In the era of fake news and the proliferation of the Internet, it can be hard to find the truth. With a push of a button, lies become viral and myths are perpetuated. Let’s get real about porn addiction and stop with the lies that keep us trapped in bondage. Here are six myths that you can stop believing now about your spouse’s porn addiction.
Myth #1: I should have offered sex more often.
Let’s just set the stage with this right now: Your husband’s porn addiction is not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Your husband is responsible for his behavior, just as you are responsible for yours.
I was 22 years old when Craig and I got married, and I was ready for sex. Lots of it. Any time! No longer were we banned from the act (yes, we waited) because we hadn’t tied the knot. There was a whole world waiting for me, and I was ready to explore it.
The problem was, though, that Craig didn’t seem as gung-ho about it as I did. I offered and offered, and though he did give in at times, that’s pretty much what it felt like—him giving in, not actually wanting it. At least, not like I did.
My point is this: I offered and offered and it didn’t do one thing to change the fact that Craig was addicted to porn. He didn’t seek out less porn because I made myself available. Even though he thought married life was the cure for his addiction, he quickly realized that his porn addiction wasn’t due to a lack of sex.
Porn is about escaping real life and entering into a fantasy world. It’s for numbing out—the exact opposite of what sex is designed to do, which is to be a way to engage intimately with your spouse. Your offering of more opportunity to engage does not satiate his need to numb out.
Square peg. Round hole.
Myth #2: I should have paid more attention to my physical appearance.
The world has been looking for the Fountain of Youth for a long time. But no matter how hard we search, no matter how much money we spend, it can never be found. Why? Because the Creator of this world did not design us to be young forever. Our bodies waste away due to natural causes, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
Now, does God want us to take care of our bodies? Yes.
Did God intend for our physical appearances to be the glue that holds our marriage together? No.
In 2 Corinthians 4:16, Paul writes, “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.” It is the continual transformation of our hearts by Jesus that leads to the deep spiritual connection God wants us to have with our life partner. While the world wants to fixate our eyes on what is temporal and tangible, God wants to grow us so that we understand that true life is found beyond such appearances.
Myth #3: I should have been more adventurous in our sex life.
God intends sex to be enjoyable. He gave us a desire to explore each other (see Song of Solomon). He’s creative, thus we’re creative (because we’re made in His image) and we are free to use our creativity in our sexual lives.
That being said, we are also called to love and respect each other. Paul writes in Ephesians that “husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Showing love includes respecting the boundaries and feelings of our spouse. Many people have endured sexual trauma and may feel deeply uncomfortable performing certain sexual acts. These feelings must be accepted as valid. You should never be forced (or force yourself) to engage in behavior that feels degrading.
In addition, trying to recreate porn scenes will bring neither of you the satisfaction you crave in your sex life. Porn is a perversion of what God intended sex to be, and inviting it into your bedroom will not give you the titillating results you want in your marriage.
Myth #4: If he loved me enough, he would change.
This is not about you. Love in a marriage is not tit-for-tat. It can’t be adequately measured on a scale. You want your spouse to be free from porn because he needs to be free from porn, not just because it’s affecting your relationship. If he changed simply because of you, what happens when you’re no longer around? Would you want him returning to the empty, hollow, unfulfilling habit that is porn? No.
Now, is there an aspect to love that is sacrificial? Of course. Jesus represents this by His ultimate sacrifice on the cross for our sins. But just as using porn is selfish, so is wanting your spouse to change just because you desire it for your own well-being and security.
Can God use you to help your husband? Yes. You can love him well while setting good boundaries for yourself and your relationship.
Here’s the thing—Craig had to learn that he was worthy of being loved. He had to learn how to receive this love. You can’t pour water into a bucket when it has the lid on it.
While the grace and love I (so imperfectly) offered provided a glimpse of God’s love, it was Craig’s relationship with Jesus that showed him how porn pales in comparison with true, real, unconditional love. In this process, he recognized that he is worth more than what porn offers. He acknowledged that his porn addiction was short-changing him and robbing him of the fullness of life. This motivated him to leave porn behind and seek treasure in what is true and lasting—real relationships. Craig ultimately had to change for himself, not for me.
Myth #5: I can’t tell anyone because it’s his secret.
Porn addiction comes with it a host of shame, but not just for the one who’s addicted. Sure, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on with Craig because I was afraid of what people would think of him, but I was also afraid what people would think of me.
But shame is a powerful tool that Satan uses to keep us bound and enslaved to addiction. He uses it to keep us isolated. He molds it into lies like, “You’ll never be free” and “People will think you’re horrible if they knew what you do.” Shame keeps us trapped in darkness and wrapped in the false security that if we can keep this our little secret, it will all be manageable and in our control.
But exposing our sin and our problems to light is a glorious thing because when we bring them out of the darkness, we bring them to Jesus who is the light. Jesus says, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life” (John 8:12).
Just as much as your spouse needs exposure to light regarding his porn addiction, so do you. And just as much as your spouse is going to need a support system to help him overcome this addiction, so will you need one to heal from the hurt and betrayal. Here are some guidelines to follow:
- Tell your husband that you need support and tell him with whom you are considering sharing this burden. This might also be a good time to discuss with whom he can discuss his addiction (pastor, close friends, counselor, etc).
- Tell someone who is trustworthy and will not gossip.
- Tell someone who is going to tell you the truth—not just what you want to hear. This is someone who has a strong relationship with Jesus and who will be for the salvation of your marriage.
Myth #6: I’ll never be able to trust him again.
Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). Yes, you both have a road of healing. Your relationship has sustained damage and as you journey through this, it might feel as though your marriage is totally stripped down. But there is good news in this—what has been destroyed can be rebuilt. With Jesus as the foundation, it will be even stronger than it was before. How do I know? Because our marriage is living proof.
There are days when I still struggle with trust, but I have learned that ultimately my trust must be in God. Human beings will always fail, but God never does. With His strength, His love, His forgiveness, we can overcome any obstacle, “for everyone born of God overcomes the world” (1 John 5:4).
Myth # 1 is absolutely true! But, it needs to be strongly said, depriving a husband, without mutual agreement, for a limited time, for prayer or other godly purpose doesn’t help with the lack of self control, for both men and women. See 1 Cor. 7:2-5. Yet this requires a couple to have spiritual, relational and sexual maturity in the marriage. If, not, the wife will feel like a sexual object. As stated, frequent sex isn’t enough, but frequent sex as a biblical weapon against sexual temptation is critical.
I agree with the statement “it’s not your fault.” We are always responsible for our own actions.
But, the Bible does warn us in Corinthians not to deprive each other from sex because of our weakness. In my case, once child 1 came, my wife lost interest entirely. We would go weeks and weeks without sex.And, because of this, it created issues and stress between us. Sex became something that was better off not talking about. So, when I turned to porn because I wrongly felt entitled for release, it was still my fault, but my wife was not utterly devoid of responsibility.
The Lord has blessed us, brought us closer and we are learning to battle together but this took a long time.
Babies take a huge toll on you mentally and physically. She very likely did not feel up to it. Not to mention, your wife does not owe you sex anyway, any more than you owe it to her. She is not the one at fault for your choice to use porn.
I am having problems with Eric my husband. Found Porn on his computer 2 yrs ago when I was trying to get a food handler permit online. Said he quit, forgave him trusted him again, then 6 months ago he had an ipod touch loaded with porn movies, I saw it with my own eyes. and his other devices. Today he said I had not seen that, tried to make me crazy that I did not see it, and I did. Said he doesn’t do it anymore since he knows it hurts me. Just 5 days ago I found a flash drive sitting on his desk. I looked and it is a port star called Nikki, triple z size boobs. It was so discouraging. I need to see a counselor soon. I think it does not affect me as I cant do anything about it.
He is very IT smart. so anything I do to find it, he will know how to hide it. as I am not as computer savvy,.
He has done Porn for 33 yrs now age 60, I though aging would take care of it. Him being 60 woudl have less desire.
help
I’m so sorry. I think you’re wise to look into counseling for yourself. This should be helpful as you deal with the reality of your situation and process the emotions you’re sure to have. Counseling can also help you think about your boundaries and what’s healthy for you. You might also want to find a group, and the online resources at Bloom can be helpful too. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay
How do I move on and keep our marriage intact if I can’t even trust him to be alone for an hour?
I don’t want to live with him right now.
My husband has been addicted to porn since before I knew him 25 years ago. I never put it together that he was an actual addiction until he got an iPad and I found hours worth of porn on it from only one day of him downloading videos. Then he started joining dating/hook up websites, started seeking out women on Craigslist and texting prostitutes. He says he isn’t an addict, he’s never physically acted out with another women so he’s not committing adultery. He’s been removed from our church because he refused church discipline after over a year of them trying to help him. He’s spent money sending a woman money in hopes of her coming to be with him, all while I was going through radiation treatments for breast cancer.
He’s mad at me for looking at his devices and blames me for many things that he says is causing him to act out like this. I just feel at the end of my rope with this. I’ve told him to get help with a therapist or counselor. Praying he will seek out one and be open to receiving help.
I hope he gets help, too. But even if he doesn’t, YOU CAN! You can be healthy no matter what he chooses. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Find a group to help you process your trauma. Look into the online resources at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay
Thank you for the article. As a husband who has felt the keen shame of knowing I have hurt my wife through my addiction I appreciated these insights. My marriage and my family is in great danger. My precious wife will not forgive me and she is pushing heavily and with great speed for divorce. She is avoiding all of the sources we have had who would counsel reconciliation and restoration. On the face there appears to be nothing I can do, say, or change to convince her to stay with me. Prayers from any believer willing to lift up strangers who need them are appreciated.
Jason, I am praying for you right now.
Praying for you Jason.
I need this article
As a wife of a pastor that has dealt with a porn addiction, I understand the emotions your wife is going through, however to leave behind an investment that is marriage is only giving the enemy what he wants. I am praying for a fighting spirit for your household. God has not given up on the situation and I pray your wife will not either.
I agree that they’re all myths except the 6th one. My husband quit porn several years ago. But, I still have misgivings and twinges and pangs of mistrust. I am not sure why but… I feel as though I will never completely trust him again. You see, I trusted him unconditionally, throughout our marriage… with the wide-eyed innocence of a child…that is until he hurt me and broke trust with me. I will never be that all-trusting wife again. Nor do I want to be, for fear of being hurt again. If our marriage vows had remained unblemished, then that deeply innocent, true love, and trust that I had for my husband, would have remained one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. I don’t see how I can ever even remotely regain that kind of trust again. So far, it has not been in my power, to rebuild a completely trusting relationship again, without having some sort of cynicism floating around in my brain. Has anyone else encountered this hurdle in rebuilding your marriage? If yes, how did you handle it? What specific methods did you use to regain the lost trust, and feel confident again in trusting your husband? I would truly love to know, and would appreciate any and all advice. My thoughts to all of you who are struggling through these issues too.
Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned. Trust is earned by trustworthy behavior over time.
So the first answer is: to earn your trust, he has to be trustworthy over time. He has to build a record of trustworthy behavior. His life should be an open book to you. He should never shame you, downplay your emotions, or ignore your concerns. He should be working overtime to make sure that his choices and behaviors are above board, and you’re privy to it all.
That’s behavioral trust.
The second answer is: he has to learn how to turn toward you emotionally, rather than turning toward porn. Here’s an article I wrote a while back, and it includes a helpful little video clip from reknowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman.
What Gottman talks about is emotional trust, and it really is the heart of the marriage. Too much recovery focuses solely on “sobriety” and behavioral trust–that’s just the first step. The next, bigger, harder step is emotional trust.
If your husband seems open and able in the area of emotional trust, then I’d suggest that you go through Gottmans’ book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work together as a way to deepen the emotional trust in the relationship. There are also Gottman Certified therapists who can help, if you’re finding it hard to work things out on our own.
Peace to you,
Kay
Your comments are spot on for my wife and how she feels about me. We have been married nearly 50 years, and for most of that time she trusted me just as you described your trust. Once all of my horrible sin was brought to light and we have both worked very hard and diligently on repairing the damage, she has, on more than one occasion, repeated the same doubts you described about ever regaining trust in me. We have built the trust chain one link at a time, then I my behaviors may fail and several of those links are lost. Nonetheless, we continue to work on it. Her doubts about ever regaining the trust she once had have lessened only slightly. Time will tell if our work with a counselor will ever remove enough roadblocks to restore that trust, or even a significant portion of it. Don’t feel alone. You are not alone. I wish you well with your attempts to re-establish trust.
My wife feels the same way. As a result, we’ve been in a 6+ year sexless marriage. I quit porn cold turkey, which was very difficult with zero marital sex, Unfortunately, I’ve been flirting a bit with it lately. It’s been excruciatingly difficult…we haven’t even slept in the same bed for several years. Be careful where you go with this “no trust” stuff…
Echoing “Another Sinner’s” sentiments, but from a more fortunate angle…my wife’s rebuilt trust has been one of the most powerful weapons in my battle against lust and porn for the past few years. I blew it big time, for a long time, and only quit because I was found out and thoroughly shamed. But after quitting, the trust my wife so graciously reinvested has been the single strongest source of victory in my life. (Yes, I realize that’s not necessarily ideal, but that’s the state of things atm.) My wife’s choice to trust me again has put me so deeply in her debt that the thought of letting her down is painful enough to stop temptation in its tracks. Please don’t take the possibility of earning that trust back away from your husband. He needs it desperately.
Jeanie, I can relate wholeheartedly with you. My husband has been trustworthy for 4 years now but the tinges of mistrust still attack me. I feel I need to periodically ‘remind’ him that one more setback will ruin us and the wonderful relationship we’ve built after 20 yrs of marriage. I think men are bombarded with attitudes from the public that it’s ‘no big deal’ to watch porn, that ‘everybody does it’. I think trust hinges on whether the person who broke the trust actually ‘gets’ how devastating it was to the spouse they hurt.
I counter my twinges by telling my husband that sometimes I need to talk about the problem (without being accusatory) and that he needs to understand there is no magic time frame in rebuilding trust. I also explain to him that I don’t want anything to jepardize our newfound closeness. Anger is remembered pain and I don’t want to be an angry person.
I’m sure he’s not crazy about being reminded of his shame but understands now that it’s what I need. Just stay calm and try not to put him on the defensive. He obviously loves you and wants to make you trust again. Concentrate on the good things. I’ve had to talk to myself many times telling myself not to let my imagination run away with me. I do think it’s just not in all of our DNA to ‘forget’. On a good note I’ve concentrated on taking care of myself more and it has really helped. Much luck to you (and myself).
You might be interested in considering the concept of “emotional trust” which relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discusses. When a person is emotionally trustworthy, they invest in the emotional heart of the relationship by turning toward their spouse, in the small moments of everyday life. I think porn breaks the emotional trust in relationships because the porn user continually turns away from their spouse, and toward porn instead.
I am having these same concerns. I am just becoming aware of my husband’s addiction after 8 years of marriage. This has apparently been going on since before I was ever in the picture. But I too, trusted him with every fiber of my being. Now, I feel like every happy moment we’ve experienced has all been a lie, or at least deeply misconstrued. I thought our marriage was absolutely wonderful. I never had a moment of doubt or mistrust. Now I seem to be consumed by it. He has openly admitted how wrong, how ashamed and how truly sorry he is. He is committed to beating this addiction. Or so he says. But how do I believe him? I want to. I want to help him beat this. I just don’t know how! I feel so helpless! And I am consumed with now trying to keep tabs and track of every thing he does, every website he visits, every search, everything! And to be quite honest, it’s just impossible because if he wants it bad enough, he can always find a way! The only hope I have that this will truly be in the past is to TRUST HIM! HA! I really need help in knowing how to cope with this! Not just for me, but so that I can help him and not drive him further away or even back to it. Any advice from anyone who’s been there will be GREATLY appreciated!
Hey Raven,
I’m glad your husband wants to pursue recovery. Most people need outside help to do that: a therapist, a group (like Pure Desire or SA), some friends to help hold them accountable. You shouldn’t have to keep track of everything, because he should have a team of friends and accountability partners who can help him do that.
Trust is something that you give to someone who is trustworthy. The only way to know if someone is trustworthy is by their behavior over time. So he’s got some work to do, if he wants to be trustworthy again! He has to work on emotional AND behavioral trust issues.
Meanwhile, find a counselor just for you, someone who will help you process emotions, deal with the trauma, and build healthy boundaries. Look for a support group for yourself. And check out the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Be wise and be well!
Kay
I suspect my husband is into some internet fantasies. He shuts the computer off every time I go closer to him. He even looks around to make sure no one is watching. I also found emails that he has been flirting with different women who he connects with on LinkedIn. I am devastated! I knew he had physical flirtation with women, but I didn’t know the extent of his addiction. I am praying for God to deliver my husband for Himself. Thank you so much for your encouraging article, I trust that God will set him free.
Whether or not your husband chooses the freedom God offers, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole! Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Find a group. In addition, you might like the online resources for wives at Bloom. There’s no magic wand, but healing is available if we choose! Peace to you, Kay
Kay gives some great advice! I love Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word book. It has a whole section on overcoming sexual strongholds. I prayed those scriptures over my husband daily for quite some time.
This is such a wonderful article! You can read the same information over and over again, but some people just have a knack for making it relatable and informative at the same time.
I especially loved your emphasis on love and the fact that it is selfish for a wife to expect her husband to change for her. A hard truth in the beginning, but one that must be realized. It truly is a (painful but also beautiful) blessing to be able to help someone that you love so much. And growing in faith together is one of the greatest experiences a married couple can have together.
God Bless you and your marriage!
Thank you so much. I so agree – we need to hear the truth over and over because it’s so easy to fall back into the lies. Praying for y’all, too!!
I don’t agree. There has to be something I did or didn’t do to make this happen. Somehow I am not enough.
Hey Michele,
This is going to sound harsh, but here goes: the idea that you are not enough, or somehow at fault for your husband’s choices, is a LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL.
Not only does this thinking heap completely false shame on you, but it also prevents your husband from taking responsibility for himself and doing the work that could pull him out of this trap. Satan wins. In “the woman that thou gavest me” scenario, Satan always wins.
The truth is: your husband is making choices. He can make other choices. And then he gets to be free! And when you detach yourself from his choices, you get to be free as well. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help.
Peace to you, Kay