Adultery of the Heart: How God Rescued Me From Porn Addiction

As a man who suffered with internet pornography, I cannot look the other way anymore and deny the fact of how easy it is to type a simple word in a search engine and get lured into a world of destruction.

At the age of eight years old, and as a victim of sexual abuse, I was introduced to pornography. This introduction led my childlike imagination of being an army hero or fighting crime as a great detective into a twisted realm of sexual lusts and diverse temptations. Then the worst thing happened: The World Wide Web was created and every dark lust of my thoughts was being fulfilled there.

Throughout my teenage years, feeling the guilt of what I was doing and believing that everything that happened to me was my fault, I began to use drugs, alcohol, and pornography as a release from the insanity. Even when I could not afford the Jack Daniels, cocaine, or any other drug-alcohol mix my mind could think of, pornography was always free and it was always there. I could not run from it.

The pornographic mindset expands much further than the computer. It is also meeting people with the same twisted mindsets. The views I had for women, marriage, and the bed God created for us were totally and utterly ruined. I thought of women as sexual objects. If a girlfriend did not want to have sex with me, then she did not love me. All of this destructive behavior cost me my faith, my life, my mind, and my heart.

I wish I would have talked to my parents about everything—the abuse, the porn, etc. Maybe everything could have been different.

(I praise God I have forgiven my offender, and the victims of my lust have forgiven me. It was only through Christ this happened. He has been breaking the chains of destruction for three years now, and I no longer hate God. I embrace Him.)

Will Marriage Fix Me?

By the age of 21, I had lost literally everything, even though the mask I wore did not show it. Drug use and pornography became an everyday occurrence, and I began feeling completely numb physically and emotionally. Finally, a miraculous door was opened and I met my wonderful wife. God started to introduce true love back into my life. I believed my wife and children were God’s door to victory over my destruction.

For seven years, until the day I was saved, the lustful spirit lived with us, and I trampled all over the sacred bond God had supplied to me. Not knowing what was missing in our marriage, my wife and I fell into watching pornography together. This act of desperation to keep our marriage bed aflame actually destroyed everything pure and right in our time together. Pornography and the lies were overwhelming for my wife. She felt as if she could not satisfy my needs. Worst of all, she felt as if I was cheating on her with another woman every time the internet history was deleted or there was a feeling I was hiding something.

Related: Should porn be used to spice up the bedroom? 

I finally came to the conclusion that she was completely right, and I was saved by grace. The Bible says in Matthew 5:28, “But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” This verse speaks to me every time I feel tempted. This verse is very important for someone in the midst of temptation. I can be tempted just by being in the bra aisle of the convenience store with my wife. But each time I remember this verse, the temptation has fled from me.

It is so amazing to be free, and it is so important to me as I am now a father of three beautiful little girls. When I imagine the feeling I would have if I found out men were looking at one of my girls like that, I feel like I could vomit.

Discovering True Love

Since I found faith,  I have learned so much about what love actually is. I have been taught so much about true sacrifice and how to love everyone as brothers and sisters. My faith has taught me how to look at women, and more importantly, my wife—how she is God’s gift to me. I learned how to truly love my kids and show them true grace, to show them what a good father should look like, and most of all, to show them the courage to stand up for what is right.

I will not allow pornography to plague my household anymore, and I encourage everyone, everywhere to take a stand against pornography in our homes. I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it would have been if one of my little girls would have caught me looking at this poison, only to spread the disease into their minds and hearts. Having these thoughts in your mind and accepting these provocative behaviors puts a mark not only on you but your entire family and starts the path of destruction.

Related: How to Quit Porn–6 Essential Steps

I urge everyone who is reading this to look at your own household and ask yourselves what type of pleasures you are allowing that may not need to be there. Look at what in your life is taking over your thoughts, your mind, your heart. There are so many of us in the world now that have been hurt or that have been down roads we do not want to bring back up. But we do not have to deal with them alone, and there are means that can help us walk through our struggles and find true victory.