage 6 minute read

Christian Marriage Advice: 5 ways porn will hurt your marriage

Last Updated: April 4, 2024

“And they lived happily ever after…” Cut! End scene. Movie over. They’re married, what more is there? Happily ever after…

Is that so? I’m not sure how many married couples would explain their marriage as “happily ever after.” Not that all marriages are bad, by no means! But marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard.

One growing difficulty in many marriages is the issue of pornography. Everything can seem great until the Mrs. is greeted by a naked image of another woman as she turns on the computer screen or until the Mr. stops showing up to little Jimmy’s games as he sits and watches his computer screen for hours on end. Maybe the Mrs. has gotten into “harmless” romance novels and no longer has the desire for sex, or Mr. finds pornographic messages being sent between his wife and another man via a social network.

It may not be the exact situations above, but if porn is involved anywhere in your marriage (with you, your spouse, or even both of you), then there is no “happily ever after.” Pornography never blesses, it only takes. It never enriches, it only deceives. Porn will not develop anyone, but only put the user (and others) in harms way.

If porn is involved in your marriage, you are not alone. Covenant Eyes reported in their most recent statistics (via MSNBC and a Stanford/Duquesne study): “In 2000, 25 million Americans spent 1 to 10 hours per week viewing Internet pornography, and as many as 4.7 million spent over 11 hours per week viewing Internet pornography.” Of those millions, I cannot imagine how many are married.

I myself have experienced the problem of porn in my marriage. My husband revealed his struggle to me just a few months before we were married and it has been a part of our lives ever since. Not that my husband is actively involved in pornography any longer, but just as alcoholism is a struggle with no cure, so is the addiction to pornography. One sip, one look, and it can be a downhill journey once again.

Worth the Fight

So why try? Does it really hurt your marriage? Is it something worth fighting against if the urges and temptations will always be there and the “happily ever after” doesn’t completely exist?

Yes. One million times, yes! Though this struggle is hard, your marriage is worth it. Just as you would fight hard to prevent alcoholism or drug addiction, fight just as hard against the battle of pornography.

Still not convinced? Here are 5 ways that pornography can hurt your marriage. I pray you take them to heart and know that none of us are immune to the effects.

Way #1:Porn Invites Comparison

Invite anyone into your marriage—past, present, or future—and that person will always be somewhere in your mind. For example: if you have had a sexual partner apart from your spouse, possibly even years before you were married, could sex with your spouse bring that previous relationship back to your mind? Of course it would!No matter how hard we can try to forget the past, it becomes a part of who we are. It becomes an ingrained memory that cannot easily be pushed aside. Are we more than our past? Absolutely. We can change, we can move forward as a new person. But the memories are always there.

Now think of this with pornography. If a man sees an image of a naked woman, what happens when he sees his wife naked in a few hours? Does he not notice that his wife may not have the same computer-generated flawless features? And what about the video he watched of two people having sex? He may begin to believe that sex with his wife is not quite as exciting as the scripted scene he had witnessed before. Romance novels and soft porn can have the very same effects.

I heard once that comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t think it could be explained any better, especially in this situation. Porn invites in comparison. Comparison can take away the joy that we experience in our marriages, specifically in our marriage beds.

Way #2: Porn Encourages Lies

Pornography as a topic is generally avoided. It’s kept behind closed doors (just where Satan likes it) so the habit and addiction can fester and grow. There are marriages where it is freely done and the spouse knows about it (I highly disagree with this as well), but for the most part you will find that the one looking at porn is keeping it under wraps. Lies of any sort can rip a marriage apart, but lies about porn are sneaky ones that often take a while to come out into the open.

Before porn is revealed in a marriage, it can wrap its claws around the aspect of one’s life and cause detrimental harm. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Being trustworthy means honesty with your spouse. Hiding a porn addiction is not only being dishonest, but it’s being untrustworthy. A marriage is built on trust, and without it the marriage will crumble.

Way #3: Porn Lowers Self-Worth

As a psychology and counseling major, I’ve heard the term “self-esteem” quite a bit. It’s thrown around frequently, and while there is truth to it, I like the term “self-worth” a whole lot better. I believe it better encompasses the greater issue. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it is more of a worth issue than one of esteem for ourselves.

I get into this because I believe porn can greatly mess with the self-worth of both a husband and a wife in a marriage, no matter who it is that is struggling with the addiction. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God created us in His image, one that is holy and righteous. But when we sin, or those we love sin against us, we rarely feel anything close to the attributes of holiness and righteousness.

This is most often an issue for the wife whose husband is struggling with porn. In my own experience, and in talking to numerous other wives who have been through this, the question rolling through our minds is “Am I not good enough?” If we know our husbands are looking at other women, it must mean that they don’t think we are enough for them. I might think I am not pretty enough, not sexy enough, or not worthy of love and affection. While the struggle with porn is far greater than what the wife may think, the issue of self-worth is still there.

I would also argue that looking at porn is a self-worth issue for both men and women. When one becomes upset with him/herself, going into “another world” can be an easy escape from reality—one that always appears to fulfill and bring pleasure no matter what the real-life circumstances may be. Just as one may go towards alcohol or drug abuse in situations of frustration and low self-worth, so someone else can turn to porn. Porn starts with low self-worth and ends with low self-worth. Without respect for oneself, a marriage will be brought down. Without knowledge of how you were designed (in God’s image) and without living in light of that knowledge, a marriage will suffer.

Way #4: Porn Robs Us of Intimacy

Porn takes intimacy away. Period. On to the next point…

Just kidding, but really, that sums it up pretty well. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” “Undefiled” means “without stain or blemish.” Porn is a stain. It’s that nasty grass stain that will never come out of a white t-shirt. It can be covered, dyed, washed, and cleaned, but it will always still be there. Porn will defile a marriage bed. It will steal from the intimacy that a married couple has the opportunity to be blessed with. Porn will take sex that a married couple has and completely strip away all holiness and intimacy that it once had. It invites someone else into the sexual relationship, which leads to our next point…

Way #5: Porn is Adultery

Ouch. I debated whether to include this one or not. It’s harsh, it’s hurtful…but it’s truth. Porn is adultery. Matthew 5:28 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” No arguing with that one. Jesus is pretty clear, and you know He already knew about the sin of pornography before it ever came into existence (though I suspect they already had forms of it during this time period). He knew the easy accessibility that the Internet would someday bring. He knew that 47% of families (via Covenant Eyes and Focus on the Family statistics) would have this problem in their home one day.

Looking at another man or woman in lust is adultery. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hard reality, but a truthful one. Porn is adultery and obviously, adultery is a problem in marriage.

God is Bigger

This was a hard post to write. So harsh, so dark, so depressing! Unfortunately, it is all true. These are just five ways that porn will hurt your marriage and unfortunately, there are hundreds more. But I can’t leave you with that!

God redeems (Eph. 1:7). God heals (1 Cor. 10:13). God does miracles (Matt. 17:20). God is bigger (Isaiah 55:8-9). My husband and I are a testament to this. While pornography will always be a struggle and temptation that we will seek to conquer, He has blessed us with an incredible marriage despite the evil that has threatened our relationship. He has healed us from comparing or being fearful of comparison. He has taken away the lies and silence that held my husband for so many years before he told me about his struggle. He has restored our self-worth and made us feel like royal children (as we all are!). He has completely brought back all intimacy that was lost and not only that, has made it better! And He, by far, is greater than any sin of adultery. Satan may try to take us down, but God keeps our marriage up and thriving. We give all the glory to Him and are so blessed by the great things He has done.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Photo credit: titlap

  1. M.K.B.

    Also, maybe it is worth adding we haven’t had any issues with intimacy. A man can be satisfied and still do this. It hurts, and is a low thing to do. We have a great intimate life. So I’m not sure what to blame for this, but I do hope we can move on from this.

    • Thanks for sharing your story. Of course, many men can make a firm commitment not to look at porn and are successful. I pray that is true of your husband.

  2. M.K.B.

    I am a somewhat newly married young woman. We have been married just about a year, and have a baby son. Today, when my husband went to take his shower for work, I opened the bathroom door(As we both often do if one of us wants to ask the other a question and we know we’re just in the shower or something.)anyway, I went in with the intent of asking my husband if he wanted me to fix him some breakfast before work. What meets my eyes on his iPhone, is the “Paused” screen of what looked like naked women. In fact, I knew I saw A LOT of skin. I knew that he was watching porn, also by the shocked look he had on his face. He wasn’t “Enjoying” himself, but he had it on as he was about to get ready to go in the shower so I assume he probably planned to. We ended up having a confrontation. I told him my personal beliefs on how I don’t feel porn is necessary when he has a faithful, willing wife at home. In any case, before he left for work, he grabbed my hands, and looked into my eyes and sincerely apologized. He told me the porn wasn’t worth it. He told me he didn’t want me to have to catch him watching that, and that he did not want me to feel that he didn’t want me. I was very happy to hear this. I know that look in his eyes, and only a couple of other times when apologizing over something I felt was wrong has he looked at me with guilt like that. I accepted his apology. I highly doubt he’ll watch it again after seeing how badly it hurt me. We are very young, I’m almost 20 and he is 23. I didn’t mention our age earlier because I didn’t want excuses made for him as people so often do for younger men. We were engaged OVER 2 years before being married and having a baby, so in that time; if he didn’t want to commit to marriage he had time to decide he didn’t want it. We both talked early in our relationship about marriage and children at a younger age. So nobody felt “forced” into marriage in this case. I guess I told everyone here about this because I wanted some women to see this, and realize that some men DO make this mistake, for whatever reason, but DON’T INTEND to hurt their wives. However, I made it clear to him that it did. I’m pretty sure he knows that if I ever catch him watching porn AFTER he apologized the way he did, there will be a serious point in our young marriage. I always believe that even if I don’t catch him doing something, his guilt will sooner or later add up. And in fact, he had been acting a bit strange and col the past couple days. He admitted he was watching it, but that he doesn’t look at those women and compare me to them. In a way, it bothered me to think of the man I married as a ‘typical’ young man, with no respect for women. He told me that I am not like other girls, I did not marry and have a child with the wrong man. I hope this is the last of our pornography issues. I will do my absolute best to let go and move on from this incident.

  3. anjelita

    before my husband and I got married I knew he had this problem and did not want to marry him because I did not want to struggle like my mother did with my father (been divorce) my husband did not give up so easily and I gave him a shot but made it very CLEAR I will not accept this and he told me he throw it all away. Will after 3 years now 8 years married) I found out he was looking at this trash and I was PISSED off and confronted him and then it lead to him talking and going out with real women. We both had filed for divorce but here we are still married with a daughter that is 3 but my question is how do I trust him again? I have cried till I had no more tears to cry to Our Lord and here we are 8 years married and I still don’t trust him at all. It hurts me so much and I’m dying inside.

    • Hi anjelita. What your husband has done to you is deplorable. I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

      Trust can only be rebuilt if he manifests trustworthy behavior. Talk is cheap. He needs to show that he is trustworthy by taking all the steps he can to show you he is distancing himself from porn, other women, and all other kinds of infidelity. These are steps he needs to take. He needs to show you he is surrounding himself with the support he needs to quit this habit. He needs to show you that he’s fighting for your marriage. That is the only way trust is rebuilt.

    • Joseph

      You should not get tired praying for him. The bible says the un believing husband will b sanctified by the believing wife. Jesus died,tht habit cannot survive-JEHSONGS

  4. Sam Zichner

    Am am a 51 year old male that has more recently started viewing porn to keep myself sane. I would 100 times prefer to be intimate with my wife but she is not interested. Have tried everything I know to encourage intimacy. Even spending thousands on romantic getaways besides little things on a daily / weekly basis. Have gone to Christian counceling of her choosing and after many sessions the councelor told me privately he could not see going any further because that even though I really put forth a really good faith effort toward working on my own self and my marriage my wife however only complains and doesn’t view herself as needing to make any changes. He told me privately that if most of the wives he councels had husbands like me their marriages would be much better. After my wife was not told what she wanted to hear she quit the counceling and refuses to see any more. I know what I am doing is wrong and God desires us to be together sexually, but my physical needs are overwhelming especially because I am very attracted to my wife. When I view pornography I purposely search out women who look and remind me of her. At this point I have come to the conclusion that the porn is bad for me because it is enabling me to stay in a bad marriage by taking the edge off my sexual urges rather than getting the courage to leave. I am against divorce so it seems at this time like the lesser of 2 evils. I would appreciate any criticisim or advice for me in my situation.
    Sam

    • deb

      I am no expert but i see you are 51. Assuming your wife is near your age could she be going through the change? Menopause causes some most embarrassing things. It can also cause a complete lack of sexual desire. Intimacy is lost. The natural feelings of excitement and desire stop. There is just simply no interest. It can also cause things to happen or not happen to a womans body that makes sex painful in some ways. Love has nothing to do with it. She may even know of your new habit but because she cant engage she chooses to look the other way. It is not in her to hurt or deprive you. She needs your understanding and patience more than anything. Once she gets past it her desire will probably return. Women connect emotionally. If her emotions are in turmoil no matter what the cause then sex is not a desire. It may not be her. It may not be her fault. And it certainly isnt you from the sound of your letter.

  5. Kris

    Please pray for my husband’s addiction to porn. He is Christian but he sees nothing wrong in watching porn and pleasuring himself. I am falling apart, praying to God every day. Please pray for my marriage, and that my husband is enlightened by God – that he realizes that porn is not good, that God wants him to stop. Please pray that God gives him wisdom and strength to stop wishing for and watching porn! :( Thank you. God bless you all.

    • GodsChild

      This is a great article! I just ran into a minor porn issue with my husband, and I sent this article to his phone and he understood the damage that porn can do. I thank God for websites like these. Be blessed!

    • Alison

      I know how you feel. My husband started looking at porn after I had breast cancer and had to go through a mastectomy. I didn’t know and was surprised because he was very supportive through everything. He didn’t tell me I walked in on him looking on the computer for porn sites. He says he stopped but he doesn’t feel he did anything wrong either. I feel like I can’t trust him because he hide it so long (over 10 years) and because he doesn’t think it’s wrong. I have been praying a lot to help him but also to help me to understand that it’s not me.

  6. Thank you for this great article. Marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard. If we think depth about this then must we will create a much more long live happy married life..

    • Geevers

      I feel just like Gee but my husband try to blame me to give him more attention . I have in the past and it happen again I know it not me and told him he cannot turn it around he need to do something with this problem or it the end because my trust is gone

    • to embarrassed

      This is my first time on this page. & my different. I want to be with my wife so bad but right from the start we got married she didn’t want to touch me and when we did come together it was more as an obligation then in need or want, like I had for her. I started why did she marry me. before we got married we came together like a rabbit’s he couldn’t get enough of each other she was my everything that’s why I wanted to marry her I didn’t need anything from anyone because you fulfill me. but as soon as we got married nothing. Honeymoon did not evolve any sex. that’s how I got involved in porn.

    • Kay Bruner

      Thanks for sharing something so personal and painful. We have terrible, terrible problems with sexuality in the Christian world. We suffer from lack of real education, from overspiritualization, from unreal expectations and an inability to have a real conversation about our sexuality–just to get started with a few problems we have around sexuality. There are so many possibilities for what’s happening in your relationship, but you’re probably going to need help to figure it out.

      My advice would be, seek help from a good, experienced counselor. There are directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors and also Psychology Today, where you can read biographies of counselors and find someone in your area who has experience helping clients with sexual dysfunction in marriage.

      I’m a counselor myself, and I sometimes have clients who come in after years and years of marriage, telling a story similar to yours, and it’s so sad. You don’t have to suffer for years. Get help now!

      Blessings, Kay

    • Robert johnson

      I would just like to say …me and my wife both Christian and married successful 34 yrs ….we both are friends and still in love …how long have we watched porn …all of it ..however its not for everyone.. it to me is no worse than self satisfaction or doing what we all do ..and look …so to the ladies who are considering divorce over porn …please reconsider. .there will be alot bigger struggles …than porn to deal with …pray about it As peter found out God can make clean that which is unclean ..it may be intent and many other things God looks to and not so much to the letter .i believe God is way more fair than we are when it comes to the knats . physical. ..and the boards may have been the sins of the ..heart ..more difficult
      At any rate do what you feel Gods is saying not what your young challenges of insecurities …and then by all means do what you believe Gods heart soeaks to your heart …but please understand people are human and need understanding. ..and grace …

    • Chris McKenna

      Hello, Robert – I want to leave a challenge for you. Take a moment and image yourself flat on your face in the presence of God. He asks you about your life and you tell Him that throughough your entire marriage you and your wife watched porn, masturbated, and fantasized about intimacy with other people. What would be His response? I just can’t image that as being “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy” in His eyes. Please consider my words.

      Peace,
      Chris

  7. X MRS. 2ND BEST

    Thank you for the encouraging and spot on article! I was married for 15 years to a wonderful man…someone I thought was “all that”. But “all that” changed when I found his secret. Anyone (including you Erin) will know that after the “initial” waves of anger, hurt, pain and sorrow once a woman has found her spouse’s secret…she then wants full disclosure. I’m not sure why, but I found MYSELF wanting to know more. The details of which no woman truly “wants” to learn about…it is, after all, disgusting! But the need to know becomes so strong as “she” looks for the reasons why “she” wasn’t enough. Of course now that the “she”, the innocent, has found his secret, he has to go into damage control. Control being the operative word here! His need to hide and discount everything she has just found is as strong as her need for full disclosure. The innocent spouse becomes controlling and demands account passwords. She becomes the FBI’s supreme stealth student; learning all she can about ways to spy on her offender and craftily looks for signs that her offender is acting out. She becomes more attractive, seductive, doing things she would never have before to become that “every woman”. Something of which no woman is able to “be”. The more she tries, the more she begins to hate her own being. The desire to please eventually fades and she falls into a deep depression. The very things she has worked hard to learn and learned to use has only backfired and her controlling, manipulative ways have lead to even more problems in the marriage. There are only two ways to “complete” freedom…the path to my freedom came in the way of my spouse wanting out of the marriage. which at the time came as a huge relief. But then regret.

    The other path to freedom is his desire to change and abstain. He has resolved himself to full transparency and full disclosure. Only then can there be intimacy.

    Regret? …I still have regret that my marriage to him is over…but the reoccuring nightmares of how it ended and why, are still fresh and never far from my mind.

    To all who are reading this…I hope the torment and pain that is still present in my writing comes through…4 years out as X Mrs. 2nd Best. <3

    • Luke Gilkerson

      @X MRS. – You are by no means “2nd best.” The fact is no one woman can compete with an online harem of women, all digitally edited to the users least specification, all without their own needs, all existing to cater to the sinful cravings of the man, all catering to his pride and selfishness. Even those whom culture calls “beautiful” can’t be everything to a man entrenched in this problem. Think about it: Tea Leoni, Christie Brinkley, Elin Nordegren, Denise Richards – all of them couldn’t compete with a harem of fantasy women.

      Thanks for sharing your story here. I am so sorry things didn’t work out for you and your husband.

    • Gee

      I feel your pain, I am going through a lot right now with my husband looking @ porn as well as him looking at other social networks. It is so hurtful that I cannot even begin to describe my pain. I have lost total trust and I feel as if my marriage is going to end all because of this. I have come to the point where I don’t know what else to do, I have spoken to him about it, but I know deep in my heart it is not going to change. I am beyond hurt and I cannot find any way to make myself feel better. I have been tempted to just give up and move on because this is not the first time. This is such as difficult decision. :(

    • Lisa Eldred

      Hi Gee,

      How tragic! Before you completely give up on your marriage, we have two free e-books you need to read. The first is Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives, which gives practical tips for healing your relationship. The other is Hope After Porn, which compiles four stories of wives whose husbands used porn (and in some cases actually acted out in person), but who eventually found healing and reconciliation for their marriages. I hope both of these e-books bring you hope!

    • AJ

      OMG You described me. Woud you do it again in this manner? Any words of Christian wisdom would be greatly appreciated. AJ. in Cold Colorado

    • jc

      I don’t mean to be a problem for any of you ladies but I hear many of you talking about how bad and hurtful your husbands are because of their porn addiction with very little compassion whatsoever. Your husband is certainly wrong for watching porn but sin taints the entire human race. Some people are more prone to lust, others to drunkenness. What are you prone to? No sin is greater than another and because you also are a sinner you should have more compassion for other sinners. Yet, we human beings would rather gossip about someone else’s faults to make ourselves feel more awesome than we actually are.

    • Elena

      I am so sorry your marriage ended:( I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years now and just found out his secret last night… I’ve had a “feeling” for a while but just got confirmation last night. I want to leave.. but then again I made a vow to God and my kids.. idk what to do. I’m feeling very sick about this. My heart is broken for you. You will be in my prayers.</3

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey Elena, I wonder if you’ve checked out our free download, Hope After Porn? Several women talk about their boundaries in recovery. It’s such a difficult issue to face, and sadly, leaving may be the best option for some people. As you think through your options, you might appreciate the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’d also suggest counseling as an option, and the American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a counselor in your area. Have a look at those things and let me know how else we can help. Blessings, Kay

    • Kelly

      Thanks so much for these blogs…I’ve been married 3 weeks and my husband won’t touch me!! I recently searched his phone history and discovered he has been looking at a lot of porn. How do I get him to come clean with me. I want our marriage to work, I had no idea of this addiction before hand…as we agreed not to have sex before marriage.

    • Kay Bruner

      Kelly, I am so, so, so sorry for this. How heart-breaking! And how brave of you to reach out for help here.

      This sounds like a very severe issue to me, that requires serious intervention and serious boundaries, and I’m just so impressed with you for being so honest and willing to look at what’s really going on here.

      The lack of consummation speaks to me of either severe erectile dysfunction, severe emotional dysfunction, or possibly some other sexual dysfunction, no doubt all wound up in his porn use. Whatever the issue is here, it’s highly unusual and serious.

      My advice to you may sound harsh at this moment, but here it is. For several reasons, I think you might want to consider an immediate separation.

      1. He needs help, and he needs it now. He needs it from sources other than yourself. You didn’t make this problem, and you can’t solve it. If you’re ever going to have a healthy marriage, this needs to be dealt with first. It needs to be dealt with BY HIM.
      2. He may have other underlying issues that he’s tried to mask by marriage. Whatever those are, he needs to sort them out and make healthy decisions.
      3. Legally, you are most likely eligible for an annulment at this point. Here’s what I’ve learned about annulment recently. If you discover “false pretenses” and separate immediately, you keep the option of annulment open for yourself. If you remain cohabiting with him, you will not have annulment as an option later on. Should it prove true that he can’t or won’t deal with whatever the problem is, you’d be left with divorce as your only option.

      My best hope for this situation would be that he would accept your separation as a clear sign that he needs to get help. Ideally, he would get that help, work through his problems, and you’d be able to reunite and move forward.

      However, this situation is so unusual and serious that I think it would be wise for you to keep all your options open.

      I would suggest that you look for a therapist in your area, who might be able to provide you with more help and guidance as you decide how to proceed.

      I wouldn’t even think about couples counseling until he has had serious treatment for whatever is going on here. Again, this is not a problem you created or participated in, in any way. If a reconciliation were possible at some point down the road, then I think you would need couples counseling to create a new, healthy way forward. But right now, he needs to deal with his stuff, whatever it is, and you need support to cope with the realities you’ve discovered, and to consider a healthy way forward.

      Again, I am just so sorry. Please let me know if we can help in any way.

      Blessings and prayers, Kay

    • Belinda

      Hi there l’ve been living with pornography for 11 years. My daughter came across it when she was printing off some homework on the computer. Initially she hid it. When l was tidying up the living room. I found a pornography story under the big cushions on the settee.
      When l asked him about it. He shrugged it off as nothing. He also used to order the magazines from America and take time off work to read the pornography. As the years went on he used to go on singles website looking for relationships pretending he was younger.
      He used to promise to get counselling. All lies.
      Anyway to cut a very long story short. It’s every day now. I will be filing for divorce. He chats up women on the phone and strike up false relationships; which he still does.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi there, Belinda. I’m so sorry. What a painful, difficult reality. I’m glad you’ve been able to see what’s really going on, and that you’re making healthy choices for yourself. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole! Peace to you, Kay

    • Broken

      I related to your post overwhelmingly… So much so that I find myself in tears with a glass of wine (okay…. bottle) in one hand and wad of toilet paper in the other.

      The outline of your story is lining up with mine so perfectly. I’m at the “FBI’s stealth student” part. I want to know so badly how long it’s been going on. How often. I want to remotely watch his searches. I’ve tried to become tech savvy in order to out smart the master of deceit and internet history deletion.

      My desire for supervising his every move and controlling him is in a battle with the part of me that just wants to forgive, forget and move on. Right now, I’m not sure which is winning.

      I keep asking God to show me what is right. I have my own ideas of what is, what is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it is His will.

      I feel so much shame. My body… what’s wrong with me, what am I doing wrong. Then there is the sin I am consistently committing just to try to gain some aspect of control.

      Shame is debilitating. Sin is death.

      The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.

      How easy it would be if i just threw in the towel. Said “Satan you win. You have won this battle. I’ll move on knowing that one day… Oh one day, my mighty powerful God will destroy you! And I will rejoice!”

      Sin is death. The sin my husband has committed leaves me yearning for my home in heaven.

      Why do we let others sin bother us so? When we are no better then them?

      I don’t know how this chapter will end but I’m trying to hold on to God’s promises.

      Oh, he promised me.

      My husband promised me too at the alter. Before God, our family and friends. Does the Bible not say that a divorce could be granted for such a time as this?

      Doesn’t it also say that I am supposed to love my husband the way God loves me?

      Everything will be okay. I just don’t know how yet.

    • Kay Bruner

      You might be interested in this article entitled, A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. You can love the way God loves you: with boundaries! You can allow your husband to have the consequences of his choices, just as God does us: God never controls us; God simply offers Love and health to us. If we refuse, God allows us to have that choice. We can do the same for others.

    • Holychick

      This was so spot on. Trying to become this other sex woman and then hating yourself. It’s so degrading. We are women who bear children and love and serve a holy God and they promised to love and cherish.
      How can you do that?
      How can you marry and have kids and then commit adultery in your mind?
      It’s cruel.
      So cruel.

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