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Rebuild Your Marriage 5 minute read

3 Reasons Deception Is More Destructive than Porn for Your Wife

Last Updated: February 15, 2019

“I can’t keep doing this!” she screams with bulging eyes and face wrenched in a tormented mix of anger, fear, and pain. “I can’t keep going through this again and again. I feel like I am going crazy! How can I stay married to a man I can’t trust?”

This is the scene I encounter every week in my office as a counselor working with men and marriages devastated by pornography. Her hair is on fire, and he is in panic mode. Overwhelmed by his wife’s anger and pain, he resorts to the oldest trick in the Book (literally) in an attempt to fix the situation. He lies, minimizes, and blames. Adam did it in the Garden, and we have been doing it ever since–with grave consequences.

When I tell a couple that lying and deception are more damaging than looking at porn, the response is shockingly predictable.

The wife looks up to catch my eyes in an “a-ha moment.” “That’s it! You nailed it on the head!” She felt this truth but couldn’t put it into words. She is relieved to have someone understand this realization resonating inside of her.

He looks, well, shocked and confused. He gives me the head cocked “cocker spaniel” look, letting me know this is all Greek to him. “How can that be?” he asks. “I was just trying to protect her from details that would only hurt her more.” Another half truth no one really believes.

Here is what I share with the men and marriages in my office about why deception is worse than looking at pornography.

Violated trust cracks the foundation of your marriage.

A fundamental breech of trust in a marriage brings everything into question. Wholeheartedly trusting someone to love and protect your heart and to act in your best interest is foundational for marriage. Having that trust violated is an act of intimate betrayal.

“Et Tu, Brute?”

The violation of lusting after other women is painful enough. Lying about it makes things worse. Now she wonders if she can trust you about anything.

Read that last statement a few times, and let it sink in.

She isn’t just afraid you are lying about looking at pornography, she is afraid she can’t trust you about anything. The naive trust is gone–it is like a death. Now she questions if you are really at the store, at the gym, or if you were actually checking work email on your phone. It understandably creates a state of paranoia, and she feels like her hair is on fire

Related: Your Wife Has Triggers Too

She feels like she lost her best friend. Now your wife’s best friend, her most intimate companion, is simultaneously the person she fears the most. Wives tell me they feel like they are going crazy when this happens. It is torturous, and there is nothing you can say or do to make it all better in the moment.

Interestingly, the part of the brain that processes relationships is the same part of the brain that processes life and death experiences. Whether you hold a gun to my head, or my wife tells me she is leaving me, I will feel the same thing.

This gives you an idea of what your wife is feeling when you lie, deceive, or blame her to take the focus off of yourself. It feels like she has a gun to her head–it is horrifying. Solomon nailed it on the head when he wrote, “An honest answer is like a kiss on lips” (Prov. 24:26).

Lying after your first disclosure amplifies the betrayal.

Relapse is a part of recovery. This is hard for wives to understand, so they are predictably angry and hurt that you acted out again.

Relapse may take you back to square one, but lying, deceiving or blaming takes you to square negative 100. If you want to make a bad situation worse, this is a great way to do it. Lying after the first disclosure is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

When this process of relapse, deception, and getting busted plays out over and over again, it gets pretty raw for both of you. She is more angry and hurt, and he is tired of the emotional explosions.

Whether it is out of pride or fear, the worst type of deception is the fearful counterattack. Knowing your wife’s suspicions–that you have been looking again even though she doesn’t have the evidence–are dead on, your best defense becomes a good offense.

Attacking your wife and calling her “crazy.” Accusing her of never forgiving you. Thinking “you’ll never trust me, so why try.” These are toxic responses to an already bad situation.

The problem is your wife will take these words to heart and actually question her reality. Even if she doesn’t tell you or show you she is doing this, it is happening. When she questions her grip on reality, it is another experience of free fall–out of control and hopeless.

When, not if, she later finds out she was right and allowed herself to doubt what she knew to be true, the sense of betrayal is magnified. This isn’t pretty for either one of you.

Please, do not go down this road. If you have been doing this, stop it now. It is psychological abuse, and you are better than that.

Related: How can I prepare for my husband’s next relapse?

Repeated deception is death by 1000 cuts.

Listen closely to what I am about to say: when your wife first finds out you have been looking at pornography, she is in shock. This means she is not feeling the full extent of the pain and betrayal.

This is the best and most loving time to tell her everything and to really come clean. Shock is God’s anesthesia, so spill the beans and spill all the beans at once.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted. –Prov. 27:6

Every time you go through the process of rebuilding trust then lying to her again, it deepens the wound. Wives in my office repeatedly tell me, “If I let my guard down, I’ll just be devastated again. It is easier not to trust or to care anymore.” Hearing your wife feels this way is terrifying. It is hard to find much hope in those words, even if she doesn’t completely feel that way.

Related: Therapeutic Disclosure–What It Is and How It Can Help Your Marriage Heal

This trickling out of the truth is torturous–literally death by 1000 cuts.  Today, a wife whose husband has repeatedly gone back to porn put it this way, “I’ve been cut so many times that I don’t have any more blood to give.”

Around 75% of the time, the wife discovers pornography rather than the husband confessing on his own. Repeated deceptions drive home her belief: “I can only trust what I discover, and I am convinced there is always more to discover.”

Honesty really is the best policy. Not just for your wife and her recovery–it is in your best interest. Being honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly actually re-builds trust with your wife and helps her heal. That means less time on the emotional roller coaster of recovery.

Think of it this way: honesty creates emotional safety for your wife (and therefore for you). Emotional safety is the foundation for any type of close relationship. Honesty and transparency actually help repair a cracked foundation (i.e. using tools like Covenant Eyes and letting her see your phone, email, texts, and iPad without pouting).

I can’t overstate how powerful it is to tell your wife the truth, even when it is painful. Every wife I have worked with emphatically tells me how helpful and healing it is when her husband tells her the truth. It is a literal and visceral relief for her.

Even if she is upset because of what you are telling her, she will respect you and be more able to forgive you if you are honest with her. I beg you… no, I dare you, to try it.

The next time you feel the reflexive urge to lie to save your own skin, or “protect your wife” from further pain, picture yourself standing over a camp fire with a bucket of full of gasoline. What you are about to do will not help anyone. If you want to keep your eyebrows, I recommend telling her the truth.

  1. tootie

    This article just spoke everything that I have felt and thought. One of the things that I pay the most attention to is the lying and the deception. More times than not, I already know the truth and I just wait for that moment for him to either tell me before I address it or wait for him to tell me the truth once I address it. Some people say things like “it’s a small lie” or “it’s not the end of the world”, well to us who have to constantly deal with a lying spouse, it’s like the end of the world. I tell him to think about his response before he responds to me. I have on occasions told him to think about how he will respond because he knows that I can find the answer or may already know the answer. So there have been cases where he had no choice but to tell partial truth but he still did whatever he could to hide the rest. That thing of accusing him of doing something I suspect, but then I get fought off with “I’m trying” or “everything will be an issue” or even those tears is just real. I have thought of myself crazy or “maybe it’s me” on too many occasions and even when I found out about gaslighting, I found myself still doing it. The starting over, we grow, then we go back to start. One thing I learned with dealing with my first husband’s drug addiction is to watch the addictive person’s actions and what they say. I can use his own words against him because the story changes so many times. This is a tough place to be as a wife who wants nothing more than a healthy marriage and to please God. This article just spoke volumes and I thank you for getting it!!!!

  2. Job Nomen

    I’m sorry, but this doesn’t address deception as a coping mechanism for a wounded man. A wounded man will continue to run from the pain his wife is causing him, even if that means by deceiving her. Is it wrong? Yes. But it’s the same cycle as suicidal thoughts: I want to get out of this pain, but I know it’s wrong. I would love to see a blog post on that subject (not suicide, but coping with poor treatment from a spouse by wishing to act out sexually).

    • Chris McKenna

      Hi Job, thank you for the suggestion. To help me understand better, as you’ve struggled through this, have you discovered any healthy alternatives to acting out sexually when in that situation?

      Peace, Chris
      Covenant Eyes

    • Sav

      Hey Job and Chris,

      I think we’re all assuming that everyone commenting with struggles in sexual purity is sold out for Christ. I think the first question should be where are you in your walk with the Lord? Have you let him into every room in your heart? Do you ask Him for direction in all you do and say? Is he your everything? Are you putting Him first? How much time a day do you devote to seeking Him… His guidance in your life and His protection over it?

      I’d be so bold to say that no one asking for help on how not to lie has sought full surrender in Christ and answered to Him first. When we know that God is our total security, when we have the confidence that God loves us and called us His own we don’t fear what our spouses will think of us when we tell them truth. We aren’t living for their acceptance. If every man here found completeness in Christ, if they loved themselves as much as God loves them, I think these comments would sound much different. I think all of these, yes all of these inquiries about how to engage with spouses could be solved w/ a deep reliance on God and following through with how He calls us to take risks and live in love and die to self. We need a deep walk with the Lord for advise, books, support groups, & counseling to be of any help. It’s so simple, put God first… don’t just say you do. Hold His commandments high, put on the armor he has given you, and fight this spiritual battle with his weaponry. Every question on this page will be solved. Christ himself will work in you.

  3. Shaun

    As the husband in this situation, I am still stuck on the lie of self protection. I am seperated, and still unable to not make it about me. My relapses are few and I immediately tell my wife – even though all my old temptations of lying, minimizing, denying pull hard at me, I have been able to not give in and to tell her. I now know my bigger sin is making her feel guilty about our situation. I continue to hurt her by not protecting her and appearing to be the good guy. I am the guy in the movies who everyone thinks is a great dad, husband, neighbor, but the wife somehow finds out he is secretly a killer. She sounds crazy as she tries to tell everyone and feels unsafe and fearful around him. I am that killer. I don’t set out to be and I deny it. My hope is that I can figure out how to protect her instead of me. It may be too late, if it is, she is beyond justified. I have changed who she is. She was an innocent trusting loving person and I have taken innocence away. I am working to change and repair what I can and I am in counseling as well. I am not the good guy- my wife is the wonderful, patient, great woman who deserves much better than what I have been.

    • Chris McKenna

      Shaun, I want to encourage you to press on. Have you surrounded yourself with the right weapons to keep you protected and accountable? Is she surrounding herself with the right care during this trying time? God is for you! The cross of Christ gives us hope and healing.

      Peace,
      Chris

    • Jan

      Oh to hear these words from my husband.

    • Sav

      Mattie,

      I feel for you. I’ve been through a 14 year marriage of straight betrayal. In fact my husband lied to me in order to get me to marry him. I felt so trapped and deceived.

      It’s been 2 years since I asked him to leave. I was destroyed and rageful at the years he stole from me. In this time alone I’ve sought out God for my healing like never before. God showed up… He actually revealed Himself and His love for me and it is beautiful and real. He showed me His plan to use me in my husband’s life. My husband is dispondant, Satan’s foothold is firm. So God and I have joined forces haha, my prayers and his angels, to break this stronghold. I see Satan and his plan and I see God and his plan. I don’t see my hurtful husband anymore. I prayed for new vision to see the spiritual realm.

      These plans are the same in every scenario of sexual sin and marriage. I read Captivating, it changed my life. We as women are called to be life-savers/givers of life, ezer kenegdos. The good news is this entails zero injury on our part! From my peaceful place I forgive my husband, freeing myself from Satan’s snares, and I pray for my husband’s full salvation, for the strength of God’s angel armies as they go on full attack on his behalf, for God’s ultimate plan to take effect, for the Holy Spirit to open his eyes to a fuller life in Christ, not just honoring to me but to God as he furthers His Kingdom on earth. Big plans. I love God’s big thinking!

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m so glad you were able to make healthy choices for yourself. God never asks us to be abused or to be slaves to the sin of another person! Thank you for sharing this message of hope and freedom.

  4. Fresh66

    This is a very destructive force that is affecting peoples lives. I work as a CSE Child Sexual Exploitation Project work and educate in schools about the risks of becoming addicted to Pornography. I believe this is not just a physical stronghold but more so a spiritual stronghold. The devil is no fool and targets the mind of people who are addicted to porn. The brain over time gets rewired and like one who is hooked on drugs you are trapped and can’t just walk away from it. There is a very clear link between porn usage and Child Sexual Exploitation. Over time the ability for porn watched at the start of its usage to stimulate the user diminishes and this cycle leads to more deviant behaviour and many have gone on to watch more violent abusive porn that is degrading to women. Not just that but also indecent images of children. This is a downward spiral that will take you further into the pit of sin that it represents. Men who are consumed by watching porn need to be spiritually set free in Jesus name and this will only come through true repentance which means a change of heart and direction. A choice has to be made about what they value the most. Their family or their habitual use of this destructive mind altering demonic lead force that has ensnared thousands of people. It really is time for men to rid themselves of this third person in their relationship.

    • Mattie

      Thank you for your response. It is definitely a heart issue and will never be changed without Christ being the center. I’ve been dealing with my husband porn, lies, and a BLATANT DISREGARD for how porn has effect our marriage. I no longer trust him at all or any man. I am broken down and realize only the living God can change any addiction. But you have to want it changed. Until men realize the damage, stop blaming everything else and take accountability it’s never gonna go away. Even in the garden they passed blame but ultimately they still were kicked out. I’m tired of begging, pleading for my husbands sexual attention and getting rejected because porn has such a grip on him. I’m tired of feeling not good enough visually or any other way. I’m tired of my needs not being met because he’s selfish about meeting his own. I’ve jumped thru every hoop put before me to draw him away from this demonic sin but ultimately it’s his heart. When you look, welcome, lie,deny any sin in your life is going to consume you. This sin seems to be considered the norm for our society. Men aren’t running from it, there embracing it, not holding themselves accountable. It’s adultery no matter how you wanna view it. God’s word makes it clear. To deny that already shows that your heart is in the wrong place. I pray for every woman going thru this because this seems to be every Woman’s battle!! I pray for the men who are earnestly wanting to be out of bandage to be BOLDLY HONEST with your wife. God gave her to you,she really is your biggest supporter.
      Draw on Jesus together, fight for your marriage, not each other.

    • Chris McKenna

      Powerful, heartfelt words, Mattie.

    • Dianah Shiflett

      AMEN. I have heard so often (even from The Pulpit) that “David looked upon Bathsheba” as a continual excuse for lust. Apparently they bi-passed Job who made a Covenant w The Lord to punish him if he Ever looked upon a maiden with lust in his heart. God help us all! My husband lived a double life until I found out 36 yrs in. After nearly 5yrs of my own recovery I can truthfully say… A man with that level of deception is Untrustworthy & Unsafe PERIOD. Reprobate as The Lord says in His Word. Any Redemption will be between him & God. He “played” at recovery…the NarNarcacissm ssm is his God it appears.

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m glad you were able to face the reality, even though it’s hard. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Kit

    Wow! A man who understands! I have been trying to communicate these same concepts to my husband for nearly 4 years since D-day. The emotional roller coaster described has now turned into physical health issues for me. Nearly constant fear of the next ‘slip’ or ‘relapse’ has been the cause. Only 1 week ago I had to go through this process AGAIN after I caught him. This led to the typical self preserving denying, minimizing, justifying and compartmentalizing that I am forced to endure to get to the truth. I don’t know how much more of this I can subject myself to. I will ask my husband to read this and pray he will have an epiphany. On a side note: these responses by wives and partners are the results of Betrayal Trauma; clearly explained in another CE article by Dr. Skinner. I only hope more professionals will begin to understand that wives and partners are clearly suffering due to their husband’s and boyfriend’s sex and/or porn addictions.

  6. Melissa

    This article is spot on to exactly what I have been telling my husband for over 8 years. I can deal with anything he has thrown at me but I can’t deal with the lying. It has destroyed our relationship, my trust in him and/or in most people for that matter. Sexual addiction and the trauma it has caused in my life has changed me in a way that I never though possible. Thank you for putting in to words what I have been feeling for so very long!!!

    • Thank you Melissa. I’m glad this put what you are feeling into words. I also regret that you have had to go through it.

    • D

      I am so sad. I have been very patient with my husband. He has said, “there’s more and it’s worse” three times so far. This feels like abuse and torture as he says he said it because I was pushing him and just won’t believe him. I believe that was a slice of truth. I believe that there is a lot more and it’s worse. I am broken by the deception’s. We are in marriage counseling. He has revealed little about his 38 yr. Addiction. I am loved by God and our 4 children, now adults. I struggle with my committment and hope for our marriage vs any abuse is wrong. Thanks for the info

  7. Kerri

    All the articles on CE are wonderful and helpful. But I have to say, it is always a breath of fresh air the hurt partner’s feeling and pain to be validated! This was spot on! My husband has been on the porn wagon even before we were married (I didn’t know it at the time), but I found out shortly after we married. So it’s been 20 years of this roller coaster. And I finally got to the point of no longer feeling **anything**. I told him the ‘light’ went out, and that our marriage was completely dead. We have separated, and it’s been 9 months. I just want to hit a few spots for those who are in my shoes:
    1. The article is very true that the pain is in the betrayal and lying about it. BUT, that being said (and I know an article can only address so many things at once), after 20 years…..there turning back to porn (and it’s very real consequences, in our case, of losing his job because of it) will be just as damaging, even if he comes clean.

    2. Jeanie, I feel your pain! I wanted off the roller coaster, so I told him he had to leave. No, it doesn’t get rid of the porn, but it got rid of dealing with him on a daily basis (trust me, after 20 years, porn has greater affects than just the pain of lying, a husband will treat you as a second class citizen).

    3. I know that a man (or woman) turns to porn because there is a big gaping hole in their needs, that will never be filled by their partner! They need help to know where that hole is and how to let it heal.

    4. Please, please, please, any woman out there who is getting counseling from a couple who has been in your shoes….if this is a first time offense, I would say give it a go, BUT if you’ve been dealing with this for years on end,get professional help!!!! We had a couple counseling us, since the church believed that any believer who is versed in God’s word could counsel…..this is NOT true. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt any more than I already was, but the counseling I received was very damaging. Regardless of what your christian couple counselors tell you, if you have red flags, or they are not allowing you to feel you pain and express it…get the heck out as fast as you can!!! I kept being counseled that I had to forgive (which is true, but should be done in MY timing), BUT that I had to be the best wife I could be, including the physical part. NO, NO, NO!!!! They were totally against any boundaries, and just kept telling me again and again that I was sinning! This is NOT counseling this was bondage. Do not feel guilty! Run from anyone counseling you in this way!

    I know that was not very positive, but I pray it may help someone else! I know I can’t be the only one who has been down this road. As a side note….It’s been nine months of separation, and God IS using it to bring healing, and for Him to do the work that only He can do. My husband is making progress, though I will say that I have no patience whatsoever with the fact that he is still looking at stuff. BUT that being said, he is making his own boundaries, it is getting better, and it is helpful to know that your husband WILL relapse (it’s part of the process). It has been helpful when he is honest about it. There is hope. I still do not know if our marriage will stand, but there is hope for getting over the pain and hurt! Hang in there!

    • Hi Kerri,
      Thank you so much for what you wrote. Other wives need to hear what you said- your experience. Unfortunately- well intentioned attempts to help from the church can be even more wounding and destructive

      I’m glad to hear that the separation has been fruitful. God never wastes pain- and He is patient with us as we heal.

    • Sav

      Angela,

      I feel your pain… that cycle is a nightmare. I was in that storm, trying to be a good wife, trying not to give up on my marriage. There is a certain amount of empathy necessary to be in a healthy relationship. When someone is detached enough to injure and reinjure endlessly I personally think it’s time to take a step back… Set boundaries. I don’t know what that will look like for you but I can speak from my experience… writing you now, removed from the storm, in God’s perfect peace, even without transformation from my husband.

      In my case of 14 years of psychological, emotional and verbal abuse and a continued addiction ensuing, I did the unthinkable. I felt stirred for the first time by God to let my husband go… to let him go to his creator, to the one who knows him best. I asked him to leave the house. I thought it would be scary to be alone, I thought I’d feel embarrassed before others, I thought the workload of the house and kids would crush me… none of this was true. I joined a support group called Heaing Hearts at Mariners Church in Irvine Ca and God met me, consoled me, became my Father/protector and Romancer/companion… my everything. I felt weightless, I fell on my knees before God and he gave me clarity, and vision into the spiritual world and the real enemy ruling my husband’s thoughts and actions. With the correct opponent sized up I’m now going into action against the forces of darkness and praying for my husband’s full salvation.

      I’m reading The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. It helped immensely in recognizing the root of this storm. Satan takes satisfaction in our weariness, in our being battered while in his storm. We’re tormented, unable to see clearly, find peace or be powerfully used by God. He is “the adversary” Job 1:6. He is the tempter, Matt 4:3; Thes 3:5. He is the father of lies, John 8:44. “He seeks to distract you, discourage you, divide you from others, and disable you from experiencing everything that is rightfully yours as an adopted member of God’s family. He wants to terrorize you until you are rendered incapacitated, miserable and incapable of living in the benefits of a victory that has already been won.” We must be able to discern this disruption and be alert and on our guard against the true enemy.

      Praying for you, that you would hear God’s voice and take comfort in where he leads you as you trust him only. He is your shelter in the storm.

    • Kay Bruner

      Thank you for sharing this powerful testimony to healthy boundaries!

    • Dilya

      This applies to more than pornography… my husband is an alcoholic who has completely destroyed any trust I will ever have for him and the love I once felt for him. I asked him to stop, went to AA meetings with him when they were court ordered, and daily asked him to please not drink…. after being married for 37 … yes 37!!! Years I no longer love or trust him. I stay because of finances and I truly love his family… the day the straw broke and I packed my bags to leave, he decided he’d try and change…. it’s been a year and he wonders why I don’t love him … I will never ever trust him again and it’s hard to love someone you cannot trust. It doesn’t help that I also caught him viewing porn … and he can’t say it’s because of lack of sex… I should have left a long time ago…

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been through in your marriage. I agree with you completely: love requires trust. Emotional trust is the key component in a relationship: does the other person care how I’m feeling? Will they turn toward me instead of away from me, or even against me? Without emotional trust, you’re left with a shell of a relationship.

    • Tanya

      Kerri, all of this! Thank you!!

  8. Tears, to see in words, what has has been the story for so many women, and men that have had to deal with the psychological abuse from their spouse over addiction. Thank you for the article.

    • It is deeply sad to see couples suffer through the results of deception. I’m thankful that there is still a path to healing even when there has been so much devastation.

    • Angela

      This is one of the best articles I have read. Yes, the pain of repeated betrayal is brutal, crushing, faith shaking…. Now what?? How many times do you allow (as a wife) for this pain to be repeated?! How many chances do you give your “repented” godly husband another chance to crush you again? How many times do you continue to cling to God believing and praying for change only to again have your heart slaughtered and disappointed again?

    • D

      I am so sad. I have been very patient with my husband. He has said, “there’s more and it’s worse” three times so far. This feels like abuse and torture as he says he said it because I was pushing him and just won’t believe him. I believe that was a slice of truth. I believe that there is a lot more and it’s worse. I am broken by the deception’s. We are in marriage counseling. He has revealed little about his 38 yr. Addiction. I am loved by God and our 4 children, now adults. I struggle with my committment and hope for our marriage vs any abuse is wrong. Thanks for the info

  9. daniel d faugot

    This is the most accurate article and the most important article I have read in relation to my addiction. Every husband who is suffering with the addition of lust and pornography needs to read this article and then read it again. The greatest damage to a relationship comes from the lying and the deception. I know this to be true because my wife told me this ” more than any of your sins of lust, pornography and all the acting out, what hurt me the most was that you lied to me over and over again.” Yes the TRUTH will set you free! Thank you Covenant Eyes and thank you Carl Stewart!!!

    • Thank you for sharing your experience. May the Lord continue to heal you, your wife, and your marriage.

  10. This is one of the best articles I have read so far. During my husband’s first disclosure, he told me a lot, even things that I did not want to hear. But, in a weird way, through all my pain, I felt relieved. I always knew something was wrong but, I never knew what. I was devastated but I was very happy that he was telling me the truth. But after his truthful disclosure, he went right back to “protection” mode, with lies, half-truths, lies by omission and I feel…every deception trick imaginable. I sometimes discover the real truth and his response is usually, “I didn’t want to upset you.” Of course my response to him is, “What you really mean is, you didn’t feel like dealing with my reaction, right?” And then, we are back to square one and, I feel that I have been betrayed all over again. I would much rather hear the truth, even if it causes me pain because, at least I feel as though I can trust him. We have been riding the emotional roller coaster of recovery for a long time now and, he just doesn’t get it. I am going to let him read this article later. I hope it helps. Thank you. I think your article is fantastic because…it’s all true!

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey Jeanie. Can I ask, does your husband have a counselor? Sounds like a CSAT therapist would be helpful–someone who understands how to push past the denial. And, do you have a counselor just for you? So many times, I see wives not getting the help that they need to process emotions and build healthy boundaries. Dealing with recovery long-term can be so traumatic to a spouse–just want to make sure you’re getting help! Peace, Kay

    • I’m glad this helps in some way. The pain of repeated betrayals is brutal- every time a little trust builds up it is demolished. I pray that the Lord works in your husband to do what is probably terrifying for him to think of- be honest and clear even when it hurts you.

    • Jaclyn

      I whole heartedly agree with your comment and the article itself. I am now in marriage #2…second verse same as the first. This time I have been married 9 years next month and have just dealt with it longer than in my first marriage. My first husband blamed it ALL on my…my current blames it on his past and his inability to be what I want him to be (in a negative sense…like I want perfection) but what he gives me is not even close to what I believe ANYONE deserves in a marriage…its the porn, the money, the alcohol, the bank account, and credit cards, and lavish purchases and spending as well as all the money he throws at people to bail them out of their crap. I finally got the courage to ask him for a separation. I have a daughter and I have the Lord…so I am trusting in my individual counseling, I can gain some rest and recovery from the undertow I have been in for over 7 years and in our counseling together, to find the answers we need…primarily, is he willing to fight. I am willing to wait, but this time he needs to do the work and do it on his own without my constant KNOWING that I am being deceived. At least now, I can watch from afar. I could add so much more to that, but I just wanted to let that breathe.

    • This is probably the best I’ve ever read on this subject. And I’ve studied a lot! Trying to understand myself and what’s going on psychologically with ME, after deception. Most writings give insight into understanding men and betrayal. Not often have I read anything that speaks so accurately to women and so perfectly understanding of the psychological effects of living in a post betrayal, continually deceptive environment. Praying for complete freedom from this trauma.

    • Patrick Medina

      I am desperate for help in my marriage of almost 22 years. The way we are heading because of me not being there fir my wife in her healing from my sexual sins we may not make it to our 22nd anniversary. I read this article and got deeply convicted bit i need help and i need it soon. Can anyone please help me before i loose the best thing that has ever happened to me second to my relationship to God. Please help

    • Kay Bruner

      You might want to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist for yourself. Regardless of whether the marriage can be restored, you need help and healing, which is readily available when you’re ready to do the work!

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