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6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts

Last Updated: August 9, 2021

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

The following is an excerpt from our free e-book, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.


Why does he look at porn?

There are a few things you need to understand about your husband’s heart and his use of porn. The first is simply that men are visually stimulated in a way most women are not. Men like to look at naked women, and pornography offers unlimited access. Pornography also offers a fantasy world where they can imagine themselves being desired by eager and seductive women. Over time, as he watches more porn, his virtual harem can seem more appealing than face-to-face intimacy with his wife.

Psychological scars frequently contribute as well. Many men struggling with pornography use were exposed to it at a young age. For example, men often report having stumbled across a copy of Playboy in their father’s dresser. With the advent of the Internet, more men than ever before were exposed to porn as children. One study reports that 93% of boys are exposed to Internet porn before the age of 18. This early exposure almost inevitably leads to a struggle with pornography into adulthood.

It’s also possible that your husband is experiencing what Mark W. Gaither of Redemptive Heart Ministries describes as a sense of “toxic shame,” or the belief that he is horribly broken and beyond hope. (Normal shame, on the other hand, is the sense that he has done something wrong that has broken your relationship.) He may think he is unlovable, and fear that if he allows you to draw close, you will notice his flaws and lose respect for him. Rather than run this risk, he may have turned to the always-willing, always-happy girls of porn. Retreating to pornography can then make him feel even more of a failure, feeding into his toxic shame, and causing the cycle to continue. Eventually he builds up internal defenses to justify his use to the point that he no longer notices the shame.

There are likely other contributing factors (including in some cases sexual abuse as a child). A counselor will be able to help him identify and work through these. What you need to remember is that your husband would struggle with pornography regardless of whom he married. His use of pornography is not your fault.

How can he watch porn and say he loves me?

Compartmentalization comes more naturally to men than women. To him, different parts of life—work, you and your children, his hobbies—don’t necessarily interact. He may believe that viewing pornography in secret protects you from the consequences of his actions. He might even rationalize that hiding his actions or lying about it is the best way to love you in the midst of a bad situation.

As you recover, he will need to learn that this is not true.

Why does he prefer porn to sex with me?

Some men seem to prefer looking at pornography to intimacy with their wives. There are a few reasons for this. First, men crave respect and measure their own worth in terms of adequacy. Sometimes they fear really being known because it will result in you discovering his defects. Because of this, at the beginning of your relationship he may have overemphasized just sex instead of focusing on intimacy. For the same reason, porn and masturbation feel like safer alternatives to him. Even if you’ve made yourself sexually available to him, he knows that porn girls will never say “No”—never discover his inadequacies—and he never has to worry about meeting their needs.

There’s a neurological side as well. Pornography rewires the brain, training him to desire the hormonal rush from porn instead of sex with you. The chemical vasopressin, which is released during the sexual act, bonds the man to his sexual partner. With repeated pornography use, he is bonding himself to images on a screen. Given that many men were exposed to pornography during childhood, he may have chemically bonded with the women of pornography long before you entered the picture.

Some men become so dependent on porn that it becomes a behavioral addiction. Much like a drug addict, men entrenched in pornography will do anything for their fix, including sacrificing what should be most dear to them.

Read the e-book Your Brain on Porn for more details about how pornography has rewired your husband’s brain.

Keep in mind that not all men show this symptom of addiction. A man might regularly use pornography and often pursue sex with his wife.

Why am I not enough?

During sex, natural opiates are released, along with dopamine, creating a pleasurable experience. However, repeated stimulation, particularly through porn and masturbation, eventually builds up a resistance. It’s like a drug; the more he gets, the more he needs.

In simple terms, you’re “not enough” because his repeated porn use has vastly accelerated his tolerance for these chemical rushes, far beyond the levels of monogamous sex with you. In particular, pornography has trained him to be turned on by variety, which no single woman can provide. It also explains why he may have turned to harder porn or acted out through an affair—he’s looking for the rush that you, through no fault of your own, can never provide.

Is this my fault?

Often men have the tendency to blame-shift, claiming that if you were prettier or thinner or more open to sex or less of a nag, that they wouldn’t need to turn to the fantasy that pornography provides. Even if men don’t say these things, their wives will often wonder such things about themselves. Often wives will tie their own self-worth to their husbands’ opinions of them. A drop in self- esteem is common after a betrayal.

If your husband is telling you such things, he is trying to rationalize and justify his desire for porn by shifting the blame to you. By blaming you, he protects himself from shame and avoids any suggestion he is not adequate. If he is not ready to take responsibility for his own behavior, “he will say anything to convince you, and even himself, that he does not have a problem. Blaming you is an easy way to save face,” explains Ella Hutchinson.

You could be the most beautiful, supportive woman in the world and he’d still turn to porn. Remember, even Tiger Woods cheated on his supermodel wife.

Is this it for our marriage?

Unfortunately, many marriages never recover. A survey from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers states that 56% of divorce cases involve one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

However, countless marriages have recovered in spite of the husband’s use of pornography, or even adultery. This will require significant work from both you and your husband. You will need to set boundaries that will reestablish your sense of safety and security during this time. When he violates one of these boundaries, be prepared to follow through on the consequences you have promised. You will also need to seek counseling and support to help you recover from the trauma his actions have caused to your marriage. Your husband will need to take whatever steps necessary to break free from pornography. This will likely involve putting Internet accountability software on his computer and smartphone, as well as seeking counseling and personal support for himself.

Photo credit: james_sickmind

  • Comments on: 6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts
    1. Jocelyn Sophia on

      I am really glad that there are people who consistently tell people to not pollute your eyes and mind with pornography. PEOPLE JUST STOP LOOKING AT IT!

      Reply
      • Trisha on

        I don’t think it’s always as simple as ‘just stop looking at it’. I think someone with a full blown addiction needs help to stop, and for every addict that probably means different things. My husband looked at porn for years and I had no idea, only that something was not quite right. It wasn’t until I caught him that his shame was his rock bottom, and that was the motivation for him to finally change his behavior. I asked him why he never simply decided to stop in his own, if it made him feel as guilty and shameful as he said it did. He said he would stop for a while, but it was easy to slip back into it because it was a secret, and because he would justify it in his mind even though he knew it was wrong. So I guess all I’m saying is, don’t assume it’s as simple and easy as ‘just stop’.

      • Maria on

        Was crying reading this. My boyfriend watches porn. I just broke up with him. Saving myself from even more future pain. Thank you for sharing.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Maria. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now, and so glad you’ve been able to make choices that feel right for yourself in this relationship. You might want to check out this article about boundaries in dating. And I’ve written a short ebook that includes more ideas and some conversation starters that might be helpful in future relationships; it’s available at Amazon. Blessings, Kay

      • Richa Chandra on

        I hope you ll be able to help me come out of my misery .. I am married. It will be 7 years this year. N before that we were in a relationship for 6 years. I have recently given birth to my second child , a beautiful baby girl . She turns 2 months tomorrow. In the last month of my pregnancy there was a complication n I was advised by the docs to go for a c section and not normal delivery which I desperately wantEd as my first one was also a normal delivery. I was totally traumatised. But my husband never supported the way I thot he should not would.. he was there but not there actually. We really loved each other. At least I think so. He appeared to be not bothered by my dilemma or never showed me that he was.. then one afternoon I picked his phone to call someone n there it was. … porn videos from Porn websites. Sexual Videos on you tube. Never seen a dirtier history on you tube. Pictures of nude teens. .. I got the shock of my life . On his Facebook he had also recently added his ex whom he should have known that I totally despise as we have fought over her many times in past. Sadly he was watching porn since I had conceived and I could make out he was badly onto it . Saw him masturbating in the same room where even I would be sleeping. Would take hours in toilet n would go multiple times. I stopped sleeping in the same room in the last 10 15 days of my 9th month even then he did not bother to check on me. My tempo used to be down throughout, had stopped speaking to him much , only when necessary. . But he wasn’t bothered in fact he used to joke about it to my son n encourage it. I was dying inside as I was giving him time to tell me what he was upto or at least ask the reason for such a change in my behaviour. But it seemed he was interested in none . When I confronted him , he said that I am mad n I need to trust him n what not .. but then I asked him why would he search for porn on his phone then he was quite. I have never felt so worthless in my life . So non worthy of any affection from him even during my pregnancy days. In my second trisemester we did have sex maybe 10 11 times but all the while during that period too he was watching porn . I am doomed. His betrayal has hurt me the most. He watched it even after out confrontation n then again I asked him why would he do it . He had no answer. What really bothers me is the kind of stuff he would watch – naked topless beauties , nude innocent teens ?? College girls ?? Its really unsettling. I also have a little girl now. M very confused and worried. We married for love ( at least I think so ) but his actions clearly mean that there is no love and even no sensitivity that one has towards his friends .. what should I do ?? I am doomed!

      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks for sharing your story, Richa. I hope I can give you some links and resources that will help you through this tough time.

        I agree this is a very sad and difficult set of circumstances, and we aren’t sure if your husband will choose to take responsibility for himself or not. But whatever he chooses to do, YOU can choose to be healthy. Even if he makes terrible choices and this relationship ends, you are NOT doomed. You are a strong, courageous woman and you’ll find a way through. I hope he ends up making good choices and that your relationship will grow through this. But, no matter what he chooses, you can be well.

        First of all, please find a counselor in your area who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. You might want to look for someone who specializes in trauma. (Even aside from the porn issues, it sounds like you’ve got birth trauma that needs to be healed, and the counselor can help with that.) You might also want to find a group to give you support.

        Here’s a listing of our top resources for wives. You may find help in the stories and ideas of other women who’ve been in situations like yours. Lots of women go through this and find a way to be okay. You can, too.

        You might want to tune into Jen Ferguson’s periscope on Fridays at 2.

        I hope those things help in this hard time. Blessings, Kay

      • sam on

        My boyfriend watches porn and hides it I feel it’s cheating and he doesn’t last night he kept trying to get me to have a 3 sum with a girl down the street who he was secretly texting behind my back and she was trying to get him to sleep with her also his friend who he has hooked up with before I don’t want to do it he said it’s happening anyways I feel lost and depressed and almost read to give up to stop myself from getting hurt anymore I love him and every other part of our relationship is perfect that’s our only problem I have talked to him many times about this and he just asks other girls what they think and there usually like well porn is fine but he doesn’t realize he’s not with those girls it’s my opinion that matters not there’s and before we even started dating I told him how I feel about porn I never hid it from him so last night I got super upset and punched myself in the face and caused my own nose to bleed I’m depressed and suffer from severe anxiety and trust issues so that’s why I am so confused what to do I have been seeking help from therapists but that takes a while to get into

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Sam,
        I think it might be time for you to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you. You are not required to stay in a relationship when your values are violated, and when you’re so distressed that you’re self-harming. I’m glad you’re working on getting in to a therapist. I think having support as you make these new healthy choices for yourself will be critical. You could also look for a support group in your area. And you might want to look into the online resources at Bloom for Women.
        Peace to you,
        Kay

    2. Melissa on

      About 5 years ago, my husband’s porn use was out of control. Most of it he was watching in the morning before work. Actually, probably all of it was being watched before work. Somedays he would come home and not want to be intimate with me, which really hurt. Why are you up at 5:30 am watching these disgusting videos, but when I want to be intimate when he’s home, he’s too tired? I threatened divorce. We contemplated couple’s therapy for a little bit, but never went through with it because of the cost. We simply couldn’t afford it, and we weren’t attending a church at that time, so a pastor’s help was out of the question. The porn watching seemed to have teetered off for a little bit, or maybe I just gave up on nagging my husband about watching it.

      That feeling I felt when he was watching porn 5 years ago has come back. He’s doing it again, in the mornings before work. Although he doesn’t seem like he’s not interested in me, it still hurts to know that he’s up at 6 in the morning hiding in the bathroom with the iPad looking at porn. Before the iPad, he was using my smart phone. At one point he even downloaded (and would delete afterward) apps that he could use to search for it. I confronted him about that, and now he just uses regular safari and deletes the history. That’s how I know what he’s doing. It’s pretty frequent, too. Like at least 3 or 4 days a week. Sometimes more, but never really less.

      We have 2 beautiful sons that are 6 and 3. It makes me sad that because of my husband’s addiction, the kids will probably be exposed to porn at a young age. Not by any intention of my husband, but by potential carelessness if they were to use a computer we own, or the iPad, etc. THEN I think of their future wives, and how they might feel if my kids succumb to the same addiction, and how it could affect their marriages.

      I don’t know what to say to him, or how to even start the conversation even though we’ve been here before. I’m afraid it could lead to infidelity, or Lord knows what else….

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Melissa,

        I am so sorry to hear about what your husband is doing to you. It is sad how common this story is today: so many men entrenched in porn, so many wives feeling lost.

        As far as next steps for you, I recommend, first, that you get this free book (you can download the digital version). It will help you think through some of the issues you are dealing with.

        You said you weren’t attending a church then. Are you now? Could you reach our for help there?

        Please, get the book, read it, and let me know what questions you have next.

      • Kimberly Fairchild on

        I caught my fiance on a flint escort website it broke my heart .I don’t know if he actually met one he said he didn’t but why an escort site..my heart is broke knowing I wasn’t enough he always got mad at me cuz I wouldn’t wear sex lingure for him ..I’d ask for the reason y he was on that site he would say I just couldn’t believe they dressed thay way it disgusted him..if that was true why was he on it over and over ..he thinks it’s not cheating but in my heart and beliefs it is..

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Kimberly.

        I’m so sorry for what you’ve discovered.

        There’s only one reason for a man to be on an escort site: he’s exploring escorts. There is no other explanation. If he tells you otherwise, he’s lying to you. Possibly he’s lying to himself also about his motivations for being there–I don’t know. It’s true that people do develop amazing defense mechanisms around behavior that they’re ashamed of: they create all sorts of explanations for themselves for why it’s not what it is, and they may end up saying those things out loud to others as well. But, the truth is the truth: there’s only one reason to be on an escort site: you’re looking for an escort.

        I would encourage you to take this information, and make healthy choices for yourself with it. Is he able or willing to face the truth and deal with his behavior in honest, healthy ways? (If so, he will probably want to find a therapist from the CSAT directory who can help him recover from sexual addiction.)

        If not, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you and possibly to himself as well? What will healthy boundaries look like for you?

        I realize that’s a tough question to face, but I think you’re wise enough to know that this is what the heartbreak is about here. I’m so sorry. I would encourage you to think about counseling for yourself as well, as you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries.

        Peace to you, Kay

    3. Paige on

      My husband does not believe he has a problem with watching porn. He was raised in a broken home, where he left when he was 15. He has always watched and looked at porn. We’ve been married 20 years and I’ve always just ignored it for fear of “rocking the boat”. It has recently become unbearable, because he actually had an affair a year ago. He says it is because I am not an intimate person and I don’t give him enough sex, and never have. I have been working on forgiving him for the affair, but when I recently found that he was still watching porn after I asked him to stop, I’ve told him I will leave if he doesn’t stop. He said he would and took out the netflix from our home. I’ve blocked wifi so he can’t look at it on his phone. He says he acknowledges my feeling of being betrayed, but I just don’t see any remorse. What in the world do I do now. There is no way he would go to counseling with me. He does not think there is a problem watching porn.

      Reply
      • Paige on

        He is also not a Christian and calls me a Religious fanatic. I have been praying for him for years about that and trying to hang on because I believe in the vows I made when we got married.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        You are a brave woman, Paige. What you’ve been enduring for years must feel terrible, and it is worse knowing that your situation is all too common.

        If has stopped viewing porn to please you, chances are he’s acting somewhat like a dry drunk: because his happiness still revolves around the porn he’s not getting, he is likely dealing with bitterness and anger (toward you and himself). He needs to acknowledge this if there’s to be any progress in your marriage.

        The next step is to talk about ways to rekindle the intimacy in your marriage (both sexually and non-sexually). If he won’t go to counseling, would he at least consider reading a book with you or doing something else educational about building romance and trust in marriage?

    4. Sandy on

      My husband viewed porn for 25+ yrs of our marriage & I lived in near constant pain. He was mean, insulting, selfish etc., during this time, & especially in the latter yrs. Anyway, he quit porn 3 yrs. ago & became a new man. He is loving, trustable, thoughtful (about everything), etc. Here’s the catch. He quit porn on his own & didn’t tell me until 6 months into it. He said he didn’t want to tell me & then hurt me again, so he waited. He has had no counselling but, we have been reading & sharing websites like this one for a couple of yrs. now. I know that he is not using porn because life is good. He is a new man. I would easily be able to tell if he went back to it because all of those nasty, selfish behaviors would resurface. My husband is 61 yrs old & told me that he does not want one of us to die with an awful wedge like porn between us. He said that is his worse nightmare. So, everything sounds great, right? Well, it is but here is my problem. Because he has decided to essentially do it all on his own with only my help, I live in fear because of everything I read about men who go back to it if they don’t receive the proper, intensive treatment. I have talked to other men who have done it on their own the same way my husband did & they said “Yes, he can be successful on his own or he may go back to it”. Not very encouraging but, some of these men quit porn on their own 15 yrs ago & remain successful. Whenever I express my fears to my husband he says, “I don’t want to live that way anymore. I was not happy. You were not happy & we were going nowhere. I feel happy again. I feel happy with you again. Life feels happy again. I don’t feel like I’m locked into a secret, nasty world anymore. I feel free again. I don’t ever want to hurt you, myself or our marriage again so, please trust me”. So, what should I do? Trust him? Let him do this in a way that he feels comfortable doing it & hope it continues to work? I want to trust him but, I am fearful of being hurt again, of course. What do you think?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        What a cool story. It does sound great! I think the differences that you can see in him is a huge indicator of true, heart-level change, even if he went the DIY method! I love that you guys seem to be really open about it, reading things together and talking about it. I’m a counselor, and really, that sounds very healthy to me.

        Here’s what I wonder. What kind of help have you gotten in the recovery process? Has it been all about him and his stuff, or have you gotten support for yourself? Have you been able to process the pain of the 25+ years that went before the last 3 good years? That’s a lot of pain. And if you haven’t had that opportunity, I think THAT is where counseling could really help you move forward. I think you’d need to make some calls to counselors in your area, and tell them that you’re looking specifically for someone to help process unresolved grief and pain.

        Now, some people can do that on their own. You guys have accomplished a lot DIY up til now! So if he’s just able to listen, and you’re just able to speak, then great. The main thing is, that you don’t feel “corrected” out of your pain. I’m getting a little bit of possible correction in the “please trust me” you wrote about. But, I think that could also be just a lack of understanding that trust is really TWO THINGS: behavioral and emotional.

        His behavioral trust level is great. He’s done all the right things for 3 years. So on that level, it makes sense to say, “Please trust me.”

        I’m not 100% sure of the emotional trust level at this point. And emotional trust would be that he turns toward you emotionally, cares about how you feel, invites you to speak, and hears you out. As I said, that’s where I think counseling could be a big help getting you past this bump in the healing process.

        Let me know what you think. Kay

    5. Sharon on

      how do I as the wife of a porn watcher, who says he will not do this again get past this hurt.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Sharon. First of all, let me say that I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve suffered. And I think you’re asking a really important question. So often, all our efforts go to trying to stop the addict from his behavior. But it’s AT LEAST as important for the spouse to attend to the wounds she’s suffered.

        For one thing, I think it’s hard to get past the hurt if it just keeps happening. I don’t know if your husband has REALLY stopped, or if he just has the intention of stopping. I think that’s very important. If the problem is ongoing, you’re just being wounded again and again, and clearly getting past the hurt is pretty difficult under those circumstances!

        I think we have to stop the hurt before we can start the healing.

        That makes sense in the physical world, right? If your husband were kicking you in the shins all day, you’d just be bruised all the time. In the same way, if you’re in that kind of a situation with porn, trying to not hurt but he’s still in the behavior–I don’t see how that can work.

        This is why we talk about boundaries so much here on the blog. We have to learn to shut the door to harmful behaviors so that we can heal.

        Now. If he is really taking responsibility for himself and he’s working on his addiction and getting better, then that’s great. But you’re still hurting. So that’s where I’d say, go see a counselor. Find that safe person who can sit with you and honor your story and the pain you’ve suffered. Physical healing is a process, and doctors are people who are trained to know how to help with that. In the same way, emotional healing is a process and counselors are trained to help you with that. I hope you’ll get some good support as you work through this pain.

        Blessings, Kay

    6. Marisol valdez on

      Does still it apply if you’re in a long term relationship

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think long-term relationships and marriages do have a lot of similarities. In either type of relationship, you have to make healthy choices for yourself and decide what good boundaries will look like for you. We have to learn that we can’t control the choices of our partners, and we have to consider how to allow them to have the consequences of those choices. We have to take responsibility for ourselves, for our own emotional processing and find the support we need in our own recovery through personal counseling or groups (Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxchurch, S Anon).

      • Corinne on

        After stumbling upon porn on my husband’s computer multilple times, attending counseling sessions together with our pastor, explaining why it hurt etc, I finally quit using his computer and would be prepared for anything. I also, as I explained to him, was turned on by relationships, had many interests expressed in myself, and should perhaps return the interest. Though we have never discussed the issue again, I no longer worry about it as we seem to have become satisfied with our own sexual pursuits, though it kills me, knowing it is dangerous and against God’s moral law. I resent him, some, for putting out marriage in this state and for not admitting this problem before we married when we were talking about everything

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Corinne, sounds like you’re okay with these boundaries for now, but if you find that this situation is not okay with you any more, know that you can create different boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. You are not required to be a slave to anyone’s sin, including your husband’s.

    7. court on

      I’m so hurt and confused I love him so much but he mentally listed over another women via smart phone while wasting our potential son on her I still haven’t been able to forgive him!!! And if I leave I have to do it now cuz I can not take this pain again and he blamed it on Me!! I just don’t want to leave cuz I love him also what a waste of 3 years will he honestly never do it again?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Well, every situation is different. Some men do choose to work on their recovery, while others prefer to stay with porn. I think it’s really important for you to get help and support as you work through what’s going to be healthy in your particular situation. Here’s a listing of our most popular content for women; reading through these posts may help clarify some things for you. I’d also suggest finding a personal counselor who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. You might also find that a group is a good place to get support at this point. Whatever your partner or husband chooses to do, you can choose to be healthy. Exactly what that looks like is different for different people, but you don’t have to be alone in figuring that out. Find help and support that works for you, and then choose a healthy way forward. Blessings, Kay

    8. Alisha on

      I’ve caught my husband twice watching porn. I ask him without accusing but he’s lied to me. We’ve discussed that when I leave him emotionally alone is when he turns to it when I’m not around. I do my best to not leave him alone but I think it’s something else. I think it’s an excuse to watch it? If I’m wrong please enlighten me because I don’t want to be blamed when I do my best and more. It feels like it’s not enough….

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Alisha. When your husband chooses to look at porn, that is his choice. It is NOT your fault! You’re absolutely right, this is one excuse he makes to himself to justify his behavior.

        You might be interested in this short animation on defense mechanisms, and this one on gaslighting, as many women experience these issues with an addict.

        To begin recovery, he will need to take responsibilty for himself. And you’ll need to identify what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and take responsibility for your own emotional processing as well. A counselor or a group might give you some great support as you walk that out.

        Peace to you, Kay

    9. Kristen on

      Do you think it’s ok that my bf thinks it’s ok to watch porn when I’m sleeping in the other room? When he specifically told me he wouldn’t do it at all while I’m home. I hate porn and he knows how much it bothers me. My ex use to use it as a substitute for having sex with me. So I’m scared from it. Plus I’m the type of women who doesn’t even find other guys attracted. Not at all. I just feel like. If you’re happy with your partner you don’t need to look else where. Especially to get off sexually.
      He told me he only uses it bc he can’t get off any other way then visual. And he likes to find new things to try with me and that when he’s watching it he’s thinking about me and visualizing it as me. But it still hurts.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think it’s important that in relationships, we respect the boundaries of our partners. If you’ve asked him to stop using porn, then he should consider your feelings about it. Saying that he wants to find new things to try and he’s thinking of you is simply a way for him to rationalize the fact that you’re asking him to stop and he chooses not to.

        It sounds like his porn use is impacting his own sexual function to the point that he requires it for ejaculation. Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is extremely common these days. To me, ED is just another demonstration that porn use is good for nobody.

        Here’s an article from experts at The Gottman Institute about the impact of porn on relationships. Porn is just not a great thing in a relationship! It’s fine for you to know that and to have boundaries about it. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries.

        Peace, Kay

    10. Garry on

      You are absolutely right in everything you are saying!! I have been addicted to pornography since I was first introduced to it a the very early age of 10. I’m now 42 years old, have been married for almost 10 years and have 4 children. 3 daughters and 1 son. I have always been very ashamed of my addiction and made excuses for not “giving it up”. My wife is also my best friend and the love of my life. I honestly didn’t think watching porn was really cheating until now. (I just read this) I have always been ashamed of it and have never told anyone!! Growing up, I did not belong to a church family, but have always wanted too. The different times in my life that I did go to church on a regular basis, I prayed for forgiveness and would actually stop for quite awhile. I’m going to seek help through the church I’ve attended a little lately, and KNOW that I can and will beat this. I hate it, and have always been ashamed of myself. I’ve even actually considered suicide. Ashamed to say with such a beautiful family. But now I’m truly ready to be free of this horrible burden. My marriage is and has always been the most important thing in my life. My wife and I have always respected one another and now I’m soooooo ashamed of myself. I do love her more than I could ever express, so I know I will beat this. Thank you for opening this RECOVERING addict’s eyes.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Garry, be strong! I’m so encouraged to read your message. Do you think you will be able to tell your wife?

        Chris
        -Covenant Eyes

    11. Darlene on

      So I left my husband after 22 years related to a porn addiction. It was to the point where he had favorite girls and he would put their pictures in photo albums, he never even carried a photo of me in his wallet. We would go to the beach and he would take pictures of girls and develop them and also put them in his album. I was a born again Christian and he was not and refused to give up porn or join me in church …we went to marriage counseling because I threatened to leave and he humiliated me saying I was cute and all but it was my cooking that made him keep me. He woukd always remind me if he noticed I was gaining a couple of pounds…..5 feet tall and was 120 lbs. I believed it was my weight that made him be more interested in porn. It got to the point where he couldn’t have sex with me unless he had porn to watch or magazines with his favorites spread out on the bed. I was working full time and someone I worked with would continually tell me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful person I am….eventually I loved the attention enough that I allowed a kiss. This man acted like nothing was more special than that kiss to him ….. Eventualy I gave in to sex with him and have never felt more special in my life. We have been together for a few years now and I feel guilty everyday that I left my husband for the attention and affection this man provides. I feel like I betrayed God and so I have decided to be alone instead and just grow in the Lord, enjoy my children and I suppose die alone. My husband has since given his life to Christ but every time I see a certain type of girl…long hair, pretty skin, short skirt, bathing suit …etc. I think of what he would be thinking if he saw her. I know a normal life with him is impossible for me. I just hate to let this other person go who thinks I am so special ….. So confused.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Darlene. Life is so messy! It sounds to me like your ex had a serious addiction while you were together. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get help for yourself at that time, and that you ended up making choices you regret. I would encourage you to work through this with a good counselor. We can’t ever go back and do things over, but we can receive God’s grace and forgiveness and move forward. You might also appreciate the only resource, Bloom, which helps women recover from marriage betrayal with discussion groups, classes, and other resources. I think if you work on healing what happened to you in the past, you’ll be able to make healthier choices for your future. Peace to you, Kay

    12. Lucy R on

      Me and my boyfriend were dating for about 2 years. The moment I discovered he watched porn I tried leaving him, also because of the type of porn he was watching. It really messed up the way I saw him. I just thought he was a very dirty guy based on him watching that type of porn .The first incident i told him to stop and he obviously went to go and watch it again. Every time was just a big disappointment for me . He inclusively did it on the same bed as me while I was asleep during my pregnancy because I wouldn’t give in to sex. Aside from all that I gave him chance after chance because of our baby, but i can’t seem to forgive him. We literally went to the store and checks out every girl that passes by. He tries to justify that it’s impossible to not look and that he isn’t cheating on me it’s just looking . I understand it’s in men’s nature to look but what I couldn’t understand is my boyfriend looking at porn i felt like he would get sexually aroused even if he saw a woman fully dressed, to me it wasnt any different. Our relationship is completely broken because of his actions . Now I’m just left with being really insecure and as a single mom trying to reconstruct myself.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Lucy. I’m so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. I want to make sure you’re finding help and support for yourself as you recover. Counseling is great, support groups can be awesome, and there’s a new online resource called Bloom that has a ton of great stuff for women recovering from relationship betrayal. Peace to you, Kay

    13. Maria Barrera on

      I feel for all of you. I’ve been with my husband for 36 years. I have two beautiful boys who are already young men and whom I hope have raised to respect themselves and others. I first caught my hisband dabbling in porn while I wad pregnant with my 2ND son 16 years ago. Unfortunately it happened again just a few weeks back. Sad point is if they’ve done porn once they’ll do it again. There is no going back. I’m sorry to say that I feel nothing but sadness for our spouces for they have no idea what damage they’ve done and what they’ve lost. It’s hard to get back to where you once were because there will always be that doubt. If they’ve lied about this what else have they lied about? God be with us all.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, Maria – I’m sorry for your heartbreak. There is freedom, but it takes a lot of work from both spouses.

    14. Heather lynn on

      I’m not really sure what to do me and my boyfriend have been together a short amount of time. I constantly catch him going to the bathroom to masterbate about a week ago I found pictures of naked girls on his phone and today I found out he has been watching porn. EACH time I ask him about it he says it is none of my business what he does. Also he always says “here we go again” I’m not sure what to do!?

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, Heather – I’m going to be direct. If he won’t change, then he’s not for you. “None of your business what he does”? That’s the sound of an insecure guy who isn’t ready to treat you like the precious creation you are. Don’t settle.

    15. Sandy on

      I have been married for almost 39 years, I have caught my husband over the years looking at porn. My husband Dad looked at porn magazines and left them out for my husband to readily view at a very young age. I recently caught him again looking at porn, this time I have lost all respect for him, I care about him,however I no longer love him. To me porn is the most disgusting, perverted , and extremely vile!!!! He said he was sorry one to many times, he emotionally, spiritually , and financially abuses me. His character will never change, watching people have sex was more important then his love for me. I am deeply grieved and haunted by his actions daily. I stay married to him not out of love but for financial reasons. Yes porn does DESTROY marriages and families.

      Reply
    16. Patti Baird on

      I have been married for almost 39 years, I have caught my husband over the years looking at porn. My husband Dad looked at porn magazines and left them out for my husband to readily view at a very young age. I recently caught him again looking at porn, this time I have lost all respect for him, I care about him,however I no longer love him. To me porn is the most disgusting, perverted , and extremely vile!!!! He said he was sorry one to many times, he emotionally, spiritually , and financially abuses me. His character will never change, watching people have sex was more important then his love for me. I am deeply grieved and haunted by his actions daily. I stay married to him not out of love but for financial reasons. Yes porn does DESTROY marriages and families.

      Reply
    17. Katherine on

      My boyfriend and I have 4 beautiful little girls 7yrs-10months. My 3rd pregnancy I got up early to make him a cup of coffee and spend some quiet time with him before he left for work. Walked around the corner and found him masturbating to porn on our family tablet(our girls play games on it!). I was so disgusted with him and myself. I locked myself in the bathroom and just sobbed. Shortly after birth there was a 2 week doctors appointment and I forgot something at home and rushed back only to find him masturbating again! This time it was MY FAULT according to him. I left it alone for our kids sake. Now we have our 4th baby girl and I thought things were okay. Well, i was wrong. Today I picked up his phone to show him a video of wireless earphones I thought he would appreciate for work. Porn! Again! Skinny, young, blonde, gorgeous women! Im not skinny, Im 26, black hair, nothing like me. And according to him I had no right to touch his phone. I am so sick of this. He says he is sorry and wants to fix it. He says he loves me. I am so done with him defending his interent addiction. He refuses to let me sleep in another room. I am so disgusted with him but mostly myself. I feel gross. No place to go. Havent had a job in 2 years to save on daycare. Help!

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Katherine, I am so, so sorry.

        First of all, his porn habit is NOT your fault. These are choices that he makes. Saying that you have no right to touch his phone is another blaming tactic. It’s very common for women to be the target of defense mechanisms like this, and also gaslighting. Recognize these tactics when you see them. Don’t be drawn into the web of lies that he has to tell himself in order to continue violating his values.

        It’s great that he’s saying he’s sorry and that he loves you. However, he needs to take responsibility for his choices and start to work on a recovery plan. If he doesn’t do those things, then I think you’ve got to face the reality of the behaviors he chooses, regardless of the words he says. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him, and he has to be the one who does that work.

        Your job is to get support for yourself, to know the truth, and make good, healthy decisions for yourself, based on what you know to be true. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that might be helpful to you as well.

        I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and who will support your healthy boundaries going forward. You might also look for a support group. And there’s a wonderful online resource, Bloom for Women that you might appreciate.

        Peace to you, Kay

    18. Renee on

      My fiance of 2 years has been watching porn behind my back he started getting really possessive about his phone. I have been married twice before my first husband was into the magazines didn’t have smart phones back then I would be laying in bed late at night we just went to bed after having sex then wake up to him locked in the bathroom turning pages I was hurt ibuse to care about myself but I started to think I would never be good enough. Then when he passed away I was lost i met my second husband and we were really happy I thought then I started to learn about the internet and learned that you could search history and I was really torn apart he was not just watching porn he was meeting girls and men off Craigslist I was heartbroken. I left him I couldn’t do it that’s when I met my fiance I knew him for many years 14 to be honest. Well I thought I knew him. Now ibam so depressed I can see any point in wearing makeup getting dressed up because I know I will never look like them girls in the porn videos. I check his history and he thought for a year I wouldn’t find out I checked his activity on Google and bam pulled up all the porn sites he swears those are just pop ups. Am I meant to be alone will anyone ever love me for me are all men ass holes and addicts to porn???? Needing some kind of advice soon before I loose my heart mind and soul

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Renee, I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I think there is one simple question every woman in this situation must ask herself: is this behavior something I am willing to live with in this relationship? Honestly assess how this behavior impacts you, and make your decision.

        Now, of course it’s not quite that simple because you’ve been deeply impacted emotionally by this behavior. So I would urge you to find a therapist who can help you process your emotions, and then work toward healthy boundaries for yourself. You might want to find a group that will help you process this trauma. And you might find the online resources at Bloom to be helpful to you.

        Not all men are assholes and addicts to porn. But you will never, ever meet the ones who aren’t assholes and addicts if you’re spending all your time with the ones who are.

        I hate that this is such an epidemic. I hate that this is so hard for women to deal with these days. But, this is our situation, and deal with it we must.

        We must ask ourselves: How do we want to be treated? And then enter into and maintain ONLY those relationships that meet our standards.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    19. Katherine on

      I know this article is probably an older one but I kept having the same problems in our marriage of almost 20 years…porn,cheating, and was on an actual dating site..I have tried to forgive but I can not forget and now to find out from his own mouth (like there is nothing wrong with porn) that he is watching videos again..either because I am not home or I do not act like I am into him…he gets tired of making the moves all of the time…my heart was broken almost two years ago and now it feels the same…I am tired of feeling like I am not enough for him when I bust my butt in the gym to look okay for a 46 year old woman and he still takes the time to get online and find himself a woman….

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Katherine,

        We seem to think that if we “forgive” that will somehow be a magic wand that produces change in our spouse. But, as you know, this is actually not true. Your spouse has to make the necessary changes; you cannot control him. No matter how much you forgive, no matter how much you work out, no matter how much you act like you are into him–none of that will control his behavior. He is in charge of his behavior, and he is the only person who can make those changes.

        Rather than trying to control him, you can take responsibility for yourself. Consider what healthy boundaries would look like for you. Find a group to help you process your pain, and get support for your boundaries. Check out the online resources at Bloom for Women, for further help and support. Think about a counselor, just for you.

        No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    20. Lisa S. Carter on

      I have been married for 3 years (second marriage for both of us). Not long after we were married and if I’m being totally honest (before we married) I noticed the frequency of lovemaking had decreased. I ignored it and chalked it up building a new home, stressful jobs, etc.
      It got to be so bad I started asking questions, “Is it me, Is it because I’ve gained weight, Do I not please you, What can I do differently?” All I got in response was what are you talking about?
      My self esteem was at an all-time low. I started to doubt everything about myself as a woman.
      I started noticing semen stains in his underwear. I know they didn’t come from any contact with me. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask he told me that he was very stubborn and lifted more than he should at work. Two weeks later I saw on his telephone browser history (which he usually cleared) about nine different TEEN porn videos he had looked at. I was devastated. His explanation for this was “Some of the guys at work told me to type in this website and all these videos started popping up.” So, I had him type in the website and guess what…..not one video popped up. You actually had to choose the kind of porn you wanted to watch. After not speaking to each other for five days, we finally had a bad confrontation during which time I told him I wanted a divorce.” I asked him HOW could he let me cry myself to sleep because of his constant rejection (I’m too tired, my back hurts, I have gas….I kid you not he used that as an excuse). How could you sit there and have me beg you to tell me what have I done or not done that you no longer want anything to do with me? He started crying and said we would go to counseling, he would never drink again, we would be in church every time the doors were open…..but he REFUSED to admit he was watching porn or having an affair. He said he had never been anything but 100% faithful to me. He refused to leave.
      It is now one year later. The semen stains are still there. Sometimes I find towels too now. He STILL refuses to admit he looks at porn, is having an affair or even masturbates.
      I have died a slow death. The person I once was is gone. I function but that’s all I would call it.
      I need advice. Can anyone offer suggestions?

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, when your husband has a pattern of untrustworthy behavior, of course you don’t trust him. Trust is earned. And it’s earned by trustworthy behavior over time. If he’s not trustworthy, it’s foolish to trust him. And if he’s continuing to be untrustworthy, then you are faced with the very difficult question of what your boundaries will be. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. I’d encourage you to find support through a counselor for yourself, a group just for you, maybe an online resource like Bloom. You’ve got hard things to face, so find some companionship on that road. Peace, Chris

    21. Katie on

      Don’t know where to turn too so I ended up on this site.. I am a rape victim and have been dating my boyfriend of almost 2 years now, we have lived together and contestantly together. He is my best friend and only family, he had been drinking with friends and came into the room when I was half asleep and hoping he would cuddle me and hold me. He had Layed down right next to me and heard him on his phone, I would move a little to let him know I was awake because I had a bad feeling in my stomach. He eventually after 10 minutes got up to plug his phone in and the cord was literally over my face and woke me up and I turned over and he jumped and put his phone down and tried to cover it up and lied to me so many times until I had tod how him what he was watching. He had a boner and was watching pretty hard porn, it broke my heart instantly. He would always say how he would never do that to me or be that guy. It hurts on deeper levels for me since the rape and how much we love each other. I feel so hurt and broken. and he is so defensive and doesn’t get it

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Katie,

        I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in this relationship. A good counselor, experienced in treating trauma, could help you with processing your emotions and considering healthy boundaries in this relationship. (Here and here are articles on boundaries.) A good counselor should also be able to help your boyfriend understand how his choices impact you, and how you can relate to each other in emotionally healthy ways going forward.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    22. Pauline Topley on

      My mind is in turmoil. i have been married 4 times, not as bad as it sounds, i was divorced from an abusive man when I was young. Then i have been happily married twice since, but both husbands died. i married again 4 years ago. There has been little sex between us.I have never refused him, I like sex. My husband has become more and more distant, there is no affection, intimacy and sex once in 5 months. That felt mechanical. He never looks at me when I am naked even just before sex. He keeps his eyes shut. I feel he can’t bear the sight of me.He says he loves me, but they seem like empty words to me. He sometimes gives me back-handed compliments that sound like disguised insults. He is forever talking about faithfulness and other people’s sex lives, but won’t discuss our own. He told me he has seen a lot of porn in his life, and that it is just like little boys playing with their toys, and that women should realize this. He said he has fantasies about having sex with many different women and that any doctor would tell me it is very healthy. When I was upset he got cross.Some time ago I found out he was watching porn. When I confronted him he said I wasn’t giving him sex, but it was him who was withholding from me. He said he doesn’t masturbate or even get an erection when watching porn but he pays for it, why pay for something that has no effect. He has little money. I just don’t believe him.

      Recently I have realized there is more to it. I was looking up why men don’t want sex with their wives and mention of a website called Adultwork came up. Lots of wives were very upset because their husband were on there. I remembered that was one my husband had signed up for and paid. I had a look at it yuk!! It is not a porn site as he had told me it was, it is an escort site. At the time he said he had only looked a some photos and a video, but the photos and videos on there are ‘escorts’ advertising their ‘wares’. It is like an on-line brothel, full of prostitutes and webcam girls, plus phone sex. The photos are absolutely filthy and they are the ones you don’t pay for. I don’t know what to believe, I think he would have the webcam (cyber) sex. The porn was bad enough but I forgave him and tried to live with it but never trusted him again. Now I know it was this site and at least another similar one, I am devastated. Do you think he could be on these sites for just porn or is it more. I’m sure there are many ‘ordinary’ porn sites out there. I found out he had signed up and paid because I saw emails from them sending him a new password and receipts for his payments. I don’t know it he is still doing this. After I found out he hides things. He has always been secretive but calls it privacy. We don’t live together and I am not allowed at his house without an appointment. I turned up one day and he was angry. He said I had no right to do that. I have never seen his computer. He spends little time with me, and when he comes here or we go out he is always 2-3 hours late. I pray to know the truth of it all. Sometimes I feel guilty that maybe I am thinking he is doing things he isn’t, but then he has done them since we have been married, and I feel he has broken his vows.

      I haven’t spoken to him yet about the fact that I found out it is escort sites, but intend to. He could well get angry and blame me and I must be prepared for that. I feel I am going crazy. Why do you think he would go on escort sites?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think he would go on escort sites to seek out sex with other women.

        Is this the kind of marriage you want to have? If so, stay and enjoy. If not, it’s okay to go. He has already broken the marriage vows. Your leaving isn’t breaking this relationship, it’s just being honest about the fact that it’s already broken. Here and here are some articles that might help.

        Decide what’s healthy for you, and take action accordingly.

        Kay

    23. Pauline Topley on

      Thank you for the articles, I found them very helpful. When I divorced many years ago, though it wasn’t my fault the church made me feel like a ‘scarlet woman’. I had guilt issues for years. My 2 grown up Christian children think I should leave. I don’t want to do wrong, but think I am right to leave and am planning my ‘escape’. Thank you.

      Reply
    24. Samantha Andrews on

      I caught out my husband who has been watching porn behind my back whilst I was pregnant and when our baby was born. I’m disgusted and wish I could leave him. He has no respect for me and completely broke our vows and trust. But for the baby’s sake I’m staying with him. But I will never love him or trust him again. He’s not the man I thought he was

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, Samantha, I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s critical for you to find the healing your heart needs. Is redemption possible? It’s a question for you to answer. Is a fresh start possible for both of you? Is forgiveness a possibility? These are your questions. I wish you well as you wrestle with the answers.

        Chris

    25. Dori S on

      My husband has started watching porn. His mistake is we have to computers and he downloads the pictures into his. I have confronted him on this issue. He wants me to wear pantyhose in order to have sex. I am a slightly overweight and they are uncomfortable. This is the 2nd marriage to this man. I honestly thought when he said he would never hurt me and wanted me to be happy, he meant it. Discovering this porn thing blows my mind. It hurts horribly. I am not sure I want to continue with this relationship with me.. I have been through enough with him. Right now I am like Pauline and planning on how I can get out of this marriage without loosing myself and everything I have. I am almost to the point that loosing everything would be better than putting up with the hurt I feel. Sorry to all that have experienced this. As long as internet is available and these men think its okay.. It will never stop.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        It’s so, so, so important that women learn exactly what you’re saying here, Dori! Healthy boundaries! It’s absolutely vital to ask whether it is worth remaining in a relationship with someone who won’t do their own emotional work. Here, here, and here are some articles on that. Thank you for bringing up this crucial question. Kay

    26. Joan on

      So my boyfriend for about two years now has always watched porn since he was a teen, I’m eighteen years old and feel as if he is cheating on me, my parents tell me its normal but I feel as if it is wrong. He told me what he was into because I asked and I’ve seen it on his phone but I feel as if I’m not good enough anymore. These girls are skinner and prettier than me and he watches them to please himself, is this cheating? I just want to be over but I’m so in love with him and I thought he was the one and he tells me I’m good enough and that I am beautiful but still makes the same choices of lying to my face and watching porn behind my back, even at work. Should we see a counselor or something because I don’t want to lose him:(

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        It really doesn’t matter if it’s “cheating” or not. It really doesn’t matter what your parents think is normal, or what your BF thinks is normal.

        What matters is: WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU?

        Is this the kind of relationship you want to be a part of, where your partner refuses to change a behavior that makes you feel degraded and unwanted?

        Please let yourself be willing to lose a person who disrespects your wishes. It may be painful at the time, but I promise you that if he is unwilling to listen to your needs now, time will only make this worse. He cares more about a habit than he cares about you. Let yourself decide if this is the kind of relationship you want or not.

        Here’s my best advice to you as a counselor: choose the boundaries that are right for you. State them clearly to your boyfriend, to your parents, to anyone else you’re in relationship with. Hereis an article on boundaries that should help.

        If you want to see a counselor, I’m all for it, but make it because you want to be healthy and whole, not because you’re trying to convince someone else that you’re worthy of his attention.

        YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH.

        If he doesn’t see that, it’s his loss.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    27. Anonymous on

      I’m a man. I struggle. I know it’s wrong. I’ve read pretty much everything on this site, in the literature, and pain and hurt from women. Wow. Let me just: the bottom line is – I, we, have to trust and believe in the word of God. If we do, we should be striving for freedom from sin, sexuality monogamy and purity, and if possible compassion and forgiveness. Easier said than done. I have excuses just like many others have. Sin is sin. I’m reading all this and commenting right now because I feel God’s tug to break me Free. Truth is: it did start when I was a kid. My dad and step dad both left porn magazines and videos that I found. I was allowed to watch inappropriate movies. I was a victim of childhood abuse. I even exercised some acts as a child with other children. The hole and bondage is deep. I have sought long thorough counseling. I am in accountability daily… but still struggle. Should I be alone?? I don’t know. I respect women. I repent when I fall short. I take care of my family … but I hate my sin. So no it is not easy.

      Reply
    28. John Marsh on

      I’d like to confess something here, I do watch porn, my girlfriend found out and dumped me….even though we were engaged…..I’m trying anything I am to make up for it…I honestly didn’t know watching porn was classed as cheating. I mean, I used to watch scrubs, it doesn’t make me a doctor does it ?
      I just had the porn to entertain myself when I needed to be up early for work, because I couldn’t stay at my girlfriends place…

      Reply
      • Moriah Dufrin on

        Hi John!

        I would encourage you to read our blog post: “Yes, Using Porn Is Cheating. Here’s Why.” It provides great insight into the heart of the issue, and I pray that you find wisdom in it. Blessings!

        Moriah

    29. Patti Jo Bartley on

      Sometimes it finally breaks you. 33 years of marriage and 33 years of hiding porn. I am beyond exhausted, sad and empty. I can’t do this anymore. I have to be more important than his addiction.

      Reply
    30. Teresa on

      My boyfriend watches porn. He says every man does it and it is none of business. He goes to shower at the shower room at the campground and is gone awhile. I found rings and other sexual things in his shower bag. He denies anything is going on. He has everything blocked bow on his phone but I know he is still doing it. I wake up in the night and he is naked and hides his phone and soon as i come out. I feel worthless and I’m very depressed. I know something more is going on and he had an app to decipher Spanish language. I have lost trust and want to die. Just beside myself and know deep down it is not going to end.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Teresa,

        Of course you don’t trust him: he’s not trustworthy. He lies, he hides things, he’s not interested in being honest with you.

        Here’s the thing, though: this is absolutely NOT about your worth. This is NOT about you. Those are his choices, compeletely outside of you.

        You have the opportunity to make your own choices, and there is absolutely no reason for you to stay in a relationship that makes you feel depressed and worthless, like you want to die. Please create a life that is reflective of your worth and value. Surround yourself with people who will treat you with respect and care. I guarantee you will feel 100% better when you’re not surrounded by toxicity!

        Peace,
        Kay

      • Moriah Dufrin on

        Teresa,

        Your struggles are real, and you are not alone. Please know that your life IS worth living, and if you continue to feel like you just want to die, I would encourage you to call the National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255.

        I am praying for you.
        Blessings,
        Moriah

    31. Mandy on

      My husband of 7 years goes to porn even after I have sex with him or give him whatever he wants and when he wants it. I have 2 almost teenagers with my previous husband (Left him due to his porn addiction) and now I have a 2 year old son and 6 month old baby girl and I still make time for my husband 24/7. I enjoy sex with my husband and we both love having sex together. But then I walked in on him in our bedroom last month masturbating to porn and he admitted it and said he would stop and again yesterday. I felt so worthless and like I had just been cheated on by him. Then last night he asked me if I wanted to cuddle with him and I said no. He doesn’t get it no matter what I say to him and sometimes he’ll say stupid things to take this off him. I’m just worried this is going to continue and I just can’t live through this kind of marriage again. What should I do?

      Reply
    32. Rita on

      I’m having a really hard time with this kind of situation & found his article because of it. I don’t know what to do. I found out my husband watches porn soon after we married 2 years ago but I let it go the entire first year & said nothing cause I didn’t know what to do. Then I found out the next year he watches it in bed with me directly next to me almost every morning. I just found out I was pregnant at the time and I didn’t fight him on it I just came to him extremely upset & crying asking him to stop. He swore to me he would and never look at it again. After I had the baby I noticed things were different and I again came to him crying and begging saying I know things were different between us and if he just told me I wouldn’t be angry I just wanted to talk. He denied it over and over again and told me I was crazy and it was all in my head , which I believed. I was in a really bad mental state after I had the baby and his words made me think I might have had post partum or that my baby had msde me paranoid. I went through his phone three months later and found out he was watching porn, and not just looking at porn but looking up specific women and specific actresses by name to find their nudes n sex scenes. This time I was done crying and woke him up screaming and punching. I felt so betrayed and angry and like I had been cheated. He denies watching it since then and between our talks about it but I can’t drop the feeling he’s lying. I do everything he wants in bed, I bend over backwards to make him happy and I can’t get rid of this pit in my heart over the whole situation. He lied and manipulated me when I was at my lowest point and made me feel like I was going crazy. I’m just hurt and I feel like it’s cheating. Especially because he was looking up specific women by name for their nudes, and the women was from tv shows we was watching together. Idk. I don’t know how to deal with this. It just hurts and I can’t escape it

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been going through for so long.

        I want to suggest that you check out the resources online at Bloom for Women, where they take a trauma-informed approach for spouses. Many women will meet the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress in a situation like this, and I think you will find Bloom very helpful as you process through what is best for you here.

        You might also appreciate some of our articles on boundaries: here, here, and here. Boundaries can include separation or divorce from someone who refuses to take responsiblity and do their own work. It’s sad when that happens, it’s not what we want, but you are not required to be emotionally abused forever. He has healthier choices he could make, if he wants.

        I hope those resources are helpful. No matter what he chooses, you can choose health and wholeness for yourself.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    33. Rebecca on

      My husband had been hiding a porn issue from me for 5 months last year. Before we were married, we had a discussion about porn and he said he had never used it, which I still believe. I told him if it ever did become an issue, please just come to me right away and I would help him through it. I had been in an abusive relationship prior to him and had been cheated on multiple times, so honesty was really the big issue to me. I know people are imperfect and porn is practically handed to men on a silver platter, so I didn’t expect it to NEVER happen. What I didn’t expect were lies. A double life. Last year he struggled with his mental health and impulsively began to use porn for the first time in his life. He said he was so ashamed that he had no idea how to tell me. He didn’t want to break my heart, but he knew the damage had been done. This was the cycle that fueled his problem for months. Every so often I’d check on him and ask if he was having any problems with anything, including porn, and he always denied it. Even in the middle of his use, he denied it. I always believed him until last year. I didn’t fully believe him then, but I blamed it on my previous relationship and trust issues. Then, the day after our anniversary last year, we were having a long talk and for some reason I had a pit in my stomach. I decided to ask him again. He finally owned up to it, and when I asked how long it had been a problem, he said it had only been once and it was months ago while I was out of town. I didn’t believe him and about an hour later I demanded he answer me honestly. He admitted it had been a continuous problem for months. I was completely devastated… Fast forward to now – we are doing SO much better. We have been through therapy, spiritual counseling, and have been using software like yours to keep him accountable. My problem is that I still feel almost as heartbroken as day one. I have anxiety every single day that he is still lying to me. I recently stopped all accountability/spying software as he is adamant that he hasn’t had any relapses, but I get scared that if he really wanted to use porn, he would just find a way around anything we have set in place. That’s what my ex did. I’m STILL finding out about people my ex cheated on me with and we’ve been broken up for 5 years. I just feel so hurt in ways I can’t explain and I feel like I will never feel the way I did before all this happened. I have had so many horrible things happen in my life in the last 5 years and this is right up there with my abusive relationship and the death of my grandparents. I feel like I’ve been beaten down and that life just gets worse. I have so many intrusive thoughts about my husband’s porn use and I keep reliving the day I found out. I imagine his use as so much worse than he claims it was… I just can’t get away from this horrible feeling. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by commenting… Maybe just some validation or ways to help me know that everything will be okay one day?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Rebecca, I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through both with your ex and your current relationship. It sounds to me like you are having a perfectly normal and understandable trauma response. So many times women will meet the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in situations like this, and most of the time, this is neither recognized nor treated. I would suggest finding a traum-informed counselor, just for you, who can help you process through this for your own healing. There are also fantastic trauma-informed resources online at Bloom for Women. There’s a small monthly fee at Bloom, and it’s worth every penny! I hope that tending to your own trauma and healing can bring about the good outcomes you’re hoping for. You absolutely deserve to be treated with the tenderest possible care. Peace to you, Kay

    34. Lisa Bramer on

      I was in an abusive marriage and was forced to watch porn for about 8yrs. I had to watch it before we would have sex. It has ruined so many relationships since then. I was even forced to do our own and I hated seeing myself in the same way but looked nothing like those women did. Ive been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and I have been able to tell him everything because I felt safe and comfortable with him. Come to find out he has been watching porn on his phone. I was devistated. He said he would stop because I told him it took me back to that dark place and I can’t handle it. He didn’t stop. He said he only did it because he needed a quick release. What the heck does he mean. We have a great sex life but I don’t know what to do about my fear of being so betrayed and I feel like I’m never going to be good enough. He says I am and doesn’t blame me but why would he do that to me knowing the abuse I went through with porn. I’m at the point of giving up but I don’t know what to do. I’m 50 yrs old and he’s 30. Any thoughts please

      Reply
      • Moriah Bowman on

        Hi Lisa,

        I am going to be quite honest with you and suggest that you take a serious look at the future of this relationship. If your boyfriend is not willing to give up porn for you, what does that say about his love and devotion to you? You ARE good enough, and you are not to blame for this. Especially with your past marriage, I would hope that he would be even more willing to quit watching porn.

        Check out this blog post about navigating questions about pornography with your significant other. This post also discusses the importance of keeping pornography OUT of relationships.

        I also wonder if counseling might be a great tool for both of you to use together? Again, if he’s not willing to take this step, it may mean that isn’t truly serious about your relationship, and I would encourage you to get out before it’s too late.
        I am praying for you!
        Blessings,
        Moriah

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