About the author, Sam Guzman

Sam Guzman is a Product Marketer at Covenant Eyes and the co-author of Transformed by Beauty. He's also an author and editor of The Catholic Gentleman whose work has appeared in several publications. He resides in Oklahoma with his wife and three kids.

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2 thoughts on “From Isolation to Connection (Part 4)

  1. I was so intentionally blind to the damage being done by my addiction. From my new place seeking daily victory through Christ I can better see the many years He actively prodded me to stop. I was hard hearted and deeply selfish. I used genuine intimacy issues as my excuse for why I needed it, and lied to myself till I was convinced that my mental cheating was better than physically cheating.

    I knew I was living contrary to God’s will and I slipped into depression, which would not go away. Finally almost two years ago now, I took the step to seek therapy and help, and with the effort to address my addiction the depression began to fade. However, my past did catch up with me. In late 2016 my wife began to share that she felt as if we were two islands drifting apart and that she was considering divorce. A few months later, having learned of my years of secrecy and betrayal via porn, my wife chose divorce.

    I’ve watched with a deep sense of shame, intense regrets, and self-condemnation as my family has been torn apart. I still have days where I feel so lonely and separated from my loved ones, and I cry outloud in an empty apartment how sorry I am to my wife and children for failing them.

    There was so much to which I was blind. One of the consequences I did not foresee was that in one person’s mind a correlation would be drawn between my use of porn and affection towards my children. The belief became that because I used porn I must be prone to abuse of my children. As a result I have been subject to terrible allegations, and have had to lay my life bare to the courts and many evaluators to show I am not an abuser. On one hand, having no reputation left to protect has been wonderful. It is only God’s reputation that matters now. On the other hand, the terror of being accused of monstrous behavior and facing a culture that chose to see guilt without evidence, nearly destroyed me.

    How does a porn addict learn to thrive after being falsely accused of child predation? How do you recover when you have both betrayed and also feel betrayed?

    God is so good. He is keeping me sober, through Covenant, recovery, confidants, and many godly brothers. For the first time in 24 years I feel as if the addiction to porn is not in control. I am 19 months sober and I pray daily that I will stay so the rest of my life.

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