Defeat Lust & Pornography young woman looking at computer alone
Defeat Lust & Pornography 4 minute read

I was a married woman tempted by porn…

Last Updated: October 1, 2020

I was the quiet girl growing up who desperately tried to blend into the crowd. My dad was a teacher in the same school district I attended, and the first day of school each year was pretty much the same. My name would be called, and the teacher would tell me that he or she knew my dad. When I was young, it seemed as if everyone knew him.

This, along with my reserved personality, caused me to constantly be on my best behavior when I was in public. All of this unwanted attention further solidified the importance of not doing anything to disappoint anyone or stand out in the crowd. I never knew that the state of my heart was just as important as who I appeared to be on the outside.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

I became very good at looking like I had it all together. When you don’t stand out, most people tend to assume that you’re as “sweet” on the inside as you appear to be on the outside. My heart was a mess though, and I ignored that for many years until God started to expose what was in my heart.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean” (Matthew 23:27).

How Porn Entered My Life

I got married in my early twenties, and I found myself struggling in ways that I never thought I would. My (former) husband would rent porn movies, and I ended up just watching them with him. That became a very normal thing for us to do. I would also find porn magazines that he hid and, out of curiosity, I would look at them.

I didn’t notice what was slowly happening to me. I was reprogramming my mind to look at women differently. I started to see women in a sexual way. I was opening myself up to things that would affect me for many years to come; I just didn’t realize it until later. He and I eventually got divorced, and I gave my life to Christ a few months later.

When I gave my life to Christ, my whole outlook on life started to change. I knew that if I was going to get married again, he would have to be a man who loved God with all of his heart. I soon met Kevin, and we married a few years later. My life had changed so much, but there were still so many things from my past that haunted me.

Here I was, married to a wonderful, attractive, Godly man, when I one day found myself looking at pornographic websites. I had to fight these continual thoughts and images that would come pounding into my head. No one would have ever guessed that I was doing this, not even my husband—not even myself. I didn’t know how to confess this to anyone, and I felt trapped. I felt so much shame.

The Moment I Began to Change

God really started dealing with my heart and showing me that who I was behind closed doors was just as important as who I was around others. He started pointing out my lack of integrity. God put such a weight on my heart to confess this to my husband one day, so I did.

Kevin extended me so much mercy that day, even in the midst of his pain. While I was looking at that porn, I was committing adultery. Anyone who is involved with pornography has to realize this: If you’re married and looking at porn, you’re committing adultery. That’s how God sees it all. Also, to think that I was trying to live a Christian life while doing this seems hard to believe at this point in my life. God is a merciful God, though, and He forgave me when I truly repented.

Don’t get me wrong, it took quite some time for me to stop struggling in this area so intensely. It has also taken some time for my relationship with Kevin to heal. If you plant bad seeds, you’re going to get bad fruit. When we repent, God will forgive us. There are consequences to all of our actions, though; whether we are forgiven, or not.

Healing Took Time and Focus

I thank God for my pastors who lovingly counseled me through this. After talking to them about it (which was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done), we decided to subscribe to Covenant Eyes. I would recommend Covenant Eyes to anyone struggling with online pornography. I have also been so thankful for the Covenant Eyes blog, because it was such a valuable resource for me when I thought I was the only one dealing with this.

Being held accountable for what I look at has really revealed the state of my heart to me, and it has helped me to recognize that I continually need to give God this whole area of my life. He has shown me that I also need to know who I am in Christ in order to change (with the help of the Holy Spirit). It was only when I started getting the revelation of who I am in Christ (and who I am NOT) that I started to see the change on the inside of me that I so desperately needed.

It’s so important to realize that being tempted is not a sin. Let me say that again. Being tempted is not a sin! I used to feel so guilty when I was tempted, and that alone would cause me to fall. Jesus was tempted, yet He never sinned. I have learned not to feel guilty about temptations that come my way. That’s just a deadly trap. What I do with the temptation when it happens is what matters. I have learned to immediately take my temptations to God, and He will always show me a way out.

If this is something that you deal with, please reach out to someone. It’s so important to find an ally as you overcome porn, give the situation entirely over to God, and ask Him to give you a revelation of who you are in Christ. It will change your life! I know this, because it changed mine.

  1. Brenda K

    Thank you Amy, I too i am dealing with porn addiction. i keep relapsing. i thank God for Covenant eyes because i thought that i was alone. Like the only flithy woman doing this. this is giving me a great push in my struggle i will keep re-reading your story. Thank you Amy and thank you Covenant Eyes for this chance.

  2. Fred David

    I never understood why women would get into porn and how do they perceive that it would make them feel better. Please explain. Thank you.

  3. Fred David

    In these stories of women hooked on porn, they never explain why they did it and what keeps them watching the events. I like to know more of what triggers them to watch porn and what does it do for them that they think they are escaping reality and feeling better. Thank you.

  4. Kelsey De Jong

    Hello. I’m also a married woman who has confessed watching porn to my husband. I started before marriage and even though I am sexually satisfied I still watch it sometimes. Confessing it didn’t seem to stop me from doing it again. I’ve thought of doing a filter but I feel that if I pay for that I am saying God can’t help me stop looking at that sort of thing without the use of hard earned cash. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop completely, but I do try to read devotionals and such when I get the urge more often now ..and prayer/spiritual thoughts. So maybe a bit of improvement…it only took 3 years to get that far 😬

  5. Godwin Kaaya

    Porn is a disaster a lot of people are in there although they feel shame to say it. Almost every has gone through it. Porn has devastated many relationships. It is something I wish we could eradicate from the face of the world. Probably, through prayer we can

  6. LLSP

    Thank you so much for telling your story and I pray that you continue to. God has been doing a work in my heart and cleansing my soul. This email popped up out of nowhere and I too had been dealing with this and quite honestly didn’t seem to pinpoint that this was an issue. I’m taking this as a sign that God is revealing things in my life that I need accountability in. Thank you for sharing!

  7. Enie

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have been addicted to reading erotica for as long as I can remember. I am 41 now so I am going to say about 30 years. I was sexually abused by two different men starting at age 5 so my introduction to sex was very confusing. I liked the attention from them and it sometimes felt good but I was also ashamed. I grew up in the church but never really wanted anything to do with God. One of the men who abused me did it at church. I am a saved believer in God but that didn’t happen till my college years…after i left my parents church. However I still struggle with erotica and now watching porn on the internet. It is hard to find support when you are a woman who is addicted. Most help is only geared toward men. Please pray for me to have the desire to give up my sexual addiction.

    • To Liz and all who have shared, thank you. You all have just made me realize, once again, just how loving and faithful our one and only God is. My addiction to porn has been a part of my life for a very long time. I say this mainly because I am a 72 year old man and have been married for 51 years. I too believed as long as no one was “hurt” by my addiction, everything was all right. I professed to be a Christian for most of my life until I was caught in a most horrific trap on the internet. You see porn had been a part of my life since I was quite young and continued until about two and a half years ago. I was providentially starting in a new church in the city we live in and our new pastor was kind enough to take on this challenge with my wife and I. He counseled us for just over a year before I was able to see just how critical my situation was. After the counseling and some real hard times I was finally able to see, only with God’s help, that I truly need Him. With some recent issues my wonderful, loving wife reminded me that Satan is a “roaring lion” constantly trying to devour us and he will not let go. Please, please, all of you who are tangled up in this sin, keep seeking help until you find it. It is never too late! God is so good.

    • Amber

      Enie, you are not alone in your circumstances and struggles as a result. I hear similar stories almost every day. A book and workbook that has greatly helped me and others is Create in Me a Pure Heart by Steve & Kathy Gallagher. You can find it on Amazon. God bless you sister.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related in Defeat Lust & Pornography

Editor's Picks

Close-up portrait of male student with head on knees sitting by wall in college

Defeat Lust & Pornography

My Sin Owned Me

I have long struggled with lust, first giving in to pornography as…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A young boy praying in a Catholic church.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

I Was an Altar Boy Addicted to Porn

Since I was young, I’ve battled with a deeply personal struggle: pornography…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A young man embracing his wife.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

I Overcame My Fear of Abandonment

My struggles have been with pornography, masturbation, fanaticizing, objectifying, and lying. It…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Young man taking a break while hiking.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

My Imperfect Journey

My journey to overcome and avoid the temptation of pornography has been…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Close-up on the hands of a group of people learning to trust one another.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

How to Trust People

After helping people overcome pornography for more than two decades, one thing…

7 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A young man training for an endurance race.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

Running the Race With Endurance

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart…

4 minute read

Read Post

Related in Defeat Lust & Pornography

Close-up portrait of male student with head on knees sitting by wall in college

Defeat Lust & Pornography

My Sin Owned Me

I have long struggled with lust, first giving in to pornography as…

I have long struggled with lust, first giving in to pornography as a 6th grader. As I approach my junior year of college, I see the destruction that my addiction has caused and the further…

4 minute read

0 comments

A young boy praying in a Catholic church.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

I Was an Altar Boy Addicted to Porn

Since I was young, I’ve battled with a deeply personal struggle: pornography…

Since I was young, I’ve battled with a deeply personal struggle: pornography and masturbation. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when this addiction took hold of me, but that first encounter remains etched in my memory.…

4 minute read

0 comments

A young man embracing his wife.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

I Overcame My Fear of Abandonment

My struggles have been with pornography, masturbation, fanaticizing, objectifying, and lying. It…

My struggles have been with pornography, masturbation, fanaticizing, objectifying, and lying. It started after dealing with intense feelings of loneliness following my graduation from college and first job in ministry. I was spending a lot…

3 minute read

0 comments

Young man taking a break while hiking.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

My Imperfect Journey

My journey to overcome and avoid the temptation of pornography has been…

My journey to overcome and avoid the temptation of pornography has been a long and difficult one. It started at the age of 8. Some of my friends came over to my house one day…

3 minute read

0 comments

Close-up on the hands of a group of people learning to trust one another.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

How to Trust People

After helping people overcome pornography for more than two decades, one thing…

After helping people overcome pornography for more than two decades, one thing has become clear: Defeating porn requires trustworthy relationships. Pornography develops a powerful grip on people that can’t be overcome in isolation. We need…

7 minute read

0 comments

A young man training for an endurance race.

Defeat Lust & Pornography

Running the Race With Endurance

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart…

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and redeemer” (Psalm 19:14). This passage has been the one I’ve been able to…

4 minute read

0 comments