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6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts

Last Updated: February 29, 2024

The following is an excerpt from our free e-book, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.


Why does he look at porn?

There are a few things you need to understand about your husband’s heart and his use of porn. The first is simply that men are visually stimulated in a way most women are not. Men like to look at naked women, and pornography offers unlimited access. Pornography also offers a fantasy world where they can imagine themselves being desired by eager and seductive women. Over time, as he watches more porn, his virtual harem can seem more appealing than face-to-face intimacy with his wife.

Psychological scars frequently contribute as well. Many men struggling with pornography use were exposed to it at a young age. For example, men often report having stumbled across a copy of Playboy in their father’s dresser. With the advent of the Internet, more men than ever before were exposed to porn as children. One study reports that 93% of boys are exposed to Internet porn before the age of 18. This early exposure almost inevitably leads to a struggle with pornography into adulthood.

It’s also possible that your husband is experiencing what Mark W. Gaither of Redemptive Heart Ministries describes as a sense of “toxic shame,” or the belief that he is horribly broken and beyond hope. (Normal shame, on the other hand, is the sense that he has done something wrong that has broken your relationship.) He may think he is unlovable, and fear that if he allows you to draw close, you will notice his flaws and lose respect for him. Rather than run this risk, he may have turned to the always-willing, always-happy girls of porn. Retreating to pornography can then make him feel even more of a failure, feeding into his toxic shame, and causing the cycle to continue. Eventually he builds up internal defenses to justify his use to the point that he no longer notices the shame.

There are likely other contributing factors (including in some cases sexual abuse as a child). A counselor will be able to help him identify and work through these. What you need to remember is that your husband would struggle with pornography regardless of whom he married. His use of pornography is not your fault.

How can he watch porn and say he loves me?

Compartmentalization comes more naturally to men than women. To him, different parts of life—work, you and your children, his hobbies—don’t necessarily interact. He may believe that viewing pornography in secret protects you from the consequences of his actions. He might even rationalize that hiding his actions or lying about it is the best way to love you in the midst of a bad situation.

As you recover, he will need to learn that this is not true.

Why does he prefer porn to sex with me?

Some men seem to prefer looking at pornography to intimacy with their wives. There are a few reasons for this. First, men crave respect and measure their own worth in terms of adequacy. Sometimes they fear really being known because it will result in you discovering his defects. Because of this, at the beginning of your relationship he may have overemphasized just sex instead of focusing on intimacy. For the same reason, porn and masturbation feel like safer alternatives to him. Even if you’ve made yourself sexually available to him, he knows that porn girls will never say “No”—never discover his inadequacies—and he never has to worry about meeting their needs.

There’s a neurological side as well. Pornography rewires the brain, training him to desire the hormonal rush from porn instead of sex with you. The chemical vasopressin, which is released during the sexual act, bonds the man to his sexual partner. With repeated pornography use, he is bonding himself to images on a screen. Given that many men were exposed to pornography during childhood, he may have chemically bonded with the women of pornography long before you entered the picture.

Some men become so dependent on porn that it becomes a behavioral addiction. Much like a drug addict, men entrenched in pornography will do anything for their fix, including sacrificing what should be most dear to them.

Read the e-book Your Brain on Porn for more details about how pornography has rewired your husband’s brain.

Keep in mind that not all men show this symptom of addiction. A man might regularly use pornography and often pursue sex with his wife.

Why am I not enough?

During sex, natural opiates are released, along with dopamine, creating a pleasurable experience. However, repeated stimulation, particularly through porn and masturbation, eventually builds up a resistance. It’s like a drug; the more he gets, the more he needs.

In simple terms, you’re “not enough” because his repeated porn use has vastly accelerated his tolerance for these chemical rushes, far beyond the levels of monogamous sex with you. In particular, pornography has trained him to be turned on by variety, which no single woman can provide. It also explains why he may have turned to harder porn or acted out through an affair—he’s looking for the rush that you, through no fault of your own, can never provide.

Is this my fault?

Often men have the tendency to blame-shift, claiming that if you were prettier or thinner or more open to sex or less of a nag, that they wouldn’t need to turn to the fantasy that pornography provides. Even if men don’t say these things, their wives will often wonder such things about themselves. Often wives will tie their own self-worth to their husbands’ opinions of them. A drop in self- esteem is common after a betrayal.

If your husband is telling you such things, he is trying to rationalize and justify his desire for porn by shifting the blame to you. By blaming you, he protects himself from shame and avoids any suggestion he is not adequate. If he is not ready to take responsibility for his own behavior, “he will say anything to convince you, and even himself, that he does not have a problem. Blaming you is an easy way to save face,” explains Ella Hutchinson.

You could be the most beautiful, supportive woman in the world and he’d still turn to porn. Remember, even Tiger Woods cheated on his supermodel wife.

Is this it for our marriage?

Unfortunately, many marriages never recover. A survey from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers states that 56% of divorce cases involve one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

However, countless marriages have recovered in spite of the husband’s use of pornography, or even adultery. This will require significant work from both you and your husband. You will need to set boundaries that will reestablish your sense of safety and security during this time. When he violates one of these boundaries, be prepared to follow through on the consequences you have promised. You will also need to seek counseling and support to help you recover from the trauma his actions have caused to your marriage. Your husband will need to take whatever steps necessary to break free from pornography. This will likely involve putting Internet accountability software on his computer and smartphone, as well as seeking counseling and personal support for himself.

Photo credit: james_sickmind

  1. Lisa S. Carter

    I have been married for 3 years (second marriage for both of us). Not long after we were married and if I’m being totally honest (before we married) I noticed the frequency of lovemaking had decreased. I ignored it and chalked it up building a new home, stressful jobs, etc.
    It got to be so bad I started asking questions, “Is it me, Is it because I’ve gained weight, Do I not please you, What can I do differently?” All I got in response was what are you talking about?
    My self esteem was at an all-time low. I started to doubt everything about myself as a woman.
    I started noticing semen stains in his underwear. I know they didn’t come from any contact with me. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask he told me that he was very stubborn and lifted more than he should at work. Two weeks later I saw on his telephone browser history (which he usually cleared) about nine different TEEN porn videos he had looked at. I was devastated. His explanation for this was “Some of the guys at work told me to type in this website and all these videos started popping up.” So, I had him type in the website and guess what…..not one video popped up. You actually had to choose the kind of porn you wanted to watch. After not speaking to each other for five days, we finally had a bad confrontation during which time I told him I wanted a divorce.” I asked him HOW could he let me cry myself to sleep because of his constant rejection (I’m too tired, my back hurts, I have gas….I kid you not he used that as an excuse). How could you sit there and have me beg you to tell me what have I done or not done that you no longer want anything to do with me? He started crying and said we would go to counseling, he would never drink again, we would be in church every time the doors were open…..but he REFUSED to admit he was watching porn or having an affair. He said he had never been anything but 100% faithful to me. He refused to leave.
    It is now one year later. The semen stains are still there. Sometimes I find towels too now. He STILL refuses to admit he looks at porn, is having an affair or even masturbates.
    I have died a slow death. The person I once was is gone. I function but that’s all I would call it.
    I need advice. Can anyone offer suggestions?

    • Chris McKenna

      Hi, when your husband has a pattern of untrustworthy behavior, of course you don’t trust him. Trust is earned. And it’s earned by trustworthy behavior over time. If he’s not trustworthy, it’s foolish to trust him. And if he’s continuing to be untrustworthy, then you are faced with the very difficult question of what your boundaries will be. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. I’d encourage you to find support through a counselor for yourself, a group just for you, maybe an online resource like Bloom. You’ve got hard things to face, so find some companionship on that road. Peace, Chris

  2. Katherine

    I know this article is probably an older one but I kept having the same problems in our marriage of almost 20 years…porn,cheating, and was on an actual dating site..I have tried to forgive but I can not forget and now to find out from his own mouth (like there is nothing wrong with porn) that he is watching videos again..either because I am not home or I do not act like I am into him…he gets tired of making the moves all of the time…my heart was broken almost two years ago and now it feels the same…I am tired of feeling like I am not enough for him when I bust my butt in the gym to look okay for a 46 year old woman and he still takes the time to get online and find himself a woman….

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Katherine,

      We seem to think that if we “forgive” that will somehow be a magic wand that produces change in our spouse. But, as you know, this is actually not true. Your spouse has to make the necessary changes; you cannot control him. No matter how much you forgive, no matter how much you work out, no matter how much you act like you are into him–none of that will control his behavior. He is in charge of his behavior, and he is the only person who can make those changes.

      Rather than trying to control him, you can take responsibility for yourself. Consider what healthy boundaries would look like for you. Find a group to help you process your pain, and get support for your boundaries. Check out the online resources at Bloom for Women, for further help and support. Think about a counselor, just for you.

      No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  3. Renee

    My fiance of 2 years has been watching porn behind my back he started getting really possessive about his phone. I have been married twice before my first husband was into the magazines didn’t have smart phones back then I would be laying in bed late at night we just went to bed after having sex then wake up to him locked in the bathroom turning pages I was hurt ibuse to care about myself but I started to think I would never be good enough. Then when he passed away I was lost i met my second husband and we were really happy I thought then I started to learn about the internet and learned that you could search history and I was really torn apart he was not just watching porn he was meeting girls and men off Craigslist I was heartbroken. I left him I couldn’t do it that’s when I met my fiance I knew him for many years 14 to be honest. Well I thought I knew him. Now ibam so depressed I can see any point in wearing makeup getting dressed up because I know I will never look like them girls in the porn videos. I check his history and he thought for a year I wouldn’t find out I checked his activity on Google and bam pulled up all the porn sites he swears those are just pop ups. Am I meant to be alone will anyone ever love me for me are all men ass holes and addicts to porn???? Needing some kind of advice soon before I loose my heart mind and soul

    • Kay Bruner

      Renee, I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I think there is one simple question every woman in this situation must ask herself: is this behavior something I am willing to live with in this relationship? Honestly assess how this behavior impacts you, and make your decision.

      Now, of course it’s not quite that simple because you’ve been deeply impacted emotionally by this behavior. So I would urge you to find a therapist who can help you process your emotions, and then work toward healthy boundaries for yourself. You might want to find a group that will help you process this trauma. And you might find the online resources at Bloom to be helpful to you.

      Not all men are assholes and addicts to porn. But you will never, ever meet the ones who aren’t assholes and addicts if you’re spending all your time with the ones who are.

      I hate that this is such an epidemic. I hate that this is so hard for women to deal with these days. But, this is our situation, and deal with it we must.

      We must ask ourselves: How do we want to be treated? And then enter into and maintain ONLY those relationships that meet our standards.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  4. Katherine

    My boyfriend and I have 4 beautiful little girls 7yrs-10months. My 3rd pregnancy I got up early to make him a cup of coffee and spend some quiet time with him before he left for work. Walked around the corner and found him masturbating to porn on our family tablet(our girls play games on it!). I was so disgusted with him and myself. I locked myself in the bathroom and just sobbed. Shortly after birth there was a 2 week doctors appointment and I forgot something at home and rushed back only to find him masturbating again! This time it was MY FAULT according to him. I left it alone for our kids sake. Now we have our 4th baby girl and I thought things were okay. Well, i was wrong. Today I picked up his phone to show him a video of wireless earphones I thought he would appreciate for work. Porn! Again! Skinny, young, blonde, gorgeous women! Im not skinny, Im 26, black hair, nothing like me. And according to him I had no right to touch his phone. I am so sick of this. He says he is sorry and wants to fix it. He says he loves me. I am so done with him defending his interent addiction. He refuses to let me sleep in another room. I am so disgusted with him but mostly myself. I feel gross. No place to go. Havent had a job in 2 years to save on daycare. Help!

    • Kay Bruner

      Katherine, I am so, so sorry.

      First of all, his porn habit is NOT your fault. These are choices that he makes. Saying that you have no right to touch his phone is another blaming tactic. It’s very common for women to be the target of defense mechanisms like this, and also gaslighting. Recognize these tactics when you see them. Don’t be drawn into the web of lies that he has to tell himself in order to continue violating his values.

      It’s great that he’s saying he’s sorry and that he loves you. However, he needs to take responsibility for his choices and start to work on a recovery plan. If he doesn’t do those things, then I think you’ve got to face the reality of the behaviors he chooses, regardless of the words he says. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him, and he has to be the one who does that work.

      Your job is to get support for yourself, to know the truth, and make good, healthy decisions for yourself, based on what you know to be true. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that might be helpful to you as well.

      I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and who will support your healthy boundaries going forward. You might also look for a support group. And there’s a wonderful online resource, Bloom for Women that you might appreciate.

      Peace to you, Kay

  5. Patti Baird

    I have been married for almost 39 years, I have caught my husband over the years looking at porn. My husband Dad looked at porn magazines and left them out for my husband to readily view at a very young age. I recently caught him again looking at porn, this time I have lost all respect for him, I care about him,however I no longer love him. To me porn is the most disgusting, perverted , and extremely vile!!!! He said he was sorry one to many times, he emotionally, spiritually , and financially abuses me. His character will never change, watching people have sex was more important then his love for me. I am deeply grieved and haunted by his actions daily. I stay married to him not out of love but for financial reasons. Yes porn does DESTROY marriages and families.

  6. Sandy

    I have been married for almost 39 years, I have caught my husband over the years looking at porn. My husband Dad looked at porn magazines and left them out for my husband to readily view at a very young age. I recently caught him again looking at porn, this time I have lost all respect for him, I care about him,however I no longer love him. To me porn is the most disgusting, perverted , and extremely vile!!!! He said he was sorry one to many times, he emotionally, spiritually , and financially abuses me. His character will never change, watching people have sex was more important then his love for me. I am deeply grieved and haunted by his actions daily. I stay married to him not out of love but for financial reasons. Yes porn does DESTROY marriages and families.

  7. Heather lynn

    I’m not really sure what to do me and my boyfriend have been together a short amount of time. I constantly catch him going to the bathroom to masterbate about a week ago I found pictures of naked girls on his phone and today I found out he has been watching porn. EACH time I ask him about it he says it is none of my business what he does. Also he always says “here we go again” I’m not sure what to do!?

    • Chris McKenna

      Hi, Heather – I’m going to be direct. If he won’t change, then he’s not for you. “None of your business what he does”? That’s the sound of an insecure guy who isn’t ready to treat you like the precious creation you are. Don’t settle.

  8. Maria Barrera

    I feel for all of you. I’ve been with my husband for 36 years. I have two beautiful boys who are already young men and whom I hope have raised to respect themselves and others. I first caught my hisband dabbling in porn while I wad pregnant with my 2ND son 16 years ago. Unfortunately it happened again just a few weeks back. Sad point is if they’ve done porn once they’ll do it again. There is no going back. I’m sorry to say that I feel nothing but sadness for our spouces for they have no idea what damage they’ve done and what they’ve lost. It’s hard to get back to where you once were because there will always be that doubt. If they’ve lied about this what else have they lied about? God be with us all.

    • Chris McKenna

      Hi, Maria – I’m sorry for your heartbreak. There is freedom, but it takes a lot of work from both spouses.

  9. Lucy R

    Me and my boyfriend were dating for about 2 years. The moment I discovered he watched porn I tried leaving him, also because of the type of porn he was watching. It really messed up the way I saw him. I just thought he was a very dirty guy based on him watching that type of porn .The first incident i told him to stop and he obviously went to go and watch it again. Every time was just a big disappointment for me . He inclusively did it on the same bed as me while I was asleep during my pregnancy because I wouldn’t give in to sex. Aside from all that I gave him chance after chance because of our baby, but i can’t seem to forgive him. We literally went to the store and checks out every girl that passes by. He tries to justify that it’s impossible to not look and that he isn’t cheating on me it’s just looking . I understand it’s in men’s nature to look but what I couldn’t understand is my boyfriend looking at porn i felt like he would get sexually aroused even if he saw a woman fully dressed, to me it wasnt any different. Our relationship is completely broken because of his actions . Now I’m just left with being really insecure and as a single mom trying to reconstruct myself.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Lucy. I’m so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. I want to make sure you’re finding help and support for yourself as you recover. Counseling is great, support groups can be awesome, and there’s a new online resource called Bloom that has a ton of great stuff for women recovering from relationship betrayal. Peace to you, Kay

  10. Darlene

    So I left my husband after 22 years related to a porn addiction. It was to the point where he had favorite girls and he would put their pictures in photo albums, he never even carried a photo of me in his wallet. We would go to the beach and he would take pictures of girls and develop them and also put them in his album. I was a born again Christian and he was not and refused to give up porn or join me in church …we went to marriage counseling because I threatened to leave and he humiliated me saying I was cute and all but it was my cooking that made him keep me. He woukd always remind me if he noticed I was gaining a couple of pounds…..5 feet tall and was 120 lbs. I believed it was my weight that made him be more interested in porn. It got to the point where he couldn’t have sex with me unless he had porn to watch or magazines with his favorites spread out on the bed. I was working full time and someone I worked with would continually tell me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful person I am….eventually I loved the attention enough that I allowed a kiss. This man acted like nothing was more special than that kiss to him ….. Eventualy I gave in to sex with him and have never felt more special in my life. We have been together for a few years now and I feel guilty everyday that I left my husband for the attention and affection this man provides. I feel like I betrayed God and so I have decided to be alone instead and just grow in the Lord, enjoy my children and I suppose die alone. My husband has since given his life to Christ but every time I see a certain type of girl…long hair, pretty skin, short skirt, bathing suit …etc. I think of what he would be thinking if he saw her. I know a normal life with him is impossible for me. I just hate to let this other person go who thinks I am so special ….. So confused.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey Darlene. Life is so messy! It sounds to me like your ex had a serious addiction while you were together. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get help for yourself at that time, and that you ended up making choices you regret. I would encourage you to work through this with a good counselor. We can’t ever go back and do things over, but we can receive God’s grace and forgiveness and move forward. You might also appreciate the only resource, Bloom, which helps women recover from marriage betrayal with discussion groups, classes, and other resources. I think if you work on healing what happened to you in the past, you’ll be able to make healthier choices for your future. Peace to you, Kay

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