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Rebuild Your Marriage 7 minute read

Why is my husband so angry? It all comes down to shame.

Last Updated: July 18, 2019

As I look back on almost seven years of treating wives of sex addicts I can only think of one who said her husband didn’t have serious issues with anger. Women share stories of their husbands cursing at the lawn mower in the front yard, throwing parts to an entertainment center they’re trying to put together across the room, holes in the wall, road rage, and unfortunately their husbands lashing out at them or their kids for things like spilled milk.

The connection between sex addiction and anger

What is this relationship with sex addiction and anger all about? First of all, most sex addicts had some kind of abuse (sexual, verbal, emotional, neglect, etc.) in their childhood. This abuse is usually something they have not worked through in therapy. There is often resentment towards parents, older siblings, other abusers, or even themselves for the things that happened during childhood. In our society anger is usually the only emotion men can express without a fear of looking weak. So the pain they feel because of their childhood abuse or trauma often comes out as rage.

If we look at the core beliefs of a sex addict we see even more reasons for them to be angry. A sex addict believes he is an unworthy and unlovable person. He usually learned at a young age that he can depend on no one but himself. An exception to this is the addict with a doting parent (usually mother) who learned that he must be incapable of taking care of himself since she does everything for him…reinforcing the feelings of being unworthy. This kind of self-loathing once again is exhibited as displaced anger, usually directed toward wife, kids, or intimate objects.

How compartmentalization impacts a sex addict’s anger

The biggest reason for a sex addict’s anger, however, is the double life he has lived for so long. Sex addicts are full of secrets and secrets fuel shame. The secrets, like a tumor, grow inside them until they affect every part of their life.

I often explain the concept of compartmentalization, how men are much better than women at keeping different parts of their life in separate compartment, thus making it much easier to act out sexually without thinking about their wife or other consequences.

However, over time, I see a sex addict’s compartmentalization mechanism start to break down. Their secrets start to spill into other areas of their life. Guilt takes over and that’s when the anger really starts to rear its ugly head and it only gets worse.

There is something called cognitive dissonance. Basically this occurs when a person lives in a way that contradicts his or her value system. The person has to change either their belief system or their behavior. Otherwise they are in a constant state of conflict, guilt, confusion, and anxiety.

I see sex addicts try desperately to resolve this issue by either attempting to stop their addictive behavior on their own, by minimizing and denying, or by striving to normalize or rationalize their behavior. Hence comments like:

  • “Everyone looks at porn.”
  • “I only have sex with other women because my wife gained weight and can no longer turn me on.”
  • “I need to spend money on prostitutes because my wife doesn’t have enough sex with me.”
  • “At least what I did wasn’t as bad as that guy.”

This kind of thinking just doesn’t work. The cognitive dissonance doesn’t go away so it shows up as irritability and a bad temper.

What happens when the addiction comes out

When an addict begins recovery, usually because he got caught, the shame he has been living with every day usually gets worse before it gets better. That means the anger may get worse.

I have heard many addicts say the day their addiction came out was the worst and best day of their life all in one. The secrets are coming out and a burden is being lifted.

But now they have to deal with the aftermath of their behaviors. They may have to deal with legal consequences, job loss, or public humiliation. They have to deal with having to personally accept the reality of the things they have done. But above all, for the married sex addict, he has to face how he has hurt his wife. The shame is now one hundred fold.

If he is lucky enough for his wife to have stuck around, she is probably going through so many mood swings that he can’t even keep up. One minute she is crying hysterically and the next she is yelling at him how he has ruined her life.

And the research she is doing is driving him crazy! She is learning what he should do to recover. For her it is because she desperately wants to avoid getting hurt like this again. But for him, it often feels like she is trying to micromanage his life.

She may drag him to a counselor. She may order twenty books on sex addiction and if she doesn’t see him reading them she accuses him of not caring about her or about his recovery. She may demand he attend 12 step meetings.

While at first he felt terrible for how he hurt this woman he loves, he may quickly begin to see her as his worst enemy. Read my article, “What Wives of Sex Addicts Have a Right to Know” for more on the topic of her involvement in his recovery.

It doesn’t help that the sex addict may have some unresolved resentment toward women as a result of events in childhood. Further, his use of pornography and other sexually addictive behaviors has caused a lack of respect for women.

So when his wife starts expressing her needs, especially in what he perceives as an angry or attacking way, she triggers multiple emotions in him. His resistance to cooperate with her or even support her may seem surprising or even shocking to some.

But for him, and this is significant, the wounded little ten-year-old boy is coming out, and that little boy is being scolded, and it’s just not fair!

Related:The Worst Advice for Breaking a Porn Addiction

Understanding addiction and emotions

This is when many couples come to see me. While the addict is trying to take responsibility for his actions and how he has hurt his wife, he also wants her to see that he didn’t mean to hurt her and she should understand that.

Webster’s dictionary defines addiction as a “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (or behavior) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.”

So if his addiction is indeed a “need” then how can she hold it against him?

On the other hand, the wife is dealing with a myriad of emotions. While she may be at a point where her rational mind–based on the books she’s read and what her counselor says–tells her that her husband’s behavior was beyond his control and his secret lifestyle was not something that he wanted, her body reacts only to the fact that her husband has been repeatedly unfaithful, whether through pornography, cybersex, or physical encounters with other people.

Even though a man’s compulsive sexual behavior is something he is unable to stop without help, this does not change the trauma his wife suffers because of his multiple betrayals.

The husband’s experience after his wife discovers his addiction

Let’s look at the newly recovering married addict. His primary coping mechanism has been taken away. So in the most stressful time of his life he can’t turn to pornography or sex.

His wife is acting like a raving lunatic, moving from anger to tears to withdrawal in a matter of minutes. His free time has been replaced by attending 12 step meetings, therapy, reading SA literature, listening to the podcasts his wife insists he listen to etc., all while running on three hours of sleep because she kept him up all night insisting they talk even though he had to go to work early the next morning.

Even though many experts say these things are hallmarks of good recovery (minus the lack of sleep), in the beginning, the addict often sees it as his wife trying to govern his every action.

Rob Weiss, CSAT, clinical director of the Institute for Sexual Health in California, discusses this. Weiss, a recovering sex addict himself, states,

“The problem is that addicts are used to living in a world where they have control. By ‘giving in’ to going to treatment, meetings, disclosure etc., they are in-effect, giving up this control to their spouse.”

The wife’s experience after discovering her husband’s addiction

Now let’s look at the wife who has recently discovered her husband’s sexual addiction.

Her life as she knew it has been turned upside down. Everything she believed to be true now feels like a lie. The wedding she spent months planning, family vacations, romantic dinners, times spent cuddling on the couch watching movies, inside jokes, making love to her husband. All of it feels like a sham.

She questions everything. Was he acting out when we were on our honeymoon, what or who was he really thinking about when he was with me, did he really mean it when he said ‘til death do us part? She wonders if only she was prettier, had been a better wife, had had more sex with him…would he have still done these things?

Now she lives not only with the constant flashbacks from her husband’s past behavior, but also the persistent fear of getting hurt the same way again.

Research shows us that 69.9 % of partners met all symptomatic criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder using two assessments–the IES-R and the PDS (Steffens, 2005; Steffens & Rennie, 2006, Steffens & Means, 2009). Dr. Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means state in their book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse,

“If the attachment bond you felt for your partner has been violated and broken, you have a relational trauma wound. When that happens, all the warmth, safety, joy and comfort that the relationship formerly held can no longer be counted on. The relationship now becomes a source of danger, because you’ve discovered that much of what you believed about the one you love was a lie.”

Further, they say,

“Partners’ intense feelings of terror, anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness in coping with their painful situations mirror those of people who have survived violent assault, and other kinds of psychological traumas. Nothing prepares a person for this surprise in life: not a stable childhood, not a good education, not adequate training-not even a breadth of life experience can prepare the hurt partner for the intense pain encountered when this addiction surfaces in marriage.”

Related:5 Steps to Continue Healing from Betrayal Trauma

We’re left with two hurting people

So we have two hurting people, neither of whom have what it takes to meet the other’s needs. But here is the reality. While the addict experiences an immense amount of suffering, in this scenario the partner is the injured party.

While the addict’s world has also been turned upside down, his wife is the one left suffering from a disorder that his behaviors caused. Dorit Reichental, founder of Serenity Works Life Coaching, states, “As the injuring partner, the sex addict needs to be ready and willing to lead the healing process, and needs to be guided and supported by his therapist through this process.”

Stay tuned for Part Two where I will explore more about sex addicts, their anger, and how their shame keeps them from being able to support their wife like she needs.

(This article was written in 2012 with minor edits made in 2016 for Covenant Eyes blog.)

  1. Hello, I am glad I found your site. My husband’s sex and porn addition is really opening my eyes to all the secrets and I feel an urgent need to find out the truth. The pain has torn me apart and has taken my faith and hope. I don’t look forward to heaven any more. I no longer pray or meditate or believe in God. I just hope to die and for this tremendous pain and my thoughts, emotions and physical body gone forever. The joy and hope in life has all turned out to be an illusion for me. I will not kill myself because of my children, but only hope for the end of life for me.

    • Keith Rose

      Hello Debra,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. I’m grieved to hear of your situation. Please know that you are not alone. Bloom is an organization created for women who have experienced betrayal trauma, you can find them here: https://bloomforwomen.com/. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do.

      Blessings,

      Keith

  2. E

    Hi, before my marriage I knew my husband had an addiction to porn and naive as I was I thought the addiction would be gone once we committed our lives as husband and wife before God.

    We did a pre marriage couple counseling at church but it was a little help in our relationship. My husband felt shameful a lot of the times and I was just an emotional wreck.

    We were able to confront the issue of porn and attending strip club with our pastor. But this whole season brought so much heart ache. As a newly bride I wanted this problem to least of my issues.

    Sometimes I question whether I’m attractive enough to my husband. Whether I’m not pleasing him… and all sorts of things. That brings hurt to my heart again and again and again.

    A year after our marriage my husband still consumes porn but on a lower basis. He says he can stop it on his own but has fallen short a few times. God has woken me up many times during the night to confront my husband because he would hide it from me now.

    For my own coping mechanism I try to distance myself from the problem trying to believe he can remove pornography from our marriage.

    I still hurt a lot and most of the time alone. I haven’t found someone in my church that can help me deal with this issue.

    Today I have decided to download covenant eyes for all my home devices. My husband was outraged of my decision. I’m hurting a lot internally and I hope I can find resolution for my marriage. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

    E

    • Moriah Bowman

      Hi E,

      Thank you for pouring out your heart and asking for advice! I am so encouraged to hear that you are attending church and using Covenant Eyes (even if your husband doesn’t want to).
      You are enough. You are beautiful and strong, and his addiction has nothing to do with whether or not you are “pleasing” him. This is a heart issue, and only God can change your husband’s heart. The good news is that: God CAN. So please do not give up hope!

      Have you and your husband discussed additional counseling? If there isn’t someone in your church who can walk you both through this, I would recommend you seek outside Christian counseling in your area! For your own healing, please check out the resources at Bloom for Women. I pray they comfort and strengthen you!

      Above all, keep clinging to Christ. This marriage is not over, and it’s not beyond repair! I will be praying for your husband to see this addiction for what it is (incredibly destructive and full of betrayal) and turn to Christ for freedom from pornography.
      Blessings,
      Moriah

  3. Renee

    I feel this hits home for me. I’ve been with my husband 5 years we have 3 little girls youngest is 3. I caught my husband early on cheating and than again and again the last time I caught him was 2 years ago at which I found Ashley Maddison emails for women and also emails answering Craigslist for random sex with men. I knew it was more serious than I thought at which I found a CSAT therapist he’s been in therapy since than but I don’t feel he worked his therapy 100% because he wasn’t 100% transparent and even though I’ve been working on myself with bloom for women podcasts and books by Robert Weiss my husband all of a sudden dropped a bomb on me a few weeks ago saying he wanted a divorce was angry yelling at me and badgering me till I lost it and argued back. I didn’t realize till after I engaged In the arguing that he was having a relapse all the signs he had pointed to it than to top it off he said he’s been having an emotional affair with a women for the past month but wouldn’t say who cause he’s protecting her. I’ve been devastated starting seeing a CSAT therapist to help me I thought we were good in all this it’s new for me I have no idea what to say think or do except trust in my higher power and I now started with Al-Anon as per my therapist suggested to me. In all this I wish I could understand what’s going on with husband now and how he could just give up on his family without a care in the world. Thank you for listening.

    • Kay Bruner

      Renee,

      I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve been going through for so long. I’m sorry that your husband has relapsed in such a difficult way.

      I’m glad that you have gotten good support and done such good work for yourself. It sounds like you are doing all that you can to be responsible for yourself, and that’s going to be the healthiest way forward: no matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy. None of us are guaranteed a hallmark ending or a happily ever after, but we can be responsible for ourselves no matter what others choose.

      Thank you for sharing your story with us here.

      Kay

  4. Gail

    Today is my 27th wedding anniversary. Our house is sold and i have to separate as I can’t take the gas lighting, anger and sarcasm any longer.

    I don’t recognize this man I married. I didn’t realize he brought this issue into out marriage, but the internet just ‘poured gasoline on the fire’ so to speak…

    He continues to lie to the pastor, counselor and everyone else he is accountable to. He has become arrogant and a narcissistic individual who now boasts what a honest man he is.

    Red flag…if you have to talk about how honest you are and continually use ‘Fakebook’ as your avenue to demonstrate what a incredible man you are..something is missing in the depths of your heart..

    I have seen such filth on his phone and computer for so long that I just want to work on self-healing. Some girls look all of 13 years old. His father has had numerous affairs and has been a bad example, but he too cares more about earning praises for his musical abilities than actually living a godly life.

    My husband teaches Men’s Bible studies and plays on the worship team while watching his world collapse financially and personally…this addiction has got such a hold on him that he has to work full-time to keep his world looking good to those around him.

    I mean nothing now even though I stood beside him and gave him chances time and time again. I have been emotionally abused for so long that I have lost myself in the battle. I now have cancer and not a good prognosis. He is absent emotionally and I have to walk away with no funds and no support.

    Looking forward to heaven just to get away from this mess..

    • Kay Bruner

      Gail,

      My heart breaks for you.

      I am so glad that you are able to see things for what they really are, and that you can recognize the emotional abuse for what it really is. There is no justice in your situation, but I hope that the separation you allude to here will allow you peace and give you strength for your physical and emotional health.

      Are you able to access a therapist for yourself? There is so much pain here that needs care and support. I also love the online resources at Bloom for Women, which are easy to use at your convenience.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  5. Jaime

    I think I have gone through so much hurt and heartache. The PTSD, detective work, and constant reading self-help books and articles has left me so numb. I actually don’t know if he is still looking at porn anymore, but sadly, my heart is so numb and apathetic to what he does. He is still secretive, keeping his phone on him at all times, keeping the computer passcode on so nobody can log in except him. He continues to be angry all the time, but I refuse to fight and it makes him more mad. I just don’t have time for the drama. I don’t know if these feelings that I have is another stage of coping. I just wish I felt something and wish I wasn’t living in the shadow of a volcano.

    • Moriah Dufrin

      Hi Jaime,

      Thank you for being honest and sharing your struggles. When your husband has a pattern of untrustworthy behavior, of course you don’t trust him. Trust is earned. And it’s earned by trustworthy behavior over time. If he’s not trustworthy, it’s foolish to trust him. Praise be to God that we can find hope and comfort in Christ! I would encourage you to download and read our free ebook: Porn and Your Husband.

      May God bless you in your walk!
      Moriah

    • Jenn

      Jaime, your words are mine, only my husband doesn’t seem to ” hide” it anymore. Just a couple weeks ago while I was gone for 3 days he had a binge fest of his fetish, a certain look he likes and a continuation of his ” collection ( I removed his other collections). I came home to find he didn’t seem to care I found it all in browser history. Just today I found his google searches on his phone, I had a feeling while my teen girls and I were gone he was busy again because he quickly put in down and plugged it in.
      I have been with my husband 20 years, married 19 and know now he brought this with him into our marriage. Wish when I first found it 2 years into our marriage I would have known then what I do now, but I trusted him to get rid of it, to stop. I buried it deep inside and now know it became a bitter root taking hold in me and in my marriage.
      My husband wants out of our marriage, he is very depressed, angery and negative all the time.
      We did 9 months of counselling, but he quit. I however need to find a good Christian counsellor because I am so messed up. Partly because I ended up obsessed with what he was looking at and collecting that I viewed those images too.
      He does not seem to have any remorse, or care anymore about it hurting me, our daughters and our family. Selfisness rules.

    • Kay Bruner

      Jenn, I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think you’re so wise to turn your attention to yourself, because you’re the only one you can be responsible for in the end. In addition to a personal counselor, you will probably also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever your husband chooses, you can be healthy and well. Peace to you, Kay

  6. J

    I’m sorry but I do not understand where in the article blames the injured spouse. Am I missing something? The article and replies are great information. The defense mechanism’s are not discussed in this particular piece but doesn’t mean they disagree.

    • Dana

      He still never leaves his phone around me. He’s not giving me any access to it. I don’t trust him. I HATE the little black box. Be says he’s not but prove it. I loath porn. He thought I’d be ok with it however he knows I’m insecure and jealous and yet thinks I’m ok with him getting off on other women. I’m so injured by this.

    • Moriah Dufrin

      Hi Dana,

      The battle against porn is never easy. Thanks be to God that we can find peace in him, even when life seems painful and hopeless. As you struggle to trust your husband, I would encourage you to read our ebook: Hope After Porn. My prayer is that it increases your faith and strengthens you.

      Blessings,
      Moriah

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