I used to watch porn a lot. I hated how much I loved it, because I knew it was slowly chipping away at my soul, my relationship with God, and my ability to relate to women.
What fed my love of porn more than anything was the lie that sex was life. I was single at the time, and I had bought into the lie that sex was a basic, fundamental “need” of which I was deprived. To hear that God wanted me to give up porn sounded like God wanted me to give up life itself. I got angry with God for seemingly creating me with such strong cravings and then depriving me of what I thought was a basic right.
I had to learn that sex, though good and pleasurable, is not life. The desire for sex and intimacy is good, but even the best intimacy in marriage was designed by God to be a reflection of something greater.
Porn Obsession Is About Faith
Attractive naked people aren’t the only reasons why porn is so alluring. The power of porn is the story it tells: everything from the setting to the words spoken to the expressions on the actor’s faces tell a story.
We chase after porn because it is promising life to us—or at least something we’ve defined as life. We buy into those false promises and get hooked on the fantasy world.
In his fantastic book, Closing the Window, Dr. Tim Chester identifies six promises the fantasy world of porn often makes to its viewers. (For information the psychology and neuroscience behind porn addiction, see our post Why People Watch Porn: 7 Reasons It’s Appealing).
Below is my summary. This is the story porn feeds to us:
1. Respect
If we feel inadequate or rejected, our sinful hearts often crave respect, and porn offers the fantasy of respect. In the fantasy world, we are adored by fantasy women or men. Porn gives us an eroticized world where we are man enough or woman enough to capture the attention of others by our sexual prowess. We enter the fantasy, and for a brief moment, can feel truly valuable.
2. Relationship
We desire intimacy, but we don’t like its risks. We want to be close to others, but we don’t want to be vulnerable. We want a real relationship, but we want to be the one in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship. Porn offers a parody of love and closeness.
3. Refuge
In times of hardship or fear of failure, we want to relieve our stresses. When life gets hard, we want somewhere to escape. We want to pretend to be someone else or somewhere else. Porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure: you always get to have the hot girl or guy you desire, or you get to be the hot girl or guy. Porn provides us with an erotic escape.
4. Reward
In times when we are bored or when we feel like we’ve made great sacrifices, we often want to reward or entertain ourselves. This sense of entitlement drives us back again and again to the world of fantasy where our overworked minds and under-appreciated egos can “get what we deserve.” Porn showcases its “trophy” men and women across the screen, and for a brief moment, we experience that rush of, “Yes! I deserve this.”
5. Revenge
In times of frustration and anger, we might turn to porn as an act of revenge against another person (like our spouse who isn’t having sex with us when we want) or against God (who isn’t giving us the life we want). Porn is our tantrum at the world that isn’t catering to our desires. Porn is our outlet for saying, “I’ll get what I want, and no one can tell me otherwise.”
6. Redemption
In times of guilt and self-loathing, the fantasy world of porn offers false redemption. If we are feeling guilty, pornography says, “You’re okay just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change.” If we are mired in self-hatred, porn is our way of punishing ourselves. “This is the shameful life I deserve,” we say to ourselves. Porn is a way to indulge our dark world of self-pity.
These are the false promises of porn, and for each person it is a little different. Just one of these might ring true for some people. For others, several or all of them ring true.
God’s Better Promises
But when it comes to breaking free, we need the better promises of the gospel to trump the power of sin. Breaking free from lust is ultimately about faith: will you believe God or will you believe porn?
Dr. Tim Chester shows us how the gospel can overcome the power of sin.
1. Respect
If we feel inadequate or rejected, we must remember that God is the one who offers us genuine acceptance through Christ. The men or women in the fantasy do not know you. They do not love you. Christ does. We must repent of needing the approval of others (what the Bible calls “the fear of man”), pursue God’s glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory he promises to those who trust him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of men or women made of pixels on a screen.
2. Relationship
When we desire intimacy with others but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security of digital sex.
3. Refuge
When we are stressed or when life gets hard, God is our true refuge, our rock, fortress, deliverer, and stronghold (Psalm 18:1-3). No matter what our circumstances are, next to the mountain-shaking, thunder-breathing God, our problems are no match for him (v.7-13). Instead of medicating our bruises with fantasy, we can escape into Him, casting all our cares on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7).
4. Reward
When we are itching for pleasure and excitement, we should run to God who is our living water. The well of porn is empty, and time will tell how little it satisfies, but God is our fountain of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Instead of rushing to the quick fix of porn, we should cultivate a life of communion with God through prayer, fasting, meditating on his Word, and worship. We should cultivate a longing for the eternal reward of living with him forever, rejecting the temporary pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-26).
5. Revenge
When we are angry that God is not giving us the life we want, we are like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:29-31). We consider our sacrifices, our obedience, and our devotion, and we believe God “owes” us something. But God does not relate to us this way: He relates to us as a loving Father. We are not merely God’s servants, but His sons and daughters. When we do not get what we want, we must focus our faith on God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what blessings are best for us in His perfect love and timing.
6. Redemption
In times of guilt or shame, we need to run to God who freely forgives us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We won’t find redemption by normalizing our sin or by trying to punish ourselves. We need to look to Christ, our perfect High Priest: “by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14). When we are reminded of our guilt and failures, we must repeat the words Jesus uttered on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).
Which of these internal motivators describes your experience? Which of these gospel promises do you need to cherish to overcome your thirst for pornography?
- For details on why men in particular watch porn, check out 5 Popular Reasons Why Guys Like to Watch Porn.
- For information on how women are drawn into porn, see Girls Like Porn Too: A Timely Message for Parents.
I am 64 years old & started like 10 years old, I tried dating & the 4 that worked 1 moved, 1 was Jewish [I am Christian], 1 I broke up with to marry 1. The Jewish 1 & I are still best friends. There were others, but they do not count as they all took me for a sucker & took advantage of me. The one I married I gave her $300 to help her, she helped herself. I did have a few that [think] was God sent [1 was @ a church, 1 was a crew member of a cruise ship.
Thank you Luke Gilkerson for this article. I was about to regress to my porn addiction after withholding for almost a week but happened upon your article instead.
I know about the empty feeling you are talking about. Porn has always only given me a very temporary pleasure that I would escape to in order to not feel down or alone. However once its over, I feel worthless as guilt and shame overcome me. I feel unworthy to be in the presence of Jesus and sickened with myself that I am praying to him for forgiveness once again.
It is a vicious cycle that leaves me with low self esteem and depression. It makes me anxious around other people and makes me think about sex constantly when talking to or looking at women in public. I regret ever watching it to begin with and wonder how much better my life could have been if I never did. I am ashamed to talk to my family about this addiction that I’ve had for 5+ years.
Pray for me brother.
Hey Zack do you have a men’s community to talk to someone about this?
I found the comment section more helpful than the article, and reading through it all took some time, but let me understand much more. Thanks to all who commented here, it helped me a lot.
This is very insightful. I only wish that I’d come to the self-awareness reflected in these points earlier in my life. I am now a middle-aged single, never been married man. I attribute my singleness in large part to the devastation that porn consumption has wreaked on my character, which I consider to be very weak. I am a Christian actively involved in ministry, but I can’t say that I am completely free of porn, even though I’ve made some progress. I still suffer very much from loneliness and unfulfilled longings for intimacy and love. The six counterpoints with which you followed up your six points on what motivates us to resort to porn I believe to be true, but they have been no panacea for me. I still tend to take “life” to be in the intimacy and erotic love of which I am deprived. I’m no longer sure that married men can relate to what I have been through, since their singleness has only been for a “season,” while mine has been chronic.
Hang in there Chris. You are not alone in going through the loneliness and lack of intimacy. I can relate.
There is one reason for using porn that I have not seen any dealings on (other than on the porn sites). It is the issue of being subservient (a “sub”). This is typically one’s desire to be used/degraded in a sexual manner in order to please another sexually.
This is what I an dealing with. I am a 53 year old male, married to the same woman for 33 years. She has no idea that I want to be sexually dominated/used/humiliated by her and others. Part of me wants for her to be promiscuous then come home and make me listen to her exploits. Part of the sick fantasy world takes us to an orgy where she “makes” me pleasure all of the people that want to use me and their gender does not matter. In the past I have had sexual encounters with other men and women in “adult” establishments. I am almost always the subservient one. It is what I crave. There are times that I crave a return to this behaviour that I have considered suicide a better alternative.
I now recognized that I am sick. I realize that it has contributed to my issues with E.D. I fantasize that am going to be used by others or after she has slept with other men (cuckolding) during sex and this causes me to wish for other men and women to be engaged in the act of sex. All of this has all but destroyed my desire for my wife. I have become withdrawn and disengaged in our marriage. I am sick. I have joined a men’s group at my church that is geared towards helping men escape and overcome their sexual temptations and become /remain pure in God’s eyes.
Kevin, you are extremely honest, which I appreciate. I do not believe any amount of 12-step attendance will free you from these fantasies. These fantasies carry truth in them about other things, and these other things likely need to be explored and diagnosed by a trained, Christian counseling professional. Jay Stringer recently wrote this post about our fantasies. Please seek professional help, if you truly want to find healing for you and your marriage.
Chris
Thank you for your post on child molestation issues and for being strong throughout all the things that you have been through. Xo
my husband has been viewing porn secretly for the entire 20 yr marriage. it has driven him from me, hasn’t desired or had any intimacy with me in 15 months. had also turned him away from even wanting to be around our daughters. maybe because they are teens? his choice is teen lesbians. when he is home, he states off in space or sleeps. when going on road trips, he sits in silence as though lost in deep deep thought. all communication had gone in this past year.
it has affected me incredibly. I can’t think straight anymore. I feel so old (43) fat (at 110 lbs, 5’1), stupid, ashamed, disgusting and have been battling suicide this past year. my mind has become mush. an not allowed to work out have friends. Have begged him to pay with me, take us back to church. he won’t even respond when I mention Christ. he used to have a beautiful relationship with the Lord.
some women….. pornography literally kills. I pray for strength daily. God in heaven, help.
Tammy,
If your husband is looking at child pornography, please call your local law enforcement immediately. No matter how much we love someone, we cannot allow the abuse of children to pass without consequence. It is your responsibility as an adult to protect children. Please call your local police department immediately.
I would also urge you to find a counselor for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries for yourself.
Again, please move immediately to protect these children.
Thank you,
Kay
Again comparing this cycle of sin to a trap or snare used by an enemy, you can’t escape it until you can disarm it. The methodology of its operation are given here, and so are the tools needed to disarm it. Let us be his hands and feet and spread the word of how to disarm and destroy this trap. Maybe we can eliminate it entirely from our society. Go forth and spread the Good News
Amen my fap addiction has me left. By God’s grace and power I was able to quit my addiction , after I have tried for soo long with my power but I wasn’t able to but God was able to deliver me, without me taking any part in it. It just like it dropped off of me
I don’t have to count the days that I’m free of my addiction because I believe I’m free at last .Satan robbed my life and God Restored and gave me new Strength
To Glory be to God in highest
I am realizing that the bitterness toward God and the rejection and failure of my relationship were the excuses that I used to visit porn material. I suppose every porn addict has the physical reward of porn, otherwise the chemical pop that we get wouldn’t continue to draw us back to it. Also, our relationships with God and our spouses are obviously not important enough to us to find a way to defeat it, if we continue for years. I am glad that God has worked in my life through a sick and tired wife to cut me off and make me face myself. Free from porn for 122 days and counting, working my heart and mind out of all of the lustful thoughts and masturbation that still plague me a bit. Ready to finally live my life without being enslaved to any of this crap, praise the Maker of Heaven and Earth!!!!!
Amen to 122 days! Just remember, even if you fall after 1000 days, you are not back at square one.