Oh, To Be Transformed: Abigail’s Story

The most beautiful gifts from God are the most perverted by the enemy, and from how perverted the sex industry has become, as well as evidence from the Bible, sex is also one of the most amazing things God has given us. Instead of just having humans have the ability to recreate, he also gave them a way to feel pleasure while doing so. The issue that stands before us is that sin has caused this pleasure to be manipulated and felt in the wrong context. What makes it so attractive is that it is natural for humans to desire that pleasure, but it tears us apart from the inside out when we fall into the trap of thinking we can have it outside of what God has designed.

This was the very trap I fell into when I was around twelve.

When I came across pornography, I knew in my heart it was wrong, but I was curious, so I delved deeper into that world but did not realize what it was doing to my soul until a couple of years later.

I knew that porn was wrong, but I was also drawn to the escape it seemed to give me, so I got deeper and deeper into it. However, I could see what damage had been done by the time I was fourteen. My relationships were in ruins, and my self-worth was almost nonexistent at that point. I hated who I was because I was living in rebellion, but because I was a missionary kid on the mission field, I felt like I had to put on the perfect face and have the ideal spiritual life.

There was so much fear involved with just the idea of telling someone I was living in sin, but there was always hope. Throughout my eighteen years of life, I have seen that no matter how far from God you run, He is willing to run farther for you. The Father had been calling to my heart and beckoning me home from the first day I strayed. It just took me two years to let that still small voice in. Once I did, it was not an immediate fix like some of the miraculous miracles I heard as a missionary. It was a slow thawing of my heart, and step one was telling a camp counselor who had the same struggle.

When I opened up about my guilt, I expected to be condemned and punished, but what I received was love and advice. I realized I could get help without ruining my life: everyone is broken and needs love. It still took a while for me to come to terms with this new grace I never realized I was given and come up with the courage to tell anyone else.

But by God’s grace, I did.

I ended up telling my parents who accepted me with a loving embrace, advice, and the help I needed. This is where Covenant Eyes enters my redemption story. My parents asked me what I needed to be able to best beat my addiction and I told them accountability, so they looked into options and Covenant Eyes aligned with our values and mission. Now I have been clean of porn for around a year and am proud to say Covenant Eyes was instrumental in that process. Not only that, but Covenant Eyes has helped me have integrity in many areas of what I watch, even if it is not porn.

But, what does that integrity look like in this day and age where personal pleasure is the ultimate goal? I believe it is living by Philippians 4:8 (NIV) which says, “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Now, with whatever I consume regarding technology, I try to measure it up to those standards. When I measure pornography up to that standard, it goes directly against all of them. Integrity is choosing what God sees as good and setting your mind on such things. I am not perfect, so I come short of this every day, but my goal is to have those standards for whatever I consume, and to me, that is integrity.

Covenant Eyes has helped me keep to that standard because temptation is hard to resist. There were many times that I was thankful to have the program on my computer because it did not allow me to succumb to temptation. There is truly nothing weak in asking for help and accountability it shows maturity and a realization of the nature of human beings: broken. I am so much stronger because I opened up about my weakness because it helped kill my isolation and pride.

The devil is an expert at making me feel isolated and hopeless, but it is not true, not for anyone. There are many things I still struggle with, but I can say with confidence that Jesus set me free from my porn addiction because I opened the door to my heart so he could truly transform me. With Covenant Eyes’ help, I restored my relationship and self-esteem, so I cannot thank Covenant Eyes enough for having the mission and the technology that they do and for helping change my life.

I would like to close with an encouragement for anyone struggling with sexual sin: There is still hope. You are not unforgivable, in fact, you are loved more than you could ever imagine. The Father is waiting with open arms calling you to His embrace where He will love you with a love that you never knew existed.

It will be hard and you will fall but never give up because your transformation is worth fighting for.