Updated July 2021.
I call these three emotional states the “Devil’s Triangle of Triggers.” We can’t handle them on our own, and they’ll often send you looking for porn before you know what hit you.
Trigger 1: Helplessness
Tom is so frustrated he is about to rip the pillow in my office in half. “I’m doing everything I can to earn my wife’s trust back. I am killing myself to look for ways to show her I love her–that I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Every time I look in my wife’s eyes I see the pain I caused. I don’t know what else to do!” Tom’s eyes are bloodshot, and the veins on his neck are bulging.
I met Tom right there, matching his intensity, “You are so frustrated that you can’t see straight. You can’t do anything right now to fix it or to make the pain go away.”
Tom’s eyes lock in mine–we are on the same wavelength and we know it. The tension in the room is thick.
With my next few words, Tom’s whole countenance drops as he realizes what was really driving him over the cliff. “You feel helpless to get her to trust you, or take away her pain.”
With that one word, helpless, Tom fell back into the couch like he had been shot.
The first of the “Devil’s Triangle of Triggers” is helplessness.
We will do almost anything to get away from feeling helpless. Try twice as hard, give up because you know you will lose, find a way to numb out. You get the idea.
Porn comes calling–offering an escape from feeling helpless.
Trigger 2: Hopelessness
Luis slumps down on the couch. “I did it again. I promised myself, my wife, and my men’s group that I was done with pornography. I’ll never get away from this stuff. She will never trust me again.”
“I can’t imagine living this way forever,” his voice trailed off as he stared into space, “it’s depressing.”
The second culprit is hopelessness.
Hopelessness says that things will never change because they can’t change. Hopelessness says that you can try as hard as you want, as long as you want, and you will end up in the same place. Despair. Free-fall. Frozen. Overwhelmed. Guys use these words to describe what is happening inside of them when they feel hopeless.
You can see the 2,000 pound boulder on Luis’ back. Hopelessness is crushing. Porn whispers in his ear–offering to numb the pain.
Hopelessness still takes a back seat to trigger three.
Trigger 3: Worthlessness
Knees on his elbows and his head in his hands, Andrew sighs. “I keep hurting my wife. I am a great provider, I coach my kids’ baseball teams. I teach Sunday School. I keep getting promoted at work,” he pauses, “but I keep going back to this stuff.”
Then it comes out. “What is wrong with me?” Andrew’s eyes bulge. His horrified expression begs for an answer to the question. In that moment, Andrew feels worthless.
You could also say shame–it’s the same thing. Shame says, “I am bad,” versus, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “There is nothing good in here–so I better hide, I better cover up.”
Shame and worthlessness are toxic emotions. In that moment there is no escape. The judge, jury, and executioner have all spoken.
If you already feel worthless, it is easier to go back to porn. That is what worthless or bad people do. At least it will feel good for a few moments, or so you tell yourself.
Related article: Shame’s Massive Role in Porn Use
So there you have it: helpless, hopeless, and worthless. The Devil’s Triangle of Triggers.
What to Do When You’re in the Devil’s Triangle of Triggers
For guys who try to break free from pornography, these triggers are typically at the heart of every relapse. Any one of these is enough to send you over the edge. Combine two or all three of them and it becomes utterly consuming.
Paul wrote in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Does this sound familiar to you? And he wrote most of the New Testament.
When the Devil’s Triangle of Triggers shows up, your first inclination is to isolate. Unfortunately, this has the same effect as throwing water on a grease fire. It makes things worse, not better.
The best thing you can do when you find yourself in the middle of the Devil’s Triangle is connect with someone. Not hook up with a woman. Not talk with another dude about football. Talk with someone you know and trust, and tell them what you are thinking and feeling. (Yes, I just used the “F” word for guys.)
Here’s why you need to do this: simply acknowledging your thoughts and feelings to another person actually calms these feelings. It regulates them.
Your brain releases oxytocin–the same hormone released during sex (smaller amount) when you connect in this way. This calms the brain down and pulls you out of free fall.
Just telling someone–not even problem solving–is a powerful antidote for the Devil’s Triangle.
I can’t tell you how often men come back into my office after actually trying this. They doubted me, told me it isn’t their style. Former soldiers, hard driving businessmen, engineers, all of them. They are all shocked at how well this works.
I beg you, I dare you to try this.
A lot of people have lost their lives in the Devil’s Triangle. Don’t be a statistic–pick up that “500 lb phone”–reach out to someone and see what happens.
Related: Trigger Alert! What’s Yours?
As a woman I cannot remain silent on the issue of “needing” sexual release.
I have a much stronger sex drive than my husband and I get turned down ALL THE TIME. I do not use the word “need” for sex as it implies I will die without it. I will die without food and water.
Do I want sex? Yes! I am frustrated (beyond what I can explain) and tempted to masturbate and watch porn, BUT I choose not to use porn as an excuse for “needing” sex.
I am sexually frustrated with the lack of sex with my husband. I RUN to God. Literally run to God and ask for his help.
I believe if we tell ourselves we “need” sex it can lead to entitlement to use alternate ways to satisfy ourselves.
Will I be frustrated? Yes! Will I die? No.
I am driven to run to God.
This is soooo relatable tho I’m a guy and single too buh then the frustration is unexplainable.
I won’t mind a prayer for strength and wisdom.
Thanks.
Okay so first of all no, if he’s married and not getting sex then that’s wrong on her. God says that husband and wife both should keep each other satisfied. They should. Also these three things aren’t porn triggers, seeing a naked woman or man or seeing even slightly sexual stuff is a trigger for most addicts.
I lost everything due to porn. Now shes married to a non believer and I get to watch my ex wife and our children living with another man. She asked me to quit but I couldn’t. 8 years ago and the pain never really goes away. Porn will always call my name. Today I am free. God has given me a path and his word when read daily helps me to fight the hell.
I watch porn almost on a daily basis, mostly because i feel i am not enough for my girlfriend even though she says im perfect for her. Yes i watched long before i met her, mainly due to the fact i was heartbroken and lonely, and i knew if i ever found someone that I needed to learn ways to please whoever my future would be with. My feelings of worthlessness somewhat stopped once i noticed patterns of how the reactions all seemed the same and i came to realize everywoman is faking it, they have all had better than whoever they are with at the moment, yet they put on the act to make you feel good about yourself. Nearly every woman has had toys bigger than any man she will ever have, so really sex is pointless besides the fact that a partner is warmer than a toy and less work for her to get something out of it, weather its only 5 minutes or 2 hours. Porn is pointless, as is sex.
I’ll try to keep my comments short, but what I have concern with in the article is such a huge emphasis on SELF in these triggers. There was nothing stated here regarding how each of these triggers are centered in the FLESH. These are things that need to be repented of, not just brought into the light.
My arc and story with pornography is long and ugly. Addicted for years, set free, and then returned to willful using. The Lord had to confront me with how deep my idolatry and love for this sin went. It’s beyond tragic how many tears I shed, convinced I that hated pornography, when the truth was I only hated the consequences of it. My Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness were things that had to be called out…over and over again.
Freedom came with a very long, drawn out lesson in learning the exchange of the Cross. The only answer for the Hopeless, Helpless, and Worthless man is death! The Old Man must be put off and the New Man must be put on (Ephesians 4:17-24). Talking about how Hopeless, Helpless, and Worthless you are will never get you there.
Please, understand that I’m not diminishing the mandate of the article. You must walk in the Light; the Flesh and the Devil hate that. Nor am I hard and insensitive to the battle for freedom. It would have been helpful to have a more rounded solution to the problem presented. I don’t think it would have taken too much more space, or perhaps links to some of CE’s other articles, which are excellent.
There are so many layers to an individuals sexualization, objectification, and the acting out that this life produces. All of this must be confronted by the Cross and answered with the Person of Jesus. Learning that His mercy will always triumph over judgment is how I now live through every day. We never need to fear what our flesh can produce, we only need to fear not confronting it with the Grace and Truth in Christ. This is His yoke.
I am very saddened to read of how hopeless some of the men and women are here in the comments.
I know I would not be here today, if it were not for my wife. If any man or wife needs encouragement, feel free to contact either of us through our website.
Thank you very much, Admin, for linking to the ministry! God’s continued blessing on CE. I’m thankful you are here.
How do you make that “exchange”, putting (reckon yourself dead unto sin) how do I do that?
This isn’t realistic; men need sexual release, and if their wives don’t give it to them for any number of reasons, is it better to get release watching porn at home or to he out on the streets with actual people looking for sex? I never understood the massive stigma we Christians have attached to porn and sexuality, very sad that many wives even commenting on here see it as adultery instead of using it as a stimulation or initiative to the sex life they clearly don’t have with their husbands. Marriage is supposed to be fun, and last a lifetime, and not be about controlling each other.
I clicked on this because I’m a guy…married…and I feel rejected – not just regarding sex but also affection in general.
I’m to blame because I’ve been in an all-consuming job, we’ve grown apart, I’m not that sensitive/empathic, and just needed to work at connecting better. Sometimes I wonder if porn would be an outlet for my frustration…and what would my wife care because she’s not interested in me anyway. What holds me back is I fear that viewing something I can’t feel/touch/experience would make me even MORE depressed. And I don’t want to see something that crosses over into hardcore/gross…basically I don’t trust web searches on this subject.
But this article hit home on the WORTHLESS trigger because I DO feel worthless and that has my brain turning.
I tried reaching out to someone I trusted. They said they would be there for me and ageed to hold me accountable. When I needed them the most, they were not there. Wouldn’t answer their phone or return calls. We do not communicate to this day. Hard to reach out to anyone else when the one person you thought you could trust and rely on couldn’t be there for you. So far doing well on my own, but I do have days I fall and regret my decision later.
My trigger? A wife that says “quit” when the touching starts becoming sexual. I am so tired of laying in bed and touching my wife and being filled with angst over whether I should initiate sex. The rejection has become unbearable. Porn is a lot easier. Shame feels better than rejection.
This is a real frustration for men. Some of us adore our wives. We want to be with only her. I understand how frustrating it is when a wife isn’t interested in sexual encounters like I am. The guilt when giving into open is worse. There has to be conversation, prayer and understanding. Let’s be adults and let elephant out of room. If not sex, men need release from wives. Wives need attentiveness and godly leadership. Neither me or my wife have mastered these. I feel your pain but understand we can’t understand women’s minds
This is so true! You end up feeling like a perv because you want sex with your wife, and you are the only one that ever initiates it, but keep getting rejected. You desperately need an outlet for that sexual tension that builds up, and porn becomes the tool you use as a release. You try talking to your wife about the lack of sex, and all you get is excuses.
You hit the nail on the head with these triggers. I get this trifecta of triggers (sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once), and it leads me right to that direction. It is a very hard thing to overcome, and sometimes I can while at other times I fall straight into the trap.
As they say once an addict always an addict, but just because you are an addict doesn’t mean you don’t overcome. Alcoholics and drug addicts overcome daily. We also have to adhere to the words of Apostle Paul who says,”I die daily”, and dying to yourself on a daily basis is the hardest thing. I will tell you there are times when I watch porn and as myself, “why am I watching this, it’s stupid”, but I do it anyway.