I never thought my life would have any association with the word pornography.
I grew up in a Christian family with my mom, dad, and brother. My childhood was great. We didn’t even have a computer until I was in my college years. My dad never had any objectionable material in the house. I had never even seen a cliché magazine. Then, I met the wonderful man I would marry. He made every part of my life happy and complete. I married at just 19 years old—and as for being married so young, I loved it. I loved every day living with my best friend and lover. Each day was happiness for us. Along the way, we had three beautiful children. We decided I would be a stay-at-home mom. Life just couldn’t be any better for us.
The Day Everything Changed
Then my life changed. It changed the day I found out my husband had a secret addiction to pornography for ten years of our marriage. Actually, he had the addiction ever since I met him. He carried it with him every day, never telling anyone—not even his wife.
That awful day that I found out, changed everything. I was looking at my husband’s phone. What I found were deleted bookmarks and still screens of pornographic videos he had watched. I dropped to my knees in horror as I realized my husband had been viewing pornography secretly at night when I was sleeping. He said all those late nights he had been “working” on the computer. Suddenly, I went from delighted wife and mother to devastated, unworthy, useless person. That’s how I felt inside—useless.
My husband had looked at other women regularly and then made love to me. I was disgusted, and I hated him. How could he do this to me? He knew I never had any knowledge of this stuff. He knew I trusted him and never checked up on what he was doing. How could he possibly love me day in and day out and be so deceiving and unfaithful? These are the questions I cried out to God.
How My Husband Got Into Porn
I desperately wanted answers and understanding. Long talks with my husband led him to share with me how pornography was introduced to him as a child. His father always had magazines and videos in the house. Then, when he was a young teen, he was given his own computer—without supervision. My husband fell into watching porn, sex chatting, and other impure activities long before I fell in love with him. And just like he had always done, these lies came with him, as a secret background to our happy marriage. I desired to understand how such a loving, kind man could have such an awful sin. I researched every website I could to learn about pornography addiction. I learned as much as I could about my husband and his secret life.
Over the course of three years, God worked in our lives. It seemed very slow, as my husband moved towards repentance, but God was working every day. He brought my husband into full confession. Things he never thought he would share with anyone, he was openly telling me. I was upset and angry. I was beyond despair. However, I made a choice to keep trying. I decided to believe in God’s whole message of grace and forgiveness. I knew that God had seen all these dark, despondent moments, even if I did not. God was there the whole time. He was aware of the brokenness of my marriage. He also knew the moment that I would find out and be devastated.
The Restoration of Our Marriage
God continued to urge me to help my husband. We installed Covenant Eyes on all our phones, iPads, and computers. My husband began being accountable to me. He didn’t share every detail, but he kept me updated on how he was doing with temptation and struggles. We talked, prayed, and read together nightly. Our marriage started to be restored. God showed us that we could begin again. It seems impossible, after so many years of hurt. But, God makes the impossible possible! We accepted God’s plan to rebuild our marriage.
We know our marriage is stronger, more loving, and more faithful than it ever would have been without this trauma. God has given us hope that we can be open and help each other. We do not have to keep our struggles silent, but we can have the type of intimate marriage that God had planned for us on the day we married.
Recently, God has called me to start a blog to bring hope and healing to wives hurting from their husbands’ pornography use and unfaithfulness. He is working miracles in marriages. I promised God if my life had to have an association with the word pornography, it would be as a hopeful one.
Robi Smith is a wife and mother to four wonderful children. She has been married for thirteen years. Robi has a Master of Counseling in Counseling Psychology and is the founder of Hopeful Wife Today as she aims to bring hope and healing to hurting wives from their husbands’ pornography use and unfaithfulness. She is continuing to see God’s restoring power every day in her life and in her own marriage.
The generalizations and sexist attitudes from the men above just make me appreciate my husband even more (and I already did appreciate him). Lots of assumptions about individuals they know nothing about… Porn reinforces these disparaging attitudes toward women in general… Like we’re a sub-human species that are all exactly the same and behave the same way. Sad, really. But… None of you are my man, and your opinions don’t matter in my book. Unless you’re being constructive to the post and issue at hand, I have dismissed your narrow-minded, chauvinistic and completely illogical train-wrecks of “thought.” :) I will, however, continue to pray for the men and women who are caught in this mess, whichever side of the battle they are on.
Woman was made for man, not man for woman; that’s just the way it is.
Also, if “woman was made for man” why are husbands commanded to lay down their lives for their wives?
Contrary to wildly popular belief (and one porn perpetuates), women were not created for men. Woman was created to glorify God. God already had the creation of woman in mind, because He already had His Son’s sacrifice in mind and a woman was who He chose to birth Him. The first woman (Eve) was then offered to the first man (Adam) as a gift in the form of “wife.” But that is not her sole purpose.
A *wife* (as in, not all women, just that one) is a gift to her husband (as in, not all men, just that one). She’s a gift, not an entitlement, a help-mate to her husband, among other callings God has given her, and quite possibly second to those other callings (such as Mary being created to birth the Savior, not merely to be Mrs. Joseph). I believe husbands and wives were/are destined for each other, just as Joseph was destined to protect and provide for Mary and Jesus until He was old enough to care for Himself.
Anyway, this post has seriously digressed for me. So I’ll take the peace and hope I’ve received from it, and let the rest alone. Thanks, Robi, for sharing your story, and to the other men and women who gave unbiased and biblical advice. It made a difference for one person, at least :)
I shall reply at length in due time. In the meantime, do read the Good Book more thoroughly – all of it – and you will see a pattern to the dynamics of male-female relationships from God’s perspective. Cheers.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pornography is for losers. AND some men happily kick the habit and become THEIR OWN DUDES once agin. BUT, ladies, if you’re married to a former addict, and things still ain’t clicking between the twain of ye in the affective dept., it could very well be that YOU’RE JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH.
And I’m not talking just between the sheets, or how yer body rates against those perfect 10’s of fantasia. Nay, YOU, the woman, are not Lara Croft or Barbara Blade or Red Sonja, or whatever. So what do you do to collar Mr. Jaded’s interest? Dangle from a rope over a snake pit? Take the budget route of making him jealous? NYET! Those things tend to backfire and you might just end up making a fool of yourself as well. (Ridiculous AND uninteresting – good grief!)
Let me tell you what you CAN do: make yourselves pretty – for him, now! Work out: you’ll feel better, look better, and it does wonders for your confidence and mood, too. (In fact, CONFIDENCE can’t be overrated when it comes to sex appeal.) Smile. Yeah, SMILE! Look like you have things under control. Put a spring in your step, a song in your heart, and a wiggle in your hips. Dress youthfully. Show that guy some skin in a coy way, ya hear, unexpectedly… in fact, (and please make sure you’re alone) surprise him erotically when he least expects it.
Have SEX for a change. (Instead of its correct, genteel cousin – making love.) Sex, mesdames, in all its raw, unbridled, animalistic expression. Don’t hold back on hands, tongue, nipples, pudenda, toes, et al, in the boudoir of passion. Do something daring (say, dangling from a rope over – just kidding, now – more likely, teaching a class somewhere or turning a hobby into a business… you get my drift). Be mysterious, alluring, a femme fatale (well, maybe not THAT), but try to put some pizzazz into your dull salad bowl of a marriage.
In short, BE WOMAN, in all your soft, sweet, sly, sultry, sexy seductiveness (howm’Idoin’ with alliteration?) to that MAN in all his patriarchal, tribal chieftain, big kahuna, chest-thumpin’, manly identity. Laugh. Enjoy God’s creation. Live life to the fullest, as an exclamation! – not a question mark. Be a fun person. His dream lover. And best wishes in your quest for the NEW YOU. And may the same Elohim who inspired Song of Songs give you SHALOM (and a husband who says: “There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all!”)
Hey Xavier,
You must know a whole lot of women I’ve never heard about: women who don’t want to be pretty, who don’t want to be sexually confident, who think smiling is overrated, who like to look haggard and worn out, and who don’t like sex. I’m sure women like this exist, but I don’t see what it has to do with their “former porn-addict husband.”
Shows you’ve never met my aunt Hildegard.
Your right. I haven’t.
I am so encouraged that the Spirit of God leads us to the same Truths, though our lives may not touch geographically. God the Spirit also gave me the same governing Biblical principle from John 16:13, English Standard Version: “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.” The Spirit is the ‘revealer of Truth.’ It is who He is and what He does! He(the Spirit) also revealed to me that James 1 held the practical “black & white” promise that He would give me wisdom, if I asked. Having these Truths also helped me “rest” and not “obsess.” Thank you for such candid questions and Biblical directives! The Spirit of God can be trusted to lead us into all Truths, and also help us rest in Him.
I agree! And when I see some of the assaults against the godly women here, all I can think of is the “accuser of the brethren” has to rear his ugly head! Anywhere we are finding peace and hope in Christ, he has to show up and attempt to steal it. So to me, it’s only confirmation of what you just said!!
Marriage really is not worth it nowadays. I think this is why people are flocking to porn. I find it odd that women are complaining the most about this and at the same time women are doing the most porn. It is a so hypocritical.
When I look around me and examine my life, I have to question this idea that marrying one woman for life is a good thing. In America, we have it in our heads that women are angels. They can do no wrong. Yet, women have aborted 58 million souls, they are the aggressors in domestic violence case 70% of the time, and they lie, cheat, and fight just like men. They are not the saints we make them out to be. Women are extremely difficult to live with because often everything is about them. What blinds men is when women are young and cute and fun. You don’t see the forty years of what happens after you marry them. That cute, fun woman becomes an out of shape and demanding woman overnight. You deal with forty year of drama. I truly believe that if prostitution was legal, men would not marry or at least, marriage rates will plummet. That is really why prostitution is evil and illegal because women know this. It has nothing to do with being immoral. You have on person who wants sex and one willing to give sex. After all, there are thousands of jobs in this world. No one has to be a prostitute but many women do it because the money is great. Where else can you make $300 an hour tax free and have fun doing it? Women also are in denial about their responsibility in all of this.
Makes me sad really. When I was a kid, I thought the sun rose and set on a cute sweet girl. Now that I have lived a full life, I see how wrong I was. Many men see just how wrong they were too and this is why they look at porn. When you are trapped in a marriage, it is either look at porn, cheat with a mistress, or go to divorce court where you lose all that you worked and killed yourself for. Not many option there.
Hurt wife,
I could have written your exact words. The story of your marriage before discovering the addiction is so similar to mine. My husband has pursued his recovery relentlessly….CR twice per week, church accountability, counseling and even polygraph tests every four months. He has been able to eradicate addiction from his life and has been sober for over a year. His strength in this area is amazing to me and so admirable. Even after all of this, our emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical intimacy is virtually non-existent. No matter what I say/write or how many lists, books and articles the counselor gives him, he still makes minimal (at best) effort in our marriage. He is also so lackadaisical about it….leaves me wondering if he even wants any other intimacy besides physical. Maybe the 20 years (he is 35) of porn trained him this way? No real intimacy, only intimacy that satisfies him? I have had myself in knots wondering if maybe I am expecting too much, but I know that I am not. As husband and wife, we are meant to connect to each other. We didn’t get married just to pay bills and have babies. It is so hard to keep trying and lately I feel myself just giving up. If it wasn’t for my kids, I don’t know if I would stay to endure this this kind of repeated pain.
I think what you’ve said here is absolutely critical: marriage is not just about not looking at porn! Real recovery, real marriage is all about that emotional and spiritual intimacy that nurtures us. I do think that 20 years of porn, starting during the teen years, is very likely a huge factor in his inability to connect emotionally. He’s never had to do it. My husband had to learn all that, too. And, like you say, you couldn’t tell him about it. He just didn’t get it. In his family, there was already an idea that “men can’t feel” (seriously, those words were actually spoken to me!). And then put porn on top, and it felt like an insurmountable obstacle to ever having an emotional connection.
He swears by the bubble bath routine that he–yes, HE!–instituted 12 years ago during our recovery. He says it worked for him for several reasons. 1. Nudity! 2. Wine and snack. 3. He didn’t have to “gaze into my eyes” or “be emotional”. He just created this time every day where we were together and talked about our day, or whatever. Initially I cried a lot and talked a lot and he listened a lot. But over the years, it’s also become the place where he’s felt safe emotionally as well. Sometimes we have big fights in there. But it’s a safe place, and we always come back to it. Every night. It’s just what we do.
I’ve also realized that a lot of what we do these days lines up with Dr. John Gottman’s ideas in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I find that men like this book because it’s kind of a back door to emotional intimacy–it talks about a lot of practical things that lead to connection.
How come you did not post my comment? Because it doesn’t follow the pity party comments you have here? My comment mimics what MANY men feel. I saved what I wrote if you want me to post it again, but you are not showing the full picture of what is going on in society. Not at all talking about this stuff realistically.
Here is the thing that no one addresses —— maybe people are NOT supposed to be attached to one person for an entire life!!! EVERY married couple I know are pretty much miserable. Everyone wants the other person to be the way they want that person to be. Look at all the wives writing these comments. It is all about them. It has nothing to really do about love for their husbands but rather, about making sure that the wife’s needs and expectations are met.
Again, if you are going to give this subject serious discussion, post all comments. I did not swear. I was not mean. I gave an opinion that is just as valid as anyone elses.
I’m searching through our pending comments trying to find one I haven’t published yet. Still no luck there. It is always possible your comment was marked as spam, but if you’re moving from one IP address to another, it would be hard to track.
Sorry to hear your experience of married couples is so negative. It is sad to hear that. I’m not sure I would base what I believe about marriage on your personal experiences, but it is sad nonetheless.
Thank you to both of you! Kay, I really understand that, and I appreciate the book suggestion! Even if I only read it alone, perhaps it will still help us. I just have to keep praying and trying to be the best and most loving wife God calls me to be. I can’t control him, but it is SO heartening to hear my feelings validated. At least I know I’m not nuts! I do, thankfully, have a friend God literally sent me during this time. She has walked this same walk and is very devout in faith to Christ. And I totally get the male pressure to not open up… But if a man cannot be vulnerable with God and his loving wife, who in the world CAN he be vulnerable to? I want to be that safe place for him.. I want to know him better and support him in struggles. I can’t if he shuts me out.
Somethoughts, I have to tell you… Reading from other husbands like you who have made it the other side of this harrowing spiritual battle gives me so much hope it brings tears to my eyes! The thing is, I want to see him happy and thriving, not merely existing, and this gives me hope he’ll get there if I keep having faith. Here are the answers:
1. No. He is very private and has almost no male friends. This didn’t bother me until now. I have to be the “accountability partner” which is ok to an extent, but I hate asking the tough questions, and therefore rarely do. I feel like it may promote more secrets and exacerbate this spiritual battle.
2. We are members of a local church and have met with the pastor, who gave great, balanced counsel and suggested things for us to do together (which some haven’t been done). We do have elders that would love to meet with him, I’m sure, but one of those elders is my dad. That would be HIGHLY uncomfortable for my husband, although I know my dad’s walk with Christ is strong and sincere, and he would not judge him. But still, I think his reluctance with that option would be completely understandable. There are also male accountability groups, but…. He doesn’t want to. I won’t force or nag him into it. I wish he would realize the importance without me having to coerce him into it somehow.
3. I hate ultimatums and so haven’t given any. Not saying they aren’t warranted EVER and I think you have a great suggestion! I did think of letting him come to an empty house, but I never actually did it. This was when the distancing was so bad I truly felt like the man who put a ring on my finger was gone. I haven’t verbalized it to him, but his commitment to forsake all others (even those on a screen) is so paramount to me, that I will not see this through a second time if it happens.
Something I do have to deal with is my fears: I’m so afraid we’re headed for round two at some point. I’ve had my own spiritual battles (and still do!) and one thing I know is that when you are moving toward God and away from a stronghold, the devil doesn’t let you from his claws so easily. The temptations and justifications (at first, especially) seem to flare up WORSE as you move more to freedom from such a powerful stronghold. So I’m very concerned that he’s had “no temptations.” Maybe I’m wrong about this though?
And thank you so much for your prayers!!
You know, I often wondered how people can believe in a talking bush or that a person can live in whale. But with time, I have come to learn that people who are fundamentalist and too into religion really live in some crazy dream world that does not exist and never has existed.
Many people have some made up illusion about marriage. They really do. Especially women. First, marriage is not at all what it is cracked up to be. When a guy gets married, he basically forfeits his life. Secondly, there really is a double standard in America and even on Covenant Eyes. It is always about how the male broke God’s rules. Yet, there is such little talk about how women do not pay one iota of attention to what the bible demands of them. American women doing what the bible says? Please. Women are not holding up any part of the biblical bargain. Lastly, men are not appreciated at all. Go to a feminist lecture. You see this clearly. You will hear about a Gender Pay Gap which is completely bogus and a Rape Culture that does not exist. (I can back those statements up too but that is a different discussion.) Feminists literally push lies. Women literally push lies and no one ever calls them on this. You want things to improve ladies? Call your gender out on their collective nonsense. You better for the sake of your husbands and especially your sons.
Men have always been disposable commodities in our society, dying to protect women who have more reproductive power. Women have always been the selectors. The sheltered, protected, and praised. Men work the toughest most dangerous jobs, used as human weapons dying to protect their nation, we make up the vast majority of homicide victims, suicide victims, and over 90% of the unsheltered homeless. We are given far harsher prison sentences for the exact same crimes women commit. Boys are failing in education, disrespected, and treated like worthless nobodies and called losers because they can’t get a girlfriend. Men are losing their children and their money in the family courts. Heck, girls are being indoctrinated more than ever. Indoctrinated to the point that six-year-olds are claiming sexual harassment before they even know what sex or harassment even is. Feminism is destroying family. They destroy it in the womb and through complete devaluing men.
Who is actually helping men? It certainly isn’t women. It certainly isn’t the churches. In fact, women in America are the ones doing them in and the churches turn a blind eye. So forgive me if I don’t buy into the sob story of a wife who found porn on her husband’s phone. Until men are appreciated again, lots of women are going to find porn on their husband’s phone because frankly, marriage is not worth it at all. There is absolutely no upside to dedicating your life to one woman. Heck, there is no upside to marriage. None. You work, you are a paycheck, and you die. If you really have bad luck, you work, you are a paycheck, the woman divorces you and takes everything then you die.
Lastly, ladies let me let you in on a little secret. Porn isn’t going to destroy your marriage. You making a big deal out of porn will destroy your marriage. Looking at a pretty woman is not going to make a man leave. It is simply a man looking at a pretty woman and we already know you look at men so spare us your hypocrisy. Heck, money turns your eyes more than anything. At least with men, beauty turns their eyes. Women will sell out most men for money or disregard them if they dont have money. So spare me your holier than thou attitude. If your husband leaves, I promise you — there is a lot more to it than a dirty picture or a sex scene. There are very real things wrong in your relationship other than porn. The realities are that porn gets old very, very quickly. What doesn’t get old quickly is a fundamentalist, puritanical wife who really is just upset because she is threatened by a pretty woman her husband will never even meet. What gets old is seeing men devalued and know it is going to be even worse for your sons. Believe me — it is going to get much worse. We have men going to prison for sex crimes that do not happen against women who do not exist after that imaginary person consented, pursued the male, and invited him to meet. When we are protecting imaginary women and destroying the lives of real men. Thing have gotten out of control That is how bad it is getting in America. We value imaginary women more than real men.
There’s a lot you’ve said here, so I’ll try to respond as best I can.
1. Why do people believe in talking bushes? They don’t. They believe in a talking God who can, when He wishes, make His voice emanate from any direction, including even shrubbery.
2. When a guy gets married, he basically forfeits his life. True. This is actually seen as a good thing in the Bible. And women forfeit their lives as well.
3. Women are not holding up any part of the biblical bargain. Not sure what you’re talking about here because you haven’t given any examples, but we talk a lot about what a woman is supposed to do to obey God. We have scores of articles about women not looking at porn, forgiving a husband who looks at porn, or raising children to be wise about our over-sexualized culture. Whatever silence you experience out there, we don’t try to have it here.
4. Rape culture doesn’t exist. Why do you think this?
5. Feminism is destroying family. Possibly, but what does it have to do with this article?
6. Until men are appreciated again, lots of women are going to find porn on their husband’s phone. Sorry to hear you would justify looking at porn because men feel unappreciated. That’s like justifying a wife’s vengeful frigidity because she is unwilling to forgive wrongs done to her.
7. Who is actually helping men? It certainly isn’t women. It certainly isn’t the churches. Sorry to hear that is your experience, but it certainly isn’t mine or the experiences of many others I know.
8. Porn isn’t going to destroy your marriage. I agree and disagree. I agree because porn in and of itself doesn’t destroy marriages—unless you’re talking about the marriages of the producers and actors. If porn was just made but never consumed, the damage it causes would be fairly localized. I do think, however, a man or woman who is looking at porn brings a mentality into their marriage that is destructive. We have scores of research to back up this claim, and I encourage you to read our packet of statistics to get more information.
9. What doesn’t get old quickly is a fundamentalist, puritanical wife who really is just upset because she is threatened by a pretty woman her husband will never even meet. I’m not sure what you mean by “fundamentalist” or “puritanical,” but I assume you mean something pejorative. If so, I don’t think anyone should be either of these. Either way, I’ve never met a woman who is threatened by the actual actresses her husband masturbates to—as if those women will knock on her husband’s door some day. The women we speak to are threatened by the men they are married to, the men who choose not to make their wives their standard of beauty, the men who promise to forsake all others but then do the opposite, the men who blame their wives for not living up to porn-star standards, the men who crave fantasy over reality.
Oh my gosh. Thank you for this article.. I’m checking your blog out now! It’s been 6 months since my husband admitted to using pornography during our marriage. I was devastated… Completely heart broken. My love, the one who I happily gave my whole self to, had been doing this while I slept too. He told me it started when I was pregnant. Though I was very sexually receptive, I could tell he was distancing… Getting more aggravated with me as time went on. He eventually was acting very different from the man I fell in love with. I kept trying harder to be a better wife in every way I could imagine. I eventually became a door mat. When he yelled at me for absolutely nothing I knew something was very wrong with us. That’s when it occurred to me something must be going on. I asked him some questions about porn and he was honest.
Anyway, we met with our pastor a few times, installed CE, I cried so much to him and many times he withdrew further and became a stranger to me at times. Sometimes he listened and apologized and held me. After the initial shock and upset, we’ve only talked briefly a few times about it. And that was it. I do not feel like any break-through has happened with us. I had always wanted a deeper spiritual connection with him, and after all this came out I hoped at least that would be the outcome. Not so… We’re almost the same couple except he has had behavioral improvements (no more yelling, more attentive in general, dating me again as finances permit). But no deeper connection… I don’t feel like I KNOW him any better than that he had that issue. I’ve asked him if he’s been tempted, he says no and that’s it. I’m still tortured by it… I want to get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place. Also, if he’s not tempted by it at all, why in the world couldn’t he stop the first time he did it and felt overcome with “guilt and shame” as he described? He says he only used it “several times” as if it’s not too bad of a breaking of our vows that he fantasized about being with other women “just a few times.” Not to mention he admits to having masturbated in the shower during that time “about once every couple weeks”, as he relived his virtual escapades with other women. The nagging question in my mind: If it’s so easy to stop now, why wasn’t it then, when he felt so bad afterward??
I’ve bought books, for US to read but it was only me who fully read anything. We don’t pray together even though I’ve told him multiple times that would mean the world to me. As far as I can tell a flip switched and it’s not an issue for him anymore.. But for me it is. All I hear from him is work stuff. I’m so bored with the work talk anymore.. I’ve heard and actively listened for so long now that I’m sick of hearing about ONLY that. He never ever opens up about his heart to me and that just really sucks. He seems so emotionally vacant I begin to feel alone in that department. Just like husbands need their wives to be sexually excited, wives need their husbands to be emotionally available. It would be so nice if HE would initiate a heart to heart every now and then. Show some evidence of introspection. I don’t know.. Maybe I’m expecting too much. I’m sure it would help a lot in my healing… I just feel so stuck.
I think you’ve hit on something that’s absolutely critical to true recovery: emotional intimacy. Quitting porn is just quitting porn. If that’s all that happens, you’re left with nothing.
Our culture hasn’t done a good job of encouraging men to be emotionally vulnerable. Just the opposite, in fact: “Be a man” “Big boys don’t cry” etc. I think a lot of guys feel emotionally incompetent as a result; porn preys on that, giving them a safe place to bring their emotions, where no demands are made and satisfaction is guaranteed.
I think you might appreciate Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Your husband might even like it, too, as it’s very practical and research-based. There are quizzes included in each section so you can evaluate where you are. In my experience, this research is the way to grow a strong marriage without a lot eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart talks that your husband might find pretty intimidating at this point.
Have a look and let me know what you think.
The other thing I’d suggest is getting emotional support for yourself, meanwhile. You might go to a group like Celebrate Recovery, or to a personal counselor. Just because your husband isn’t ready to emotionally process with you, doesn’t mean you can’t do what you need for yourself. He has to take responsibility for himself, and you’ve got to take responsibility for you. Hopefully, as each of you do that, your relationship will begin to heal and grow as well. I’ve seen in happen!
Blessings, Kay
Dear Hurtwife,
I will pray for you after I hit send. I have a few questions, as I am a husband who has hurt his wife with the use of pornography and so I know where he has been.
1. Does he have any good friends who are pursuing their wives they way you know you should be pursued? Could they speak truth into him?
2. Are you members in a local church? Would your elders consider meeting with him? This is a discipline issue and needs to be tenderly addressed through prayer and caution, but it needs to be addressed by your church.
3. Are there any ultimatums you could give him? Such as if he doesn’t begin to initiate prayer and discussion of spiritual things could you tell him that you think you need counseling? Could you suggest and even demand (as he is commanded to submit to you as well) that the find a spiritual mentor? Have you considered what it would look like to leave for a bit until he realizes the weight of his sin?
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will pray as I hit send.
Dear Hurt Wife,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this also. There was a long period of time in my marriage where we were “stuck”. We never talked about real issues. The number one way we overcame this was during our nightly talks. I insisted to my husband that we needed this. Each night we read the bible, read a devotional, prayed, and talked. I pleaded with my husband to talk openly to me, to admit that he was tempted, to share his struggles. Talking openly to someone was the hardest thing for him. Eventually he talked to me. It has gotten much easier over time. It was also hard for me to receive everything he had to tell me. Our marriage is still restoring. But, God is working in our lives. We never had openness with each other. It is such a wonderful place to be and absolutely necessary for marriage. God showed me how to help my husband open up. I’m praying for you that God will show you also. Don’t give up!
Hi! You are not expecting too much. If he was an alcoholic we would call this stage ” a dry drunk”. There are many miles to go before we reach home. Average timetable for rebuilt trust after this kind of devastaing betrayal is 3-5 years…IF the husband fully enters recovery. This does not mean we as the wife are stuck in that cycle of trauma for 5 years just that it takes that long for a liar to establish that the character changes are for real so we can feel safe again. You have a right to know what is going on inside when you are risking your life to stay. Keep pushing back the dark my friend. xoxo
As a man who is struggling with this, I greatly appreciate this post, and the response from the HurtWife.
I cannot say anything about what you are going through, but i will say that for a guy, there’s generally something more than just the sexual addiction. I recently attended an Every Man’s Battle workshop with 80 other guys who struggle with this, and the workshop was led by 15 licensed christian marriage counselors and sex therapists who have struggled with this at some point, and they really helped us understand the need to identify the underlying issues for why we “medicate” with pornography. I would suggest you consider talking to your husband about this workshop. They address the spiritual, psychological, and biological aspect of sexual addiction, and also help us understand how it affects our wives and how important our wives are to our recovery.
Finally, they provide tools to achieve sustained victory, and generally the men who are faithful to using those tools testify to being better equipped to handle this fight. On the other hand, they also have a workshop called “Women in the Battle” for wives or women who are married to someone who struggles with this, or have been hurt by this in the past. Perhaps, as a wife, you would consider this option.
Overall, the workshop is incredibly helpful and I came in with a lot of fear, doubts, concerns, hope, excitement, and the whole emotional spectrum, but I am leaving with strength, courage, hope, support, and TOOLS for achieving victory. If you are interested, look up Newlife Ministry and ask about Every Man’s Battle workshop. You can also look up the Every man’s battle book and perhaps your husband could read it. These were the best decisions I made regarding take an ACTIVE role in my pursuit of sexual purity
Thank you for all your responses. I am still so deeply hurt, but your words are balm on my wound. I responded incorrectly below to Kay and Somethoughts (did a new comment instead of replying). As for the others.. Your suggestions are great. Robi, I will try that :) Thanks to Caroline.. At least I know this is “normal.” I hate that our normal is now defined by anything to do with infidelity, but oh well. Here we are, and with God we’ll get through.
Ohi U, thanks for the suggestion. I’ve heard mixed reviews of the book, but maybe we should consider the workshop. As I said before, it is so heartening to read of men who have made it to the other side of this deadly struggle. I say deadly because pornography is a tool of Satan to kill, steal and destroy everything beautiful, satisfying and good about a marital bond. We were on the brink of disaster because of it, and thankfully, by God’s grace, we’re getting to the other side. Only thing is… I feel so alone in rebuilding the emotional intimacy. Maybe it was truly never there? Getting through this has proven to be the challenge of my life so far.
I just don’t understand this to be honest right now, there is talk of men’s emotions and being vulnerable what do men cry when they watch porn how does this associate??? When did it become an act of emotion it’s disgusting don’t tell me that men watch it simply because they are stressed out they watch it for the flawless women and men that mesh their bodies together and it’s something they don’t have so they yearn for it because you always want what you don’t have!!! Now life is tainted women cannot go into malls because their husband is looking at this lightly dressed woman or picture at Victoria’s Secret and forget the beach!!! this may sound like a un intelligent question however I need to ask this… I’m so sickened by how men get this so called oh because of their nature card!!! It’s everywhere there needs to be revival a radical outreach of prayer for porn to be eradicated from our society we have a porn shop right down the street everytime I drive pass it I have desires of blowing it up late at night that is only my humanness that is wanting that I know I need to pray for this and conviction that would draw these men and women closer to Christ!!! Porn has changed my marriage so badly my husband and I just go to sleep if at all, where as before we used to play and laugh and cuddle before bed it has totally severed all innocence. there was a women that said once she wishes she can go back to the igorence because that’s bliss and dealing with this as a wife is hell. I was married before my current husband and he commuted adultery but with a woman for a year then told me 7months into her pregnancy that she was having his son!!! I’m over that but girls and or guys I cannot get over this someone please tell me how? How do men get this card of sex is everywhere so I can look and be labeled a porn watcher and we say oh it’s a coping mechanism!!! I can’t take it all of our coping should be and NEEDS to be Christ! Jesus Christ!!! Men and women repent please repent you will be judged and a righteous judge with make righteous judgement instead of watching sexual images watch Christ on the cross and the scourging and really watch it that is sin upon Him! All The markings and scars The most Holy One and only Son of God! Everything is a choice my husband and your husbands choose to watch porn no one is there with a gun making them watch it and even then they ought to reject it and get shot because to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord!!!! And they would be standing up for no more porn no more porn no more porn no more excuses for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be eradication of this evil thing pornogrophy that ruins lives takes away innocent and steals joy and women’s ability to raise their head and feel comfortable in their own home! This has to stop like yesterday come Lord Jesus come” maranatha”
Hey there. It sounds like you’ve experienced a lot of hurt in both of the marriages you mention here, and I am so sorry for that. I agree with you that watching porn is a choice that some men make, and I agree with you that it’s destructive to relationships. I know you’re speaking out of anger and frustration here, but I can’t agree with you that anyone should be shot for watching porn. The answer to the destruction of porn is not more destruction. The answer is healing, and I believe that healing can and does happen.
Let me try to briefly address your original question, regarding the connection between vulnerable emotions and the use of porn for men. I do think that in our culture, men have not traditionally been encouraged to experience vulnerable emotions. There is a great deal of societal pressure to “be a man”–be tough, don’t show emotions, etc. Our culture allows men to feel angry, but not sad or scared. And, our culture encourages men to be sexually active as a proof of manliness. It is no surprise, then, that men often turn to sex/porn in order to avoid difficult emotions.
You might appreciate the book Surfing For God, if you’re interested in exploring this idea further. Blessings, Kay
What – pray tell – did I just read?? Listen, I’m an expert at writing styles, and there’s no way the above is Anonymous’s regular diction or genuine register. Someone(s) need to stop dissembling…
Xavier, can you be clearer what you mean?
If heart to heart communication is desired, I’d like to recommend a Biblical tool called courageous conversation found at this link: http://www.noblecall.org/. It helped my husband find the courage to listen to my heart and open up his. It has helped our marriage more than any other resource or ministry so far. Of course, “Except the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it…” Ps. 127:1a, so it is really up to the Lord if he wants to use it to rebuild the foundation of your marriage. Maybe your husband would be open to attending a conference that would help him communicate in a more meaningful way.
To Luke above (sorry for the intervening eon, but you guys took so long in publishing my comments that I had stomped off in a huff, vowing to never so much as sniff Covenant’s way again, but what with you being such a fun and intelligent guy, Luke, and since Covenant has need of my wisdom anyway, I pulled up to harbor again):
Look, I’m not about to give away all the pointers that betray a false “voice” in people’s writing (students young and old gave themselves away unknowingly time and again), but let me say this: compare “Anonymous’s” breathless post above (and MEANT to come across as a breathless, visceral rant) with his/her earlier post. Notice the differences in style? The single register (and an apt one, too) in that earlier one as contrasted with the hopeless mixture in the longer post above? Tone and choice of words also mirror those of at least one other commenter’s here.
Thus, we have one or more not-totally expert dissemblers in our midst, whose agenda might be a feminist one, the joys of trolling, that of obliquely advancing/reinforcing Covenant Eyes for the business which at heart it is, or some obscure one from Planet Zog. Go figure, my friend.