I used to watch porn a lot. I hated how much I loved it, because I knew it was slowly chipping away at my soul, my relationship with God, and my ability to relate to women.
What fed my love of porn more than anything was the lie that sex was life. I was single at the time, and I had bought into the lie that sex was a basic, fundamental “need” of which I was deprived. To hear that God wanted me to give up porn sounded like God wanted me to give up life itself. I got angry with God for seemingly creating me with such strong cravings and then depriving me of what I thought was a basic right.
I had to learn that sex, though good and pleasurable, is not life. The desire for sex and intimacy is good, but even the best intimacy in marriage was designed by God to be a reflection of something greater.
Porn Obsession Is About Faith
Attractive naked people aren’t the only reasons why porn is so alluring. The power of porn is the story it tells: everything from the setting to the words spoken to the expressions on the actor’s faces tell a story.
We chase after porn because it is promising life to us—or at least something we’ve defined as life. We buy into those false promises and get hooked on the fantasy world.
In his fantastic book, Closing the Window, Dr. Tim Chester identifies six promises the fantasy world of porn often makes to its viewers. (For information the psychology and neuroscience behind porn addiction, see our post Why People Watch Porn: 7 Reasons It’s Appealing).
Below is my summary. This is the story porn feeds to us:
1. Respect
If we feel inadequate or rejected, our sinful hearts often crave respect, and porn offers the fantasy of respect. In the fantasy world, we are adored by fantasy women or men. Porn gives us an eroticized world where we are man enough or woman enough to capture the attention of others by our sexual prowess. We enter the fantasy, and for a brief moment, can feel truly valuable.
2. Relationship
We desire intimacy, but we don’t like its risks. We want to be close to others, but we don’t want to be vulnerable. We want a real relationship, but we want to be the one in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship. Porn offers a parody of love and closeness.
3. Refuge
In times of hardship or fear of failure, we want to relieve our stresses. When life gets hard, we want somewhere to escape. We want to pretend to be someone else or somewhere else. Porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure: you always get to have the hot girl or guy you desire, or you get to be the hot girl or guy. Porn provides us with an erotic escape.
4. Reward
In times when we are bored or when we feel like we’ve made great sacrifices, we often want to reward or entertain ourselves. This sense of entitlement drives us back again and again to the world of fantasy where our overworked minds and under-appreciated egos can “get what we deserve.” Porn showcases its “trophy” men and women across the screen, and for a brief moment, we experience that rush of, “Yes! I deserve this.”
5. Revenge
In times of frustration and anger, we might turn to porn as an act of revenge against another person (like our spouse who isn’t having sex with us when we want) or against God (who isn’t giving us the life we want). Porn is our tantrum at the world that isn’t catering to our desires. Porn is our outlet for saying, “I’ll get what I want, and no one can tell me otherwise.”
6. Redemption
In times of guilt and self-loathing, the fantasy world of porn offers false redemption. If we are feeling guilty, pornography says, “You’re okay just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change.” If we are mired in self-hatred, porn is our way of punishing ourselves. “This is the shameful life I deserve,” we say to ourselves. Porn is a way to indulge our dark world of self-pity.
These are the false promises of porn, and for each person it is a little different. Just one of these might ring true for some people. For others, several or all of them ring true.
God’s Better Promises
But when it comes to breaking free, we need the better promises of the gospel to trump the power of sin. Breaking free from lust is ultimately about faith: will you believe God or will you believe porn?
Dr. Tim Chester shows us how the gospel can overcome the power of sin.
1. Respect
If we feel inadequate or rejected, we must remember that God is the one who offers us genuine acceptance through Christ. The men or women in the fantasy do not know you. They do not love you. Christ does. We must repent of needing the approval of others (what the Bible calls “the fear of man”), pursue God’s glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory he promises to those who trust him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of men or women made of pixels on a screen.
2. Relationship
When we desire intimacy with others but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security of digital sex.
3. Refuge
When we are stressed or when life gets hard, God is our true refuge, our rock, fortress, deliverer, and stronghold (Psalm 18:1-3). No matter what our circumstances are, next to the mountain-shaking, thunder-breathing God, our problems are no match for him (v.7-13). Instead of medicating our bruises with fantasy, we can escape into Him, casting all our cares on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7).
4. Reward
When we are itching for pleasure and excitement, we should run to God who is our living water. The well of porn is empty, and time will tell how little it satisfies, but God is our fountain of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Instead of rushing to the quick fix of porn, we should cultivate a life of communion with God through prayer, fasting, meditating on his Word, and worship. We should cultivate a longing for the eternal reward of living with him forever, rejecting the temporary pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-26).
5. Revenge
When we are angry that God is not giving us the life we want, we are like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:29-31). We consider our sacrifices, our obedience, and our devotion, and we believe God “owes” us something. But God does not relate to us this way: He relates to us as a loving Father. We are not merely God’s servants, but His sons and daughters. When we do not get what we want, we must focus our faith on God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what blessings are best for us in His perfect love and timing.
6. Redemption
In times of guilt or shame, we need to run to God who freely forgives us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We won’t find redemption by normalizing our sin or by trying to punish ourselves. We need to look to Christ, our perfect High Priest: “by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14). When we are reminded of our guilt and failures, we must repeat the words Jesus uttered on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).
Which of these internal motivators describes your experience? Which of these gospel promises do you need to cherish to overcome your thirst for pornography?
- For details on why men in particular watch porn, check out 5 Popular Reasons Why Guys Like to Watch Porn.
- For information on how women are drawn into porn, see Girls Like Porn Too: A Timely Message for Parents.
This article came at a good time for me, as I had a tough day of depression and spousal indifference. I really had a lot of dark thoughts, but chose to read the 40-day devotional instead. I’m glad that I did, because this helps me to “flee from” and “flee to”. God is the fulfillment of all our needs, regardless of whether we feel like it or not. I just need to realize how to regularly devote myself to prayer, fasting, meditating on the word, and worship. It’s so difficult to discipline oneself into these practices, especially when you lack the desire and motivation. I’m sure all of the drill sergeant types and bitter wives are readying their chorus about how a ruined relationship should be motivation enough, but that is not why we dedicate ourselves to God, I know that much.
These responses to Lisa’s questions:
“Has your desire for your wife in general decreased while your desire for porn has increased?
I would say my desire for my wife has increased slightly over our ten years together, and my desire for pornography has decreased slightly over the same period. I suspect that is the product of (1) commitment (we had no plans to get married or even to stay together as long as we have when we first began dating – that changed about five years ago), and (2) I’m older. We were freshmen in college when we started dating, and now we’re approaching 30. I have indeed noticed a small but significant decrease in libido in the last decade.
“How about your, ahem, performance while with your wife? Many completely irreligious men have reported erectile dysfunction as a result of porn use.”
I have never suffered from erectile dysfunction either on my own or with my wife. I hope I’m not plagued by that problem for another few decades!
“Based on your references to church, I’m not sure where you fall in terms of religion.”
I consider myself atheist (which is not to say anti-theist). I do attend church every Sunday, but it is for professional rather than religious reasons. I believe in my product, and many have said it helps them connect with and embrace their own religious convictions. I am very happy to oblige and help people find their own strength through faith, even if I my own conclusions ultimately differ from theirs. It’s a win/win situation.
“Regarding your comment about never eliminating lust, I encourage you to read Romans 8 and meditate on God’s ability through the Holy Spirit to kill sin.”
I would have to disagree with Romans 8. Verse 7 in particular: “The mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God.” As I wrote above, I am not anti-theist; I do not consider myself “hostile to God”. If I were, I would not help the members of my congregation connect to God the way I do. If I were, I should actually work AGAINST furthering others’ religious connections and convictions.
Lisa, you wrote in your article “Elliot Rodger and the Lies We Believe About Sex” (https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/07/15/rape-culture-lies-believe-sex/) that Lie #1 is “Sex is an irresistible biological urge.” I have to disagree with you. It is not a lie, but fact. I can no more stop my libido than I can stop any other biological function, including breathing, blood circulation, blinking my eye lids, digestions, et cetera. Of course, many men use that as an excuse, as you very rightly point out in your article. But just because some people abuse that fact by making it an excuse to rationalize harmful or demeaning behavior does not mean that it is not true.
Aaron, first, in reply to your comment regarding the Elliot Rodger post, I probably could have been clearer. Obviously the sex drive is something built into us as humans. However, our reactions to sexual stimulants can be controlled or retrained. You’ll probably always want to do a double-take at that bikini-clad woman on the beach, but you can train yourself to dwell on that woman, or you can train yourself to “bounce your eyes” and think about something else (like your wife, for example). Just because the urges are there doesn’t mean you have to dwell on them, or that you have to be enslaved to them. I hope that clarifies my meaning.
“I have indeed noticed a small but significant decrease in libido in the last decade.” It might be worth tracking that, as well as occasions of intimacy with your wife and occasions of viewing porn. It may also be worth intentionally abstaining from porn for a period of time (30-90 days) and tracking your sex drive as a result of your abstinence. It may be that you are unaffected by porn, but in that case, you are the exception, not the rule. (To re-emphasize, I’m talking physical ramifications; members of, say, the NoFap subreddit may have no moral qualms about porn, but they choose to detox because of the physical issues.)
If you personally do not believe in the existence of a god/gods (Judeo-Christian or otherwise), then it’s not worth debating scripture, other than to say that although you don’t consider yourself anti-god, if the Bible is accurate, then God considers you hostile to Him. If you feel like digging into that more, then the rest of Romans will explain it.
I was just perusing this site and stumbled upon this conversation from a year ago. In response to Amy’s questions (and no, I don’t feel judged or upset by your asking – in fact, it just prompted a great discussion with my wife!):
“When having sex with your wife, are you truly with her, or in your mind are you viewing those women from whatever porn you have watched or women you have seen on the street, work or even church?”
I will freely admit to noticing women ‘on the street, work, or even church’, and even to fantasizing about them. To a certain extent, I do not believe I have control over that. And If I ever tried to stop noticing women, I don’t believe I would be successful in doing so. In fact, if I honestly tried to stop noticing women, I think it would have the opposite effect – lust would dominate my life if I tried to eliminate it. Lust cannot be contained – it’s fundamental to being human – but it can be controlled. And pornography provides an outlet for me that is both hugely enjoyable and healthy. So, to get to your actual question, when I’m with my wife, I’m not thinking about anything or anybody but her. Ever. I have no reason to – she’s the love of my life and I’m tremendously attracted to her (indeed, way more than anybody else, including those I see on the internet, street, work, or even church).
“And if your wife knew you were visualizing another woman while having sex with her, how would she feel?”
If I DID fantasize about other women while with my wife (which I have yet to do in our 10 years of romantic partnership), it would be (in her own words – I just asked her) “disappointing because I would feel inadequate.” If our roles were reversed, I would probably feel the same way. Fortunately, we have never encountered either of those situations, and I don’t believe we ever will.
“I am the wife of an addict and my husband and I would view porn together… mostly because I wanted to please him, to keep him “happy,” but I myself was blinded by that lie.”
I do wish we could watch porn together, but we have tried on several occasions and it actually ends up being more amusing for us than erotic because of the ‘fake-ness’ of it. I myself prefer amateur porn because it feels more real than the contrived scenes that are so common, but even amateur stuff just doesn’t turn her on the way it does me. That’s why I use it alone. And neither of us have any problem with it. I understand that others DO have problems with it, and so it makes perfect sense why for those people it’s better to avoid pornography all together. But my wife and I have been happily married for two years, and together for a decade, and I see no reason why I should stop. My ultimate conclusion is that pornography is not inherently problematic.
Amy: What are your thoughts?
Aaron, if you are both unaffected by your pornography use, as a couple you are the exception, not the rule. I still caution you to track your health outcomes; you say you never fantasize about other women when with your wife, but has your desire for your wife in general decreased while your desire for porn has increased? How about your, ahem, performance while with your wife? Many completely irreligious men have reported erectile dysfunction as a result of porn use. Read The Porn Circuit for more details on the neurochemical impact of porn.
(By the way, based on your references to church, I’m not sure where you fall in terms of religion. If you profess to be Christian, I’d encourage you to reread passages on lust, such as Proverbs 6-7 and Matthew 5:27-28. Regarding your comment about never eliminating lust, I encourage you to read Romans 8 and meditate on God’s ability through the Holy Spirit to kill sin.)
Hi Im blessed by your articles. thanks a lot. I would really appreciate if you can add some articles on how young people are affected by media it will be helpful.
You you want more articles like this?
Hmmm, so if these six reasons are “the major ones counselors notice”, you’re implying that other reasons for viewing porn do not create problems (i.e. do not cause people to seek counseling)?
Is there any circumstance where viewing pornography is okay?
No, I’m saying that these reasons encompass the majority of what Christian counselors unearth as the key motivators for seeking out porn. Of course, there might be others. Do you have any idea what they might be? I’m trying to get to the heart of your question or understand why you are asking it.
I would say that in every instance, viewing pornography is morally problematic. Of course, some have pornography thrust upon them, in which case the motivations of the viewer are totally different: they would be victims, not seekers of pornography. In those cases the people responsible for exposing others to porn are culpable and responsible.
Okay, I’ll show my hand now: I’m a 27 year old male who has used online pornography regularly as a masturbation aid since middle school. In that time, I cannot recall a single negative consequence from this habit (or at least not since turning 18). My wife of 1 year (and romantic partner of 9 years) has no problem with it either. In fact, I find viewing erotic imagery online to actually enhance and stimulate my own personal relationship – viewing other women makes me want my wife even more!
In the last 15 years, the only two of the six reasons listed above that I can relate to at all are the occasional #3 (“to relieve our stresses”) and the rare #4 (“In times when we are bored”). But the primary reason I look at pornography is to me the most obvious of reasons: to indulge in sexual curiosities and fantasies. That’s it! Quite simply, I cannot see why I or anybody else should see such use as problematic.
Or am I just naive and deluding myself?
Keep in mind the perspective I’m trying to bring to the table. I believe God has created people as sexual beings, but when we covet the body of another (who is not our spouse), we misuse our sexuality. As such, many people experience terrible consequences of their lust. Some find themselves in addiction. Others experience the consequences of too many emotional ties to multiple lovers. Others see their attitude and demeanor towards women change. These are some of the negative consequences of sexual sin, and they vary from person to person.
However, the point of the article is not to point out the negative consequences of porn, but the sinful attitudes and dispositions that lead a person to use it in the first place. A person who wishes to stop using pornography, but finds themselves incapable of stopping, often needs to explore the motivations that drive them.
For instance, an alcoholic who just focuses on quitting alcohol will often find experience one of two results: they will either fail miserably or they will become “dry drunks” (i.e. they aren’t drinking anymore, but their whole world still revolves around the alcohol they aren’t drinking, so they become bitter and angry). The same is often true for a person who wants to stop looking at porn. If they don’t explore the reasons why they are going to porn in the first place, they will probably either fail or become “dry drunks.”
More to the point of your question: You first have to ask yourself why you believe what you do about porn? What leads you to believe watching porn or other kinds of sexual activity are right or wrong? What is the basis for your understanding of morality? If you believe that the God revealed in the Bible is the basis for morality, then activities of lust like watching pornography are immoral. If you get your system of morality from some other source, you might not have any problem with porn whatsoever. The million-dollar question: What makes you believe your system of morality is correct?
My question to you Aaron would be, when havving sex with your wife, are you truly with her, or in your mind are you viewing those women from whatever porn you have watched or women you have seen on the street, work or even church? And if your wife knew you were visualizing another woman while having sex with her, how would she feel? I am not here to judge or upset you. I am the wife of an addict and my husband and I would view porn together… mostly because I wanted to please him, to keep him “happy,” but I myself was blinded by that lie.
This post piques my curiosity and prompts a couple of questions:
Are there any reasons why someone would watch pornography other than the six reasons you list?
Are the problems you describe the result of the user or the product? In other words, is the person the problem, or is the pornography the problem?
I’m sure there are other motivations (or even combinations of motivations) that drive people to porn, but these tend to be the major ones counselors notice. Thinking of each motivation broadly, they encompass a lot of potential motivations and Dr. Chester’s book goes into more detail.
The problems described are a result of both the user (who has the sinful motivations) and the product (which communicates the lying messages). James 1 says a person is tempted when enticed by his own desires. The problem originates in our hearts. But using the outlet of pornography, of course, only happens because pornography itself exists.
First off, I’m sorry for the misspellings. I just want to say that pornography is the problem here, and, in truth, the root of the problem is sin. This sin is caused by satan and we get tempted into sexual sin such as pornography and masterbation (self-gradifcation) and there is freedom, if you follow Christ. At http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com God works through the lessons and frees you from the clutches of this sin.
Amen to that. Setting Captives Free is a great program.
It is both. The person misplacing their faith in times of weakness or distress gets trapped in a seemingly never ending cycle. I should know. I quite literally just escaped the cycle by reading this article and the one that precedes it. It told me nothing about God that I didn’t at least superficially know, but it explained the snare and how it works. As an Army brat, snares and traps are a good explanatory tool for sin. You can’t disarm a snare or trap until you understand how it works. You can’t escape a sin until you can understand it and disarm it. A bear has its foot caught in a trap, is its fear it yanks and pulls and try’s to run but doesn’t get far. If the ear understood how the trap worked, wouldn’t he escape it as soon as possible? My way though narrow is now clear and I can carry on. Fare well, and keep on keeping on.
Great stuff. But a typo under #2: you meant to say, “fake security OF digital sex”, but missed the word “of”.
Whether it’s due to our own desires or temptation by Satan, porn is ultimately destructive. I have been in the grips of it and know first-hand that it destroys relationships, especially how one relates to the opposite sex. I know now that I need to run to God and seek his kingdom first, everyday.
IMO – Motivation could be RELEASE. Porn is the medication that is used to take away or mute the pain of life. I agree the problem is in both user and “provider”. It is big business that is strategically trying to exploit the desires and weaknesses of others. The vulnerable are preyed upon!
I’m with Aaron on this one. I’ve been viewing porn for 30 years and been married for 25 years. The wife and I have sex about 6 times a year and I use porn to supplement. I also see attractive women around the city and wonder what it would be like to be with them. I’m also an atheist and god has no place in my marriage.