Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
I’m a husband who got caught with porn on our pc over a year ago and tried not to back since it was embarrsing, but eventually we went back to normal i was’nt doing it everyday just about 10 times or less in our 41/2 marriage at that time. Now, lately we’ve been having sex about once maybe twice and i’ve been lusting at women more and more, now i’m dipping and dabbing into porn. I don’t how to confess this to her, so by God’s grace i’m gonna stop or tell or both not sure. I need the LORD’s help.
Being open and honest would be less hurtful than lying about it. I have been on the receiving end of this situation and the lying is just as hurtful. I’m not saying she won’t still be angry but it will hurt less if you are honest rather than waiting to get caught.
:( How could your husband have sex with you one day then look at porn the next day?????? It hurts!!!!! Makes me feel like Im not goot enough for him anymore. H e is even looking at other women now. Well thats another story!!!!
I have been married since 1984,I met hubby when he was stationed in England & i moved to the States in ’85(not really wanting to leave my country).
In Jan i used my husbands laptop & he forgot to close out his Identity safe & had not cleared his history in months.I started typing & a live webcam site showed up,so i clicked it :( He had been on this site everyday,i confronted him about it & he said he had already decided to quit going on it anymore. I found out he had been going on redtube 2x week(if not more) also redtubelive. I snuck in his email & saw he had signed up for these 3 sites in 2010.
He swore he had never spent any money & finally said he spent around $10.00.When i told him 3 years??? he replied he did not realize it had been that long.
Yesterday after pretending to be him,i got a reply from the lovesexxxy site that he joined in 2007 & spent $160.00
We cannot have sex,he goes immediately limp if he tries actual sex :( which of course makes me feel totally ugly,useless & the list goes on.
In the 7 years he has been on those sites(me unknowing) i cannot remember having sex at all :(
I told him he had an addiction & finally agreed to see a therapist.
I’m alternating between being mad,thoroughly depressed,wanting a divorce etc etc.
Yesterday i told him he had some nerve having fun for 6 years(if not more) while i was miserable,& how he has ruined years of my life & how he knew i wanted to go back home & had i known all this back then,i would have gone home & had somewhat of a chance at a new life.
I truly do not know what to do :(
After reading the blogs Im saddened and relieved Im not alone. Ive been married 38 yrs this September. It doesnt get better it only gets worse. For me hes not just into porn he breathes it. I have recently found bondage devices; ball straps, cock rings, vibrating butt plug and a tems unit. Hes watching it all free time and on his phone. We havent been together for.about 10 months. He is in his early 60’s and 6 yrs older than me. He gets multiple prescriptions filled of the various e/d mefs he even lied about taking a 1/2 day off from work to go to a Dr. Office advertized on radio that for approximately. $400.00 they promised miracles. Which is injecting a shot in penis to get it hard. I found out one time he used injection and took 2 pills. At that point I had wished he damaged himself for gpod.I spend most of my home time now alone in what was our bedroom while he is at his computer that he moved frpm livingroom to spare bedroom. He also resently signed up for a paypal debit card, any dope knows that cleans away the paper trail. We are suppose to jointly retire and move near a married child but Im more contemplating divorce at that time . I feel all trust is gone and I wont live in a new home just to be ignored again. But when it gets closrr to that time I do plan on asking what he feels is his vision of our retirement. If it includes PORN ,Im out.
Thanks for listening.
Mary
I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend always watched porn but it got much much worse once I became pregnant. My son is now 5 mths old and its still pretty bad. I mean its to the point where he would go in bathroom and jerk off to a victoria secret flyer! He watches porn on his phone on his ps3. I work everyday and he stays home jerking off! I’ve told him this hurts I feel betrayed espacially when I found out he was watching live porn. One night we tryed to have sex he was giving me oral sex and I wanted to return the favor well he wasn’t even a lil hard. My heartbroke and I felt nauseuos! He got mad and told me I’m the crazy one. I cried myself to sleep in a dif. Room. But even me being so upset and sobbing crying he still went and jerked off! I felt like crap.finally he told me he would stop with the porn and he’d try not to jerk off 3 times a day. I tryed to believe him. But I knew he was still doing it I can tell by the way we have sex. I used to make him wanna cum in 5 min now it take an hr and mostly its because he plays with himself either during oral or even when he’s inside me. Or hell stop and jerk himself off on me. I love him and he does so much right but I think this is going to ruin us. I feel so undesired and not good enough. Why does he keep doing this even though it hurts me so badly? He lies and sneaks and then tells me I’m the one with the problem. Now we are arguing agvain because I found a pair of boxer shoved between out matress and boxspring and guess what…. they were full of cum. I guess he’s been using them to clean himself up and then hiding them. And of course I bring it up and he says that was from after we had sex. Its getting to the point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I either feel like he’s doing it so we don’t argue or when we are in the act I’m constantly wondering if I’m pleasing him. Wich I don’t think I am I think only his hand and other women can do that now! I need help I can’t talk to anyone about this and I don’t know if we will ever be able to stay together like this. He’s 32 and I’m 27 I feel like a selfis ass if I leave him because then I’m breaking our family up. But at the same time how can I just accept this and have a sexless relationship.? He does initate sex every night but like I said I think its mostly because he doesn’t wanna fight. He’s also starting to talk and treat me like I’m a porn star. And I like it a lil bit but then my thoughts go to… he’s fantasing about porn am I even in bed with him or does he see all of the women he jerks off to???? Plz help!
Juanita, most wives in similar situations feel the way you do. It is common to think if you were more attractive, thinner or different in some other way then you would be enough for your husband. That just simply isn’t how it works. Pornography pollutes the brain, causing significant damage. Men often begin to prefer porn and masturbation to being with a real woman, no matter what she looks like. The other traits you mention about your husband, such as constantly distracting himself, are very fitting with the personality of a sexual addict. Over half of sex addicts, in my professional experience, stop desiring sex with their wives. There are numerous reasons for this, but some of them are that with porn, and sometimes other behaviors with strangers, they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves, they don’t have to worry about intimacy (which is often very uncomfortable for sex addicts), and they can have constant variety…something porn causes them to become accustomed to. No woman can compete with hundreds of images in just a few minutes. Men who get professional help for their addiction and follow certain guidelines for recovery, find that intimate sex with their wife is more satisfying than anything they have done on the past. But those who don’t get help only get worse, as this addiction, like all addictions, is progressive. Yes, if nothing is done I’d venture to say that you will “spend the rest of your life miserable”, unless you are able to emotionally detach from your husband, which few women are able to do for the long term. You must set boundaries that this is not okay and he must get professional help. If he refuses then unfortunately he will never stop permanently unless you separate from him. Even that may not work, but it could be your only chance. Hopefully, if you make it clear to him that you will leave if he doesn’t stop (don’t make this threat if you don’t intend to follow through) that will be enough motivation for him to get help. From what I have seen, most men don’t get help until there is a very real threat of a significant loss or an actual loss.
i have been married for 14 months. i didnt know my husband was a porn addict til after we got married because my sister had to clean her computer. then when i moved in with him noticed my computer started to slow down a lot. well come to find out it was porn slowing my computer. i confronted him bout it and he said he wasnt going to do it anymore. that same day he looked up more porn. i finally left the subject alone. he spends most of his time on facebook talking bout football or looking up girls, or looking up pornhub, or playing xbox. we had twin babies and i thought he would change but No. he works while i stay at home with babies. he is off 3 days of the week and still only get sex maybe once a week, sometime i go a whole month. when we do have sex its only like for 5 til 10 min and hes done. then he goes to bathroom and looks up porn. i look at myself as a booty call for my own husband. it hurts so bad cuZ i feel like im not doing a good job, like im too fat, i just dont have to body he would like me to have. everytime he does this to me it feels like he just stomped all over my heart. i dont know what else to. i dont want to spend the rest of my life miserable.
Hi Everyone,
You’re not alone, my friend. Many men are facing the same struggle as you. The reason so many men are never able to get set free from this bondage is because they don’t know the weapons to defeat the enemy. Instead, they think if they try harder they’ll break the addiction. But, trying harder doesn’t work. Failure after trying harder only leads to more shame, which leads to more viewing of porn.
Reading your bible more, praying more or loving God more isn’t going to fix it. Don’t misunderstand what I’m getting to. Prayer and reading your Bible are important. You have to understand the root of addiction and how to cut this spiritual noose that hell has around your soul. Men involved in this sin often describe themselves as victims rather than voluntary participants in sinful behavior. They want to be freed from pornography, but expect God or someone else to do the hard work. They pray and then blame God for not removing the problem. What started off as a moral problem, quickly becomes a brain problem. The physical composition of the brain actually changes through the viewing of porn. This sheds scientific fact to a biblical truth:
“Every sin that a man does is outside the body, he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.” 1 Corin. 6:18.
Sexual sin and the viewing of pornography is against your own body, particularly your brain. There must be a “renewal of the mind,” just as scripture tells us. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit can we begin a renewal of our mind. You have to recognize you didn’t get into this problem overnight and can’t expect an immediate fix. That would be immature thinking. Typically, it takes men 2-5 years to break an addiction to porn. This requires a miracle every single day. It requires having the knowledge of your addiction, the bondage root, denial structures, among other things. There are major steps you need to take, which I could not explain in a single post. I highly recommend you get a DVD teaching series for men on this subject, called the Conquer Series. It will change your life and equip you to break the addiction. You have to admit that what you’re doing is not working for you. The guy who hosts the video has 30+ years experience in helping men get set free. There’s nothing else out there that lays out such clear steps you can take to break this addiction. You can order it from the website: http://www.conquerseries.com
Here’s an excerpt from the Conquer Series that explains the root or “noose” of addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jVxpHCIgKE You must understand a spiritual war is taking place. Satan wants you to remain in bondage. God wants to see you healed. He loves you.
Best regards!
I used to have a desire for romanctic sex with my husband but menopause affected me so strongly that after a while sex became so painful that it was not possible for us to connect any more. I eventually sought my doctor’s help & found there were some solutions to aid the aging female body. During this time my husband was not having any sex and we just slipped away intimately from one another. He got heavy and did not care how he looked. The last time we tried to have sex was 1 1/2 yrs ago. In this interim I started enjoying masturbation for myself and found it to be a good release for my sexual feelings. Little did I know what my husband was up to and today I just found out that he has been into porn while away on business. He pays cash for the in house movies so I wont see the invoice but one hotel sent us an email version of the invoice. Obviously I can understand how he felt his needs were not being met but he doesn’t even bother to cuddle or share any intimacy with me. He always gave me excuses about his anti-depressant meds side effects killing his sex drive too. Now, I feel somewhat disgusted by his actions as it seems men need a visual stimuli and then have no interest in having a real intimate relationship with their wife lying beside them. Is our marriage headed for disaster even further?