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Is Your Fiancé Addicted to Porn?

Last Updated: April 15, 2015

A recent article from Boundless Webzine caught my attention the other day: “My Fiancé is Addicted to Porn.” The article responds to a letter from a young lady who is concerned how her future husband’s porn addiction might impact their upcoming marriage. She asks for practical advice on how to prepare for potential problems.

Candice Watters, co-founder of Boundless, offers a hard-hitting but gracious response. She urges the young lady to ask her fiancé to talk to a pastor or their pre-marital counselor very soon about his sinful habit, and if he does not want to do this, to postpone the wedding. She even urges her to end the engagement if he is not willing to take drastic measures to end his sin. Watters believes, based on this girl’s e-mail, that the fiancé thinks his sin is something he merely needs to “control,” not overcome. Though he has given lip-service to repenting, no change has happened yet.

I applaud Watters for seeing the big picture. As she writes, “A man who professes Christ but continues in this sin is not ready to take on the role of husband. If he were to try, his marriage would be a lie.” More is at stake than merely an issue of addiction or sexual purity: it’s about a husband’s ability to spiritually lead his marriage in godliness.

I wish more engaged couples would air their dirty laundry for each other before they stood at the altar, especially on sexual issues. Single men and women need to know how pornography consumption can impact a marriage.

What do you think? What level of “freedom” should a woman expect from her future husband in this area?

  1. FireLed

    Thanks for the input on this subject. I have been reviewing this site for some time and began utilizing CE for the first time this summer. Using CE began directly after sharing my struggle with my girlfriend. It was very tough, but making radical changes in my life, seeking to learn about my triggers, and having difficult, ongoing, conversations with brothers has been helpful.

    My struggle with porn began at age 9 and it was common around most men I knew. Recently, using CE and taking a step of transparency has been helpful. There were moments when I was against tools like CE, because it just seemed like I was placing my trust and purity in my own effort rather than trusting in God. Thankfully, I have noticed that CE is a great tool to live my struggles as an open book, resulting in greater perspective (avoiding the delusion that porn will be beneficial) and awareness of my sin before it externally manifests itself.

    As a single who is dating, I sometimes feel marginalized by American Christianity’s strong focus on families and marriage as if it is the ‘ideal’ and those who are married are on a different level. However, as one who is in a relationship with marriage as the goal, resources such as these can be extra helpful.

    I have felt free as I ever have from porn. One concern I have, is the idea of ‘total freedom’. It seems as if some endorse ‘total freedom’, and I wonder what this really means when we say it. This concerns me because I am passionate about my own purity and I do not believe I will ever be comfortable enough to say that I am ‘free’ from it because I haven’t done it in a few months or years. I do believe that Christ grants us freedom by his grace, but I also know that the gospel is a daily lifestyle: our freedom comes as we embrace it every day. I feel as if I will never place a check mark by sexual purity, with the idea that it is dead and gone. Rather, through God’s grace I will have to stand guard against sexual purity for the rest of my life.

    Is the idea of ‘total freedom’ this something that we should clarify in our journeys?

    • Luke Gilkerson

      I believe the phrase “total freedom” can be easily misunderstood. I believe it was J (one of the commenters) who said something about expecting “total victory and freedom from this sin.” But even he says this means “fleeing from sin.” If what we mean by “total victory” is never struggling or never feeling tempted, then fleeing would be unnecessary.

      I prefer to speak, instead, of freedom from the power of sin while we still live in the presence of sin. Romans 6-8 offers a great picture of freedom from sin-slavery while at the same time acknowledging the reality of sin still present in the members of our body. I preached a message about this a while back.

  2. staffaction

    Luke,
    Your answer is very helpful and the best I’ve seen on the subject before. Thank you so much!

    Feel free to put more up on the CE blog about how porn can mess with a marriage and how to deal with it (even years after the involvement in the sin is done).

    • Luke Gilkerson

      Glad my answers were helpful!

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