Breaking Free

The following is a guest post by Laura Booz. Laura is on the speaking team of Pure Freedom, a ministry dedicated to equipping men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity. She attends Penns Valley Community Church with her husband Ryan and is the proud mother of two adorable children, Vivienne and Lia.

A little over a month ago, I posted a link to a testimony given by Laura’s husband, Ryan. In this talk he candidly shares the story about his porn addiction and how it nearly devastated his marriage. Shortly after hearing his talk I got in touch with Laura and asked her to share the same story from her perspective.

This is the second of three posts Laura is writing to share her story. Please follow this link if you haven’t already read Part 1 of her story. Thanks, Laura, for being so open.

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Part 2: Listening to Wise Friends

“You’re acting like the man of the house,” Lois said gently as we sat together on our couch in the living room.

This was the last thing I expected in such a time of crisis. Even though two weeks had passed since I had discovered Ryan’s most recent struggle with pornography, I was still reeling from the hurt. Doesn’t she know that I need more sympathy? I wondered.

I had just returned from my parents’ home in an effort to regain some normalcy and consider restoring our marriage. One of the first things I did upon my return was to go to Ryan’s office and check his work computer to make sure he had been “clean” while I was gone. My dear mentor’s “man of the house” comment came on the tails of me proudly describing my proactive check-up.

Lois must have read the confusion on my face as she explained that I needn’t “check up” on Ryan any more. She said that his male accountability mentors were by his side. She challenged me to allow Ryan to develop his own internal passion to resist temptation. I finally understood that, as long as I persisted in assuming spiritual leadership in our home, prioritizing myself and my goals and taking responsibility for Ryan’s choices, Ryan would not experience the work or glory of godly manhood.

Over the past two weeks I had learned to trust the wisdom of mentors and close friends, since I couldn’t see clearly through my own ferocious emotions. In fact, one of the only reasons I decided to return home and give Ryan another chance was the presence of four undaunted friends who dropped everything just to hold our marriage together.

For 40 days after my discovery of Ryan’s ongoing struggle-while I got over my initial desire to kill him- Ryan lived with our friend Mark and his family. Mark spent hours with Ryan-at the breakfast table, under the stars by the fire pit, on the porch, on the phone-asking him all of the tough questions, kicking his behind, and teaching him how to be a godly man. Ryan said that every morning Mark would remind him that, in order to truly live, Ryan had to die to himself. This meant giving up every selfish, immature notion and behavior and replacing them with sacrificial love. Tough stuff. Another dear friend (also named Mark!) joined in the battle. “The Marks” (as we came to call them) didn’t overlook anything. They noticed and jumped on parts of Ryan’s personality and perspective that I wouldn’t have had the discernment or courage to address. (Men seem to have a special knack for nailing each other.) Ryan worked hard to consider what they were saying and to accept God’s transformation. They spent hours praying, asking God to address very specific events, wounds, reasons, memories, and habits. To this day, I don’t know all of the details that went on as the Marks faithfully beat Ryan down and built him back up again, but I do know that we will always tell our children and our children’s children about the friends who did the hard work of instilling manliness and godliness in Ryan; because God asked them to, they helped to save our generations.

Of course, during those 40 days, I was getting my behind kicked too. (Take my gentle but life-changing rebuke from Lois, for example.)

Lois and another friend, Stephanie, held me through the healing process; crying with me when things were really bad, correcting me when I believed and spoke lies, and teaching me how to return my heart to God and to Ryan. They told me that I could call them whenever I needed to talk. So I did. Our marital situation was so dire that I couldn’t afford to be overly considerate. I needed help and, for one of the first times in my life, I not only accepted it, but I also asked for it. Little by little, God used their guidance to soften my heart and to transform my bitterness into anticipation.

Although Lois and Steph passed along books and other resources over time, they mostly encouraged me to bring my heart constantly before God. They encouraged me to ask Him, “What does today look like?” “What should I do with my heart today?” So, I asked…And asked…And asked. I listened to His quiet and sure answers, journalling, praying, and walking them out. This practice was one of the most effective changes in my life.

One afternoon, a friend challenged me to tell Ryan that I respected him and to specify why. Out of my bitterness, I told her that there was no way I could conjure up any reason to respect him at all. Yet, she left me with the challenge. I asked God, “How in the world could I come up with a reason to respect Ryan?!”

That evening, when Ryan left our weekly get-together, I dragged my feet to the door behind him. I didn’t know yet what I would say, but I forced myself to begin. I blurted out, “Oh yeah, I ummm… respect you for…ummmm… taking this all so seriously.” I was shocked that I had come up with something on the spot. I was more shocked that I actually meant what I said: I did respect the way that Ryan seemed to be investing his full heart into the restoration process. Of course, I was most shocked that, for the first time in weeks, Ryan’s face lit up with a grateful and sincere smile as he said, “Thank you. I am taking this seriously. I love you.”

Later that evening, I read an email from one of the Marks. It said, “Your groom is coming.” I was ready to hope that he meant Ryan.

(To be continued . . .)