“And they lived happily ever after…” Cut! End scene. Movie over. They’re married, what more is there? Happily ever after…
Is that so? I’m not sure how many married couples would explain their marriage as “happily ever after.” Not that all marriages are bad, by no means! But marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard.
One growing difficulty in many marriages is the issue of pornography. Everything can seem great until the Mrs. is greeted by a naked image of another woman as she turns on the computer screen or until the Mr. stops showing up to little Jimmy’s games as he sits and watches his computer screen for hours on end. Maybe the Mrs. has gotten into “harmless” romance novels and no longer has the desire for sex, or Mr. finds pornographic messages being sent between his wife and another man via a social network.
It may not be the exact situations above, but if porn is involved anywhere in your marriage (with you, your spouse, or even both of you), then there is no “happily ever after.” Pornography never blesses, it only takes. It never enriches, it only deceives. Porn will not develop anyone, but only put the user (and others) in harms way.
If porn is involved in your marriage, you are not alone. Covenant Eyes reported in their most recent statistics (via MSNBC and a Stanford/Duquesne study): “In 2000, 25 million Americans spent 1 to 10 hours per week viewing Internet pornography, and as many as 4.7 million spent over 11 hours per week viewing Internet pornography.” Of those millions, I cannot imagine how many are married.
I myself have experienced the problem of porn in my marriage. My husband revealed his struggle to me just a few months before we were married and it has been a part of our lives ever since. Not that my husband is actively involved in pornography any longer, but just as alcoholism is a struggle with no cure, so is the addiction to pornography. One sip, one look, and it can be a downhill journey once again.
Worth the Fight
So why try? Does it really hurt your marriage? Is it something worth fighting against if the urges and temptations will always be there and the “happily ever after” doesn’t completely exist?
Yes. One million times, yes! Though this struggle is hard, your marriage is worth it. Just as you would fight hard to prevent alcoholism or drug addiction, fight just as hard against the battle of pornography.
Still not convinced? Here are 5 ways that pornography can hurt your marriage. I pray you take them to heart and know that none of us are immune to the effects.
Way #1:Porn Invites Comparison
Invite anyone into your marriage—past, present, or future—and that person will always be somewhere in your mind. For example: if you have had a sexual partner apart from your spouse, possibly even years before you were married, could sex with your spouse bring that previous relationship back to your mind? Of course it would!No matter how hard we can try to forget the past, it becomes a part of who we are. It becomes an ingrained memory that cannot easily be pushed aside. Are we more than our past? Absolutely. We can change, we can move forward as a new person. But the memories are always there.
Now think of this with pornography. If a man sees an image of a naked woman, what happens when he sees his wife naked in a few hours? Does he not notice that his wife may not have the same computer-generated flawless features? And what about the video he watched of two people having sex? He may begin to believe that sex with his wife is not quite as exciting as the scripted scene he had witnessed before. Romance novels and soft porn can have the very same effects.
I heard once that comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t think it could be explained any better, especially in this situation. Porn invites in comparison. Comparison can take away the joy that we experience in our marriages, specifically in our marriage beds.
Way #2: Porn Encourages Lies
Pornography as a topic is generally avoided. It’s kept behind closed doors (just where Satan likes it) so the habit and addiction can fester and grow. There are marriages where it is freely done and the spouse knows about it (I highly disagree with this as well), but for the most part you will find that the one looking at porn is keeping it under wraps. Lies of any sort can rip a marriage apart, but lies about porn are sneaky ones that often take a while to come out into the open.
Before porn is revealed in a marriage, it can wrap its claws around the aspect of one’s life and cause detrimental harm. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Being trustworthy means honesty with your spouse. Hiding a porn addiction is not only being dishonest, but it’s being untrustworthy. A marriage is built on trust, and without it the marriage will crumble.
Way #3: Porn Lowers Self-Worth
As a psychology and counseling major, I’ve heard the term “self-esteem” quite a bit. It’s thrown around frequently, and while there is truth to it, I like the term “self-worth” a whole lot better. I believe it better encompasses the greater issue. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it is more of a worth issue than one of esteem for ourselves.
I get into this because I believe porn can greatly mess with the self-worth of both a husband and a wife in a marriage, no matter who it is that is struggling with the addiction. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God created us in His image, one that is holy and righteous. But when we sin, or those we love sin against us, we rarely feel anything close to the attributes of holiness and righteousness.
This is most often an issue for the wife whose husband is struggling with porn. In my own experience, and in talking to numerous other wives who have been through this, the question rolling through our minds is “Am I not good enough?” If we know our husbands are looking at other women, it must mean that they don’t think we are enough for them. I might think I am not pretty enough, not sexy enough, or not worthy of love and affection. While the struggle with porn is far greater than what the wife may think, the issue of self-worth is still there.
I would also argue that looking at porn is a self-worth issue for both men and women. When one becomes upset with him/herself, going into “another world” can be an easy escape from reality—one that always appears to fulfill and bring pleasure no matter what the real-life circumstances may be. Just as one may go towards alcohol or drug abuse in situations of frustration and low self-worth, so someone else can turn to porn. Porn starts with low self-worth and ends with low self-worth. Without respect for oneself, a marriage will be brought down. Without knowledge of how you were designed (in God’s image) and without living in light of that knowledge, a marriage will suffer.
Way #4: Porn Robs Us of Intimacy
Porn takes intimacy away. Period. On to the next point…
Just kidding, but really, that sums it up pretty well. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” “Undefiled” means “without stain or blemish.” Porn is a stain. It’s that nasty grass stain that will never come out of a white t-shirt. It can be covered, dyed, washed, and cleaned, but it will always still be there. Porn will defile a marriage bed. It will steal from the intimacy that a married couple has the opportunity to be blessed with. Porn will take sex that a married couple has and completely strip away all holiness and intimacy that it once had. It invites someone else into the sexual relationship, which leads to our next point…
Way #5: Porn is Adultery
Ouch. I debated whether to include this one or not. It’s harsh, it’s hurtful…but it’s truth. Porn is adultery. Matthew 5:28 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” No arguing with that one. Jesus is pretty clear, and you know He already knew about the sin of pornography before it ever came into existence (though I suspect they already had forms of it during this time period). He knew the easy accessibility that the Internet would someday bring. He knew that 47% of families (via Covenant Eyes and Focus on the Family statistics) would have this problem in their home one day.
Looking at another man or woman in lust is adultery. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hard reality, but a truthful one. Porn is adultery and obviously, adultery is a problem in marriage.
God is Bigger
This was a hard post to write. So harsh, so dark, so depressing! Unfortunately, it is all true. These are just five ways that porn will hurt your marriage and unfortunately, there are hundreds more. But I can’t leave you with that!
God redeems (Eph. 1:7). God heals (1 Cor. 10:13). God does miracles (Matt. 17:20). God is bigger (Isaiah 55:8-9). My husband and I are a testament to this. While pornography will always be a struggle and temptation that we will seek to conquer, He has blessed us with an incredible marriage despite the evil that has threatened our relationship. He has healed us from comparing or being fearful of comparison. He has taken away the lies and silence that held my husband for so many years before he told me about his struggle. He has restored our self-worth and made us feel like royal children (as we all are!). He has completely brought back all intimacy that was lost and not only that, has made it better! And He, by far, is greater than any sin of adultery. Satan may try to take us down, but God keeps our marriage up and thriving. We give all the glory to Him and are so blessed by the great things He has done.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
Photo credit: titlap
Thank you for the encouraging and spot on article! I was married for 15 years to a wonderful man…someone I thought was “all that”. But “all that” changed when I found his secret. Anyone (including you Erin) will know that after the “initial” waves of anger, hurt, pain and sorrow once a woman has found her spouse’s secret…she then wants full disclosure. I’m not sure why, but I found MYSELF wanting to know more. The details of which no woman truly “wants” to learn about…it is, after all, disgusting! But the need to know becomes so strong as “she” looks for the reasons why “she” wasn’t enough. Of course now that the “she”, the innocent, has found his secret, he has to go into damage control. Control being the operative word here! His need to hide and discount everything she has just found is as strong as her need for full disclosure. The innocent spouse becomes controlling and demands account passwords. She becomes the FBI’s supreme stealth student; learning all she can about ways to spy on her offender and craftily looks for signs that her offender is acting out. She becomes more attractive, seductive, doing things she would never have before to become that “every woman”. Something of which no woman is able to “be”. The more she tries, the more she begins to hate her own being. The desire to please eventually fades and she falls into a deep depression. The very things she has worked hard to learn and learned to use has only backfired and her controlling, manipulative ways have lead to even more problems in the marriage. There are only two ways to “complete” freedom…the path to my freedom came in the way of my spouse wanting out of the marriage. which at the time came as a huge relief. But then regret.
The other path to freedom is his desire to change and abstain. He has resolved himself to full transparency and full disclosure. Only then can there be intimacy.
Regret? …I still have regret that my marriage to him is over…but the reoccuring nightmares of how it ended and why, are still fresh and never far from my mind.
To all who are reading this…I hope the torment and pain that is still present in my writing comes through…4 years out as X Mrs. 2nd Best. <3
@X MRS. – You are by no means “2nd best.” The fact is no one woman can compete with an online harem of women, all digitally edited to the users least specification, all without their own needs, all existing to cater to the sinful cravings of the man, all catering to his pride and selfishness. Even those whom culture calls “beautiful” can’t be everything to a man entrenched in this problem. Think about it: Tea Leoni, Christie Brinkley, Elin Nordegren, Denise Richards – all of them couldn’t compete with a harem of fantasy women.
Thanks for sharing your story here. I am so sorry things didn’t work out for you and your husband.
I feel your pain, I am going through a lot right now with my husband looking @ porn as well as him looking at other social networks. It is so hurtful that I cannot even begin to describe my pain. I have lost total trust and I feel as if my marriage is going to end all because of this. I have come to the point where I don’t know what else to do, I have spoken to him about it, but I know deep in my heart it is not going to change. I am beyond hurt and I cannot find any way to make myself feel better. I have been tempted to just give up and move on because this is not the first time. This is such as difficult decision. :(
Hi Gee,
How tragic! Before you completely give up on your marriage, we have two free e-books you need to read. The first is Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives, which gives practical tips for healing your relationship. The other is Hope After Porn, which compiles four stories of wives whose husbands used porn (and in some cases actually acted out in person), but who eventually found healing and reconciliation for their marriages. I hope both of these e-books bring you hope!
OMG You described me. Woud you do it again in this manner? Any words of Christian wisdom would be greatly appreciated. AJ. in Cold Colorado
I don’t mean to be a problem for any of you ladies but I hear many of you talking about how bad and hurtful your husbands are because of their porn addiction with very little compassion whatsoever. Your husband is certainly wrong for watching porn but sin taints the entire human race. Some people are more prone to lust, others to drunkenness. What are you prone to? No sin is greater than another and because you also are a sinner you should have more compassion for other sinners. Yet, we human beings would rather gossip about someone else’s faults to make ourselves feel more awesome than we actually are.
I am so sorry your marriage ended:( I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years now and just found out his secret last night… I’ve had a “feeling” for a while but just got confirmation last night. I want to leave.. but then again I made a vow to God and my kids.. idk what to do. I’m feeling very sick about this. My heart is broken for you. You will be in my prayers.</3
Hey Elena, I wonder if you’ve checked out our free download, Hope After Porn? Several women talk about their boundaries in recovery. It’s such a difficult issue to face, and sadly, leaving may be the best option for some people. As you think through your options, you might appreciate the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’d also suggest counseling as an option, and the American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a counselor in your area. Have a look at those things and let me know how else we can help. Blessings, Kay
Thanks so much for these blogs…I’ve been married 3 weeks and my husband won’t touch me!! I recently searched his phone history and discovered he has been looking at a lot of porn. How do I get him to come clean with me. I want our marriage to work, I had no idea of this addiction before hand…as we agreed not to have sex before marriage.
Kelly, I am so, so, so sorry for this. How heart-breaking! And how brave of you to reach out for help here.
This sounds like a very severe issue to me, that requires serious intervention and serious boundaries, and I’m just so impressed with you for being so honest and willing to look at what’s really going on here.
The lack of consummation speaks to me of either severe erectile dysfunction, severe emotional dysfunction, or possibly some other sexual dysfunction, no doubt all wound up in his porn use. Whatever the issue is here, it’s highly unusual and serious.
My advice to you may sound harsh at this moment, but here it is. For several reasons, I think you might want to consider an immediate separation.
1. He needs help, and he needs it now. He needs it from sources other than yourself. You didn’t make this problem, and you can’t solve it. If you’re ever going to have a healthy marriage, this needs to be dealt with first. It needs to be dealt with BY HIM.
2. He may have other underlying issues that he’s tried to mask by marriage. Whatever those are, he needs to sort them out and make healthy decisions.
3. Legally, you are most likely eligible for an annulment at this point. Here’s what I’ve learned about annulment recently. If you discover “false pretenses” and separate immediately, you keep the option of annulment open for yourself. If you remain cohabiting with him, you will not have annulment as an option later on. Should it prove true that he can’t or won’t deal with whatever the problem is, you’d be left with divorce as your only option.
My best hope for this situation would be that he would accept your separation as a clear sign that he needs to get help. Ideally, he would get that help, work through his problems, and you’d be able to reunite and move forward.
However, this situation is so unusual and serious that I think it would be wise for you to keep all your options open.
I would suggest that you look for a therapist in your area, who might be able to provide you with more help and guidance as you decide how to proceed.
I wouldn’t even think about couples counseling until he has had serious treatment for whatever is going on here. Again, this is not a problem you created or participated in, in any way. If a reconciliation were possible at some point down the road, then I think you would need couples counseling to create a new, healthy way forward. But right now, he needs to deal with his stuff, whatever it is, and you need support to cope with the realities you’ve discovered, and to consider a healthy way forward.
Again, I am just so sorry. Please let me know if we can help in any way.
Blessings and prayers, Kay
Hi there l’ve been living with pornography for 11 years. My daughter came across it when she was printing off some homework on the computer. Initially she hid it. When l was tidying up the living room. I found a pornography story under the big cushions on the settee.
When l asked him about it. He shrugged it off as nothing. He also used to order the magazines from America and take time off work to read the pornography. As the years went on he used to go on singles website looking for relationships pretending he was younger.
He used to promise to get counselling. All lies.
Anyway to cut a very long story short. It’s every day now. I will be filing for divorce. He chats up women on the phone and strike up false relationships; which he still does.
Hi there, Belinda. I’m so sorry. What a painful, difficult reality. I’m glad you’ve been able to see what’s really going on, and that you’re making healthy choices for yourself. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole! Peace to you, Kay
I related to your post overwhelmingly… So much so that I find myself in tears with a glass of wine (okay…. bottle) in one hand and wad of toilet paper in the other.
The outline of your story is lining up with mine so perfectly. I’m at the “FBI’s stealth student” part. I want to know so badly how long it’s been going on. How often. I want to remotely watch his searches. I’ve tried to become tech savvy in order to out smart the master of deceit and internet history deletion.
My desire for supervising his every move and controlling him is in a battle with the part of me that just wants to forgive, forget and move on. Right now, I’m not sure which is winning.
I keep asking God to show me what is right. I have my own ideas of what is, what is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it is His will.
I feel so much shame. My body… what’s wrong with me, what am I doing wrong. Then there is the sin I am consistently committing just to try to gain some aspect of control.
Shame is debilitating. Sin is death.
The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.
How easy it would be if i just threw in the towel. Said “Satan you win. You have won this battle. I’ll move on knowing that one day… Oh one day, my mighty powerful God will destroy you! And I will rejoice!”
Sin is death. The sin my husband has committed leaves me yearning for my home in heaven.
Why do we let others sin bother us so? When we are no better then them?
I don’t know how this chapter will end but I’m trying to hold on to God’s promises.
Oh, he promised me.
My husband promised me too at the alter. Before God, our family and friends. Does the Bible not say that a divorce could be granted for such a time as this?
Doesn’t it also say that I am supposed to love my husband the way God loves me?
Everything will be okay. I just don’t know how yet.
You might be interested in this article entitled, A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. You can love the way God loves you: with boundaries! You can allow your husband to have the consequences of his choices, just as God does us: God never controls us; God simply offers Love and health to us. If we refuse, God allows us to have that choice. We can do the same for others.
This was so spot on. Trying to become this other sex woman and then hating yourself. It’s so degrading. We are women who bear children and love and serve a holy God and they promised to love and cherish.
How can you do that?
How can you marry and have kids and then commit adultery in your mind?
It’s cruel.
So cruel.
Thank you for this great article. Marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard. If we think depth about this then must we will create a much more long live happy married life..
I feel just like Gee but my husband try to blame me to give him more attention . I have in the past and it happen again I know it not me and told him he cannot turn it around he need to do something with this problem or it the end because my trust is gone
This is my first time on this page. & my different. I want to be with my wife so bad but right from the start we got married she didn’t want to touch me and when we did come together it was more as an obligation then in need or want, like I had for her. I started why did she marry me. before we got married we came together like a rabbit’s he couldn’t get enough of each other she was my everything that’s why I wanted to marry her I didn’t need anything from anyone because you fulfill me. but as soon as we got married nothing. Honeymoon did not evolve any sex. that’s how I got involved in porn.
Thanks for sharing something so personal and painful. We have terrible, terrible problems with sexuality in the Christian world. We suffer from lack of real education, from overspiritualization, from unreal expectations and an inability to have a real conversation about our sexuality–just to get started with a few problems we have around sexuality. There are so many possibilities for what’s happening in your relationship, but you’re probably going to need help to figure it out.
My advice would be, seek help from a good, experienced counselor. There are directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors and also Psychology Today, where you can read biographies of counselors and find someone in your area who has experience helping clients with sexual dysfunction in marriage.
I’m a counselor myself, and I sometimes have clients who come in after years and years of marriage, telling a story similar to yours, and it’s so sad. You don’t have to suffer for years. Get help now!
Blessings, Kay
I would just like to say …me and my wife both Christian and married successful 34 yrs ….we both are friends and still in love …how long have we watched porn …all of it ..however its not for everyone.. it to me is no worse than self satisfaction or doing what we all do ..and look …so to the ladies who are considering divorce over porn …please reconsider. .there will be alot bigger struggles …than porn to deal with …pray about it As peter found out God can make clean that which is unclean ..it may be intent and many other things God looks to and not so much to the letter .i believe God is way more fair than we are when it comes to the knats . physical. ..and the boards may have been the sins of the ..heart ..more difficult
At any rate do what you feel Gods is saying not what your young challenges of insecurities …and then by all means do what you believe Gods heart soeaks to your heart …but please understand people are human and need understanding. ..and grace …
Hello, Robert – I want to leave a challenge for you. Take a moment and image yourself flat on your face in the presence of God. He asks you about your life and you tell Him that throughough your entire marriage you and your wife watched porn, masturbated, and fantasized about intimacy with other people. What would be His response? I just can’t image that as being “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy” in His eyes. Please consider my words.
Peace,
Chris
Please pray for my husband’s addiction to porn. He is Christian but he sees nothing wrong in watching porn and pleasuring himself. I am falling apart, praying to God every day. Please pray for my marriage, and that my husband is enlightened by God – that he realizes that porn is not good, that God wants him to stop. Please pray that God gives him wisdom and strength to stop wishing for and watching porn! :( Thank you. God bless you all.
This is a great article! I just ran into a minor porn issue with my husband, and I sent this article to his phone and he understood the damage that porn can do. I thank God for websites like these. Be blessed!
Thanks, GodsChild!
I know how you feel. My husband started looking at porn after I had breast cancer and had to go through a mastectomy. I didn’t know and was surprised because he was very supportive through everything. He didn’t tell me I walked in on him looking on the computer for porn sites. He says he stopped but he doesn’t feel he did anything wrong either. I feel like I can’t trust him because he hide it so long (over 10 years) and because he doesn’t think it’s wrong. I have been praying a lot to help him but also to help me to understand that it’s not me.
Am am a 51 year old male that has more recently started viewing porn to keep myself sane. I would 100 times prefer to be intimate with my wife but she is not interested. Have tried everything I know to encourage intimacy. Even spending thousands on romantic getaways besides little things on a daily / weekly basis. Have gone to Christian counceling of her choosing and after many sessions the councelor told me privately he could not see going any further because that even though I really put forth a really good faith effort toward working on my own self and my marriage my wife however only complains and doesn’t view herself as needing to make any changes. He told me privately that if most of the wives he councels had husbands like me their marriages would be much better. After my wife was not told what she wanted to hear she quit the counceling and refuses to see any more. I know what I am doing is wrong and God desires us to be together sexually, but my physical needs are overwhelming especially because I am very attracted to my wife. When I view pornography I purposely search out women who look and remind me of her. At this point I have come to the conclusion that the porn is bad for me because it is enabling me to stay in a bad marriage by taking the edge off my sexual urges rather than getting the courage to leave. I am against divorce so it seems at this time like the lesser of 2 evils. I would appreciate any criticisim or advice for me in my situation.
Sam
I am no expert but i see you are 51. Assuming your wife is near your age could she be going through the change? Menopause causes some most embarrassing things. It can also cause a complete lack of sexual desire. Intimacy is lost. The natural feelings of excitement and desire stop. There is just simply no interest. It can also cause things to happen or not happen to a womans body that makes sex painful in some ways. Love has nothing to do with it. She may even know of your new habit but because she cant engage she chooses to look the other way. It is not in her to hurt or deprive you. She needs your understanding and patience more than anything. Once she gets past it her desire will probably return. Women connect emotionally. If her emotions are in turmoil no matter what the cause then sex is not a desire. It may not be her. It may not be her fault. And it certainly isnt you from the sound of your letter.
before my husband and I got married I knew he had this problem and did not want to marry him because I did not want to struggle like my mother did with my father (been divorce) my husband did not give up so easily and I gave him a shot but made it very CLEAR I will not accept this and he told me he throw it all away. Will after 3 years now 8 years married) I found out he was looking at this trash and I was PISSED off and confronted him and then it lead to him talking and going out with real women. We both had filed for divorce but here we are still married with a daughter that is 3 but my question is how do I trust him again? I have cried till I had no more tears to cry to Our Lord and here we are 8 years married and I still don’t trust him at all. It hurts me so much and I’m dying inside.
Hi anjelita. What your husband has done to you is deplorable. I’m so sorry you have experienced this.
Trust can only be rebuilt if he manifests trustworthy behavior. Talk is cheap. He needs to show that he is trustworthy by taking all the steps he can to show you he is distancing himself from porn, other women, and all other kinds of infidelity. These are steps he needs to take. He needs to show you he is surrounding himself with the support he needs to quit this habit. He needs to show you that he’s fighting for your marriage. That is the only way trust is rebuilt.
You should not get tired praying for him. The bible says the un believing husband will b sanctified by the believing wife. Jesus died,tht habit cannot survive-JEHSONGS
I am a somewhat newly married young woman. We have been married just about a year, and have a baby son. Today, when my husband went to take his shower for work, I opened the bathroom door(As we both often do if one of us wants to ask the other a question and we know we’re just in the shower or something.)anyway, I went in with the intent of asking my husband if he wanted me to fix him some breakfast before work. What meets my eyes on his iPhone, is the “Paused” screen of what looked like naked women. In fact, I knew I saw A LOT of skin. I knew that he was watching porn, also by the shocked look he had on his face. He wasn’t “Enjoying” himself, but he had it on as he was about to get ready to go in the shower so I assume he probably planned to. We ended up having a confrontation. I told him my personal beliefs on how I don’t feel porn is necessary when he has a faithful, willing wife at home. In any case, before he left for work, he grabbed my hands, and looked into my eyes and sincerely apologized. He told me the porn wasn’t worth it. He told me he didn’t want me to have to catch him watching that, and that he did not want me to feel that he didn’t want me. I was very happy to hear this. I know that look in his eyes, and only a couple of other times when apologizing over something I felt was wrong has he looked at me with guilt like that. I accepted his apology. I highly doubt he’ll watch it again after seeing how badly it hurt me. We are very young, I’m almost 20 and he is 23. I didn’t mention our age earlier because I didn’t want excuses made for him as people so often do for younger men. We were engaged OVER 2 years before being married and having a baby, so in that time; if he didn’t want to commit to marriage he had time to decide he didn’t want it. We both talked early in our relationship about marriage and children at a younger age. So nobody felt “forced” into marriage in this case. I guess I told everyone here about this because I wanted some women to see this, and realize that some men DO make this mistake, for whatever reason, but DON’T INTEND to hurt their wives. However, I made it clear to him that it did. I’m pretty sure he knows that if I ever catch him watching porn AFTER he apologized the way he did, there will be a serious point in our young marriage. I always believe that even if I don’t catch him doing something, his guilt will sooner or later add up. And in fact, he had been acting a bit strange and col the past couple days. He admitted he was watching it, but that he doesn’t look at those women and compare me to them. In a way, it bothered me to think of the man I married as a ‘typical’ young man, with no respect for women. He told me that I am not like other girls, I did not marry and have a child with the wrong man. I hope this is the last of our pornography issues. I will do my absolute best to let go and move on from this incident.
Also, maybe it is worth adding we haven’t had any issues with intimacy. A man can be satisfied and still do this. It hurts, and is a low thing to do. We have a great intimate life. So I’m not sure what to blame for this, but I do hope we can move on from this.
Thanks for sharing your story. Of course, many men can make a firm commitment not to look at porn and are successful. I pray that is true of your husband.
Hi I am in a situation at the moment where my boyfriend of 2 yrs has been watching pornography. While he was honest about it in the past when I’ve questioned him he has recently lied about it. The first time I spoke I asked him to tell me when we he failed and he assured me he had it under control.
He recently added me as his ‘accountability partner’ for an app that monitors porn websites. What he didn’t realise is the app backdated activity and that’s how I found out! I’m at the point where I think the right thing to do is end it. I feel the trust is gone and it hurts me too much.
What are your thoughts?
Ending a marriage is a drastic step. Be aware there are steps you can take before this happens.
First of all you must understand tht wht he is doing is a weakness he has. So wait patiently on God may be you are the strength for him to overcome tht weakness,bt remember you also hv a weakness in one way or the other. We need God all of us
Thanks Luke, luckily we aren’t married yet. I’ve decided that he needs to work on this by himself. If its Gods will he will guide us back together
I am not sure this will even be seen since the other posts are a bit older. I came across this site as I was searching for answers and am having a hard time leaving it without commenting.
I am having the same problem many of you are. Before we married I knew my husband viewed porn occasionally. I knew because he would call me a day or two after and say how guilty he felt and he wanted me to know. Fast forward eight years. I know he views porn. When his work schedule allows it, on a fairly regular basis. He has a bikini girl calendar hanging in his office. A few years ago we went to counseling and this issue was brought up multiple times. He would scoff, get mad, and his defense was that all guys did it, it is a guys right to do it. He never seems/ed to care how deeply it hurts me. I am afraid to bring it up yet again because I know he will get mad and defensive. I hate the thought of living like this for the rest of my life but am too prideful and scared to do anything more about it.
Hi Rebekah,
So sorry to hear about this in your life. It is awful when a man trounces all over his wife’s heart in this way.
Your husband is right about one thing: all (or at least most) guys do look at porn. He’s wrong that this justifies using it. The fact that he’s scoffed at the idea of quitting, especially in front of a third party, tells me he’s not ready to give it up at all. He believes this is just what men do.
You have a choice to make: You can either continue living with things as they are (including the tension), or you can choose to practice some tough love with him. I highly recommend you read “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask,” especially part 3 of the series. I also recommend you read, “When Love Has to Get Tough: 5 Steps for Wives of Porn Addicts.”
Once you read this, write back and let me know what’s going through your mind.
My relationship with my husband is also suffering from similar issues, the difference is that my husband had asked my permission. We have not recovered from my bilateral mastectomy well. He’s tried to hide his lack of desire for me, but now had become desperate enough to ask me saying he doesn’t want me to hurt because its not because of me. The intimacy left for the most part as he has his this from me, until he disappeared one night to go to a strip club and asked me to join him because he really wants to look but admits to his own shame in feeling this need, I’m afraid to say no.
Oh, Nikole. Those four sentences just break my heart. What a huge burden of suffering you have both borne in this situation. To me as a therapist, I can draw a straight line from the trauma and distress of your illness and surgery, to your husband’s need to escape that enormous weight of emotion with acting out sexually. This is, unfortunately, one of the “acceptable” ways for men to deal with trauma in our culture. It’s not a solution, though; just a way to stop feeling all those distressing feelings temporarily.
My reading of this situation would be that he is terrified that you’re going to die. And being intimate both physically and emotionally is very difficult for him to bear right now, so he’s turning to something that’s easier to bear. Physically, arousal makes him feel good for a while. And emotionally, he’s creating this whole other mess for you guys to be upset about, when I really think it’s the mastectomy that he needs to process.
The best possible scenario, I think, would be for him to go to therapy and process through the emotions he’s dealing with as a result of your illness. Using porn and going to strip clubs is never going help him heal. It’s just going to create more stress and trauma and shame for him, as well as making things more stressful in your relationship together. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to start looking for someone local to you.
Blessings, Kay
How did you and your husband get through it? Did you both seek help/counseling? Or was is all through steps you took by yourselves/with each other?
Reading this article has really helped me. I’ve been married 5 years and have found porn on my husband’s phone several times. He knows that I feel like him watching it is the same as cheating. Recently I found tons of pages on his phone. He bold faced lied to me even after I showed it to him. Blamed pop up ads and spam. He swore and promised that he didn’t do it that the phone just had a mind of its own. I am not an idiot. It has broke my heart, my trust in him, and my spirit. I’m only 35 and have been open to anything and never rejected him, although he had rejected me too many times to count! He isn’t interested in sex with me but he watches porn, or his phone does. Not funny btw. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m blonde, tall, thin. I’ve toned, dressed sexier, etc…. Trying to grab his attention and no reaction? He says I’m pretty and he’s lucky to have me. So what’s wrong with me? Please add any comments to help me through this or understand. I see this as cheating and my marriage is on the rocks and he doesn’t understand why! I would normally never take a chance to post anything on the Internet but I’m out of options. Thank you for this article and I’m downloading the ebook now. Signed, dangling by a thread :(
I think you are right to be suspicious. I know computers and phones can do wonky things, but multiple pages of porn is not likely due to popups.
Speaking as a man (a man who regretfully used to watch a lot of porn), on a surface level, one woman cannot compare to porn because porn is a fantasy experience. Kasey, you might be gorgeous by any of society’s standards, but a lot of beautiful women are asking the same question: “What’s wrong with me? Why is he still looking at porn when he could have me?” Internet porn allows a man to look at hundreds of women, as much as he wants, looking however he wants, doing whatever he wants. It’s like a woman in a harem of 1000 women trying to convince her husband that he should only have sex with her. What the man is drawn to is the variety, the novelty, and the 100% customization of the experience. He may love real sex, of course, but in the end real women aren’t as clickable and customizable as porn.
Plus, porn is solo-sex. Porn promises pleasure without the work of actually pleasing or knowing another person. It is easy pleasure. No romance is involved. Porn conditions a man to love the cheap thrill over the long haul of love-making.
I say this to shame men. Porn makes a guy feel like a man without requiring him to really be one. He can imagine he’s having sex with the hottest girl on the planet, filling his brain with all sorts of pleasure hormones, but in the end it is all a lie. He knows its a lie, of course. It’s like watching professional wrestling: the viewer knows its fake but he’s asking to be fooled, to suspend reality so he can be entertained for a brief period of time.
Men should not live in fantasy. They should make love in reality, pleasing the women they’ve married.
All that said, there are reasons why men escape into porn (beyond just the obvious). For some men, they crave the fantasy of respect, where they feel man enough to merit the dream girl. For other men, they love the feeling of intimacy without the risks of rejection. For some, porn is their big stress reliever, their refuge. For others, it is their way of “rewarding” themselves, something they give feel like they are owed for all the sacrifices they make. Men who want to quit often can’t just quit cold-turkey without first examining their underlying reasons for going after porn.
For many, porn is a true addiction, something that has messed with their chemistry of their brains enough to where they feel actual withdrawal symptoms. This is not something that just goes away. It takes work.
Either way, you should find support for yourself in the midst of all of this. Do you have any friends, a pastor, a spiritual leader, or a counselor you can talk to right now?
Luke, thank you for your response! I greatly appreciate it. I have both a male and a female friend that I confide in. The female friend says she agrees that it isn’t right but I feel like she is more on his side. My male friend says to pack his crap and send him down the road. I’m so torn. I tried showing him this page (without my comment) and he refused all denying he had done nothing wrong. It’s sad but a strangers opinion right now means more than anything. My friends haven’t been in this situation and I’m truly torn. I know in my heart that he looked those sites up and he continues to lie to me. I have (with his consent) blocked mature sites from his phone now. This isn’t fixing me and the hurt that I’ve endured. I don’t know where to go from here. Again, thank you for responding!
If he continues to deny that he’s actually watched porn, there are a few courses thoughts to keep in mind. Chances are good that he actually is looking at porn (it’s not just a glitch), in which case he will be found out again. It’s only a matter of time before you find more evidence.
How was the phone blocked? Does he know how to unblock it? What kind of phone is it?
As more evidence surfaces, you are right to approach him about it and tell him that you don’t believe him. (Perhaps you feel like you’ve already reached that point.) Kicking him to the curb may not be the answer, but putting up clear boundaries with him is important. He needs to know that you don’t tolerate it. Since he’s claiming he didn’t nothing wrong, this shouldn’t even be a point of contention for him.
I meant to ask you, as a former addict, do you have an opinion as why he is lying to me? Thanks again!
Addicts (all sinners, really) are liars. We don’t just lie to others, we lie to ourselves. We begin to believe our own lies. We want to believe everything is okay even when it isn’t okay.
For you, I think it would be really good to sit down and think about how best to respond to his sexual betrayal. Without a support system, this can be really tough, but I think it is worth it. There is an excellent video series (and its free) you might like to watch called “True Betrayal.” The Christian counselor who does this series talks a lot to wives who are in the same position as you are in. These videos will really help you to think critically about how to handle this situation. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Thanks again for replying. I blocked his phone through Verizon parental controls. I even tried the sites to be sure they blocked in front of him. I have still tried to touch on this subject and he continues to deny it. I spoke to a therapist today and she is going to meet with us pending him agreeing. I told him I spoke to her and he just huffed it off to avoid answering. I’ll check out thelinks I just want the truth regardless. The lying is just adding to my grief. Thank you so much!
My pleasure, Kasey. I think it is good for you to visit a therapist about this, even if he is unwilling.
Is Porn Allowed in Sex with ur Partner?
“Allowed”? If you’re asking from a Christian perspective, I would say no. If you lust after another person while making love to your spouse, it is sinful. Pornography seems to encourage that very thing.
I am
That was one of my sins. When my wife did not give me what i wanted sexually i turned to porn…i ask God to help me with what I am doing simply because my wife is not interested period..but i know my flesh has its need and im not going to lie even if i dont want to feel it. ..but thats life for ya…it sucks…what else you gonna do…i hate it because i would have to pray when i am in a horny state which i think its disrespectfull to go to God with anyways..have faith that God will turn this around..and work on your sins…be patient that all i can do..or anyone else…i guess….
I am in my 60s, been married 39 years. Many years of hell with a man that was emotional, physically and verbally abusive. We separated for 4 years then through counseling got back together. Now were surrounded by grandchildren that depend on Grandma and Grandpa. The problem is that my husband had never looked at another woman, or cheated as far as I have been told. But the last three years I have found porn magaziness hidden in his truck, He denied that and said it belonged to one of his friends when they went on a hunting trip, Now just recently I found that he has been on the internet looking at other women.porn I have also found pics of naked women on his work cell phone that someone had sent to him, I felt that something was not right and ran a history scan on both computers. I also went through all his phone pics and messages. . I am pissed and hurt. I don’t find him the least bit attractive now.. I see him as a dirty old man.!! Repulsive, .He denied everything..then he finally confessed that he was just curious and wanted to look. He disrespects me. He is verbally abusive. He does have severe health issues and is bipolar. He also has ED. I have stuck by his side through all his illness since we have been back together for 16 years, I am now at my wits end with him. I do not have a lot of options and my family, children and grandchildren depend on me to help them,, I stay at home to watch my grandchildren while my children work. I sacrificed a lot and gave up my career of 32 years to take care of my family, My husband is also retired,, I don’t know if is should just look the other way and walk away,, HELP
Hi Jane. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. It sounds like his porn problem is just another aspect of the many issues he’s failed to deal with over the course of many years. I wonder if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s several women telling their stories of their boundaries in recovery.
I’d also highly recommend the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’m sure you already know that you’re not going to be able to change his behavior; he is responsible for his own choices. Boundaries are about you being responsible for your own choices, too.
We often hear stories of marriages restored, and those are wonderful. We hope to support and encourage reconciliation where it is healthy. But I am also equally blessed when I hear of women who were able to walk away from abusive marriages, and find healing for themselves, even when their spouses were unable to make similarly healthy choices.
You might find support for yourself through the following: a local counselor through the directory at The American Association of Christian Counselors; Celebrate Recovery; Divorce Care.
Look through those resources and let me know if you have further questions. blessings, Kay
What about watching porn with spouse together? Here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stacey-nelkin/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968.html author wrote it’s a good idea. It’s difficult to judge.
Thanks for the post, Mark. Let me see if I can respond to this article’s points one by one.
1. I don’t disagree that watching porn is a shared experience. The question is whether it is a good one.
2. I don’t disagree that it is an easy way to learn about your partner’s fantasies. The question is whether there are other better ways that don’t involved the added problems.
3. I don’t disagree that it can speed up foreplay. The question is whether it is a good way to do that.
4. I don’t disagree that it shatters the idea that you should only be attracted to your mate. I think calling this a “myth,” however, skirts the issue. It is one thing to say I, as a man, am attracted to women. It is another thing for me to get horny over them and purposefully get sexually aroused by them. One is a disposition of my sexual nature. The other is a choice I make.
5. If one gets to watch all the porn they want while having sex, I don’t disagree that it MAY lessen a person’s desire to commit adultery. But that only ignores the fact that using pornography is engaging with a digital prostitute, and is therefore already a form of seeking sexual pleasure outside a committed relationship.
I have been desperately miserable for almost 4 years after discovering my husband had been lying to me about his porn addiction for 10 years. I had found something on the computer many years ago so was always suspicious but he was such a convincing liar, I believed it was just a ‘one time silly little thing’ like he kept telling me. Then 4 years ago, he was being abusive about the whole issue and when I phoned him the next day he said “Ok, it was twice” so I left. I stayed away until he confessed it had been many years, he’d stopped the computer 3-4 years ago, but had carried on with other images etc. I nearly didn’t come back but was so confused and had our children to think of. I did come back and it has been utter hell. There is no more porn (I do believe that and besides, only I have the passwords for the computer and he only uses it in front of me and has a basic cellphone with disconnected internet). The issue is that I am so completely traumatised by his lying. We tried counselling, didn’t help. I also had a drip fed confession with other lies that just made it a million times worse. Now I feel humanly unable to trust him. The worst thing about all of this is this….I am sick with a chronic illness. After many years of hard work, I had it in remission. But all of this stress has brought on the worst relapse I’ve had in many years and now I am very sick because of what he’s done! How can I carry on with this person as my ‘husband’ when he has literally destroyed my whole entire life and stolen my precious health too. I am extremely sensitive to him lying and we keep having these big ugly scenes when I think he’s lying. I cannot now see how I can ever trust this person again, and I have absolutely nothing left in me to give him. I am sick, exhausted and feel completely and utterly trapped. I am too sick to leave and support my children without him without a drastic decrease in wellbeing for them as I would have to go on a tiny benefit of basically no $. After nearly 4 years, I would’ve hoped it would be better. It isn’t. We can’t leave the house without me being terrified he is looking at some woman. Every day I wake up and realise I am living a nightmare, and my body is thumping in pain as a tortureous reminder that his porn stole my health.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re in–emotionally and physically. I can well understand how the stress of this situation has brought on a relapse of your illness, and I’m so sorry for that. I’m a counselor, and it sounds to me like you’d really benefit from counseling FOR YOURSELF. I think you need to be heard, I think your grief needs to be honored and processed. I think you need some emotional rest before you’ll be able to deal with the details of the situation. Right now it seems like your emotions are so raw that those feelings cloud the whole picture. And that is okay! It’s a part of the grief process! I just don’t want to see you get stuck there forever. So find a good, safe counselor and dump it all out, feel through it with someone who cares about you, and then see what you’ve got. I’d recommend checking the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area. Let me know what you think, and please write in with more questions as they come. Blessings, Kay
Read “The Four Agreements” Relationships are “at will.” If any of you would be more happy or content without your porn-seeking spouses, perhaps you should consider this option. Otherwise, realize that things are okay without trying to change the situation. Isn’t it obvious that if you are unhappy, then, you need to seek happiness? Isn’t it just as ludicrous for your spouse to demand that you become more acception of his/her lifestyle and to “change your way of thinking” so that you can accept what is instead of what you would prefer? Seems like a no-brainer to me…
Hey, is good I inform all the men and guys out there that sometime we all make mistake in our relationship and made our relationship to be broken and is also our responsibility to make it work by seeking for solution to it, I’m very happy today to tell you little of my relationship problem, i cheated once on my wife and she caught me and she was ready to end our marriage because i truly love her i quickly seek for solution to stop her that is when i came across Prophet Iyare temple who has help so many people restore their broken marriage and relationship i also contact him today my marriage is restored, I’m going to drop his contact so that does having the same issues can contact him for solution on (iyareyaresolutiontemple at gmail. com)
My husband and I have been married for 3 months now. He left this weekend to attend a coaches convention in Waco. This is our first time to be apart since we’ve been married. I was on my laptop the other day and found a porn site listed in the “frequently visited” tab. I asked him to call me and he apologized and admitted that he has been watching porn for the last couple of weeks. I accepted his apology but for some reason I’m still upset.
He had a porn addiction that started when he was a teenager, which he opened up about while we were dating. While we were engaged he came to me on two different accounts coming clean and asking for help because he had been struggling. Probably about four months before our wedding he called me on the phone one night, and he was so excited. After watching a pornographic video, he told me, he cried out to God for healing because he did not want this demon, especially heading into a marriage. God revealed to him that he needed to show that he was serious. So he threw away anything that had internet access with the exception of his school laptop (which was checked out to him). It may seem a little drastic, but he knew that he needed to remove all forms of temptation. That night he was completely free from it for the first time in years.
I am fortunate that my husband believes porn to be along the lines of adultery and I do not doubt his relationship with God. I know how hard that addiction can be because I was almost addicted myself when I was younger. Each time he has opened up I have prayed and made sure my responses are loving and supportive as that’s how I’d want him to respond if the roles were reversed. I tried to make sure my response was the same this time, but for some reason I feel more emotionally unstable than before. I feel confused (why would this happen again, why would he hide it when I have shown him that I will support him), I feel hurt and scared (what if this becomes a reoccurring thing in our marriage, what if our recent intimacy was more about just getting off or living one of those fantasies), and I’m a little bit mad (he used my computer to do this, and broke my trust). I did not feel this way when he admitted to it before. I’m wondering if maybe it’s because we’re married now and have been together in that way or perhaps because I found it on my own this time rather than him telling me.
I love my husband dearly and I have no intention of giving up. I know in my heart that it’s not my fault and the lie that “I’m not enough” isn’t true, but it’s very easy to let those thoughts bounce around in your head. He comes home tomorrow and I’m trying to find the words that I’m going to say and see how I can help him. I’m not really sure what I’m asking but I feel like I need both advice and prayer.
Hey there.
Well, I think you’re mad and confused because he’s not doing his part! You’ve been accepting and helpful, but he’s still hiding and lying. You’re doing your part, but he’s not doing his. The truth is, you CAN lose your relationship over this if he doesn’t do his part. And that is a terrible thing to contemplate.
Maybe he thought that when he “got serious” and got rid of temptation, that he wouldn’t have to do anything else. I think time has shown otherwise, and he needs to step up his responsibility game.
I think it’s time for you to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. I’d also suggest reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
Here’s our listing of more resources for wives.
There are lots of resources for your husband here, and I hope he will take advantage of them. Your Brain on Porn is a good place to start reading.
I hope those things help. Let us know if you have more questions.
Blessings, Kay
I’m 21 and pregnant with my fiancé. I found out he was watching porn two days after he proposed to me and I was already pregnant. He lied over and over about what he actually watches. He started off saying it was instructionall videos, then said he only watched it 3 times, and so many more lies. So eventually he finally admitted to more I can’t say everything because I really don’t know after all the lies. Anyways, it really hurts because I never felt more loved by anyone else. He would tell me all the time how I was his dream girl (we knew each other from high school) and he told me he always wanted me but never thought he’d have a chance. I felt like we were meant to be. I felt like God made him for me and me for him. I never loved a man so much. Now I feel like I have this giant belly and I saw his favorite porn video and it was of this girl Veronica Rodriguez who is extremely skinny with very small breasts. And now that I’m pregnant I have huge breasts and am obviously not skinny anymore and I just feel like even after I have the baby i cant be as skinny as that girl. I would have to starve myself to look like that and I feel like I’m just criticizing and hurting myself telling myself every day how ugly and fat I am and constantly comparing myself to other pretty girls that we see when we walk together thinking he’s doing the same thing. Sex is just sad… all I could think about it how ugly I must look to him after seeing the type of girls he would look and touch himself to everyday. I wake up and go to sleep thinking of it. Its been about a month or two now and I still can’t seem to get over it. I read so many articles as to why men do it and how to get over it but it’s so hard. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed about it and I do have my good days where I feel happy but it all comes back at night. Sometimes it gets worse when I see how he follows these types of woman on social media and I’ve even started trying to think of my ex or a new man just to make myself feel better and I know it’s wrong… i try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I can seem to push the thoughts of sadness, anger, self hate, out. I just don’t know what to do. I tried to break up and I told him we can just go on a break and I won’t see anyone else I just want you to work on yourself as I work on myself and he doesn’t want that he starts crying and saying how he hates himself and he even said it shouldve been him who died when his friend passed away from a motorcycle accident… so of course I stayed and now I just can’t seem to find happiness in our relationship the way I used to. I used to be so happy with him that no matter what happened I still felt comfortable in him. My brother passed away from drug overdose a year ago and I was able to remain positive and stay strong of course with God’s comfort but with my fiances as well. Now I can’t find comfort with him from him… i just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get over this please help me
Hey Gina. I am so, so sorry. Many women in this situation will meet the criteria for PTSD, and most get so little help. I would say, you need a counselor who can help you process your pain and decide on healthy boundaries. A group might also be helpful. And there’s an online community called Bloom that offers classes, discussion groups, and lots of resources. Make sur eyou take care of you, no matter what he chooses.
Hi,
I’m in the same place as many here,
My husband and I have been married almost 18 years, I’m 37 and he’s 42
He’s been watching porn all throughout our marriage, I usually find out about once a year that he’s back at it, when I catch him.
I have all the filters on our computer etc, but this time last year he went and bought an iPad just for his ‘own use’ and hid it, until I arrived home early one day!
He knows how hurt it makes me feel, I feel worthless, ugly, not good enough….the list goes on….
I forgave him again, after the usual, I’ll never do it again, I’ve too much to loose etc….and guess what….
I come home early again 2 days ago and find him with another new iPad (he smashed up the last one) doing the same thing again….
I feel totally devastated….
I even prayed that God would forgive him and then kill him, as I can’t cope with being hurt anymore, and yes I do love him, but I hate how he makes me feel….
We have 4 children, aged 15,13,12 & 6
I can’t break up the family….
I’m so hurt…
He says sorry, sorry, sorry,
If I try to talk to him, he walks of (he was never good at talking)
He thinks by saying sorry, I’m gonna jump into bed with him.
He won’t get professional help,
I just don’t know what to do, I’m trying to pretend everything’s ok, I front of the kids, but my heart is broken….
I can’t talk to anyone as I’m too embarrassed…
I’m a Christian and believe marriage is for life, but I’m soooo unhappy!
Ruthie, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re feeling in all this. It is really, really common for women in this situation to meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. And even if your husband refuses to get help, YOU can get help. I know you’re feeling embarassed about this, but help is readily available to you, and I would encourage you to reach out for that help today. A counselor who’s used to dealing with trauma could be a huge help to you–not a marriage counselor, just a personal counselor for you. A counselor like this can help you process your emotions, deal with the trauma, and help you think about healthy boundaries. There’s also a wonderful online community called Bloom that’s private and provides support for women through forums, classes, and other resources. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be well. Peace to you, Kay
My husband of 26 years is also a pastor and he watches Internet sex videos very frequently and masterbates while watching them. I noticed a couple of years ago on our desktop computer that he watches them after I go to bed. He does not know how to check the search history and obviously he doesn’t know how to delete it. Sometimes it will be several nights in a row and then it might be a week sometimes two before he does it again. He also reads sexual books on his Kindle reader. He got a mini iPad for Christmas and last night he watched sex videos in bed while he thought I was alseep. He has been a very sexual man. He likes to buy adult sex toys. For the first 5-10 years of our marriage, he wanted to get involved in sex with other women and other couples. He said he always wanted to watch me with another woman. I put a stop to that scenario. He has had an affair. He always looks and other women. In fact, he is very focused on looks. He loves it when other women look and him and compliment his looks. I am very frustrated and torn. I guess I should also mention that he possesses many narcissistic traits, so talking to him always turns the conversation to me and my faults….mainly not giving him sex as often as he wants it.
I am so, so sorry.
I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.
He may be a liar and a narcisstic, but you don’t have to support him in those traits. Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
So I have an honest question. I am a married man, and I do struggle with porn. I have been thinking that the problem, more than watching it, is not being open about it with my wife from the start. Perhaps if I told her to watch porn with me, we would both de-mystify it and, who knows, perhaps she’d enjoy it.
Look, I watch porn mainly because my wife is never available. If watching porn and masturbation are infidelity, denying your husband sex should be also infidelity.
Yeah, let’s say watching porn is wrong, but it’s not my vocation to be a monk… and every time I tell my wife I want to have sex she tells me to stop ‘begging’ for it (which makes me feel like a pervert). So:
– If I watch: bad.
– If I ask for it: bad.
– If I don’t ask for it: bad.
All these articles address the wrongness of watching porn, but no one cares about the obedience and submission that a wife owes to her husband.
Ephesians 5:22–24?
1 Corinthians 7:4?
Hello??
Hi Max
I am that wife. Just as a woman as an intuition of cheating this is the same for porn. I have no desire to have sex bc I KNOW this is what he is doing. I feel unattractive and I view him as a dirty old man. I didn’t intend on this but it happens. He flirts with me just like we are on a porn flick 🤢 Coincidentally he is on his phone 24/7 and his search is ALWAYS deleted. I went in his phone to add his google account and he takes it off again. He lies all the time. He even believes his lies. From what I gather the next step to porn is cheating. I learned a man doesn’t really need porn because he can undress a woman with his lies.
With your scriptures there are misconceptions ppl don’t realize. Sometimes we (including me until I checked myself) only want to read SOME of scripture but not all. We can go in a scripture war but we both would be wrong. Have you spoken to God about this. Or did you just look at the Bible with the scriptures what a wife is suppose to be or do. Submission isn’t just for a spouse to lie on her back to submit to her husband. There is always an underlying cause for this.
I feel guilty about what I do but he does not want to admit to it so how do I know he doesn’t think of these women while he is having sex with me? I do not trust him at all. One time when I caught him by accidentally seeing on his phone about 6 years ago he said he has needs too. I even found those pills you get at a gas station there is so much I can say. I encourage you to be transparent with her and admit to your shortcomings ( we ALL have them) to build that trust again. Porn is NOT healthy and it’s a crack allowing other things to explore. Some men do not realize that a lot of these porn sites and videos have women (not all)who are in sex trafficking. So you are watching a woman being raped multiple times. I pray that you and your wife find healing we have to many marriages that are failing due to porn.
I was diagnosed with chronic mylogenous leukemia 2 1/2 years ago. Two months after moving 1200 miles from my family to start a new life with my husband of five years. I had met my husband 30 years earlier and when my second marriage ended I came to be with him once again. It was like coming home.
I was happy at first. I had never stop loving him. Every song on my iPhone, 542 of them, were about unrequited love, about him. I sang for him, danced for him, lamented for him for nearly 30 years .
We are married just over five years now. We’ve been together nine years total. The cancer has caused me to lose my hair and caused a lot of other health problems. It was quite unexpected and devastating.
The move 1200 miles from my family also proved disastrous. The climate is harsh for me. The neighborhood is tough, dirty, dangerous and most people have weapons, specifically guns. This is the far cry from my bucolic country home on a dirt road in the mountains.
Our new home is a family owned property and we agreed that if I did not like it we would move. That turned out to be an untruth.
In the 2 1/2 years we have lived here I have learned many things about my husband. None of them I would’ve believed. Few of them are positive in my eyes. I feel he has been dishonest with me about himself. Obviously pornography is one of them or I wouldn’t be in this forum.
I am not a busybody. He has his computer, I have mine. I trust him, or rather, trusted him. I would never try to get into his phone or his computer or look at his history; never. But I noticed some odd behavior. I found some odd things on other computers. I found that when I would walk into the room he would be frantically trying to back out of and close windows. Because I thought we were honest and open with each other I asked “what on earth are you doing on that computer that you are worried I will see?” So confident was I, I almost meant it jokingly.
“I just don’t want to disappoint you,” was his response.
Right then and there I knew. I knew it was far worse than I had thought. Prior to this moment I didn’t see any harm if he happened to look up a beautiful girl. But now I knew that it went much deeper. I also learned that I didn’t trust him anymore. I learned I probably never should’ve trusted him and this was quite devastating to me as well. I had been completely comfortable in the trust that I had in our marriage. I believed that he loved me and I believed that he found me attractive. I believed we were meant to be together; that we were two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly snug, together. No one else has ever made me feel that way.
I’ve never really worried about such things; the visual, pornography, being attractive myself. Even when the cancer medication began to effect my hair and I had to wear more makeup, dress nicer to compensate I still believed he found me attractive and loved me.
Now, the pornography and the cancer changed all of that. To find him secreting away, viewing and I believe interacting with the girls pornographically is a deal breaker for me. I find him in the back room at 6 o’clock in the morning. I caught a glimpse of what looked like the video screen closing on that day I asled what he was doing.
I tried to initiate a conversation about it twice. I invited him to talk about “the giant wedge growing between us.” He just looked at me and sighed. I asked again a second time and got the same response. He acts like it never happened. Certainly he must know by now at 57 years of age that women forget nothing. We remember what time of day it was, what he was wearing and what the weather was doing. We forget nothing.
So today it all came to a head and we had a blowout. It had been brewing in me for a long time; several weeks.
I struggle with my illness and the effects of the medication. I will be on them for the rest of my life. There is no remission for this type of leukemia. Although I know I am still attractive, I feel less so and no longer feel comfortable in front of him unless my body is covered. I am embarrassed for him to see me without make up on or my hair a mess. These were never issues before. I am what I am, I am who I am; a good human being and I certainly didn’t ask to become sick.
I resent his behavior at this juncture in our marriage and in our lives.
I sold two houses to be here so he can be near is aging parents. He controls all the money, this home belongs to his father and I have no place to go. I don’t know how this will go and, to be quite frank, I am frightened. I long to feel joy and serenity; Love. I feel only fear and anger.
Thank you for listening to my story. Thank you for your support as well.
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I am so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. I would encourage you to find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process emotions and create healthy boundaries. You would probably also appreciate the online resouces at Bloom for Women, where there are forums, classes, and other resource for support and encouragement. No matter what your husband chooses, I hope you’ll choose to find help and support for yourself so you can make healthy choices for yourself going forward. peace to you, Kay
I have been married to my husband for 14 years and have 4 children. I accepted him watching porn early in our relationship, before children, and our first was born in the first year. I figured by being open about it and allowing to be present would keep things honest between us and show that I am in no way a “control freak”. Keep in mind I would watch it with him by it would be on for extended periods of time almost ever sexual encounter we had. I know my husband loves me however I feel as though it has ingrained unrealistic expectations over the years and it causes him to NOT really hear my point of view on how it’s bad for a marriage period. I created this monster, sort of, but it can and will get worse. My husband was in a serious accident 2 years ago that has left him with PTSD and now he has serious trust issues with me and I have never lyes, cheated, or dishonored him in any way. I was the ONLY one there for him after he almost died and left me here alone to raise our children. I took care of him as it is my job yes but I can’t leave the house by myself for 10 minutes and he is creating bad things in his head that I may have done while gone! REALLY! I don’t have a cell my 13 year old daughter doesn’t have a phone now cause he broke it. It has become a constant battle that convince him of who I am when he KNOWS. But he was n no way thinks porn is bad for us. I pray and God will help! Fingers crossed
Clearly this is a complex situation, when you have PTSD on top of a life long porn habit. I would just want to make sure that your husband is getting good medical and therapeutic care for his PTSD. And I would say that even though he does have complex problems to work through, this in no way means that you are required to give up on your boundaries! Here, here, and here are some articles to read through. HOpefully you’ve got a counselor who’s helping you through all this? You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever’s going on with him, make sure you take good care of you! Peace, Kay